Being social

[roadie gal]

Sort of a whine, sort of a "how do you feel?"...

I keep reading about how people with bigger social networks tend to live longer. That's fine for some people, but I find it draining to try to keep up with a lot of people or to get together with groups, especially since my job involves being with people constantly. I'm much more content and fulfilled being on my own, or with my SO, or one or two select people. There are only a very few people outside of my family that I've kept track of over the years. And I'm fine with that. I really don't care what people from high school or even college are doing now if I haven't kept up with them all along.

I get irritated at those articles that generalize for everyone (especially since I'm not one of the "everyone"). What do you guys feel about this?

[Biciclista]

I think you've described it well. Since you have the big social network at work you don't need it at home. For me it's the opposite. I have nice work associates, but they are almost all men and we have nothing other than common humanity in common with each other. I need friends outside of work.

[lph]

hmmm... sometimes I think of myself as very social, sometimes as downright antisocial. I certainly have a very clear need for time on my own, and enjoy whole days without talking to anyone. In the larger structure of my life I need people to talk to and be with, but while I'm fairly outgoing I only count very few people as close friends and I'm definitely not a typical team player. I think maybe those articles or studies show that people with large social networks always have someone to fulfill certain needs and give support, but that doesn't mean you can't have the same support from a smaller group of people, you're just a bit more vulnerable if something happens to change the situation.

What makes you feel happy, appreciated and comfortable is the best thing for you, wouldn't you say?

[Veronica]

I prefer small groups to socialize with. I never attend work parties. I have little in common with most of my coworkers.

I have enough "chatter" in my classroom. I don't need it elsewhere. I don't really care how long my life is, as long as I get to spend it doing what I love and with my honey.

My relatives seem to hanging on until their 80s or 90s. That's good enough for me.

Veronica

[Cataboo]

I think you're going to die young, so you better hurry up and friend everyone!

[roadie gal]

I think you're going to die young, so you better hurry up and friend everyone!

Crap! That's what I was afraid of!

[goldfinch]

My hunch is that it is the quality of the social contacts, not quantity. :)

[GLC1968]

I think you're going to die young, so you better hurry up and friend everyone!

LOL!

I think the people reporting these studies fail to convey the importance of what they really mean. It's not that people with 942 facebook friends are going to live longer than the happily married couple living in a remote ranch in a tiny town in the wilds of Montana. It's that humans are social creatures and we need social validation/support to live emotionally healthy lives. And emotional health is critical to longevity. WHERE we get it this support/interaction varies from individual to individual. As far as I'm concerned, that's how it should be. If we all needed to be the center of attention at a party, it would be one lousy party, you know?

[OakLeaf]

I was recently introduced to the Jungian concept of introversion/extroversion. The idea is that most people gain energy from being with others, but there are some people who need solitude to recharge. I'm one. Sounds like maybe you are, too. (This is independent of the common concepts of introversion or extroversion - someone can function well in social situations and even be a show-off, but still be drained by it emotionally.)

[shootingstar]

I've had a number of different jobs in vastly different and contrasting organizations and work cultures both in public and private sectors. Some organizations have been heavily dominated by men in terms of daily work interactions for me.

It's been a real interesting journey in meeting a very broad range of people from all walks of life, but have not acquired personal friendships from my jobs. Part of it is due to the personal preference that I don't spend time with work colleagues outside of the job nor do I go out for lunch hardly at all with anyone from work. I have tried, but things have naturally peetered out of mutual apathy by both myself and others over time.

It would be nice to have more closer female friends but it doesn't help when already I've moved to 2 different provinces in the past few years. I'm a socialable person with a smaller circle of long term friends (friendships over 25 yrs. long)..who unfortunately live in another province but have proven to be helpful ears during recent personal upheavals/life changing events.

I would less happy cultivating connection with a ton of superficial social networks where I would feel even MORE isolated. It only accentuates my disconnection with people I share very little common interest.

