when you dump a friend

[badger]

I had to dump a "friend" that I have known for over 20 years. we've never had a great friendship, we had a falling out once before. But this is it. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or have her yell at me for not letting her know that I'm not having a birthday party (this all transpired on my birthday).

I will admit that I'm not completely faultless, but it's just too hard to maintain a friendship with someone you have to watch every little thing you say or do because she will get mad or criticize. I've never been yelled at before on a phone like that, and even after apologizing she kept on going. And really, why should I apologize for not having a party? I can honestly say that was abuse.

Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean they're good for you. I'm glad to not have her in my life anymore.

[/rant over]

[lph]

Good for you, badger! *applause*

I know just what you mean, I'm afraid.

[Biciclista]

sounds like my mother. Lucky you, she's your ex friend.

[malkin]

Life is short.

Happy Birthday!!!

[Crankin]

Exactly. You did the right thing. I have a 20 year friend I would like to dump, too, but I just can't, as she's friends with one of my really good friends, too. So, we commiserate. She has all kinds of issues and I suspect Bipolar, or even a personality disorder. And I thought this before I went back to school. I have limited it to seeing her maybe once a month and a phone call every 2 weeks.
Too bad one of those calls was about an hour ago. She castigates me because I "don't care about my family" and she does. No, she still thinks she has to do things the way her parents did. What 57 year old calls her parents "mommy and daddy?" Her DH travels 4 days a week to get away from her and her son (college aged) can't stand being around her. All she has is her dog.
Oy. And she thinks there's something wrong with me?

[redrhodie]

(((badger))) I know this is harder than it sounds. I've felt more guilt over ending friendships than relationships. I hope you feel better without her in your life!

[Biciclista]

boy castigate IS the operative word

[badger]

Oy. And she thinks there's something wrong with me?

ha ha, and my ex friend thinks there's something wrong with me, too! she's faultless, of course. It's funny, the more I tried to not step on her toes, the more I ended up stomping on them!

Biciclista - she actually reminds me of my mother, too. We often get into relationships that remind us of our parents to work out the issues - I guess a small part of me hung onto this friendship to try and work out the issues I had with my mother, but I think this one just ran too deep.

Besides, after my mother went through menopause she's a different woman!

I really do feel better for not having her (ex-friend) in my life. I got nothing but negativity and strife from her.

[Crankin]

Well, my mother was not at all like this person.
She was like me :).

[indysteel]

Badger, I'm sorry you lost a friend, but it sounds like you did the right thing. I've broken up with a few friends myself, usually because the degree of crazy just got to be too much for me and/or they didn't reciprocate my friendship in some fundamental way.

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place. It is sad to lose a friend, though, even when it's the "right" thing to do. Hang I there. I always spend extra time lovin' on my pets when I feel down about a friend. They remind me how nice it is to be loved and to love in such a uncomplicated manner.

[Bike Writer]

Losing or ending friendships is hard and as others have mentioned the residual "loss" we feel is often related more to the relationship itself instead of the quality of it, sort of like we miss the habit more than the person, if that makes any sense.

Having entered the realm of politics a couple of years ago there have been instances of loss of friendship and fully trusting others is not easy in that realm because you often don't know if the reasons for friendships are pure in motive. I've seen my share of the seamy side of life inside the ropes, so to speak, and it ain't pretty!

Badger, if today was your birthday, Happy Birthday! too.

[shootingstar]

I think you had tried to be a loyal friend, badger.

She might miss you more than you miss her. She doesn't have a punching bag .. Ow, that sounded hurtful! :rolleyes:

[lph]

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place.

Very well said, indy.

[indysteel]

Thanks, lph. Ironically, this issue has been on my mind this week due to a conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend of mine about a mutual friend I broke up with a few years ago.

This particular friend had been in a bad relationship with a man for a number of years. And by bad, I mean that he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and toxic. They had broken up and gotten back together more times than I could count. During each breakup, I would hear from my friend, and I would do my best to encourage her to move on. Each time, she would insist she'd had enough, but would eventually return to him. It was a very unhealthy dynamic. What was always most telling to me is that she would get back together with him in secret. It would sometimes be weeks or months before she'd admit they had reunited.

After one particularly dramatic episode, I simply had had enough. I was tired of the drama, so I basically ended the friendship. We weren't the closest of friends anyway, and I rarely heard from her except when they were on the outs. They otherwise isolated themselves (another sign of trouble). I just wasn't getting much out of it anymore.

She, apparently, told our mutual friend recently that I "broke her heart" and that friends are supposed to be loyal and support one another no matter what. I've thought a lot about that this week with some degree of indignation. She's finally broken up with the guy--after another two years of drama (eight total)--and I was surprised that she still doesn't want to take any responsibility for how the relationship adversely affected her life, including her friendships. Prior to hearing that, I was half tempted to reconcile with her, but I've since thought better of it.

