Does your significant other...

[rubysoho]

Share your passion in cycling or other outdoorsy activities? Would you say you both have the same energy level or are you on different ends of the spectrum?

Taking a ride with a guy friend this past weekend reminded me how much I love sharing my passions and having someone to play and have fun with. Something my boyfriend of four years and I don't do and I guess I have grown accustomed to it. He is more the type that after a week or work he wants to stay in and do nothing. I like to do that, sometimes, but a lot of times I want to be out hiking, cycling, fishing, etc...

I need to get out and find some women to ride with. But, sometimes I wish my SO enjoyed being outdoors as much as I do.

Anyway, what about everyone here?

[Becky]

Yup, it's how we met. 10 years later, we're still well-matched in terms of cycling pace. I tend to have a higher "do stuff" energy level, while he's more content to sit around and read or watch movies.

[limewave]

Yes, hiking and biking and being outdoors and active is something we have in common. However, we almost never ride or run together because 1) he is faster and likes to be faster and 2) someone has to watch the kids.

I enjoy a little solitude so I don't mind that he rides ahead, it's nice just being "out there" together and sharing the common interest.

However, something we don't have in common, I like going out with other people, little parties/gatherings, and playing card or board games. DH would rather sit in his chair and read a book.

We went camping this weekend and a group of DH's friends were also camping there. He didn't even go over and say hello or sit at their campfire! I did! And I barely know them, but I just like that atmosphere. DH is weird. I'm working on him and he is branching out a little bit.

I miss those things and wish that he would socialize with other couples/families more.

[indysteel]

My DH and I met through cycling, and he's about as active/outdoorsey as I am. Sometimes we go through phases where he's more energetic than I am and vice versa, but I'd say we're pretty balanced as a general rule. I tend to purposely "exercise" more than he does, but his job is more active than mine so it balances out. I'll be honest that this was a deal maker for me. I'm not particularly attracted to men who aren't active or who lack a love of the outdoors.

[rubysoho]

I'll be honest that this was a deal maker for me. I'm not particularly attracted to men who aren't active or who lack a love of the outdoors.

I was perusing a thread about pictures of people on this board and noticed quite a few who were pictured with their significant other. It made me sad because my boyfriend and I don't do much of anything together ... I know I have a great guy, he cooks, cleans, treats me with respect and loves me dearly. Is responsible, driven at work, definitely wants to take care of me. I am just way more lighthearted and playful (and active!) than he is and right now it is a bit draining for me. We've been together 4 years for a reason. I just need to remember that.

[roadie gal]

We have a lot of the same interests: biking, hiking, cross country skiing, but I'm definitely more into exercising than she is. When we have time off together we do stuff together, but I'm free to do my own thing when I'm off and she's not.

[tulip]

I was with my former SO for nearly 20 years before I came to the conclusion that we did nothing together and his realm and my realm rarely intercepted. Just my story. YMMV.

I met my current SO through cycling. We take cycling vacations together and look forward to going on bike rides together. We also spend alot of time gardening together and doing other things that we each AND both love to do.

[Biciclista]

Ruby, I've been married for 33 years. When we got married, we were young and exercise was something we didn't even think about. As we got older, we both realized that something was going to have to change. He gained weight, I was weak and puny. So we both got involved in cycling AT DIFFERENT TIMES. He started, i tried to catch up, but found I just wasn't "in to it" then two of his cycling buddies left town and he became despondent and quit riding. gained more weight. His cholesterol was rising, and so was mine. I knew I HAD to do something, so I asked him to train me for the STP (Seattle to Portland Ride) he did that and hasn't gotten off the bike since. He rides circles around me, but we both ride, and sometimes we ride together!
I don't know what your boyfriend does to stay healthy, but you owe it to him to get him doing SOMETHING or the space between you is going to grow and grow and eventually you're going to be pushing him around in a wheelchair.
(that's a bit dramatic, but you get the idea)
It doesn't have to be cycling, but you really do need some common ground (and sitting around in the house is NOT what I am talking about)
good luck