By the way, I see TE forums as a convenient place to chat up on specific stuff without worrying about how much advance knowledge I have on a particular topic. :)

[indysteel]

I was recently introduced to the Jungian concept of introversion/extroversion. The idea is that most people gain energy from being with others, but there are some people who need solitude to recharge. I'm one. Sounds like maybe you are, too. (This is independent of the common concepts of introversion or extroversion - someone can function well in social situations and even be a show-off, but still be drained by it emotionally.)

I think that's the definition the Myers-Briggs personality test uses to determine introversion/extroversion. There's a common misunderstanding of what it means to be introverted or extroverted. As you point out, most people define it as shy versus outgoing.

I, personally, am just slightly more introverted than extroverted--at least according to Myers-Briggs. In practical terms, it means I need some social interaction, but not too much. It makes for a bit of internal conflict, as I tend to make plans with other people rather readily and then come to regret it or purposely carve out some alone/down time, only to then feel lonely and sad. Cycling with other people is actually the perfect activity for me. It's social, but doesn't necessarily require constant conversation or interaction.

[badger]

I was recently introduced to the Jungian concept of introversion/extroversion. The idea is that most people gain energy from being with others, but there are some people who need solitude to recharge. I'm one. Sounds like maybe you are, too. (This is independent of the common concepts of introversion or extroversion - someone can function well in social situations and even be a show-off, but still be drained by it emotionally.)


I was going to point this out as well. If you take the Briggs-Meyers test (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp) they ask if you need to "decompress" and be on your own after being with others - a classic sign of being introverted.

I'm INFJ and frequently need to be on my own to "recharge", and those who are extroverted sometimes have a hard time understanding my need to be alone.

[Crankin]

I have lots of "networks," connections, etc. and a few very close friends. I am seen as very social, but I enjoy my alone time, mostly with DH. I spent years being friends with work people outside of work and I made a decision to stop that a long time ago. I hardly have anything in common with my 2 close non-cycling friends now, either. Another one is now into riding (the one who bought the Ruby), so we ride sometimes and socialize with husbands. We socialize mostly with one couple, our cycling friends, but we do lots of other stuff with them besides riding... theatre, restaurants, vacations. I still stay in contact with one or two friends in AZ, and see them when I go there. I am in contact with and see one friend from my middle school/HS days here in Boston, despite many many moves. She lives about 20 miles from me. In 2 weeks, I am going to my 40th reunion from the high school I didn't graduate from, but with all of the kids I grew up with. Moving ripped away a lot of those connections and I like having them. I don't socialize with the people, but as I get older, it's nice.
I don't socialize with my riding group, either. Most of the people have been friends for years and I always feel on the outside, although they are perfectly pleasant. I stopped volunteering at the synagogue because of riding, too. I have absolutely nothing in common with most of the people and frankly, as they age, they are looking like a mighty unhealthy bunch. I go to one or two social events there a year and give my $. Now I have my friends from grad school, too. Those connections will continue, but I am not sure how or how long.We are talking about a peer supervision group.
I think the research means you have to feel some connection to something; a religious group, family, hobby, volunteer group. There's a lot of people who just go home and watch TV after working all day.

[badger]

interesting, I just took the test again and today I'm ISFJ. I've been INFP as well, but one thing remains steadfast is my "very expressed introversion".

[indysteel]

interesting, I just took the test again and today I'm ISFJ. I've been INFP as well, but one thing remains steadfast is my "very expressed introversion".

Today, I'm an INFJ, but my I (18%) and my F (12%) are not strong preferences. In the past, I've tested as an INTJ. So, I'm either a "counselor" or a "mastermind."

[Owlie]

I have a few close friends, and a larger network of acquaintances. I need alone time to recharge from social interactions with people I don't know well, but at the same time, I need a couple people I'm close to around.

