Unreasonable to want to move after wreck?

[Melalvai]

I hate, hate, hate the road in front of our house where the truck hit my daughter a month ago. (She's fine now--Monday was officially approved to resume all activities.) I don't like looking out the kitchen window and seeing that road. I've resumed bike commuting and the 1/4 mile of that road still makes me so nervous, especially coming home (we were on our way home at our driveway where it happened).

I love our house. We moved here in June and we are renting. We were hoping to stay here 3-4 years, until we have my husband's student loans paid off and have a down payment for a house saved up. Possibly the owners want to move back in earlier, which means we'd be moving after 2 years, but we're not sure about that.

I want to move when our lease is up. We haven't talked about it a lot yet, just enough so I know that my husband doesn't feel the same way. I wondered if my reaction is unreasonable?

[Bike Chick]

I don't think your reaction is unreasonable. Houses can have good or bad karma and can stir a lot of pleasant or unpleasant feelings. The accident is still a recent memory. You may feel differently in a couple of years. Here's hoping the future good memories in that house erase this bad one.

[tulip]

You might really benefit from counseling to help you deal with this incident. You obviously are still dealing with it, and you idea to just move seems like a way to run away instead of really tackling it. A counselor can really help with that.

It's turning into marital stife. Time to get some help. You may end up moving anyways, but you will more likely to make that decision after considering all the issues.

Best to you.

[lph]

No, you're no unreasonable at all to want to move! It's very natural. I wouldn't actually do so in a hurry, though. I'm quite certain that you're just experiencing a random projection of the accident to the road, and it will in time be "over-written" by other memories and feelings.

Similar story: after my brother died a few years ago while I was away from home, I had to spend hours trying to get hold of my mother on my mobile phone, to tell her. The sight of the phone made me feel physically sick after a few hours, and I dearly wanted to throw the awful thing away. I ordered a new one, but before it arrived I had received sympathy messages from lots of friends on it, and it was back to just being a phone. I still have it.

Hope you do have many overlayers of good and pleasant experiences to balance out this one terrifying one in time!

[OakLeaf]

(((((Mel)))))

I think the feeling is very natural, but I also agree with Tulip that it would help you to be talking with a professional.

Does your husband know how much the wreck is affecting you emotionally, apart from wanting to move?

I'm glad your daughter is feeling better physically (and I hope you're talking with each other about the emotional aftereffects - I expect she's having some too, and it would help her to know she's not alone).

Take good care.

[Crankin]

Melavai, please get some counseling. The urge to "run," is avoidance that will just stuff the memories, which means the incident hasn't been processed. While I don't necessarily disagree with moving from a place because it's not safe for cycling, there is another layer to this that you should consider.

[Melalvai]

Thanks for the responses. I've been thinking on it all week.

I guess I agree that the memory alone is not a strong enough reason to move, and I'm very encouraged to hear that it'll probably just be a road again to me some day. Today is not that day, someone honked at me at the same spot where the wreck occurred and I had a bad reaction whereas I normally shrug that kind of thing off.

The fact that the road is dangerous is definitely more of a consideration. There are a few things we dislike about the house (poor internet options, expensive propane heating), and I think this kind of tips the balance against all the thing we like about the house. I meant he doesn't feel the same way about the memories of the road, because (as he said) he didn't see it happen the way I did. I wouldn't call it marital strife...we have talked about it more extensively recently.

I did at one point start to look into talking to someone but I quickly got overwhelmed by the random names. I'd really have to ask someone I know to recommend someone, and, I don't know, I just don't feel like doing that yet. I would if I thought it was a problem, and I'm watchful all the time to see if it is. What makes me think it isn't is that I'm improving. For example driving around town was noticeably better after the vacation than before.

[Irulan]

Thanks for the responses. I've been thinking on it all week.

I guess I agree that the memory alone is not a strong enough reason to move, and I'm very encouraged to hear that it'll probably just be a road again to me some day. Today is not that day, someone honked at me at the same spot where the wreck occurred and I had a bad reaction whereas I normally shrug that kind of thing off.

The fact that the road is dangerous is definitely more of a consideration. There are a few things we dislike about the house (poor internet options, expensive propane heating), and I think this kind of tips the balance against all the thing we like about the house. I meant he doesn't feel the same way about the memories of the road, because (as he said) he didn't see it happen the way I did. I wouldn't call it marital strife...we have talked about it more extensively recently.