I love my friends, and generally speaking, I am more than happy to support them through good times and bad, but when they repeatedly engage is dysfunctional behavior with no sign of change, then I do not feel that it is my responsibility as a friend to support them. As harsh as this sounds, I have had my quota of crazy in my life. At this stage, I have neither the time nor the inclination to be anybody's therapist. If they want do take the steps necessary to be happy and healthy, then I'm there for them. Otherwise, I'm out the door with no apology.

I know some of the people in my life think I'm judgmental. And I suppose I am, but what the hell is all my own therapy worth if I don't give myself permission to exercise better judgment as to who I let in and keep in my life? I just find it odd that some women expect their friends to support them while they make a mess of their lives. That's not to say I've never made my own mistakes, but I never asked anyone else to clean up my mess.

My own rant over. :)

[Crankin]

I could not have said it better.

[indysteel]

Thanks, Crankin. Given your education and training, that means a lot to me, especially since I won't see my therapist for another couple of weeks. I needed a gut check on it.

It shouldn't surpise me that my former friend can't appreciate how or why I drew a boundary. If she, herself, knew how to draw and enforce boundaries, she never would have spent one year, let alone eight, with a man that was simply awful to her. He used to stalk her for goodness sake! Why I'm internalizing what she said about me is beyond me. I need to trust my own judgment more.

[jordanpattern]

Good for you for doing what's best for you, rather than slugging out a bad friendship out of a sense of obligation, Indysteel!

I recently dumped a friend. We were very close for a year or two, and then she rather suddenly underwent a complete personality shift. That didn't end the friendship; I figured we were just growing apart a bit, which happens and is fine. Then she began to say really mean-spirited passive aggressive things to me when we'd be together and also on another internet forum we were both members of. One time she implied that I had some kind of problem because I would ride the exercise bike at the gym for 45 - 55 minutes at a stretch (oh the humanity! - she thought that was an insane amount of cardio for someone who's not trying to lose weight). Each time, I'd try to do the mature thing and talk to her, and each time, she'd sort of apologize but allude to the fact that I'd somehow offended her. When I'd ask what was wrong and apologize for inadvertently offending her, she'd refuse to tell me. She always had a weird thing about my weight (I'm normal height but of very slight build, though I eat like a horse) The final straw was when I found out she was telling people that I had an eating disorder behind my back.

The point, I guess, and as you obviously know, is that life is too short to suffer jerks, fools, and toxic people. I hope my ex friend sorts through her issues, since she's obviously troubled by something, but I don't need to hang around and put up with crap while she does it. :)

[Roadtrip]

I've had a friendship that has been troublesome at times, there has been occasions where we had spats, said harsh words and ultimately reconciled. I don't make friends easy as I'm pretty shy and reserved so I'm hesitant to bail on this friendship, even tho at times it can be toxic and trying emotionally.

Good luck and glad you made the decision that was best for you!

Shannon

[Susan]

Good for you, Badger. Even if it may be hard at first, from what you write about this friendship it's probably better for you not to invest any more into it.

I can't even imagine why on earth so. would yell at so. because she doesn't have a birthday-party?

[Irulan]

Some people are just not healthy emotionally, and don't know what "healthy" looks like. That doesn't mean we have to tolerate it.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Friendship-Hurts-Friends-Abandon/dp/0743211456/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1301926810&sr=1-1

[badger]

you know, I've thought about her on and off this week, and I can honestly say that I don't miss anything about her. I don't even miss the idea of her, as we really haven't been friends for the past while. We don't discuss anything personal, and we only communicated via email once every few weeks, if that.

What I'm wanting, at this point, is actually for her to contact me so I can tell her all that was wrong with us, but that's a bit moot, isn't it? I'm not wanting to salvage the friendship.

[Irulan]

you know, I've thought about her on and off this week, and I can honestly say that I don't miss anything about her. I don't even miss the idea of her, as we really haven't been friends for the past while. We don't discuss anything personal, and we only communicated via email once every few weeks, if that.

What I'm wanting, at this point, is actually for her to contact me so I can tell her all that was wrong with us, but that's a bit moot, isn't it? I'm not wanting to salvage the friendship.


What would be the point of that? Venting so you feel better? One of things that is learned when becoming emotionally healthy is that you only take your own inventory, not someone else's. Anyway, that sounds like a terrible thing to do. Better just to let go and get on with your life.

[marni]

do a releasing ceremony- write down all the things that you would have to vent to her on a piece of paper, stand quietly in a darkened room with some candles and incense or whatever makes you feel calm and centered. Read each item out loud and preface it with something like" I release" ......., or "I no longer accept"...... taking a breath in and blow it out between each item. At the end, burn the list and promise yourself that all of the negative energy is released and you don't need to let it or her back in.

