grief

[badger]

I decided to put this in the health issues section because, I guess, it's a health issue.

As some of you may know, my father passed away in November. He was a good, kind father when I was a little girl, but as I grew older, he became more distant to the point where by the time I was an adult, all we talked about was small talk (weather, gardening, etc).

For a good chunk of my adult life he was physically far away as well, living in another continent. Then my parents moved back about 5 years ago and we saw each other about once a week.

I'm not close with either of my parents (well, not with my brother, either), so I assumed that when my father died, I would be more or less "ok".

But lately I've been very unmotivated to do anything. I'd make lists to get myself focused, but I just can't concentrate on them. I'm down and mopey a lot, which I attributed to the northwest's dreary winter.

Some days, like today, I'm just sad for no reason. I would cry at the drop of a hat over small things, and berate myself for being so sensitive.

By chance, I met up with a woman who is a retired psychologist. I was seeing her for a completely different matter, but she zeroed in on my state of blah-ness. She said I'm underestimating the power of the loss of a parent. Regardless of the fact he may have been physically and or emotionally absent makes it worse because I'm mourning for something I wished.

Anyways, I'm just writing this mostly to let it out, as apparently I've been holding it in. Grief is a complex thing, and I shouldn't think that I'm "over" it simply because we weren't close.

I know something isn't right, I just feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. Like my feelings are blunted and I can't get excited about anything.

I called a grief counselor.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((badger)))))))

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Hope you start to feel better soon.

[emily_in_nc]

For me, losing my dad was the hardest thing I've had to go through in life. Much harder than losing beloved grandparents, friends, dear pets, even miscarrying my one and only IVF pregnancy after years of struggling with infertility.

My dad had his faults, and we had fought hard over the years, during my parents' divorce and after, but had become friends as adults. I had huge admiration for him and his accomplishments, even though I still had some resentment over things that happened after he and my mom divorced and after he married his second wife. But no one looked at me like he did. I could always see the love in his eyes. I was always his only daughter, and I knew that meant something to him.

It took me months to stop crying after his death. He died suddenly (in a car accident), so I had no closure and was both angry and grief-stricken at the same time. I never imagined how difficult it would be to lose him, even though I only saw him a few times a year. I didn't go to counseling, but I did read a lot of grief books. Mostly, it just took time - way more time than I imagined. I didn't get back on my bike for over eight months after he died, and I had no desire to do anything social for about the same amount of time. It's been 5 years now, and I am much, much better, but I still miss him like crazy and guess I always will.

Good luck to you, badger. Time is your best friend now.

[sgtiger]

(((badger)))

I'm sorry for loss. It's courageous to share your grief and to seek out help when you need it.

I too was once close to my dad, but am not now. I'm struggling to build a new relationship with him, but it's difficult because he keeps us, his kids, at arms length. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him before I had the chance to do that.

[PamNY]

I'm glad you called a grief counselor. For me, grieving my parents was really unpredictable (and different for each parent).

Grief does what it does. It's almost like a disease that simply has to run its course.

I suggest taking care of yourself as well as you can, and reminding yourself that it takes time. Good luck to you.

Pam

[Tri Girl]

hugs to you, Badger.
I can empathize with you, having been through a similar situation with my own father.

Everyone is right, it will take time. There are times, even 12 years later, that I'll suddenly cry over the smallest thing, then realize that small thing is somehow related to my father in some way.

I'm glad you've sought counseling. I wish I had been so brave as to have taken that step.
Thanks for sharing with us. Talking about it might just help you through your immense grief.

[channlluv]

{{{Badger}}}

I'm right there with you. My father passed away a year ago November, too, after fighting a two-year battle with cancer. I got to be at his bedside the last week of his life. He and I weren't especially close, either. He and my mother divorced when I was very young, and their relationship was acrimonious at best.

He was in and out of my life. He did get to meet my husband, and he gave my daughter guitar lessons while he was still able to play. The last week, she played for him. He smiled.

A few days ago, as I was driving to meet a friend for a bike ride, I was approaching a red light and out of nowhere, I heard him call me. "Hey, Babe!" I heard his voice. It jolted me so bad I started crying.

It will take time. Give yourself space to grieve.

