Eating disorders?

[sunrise]

I apologize if this is not the correct area for the topic -- I wasn't quite sure where to post, but could really use some advice from fellow cyclists!

I have had an eating disorder for most of my life, and I found cycling really helped me to become more healthy with my attitude towards eating and exercising. I remember feeling such relief last year, as it I felt like I had finally found a sport where my weight wasn't constantly in the spotlight. I had a great time riding and racing all season with my teammates, and I just loved riding my bike. My doctors were happy with my weight, attitude, etc., and it seemed to have a very positive influence on my recovery.

Near the end of the season, I attended a training camp. I did pretty well and got a lot of compliments, but after we were weighed, one of the coaches started to lecture me about my weight. He suggested I check with my doctor, as I might have a thyroid problem, because I was "pretty chubby." Some other nonsense too, about needing to be more careful about what I ate, so that I didn't end up obese! Granted, I was significantly heavier than the others there, but not noticeably bigger in size. I checked with my doctors when I came home, and they assured me my weight is perfectly healthy, my thyroid functioning is fine, etc.

Since hearing those comments, however, I have been in a tailspin. I've lost about 30 pounds, and I am feeling as if I can't allow myself to gain back to my natural weight. Almost all of my friends are cyclists now, and they keep complimenting me on the weight loss. Everybody seems to think that I will do so much better at this weight, and I have to agree -- climbing hills is a lot easier now.

But, I don't feel like this is healthy at all. I don't like the pressure to stay at a certain weight. I have had enough of that to last a lifetime, and it really bothers me to be immersed again in a community obsessed with being as light as possible.

I am considering not racing this year, but am unsure if this is the right decision. I worry that maybe it's just nerves (first race of the season is coming up soon!) and I'm scared of not being able to meet the increased expectations. I worry about losing all of my friends -- the entire racing community here is amazing, and I would hate to lose the friendships I have built. I also have worked pretty hard this winter to do well, and wonder if racing a bit might help me to get motivated again to eat well.

I am just feeling very confused about this all. I am wondering if any of you have had similar experiences? How have you managed to stay healthy? Should I switch to recreational riding only? Not ride at all? Keep racing?

[redrhodie]

(((sunrise)))

I struggled with weight issues for much of my life, and I finally found a good healthy place due to cycling, so I know where you were and now are, and I know how harmful a comment like the one from that coach can be. I had a ballet teacher call me chubby when I was a healthy 12 year old, and that was the beginning of my crazy journey to try to achieve a random, unhealthy # on a scale, that had nothing to do with how I felt. I never crossed the line, but at my lowest, I was poised over a toilet with a finger in my mouth, so I was close enough to bulimia to understand how you feel.

As you experienced, cycling can be great for body imagine, so it's sad that that's been taken away by an insensitive comment by someone who probably has a screwed up vision of what healthy is. But, I think it's a great sign that you're here and writing this. I think in your heart you know what you need to do, but you may need some counseling to help you get there.

I hope you can find the strength you need to get back to a healthy place.

ETA: I only ride for fun and commuting. I also don't own a full length mirror or dance anymore. I respect my triggers.

[shootingstar]

So all your cycling friends are only those that race?
It's doubtful that even if you left racing at any point in life, all those racing cycling friends would disappear if some are good regular friends, unless racing is the only focus for them.

I dunno. Don't worry about what others think. Do what you love to do.

Tell us a little more about yourself about cycling, other than just the weight issue.

And do you cycle just for commuting, travel, too? Doing other types of cycling will get you exposed to other cyclists who are strong cyclists but they don't race..and may not necessarily worry about weight for racing purposes. the world of cycling accommodates all kinds of people.

Wishing you inner peace and more enjoyable cycling, pressure-free.

[indysteel]

((((sunrise)))). I'm not sure what advice I can really give. Shame on that coach for talking to you about weight in that way. It's totally irresponsible. Of the female racers I know, few of them are what I would call thin. Most of them are exceedingly muscular, so putting all other issues aside, I'm not sure it was even "good" advice.

Have you worked at all with a therapist or nutritionist? Is there anybody on your team that you could confide in?

