results from needle biopsy :(

[marni]

Well the results are back and they are not so good. In addition to the calcifications indicative of Ductal Carcinoma Insitu ( non invasive breast cancer) they found some areas of a "atypical cellular structures" which means something else, not positive .

My options are for them to whack another piece out and then follow up with radiation therapy, or to just go ahead and have a masectomy on one side and continue with the tamoxifen to protect the other side, keeping my fingers crossed.

I will more than likely have the masectomy although my sag guy is not entranced with the idea, but is quick to say that it is my choice and he married me for myself, not my body.

I am slated to do the little red riding hood ride in June with my three sisters in june and since the dr. says that although the decision needs to be made, preferably sooner rather than later, she is not worried about waiting a couple of months, that it is not about to run amuck, it's just another atypical result that I need to deal with.

I am releasing/venting/ dithering here because I can't yet dither to anyone other than DH and that makes me tense. I am thinking not be telling my sisters until after the ride at least because I don't want that weekend to turn into a pity party but at the same time I sure would like some sympathetic ears and shoulders. What would you do?

I will be telling my children about the probability of the surgery, since they pretty much know that something is going on but I am in a real dither about my sisters. We are very close, and we all vowed (after my mothers open heart surgery which she hadn't told us about until 24 hours ahead of time and then only because the sister still living at home, broke her promise and called us) that we would employ full disclosure at all times, but....... I think I will be swinging back and forth between ignoring it and obsessing about it and being grimly upbeat so as not to worry dh and fil who lives with use, that I won't be any good with dealing with anything but objective listening and quiet non emotional support until after the fact and I know the "sistahs" will all want to support and surround before and after. Dither Dither Dither what to do what to do?

It's not even like my ta tas are that big- small fried egg size, so I don't foresee any problems to adapting to being one sided, and the other side seems to be blissfully clear so fingers crossed on that issue. Obviously I have very very mixed emotions about it all.

Anyway, we can all relax the wheel spinning until June and then I would really appreciate some really really active wheel spinning and positive thoughts.

[azfiddle]

Katy- sending a hug - that's pretty tough news, and I'm sure you will have some rollers to ride for a while with ups and downs. I hope the way ahead will be as smooth as possible, and I'm pretty sure this will be just one of many messages of support. Sharon

[KnottedYet]

((((Marni)))))

I'd tell my sisters PDQ. (in my case, it's my best friend who told me all her breast stuff every moment... cuz I'dve been really mad if she hadn't told me)

Imagine if one of your sisters was going through this, and was afraid to tell you?

Telling them now fulfills your promise you made to each other, and lets them get over the emotional hump before you really need them to be strong and steady helping you before and after the mastectomy.

Make the plans now. (Who is going to stay with your family to help while you are in the hospital? Who is going to stay with you at the hospital? Who is going to stay with you and help once you get home?) Then everyone is ready and has their ducks in a row, so it all goes smoothly.

And you can do the ride without fretting...

(((((((Big Hugs!!!!)))))))

[snapdragen]

Aw, darnnit. Big hugs sent your way marni.

If you decide to tell your sisters, just let them know that you need their support, with no added drama. I'm thinking it would be good to have some more sounding boards, but that's just me.

We'll keep the wheels at a slow spin, to send you strength.

[Tokie]

Is there any support network nearby (American Cancer Association?) that might have a breast cancer support group of some sort? We have a Breast Cancer Resource Center in our town with a library,support groups and you can sign up to have a "buddy" to call on for support through your diagnosis and treatment. You may be surprised how your friends and family can rise to the occasion when you tell them how you need them to help you! The surgery decision is so personal-you are the only one who will know what is right. You have every right to make your own choice and be supported for it. Take good care of yourself! tokie

[Kitsune06]

Ohhh, (((((((((((((((((((((((Marni))))))))))))))))))))))) hugs and support from us, too. One step at a time.

[crazycanuck]

Marni, I just wanna say you're one strong chicka for putting up with the rounds of needles etc.

Take care
C

[hebe]

((((Marni)))))

I'd tell my sisters PDQ. (in my case, it's my best friend who told me all her breast stuff every moment... cuz I'dve been really mad if she hadn't told me)

Imagine if one of your sisters was going through this, and was afraid to tell you?

