I'm sorry but...

[PamNY]

The phrase "I'm sorry but..." sends me over the edge. Anyone else? It used to seem that only women said this, but now I've heard/seen it more and more from men.

I don't know why this perturbs me so much. I suppose it relates to the idea that women need to soften negative or critical comments.

I usually don't fret over trivia and I certainly don't whine about it online. But I'm consumed with curiosity over whether others are bothered by this.

[Melalvai]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

[ny biker]

I never notice anyone saying it.

[pll]

I've heard it many times, in different versions. I think it tries to soften what comes next, to defuse the confrontation aspect, and some people make a habit of it. When I was a grad student, there was faculty member known to preface all criticism with a compliment. The more complimentary his initial comment was, the worse the disemboweling of the speaker would be...

[gnat23]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

[pll]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

I read it differently. The "bless his heart" is typically used behind someone's back and I find it condescending (bless his heart, he is does not know any better). The "I'm sorry but" can be used more face to face.

[shootingstar]

Probably said way more often by people than I realize.

But then, in light of bigger stuff, to me, not worth frettin'.

I'm a more direct person and I know for certain this can bug some folks. So hope not to fall into "I'm sorry" trap.

Maybe better focus on finding a good thing to say to someone after delivering a more negative comment? Someone said to me that complimenting a person is tougher than..finding negative stuff to say these days.

[lph]

Depending on how it's said, it can sound very self-righteous. Because when someone busts out, not sounding sorry at all, with a loud and indignant "I'm sorry, but...!" it sort of comes out more like "Well, I'm sorry that I have to be pushed to say this, because Lord knows I don't want to say anything bad about anyone, and I'm usually a kind and considerate person, but this behaviour is just so atrocious that I have to comment on it, you know someone has to stand up for what's right here, even though I'm going to sound mean and inconsiderate..." :D

I know some of those :D. Sorry is a pretty easy word to hear the way it's meant...

[Irulan]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

[Kerry1976]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

I couldn't agree more. Drives me nuts when people do this.

[malkin]

I put 'just kidding' in the same category. I guess you could combine them all, I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound racist but *racist insult here*; just kidding.

[Bike Writer]

What lph siad. It really matters what tone it's said in. A real true friend might express their sorrow to another friend and use "but" to add a comforting thought to the sentence. However, I don't believe "but" is necessary because to me it has bad connotations and tries (like others have said) to mitigate the words that come next. Sometimes that is appropriate. Yet tt is far more powerful to simply say to someone I'm sorry. If that is what you mean and then follow it with a new statement without "but". Sorry is powerful enough on it's own.

It reminds me of something I have heard younger kids, say 15 years old and younger that goes like this...."not to be rude or anything, but"...I've heard them telling this to their friends and I find it strange. So does proclaiming that you are not rude mitigate the fact that you are about to do something that is? That logic just cracks me up.

But is only three letters long but it has a pretty big meaning.

[lph]

Oh gawd. I just recalled another mannerism from uh, someone in my close family. "But!" When nobody is listening 'cause we're all fed up, and we're no longer asking polite follow-up questions because it's time for someone else to speak, or at the very least to change the subject... after a short silence this person will just look up and say "But! Did you know, bla-bla-bla" and go on for another twenty minutes. Drives me crazy.

And no, it's not the real "Hey! I just remembered something I have to tell you!" type of "but"...

[Aggie_Ama]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

I know this person! "I don't want to sound racist but I need to find a new apartment complex because there are too many...." Don't worry, you are racist ma'dear.

And Irulan hit it dead on. To me it is the same thing as the person who has an excuse for every shortcoming they have. When I was still in a supervisor role nothing could get you on my watch list quicker than never owning up to anything. I am so glad I don't manage people anymore!

[solobiker]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

I agree with this 100%. Once the "but" is added it pretty much cancels out the sorry.

[PamNY]

Interesting comments. I now have new reasons to be annoyed by this annoying phrase.

lph, "self righteous" is interesting, and exactly right. I love the story about the "But!" person.

Melalvai and pll, being from the South, I am well familiar with "Bless his heart..." as the intro to an insult. The Wall Street Journal actually did an article about this years ago. I spent an entire evening demonstrating the technique for bemused New Yorkers.

One day when I'm in a rude mood, I'm going to ask someone precisely what they are sorry for.

[marni]

Well, I'm sorry to say that in my family we use" bless his heart" as a positive comment for anyone who has connected in a way of genuine friendship, goodness or helpfulness. We mean it literally as in wishing said person well and declaring that this is a good person. We also, again in the family,use " I'm sorry but," as a sincere apology followed by an explanation of why we did or thought whatever we did that was wrong according to the other persons perceptions.