Much love.

Roxy

[shootingstar]

Wow, channelluv and sad. That would be a real heart-puller there.

Badger I know. {{{hugs}}}}
At this time, I haven't done a whole lot to deal with my sister's death..except for awhile I've been propelled forward to "live" --meaning living seems to now have an added dimension.

And for reasons, I cannot explain fully but now time and all of life's plans ahead feels shorter and more precious. Stuff I used to get really angry (like that manager who swears, etc. ,) it doesn't anger me as much anymore. I also have not slept well consistently. It is like paddling along trying gauge the ocean swells ahead, yet underneath there's the sea life happening at the same time.

I realize that I can never close the gap completely with the loss of my sister. Each family member is part of me. So I can't remove those parts of 'me' just because it makes me sad. I can only make the very best of the best that they gave to me.

It's sad when a family member exists now in one's memories and dreams. We can only hope to live our life well.

[sundial]

Regardless of the fact he may have been physically and or emotionally absent makes it worse because I'm mourning for something I wished.

(((((((Badger))))))))

Do you realize that you are mourning two losses? You are in the process of mourning a significant death and you will experience and ebb and flow to your healing process. Right now you may feel as if the tide went out and you are left standing on a beach with little pools of water that you can reflect on. When your healing process brings you to the place where you can overcome your guilt and anger, you will begin to heal. Take each day as it is and allow yourself to feel sudden showers as they come. You have nothing to apologize for when it does come and know that with each tear that is shed, you are a little closer to having closure. Talk with your grief counselor on the days that are too overwhelming. Sit outside under a quilt and let the sunshine fall on your cheek. Nature has a way of soothing a broken spirit. Ride a path and dedicate it to your dad. Laugh a little. Cry a lot. Sing a childhood song that can take you back to a time when all you had to care about was the ice cream dripping off the bottom of your cone. Write a letter to your dad and tuck it away in a very special place to read at a later date. Perhaps when the time comes you may want to bury it and with it, all your negative feelings.

As you travel down this path, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. ((((((gentle hug))))))

[bonnypriest]

I have slightly similar family junk. My father passed away a couple of years ago of lung cancer. We were VERY close when I was young, but after I got into adulthood, things certainly changed. Anyway...things happened over the years & hadn't talked to him for almost 3 years when I found out he had cancer. I was able to be with him for a few months & then he was gone. *fighting back tears* Anyway, I got to tell him how sorry I was & he was conherent enough to apologize as well. In the end, we both knew that we loved each other. I still regret being so hard headed (he was too). *ok...crying now* I still to this day wish I could have been there through the years that I missed. He missed mine as well. I found out after he passed that he talked about me a lot & kept pictures of me, letters from me, etc. If I would have only known. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we weren't all that close, I still loved him very much. I'm sure you feel very much the same way. So...I say, grieve (I certain did & still do from time to time), but don't be down for too long. I don't think your dad would really want it that way. Just always remember that the way he was raised or things that happened to him in his past could have made him the man he was. Love him for the good memories. :)

[shootingstar]

I was abit stunned a few wks. ago, the guy who sits just across me in his work cubicle told me about his mother's last few months after she was diagnosed with leukemia before she died earlier last year.

He knew my sister had died just as a few employees also knew before I started with this new employer....the death caused me to request for change to delay work start date because I greatly needed time and space.

We spent lunch hr. in earshot of several other employees, talking about his mother at our desks. He told me how his family didn't hug, etc....I mean this is a guy who is merely a distant work acquaintance.

Best to describe "closeness" with my sister: she was 1 yr. younger than I. Therefore we shared the unintended position of elder siblings to look after younger ones, plus other things.

[badger]

thank you for your kindness, everyone.

One thing I learned about death is that everyone grieves differently. Even when going through the funeral process, we all had different ideas and beliefs. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just that everyone goes through it.

One of the reasons why I was reluctant to think that I was grieving was that I wasn't really thinking about my dad or anything related to his death. There will be huge chunks of the day or even a whole day that will go by that I don't think about him or his passing. That's why I'm surprised how much I seem to be affected on a subconscious level.

The grief counselor hasn't called back. Guess it's plan B using work's counselor who's a bit of a dink, but he's free.