[rubysoho]

It doesn't have to be cycling, but you really do need some common ground (and sitting around in the house is NOT what I am talking about)
good luck

Ugh, I know. When we first met he was a bit of a gym rat (liked body building, but wasn't extreme). And we met because he wanted to learn how to horseback ride and I was an instructor at the barn he chose to ride at! Since then he has stopping horseback riding, stopped working out so much (shoulder injury) which has caused him to gain 70 lbs. I have no problem with loving who he is though, including his mini-buddah belly. Obviously I want him to take care of himself and be healthy so I try to get him to go on longer dog walks, etc...

But, it pretty much feels like our only common ground is sitting around the house together. I tried to get involved in cooking but he made it clear his time in the kitchen is really his preferred alone time. :( And even though he realized that upset me and has tried to include me since then, I just don't want to be a part of the cooking process anymore.

[limewave]

Is it possible something else is going on with him like depression or anxiety? I'm just asking because if he used to be a "gym-rat" and was active and now all he does is sit around the house and has gained a lot of weight . . . well, there could be something physical/mental/medical. Just throwing it out there.

[indysteel]

Is it possible something else is going on with him like depression or anxiety? I'm just asking because if he used to be a "gym-rat" and was active and now all he does is sit around the house and has gained a lot of weight . . . well, there could be something physical/mental/medical. Just throwing it out there.

I think that's an important point to consider. In any event, it sounds like it's time for the two of you to talk openly about this and what it means to your fulfillment individually and as a couple. Lots of things ebb and flow in a long relationship, including activity levels and interests. What ideally should remain constant is your ability to talk about what you want your lives to look like, to respond to each other's wants and needs and to work toward positve change (or to recognize that a change is necessary).

How BF responds to your concerns will be what's telling about your future together....and you need to be prepared to honestly evaluate his response. If he dimisses your concerns or refuses to admit that something isn't working in his life/your life together, then you need to take that as a red flag.

[Pax]

My SO and I got together 21 years ago and were both hugely active... just not in the same things. :D

She was a big cyclist and I was into scuba/surfing/water skiing; this was a problem as she is not a water person AT ALL and at the time I thought bike riding was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

Over time we found common ground and managed to stay active together, now that we're older we are doing more biking and less adventure stuff.

[Brandi]

My hubby and I do tons of outdoor stuff together. But sometimes he get's in these moods where he just sits and works. I can't do that. I have to get up and move. But every tuesday afternoon we play volleyball with a group. Every weekend we go for a big hike with a friend or friends. Last weekends was a 10 mile hike! Ugh!
He likes to Kayak fish of our coast. I won't do that with him. Great whites lurk off our coast and I have seen Jaws to many times. And we bike together sometimes. I actually like to bike by myself. And I think he does too. But he is a mountain biker I am a little of both.

[jamijo]

My husband is a big lump... he's in danger of losing his position in the Air Force Reserve due to not being able to pass the fitness test (waist circumference too big as well as deficiencies in running, situps, and push-ups). I have to drag him off the couch to go out to take care of errands or go to a movie, let alone trying to get him to exercise... He says he's not opposed to the idea of biking, but he's not interested in getting a bike so he can ride along with me. I've largely given up and settled with getting him out walking while I'm out riding at the park. Hopefully walking will lead to jogging will lead to him being in better shape...

I asked him last week if he would ever be interested in going camping with me (his brother goes camping a few times every summer with buddies)... he looked at me like I'd grown horns. :) He grew up with a rather privileged family where a 'roughing it' trip was the Comfort Inn instead of a 4-or 5-star hotel with spa and golf course available. Needless to say, we're not in the same income bracket as his parents. I'm trying to get him interested in more active/outdoorsy stuff, but I feel I have an uphill battle in front of me. :)

[PamNY]

This is definitely an issue in my life, and it's not just the SO -- it's the friends he prefers as well.

