Depression

[alexis_the_tiny]

I need to rant. After months of thinking I've gotten my chronic depression under control finally, I've slid firmly back into it again. Which isn't unexpected, given that despite all optimism from the doctors and shrinks, I've had cycle after cycle of 'feeling good-oops, depressed again-oh, feel good' again for, well, pretty much my whole life.

What I didn't expect is how much it'd affect my training. I understand that when in a state like that, I can expect to not find pleasure in doing just about everything. I did not, however, expect to wake up this morning for a much anticipated ride to be hit by the feeling of "S**t, I'm not cut out for this, I'm wasting my time, I hate my bike, why am I not selling the darned bike and just calling it a day". Neither did I expect that after FINALLY dragging my butt out to my usual training route, I would stop after 5km and just start BAWLING my eyes out in front of God and every dang cyclist training on that road, because there's another 55km more to go.

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother. Obviously, the answer is to see my therapist more often until this whole episode blows away. I'm just so annoyed by the whole thing. Its embarrassing, to begin with. And I've always prided myself on my ability to at least suck it up when faced with something like physical pain or a long distance ride. Instead, I just melted like the wicked witch in a swimming pool. :mad:

[Blueberry]

No advice, just a virtual hug.

[KnottedYet]

Hugs from me, too.

Yes, it sucks.

Therapists are good, but also ask your doc to check your vit D levels and iron levels. Changing of the seasons really throws my vit D off whack and I need to supplement vit D to a ridiculous degree just to be in the low normal range. I got so bad last year that my doc put me on antidepressants while she waited for the blood level tests to come back. (the antidepressants nearly killed me, because I wasn't actually depressed at the time) I've done enough therapy that I should have been given a frickin' honorary PhD in psychology, but all the good tricks I learned for dealing with the dumps were useless in the face of vit D and iron deficiency.

One week of intense vit D and iron (CRAZY amounts) and my world was a better place.

It's very simplistic and ridiculously low-tech, but it might be worth checking your vit D and iron now. Perhaps they are playing a contributing part in your cycles of good-oops-good-oops.

[shootingstar]

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother.

Gosh, I'm a slacker by comparison. I have zero interest in competing in anything related to cycling or in any sport for past few decades. If I did, for certain it would pull me down further in a depression.

Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?

Keep bits of the natural endorphin drug chugging along while you work away with therapist on other stuff.

[KnottedYet]

"Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?"

Clinical depression is a wee bit different than being overwhelmed by the thought of competition.

It's not just a gloomy day.

It's when you wake up in the morning, needing to pee, and have to actively decide whether to just wet the bed or get up and use the toilet. And getting up to use the toilet becomes the major activity of the day, requiring the kind of effort most folks use to complete a marathon.

Shtting Star, I'm very glad you've never experienced clinical depression.

(part of true depression is that there IS NO pleasure, in *anything*, so doing something for sheer pleasure is moot. Bummer, but that's the way it is.)

[OakLeaf]

(((((alexis)))))

I know you know ... but don't be embarrassed. Shame is such a vicious cycle. You were crying, they were sweating, it's what your bodies do. It's OK.

Hang in there. We're pulling for you.

[Crankin]

Yes, clinical depression is not the same as fear of competition, but the stress relating to the upcoming event can trigger a new round of depressed thoughts. Like any other disease, sometimes you have to change approaches. Go see your therapist, evaluate your psychotropic meds with your doctor, and like Knott said, check out a few simple things that could affect your mood.
PM me if you want.

[malkin]

alexis, I'm sorry.
But after you melted down, you got up, and at least now you are typing, and it sounds like you have a path to walk even now while it is hard.

I was bawling all over town yesterday. I mostly managed to make it to my car, but yah-it's embarrassing or socially weird and certainly not my first choice.

[Catrin]

I am sorry that you are having to endure this right now, but proud of you that you came here to tell us about this. I had a huge problem with clinical depression for decades until about 6 years ago, and it comes in so many forms. I know what this feels like.

+1 on what Knotted said about getting your vitamin levels checked. There are so many things that affect mood in a real way, and that is without throwing in a tendency for major depression.

Sending many hugs for you, and while it probably doesn't feel like it, this will pass. Just keep trying to put one foot in front of another while working with your doctor...

{{{Alexis}}}

[colorisnt]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been here. Very recently and almost didn't do my ride today because of my doubts and such. Definitely see your therapist.

The only thing that helps me is kicking my own ***. I feel so much better when I do it.

I hope that things look up and just remember that you are a great person with a lot to offer the world. Don't let it get you down. There is something good on the way!

[Aggie_Ama]

((Hugs)) I have been there too. Sitting on the side of the trail crying uncontrollably and DH asking what was wrong but you don't even know. The days where brushing my teeth was a battle. I never understood how much depression controlled my life. My doctor at first didn't know if it was just a bout or long term. So he told me to work out, like it is that easy. I was angry running and bawling cycling. I don't have advice but I you have virtual support and a cheerleader. You can still do the Du and you can still be the strong trooper you ARE not WERE.

[alexis_the_tiny]

You guys are the best. Thanks so much for the kind words, it really helps knowing someone knows what I'm talking about. I was on meds for a bit but turns out, I'm one of those 'lucky' few who experience suicidal thoughts as a side effect so I made the choice to pass. Oh irony, what a cruel b****.

