Bipolar II

[colorisnt]

Hi everyone.

I've been having a really hard time of it lately and even when I thought I was improving, I have been struggling. It is starting to effect my riding in a major way again and I really need some help for someone who has dealt with this.

I have recently been diagnosed BiPolar II. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression since I was 18 (so 5 years). I have been in pretty consistent therapy and working with a psychiatrist for all of this time. It runs in my family and we just don't talk about it.

I've been on a hypomanic episode for about a week (now I finally know what to call one, I always thought this was normal) and haven't slept for more than a couple of hours all week. Thinking that maybe my SSRI would help my low a few weeks ago, I was slowly titrating up on Zoloft to 150 mg. I have been there for the past week and have been throwing up, chilled, upset, you name it. So, I am coming down off that and starting Seroquel today hoping it will level me off and get me some rest. I am on about 12 mg of it to start.

Anyone else suffer from it? No one in my family talks about Bipolar II at all, even though several of my cousins and aunts/uncles suffer from it. It's very taboo and I still feel like a freak saying it, but I know I am not. It's just a disease. I feel comfortable enough saying it on here, so I thought I would ask. I mean, if we can talk about labial relief in a saddle, then I suppose this isn't weird at all. HAHA.

[tulip]

((((colorisnt))))

My mother has it, and it's not easy for her or for the people who love her. I have no advice, but I just want to say that I'm very proud of you for speaking up and acknowledging that it's a disease. Good for you for sticking with treatment all these years.

Nothing you can do about your family's reticence to talk about it. Remember, you cannot change their actions, you can only control how you respond to them.

Best to you, and keep us posted. You are right about talking about labial relief--that was very funny!

[indysteel]

What Tulip said times a billion. I don't have BPD, but it also runs in my family. I wish it wasn't so taboo to talk about mental illness and, in particular BPD. You might ask your docs if they can refer you to a local or online support group to help you connect to people who can directly relate. Of course, we're hear for you, too, with lots of virtual hugs, empathy and, hopefully, some good advice.

[colorisnt]

Thanks, ladies.

And you are so right, Tulip. It has been hard for me to learn this.

It's been weird these last few days. And I thought I was doing "great" yesterday until my therapist told my I looked like I hadn't slept in days. I hadn't, of course. But I thought I was fine even then. And I was going to ride to work today despite spending the whole morning being sick. I finally just had to get it into my head that this may have been normal for most of my life, but it has to stop now.

And indy, I will ask about a support group in the area. I know there is an organization locally that works to help fight stigma. I bet that is one place to go. The other thing I can do is talk to one of my support system friends here and ask. He is also BPDII and really has no qualms talking about it, which has really helped me, I think.

[Crankin]

You might want to keep a log of the medication and the effects, whether positive or negative. Also, how cycling affects your moods or the meds. I have my clients do this, especially when starting new meds. I'm not a physician, but sometimes it takes a long time to find the one that works. A support group would be great; have you ever thought about group therapy? I mean in addition to your regular sessions. It gives you a window into how other people process the same thing and how they perceive you. A skilled group therapist is a wonderful thing! So, not a support group, per se, which may be lay run, but a real group therapy experience where you can work on your issues, just as in individual therapy. Ask your therapist.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((colorisnt)))))))

What Tulip said. It took courage to say that. Take good care and I hope you get your meds sorted soon.

[CycleTherapy]

Realistically, we all fall someplace on the mood continuum. From depression to mania, we all reside somewhere on the scale, somewhere between the extremes. To think of it in this way, removes the stigma and shame. I don't think its just "feel good" explanation but a truth. Some experience a higher "high", some a lower "low" on the scale. Medication, stabilizes mood and keeps folks in a more neutral position on the mood scale that every human occupies. There is no shame.

[blackhillsbiker]

Depression runs in my family. My mom still can't say the word (even though she spent the 70s on Valium "for her nerves."). It has turned up in all 3 of our daughters as well. I'm fairly visible as a pastor's spouse so I bring it up (my fight with depression) when appropriate. I've been surprised at how many women come up to me later and thank me for talking about it. Diabetes runs in my husband's side of the family. Funny how that is equally devastating but much more acceptable. Sending lots of hugs your way. I was in my 30s before I really got help. You're starting younger finding out what works for you. As said above, a log of medications/exercise/therapies and your response to them will be helpful. Sometimes it's hard to remember what I tried and how I reacted.

Deb

[PamNY]

Colorisnt, no advice, but lots of good wishes, and I'm so glad you feel free to discuss it here. The more openness and understanding of such things, the better.

Blackhillsbiker, as a pastor's spouse, I'm sure you have helped many people by sharing information about your depression. My father was a Methodist minister, so I know a bit about the visibility you mention.

[maillotpois]

My mom is bipolar also. She just told me this. I always knew there was something going on. It is tough for all involved.