[zoom-zoom]

It's good that you are going to talk to someone about this. I have a dear friend who is barely 38 and has already lost both of her parents. It's been such a struggle for her. I don't know that she's sought any professional counseling and I wish she would, but she's stubborn. I see her struggle, though...and it breaks my heart that I am not equipped to help her. I hope that time will at least heal her.

You, too. I know it will, but maybe a bit faster because you are open to let someone help. I hope it does.

[lph]

(((badger)))

I've learnt a few things from losing both close and not so close family members.

Losing the not-so-close ones can feel harder and more unsettling, because the relationship was maybe more unbalanced, more unsatisfactory or had conflicts. I was confronted with not only regret and many unsaid things, but also in a sense I was confronted with the fact that that is the way that particular relationship would "stay", for all time. There was no going back, and no going forward either. I also felt confronted by myself, as if I had to accept that the way I had behaved towards this particular person was defined as "me" forever. We behave differently to different people, and we like some "me's" more than others, but these "me's" also usually change with time. And this wasn't even a person I had had strong conflicts with either. I was also mourning the loss of a relationship we never had, but could have had.

Losing a closer member was actually easier, because we had an uncomplicated, loving relationship and I could just grieve for that loss in a straightforward way.

Write out your feelings, if that helps. Sudden insights may pay a visit :)

[AnnieBikes]

{{Badger}}

For once in my life, I can say that I understand completely. My dad passed away last Friday, very suddenly. He was 90 but in great health and had been taking care of my mom. I heard he had been taken to the hospital, very ill, from my brother and I raced up there (7 hour drive) and got there 1.5 hours after his death. Two of my brothers waited for me at the hospital, and with my dad, so I could see him. It has been the most difficult ten days of my life.

All the comments made by everyone in this thread have really made me think and I thank you all for them, even though meant for someone else. I can really relate. I cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems sad in my life. I can't seem to focus on anything. I know, it has been a short time, but wow, I was not expecting this.

Thanks for your help.

[OakLeaf]

Oh, Annie, hugs to you too.

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

[Biciclista]

{{Badger}}

For once in my life, I can say that I understand completely. My dad passed away last Friday, very suddenly. He was 90 but in great health and had been taking care of my mom. I heard he had been taken to the hospital, very ill, from my brother and I raced up there (7 hour drive) and got there 1.5 hours after his death. Two of my brothers waited for me at the hospital, and with my dad, so I could see him. It has been the most difficult ten days of my life.

All the comments made by everyone in this thread have really made me think and I thank you all for them, even though meant for someone else. I can really relate. I cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems sad in my life. I can't seem to focus on anything. I know, it has been a short time, but wow, I was not expecting this.

Thanks for your help.
same for me. And my father died almost 8 years ago. I see a lot of really good advice and wisdom here.

[PamNY]

AnnieBikes, I am so sorry for your loss. All of your reactions sound normal to me. I wish you and your family peace.

Pam

[snapdragen]

I'm glad to know my reactions to my Dad's death are pretty normal. He passed away last Friday, 1 day after we brought him home. Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. I suddenly realize he's gone, and it doesn't seem real. Life is kind of a surreal swirl right now.

[badger]

oh geez, Annie and snap, I'm so sorry for your loss. Needless to say I know exactly how you feel. My dad died suddenly as well, we were just all shell-shocked. I, too, missed his death by about 20 minutes so I'm sure there are some feelings surrounding that, too.

Big huge hugs to both of you! take care, and PM me if you like. I'm sure we can all use a mutual shoulder to cry on!

[emily_in_nc]

Annie & Snapdragon,

You have my deepest sympathies. Your reactions are totally normal. I was a crying sobbing wreck in the early days (even months) after my dad died suddenly. I felt like I was in a fog, and I couldn't imagine all the happy people around me...it just seemed surreal. I felt like a completely different person from my "old self".

That feeling gradually lifted, and the crying jags lessened gradually over time. Five years later, I feel completely like myself again, whatever that is, but I am forever changed for having lost a parent. Even my DH doesn't really get it b/c he still has both of his parents, and I hate that he will have to go through this one of these days. I do still have my mom, thank goodness.