I'm typically of the belief that when we engage in addictive behaviors, then we have to remove ourselves from environments/people that trigger those behaviors. So, while I think you should continue to ride, I have to wonder whether doing it competitively--at least with your current team--is the best thing for you. Unless and until you can tolerate anybody in your circle pressuring you about weight, then it's no different from an alcoholic going to a bar and being unable to resist being offered a drink.

But that's a drastic decision, and I tend to think it's one that you should talk to a therapist about. If you would stop competing, I do hope you continue to ride, ideally with people who don't equate being fit and healthy with being thin.

[sunrise]

Wow!! Thank you all so much for the support. I am on my way out the door now, and feel absolutely horrible about not having time to write a proper response now, but hope to come back to this thread tonight. I really, really appreciate all of the honest and heartfelt comments each and every one of you have provided (both here and via PM!). What an amazing online community!

[Grog]

I have no experience to share (except that I have observed it's true that female racers tend to be quite muscular and not stick-people like many of the male racers I know).

But I did want to say "welcome to TE", "thank you" for the good thread you started (partly because I'm sure there are other people who read this forum who may not post but who will appreciate the discussion), and "looking forward to reading more from you." This is indeed a pretty special place on the internet.

[sunrise]

Back now :)

It has really helped me to see the advice here. Thank you!

I have been in outpatient treatment for a little over 3 years now. Over that time, I've had almost weekly therapy, nutrition, and/or medical appointments, which has helped me a lot. I just am not sure that I'm healthy enough to be back in a competitive environment again.

I think I will definitely look into building up my network of non-racing, cyclist friends. I don't have enough of them, for sure! I joined a racing team right after I started cycling, and almost all of my cycling friends do race. I commuted to work for a little bit, but then switched to working at home recently, so no longer do that. I've never traveled by bike, but I would like to... someday!

The odd thing with my situation now is that nobody (except maybe the coach I mentioned above) is explicitly saying that I need to lose weight. My teammates actually have a very healthy attitude about food, exercise, weight, etc. It's just in talking to people here in the local racing community, that I notice the prevailing attitude of "lighter is always better." I feel like even when I mention that I am afraid I lost too muscle, or that I won't have enough energy to do well, the people I am talking to assure me that it doesn't matter because I'm lighter now.

The most frustrating part of this all for me is that I don't feel any stronger than I used to be! I used to be a fantastic sprinter and I had a lot of success on the track last season. But, now, I am afraid to see how I'll do. I feel like I've lost my identity, in a way, and I don't know my strengths anymore. I don't think that the weight loss will help at all with my upcoming races, and I am scared to find out. If I do end up doing well, I think I will feel like I need to be at this weight, or lose even more. If I don't end up doing well, I don't know how I will react. I imagine I'll feel more desperate and feel like I need to lose more weight (that's the messed up way that my mind seems to work!).

I think I need to spend a bit more time thinking about this all. I am not sure what my life would be like without racing. I certainly don't want to let my team down by not racing this season. On the other hand, I need to be able to fuel my body, and I feel like I might not be able to do that, if I continue to race.

[Susan]

Healthy weight and peoples views and comments about it are such a difficult issue.

This equation "lighter is always better" is something you can frequently hear in the biking community (and not only there), and while to some extend it may be true that you can climb better if you are lighter, of course it doesn't mean you should be at a weight that you don't feel comfortable with and that makes you feel weak - so like many things "people say" it's a half-truth that gets repeated (by people in the bike-community, in bike magazines, by doctors) without thinking too much.

Stupid comments about your weight in general is something you can't escape - NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT YOU ACTUALLY ARE (and with the wide range from "anorexic" to "fat" you can comment on anybodies weight if you want to).
A lot of people, even doctors, only take BMI as an indicator for the "right" weight without bothering if you are athletic or not or what body type you are.
Some people seem to just feel better about themselves if they can give you bad comments about your weight. A lot of people have a distorted view of "healthy" weight. Women in our society, not only in sports, are often considered chubby if they are at a perfectly healthy weight.