Telling them now fulfills your promise you made to each other, and lets them get over the emotional hump before you really need them to be strong and steady helping you before and after the mastectomy.

Make the plans now. (Who is going to stay with your family to help while you are in the hospital? Who is going to stay with you at the hospital? Who is going to stay with you and help once you get home?) Then everyone is ready and has their ducks in a row, so it all goes smoothly.

And you can do the ride without fretting...

(((((((Big Hugs!!!!)))))))

All of this. I would be telling my sisters. I'm sending you hope, hugs and postive thoughts anyway.

[jelee1311]

{{{Marni}}}. I think I would let your sisters know because I'm sure they would want to know and help you. Please vent when you need to we will listen. Please be good to yourself. Big hugs. Jenn

[indysteel]

(((((marni)))). I'm so sorry to read this. I agree with everything Knotted said in terms of telling your sisters. I'm sending positive, healing thoughts your way.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((((marni)))))))))

Telling your sisters totally depends on your relationship and whether you think you can trust them to be there for YOU and not bring their own baggage to the party.

I hope that you have the kind of relationship with your sisters that will let you tell them, but please don't let ***US*** bring ***OUR*** own baggage to this party also, and encourage you to do things that aren't in your best interests.

People who love you will tend to (1) worry, (2) judge your decisions and (3) think about how your decisions and your condition could affect THEM, and you don't need ANY of those things right now. (e.g. what you said about your DH and the choice you have to make about a mastectomy) So I totally support your decision to tell only the people with whom you feel completely safe, never mind what social pressures exist because of your biological or other relationship to them. You don't need those social pressures right now, either - not from them and not from us.

+1 on making arrangements as soon as you feel confident enough to do it. But it's better to wait until you can make a decision from a position of strength later, than to make a hasty decision from a position of fear.

Spinning my wheels for you.



ETA: While it's true that it may be helpful for your sisters' doctors to know your medical history, there is NO URGENCY to that need. (If you choose to go an aggressive route, your doctor will be able to tell you whether your cells are even the kind that tend to run in families. Odds are that they aren't.) Tell your sisters when and if you feel safe, and not before. This is NOT the time you need to be taking care of other people. This is the time you need to be taking care of yourself. PLEASE don't let anyone else burden you with their own baggage surrounding breast health issues, and ESPECIALLY not TE'rs whom you hardly know (me included). You have enough voices screaming in your own head already, I'll wager. You don't need them screaming from the outside, too.

Take good care. Of yourself.

[Crankin]

Marni, I am sorry about the results.
I kind of am thinking about your situation like Oak. On the one hand, you made a pact with your sisters, not to withhold information. On the other hand, you *do* want to enjoy your ride with them. If they are going to carry on, as you said, a "pity party," it might be wise to wait until after the ride.
You are the only one who can make the decisions you need to make. If it was me, I would only tell my DH and children, but I have found that recently, I tell very little to anyone else. If you have the kind of relationship with your sisters that you can tell them about the situation, but you haven't made a decision on the type of surgery, maybe that would be OK, if you explain that you don't want this to ruin your ride.
People will try and give all kinds of advice, colored by their own experience.

[Catrin]

{{{Marni}}} Having been through an ovarian cancer scare I know how you are feeling, though it wasn't my gals in question. Certainly you should tell your sisters, but when you are ready to do so. It does help to be able to talk about it with people who love you/you love. I certainly encourage you to tell them as soon as you can, but you have to do this at your pace. Everyone has given good advice - and am sending good thoughts, prayers, and wishes your way!

[spokewench]

Marni, so sorry this was the diagnosis; my heart goes out to you. I had a similar situation when I was young, my Mom did not disclose a surgery (she has a mass the size of a grapefruit between her lungs) when I first went off to college. I found out when I came home for Christmas. I was and am still not happy about that and that was many years ago.

I know you want to enjoy your bike ride, but I would tell my sisters. That's more important than the bike ride. Just tell them that you are really looking forward to the ride and that they respect that. I'm sure they will.

[Biciclista]

{{{Marni}}}

you have lots of shoulders here for you.

[ny biker]

(((((((((marni)))))))))

Telling your sisters totally depends on your relationship and whether you think you can trust them to be there for YOU and not bring their own baggage to the party.