I had a terrible time sleeping in those first few months and finally went to my doctor for a sleeping pill Rx. I took Lunesta, and it really did help greatly, as I would just lie in bed rehashing everything, imagining the accident, and practically end up in a panic attack without it. So, that is is something to consider if you are obsessing at night. That was the time my thoughts would take over completely, without the distractions of the day.

Huge hugs to you both, and to badger too. May you all find peace in time, and joy in your memories of your dear fathers, as I have.

Emily

[lph]

Another minor insight I remember from the time I was struggling through this myself: part of the grief process was connected to a change in my self-image and perception of the world. My place in the family was changed, my role in regards to the others. The "story of my life" that had been true for over thirty years had changed, I could no longer tell it the same way. I tried. In my head everything was the same, but still it was untrue, at the same time. It felt like having a rug pulled out from under me, as if I had two warring realities trying to exist at the same time. Very unsettling. I mention it because I can imagine that losing a parent can have some of that role-change in it.

My deepest sympathies to all of you.

[Crankin]

Sympathy to all of you. Everyone has given excellent advice.
But reading all of this makes me think that there is something wrong with me. My first experience with the death of a close relative was when my uncle died suddenly at age 52 from a heart attack. I flew across the country for the funeral, which was all about supporting his family. After I came back, I had momements of crying for no reason, or just thinking about him (my aunt and uncle lived with us when I was a kid, for about 2 years). But, the busyness of life took over and it didn't last long.
When it was clear that my mom was going to die from a failed liver transplant, I prepared myself by mentally picturing the funeral and what it would be like when she was gone. Since she was positive during her illness (she even spent time in the hospital, teaching medical residents how to improve their bedside manner, as part of a special program), I decided to be positive. I had a few moments of sadness, but that was about it. I remember her the way she was... happy, active, and a great mother and grandmother.

[emily_in_nc]

Sympathy to all of you. Everyone has given excellent advice.
But reading all of this makes me think that there is something wrong with me. My first experience with the death of a close relative was when my uncle died suddenly at age 52 from a heart attack. I flew across the country for the funeral, which was all about supporting his family. After I came back, I had momements of crying for no reason, or just thinking about him (my aunt and uncle lived with us when I was a kid, for about 2 years). But, the busyness of life took over and it didn't last long.
When it was clear that my mom was going to die from a failed liver transplant, I prepared myself by mentally picturing the funeral and what it would be like when she was gone. Since she was positive during her illness (she even spent time in the hospital, teaching medical residents how to improve their bedside manner, as part of a special program), I decided to be positive. I had a few moments of sadness, but that was about it. I remember her the way she was... happy, active, and a great mother and grandmother.

I don't see anything wrong with your reactions at all. I can't imagine having the kind of grief over an uncle that I did with my dad. I love my uncles, but the relationship is hugely different in my mind and heart.

My experience with losing my maternal grandparents was also not very traumatic. They were both in their 90s, had lived long and good lives, and poor health had caused them to decline over time, to the point that it was almost a blessing when they no longer had to struggle. I grieved briefly for each of them, but again, it was nothing like how I felt when I lost my dad. I went to work the day I found out my grandmother died and flew down for the funeral a couple of days later. I shed a few tears here and there, but I had been losing her for several years, so by the time she died, I guess I had already processed it.

I think part of it for me was that I lost my dad entirely unexpectedly, in a car accident. If that had happened with your mom, you may have reacted very differently than you did. You had at least some time to pro-actively process your mother's passing, to imagine it. Like you say, you were even able to envision the funeral. You were also able to say whatever you needed to to her in the time you had left, I expect. That can help so much with gaining closure. I think that would make a HUGE difference.

For me too, I also think losing my father was harder than it's likely going to be to lose my mom. I love my mom dearly and we are great friends, but there is just something about that father-daughter bond that I find hard to articulate. Isn't a girl's "first love" her daddy? I felt that very profoundly when I lost him so suddenly.

He was 71, which may sound "old" to some, but since my grandparents had lived into their 90s, it still seemed too young to me. I guess I always imagined he'd be around much longer.