Of course we always taught our children that there were no wrong answers to most situations, and if they could give a logical explanation of why they thought, acted or spoke the way they did, we would listen and help them figure out whether or not there was a better way to have done it.

but that's just me who has either been lucky enough to have either of these satements applied in a negative manner, or if it was I never noticed since I figure that as long as I act, speak and think morally, honestly and sincerely without harm to another person, then other peoples' thoughts and comments about me don't matter.

[PamNY]

Oh, "bless your heart" is the most comforting and loving phrase imaginable -- from someone who actually means it.

My parents lived in the south (where I grew up) and to this day I remember each and every "bless your heart" that I heard during their final illnesses. And thanks to my family's loving and wonderful friends, I heard it quite a lot. That phrase resonates with me and soothes an aching heart like nothing else.

What we are talking about is entirely different -- it's the "bless your heart" that precedes snark. I would call it a bastardization of a lovely bit of language.

[lph]

I think we're all talking about the same thing - phrases using positive words said in context with something negative, not the phrase as such. "Sorry" and "bless your heart" are wonderful words when the person means them, but not when they're followed by something mean or negative and are just put in there to make the person look better...

[Selkie]

I'll take "I'm sorry but" and "bless his heart" over trendy, affected phrases like "spot on," "viral," etc.

I find myself using my parents' phrases more and more as I get older!

[Catrin]

Oh, "bless your heart" is the most comforting and loving phrase imaginable -- from someone who actually means it.

My parents lived in the south (where I grew up) and to this day I remember each and every "bless your heart" that I heard during their final illnesses. And thanks to my family's loving and wonderful friends, I heard it quite a lot. That phrase resonates with me and soothes an aching heart like nothing else.

What we are talking about is entirely different -- it's the "bless your heart" that precedes snark. I would call it a bastardization of a lovely bit of language.


This is a very southern phrase (where I grew up as well) and it is used both ways. Very beautiful when meant, certainly.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

The phrase I hear all the time now that drives me crazy is: "Not a problem!" or "No problem!".
This is usually said instead of 'You're welcome' nowadays.
Whenever I am at a restaurant and I thank the waiter when they put my dish down, or buying something at a store, or whenever I am just saying "Thank you" to someone holding a door open for me or for basically any reason at all...they throw "Not a problem!" back at me. :mad:

Like there might have been a 'problem' in my buying something from them? Or there might have been a 'problem' with them bringing the food I ordered, so I should be grateful? It makes it sound as though they did me a favor by deftly skirting any 'problems' inherent to helping me or performing a service. What ever happened to the more gracious and friendly "You're welcome!" which is said with no implied strings attached ?

[PamNY]

"No problem" certainly is different from "you're welcome," but to me it has a certain charm.

It's similar to "don't mention it" or "not at all," both of which are old-fashioned and a bit formal. It's also similar to "de nada" in Spanish.

What I find unnerving, though I know it's regional and certainly not meant to offend, is "yep" in lieu of "you're welcome."

Of course, I can't walk my dog without overhearing the F word about ten times, so it doesn't take much to charm me.

[badger]

ack, I use "I'm sorry, but" quite often! sorry if it's offensive. I use it in the context of "I'm sorry, but that's just wrong".

I really dislike it when people start out a sentence: "listen", or "look", it just sounds so aggressive and rude.

[drgynfyr]

I agree wholeheartedly with Irulan.

[malkin]

Hmmm. I'm still mulling this over.

As a linguist I wonder if some of the "I'm sorry but..." is a way to attach a dependent clause.

If someone dinged another car and left a note, is one of these preferable?

A. I'm sorry that I dented your fender.
2. I'm sorry but I dented your fender.
iii. I'm sorry I dented your fender.

(As I was writing them, I thought they'd be the same, but reading them over, I have a clear favorite and a clear least favorite.) Anyone else?

[sfa]

Emailing my boss this morning:

"I'm sorry, but I can't find the request you sent for information for your supervisor's mid-year evaluation. Could you resend that request so I know what to give you?"

Seriously, what's wrong with that? "I'm sorry, but..." is a perfectly good phrase if you use it when you really ARE sorry about what you're about to say, although it seems to be correctly applied only when the phrase to follow is news to the other person. That is, you wouldn't use it to apologize for something that happened in the past that the listener already knows about, but rather as a way of breaking unwelcome news in a way that possibly softens the blow: "I'm sorry, but my cat scratched your daughter" is pretty much the same as "My cat scratched your daughter. I'm sorry." So I'm not sure why one would be preferable to the other, or why the first would irritate someone.

