Relationship help?

[RidingBuddy]

Hi! Is it appropriate to ask for some relationship help here? I need some wise lady advice.
It's actually help with the ex.
For the most part I've been able to disengage and not have to interact with him, but still there are matters of business which pop up. When I have to interact I try to be very business like, but I feel that he tries to use every reply to repeat every issue, lie, etc. that he every thought, said about me.
I'd like to just ignore that and stick to my business but I find that it's hard to leave his false accusations unanswered.
Any advice? on whether how to proceed?
Oh, I'm going to ride my bike to today (there cycling related :cool:)

[Irulan]

counseling or 12 step work might give you the tools you need to to do what you need to do.

[bmccasland]

Meet in a public and neutral place. Restaurant, coffee shop, something like that.

Try to keep your emotions in check. Make a list to keep on point of things that you need to discuss, and have the list out on the table. Set a time limit, i.e. you have XYZ to discuss, and you only have one hour. At the end of that time, leave.

Do either of you have an attorney? If need be, meet in your attorney's office, with your attorney, or one of the clerks, present.

Good luck. You will get through this. Breathe the fresh air (despite the pollen :rolleyes:) when you ride.

[Bluetree]

1.) Use email as much as possible.

2.) Wait 24 hours before responding.

Very rarely do things need an immediate response, and actions/words taken when emotions are heated is often counterproductive. Wait, cool down, and then only reply to the business at hand.

[malkin]

Detach, detach, detach...

During times when I am working hard on this, I fiddle with a little old style key chain, you know the kind with the little balls that close by sliding into that oval joining link. It's a good reminder for me to open and close that little chain and I tell myself "detatch."

[lph]

recognize that he has a need to repeat these things for reasons of his own, if nothing else then to justify to himself that he did the right thing and lessen his own hurt.

recognize that you no longer need to hash out who is "right". He may want to, but you are not obliged to participate.

you can always choose to not answer. It's hard, and yes, it does hurt. But someone has to bear the burden of not starting new, unnecessary arguments, and if he won't help, you have to be that person.

if you feel you have to respond, for your own sanity's sake, say to yourself that you will do so, but not here and now, save it until later when you can write it down. Most likely it will end up as an exasperated letter to yourself.

[RidingBuddy]

Thanks all! I needed a fresh perspective. Good female encouragement and a bike ride makes everything seem better

[alexis_the_tiny]

For everything he says, take it at face value. Read nothing into it. As long as it can be interpreted as business, its business. Everything else, ignore. Take lots and lots of deep breaths and don't engage. +1 on advice to meet on neutral territory.

[Bike Writer]

Exactly what LPH said, he is trying to draw you into his problems, they are not your problems. He sounds conflicted and feels the need to justify something to himself or the world. Don't get caught in his downward spiraling vortex.

It's hard not to and especially hard not to correct blatant statements that are just not true, but you sound pretty strong and it will take your strength not to be drawn into that morass. You've made the break and you are not part of a "couple" anymore so you know you don't have to satisfy or justify to anyone else but yourself. If you keep that thought in mind it will be easier not to respond. Sounds like he has not moved to that level yet. Pity.

As time goes by, this does get easier.

Happy riding :)

[Roadtrip]

I agree with everything contained, but you mention business discussions are your main reasons to communicate, so are you in a position to buy your partner out so you can make a clean cut?

It sounds like your ex can't keep things from the past seperate from the present day situation and if he can do that, then try (or you may be forced to) to separate the business before it becomes too disfunctional and the business fails and is of little use to either of you.

Just my two cents :)

Shannon