[Catrin]

{{{Colorisnt}}} It did take courage to bring this up, and good for you in doing so. I am not bipolar, but do deal with depression and back when I was still on medication we found that SSRI meds create a "faux" bipolar problem as a side effect (bipolar is found in my family). That gave me a small taste of what it might feel like and it wasn't pleasant. Thankfully there are non-SSRI meds for depression but that is another topic.

Sadly mood disorders, and mental illness in general, are still taboo for many families to discuss, it is a hard topic. It sounds like you have been making some very positive steps and are working with some good people. Sending lots of hugs to you and a journal/log would be very helpful for you as you start to track what helps in this journey that you have begun.

[KnottedYet]

(((Colorisnt)))
Bipolar is in my family, too. Keep track of the meds, and speak up to your doc if you feel the meds aren't doing the right thing. Don't be shy! My aunt went through quite a few different ones before she found what worked, and the one that worked is great for her. Her husband helped advocate for her and was able to tell the docs what he saw with each med she tried.

[indysteel]

Colorisnt, how are you feeling today? Check in with us if and when you have a chance.

[colorisnt]

I'm feeling a little better after taking my meds this morning. Got a lot finished this morning and by that, I mean making sure that I am ready to go to work and feel well enough to do so. I am keeping a log, so that will help a bit. Did get some sleep and am looking MUCH better this morning because of it.

And as for group, I will have to find one that is not full of u-grads. I feel like that would be a bad idea seeing as I teach them and I would be petrified to come across one of my students. It would just be really awkward. If group sessions are affordable elsewhere, that is fine. But right now, it is looking like they will still be $30.00 a week, which I don't think I can spend right now.

I am trying to just see if I can work it out. It all makes me want to go back to England price-wise because I wouldn't be paying an arm and a leg for care.

[Crankin]

I understand not wanting to be in a group with your students. It's important to keep it all separate. If you are working with your university counseling center, maybe you could suggest a group for grad students. There might be an intern (we need our hours!) who would be interested in doing this.
Keep advocating for yourself.
There's mental illness in everyone's family. My family is still feeling the effects of a trauma that happened in 1918....

[Selkie]

My mother had Bipolar disorder, as well (the worst kind, where episodes result in psychosis). Starting in the early 60s, she went through every treatment/medication available, including old school ECT. The docs never really could get it under control until she was in her late 60s. Of course, back in the 60s-early 80s, mental illness was considered "shameful" so there was really no support for my dad or my siblings/myself. But I digress.
Colorisnt--thank God science has come a long way, as has society. You aren't alone. Everyone here has offered excellent advice. Sending you lots of good wishes.

[maillotpois]

My mother had Bipolar disorder, as well (the worst kind, where episodes result in psychosis). Starting in the early 60s, she went through every treatment/medication available, including old school ECT. The docs never really could get it under control until she was in her late 60s. Of course, back in the 60s-early 80s, mental illness was considered "shameful" so there was really no support for my dad or my siblings/myself. But I digress.
Colorisnt--thank God science has come a long way, as has society. You aren't alone. Everyone here has offered excellent advice. Sending you lots of good wishes.

That's exactly the same situation as my mom. She even had ECT quite recently as well as back in the 60's, which seemed to have helped. The anti psychotic drugs she was on for years have led to some pretty awful side effects for her lately, right when she seemed to have been getting things together.

[Selkie]

Sarah -- It's a horrible condition, particularly when the psychosis steals them from you (when I was 12, she thought the ice age was coming back and almost set the house on fire. She was trying to balance the environment in our house so the glacier wouldn't form over it, had the stove blasting, gas burners flaming up! The was one occasion where my dad had no trouble getting her committed!).

Sending you and your mom lots of good wishes.

Once they found the right meds for my mom, she was a different person. Of course, all those years of Haldol, Stellazine, Thorazine, Lithium, etc. took a toll.

[maillotpois]

Once they found the right meds for my mom, she was a different person. Of course, all those years of Haldol, Stellazine, Thorazine, Lithium, etc. took a toll.

Right - my mom now has Tardive dyskenesia because of all those meds. I'm probably spelling that wrong.

Thanks for the good wishes - sending them right back to you. It's a tough thing. Sounds like guys had a really rough time of it.

[colorisnt]

Wow, Selkie, I am glad to hear with the meds your mom finally got the help she needed. It's awful about the side effects, which I am certainly concerned about but I'm on such a low does that I don't know really if it is really a big worry.

I'm doing okay. Just trying to balance everything out here.

[Selkie]

Wow, Selkie, I am glad to hear with the meds your mom finally got the help she needed. It's awful about the side effects, which I am certainly concerned about but I'm on such a low does that I don't know really if it is really a big worry.

I'm doing okay. Just trying to balance everything out here.

Colorisnt - Remember, my mom's treatment began in the early 60s, and she was on a combo of various meds until she passed away in 2001. She was on some high doses, particularly after a hospitalization.

From what I understand, treatment today is so much better.... The best thing is that it's no longer seen as something shameful and is recognized as a medical condition, like diabetes.

Have you read Kay Jamison Redfeild's (I know I got her surname wrong, sorry) books on her own struggles w/bipolar?