[westtexas]

Not sure where I sit on the scale at the moment, but I know in the past I've always tested in the "E" category on Meyers-Briggs. However, I feel like a lot of y'all - I have a few close friends but spend the majority of my time alone (with my cat). My family is very very close to me, especially my mother. My few close friends are also great and I enjoy spending time with them - when I am feeling up to it. Most of the time for me the reason I don't participate heavily in group activities is that my peers are not into doing the same things I want to do. THey all want to drink and get hammered and I'm tired of always being the DD (I do drink, BTW, I just can't drink like that). They want to sit around and gossip and I'd rather go outside and hike. They are also all married (or might as well consider themselves to be) and older than me by a few years and the biggest thing on their minds right now is husbands and babies (obviously I am close to neither at this point in my life).

But, on the other hand, I enjoy striking up conversations with complete strangers while waiting in lines or while out doing my hobbies. I can make friends with just about anyone. I enjoy social interaction - I just have to choose it carefully. Probably why all the tests say I'm extroverted!

Update: Took the test. Found out I'm an ESFJ. Apparently good for being the medical field, so I guess that's a good thing. The description definitely was me to a 't'.

[tulip]

Yes...

Sometimes I'm INFJ, sometimes INTJ.

And the sports I've enjoyed are of the more solitary nature. Not team sports.

Me, too! although I thoroughly enjoyed playing competitive soccer when I was younger.

[Crankin]

Ha, I am an ENTJ, the most un-counselor like of all of the combinations. Apparently because I am so direct, I should be a business person.

[emily_in_nc]

I'm INFJ and frequently need to be on my own to "recharge", and those who are extroverted sometimes have a hard time understanding my need to be alone.

Another INFJ here! I am around and interacting with people at work all day so sometimes feel downright anti-social when I get home. I live in an apartment now and have some neighbors I love, but sometimes I really hope not to run into anyone when I take my dog out for a walk, for instance. Other times I'm just fine with it and happy to stop and chat. I'm much more sociable on the weekends since I haven't had my social energy drained at work.

We lived in a single-family homes for many years, and this was not something I ever had to worry about. Although I come across as very sociable, I think; living in multi-family housing has reinforced for me just how much of an introvert I really am. A friendly, smiling introvert who loves her alone time. :o

[ultraviolet]

I'm an introvert, with a fairly small social circle. In fact, I was just having a conversation with someone about how Facebook does or does not reflect how we implement interpersonal relationships in our day-to-day lives, and I mentioned that I looked at the number of "friends" I had on Facebook a couple of months ago and promptly dropped about 2/3 of them, because it was improbable to me that I had that many people I would call "friend".

I have no bitterness over the notion that people with extensive social networks may live longer than me. I'm fine with that. IN fact, it just gives me more motivation to live the life that I want and that makes me happy while I can. And if that life means more time reading a book on the couch, or riding around on the back of my bike by myself...I'm totally fine with that, because it's what keeps me happy. To be honest, I've never really thought I'd make it past about 52 anyway. No, I don't have a death wish, it's just a number that stuck in my head when I was pretty young. So, in my brain, anything past that is just bonus time. :p

As far as Meyers-Briggs goes, I'm an INTJ. If you read the description of an INTJ, it's definitely reflective of the core of my personality...and certainly in my professional life.

For anyone who is familiar with the Enneagram, I'm a 5. That's something that's also pretty descriptive me, but it goes a little deeper than the Meyers-Briggs, with more variation in personality and motivation drivers.

[lauraelmore1033]

My hunch is that it is the quality of the social contacts, not quantity. :)

well crap, I'm done for...

[PamNY]

I was recently introduced to the Jungian concept of introversion/extroversion. The idea is that most people gain energy from being with others, but there are some people who need solitude to recharge. I'm one. Sounds like maybe you are, too. (This is independent of the common concepts of introversion or extroversion - someone can function well in social situations and even be a show-off, but still be drained by it emotionally.)

Yes! Thank you! This is me. And isn't the bike wonderful for solitude?

Roadie gal, I have wondered about exactly the question you ask. As I get older, I am less interested in superficial friends, and I have less of a need to please people. I hope I am just changing to a different type of friend, as "special interest" friends are playing more of a role in my life.