Other might just not know that they are doing harm to people that have eating disorders if they are commenting their weight in one way or the other (even when they really wanted to pay them a compliment). I guess your racing friends just wanted to calm you regarding your weightloss because they didn't know you were concerned about it because of your eating disorder - comments "meant good" can often do harm. If they are good friends, maybe you could tell them about this, so they are aware of the actual problem?

In general, and this is the most difficult part, if those comments are a trigger for your eating disorder you should be aware that there is sadly no environment where you won't at some point come across people that feel the need to comment about your weight or weight in general.
Easy to say, but eventually you need to be confident about your weight, because you judge it by the way you feel and not the way others feel about it. You seem to be well aware that you shouldn't have lost so much weight because you don't feel good about your body now. Trust yourself.

While sports often help with building confidence and leading a healthy lifestyle, this doesn't necessarily apply to competitive sports.
Racing seems to put a lot of pressure on you atm. I understand that you don't want to let your team down, but from what you wrote you will feel bad in the end, no matter how you do in your races. So you can't win, can you? Doesn't sound healthy nor fun to me :)

[redrhodie]

If you're a natural sprinter, that should be your focus. Wouldn't it be silly if Mark Cavendish's coach suggested he lose weight to become a better climber? Even if he became a better climber (doubtful), he'd lose his real gift in the process. What kind of coach would suggest that? You were winning races. Your coach is nuts.

Food is energy. You wouldn't make a car to go faster by emptying the gas tank. You should be eating well. You saw this working already, and that's why you're doubting that this lighter weight/food restricting is right for you. Trust yourself. Treat your body as if it's a tool you want to last a long time.

You don't have any choice in what you've been given, but you can take good care of, and make the best of, what you have. That's your job. That means eating well, getting enough sleep, and avoiding as much stress as possible.

Edit: I just reread your OP, and I'm wondering if this coach even knew you, and knew you were successful at your natural weight?

[OakLeaf]

(((((sunrise)))))

I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. What an insensitive (and, if I may say so, poorly trained) coach. If I understand correctly though, this was not your coach - just someone at a camp you attended - so you never have to deal with him again? If I were you, I wouldn't put myself in a position to have contact with that person again, whatever it took.

I'm so glad you're continuing in treatment - as you know, this is a long road to recovery, with peaks and valleys. I hope that you are working with at least one professional who's an athlete or who's trained in the needs of athletes.

Bicycle racing can be hard on the psyche. I'm not saying you shouldn't continue - only you, hopefully with the help of your therapist, know the answer to that question - but perhaps a switch to, say, triathlon or duathlon might be healthier for you.

Red has good advice. One of the precious lessons you're learning is to listen to and trust your body. Don't let some @zzh0le shout down those fragile messages.

And welcome to TE. :)

[Triskeliongirl]

In retrospect, I think you should have taken this coach aside and explained your issues with eating disorders, etc. Or perhaps even before enrolling in the program made sure the staff understood that your weight was not open for discussion. BTW, performance on the bike is not just 'lighter is better' its about the power to mass ratio. If you are already lean and continue to lose weight you will lose muscle, which will negatively impact that ratio. You said you recently lost 30 pounds and don't feel good at this weight. So, why don't you first try to be sure you don't lose anymore weight (perhaps using your counselors that help you with your ED as a resource), and then work on gaining some muscle (here you may need coaches to guide you).

I don't think you need to stop cycling, or even racing, just be sure that whoever is involved in your training understands the whole picture.

And welcome to TE!

[sunrise]

The comments here have been extremely helpful to me already. Thank you all!

The reminder that people will comment on my weight, no matter what, is something I really needed to hear, I think. It's not right, and, really, people should mind their own business, but it happens. It's something I'll have to deal with whether I am racing my bike, or just going about my everyday life. There's bound to be comments, and it's probably not possible for me to avoid them completely. But, it is possible for me to change how I react to them, and, in particular, how much I let them affect my life.

After reading the responses here, I am considering writing a letter to the camp director, or possibly the organizing body that runs these camps. I don't think I'm courageous enough to include my own story, but I think the way that the weigh-ins were run could be potentially damaging to others at camp too. I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?

I have a bunch more thoughts, but a meeting to run off to now (starts in 4 minutes!). I hope to come back to this thread later this afternoon or tonight. Thanks again for all of the support, encouragement, and advice!