I've simply started to develop my own social life with people who are more outdoorsy/active. Luckily I like hiking, camping and biking by myself.

[Owlie]

DBF was the one that got me into riding. The last couple months (well, when we were still in the same city), though, have been difficult in terms of getting him to do anything active, beyond walking to class and the grocery store. He's still a student and spends the summers with his parents, and once he's home he goes on bike rides once or twice a week with his parents, just his dad or his old scout troop. Or he hops in the pool.

He does have a tendency to turn into a video game-playing lump when stressed, and there's no shortage of stress (he's an engineering student), and I'm only usually around him during the school year. I just occasionally feel like he doesn't particularly want to do anything active with me, apart from the occasional (like once a year) short ride together.:(

As far as energy levels go, he'll probably always have me beat on riding--once you get him out the door, he's fine for 50 miles or so (if wiped out when he gets back). I try to stick to 20-30 miles, which lets me do stuff once I get home. If I want to go for a walk, though, he's done after a mile. I'm quite happy with two or three.

[ACG]

My husband is a big lump... he's in danger of losing his position in the Air Force Reserve due to not being able to pass the fitness test (waist circumference too big as well as deficiencies in running, situps, and push-ups). I have to drag him off the couch to go out to take care of errands or go to a movie, let alone trying to get him to exercise... He says he's not opposed to the idea of biking, but he's not interested in getting a bike so he can ride along with me. I've largely given up and settled with getting him out walking while I'm out riding at the park. Hopefully walking will lead to jogging will lead to him being in better shape...

I asked him last week if he would ever be interested in going camping with me (his brother goes camping a few times every summer with buddies)... he looked at me like I'd grown horns. :) He grew up with a rather privileged family where a 'roughing it' trip was the Comfort Inn instead of a 4-or 5-star hotel with spa and golf course available. Needless to say, we're not in the same income bracket as his parents. I'm trying to get him interested in more active/outdoorsy stuff, but I feel I have an uphill battle in front of me. :)

This is exactly my ex husband. He did try stuff, but unless he could actually 'master the skill' he wouldn't try it again or he'd try what I tried and be put off by the work involved again to master a skill.

My SO, surfs, Kayaks, golfs, hikes, fishes, etc. Loves the outdoors. We hike together and I will go on the Kayak and (I won't surf but will go to the beach with him), yes I'm afraid. He loves that I bike, he knows it's my time. It all works for us.

[Bethany1]

My hubby and I do a lot of things together. He's man enough to walk into a quilt/fabric store with me and I know exactly what Blu-ray movies he's looking for in Best Buy.

We really aren't the sporty type. I sit in front of a sewing/embroidery machine and he watches TV in the same room. My son got me into riding a bike and started about a month ago and at 35 I've realized that I can't go as fast or as long as my son can.

DH bought a Townie over the weekend so we could go riding on weekends. Then I won't get left 2 miles behind my son. I'm sure we'll look hilarious with him riding a white Townie and myself on a Specialized Hardrock. I'm just excited that he wants to go out on a ride with me. I worry about his physical health and hoping this helps some.

[Biciclista]

you know, Bethany, most people don't care what kind of bikes you are riding, just ride and have fun!
A lot of you guys sound like you are in trouble with the SO.

We know a lot of bike people who have said goodbye to spouses and girlfriends who couldn't / wouldn't adapt to the exercise regime..

[soprano]

I think that it's good to have independent interests, hobbies, etc. To be really open and honest, when I hear someone say something like "I wouldn't date a girl who didn't ride with me" or "I couldn't date a Republican" I worry about that person. People change as they grow. What happens when your partner moves on to a new sport, hobby, religion, political party, etc? I'm not saying that a couple shouldn't have strong common interests. However, it's good to have a relationship with a broader foundation than that.