It's a good topic to discuss.

[smilingcat]

interesting test. Some of the questions were not easy to answer. Depending on my mood I may react differently.

You are:

* slightly expressed extravert
* distinctively expressed intuitive personality
* moderately expressed feeling personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

an ENFJ
Strength of the preferences %
Extraverted 1 %
Intuitive 62%
Feeling 25%
Judging 56%

I'm not so sure about moderately expressed judging personality. This doesn't sound good.

I do admit that I first look at problem intuitively and if it makes sense then I approach it logically.

As for having circle of friends, I like to keep several circle of friends. Co-workers are one group. Gardening another group. Cat people another group. Ceramic/pottery another group. Cycling another group...

One thing though, I really can't stand is a huge party. I'm just overwhelmed. I prefer quiet gathering of 2-4 friends.

The thing about those who live to be 100 I've noticed, is that they all seem to have been happy with their lives, content in their living and of course very little stress. I don't think its matter of how many friends you have or how extroverted you are.

Well thank you for the link to the test. It was fun.

[Kiwi Stoker]

I have been living with a 94 year old woman for the last 2 years.
I have watched her slowly pull into herself over that time. She has stopped talking to people on the phone, stopped talking to visitors (she watches TV) and doesn't go out or if she does, it's to the church service and then straight home afterwards.

I watch this with sorrow- I cannot talk or interact with her as she speaks another language and DH tries his best to start conversations but she shuts him down very quickly.

Is this quality of life? I don't think so. And I don't know when we move out with 6 weeks time what is going to happen. Very sad.

[OakLeaf]

If you take the Briggs-Meyers test (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp) they ask if you need to "decompress" and be on your own after being with others - a classic sign of being introverted.

Uh ... where's the privacy policy on that webpage??? Besides this one (http://www.humanmetrics.com/hmdisclaimer.htm):


All claims arising out of the use of this site shall be governed by the laws of the State of Israel. Users of this site hereby irrevocably submit to the jurisdiction of, and agree to initiate and prosecute any and all claims that may be brought against humanmetrics.com exclusively in the State of Israel





Kiwi Stoker, I'm so sorry about your friend/relative and about the position you're in with her. Hope all works out for the best - although it's hard to know what is best in that kind of situation. :(

[ASammy1]

This is really interesting as it seems most of us fall into the NFJ category... I am ENFJ, but just barely on the E side of the spectrum. Hmmm, something to ponder...

[roadie gal]

Yes...

Sometimes I'm INFJ, sometimes INTJ.

And the sports I've enjoyed are of the more solitary nature. Not team sports.

Yes, exactly. Over the years I've taken the test a number of times and it always comes up one of these 2

[Owlie]

I test either as ISTP or ISTJ (apparently the last one isn't a terribly strong preference). The I is certainly a strong preference!

Sorry, Asammy. ;)

[ClockworkOrange]

Love the thread roady gal.

Over the years I have been lucky enough to have had a lot of friends and when I divorced it was great, always somebody who was happy to go out somewhere with me or just pop over for a chat.

Same at Christmas time, so many cards to write out blah blah blah!

Now I am older, I think why on earth am I writing Christmas cards to people I will never ever see again and frankly don’t know or really care about anymore. This sounds pretty harsh but I am sure my ‘then’ friends feel the same. So much so I have minimised my Christmas list big time and the same with pressies, it was becoming a chore and that is the the time to stop. I have a handful of very close friends and if we do not speak for a couple of months it never matters, we are always there for each other.

My PET HATE!

You go for a walk in the country or a bike ride and all of a sudden everybody wants to say ‘hello’..................well I DON’T! I avoid eye contact, just can’t be bothered but my partner is the opposite, he is nice to everybody. If I was to see these same people along the High Street or shopping mall they wouldn’t give me the time of day.