I hope that you have the kind of relationship with your sisters that will let you tell them, but please don't let ***US*** bring ***OUR*** own baggage to this party also, and encourage you to do things that aren't in your best interests.

People who love you will tend to (1) worry, (2) judge your decisions and (3) think about how your decisions and your condition could affect THEM, and you don't need ANY of those things right now. (e.g. what you said about your DH and the choice you have to make about a mastectomy) So I totally support your decision to tell only the people with whom you feel completely safe, never mind what social pressures exist because of your biological or other relationship to them. You don't need those social pressures right now, either - not from them and not from us.

+1 on making arrangements as soon as you feel confident enough to do it. But it's better to wait until you can make a decision from a position of strength later, than to make a hasty decision from a position of fear.

Spinning my wheels for you.



ETA: While it's true that it may be helpful for your sisters' doctors to know your medical history, there is NO URGENCY to that need. (If you choose to go an aggressive route, your doctor will be able to tell you whether your cells are even the kind that tend to run in families. Odds are that they aren't.) Tell your sisters when and if you feel safe, and not before. This is NOT the time you need to be taking care of other people. This is the time you need to be taking care of yourself. PLEASE don't let anyone else burden you with their own baggage surrounding breast health issues, and ESPECIALLY not TE'rs whom you hardly know (me included). You have enough voices screaming in your own head already, I'll wager. You don't need them screaming from the outside, too.

Take good care. Of yourself.

I completely agree with this. You need to do what's best for yourself and your situation.

My parents waited until after my brother's wedding to tell us that my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer. No one was angry at them -- they did what was best for them, and what they felt would be best for us.

Best of luck to you.

[maillotpois]

Big hug to you, Marni. Hang in there and we're here for you.

Only you know the right thing to do with respect to your sisters.

[Pedal Wench]

Marni,
My mom was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma Insitu ( non invasive breast cancer) when I was 17. That was 31 years ago. I clearly remember the family meeting to discuss what it meant, and what the options were for her. She chose to skip surgery, but is incredibly vigilant about watching it. My sis had breast cancer too (diagnosed about 13 years ago), so this means my family history puts me high on the risk lists. It's good for all the family to know what's going on - not just so they can comfort you (I would be furious if they kept something serious from me!) but also so they know the family genetics.

[Possegal]

I agree with folks saying that really only you can say what is best for you. We all only know what is best for ourselves. You do what you need to do. If you tell your sisters now, maybe be very emphatic with them that right now, you want to just enjoy your bike ride and deal with this when that is finished and ask them to not dwell on it with you before then.

Keep in mind folks, there is no need for marni to tell the family for their own medical well-being, as this is not her first diagnosis (hence the vigilant screening and the tamoxifen she is taking), so her family already knows that there is now a family history.

We will all keep spinning our wheels for you marni, you just tell us how hard you need us to spin! ;) And come here and vent anytime you need to. I find it one of the best things about online/anonymous forums.

[zoom-zoom]

You've already been given so much good advice...I will simply add my support. (((Marni))) you are so strong. Continue to be good to yourself and do what makes this journey easiest for YOU.

[MomOnBike]

I agree with Knotted Yet. I'd tell my sisters. That may be just me, my sister and my husband were the only two that knew about my cancer for a long time. My mother was the last one I told, but that's my family dynamics.

If you do tell your sisters, order - don't politely suggest - order them to have fun with you on the upcoming ride. The pity party can happen afterwards. The bike ride will be for mental health. There will be more than enough time for a pity party.

[withm]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I guess statistically 1 out of 9 or 10 women are affected. Once you include their families and friends, at this point I think everyone knows someone in your position.

I have 4 sisters, we are fairly close, and yes, I would struggle with this decision as well. Much as I might want to keep things to myself, I just can't see any benefit by not telling them if I had any kind of a serious condition.

Since you are close with your sisters, they will notice changes in your attitudes and behavior, or preoccupation and I would guess they will be wondering what's going on. It will be very difficult to even have phone conversations over the next 2 months and have them not notice even subtle changes or that you are not as forthcoming as you usually are.

I know my sisters would be very hurt if I were to withhold this news for so long. Your bike ride is not for 2 months - telling them now lets the news sink in, and gives them time to think about it and to react. I would expect that sharing this will bring you all even closer and make for a better bike ride when you do all get together.