[shootingstar]

The "story of my life" that had been true for over thirty years had changed, I could no longer tell it the same way. I

So true, lph. I have rethink how many siblings I have then..and now when I talk to other people. I have to watch my own words. I actually pschologically feel a gap between myself and next existing sister in the birth order (#3), because #2 is no longer around.

I'm so sorry annie, snap for recent loss of loved parent.

[Crankin]

Emily, anyone who thinks 71 is "old" is not our age!
Everyone else in my family (both sides) lives to their 90s, so my mom's death at 67 was very unusual. But, you are right, the suddenness of your dad's death certainly made it much more difficult. That is why grieving over someone who has committed suicide is more difficult, even apart from the anger we feel at the person for leaving us in such a way.
My dad is almost 86 and has recently (including yesterday) had a series of medical procedures to clear up blocked arteries in various parts of his body. He is very active, and still works a few hours a week, but when I spoke to him on the phone at one point yesterday, he sounded frail. Then, when I talked to him later, he told me he was drugged up, so that explained it. But, it felt kind of strange. Since his mother died very naturally, at age 92, playing Bingo (yeah, that was a family joke for quite a while), I expect he will go the same way. But, you never know. I think when that happens, the problem I will have is the strangeness of not having my birth "family" anymore. My brother and I are 11 years apart and have not lived in the same city since 1979. We get along when we are together, but we just don't communicate that often. I often wonder if when my dad goes, if he will even call me anymore. He lives in the same city as my younger son, but doesn't even see him that often.
I don't think I was ever "Daddy's little girl," though. Maybe when I was very small and he used to take me out every Saturday, into the city when he got a haircut, did some business, and we went to lunch. I was angry at him for years for moving me away from my home when i was 15. In fact, we barely spoke for a year. Of course, I am over that, but I feel much more connected to my husband and kids.

[badger]

yeah, my dad turned 70 a month before he died, so 70's pretty darn young to go these days.

Crankin: as I've said in my earlier post, everyone deals with grief differently. Some grieve for a short time and move on, others take an inordinately long time. There's no way to grieve, they're as individual as the person who experience them.

One of the things that frightened me was that while I was an emotional wreck immediately after my father's death, I felt immensely guilty in thinking that I was devastated over my dog's death. Surely my father must mean more than my dog!?

I'm learning that's not the case, and that my father's death has/is affecting me in ways I didn't imagine, but with my dog, it was the first time I felt such a loss. He was very high maintenance and had plenty of health issues and I sometimes felt overwhelmed caring for him. I had a lot of issues of guilt over his death, how I felt I didn't treat him the best I could.

Whereas with my dad, he had his condition for 4 years so we all made extra efforts to see him as much as we can, and for that I don't have any regrets or guilt.

It's really just day to day and it's a work in progress. Some days I'm fine (like today), and others I'm not (like when I first posted this thread).

[ladyicon]

Badger. Even though you may feel this way you are not alone. My mom died in March and still I feel down. All you can do is say, it is what it is, and keep on living. I too have guilt feelings with not seeing my mom or dad enough. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....

[AnnieBikes]

Thank you all so much for all the comments and stories. I can definitely say that there was some good in the death. I got to spend a whole week with my four brothers and my three sons, as well as my mom, all of whom came to Maryland for the funeral. It was a time of stories, tears, laughter, and time together. That would never have happened otherwise. Thanks, Dad! We say that weddings and funerals are the things that get whole families together. Hey, boys, how 'bout a wedding!!!

[emily_in_nc]

Thank you all so much for all the comments and stories. I can definitely say that there was some good in the death. I got to spend a whole week with my four brothers and my three sons, as well as my mom, all of whom came to Maryland for the funeral. It was a time of stories, tears, laughter, and time together. That would never have happened otherwise. Thanks, Dad! We say that weddings and funerals are the things that get whole families together. Hey, boys, how 'bout a wedding!!!

Such a good point. The only silver lining in my father's death was how close it brought our family, and all the memories, stories, tears, and even laughs we all shared for a time. Five years later, we're pretty much back to the way we were before he died, but for awhile there, it was really nice to be closer, since we were all united in our loss and grief.