I do enjoy company I choose to be with but equally I need solitude too. :)

Yes, the original Mrs Grumpy! :D

[Deborajen]

Roadie gal, you've gotta love "studies." Yeah, the rooster crows every morning, then the sun comes up - doesn't that show that the rooster crowing might cause the sun to come up? Studies can be interesting, but they always need to be taken with a grain of salt. A lot of people who commit suicide are withdrawn or have become withdrawn, and a lot of people with larger social circles have connections in healthcare who might help point out causes for concern or help point the person in the direction of the right medical care resulting in the person living longer, etc. On the other hand, less social people can be perfectly healthy whereas a social butterfly can die of cancer at a young age.

I've never appreciated personality "labels," mainly because I grew up being teased - usually in front of a group, not one-to-one - that I was "so quiet." It seldom happens anymore but I still get irritated when I see people do that to others. It's not socially acceptable to say "you're so fat" or "you're so dumb" in front of a group, but teasing a shy person who isn't good at defending him/herself - because he/she is shy & awkward - seems to be perfectly o.k. Well, that's one of my big pet peeves.

I have friends but especially I have a few really close friends that I've known "forever." I guess I could get lazy again and gain lots of weight and work on making lots of "friends," but somehow I just don't think that's the way to live longer.

[Jolt]

I test either as ISTP or ISTJ (apparently the last one isn't a terribly strong preference). The I is certainly a strong preference!

Sorry, Asammy. ;)

Interesting how so many of us test two different ways...I just took the test in the link earlier in the thread and came out INTJ, where in college I took one where I tested as ISTJ. In any case I can relate to not wanting to interact with people constantly...it wears me out after a certain point and then I just need to get away from everyone, preferably out in nature somewhere.

[Brandi]

I was recently introduced to the Jungian concept of introversion/extroversion. The idea is that most people gain energy from being with others, but there are some people who need solitude to recharge. I'm one. Sounds like maybe you are, too. (This is independent of the common concepts of introversion or extroversion - someone can function well in social situations and even be a show-off, but still be drained by it emotionally.)
That is me!! I love being around "my people" but I like to be by myself to reconnect with me. But when I am by myself I often think "Oh I need to share that with so and so". I worry about my husband though he can stay away from people and be fine. But he needs to be pushed to go out and when he does (grumbling all the way) he relaxes and enjoys it. But if I am not her he will become a hermit!.

[ASammy1]

I test either as ISTP or ISTJ (apparently the last one isn't a terribly strong preference). The I is certainly a strong preference!

Sorry, Asammy. ;)

No worries! :p

[Geonz]

I remember reading that hey, these things can shift based on our situations.

F'rinstance that "J" category that's called "Judgement." If I remember right, it doesn't mean you Cast Judgemetn Upon YOur Fellow People. It means you like conclusions. You want things to get done. YOu're not all wrapped up in the essence of the moment like the P People, who are Perceiving.
Welp, I could certainly see a job change causing a shift in that perspective!

I remember finding the test a little frustrating because there were so many answers where I would think "well, it depends!" (Um, yes, I'm a P. I'm that rare combination INTP. When the head of the school asked at teh faculty meeting for us to raise our hands, after noting that according to the literature, we were likely to be stepping back and observing groups, there was a falling-out-laughing as ... the three of us in the back of the room put our paws in the air.) I can switch to F, tho' it's really for "thinking" reasons -- sometimes, factually speaking, addressing feelings is what will make things work better.

[jessmarimba]

Last one of these I took, I was INFJ. I remember reading the results and thinking it was like finding a true horoscope. Interesting.

[emily_in_nc]

F'rinstance that "J" category that's called "Judgement." If I remember right, it doesn't mean you Cast Judgemetn Upon YOur Fellow People. It means you like conclusions. You want things to get done. YOu're not all wrapped up in the essence of the moment like the P People, who are Perceiving.


Yes, I always think of Judging vs Perceiving this way:

J - feels more comfortable once a decision is made, likes having plans, not as comfortable when plans change unexpectedly, can be a bit rigid

P - enjoys the possibilities before a decision is made, spontaneous, less rigid, flexible about changes in plans

So, think about how you are about vacations, for instance. Do you prefer to plan out where you'll go, what you'll do, and when; or just let things hang loose and see what develops or what mood you're in once you get there?