My husband and I are both what I would call generally active people. We like doing things like taking long walks or doing yardwork together. When we bought our house, we made sure to buy into a walkable neighborhood. We enjoy hiking and camping together, but long hours at work for both of us means that we don't get to hike or camp nearly enough. We've been married for 6 years now. About 18 months ago, he was seriously injured in a fall. He's made an amazing recovery. He was initially told that he would never be able to hike again, but we've been out 5 or 6 times now! I think that it is unrealistic to expect that he will ever go touring with me. I'm also getting into backpacking, probably another no-go for him. However, our relationship has never revolved around specific activities, and while we both hate it that he can't do this stuff with me, we deal with it and enjoy other things.

I'm leaving soon on a 6 week, solo tour, and I cannot believe how many people have come down on me for going alone, and on him for not going with me. He would love to go. Camping on a long-distance trip would be right up his alley. But he can't, because of his injury. And when I think about it, I become furious at the people who guilt him about not coming along - people who should know better (I'm looking at you, Mom).



I've simply started to develop my own social life with people who are more outdoorsy/active. Luckily I like hiking, camping and biking by myself.

Good for you! I've recently started going on some casual group rides just to make friends who share my interest in cycling. You can never have too many friends :)

[Blueberry]

My DH and I both ride - but we have very different speeds (and perhaps training ideas). We ride together some - and we ride alone. Rides with me are very often recovery rides for him (or we will shop and he will carry all the stuff home). He'll walk with me. For us, it's about finding quality time that we can spend together (even if it's cooking dinner). We both have a flaw of too much online time - working on that, but hard when you both depend on computers for a living.

He tries to be supportive of my solo interests - and I try to be of his.

[rubysoho]

I think that it's good to have independent interests, hobbies, etc. To be really open and honest, when I hear someone say something like "I wouldn't date a girl who didn't ride with me" or "I couldn't date a Republican" I worry about that person.

I definitely agree with this. It is good to have differences. And I definitely support my BF's interests that don't include me. It is great for him to go out with the guys or for him to cook, etc...

[azfiddle]

My DH told me about his days as a ski-instructor before we met, but was not too athletic for a long time. I was slightly more active as a field biologist and birder- but not really athletic at all.

Sometime after he recovered from cancer, he began to to talk about bike commuting to work. Much to my surprise, he stuck with it. Then he began to have a goal- to complete a 50 mile run by his 50th birthday. He again surprised me by following a rigorous training program, running a half-marathon in 6 weeks and a full marathon 5 months after starting. Oh yeah, and he's done a 50+ mile run for his birthday for the last 6 years, plus more marathons and 50 milers as well.

I didn't catch on for a long time- but 2 years ago decided I had to do something to lose weight, and got back on a bike.

He is much stronger than I am but is willing to slow down for me if we ride together (I just can't run!) It has rekindled our relationship in many ways to share this time together- I hope we don't decrepitate too soon and lose our ability to enjoy this as we cruise through on through our 50's and beyond.

[Owlie]

DBF is quite supportive of my other hobbies (knitting and cooking). It helps that he is quite often the beneficiary. :D

I'm okay with him going to play D&D with "the guys" (it meant I got the place to myself for a while!) I don't mind him playing video games (because I do too!), but he tends to get sucked in...

[indysteel]

I definitely agree with this. It is good to have differences. And I definitely support my BF's interests that don't include me. It is great for him to go out with the guys or for him to cook, etc...

Reread your original question though. It seems your problem isn't how supportive/unsupportive your BF is of your individual interests, but what few interests you share together. I would agree that lots of things change during a long relationship, but the biggest predictor of the future is the present. If it bothers you that your BF isn't active, seems isolated and down, and is generally not particularly energetic, I think you need to face those facts. It just sounds like you're trying to explain away some valid feelings that you're having. And it doesn't matter how others deal with/accept/adapt to this issue. What matters is how YOU feel about it.
I'm not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill, but to me, this would be a significant issue worth sorting out in some fashion, because if you think it's draining now, just wait
until you have a house or kids or ailing parents or illness to deal with.

And I do apologize if I'm reading too much into your question/comments.