Of course the other option is to get some graveyard dirt and sprinkle it around the boundary of your living space to keep out the negative energies and protect you. :)!

Renegade pagan at heart

[WindingRoad]

I'm reviving this thread. :)

I have a very long term friend of whom I have known since the 6th grade. It has never been an 'easy' friendship, she has always had mental health issues that were very difficult for me to understand at the time. I understand a bit more now that I am older and honestly because I've had to deal with some of my own issues. This friend has been so difficult to deal with lately. I have had a pretty bad run here recently and as a result I have been a little down and consequently tired more frequently. I have been back home now for a couple of weeks and we had planned to get together at some point. I'm leaving Monday and we had set a time to get together Saturday. I was REALLY tired and just didn't feel up to meeting her. It's bad b/c really I didn't feel like 'dealing' with her. I texted her I wasn't feeling good and I got a text back saying she understood I was going through a hard time but so was she and that my cancelling really hurt her feelings. I was initially angry but now I just think I'm starting to understand how she really sees me. I think she only cares about her own feelings because it always goes back to how everything affects her. There's never any true concern for me on her part. If there is I feel it's 'bait'. She asks just enough to seem concerned then starts in with how bad everything is in her life and how much worse it is than any trouble I have. I really don't want to be in a 'contest' for who has the worst problems! This just seems so unhealthy. I also don't like the fact that she is drinking a LOT more lately. I have tried to help steer her in the right direction with that with the help of my brother who is a recovering alcoholic. The final feeling I'm left with is that I'm not qualified to deal with her problems and it seems like historically she expects me to 'fix' her? It's not fair to ask that of a friend. Being a soundboard is one thing but this is beyond my capacity. She has completely neglected to factor in my feelings when it comes to sending back a whiny text about how my decision affects HER not even giving any attention to what I initially said which was that I WAS tired and didn't feel like going out (probably to drink:rolleyes:). I am at a point where I am just tired. I'm tired of dealing with the drama, the selfishness, the passive aggressive digs and the emotional roller coaster that goes with it all. I really thought since I moved away she would get better but as soon as I get home it's like someone just hit the "pause" button and she starts back to the old antics. We have been friends for over 20 years now. As I mentioned things in my life have been a bit rough in the last 6 months and I would like to have more positive people in my life. When I am around her there is so much negativity unless alcohol is involved, only then are things fun and light. Obviously she has developed a drinking problem and I am having such a hard time with my own issues right now I don't want to take on hers too. I feel a bit selfish. I have met some new friends recently who are not 'downers' and I enjoy it. In fact one of my newest friends has a friend much like the one I am telling you all about and she opted to stop being friends with this negative person. This hasn't been the sole reason I have chosen to take a long hard look at the value of my friendship with my difficult friend, that has been brewing for years.

I apologize for turning this into a book but I like some input into how to separate myself from this person?

[Crankin]

You are not doing her any favors if you play into this. Especially with the drinking. Getting your brother involved really was a good idea. But, people with substance issues need to be ready to change. It sounds like she's not ready. She sounds like a classic "user," i.e. manipulative and selfish. There's always underlying mental health issues for someone who uses any substance, but you don't need to be around to fix it. You can't.
I stopped all contact with my aunt, and hence my cousins, because of her mental health issues and her racism. I did it cold turkey. It's sad that it's my mother's sister, but then I think about the way she acted; I don't need that. I only want to be around positive people who don't suck the life out of me.

[Irulan]

input into how to separate myself from this person?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[Jen12]

Winding Road, it sounds as if this person needs some help that you can't give her. I think if you truly want to separate yourself from her, you have two choices. You can either do it bit by bit and just not be available to her as often as you usually are or you can just not talk to her at all for a while. Either way, it's going to hurt both of you. I feel for you.

The friend thing in general can be nuts. I had a friend who, almost a year ago, completely attacked me out of nowhere, accusing me of wanting to end our friendship. She dissected an entire weekend trip and made everything I said and did be about her. She took the most innocuous stuff, like me not wanting to sit in the sun all afternoon, as a personal attack on her. She laid all of this on me via email and when I said she was being unreasonable (yes, an error on my part) she told me that I was the unreasonable one and she had more important things to do than talk to me. It was a bizzarre, bizarre exchange. Since then I've barely seen or heard from her. When we're with mutual friends she's syrupy sweet, but every time I've tried to invite her to hang out, she comes up with a reason not to, although she claims she's completely forgotten about being upset with me.

So...some people just go off the deep end. We wish there was some way to handle it, but I'm beginning to think it's better to back off and save yourself, as harsh as that sounds.