A lot of very talented, intelligent people are/were bipolar.

[badgercat]

Have you read Kay Jamison Redfeild's (I know I got her surname wrong, sorry) books on her own struggles w/bipolar?

Close, Selkie--it's Kay Redfield Jamison, and the book is called An Unquiet Mind. It's an excellent read. I've shared it with a couple people who, while not bipolar, have/had clinical depression, and they found it to be a really moving story.

I don't have much to offer beyond book titles, but how wonderful that there are so many people here to empathize with and support you, colorisnt! Good luck with everything. Grad school is plenty hard enough all on its own. :o

[jelee1311]

Colorisnt you are brave and I hope things will get better soon. Since you are concrned about grad students and money have you tried maybe finding a forum or website for bipolar?It might give you some perspective from people that have bipolar. I look forward to hearing more from you and I will send good thoughts your way

[Selkie]

Thanks, Badger! I think she's written more than one book.

[ciao_bella]

Colorisnt, first off I want to commend you for having the courage to bring this topic up, I know it's not easy for you.
My 26 year old son was diagnosed with Bipolar II four years ago, and yes, it does run on my father's side of the family. Due to my son's diagnosis, I read as much and learned as much as I could so I could help him deal with his illness.
Two things that helped my son the most, and this was after trying every possible "solution" we could find for him.
1. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) also called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is what ultimately changed my son's life and helped him the MOST. Fortunately we live in a city where the local mental health hospital has a WONDERFUL DBT program that is a one year intensive out-patient program, which my son attended. It was his salvation. By the time he completed his DBT program in March of this year, he was (with help from his Psychiatrist) able to cut down to 1/4 the amount of medication he was taking before. Also, he's so much happier and mentally stable, like having my son back again like he was pre-bipolar. In DBT (or CBT) they teach you techniques to manage your mood swings. My son said he didn't really start to "get it" until the second 6 months of the program, so staying with the program long enough for the techniques to become routine is very important. If you're interested in this treatment, call around to your local mental health clinics and ask who offers the DBT or CBT program in your area. There are also books on the subject (look on Amazon), but you really need to get into a weekly program to learn the techniques.
2. Go online to this wonderful organization called Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (website is www.dbsalliance.org). Under "Find Support" then "Find a Support Group near you", see if you can find a local group for you to attend. This is a support group for people suffering from depression and bipolar, and their family members. My son and I attended regularly for a couple of years, and this is where we learned about the DBT program and other very helpful information, plus met some other families dealing with the same issues.

Ciao

[Crankin]

DBT is a wonderful treatment, not just for Bipolar. What makes it different from CBT is the emphasis on mindfulness, which is something that everyone could benefit from. There are many mental health clinics that run DBT groups, but a lot of them are for those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which you might find hard to deal with... ask around.

[indysteel]

DBT is a wonderful treatment, not just for Bipolar. What makes it different from CBT is the emphasis on mindfulness, which is something that everyone could benefit from. There are many mental health clinics that run DBT groups, but a lot of them are for those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which you might find hard to deal with... ask around.

Interesting. I've been involved with CBT for six or so years now to treat episodic mild depression and a generally effed up family, but I've never heard of DBT. I hve a Borderline sister from whom I'm estranged. I wish I'd known about it way back when because Borderline's don't typically respond to traditional talk therapy.

[Ellie24]

Hey Colorisnt

Didn't quite manage to read all the posts, but not sure if anyone who answered actually had BP2, so thought I'd say hello.
I've been diagnosed for 3 years now, the 12 years prior to that they thought I had straight depression - but then I never went to a doctor during a hypomania, cos I thought I was fine. On Seroquel 200mg, bit drowsy in the mornings, but alright once I've biked to work (nothing like being rained on for waking me up).
After years of my mood crashing around all over the place, it is strange to have been (fairly) stable for 3 years, and I miss the energy sometimes, but overall, I think its better.
I did post grad study as well.
Hope you are doing ok at the moment, not sure where you are in the world, but I'm looking forward to the days getting longer and lighter and warmer, it always helps a bit.
Take care

[WindingRoad]

I know this doesn't pertain to everyone but it seems a lot of my riding friends, including myself battle depression and/or anxiety issues. It always amazes me after I ride how much more at peace in my mind I am. That's saying a lot during these days of graduate school. I feel for you colorisnt, I only have depression to deal with so I can't imagine what you must be going through. I know this thread is old but I hope you have been feeling better. :)

[NoNo]

I know this is an old thread, but he's some great info here. Last fall I was also diagnosed as bipolar II. It scared the life out of me, I'd never had an episode like that before and at 33 I finally sought help. Good for you for starting on the path so young. How are you doing? I find that it's a struggle to get going. The meds have taken away my endless energy. I'm just getting going again, I started by walking, now I'm hiking and I've been on my bike twice. But even when I really want to do something I find its a struggle to push past the lack of energy. And forget it if I'm not in the right frame of mind. Good luck to you on your journey. I'm glad there's someone else here that I can talk to.