[Marquise]

My husband was a cyclist long before I became one and he's been a great help in everything I accomplished so far. I might have taken up cycling on my own but I'm sure his being a cyclist increased the odds of my doing so. We usually ride together at least once a week but otherwise ride separately, which suits both of us. He feels more free to spend more time cycling and indulge in cycling-related purchases now that I'm into it, too. Aside from cycling, we share many of the same interests and spend most of our free time together, but we also do our own things now and then.

[Roadtrip]

Sadly, both DH and I have a slug type mentalities and are equally happy snuggling together with a good movie, unless proper motivation is given. It's hard work to break out of that rut and keep one another going. Neither of us were picked first for the team and were the "brains" of our class. We've really enjoyed supporting one another on and off the bike.

Shannon

[Miranda]

I was perusing a thread about pictures of people on this board and noticed quite a few who were pictured with their significant other. It made me sad because my boyfriend and I don't do much of anything together ... I know I have a great guy, he cooks, cleans, treats me with respect and loves me dearly. Is responsible, driven at work, definitely wants to take care of me. I am just way more lighthearted and playful (and active!) than he is and right now it is a bit draining for me. We've been together 4 years for a reason. I just need to remember that.

That's a bad feeling.

Sorry your heart is heavy this way.

Yep, I get it.

Have you told him you feel this way?

[shootingstar]

. However, our relationship has never revolved around specific activities, and while we both hate it that he can't do this stuff with me, we deal with it and enjoy other things.

I'm leaving soon on a 6 week, solo tour, and I cannot believe how many people have come down on me for going alone, and on him for not going with me. He would love to go. Camping on a long-distance trip would be right up his alley. But he can't, because of his injury. And when I think about it, I become furious at the people who guilt him about not coming along - people who should know better (I'm looking at you, Mom).

I'm sure soprano he'll be thrilled to hear your daily stories when you rest up at the end of each ride of the day.

I am certain alot of people (women) who don't have partners who cycle solo for long trips, wonder seriously about the relationship. But the reality is that he had more time than I did since I was/am working. So he did several solo loaded bike touring trips on his own, including across Canada and huge part of the U.S. Because I cycle also, we have each other to share stories and rides at the end of each day when this happens.

It is actually enormous relief for a solo rider on a solo trip, to be able to share with a partner even at a distance the trials and triumphs of the day as a cyclist.

**Ruby,we have a real challenge right now, he and I live in different cities..because of a job offer I took last yr. after long bout of unemployment.so yes, we are together we still cycle..but each solo. Yes, he got me into cycling when we first met over 18 yrs. ago. We live a cycling lifestyle but also share some common stuff together. It is reflected in the blogs below. Cycling is intertwined into our lives..I still manage and write for his organization's blogs (in addition to my own.) He has tremendous knowledge of bike route networks across 3 Canadian cities...he is the one from whom I've learned the bike routes from. I cycle along, happy to learn more.

But over time, Ruby hope you and he will find some stuff together....takes time. Give yourself and himself some time, talk it out slowly over time. Try some new things together without creating big expectations. He sounds like a keeper but something else (not you) might be bugging him/reaching a certain stage in life..

[Kiwi Stoker]

6 Years ago I realised we needed to lose weight and get fit. I was nudging 90kg and DH was well and truly "blown" out. His Dad had 2 heart attacks so it was kind of a real problem.

I asked him what kind of exercise would he like to do- dancing, gym, swimming and we both settled on cycling- he cycled before he got a car as a teenager and I rode to school for many years. I wanted something we could both do so we would motivate each other. It's taken off since then.

He is a stronger and faster rider, and I am happy to let him go off with his bunch and me, mine and meet for coffee at the end. We also ride our tandem quite a bit and it makes events so much fun. We suffer/enjoy ourselves together and egg each other on.

I also have meet couples who one rides and other doesn't. You do have to manage expectations, some people will get peeved off with the amount of time cycling eats up, especially if you are training for an event. Either the other person is participating too or that they have something they like to do while the other is cycling- otherwise resentment sets in.