[shootingstar]

Within the last 24 hrs., 2 grief related stories from face-to-face people I know on an ongoing basis:

Story 1: This morning my manager asked / in fact, ordered a work colleague to take bereavement leave...she found that the employee's sister had died last week of pancreatic cancer. Yet the employee never told anyone at work until today.

I don't think she knew was entitled to bereavement leave. :(:eek: I was aware of her sister's long-term illness before Christmas and was able to "share" since my sister died recently. Her sister was in hospice care. I think she broke down at work, crying at her desk. I could hear her while manager was speaking with her. This employee is a bright and thoughtful engineer, quiet and religious.

I can't imagine anyone going back to work so soon after losing a sibling they got along with/was close. :(


Story 2: A good close friend of mine phoned long distance to wish me happy birthday (coming up soon) and chat. I found out that she had another close friend (from her workplace) who died suddenly of an accidental drug overdose a few years ago. I thought she might have told me...actually. She is the one who lost her sister to a drowing at 19 yrs. and her mother in car accident when her mother was in her late 50's.

I had no idea of people...bearing these burdens. But then, people at work don't know much about me, than the fact my sister died. Except I look tired some days.

At times the act of blogging with photos, reminds of how see to and express one's world in new and more precious light.

[emily_in_nc]

Just read an interesting article about grief from Time Magazine and thought I'd share it:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2042372-1,00.html

I found it interesting that the results w/ and w/o counseling were essentially the same overall. Time was what helped heal the most. I know I thought about seeking counseling after my father's death, or a grief group, but I ended up not. Instead I read books and talked to family members about it. And eventually, time did the trick.

[Crankin]

I thought the Time article was right on. I am definitely someone who did the "repressive coping," and it worked well for me.
I went to a grieving parents group, when my first child died the day after birth, from a severe birth defect. I had already cried plenty and talked the issue over and over with friends and family. Going to this group made me "snap out of it" really fast. There were people there whose child had died years ago... it scared me, because I did not want to be in that situation. Really, my friends were the greatest sense of support in that situation.

[shootingstar]

. In the 1970s, Freud's definition of grief as work became the guiding metaphor for modern grief theory. But a 60-person study conducted by the husband-and-wife research team Wolfgang and Margaret Stroebe of Utrecht University found that widows who avoided confronting their loss were not any more depressed than widows who "worked through" their grief. As to the importance of giving grief a voice, several other studies done by the Stroebes indicated that talking or writing about the death of a spouse did not help people adjust to that loss any better.

I'm the sort of person with major lifechanging events, would only talk in detail about how I felt, what happened etc. with people who have known me for many years but can offer friendly support without allowing me to become overly dependent. They know that in the end, I have to pick up myself off the floor. But they are around in my life. In the last few months, the closest friends have thoughtfully phoned me from afar, etc. to "check up" on me. Which I don't mind because we end up talking about alot of stuff... I don't expect them to psychologize me..I just want them to still accept me for whatever state I am in.

It helps enormously if a loved one who has died suddenly that one's final days with the person were happily spent together in appreciation of one another.

It also helps ALOT if one already has taken the opportunities over the years to make amends (even if not perfect) and most of the time has been positively spent when one sees the other person.

Today I just learned of another sudden still-young death of someone I knew : a local Vancouver cycling advocate. One of the editors for Momentum Magazine. :( It's just mind-boggling. No, it wasn't a bike accident. It is not clear but bronchitis accelerated and might have been combined with a long-term disease which he told no one. He was a skinny guy, always calm, eschewed fashion, regularily volunteered for low-profile cycling advocacy activities and roles.

By sheer coincidence I will be featuring more bike art in Vancouver which includes a simple piece that he did just last summer.

It is very North American to talk out every major problem, grief, menopause, divorce, etc.You name it.

I advocate a balance: talking only with the right people within a limited social circle for a defined time period about traumatic events, let time pass, sink in and drawing upon spiritual frameworks and activities that one loves to do that affirms life and its wonder.

I think the bigger complexities following a sudden death of a family member, is one's current relationships with other surviving family members. There tends to be a shift sometimes.

there are moments I feel sad..and it's usually in the evenings. And I just let it happen.

Thx, for this article reference, emily.

[snapdragen]

A friend sent me this link:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html

I haven't checked it out yet, but she said it helped her a lot when her father died.