I did at one point start to look into talking to someone but I quickly got overwhelmed by the random names. I'd really have to ask someone I know to recommend someone, and, I don't know, I just don't feel like doing that yet. I would if I thought it was a problem, and I'm watchful all the time to see if it is. What makes me think it isn't is that I'm improving. For example driving around town was noticeably better after the vacation than before.


Your doc is always a good one to start with for a recommendation. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about in asking for professional help.

[malkin]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree that talking to a professional could help. Other things might also be useful.

After a serious car wreck we performed a 'cleansing ritual' on the replacement car. This is totally kookie, but also perfect in a way.

The car I totalled was less than a month old; I rolled it on a snowy road in the middle of nowhere; we could have all been killed, but we were physically (mostly) ok. Having seen me roll off the road, another driver, a doctor, stopped to render assistance, but his only comment was, "Thanks for wearing your seatbelts."

The replacement car was the same make, model and color. In the crash, one bottle of homebrew mead smashed and goldfish crackers flew all over the interior. As a blessing for the new car, we tossed goldfish over it, sprinkled it with mead, cried, said nice things to each other, and couldn't believe our luck, both good and bad.

Hokey as it may be, it really seemed to help me move past the wreck.

Try anything.
Best wishes as you move through these feelings.

[Melalvai]

We're looking at houses, in theory not because of the horrible road, but because when winter hit we discovered how expensive propane is and the joys of nearly running out of propane during a storm. But yesterday when we looked at a place that I had my heart set on and it turned out to be a bit small, I was devastated. The heat is a real issue for us, but it became clear to me that getting away from this road is a bigger deal than I wanted to think it was.

On the one hand I want our decisions to be logical. But maybe it's ok to have some emotional decisions too.

We're looking at another place this week, and we haven't yet ruled out the one that is a bit small.

[Koronin]

Just remember you have time to look. You do not have to settle for something that is not right. I understand you have a very emotional reason to want to move, but remember you don't have to take the first option out there. Make sure you will be happy with the house you choose. (The heat thing, IMO, is a very good reaon to move regardless of any other reason).

[OakLeaf]

Not at all suggesting that you don't move if you want to ... but if the price of propane is an issue, track it over several years compared to natural gas rather than just considering this winter. We've had propane since 1997. Some years gas is cheaper, other years it's higher.

And our propane company now lets us refill when we're down to 20%, instead of the 10% they used to require. Makes it much less likely that we'll run out when we don't have to cut it so close ... you might check yours, too.

[shootingstar]

If the road piece does feel dangerous....even before the accident, then it probably is.

Right now, I feel good that I'm moving 3 blocks to a different place from where I am now....I'm on a road that can get congested with fast cars, on a 4-lane one-way street. (stupid).

I'm moving to a quiet 2 way, 2-lane street just a few blocks away. Same neighbourhood because I like area.

[PscyclePath]

{{{Mel}}}

A long time ago there was a Polack story about this fellow who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of your home. So he moved to a new house 10 miles away ;-)

We all assume some level of risk every time we mount a bike and pedal out of the driveway. The real art of cycling is learning how to manage and control that risk, so that we get where we need to go and make it back home safely, whether by walking, by bike, or by car. And how we manage that is going to be different for each of us.

One year ago yesterday, I was hit from behind and knocked clear across an intersection by a drunk driver. While I know how it happened, what I'm not real sure about is how I escaped being seriously hurt. Either I'm just enough of a mountain-biking klutz to instinctively know how to fall off a bike unexpectedly, or maybe the Lord just reached down and picked me up off that saddle and set me down on the other side of the road. Probably a little bit of both, I guess...

I was sore as all get-out for a couple of weeks, but the following weekend I had contracted to teach a kids' class for the local Cub Scouts, and so I dragged out my mountain bike, jacked the saddle way up so that I could pedal without too much pain, and taught the class. The next day, I set out for the club's Sunday group ride, intending to pick back up where I left off. This involved a ride across downtown Little Rock to get to the ride start, and a little extra effort because the city's annual marathon had a lot of the streets blocked and traffic re-routed. In so short time, I had to stop and wait for a red light, and while standing there at the light, this big black SUV pulled right up behind me, with the lady driver yapping away on her cell phone. I had a little bit of a panic attack right there... to the point that I stepped off to the curb and sat down awhile while I got myself back under control. And for a long while, I got very nervous when someone was right behind me, or tail-gating me. And even now, I never go through that one intersection on my daily route without some thoughts about what happened there.