[redrhodie]

The comments here have been extremely helpful to me already. Thank you all!

The reminder that people will comment on my weight, no matter what, is something I really needed to hear, I think. It's not right, and, really, people should mind their own business, but it happens. It's something I'll have to deal with whether I am racing my bike, or just going about my everyday life. There's bound to be comments, and it's probably not possible for me to avoid them completely. But, it is possible for me to change how I react to them, and, in particular, how much I let them affect my life.

After reading the responses here, I am considering writing a letter to the camp director, or possibly the organizing body that runs these camps. I don't think I'm courageous enough to include my own story, but I think the way that the weigh-ins were run could be potentially damaging to others at camp too. I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?


This brings back memories! My ballet teacher got the brilliant idea to weigh each of us in front of the class. How awful is that!? In my case, no one from my dance class went to school with me, so even though it (getting on a the scale) caused huge anxiety, I got on, thinking, at least it would be contained to this place. Wrong! One of the girls was the cousin of a girl in my class. I went to school the next day, and she announced my weight (I was over 100 lbs. Everyone else was under 100) to everyone. It was humiliating. I never told my mother that was the reason I wanted to (and did) quit ballet. In hindsight, it was a great decision, since even trying to get back into it for fun as an adult was harmful to my body image. I can't imagine what I'd feel like if I kept at it through puberty (did you see "the Black Swan"!).

I think writing the letter would be cathartic. Probably if this guy knew what you've gone through from what was probably an off the cuff remark would be an eye opener to him, and may help some other women. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know he was in dangerous territory, and had not meant you needed to lose 30 lbs.

[OakLeaf]

I think eating disorders are extremely common among women athletes, and because of that, the coach's comments and methods are simply inexcusable.

"Weight" per se is nearly irrelevant in a sport that isn't divided into weight classes, anyway. Did they measure your body composition? Do any measurements of power-to-weight ratio or upper vs. lower body strength?

I think it would be great for you to write the camp, with or without personal information. I don't think you're being over-sensitive in the slightest.

[redrhodie]

I think eating disorders are extremely common among women athletes, and because of that, the coach's comments and methods are simply inexcusable.


Yeah, you're right. He should have known better.

[Triskeliongirl]

I just picked up on something in your last post, which is that you are a teenager. A teenager, battling an eating disorder. I believe the way the camp acted is inexcusable, and that not only should you write a letter, but your parents should as well. At this age, we should be encouraging a positive body image in our youth, and not promoting eating disorders. You might also suggest that what they should really be measuring is performance. So, if this camp is about helping young athletes improve their performance, you need both halves of the equation, weight, but also power, to know what to be recommending that needs to be improved. I would also think that body composition analysis is important (percentage of body fat) if recommendations concerning weight (i.e. fat) loss are going to be made. Furthermore, within cycling there are certain specializations such as climbing that require a light body, but then others such as sprinting for which a heavier body can be an advantange (and which you noted you are good at), so it seems they should also be working with you to identify what specialization suits your natural body type best. And lastly, this should all be done in PRIVATE.

[shootingstar]

After reading the responses here, I am considering writing a letter to the camp director, or possibly the organizing body that runs these camps. I don't think I'm courageous enough to include my own story, but I think the way that the weigh-ins were run could be potentially damaging to others at camp too. I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?

Just curious, how old are you?

Maybe someone else here who has gone to these training race camps, if the practice of weigh-in for female riders is common?

Is this a regular practice for men who race and train?

Is the weigh-in just for assigning partially racing category? (I know there is a racing competency pre-qualification.)

[Susan]

I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?


I don't think you are being over-sensitive.
I think such behavior can do great damage to teenagers or even grown-up women and most important: it doesn't help anybody. No one except you and maybe your doctor need to know about your weight, so how is weighting in in front of others and posting a list of weights supposed to help anybody?

I still cringe at the thought of some weight-in occasions in my teenage years.

[Triskeliongirl]

What this reminds me of, as a teenager, was being given different color swim suits to wear for swim class depending on bust size. I remember the boys suits were all red, but the girls suits were navy blue>royal blue>aquamarine. On top of that they were so thin they were totally see through. i wonder if they still do stuff like that?