However, it seems that it is often used when the person receiving the apology and the news to follow might share in some of the blame for the news, so I can see that it would be overused, or used to ONLY assign blame to that person (i.e., an insincere apology). "I'm sorry, but my cat scratched your daughter. Maybe you should talk to your daughter about poking animals with sticks?" That is, I AM sorry that my cat scratched your daughter, but you should also be sorry that your daughter was teasing the cat to begin with. I'd also use it when I bear NO responsibility for the "bad news" but I'm sorry that the situation exists at all. For example, saying to my daughter when I have to wake her up on a day she's looking forward to spending in the pool: "I'm sorry, but it's pouring rain."

In my case, I'm pretty sure my boss never sent me the request, so her reminder message to me wasn't so much a reminder as a new request and she wants the answer today; however, I'm willing to admit the possibility that she sent the request and I accidentally deleted it (for which I'm truly sorry).

In Malkin's examples, "I'm sorry that I dented your fender" is a phrase I'd use after the fender's owner already knew about the accident and the dented fender. Same thing with "I'm sorry I dented your fender," while "I'm sorry, but I dented your fender" is what I'd say to the fender's owner when I had to go to his door and let him know that I just backed into his car when I was pulling out of my driveway.

Sarah

[Crankin]

"I'm sorry, but" doesn't bother me at all, and if it did, I would probably be considering the context of the statement that followed. Only blatant grammatical speaking errors bug me.
Bless his heart, well... my ex-mil and family used this constantly. They were from Texas and I knew it was common, but it bugged me. It felt religious to me. I know, I am putting my own issues on a regional saying, but I could never warm to it.

[kacie tri-ing]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

I soon as I read the title, I thought of "bless his heart."

[PamNY]

What I'm talking about is:

I'm sorry, but that car is ugly.





Hmmm. I'm still mulling this over.

As a linguist I wonder if some of the "I'm sorry but..." is a way to attach a dependent clause.

If someone dinged another car and left a note, is one of these preferable?

A. I'm sorry that I dented your fender.
2. I'm sorry but I dented your fender.
iii. I'm sorry I dented your fender.

(As I was writing them, I thought they'd be the same, but reading them over, I have a clear favorite and a clear least favorite.) Anyone else?

[kacie tri-ing]

Oh, to add, I am a southerner, and the way "bless his heart" is said in a bad way is....(And yes there is a good way and a bad way to say those same three words).

He's not too bright....."bless his heart" as if that cancels the bad thing you just said.

[Irulan]

"I'm sorry, but I can't find the request you sent for information for your supervisor's mid-year evaluation. Could you resend that request so I know what to give you?"

Seriously, what's wrong with that? "I'm sorry, but..." is a perfectly good phrase if you use it when you really ARE sorry about what you're about to say,

That is true.( but:D) It's all about the disclaimer that might follow the "...but". This is turning into a huge semantics discussion

I'm sorry I didn't pick up any beer, but you drink too much anyway.
I'm sorry I didn't come to dinner, but your friends are a bunch of jerks.
I'm sorry I cheated on you, but I'm not getting what I need.

etc.

[malkin]

What I'm talking about is:

I'm sorry, but that car is ugly.

Right, used when the speaker isn't sorry at all.

*snicker* Look way down the definition options, dictionary.com...5 and 6 are kind of funny in this context.

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when her brother died?
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse.
6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you're misinformed. Did I bump you? Sorry.

I'm pitiful, but that car is ugly.

[Possegal]

When I saw the subject my mind right to
"no offense but,..." which is always followed by something that is more likely than not going to offend you. So I think no offense but bothers me as much as I'm sorry but bothers you. :)

I am so glad I'm perfect. ;)

I had a friend tell me once that I commented that something was a pet peeve more than anyone he knew. He said I had more pet peeves than anyone. I however believe that the things that bothered me, bothered them too, just that I was the only one that called it a pet peeve. I've tried to use that phrase less since then.

[Aggie_Ama]

I am southern too and we say "bless his heart" as an insult. Like "bless his heart he is nice but not too bright". One day I was having the worst morning: spilled coffee on myself, tripped and bruised my leg, something else. My mom sent me a text "well bless your pea picking heart". I laughed so hard I put it under my mouse pad at work (have one with a clear cover). The bless his heart reminded me of it. :)