[badger]

I went to see a counselor through work on Friday, and she just happens to be a "grief therapist". She pretty much said the same thing - time is the best healer.

I do think that my seeing a counselor will help me not with grief per se, but what grief is bringing up. Issues like why am I still stuck in a job I hate, why am I so afraid of taking chances, etc.

[malkin]

I do think that my seeing a counselor will help me not with grief per se, but what grief is bringing up. Issues like why am I still stuck in a job I hate, why am I so afraid of taking chances, etc.

That's the thing, really, to maintain some focus on being functional in the present.

I experienced a life-shattering loss in 2003. The feelings of grief come in waves. The frequency and amplitude of the waves change over time but the sea of grief surrounds me.

[snapdragen]

Dad's obituary was published today. I feel like I've spiraled down again.

[tulip]

(((((snap))))) It's okay to be sad.

[OakLeaf]

((((((snap)))))) It's a major reminder at a time when you were probably just beginning to have some fragile distance. Of course it brings your pain back to the forefront. Take good care.




Knowing that I haven't experienced a bereavement - losing pets is as close as I've come, and although some of them have been VERY hard, I know it's not the same as losing a parent, child, spouse or sibling - it seems to me that one thing that's being lost in this discussion is the difference between "complicated" and "uncomplicated" bereavement. Unlike, say, "sadness" vs. "depression," we don't have different words in English for these things.

Time is a great healer. But when someone isn't healing over time, then I do believe that it's important for them to seek help.

[badger]

Oak, I didn't want my last post to become a novel so I kept it short, but one of the things that I needed validating from an impartial third party is that sometimes a loss of a pet can be more difficult than losing a parent.

As I've stated in my original post, my father and I were not close when he died. One of the things that I'm working through right now is that I actually sometimes feel that it was much more difficult when I lost my dog. I felt so guilty, how could I be sadder losing my dog than my own father?!

While a parent is awfully important in one's life, as an adult, I didn't see him all that often. Not like as a child when I saw him almost daily (when he was't on business trips). Up until 5 years ago, I saw him maybe once a year, if that for about 10 years, and when they moved back, I saw him maybe 2-3 times a month for a few hours, whereas I saw my dog every day. My life revolved around his needs, so when he died, it left a HUGE gaping hole. I cried for months and I still cry over him sometimes. Losing my dad brought up the feelings of that loss, too.

****

Snapdragen: I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. If you want to pm me to vent or just ramble, feel free to do so. I certainly know how you feel.

[OakLeaf]

Badger, I didn't mean at all to invalidate your feelings. Having never lost a human family member I can't make a direct comparison, but I doubt the intensity of my grief could be any greater. I only meant that it's a different type of a relationship ... the way a pet is dependent on us makes it more like a child, but we know going into it that we're likely to outlive them, so we're far more prepared for the loss than parents who lose children.

It's been over three years since the last of my dogs died, and I don't feel the grief every day, but there are times I will still tear up over any of them. So yes, feel that loss, feel it as intensely as you do and never feel that it's wrong.

[badger]

oh no, Oak, there was no invalidation, in fact, I was actually validating your comment :)

I was having a bit of an issue feeling that perhaps I was more devastated by my dog's death than my father's. Not to say my dad's death didn't/hasn't affected me, because it does, but his seems to be more on a subconscious level. With my dog, my life literally did revolve around him as he was old and he had many health issues. So when he died, not only was it a visual reminder that he was gone (his bed put away, his leash hanging by the door, etc), but my whole routine was disrupted. It really left a big hole in my life.

Anyways, I think every death is different, as is the way we are affected by them. For the most part, you expect your parents to die before you, and also your pets. You're sort of "prepared", but you never really are, are you? One day they're there, and the next day they're gone. And you'll never see them again. It's quite profound.

[PamNY]

Badger, I had similar thoughts when my father died. Of course I loved him, and he was a good father, but our relationship had become more distant as he got older (old age was not the best part of his life, and I had to maintain some distance from his anger and criticism).

The extent to which our pets are entwined in our daily lives -- walking, feeding, playing -- is so great that the loss has a very immediate, wrenching quality. Also, pets are dependent on us in a way that adult family members usually aren't.