And no, I do not think you are being overly sensitive. I think you are right. Your weight should be kept private, and a coach should not be telling a young women with an eating disorder that she needs to lose weight.

[sunrise]

Thank you all for the help, support, and advice here. I really appreciate it.

I had my first race of the season this morning and did worse than I ever have before. I had a feeling I would do poorly -- I have had little motivation and/or energy to train lately, but everybody kept telling me I looked "great," stronger than I ever had before, etc., and I guess I just wanted to believe them.

I did not feel "great", strong, anything positive at all. I came very close to dropping out, and it took all I could to not cry as I (eventually) crossed the finish line. I didn't even finish with the peloton and that alone time during the race was absolutely miserable.

I couldn't stop thinking that I did this all to myself, knowing full-well that it wouldn't improve anything. I have been down this path before. I know that I can't expect to do well if I don't provide my body the fuel it needs. But, I can't seem to actually comprehend it because I am still so stuck on the weight loss -- I can't believe I can be 30 pounds lighter and still be slower.

I am frustrated. Disappointed. After my experience this morning, it's very clear to me that I'm not in any shape to race right now. It's not something I was completely oblivious to, but I don't think I fully believed it. Now, after the undeniable evidence this morning, I am finally starting to accept it.

I think I'm going to try taking a bit of time off from racing. I will likely write the letter (anonymously, or non-anonymously, I haven't decided yet). I may switch up my treatment here -- I will be able to afford more, if I am not spending that money on training/race expenses. I think I'll look into some recreational cycling opportunities too.

[redrhodie]

(((sunrise))) I'm sorry about your race, but at least you learned from it, confirmed some suspicions. You're a strong person. You're going to get through this. Take some time to get back to a healthy place, then see if you want to race. You need to nurture that mojo back.

Remember that food is energy. It's like gassing up the car. I remember that taking zinc helped me when I was having the hardest time eating (I had signs of deficiency, including loss of appetite, and loss of taste and smell, which contributed to not being able to make myself eat). I eat a lot of dairy and nuts now, but back then I took it in lozenge form, since I wasn't eating enough to get enough from food.

The other day in my lbs, I ran into a guy I know who races. I mentioned to him that he looked really skinny, and he thanked me. The thing is, I didn't mean it as a compliment. I thought he looked too skinny. He assumed I meant he looked good. He really didn't. At that point, I thought correcting him would be insulting. Ugh. Now I'm hoping I haven't made him think he should lose even more weight. It's such a weird thing to comment on someone's weight. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but it was a little shocking to see him look that thin, and it just came out. I have one of those mouths that always has a foot in it. :rolleyes:

[Susan]

Hey Sunrise, I understand that you feel disappointed, but maybe you can also see it from a different perspective. In the end, isn't it a good thing that it doesn't make sense to be too skinny and that you do better performance-wise when you actually feel better? That way you can feel good and know that your body feels and performs better too. It would be really concerning if you could just drop 30 pounds of your body and still be as strong or even stronger than before. Your body is a beautiful machine, it's not built with such masses of empty "excess" weight that you can just drop without consequences, wouldn't make sense, would it :)
As disappointing as the race may have been, now you know you can trust yourself and should have done that in the first place - that's a good thing.
Feel hugged, be good to yourself, things will get better :)

[Dogmama]

"Weight" per se is nearly irrelevant in a sport that isn't divided into weight classes, anyway. Did they measure your body composition? Do any measurements of power-to-weight ratio or upper vs. lower body strength?



+++1. Body composition is important. Muscle weighs more than fat. Weighing athletes is stupid, IMO (especially young women prone to eating disorders.) You can have "skinny fat" people who come in at a whisper of weight & don't have the muscle mass, or energy, to make it up a 1 mile 2% grade. Honestly, the women who routinely kick my butt are bigger than me. They have larger gluteal and quadriceps muscles that makes them power up hills like a rocket. In a "weigh in" I imagine they're a good 30 pounds more than me.