[Crankin]

I am with my DH almost all of the time... we do almost everything together, including cycling. Yea, I know some think this is weird or even bad, but we don't have any issues. Even though he is faster than me, he does his fast rides on his commutes;it's been many years since he went out and rode with groups, besides the ones we lead.
That said, I do a lot more of a variety of physical things.... while DH and I also x country ski and snow shoe together, with a little hiking, he does not run or do any lifting, core work. For years, I went to the gym and he played tennis. But other than that, he was a slug.
I am one of those people who "could never be with a______." Fill in the blank. I need to be around people who have similar interests and values, not just DH.

[Becky]

You do have to manage expectations, some people will get peeved off with the amount of time cycling eats up, especially if you are training for an event. Either the other person is participating too or that they have something they like to do while the other is cycling- otherwise resentment sets in.

This is true, regardless of the activity and regardless of whether it's shared or solo. DH and I have gone through stages where one person's hobby takes up more time than the other thinks it should. Sometimes it's him, sometimes it's me, but the net effect is that feelings are hurt.

Right now, I think we're doing alright with balancing everything. Communicating about plans and expectations has been key. I can't be mad at him for not meeting my expectations if I never told him what they were.

[Susan]

Some years ago, I tried to convince DH that we would need to do some kind of sport. I couldn't get him off the couch, so some day, I started to go running on my own. (The truth is, I would have wanted someone who pushes me because it was hard to push myself. But finally I realized that I had to do this for me and could not expect someone else to do it.)

After a few month, he joined in. I think in the end it wasn't very funny to sit on the couch alone, and it isn't that easy to watch someone else being active and convince yourself that being lazy is all that great. In the end it was him who convinced me to buy a bike after a little while.

I'm really happy that he did. Being active has become a big part of our life and we spend a lot of our time cycling or running. I don't know how this would work out if he still wouldn't want to join me, because there wouldn't be much time left for doing something together and there would be a lot of happy moments that I couldn't share with him.

[Cataboo]

I tend to spend almost all my free time biking or kayaking or skiing or hiking or... Dating or being involved with someone who doesn't do those activities wouldn't make a lot of sense, basically because I'd never see them. If it's a rainy evening, I do tend to call friends who don't bike or kayak to see if they want to get together for dinner..

I'm perfectly fine doing all those activities on my own, but it's nice having someone to do it with

[Biciclista]

Reread your original question though. It seems your problem isn't how supportive/unsupportive your BF is of your individual interests, but what few interests you share together. I would agree that lots of things change during a long relationship, but the biggest predictor of the future is the present. If it bothers you that your BF isn't active, seems isolated and down, and is generally not particularly energetic, I think you need to face those facts. It just sounds like you're trying to explain away some valid feelings that you're having. And it doesn't matter how others deal with/accept/adapt to this issue. What matters is how YOU feel about it.
I'm not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill, but to me, this would be a significant issue worth sorting out in some fashion, because if you think it's draining now, just wait
until you have a house or kids or ailing parents or illness to deal with.
.

exactly what INdysteel said, and further, he discourages you from joining him in the kitchen?
If I were you, I would feel very lonely in a relationship like this one.

[emily_in_nc]

My DH is an even more avid cyclist than me; in fact, he got me my first bike early in our marriage. This year, he had ridden 18 days straight until yesterday (b/c we're traveling). He's faster/stronger than me and has done ~4K miles this year already. I've "only" done around 870 miles this year and am quite a bit slower. But we do market rides together (he carries more panniers and groceries), and easy/recovery rides for him. Or I'll join him when he's part way through with his ride and do half the miles he's doing. So, we do a nice mix of solo and "together" rides.

We also take a lot of walks together, and in the past have done kayaking, hiking, and so forth together. We also enjoy cooking both together and separately (he cooks more than me since he's retired). I think we have a good mix of solo and together activities.