According to Jung, neither of these are bad or good; they are just preferences. Both have their good and bad aspects.

On the positive side, J's tend to be organized, follow through on things, get things done. They're the good students of the world. P's are the artsy, creative folks who sometimes lack focus but can be a lot of fun to be with as they go with the flow.

I am a J through and through who would love to be a lot more of a P!

[indysteel]

J is my strongest preference, and it is me to a fault. I am a planner, and I work as a staff attorney for a judge, so I get paid to basically come to a conclusion about things. I do like the process of making a decision, as I love to research, but I do not like just playing things by ear. I get really upset when plans change at the last minute.

[Becky]

I'm definitely a J, and I work for a guy who must be a P. It's frustrating....

Overall, I'm usually a INTJ, although it's been some time since I've taken the test. I think that my E is a little higher now.

ETA: Today, I'm an ISTJ, with the S being nearly equal to my N. Go figure...

[Chile Pepper]

Another INFJ here, but the F is my weakest preference, so it could easily be INTJ. The I and the J are the two most solid markers for me.

[sfa]

I'm an INTJ married to an INTP and it has caused us to nearly come to blows practically from the minute we were married. He wanted the honeymoon to be a complete surprise so he reserved the first night in a nice local hotel, wouldn't tell me what the hotel was, but forgot to get directions to it. Fortunately a kind blabbermouth at the reception had let it slip so I was able to give directions. Then the rest of the honeymoon the only planning he had done was to book the hotel. He wouldn't tell me the destination until we were at the airport, but he hadn't planned ANYTHING for the week we were away--no guidebooks about what to see and do, no maps for getting around, no reviews for restaurants. Nothing. I was in a state of high anxiety the whole time.

[indysteel]

I'm an INTJ married to an INTP and it has caused us to nearly come to blows practically from the minute we were married. He wanted the honeymoon to be a complete surprise so he reserved the first night in a nice local hotel, wouldn't tell me what the hotel was, but forgot to get directions to it. Fortunately a kind blabbermouth at the reception had let it slip so I was able to give directions. Then the rest of the honeymoon the only planning he had done was to book the hotel. He wouldn't tell me the destination until we were at the airport, but he hadn't planned ANYTHING for the week we were away--no guidebooks about what to see and do, no maps for getting around, no reviews for restaurants. Nothing. I was in a state of high anxiety the whole time.

I hear ya. I suspect my DH is not a J, and our different approaches really come out when we travel. On one hand, his apparent refusal to plan puts me in the drivers's seat by default, which has its advantages. I make most of the big (and small) decisions so I get my way about a lot of things. I also like to plan our trips; it's part of the fun for me. He, however, sees at as exceedingly tedious.

But (and this is a big but) while I like the advance planning aspect of travel, I do get tired of handling the logistics of everything one we're there. He can sometime see rather oblivious to the fact that there are details to work out; you can't just fly by the seat of your pants all the time. I'm learning to anticipate as much as I can, but it also helps if we choose vacations that simply require less in the way of logistics. I try to keep it simple.

Plus, it does help to appreciate that these traits are largely innate. We're wired this way. I'm sure he gets sick of my incessant need to have a plan, too. And he is largely accommodating to what I want to do, so at least we don't argue about that aspect of things that much.

[Becky]

I'm so grateful that my DH is not only a J, but an INTJ at that. (Yep, I asked him to take the test this morning :D)

The longer that we're together, the more that I realize just how alike we are, and that's a good thing.

[Catrin]

I am an INFJ, I think the most useful thing about the MB test is it really brings home that different people really DO think/feel differently.

[emily_in_nc]

Me = INFJ
DH = ISTJ

I'm glad we're both I and J, but the other two cause us friction at times -- we just see the world very differently at times. Still, we will have been married for 26 years this month, so it's obviously working more often than not! :p