You've been there, too. The one piece of advice I can offer is that you won't forget what happened at that spot. Nor should you. But with a little practice, you'll learn to get by there and on to wherever you want to go. You will always be a little more careful at that place, and just about anywhere else that reminds you of it, but you will have learned to deal with that risk and cope with it.

TIme does heal all wounds, but there's no guarantee that there won't be a scar.

Best wishes,

Tom

[Melalvai]

Thanks everyone. It really helps hearing your stories.

Yesterday was really rough for me. I ended the day with a migraine and slept all evening and all night. So today I felt TONS better. Added on that, our landlord stopped by to talk to us, we haven't seen him in months, and he mentioned that he was glad our daughter is ok--I didn't know if he'd even heard about it, before that.

I don't know why that one little thing made a huge difference. It really took the road thing out of the equation for me. Now it's only about the heat.

I think I just needed the day of angst.

I just read the 2009 statistics. In Missouri, out of 828 traffic fatalities, only TWO of those were pedalcyclists. (Does "pedalcyclist" mean walk/ bike, or does it mean a cycle with pedals as opposed to a motorcycle?) That's a powerful statistic.

[Melalvai]

We have moved! A lot of things went into the final decision, including the cost of heating a place that was too big for us, the ridiculous internet situation, and the horrible road. It was ultimately a family decision but the day before we moved, when we walked into the house the first time since we viewed it, I could tell my husband was regretting it. I think it was mostly that closed-up house smell that bothered him. It seems so small, but the place we were in was really just too big for us.

Now that we are in it, we love it. The carpet really captured our hearts. It's an old 80's type of carpet, not shag by any means but longer than what is fashionable these days. It's not beautiful either. Why do we love the carpet? Because the cats love the carpet! We are such softies...

Our oldest cat, 17 yrs, had gotten bare patches last summer. The vet said it was cat OCD, and asked "Have you moved recently, or gotten a new pet?" "yes, and yes," we said. But now that I've seen her rolling around on this carpet, and being more active than she has been all year, we realize her stress was the tile floors in the other house. She rarely left our bed all year. Now she naps everywhere.

Our landlords are awesome. They are actually people I work with. I was a little nervous about having friends as landlords, but figured it was worth trying something different, start off friends instead of enemies! She came over one evening to explain all the plants in the yard to us. The mystery fruit--is a winter kiwi! It climbs up a beautiful arch-trellis that is the entrance to the backyard. I keep my bike in the shed, so I walk underneath it every day. They'll be ripe around July, I can't wait!

It even has a cat door. Our other 2 cats (who don't sleep ALL the time) spent about a week figuring out how to use it. At first we had to hold it open for them. Finally they started going through it on their own. We shut it at night.

It's closer to everything, my husband has even walked to the store a couple times with us. :)

[KnottedYet]

Excellent!

I'm glad you left the old place, it sounded like it had soured (in a big way).

Congratulations!

[Koronin]

Congrats! I understand what you mean about the cats. The place we spent the past year in was just too small, but it was what was available when we had to move. The cats were not happy there at all. Now that we got moved into a bigger place (we bought a house) the cats are so much happier.

[Biciclista]

congrats on the new house. I have cat requirements wherever I live. The last house we moved into (in 1987) is on a dead end. BOY is that good for cats. I might never ever move.
Good luck

[redrhodie]

Congratulations! It's so nice when the kitties like the new place, isn't it! Glad everyone else is happy, too!

[sundial]

Why do we love the carpet? Because the cats love the carpet! We are such softies...


This new house sounds so much more inviting than the other one. And the fact that your kitties are much more relaxed speaks volumes. They can pick up on things that you can't even imagine.

Before we moved to the house that we're in, I made sure it was doggie friendly and that it was located away from a busy road. For non-pet people this sounds silly but for the other folks, it's a rational decision.

[tangentgirl]

Congrats, Melalvai. Sounds like a nice new start. :)

[Chile Pepper]

Sounds wonderful! So glad this is working out for you.

[bmccasland]

Happy New Home! :D

Ditto on the kitties picking up on things, aside from the fact that they don't like tile.

[shootingstar]

Good to hear your family is becoming comfy in new home!