Check out Nancy Clark's Sports Nutrition books. I thought I knew everything about fueling for peak performance but I learned quite a bit. She talks about eating disorders, how to eat to lose weight yet still have energy to exercise. I was glad that she addressed the myth about not eating before cardio to lose weight. You can pick up her book at Amazon & it is available on kindle.

[jelee1311]

Sunrise. Welcome to TE I'm sorry I missed this post until now. I've had eating disorders most of my life(started when ii was 9 & I'm 40 now)so I understand the siren song of people complimenting on weightloss.I'm in recovery now but I really have to work on not falling into old routines. The positive side to cycling is that it makes me healthy and strong I have a good support system and as hard as it may be to believe weight and food don't rule my life. Weight can be an issue to anyone with eating disorders no matter what sport,but I have seen the weight thing with my husband who is a stage racer and its kind of scary. You can never be too skinny for some people but I think its that way in a lot of elite level athletics. Its all about your life and making healthy choices for you. I hope you continue to get counseling and support because its important. Be good to yourself.

[NbyNW]

Just wanted to chime in with some support and say that I admire your courage in starting this thread.

The relationship of sports psychology, eating disorders and sports nutrition is one that needs to get more attention.

If you are a teenager, your body is still developing. That means your ideal weight and other stats related to your performance is also still developing. No coach and no amount of sports science can say for sure where you will perform the best, especially if you intend to compete in this sport for a long time. Yes, there are guidelines, but you also need to trust your own intuition.

I've been through the experience of unintentially losing muscle -- due to extreme stress -- and it can definitely take a lot of time and deliberate work to regain that muscle and be in a good place.

Be strong, and be good to yourself!

[shootingstar]

Sunrise, go for some great rides on your own to enjoy. Not sure if you ride alone much, but it can be a great soother. Choose your favourite route and do it over and over. Until you get naturally at your own pace, better.

Keep a cycling diary or blog.

To heck with the rest of the world.

[sunrise]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this thread here. I really appreciate the support and had previously typed up a long reply, but ended up accidentally deleting it. Argh!

I haven't been on my bike in over a week. It was really strange at first, and this Saturday was very hard for me because I skipped a race I had been looking forward to all winter. I did well there last year, and I honestly think I could have done really well if I would have taken better care of my body this winter. But, I didn't. I stayed at home, instead, and tried to stay busy. I ended up cooking (and freezing!) at least 5-6 different meals, so I should be set for a long time now.

I am finally about ready to head out for a ride here soon, I think. I'm actually looking forward to it now, and I think it will be a good warm-up for my soccer game tonight. I love the idea of a cycling diary (or a blog!) and hope that I can get back to riding for fun again, without any pressure to go faster, be lighter, etc.

I also really appreciate the help in reframing my disappointments about last weekend's race. Thank you so much for helping me to see that I really can trust my body to settle at the weight it's healthiest at -- I certainly didn't seem to improve things much by losing the weight in the manner I did. Lesson learned for good this time, I hope!

[redrhodie]

I just came across this article http://cycleandstyle.com/2011/03/the-cyclist’s-kitchen-when-food-has-too-much-power-over-you/ by Nancy Clark on the "Cycle and Style" web magazine. I thought you'd find it interesting.

[sunrise]

Thank you so much for that article, redrhodie! I thought it was great!! I have a few of Nancy Clark's nutrition books, and my nutritionist actually knows her pretty well too, so I think that helped me to "trust" the advice in the article a little more. I have bookmarked the article, and may go back to read again (hopefully more of the info. will soak in when it is not 3am ;))

My miserable race seems to have been a real turning point for me, and I've had the best eating this past week that I've had in probably a good 6 months now. I also haven't weighed myself in a week, which has been incredibly difficult. I was doing okay with it all until tonight... hoping that I'll have a better attitude when I wake up tomorrow (and the article helped a bit already too!).

I actually think I might be able to race this weekend -- from a physiological perspective, my glycogen stores are likely much better stocked than they were before, and I think my electrolytes are better balanced too. But, mentally, I just don't know that I have it in me...my training has been pretty much non-existent and I don't have any motivation to do much at all lately. Clearly, my mental toughness "skills" leave a lot to be desired...