[indigoiis]

Telling your sisters opens a line of communication for them to tell you when they need you, when the time is right. If you do tell them, be specific (facts, next steps) and then be specific about what you need from them (a really fun bike ride, continued conversation/open communication) and then change the subject when you feel like everyone is on the same page.

[GLC1968]

I have no advice concerning your sisters as I don't have any and wouldn't begin to understand that relationship. I do agree that the decision must be YOURS based on YOUR needs...not theirs.

That said, like the rest of the wonderful TE community, I'm here to offer my support to you. We are here if you need it!

[redrhodie]

(((Marni))) I'm so sorry this isn't over. These tests sound so annoying and painful, but obviously they catch things a lot earlier now. At least that gives you time to figure out what to do, but I know that doesn't make these decisions any easier. Whatever you do, we're here for you. I hope we can help you find peace and strength through this. I know how far you've come with your fitness, and I know you will win this race. You can do it.

[Pax]

(((Marni))) Warm healing thoughts headed your way.

[ny biker]

By the way, you might want to check out livestrong.org. You might find some of their resources useful, either now or in the future. They offer help things like insurance and legal issues as well as managing treatment.

http://www.livestrong.org/Get-Help/Get-One-On-One-Support

And of course there's Susan G. Komen for the Cure :

http://ww5.komen.org/

[PamNY]

All my best to you.

You sound strong and level-headed. I'm sure you will make the right decision regarding your sisters. As other have mentioned, the important thing now is you and your needs. Take good care.

[smittykitty]

Hey Marni: Group Hug from TE. Do what feels best to YOU. Good luck with your decision. When you've made up your mind, you'll know.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[Trek420]

((((( marni) ))))) All my best.

[Tri Girl]

I can't add anything else to what's been said, except to say that you're in my thoughts. May you find peace in whatever decision you make (it's tough no matter what). ((((((hugs))))))

[malkin]

Take care.
Wishing you all the best.

[badger]

egads, I'm sorry to hear that the biopsy wasn't good news! Sending you good thoughts and vibes for a speedy recovery from surgery.

As for the sisters, like others have said, imagine if it was one of your sisters? wouldn't you want to know so you can support her?

Hugs

[channlluv]

{{{Marni}}}

I don't have a whole lot to add here, either, except for my love and support in whatever you choose to do.

You know your family dynamics better than any of us could hope to, but I'm with those who suggested telling your sisters before the bike ride -- maybe not today because you're still processing your own feelings and making plans of what to do next -- but I wouldn't put it off too long. If you have a pact, I'd honor that, but on your own terms. Tell them when you're ready.

If you tell them sooner, though, I agree that they'd have time to process their own feelings before the bike ride. I think you're incredibly brave for going through with the bike ride at all.

Vent away. Dither dither dither. As someone else said, you have a lot of friendly shoulders here to lean on.

Much, much love, Marni.

Roxy

[emily_in_nc]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Marni }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just so sorry you're having to go through this. :( Whatever decisions you make will be right for you.

[spindizzy]

There is so much perspective on TE! So thoughtful.

If your doctor said there is no hurry- I might be inclined to wait to tell everyone. Just till after your ride. Somehow, in everyone's efforts to help you, dealing with others emotions may become overwhelming for you. Dealing with the queries and suggestions from family- one realizes that it is all well intentioned that it comes from a place of love and caring. But it can be a burden on top of dealing with the personal decisions that you will need to make.

Is there a chance of the kids slipping up? That might make things awkward.

As many others have said - I am sure that you will make the decision that is right for you and your family.

((((Marni))))

[shootingstar]

Tell your sisters before the ride, they will want to be there with you for the ride also.

It's a journey they want to go along with you. The ride will be more enjoyable and more memorable that way for you and your sisters. Allow them to give the gift of their support and love for you --now.


****I say this as someone who lost my sister because she chose not to tell us and she made her own journey so lonely to a tragic end.

[szsz]

You will be fine.
Seek out support, either via disclosure among your sister or joining a group. Having the support of a group made my diagnosis and subsequent mastectomy bearable. I felt like I had a lot of good information as a result as well. It felt good to have so many people on my side. I was in shock and not thinking clearly at the beginning. So much information to digest.

I just went through this last year. Please PM if I can help. I am super fine now.