[KnottedYet]

But, mentally, I just don't know that I have it in me...my training has been pretty much non-existent and I don't have any motivation to do much at all lately. Clearly, my mental toughness "skills" leave a lot to be desired...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your "mental toughness"!

In fact, I'd praise your lack of motivation: your body sent you a clear signal that things are not going so well, and you held back.

That is what is supposed to happen!

[Crankin]

+ a million to what Knott said.
Go take a fun, slow ride. Smell the roses.
I am not a racer, but I've been hurt enough times because I "thought" I was OK to do something, when I wasn't. It's the reason my season is starting out with some very short rides.

[SheFly]

I'm just reading this thread now for the first time, and will admit to being irate. Not irate at you, but irate FOR you. I am a racer, and have been racing for a number of years. I am 5'10", and currently weigh 160 lbs. That is 10lbs over my usual racing weight.

I tell you this because I AM NOT SKINNY, NOR SMALL, and am still successful as a racer! True - I don't go uphill as fast as some, but I always get there. There are, however, things I do better - sprinting and time trials are two.

As a racer, I will also tell you that motivation and self-doubt are common - regardless of weight or body composition. Adding a struggle with an eating disorder would certain exacerbate those, and I applaud you for what you HAVE done, and who you ARE.

As a racer, your weight is NO ONE ELSE'S business but your own. that coach had no right to weigh you unless he were also measuring your power output. And his comments make flames come out my ears. How dare he! A letter to the camps is most certainly justified.

I love to hear that people are excited to race. I encourage women to race. I love to share MY passion with others. Your weight and body type is irrelevant. And as others have said, while some body types are better suited to climbing, others, like me, are better suited to other aspects of the sport.

Hang in there. Know that other racers are welcoming to you. Write your letter, and get yourself to a good mental place.

SheFly

[sunrise]

I just wanted to let you all know that I went on an easy ride today and it was AWESOME!! :D I had a tough time getting myself out the door, but I am sooo glad I finally did.

It was an absolutely beautiful day (a tad chilly, but the sun was shining!), and I just felt completely at peace. I often find that I get into a bit of a meditative state when I'm on my bike -- not sure how to describe it, really, but it helps me to calm down and really relax. Other sports help with my anxiety, as well, but none of them help nearly as much as cycling does. I am very glad that I had so many people encourage me to ride for fun again -- I think I was very close to quitting entirely.

Thanks also for the comments with regard to my decisions about racing. I think a huge part of my enjoyment today was related to the fact that I was back out there, just "riding for fun" again. I didn't have my powermeter (am actually thinking of selling it!) and really enjoyed being able to do whatever I felt like, without worrying about hitting certain numbers.

I've also thought a lot recently about the coach's comments recently and realized I'm not really upset anymore. I can see that his comments alone didn't cause me to relapse and I think that even I probably would have been fine if I had not experienced so many other stressors this winter. I also think I need to accept a fair amount of the responsibility here too because I could very well have chosen a different path/reaction to many events this past winter, and it was my own decisions and actions that got me where I am now.

With that said, however, I do think it's important to let the camp director know about the comments that were made, and I hope that they might decide to do things a little differently this summer, with regard to the weigh-ins. It might seem like I'm completely over-reacting here, but I really think that's preferable, when compared with the alternative. If they're able to prevent just one teenager from developing disordered attitudes or behaviors around eating and/or exercise, as a result of changing a few things, then I think it would be well worth the (small, imho) effort.

I also have been thinking a lot recently about how weight was handled at previous selection camps I went to for another sport and found it interesting to compare to my experience last summer. Weight really mattered in the previous sport I competed in -- if you didn't make your weight, you didn't compete, end of story. But, never once were we told what to weigh by the coaches at camp (personal coaches, maybe, but not ones that didn't work with us regularly!). I don't know if it was because I was less chubby then, or because of a conscious decision somebody had made along the way to not focus on weight. I'll probably never know, but I definitely have a greater appreciation for the lack of weight-related comments at those camps now...

I also wanted to apologize if my comments here seem scrambled or hard to understand. I've tried to reply to the replies here as best as I can (I really appreciate them!), but am finding even the smallest cognitive tasks way more difficult now.