I got to hang out with a friend's dog later, there's really nothing like doggy company to make things feel a bit less dire. I need to remind myself that I do races because I want something in my life depression cannot take away from me. If I can't fight this with anything else, might as well bank in on my notorious stubborn streak.

[Catrin]

Stubborness is a great thing to fall back on :) and glad to hear you got to hang out with a dog. Hanging out with a cat helps me in the same way.

Different meds do act differently - back in the day I couldn't take SSRI meds because of certain...side effects that I won't mention, but I could take Wellbutrin just fine as it isn't an SSRI - it works with another chemical in the brain (dopamine). I am thankful that I was able to give that up about 6-7 years ago, but it was a life saver at the time...

[channlluv]

It's very simplistic and ridiculously low-tech, but it might be worth checking your vit D and iron now. Perhaps they are playing a contributing part in your cycles of good-oops-good-oops.

Me, too. I am on antidepressants, but the endocrinologist I saw six months ago did a blood panel that found I was slightly anemic and low on Vitamin D. He prescribed 3,000 mg per day. I get the lemon drop kind at Henry's. It's a fat-soluble vitamin, so you have to eat it with fat. I take mine with eggs at breakfast, or a piece of toast with almond butter or peanut butter.

For the iron, he just told me to eat more leafy greens and red meat, because it's easy to OD on iron, and mine wasn't all that low, I guess.

How is your sleep? Sleep apnea can lead to depression, high blood pressure, irritability, brain fog, obesity, and all sorts of other ugliness. I was diagnosed three years ago. I'm getting fitted for a MORA device tomorrow - mandibular orthopedic repositioning appliance, I think - and it's my first real ray of hope in years for getting out from under this dark cloud.

Hugs from me, too. I've been where you are. Good luck getting the help you need.

Roxy

[ClockworkOrange]

Hey, Alexis, you rant as loudly and as much as you want, we are always here for you.


http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y272/Missbe/a5e5e853.gif

Yeah, I know, it's a bit cheesey but I like it and hope you do too. :D


<<<<<hugs>>>>>

Clock

[colorisnt]

Like CO said, yell from the rooftops if you have an issue! We will be there for you. Sometimes your friends in RL just don't "get it", too. They try to empathize, but they often only see you happy. I was REALLY good at faking it. It's hard for your family and friends to understand that this isn't something new, you just can't take it anymore.

And yes, definitely try different meds. I tried for a long time to figure out what worked and was VERY against meds until I hit rock bottom. Adjusting to them sucks (obviously your issue is not an adjustment one to mess with) and sometimes you feel icky for a couple of weeks, but don't give up if you think it is something worth trying. Some make you nauseas (which was my issue as I already wasn't eating), some make you have weird libido issues, and some can do what yours did. Talk to your doctor and be open about your issues. Yes, it sucks, but they are there to HELP and they won't judge you. They just want you to get better!

[crazycanuck]

AT..I've not experienced clinical depression but my dad does and understand a little bit. Just keep talking and asking for help. Even if we don't have all the answers, we can listen.

BTW...should you want a small mental holiday & want another coolio mtb event to do..why not do this one with me next year??? http://www.capetocapemtb.com/en/default.htm

[blackhillsbiker]

Another chronic depression survivor here. Nothing to add to previous posts except for a ((((((((Alexis)))))))) big hug! Our precious yellow lab once saved me from suicide. If the furry friends help, spend as much time with them as you can.

Deb

[alexis_the_tiny]

Clockwork Orange, I don't care if its cheesy, it's awesome. Then again, I love Cornify because I can pepper my web browser with sparkly rainbows and unicorns. :D

I think its just not easy for people who don't have depression to understand that its bad. Mine comes layered with anxiety and sensory/modulation issues so people tend to just think I'm being intense.

Channlluv, sleep is always a problem for me due to said sensory/modulation problems. When I'm depressed, I become insomniac. On top of that, I have things like no blinky lights in the room or no lights coming through the door cracks from the outside before I can even think about falling asleep. I'm going to go see about Wellbutrin, vitamin D and sleeping pills to start dealing with things a bit. Just to make things more fun, my regular therapist is suddenly unavailable for an indefinite period of time and the next one can only see me in a month's time.

[OakLeaf]

I'm very light-sensitive too. Just as important to me as no light at night, is lots of light during the daytime. I don't know what your work situation is like, but can you get outside during your lunch break ... get a doctor slip to say you need an office with a window ... spend your weekends reading outside if you don't have the energy for anything else ... things of that nature?

[alexis_the_tiny]

So I had a total meltdown last night followed by being completely unable to get out of bed this morning. Went down to my GP for some quick rescue meds and a talk. She's not convinced of the need to have my Vitamin D levels checked at all, her reasoning being that we live in a tropical country and I'd somehow get enough sun to have decent levels of vitamin D. However, she gave me some anti depressants for the next few days until I can get a psych appointment and told me to try out taking more Vitamin B and accupuncture or yoga. And then she told me "But you're a cyclist, won't all the exercise make you feel better?"

I don't know whether to ROFLMAO or cry. I think we have a funny story of the week here....

[PamNY]

I don't know whether to ROFLMAO or cry. I think we have a funny story of the week here....

Yep, you do have a funny story there. A doctor once told me "try not to worry so much." Um, yeah, if I could do that we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I have no advice, just wanted to add good wishes and state the obvious -- things will get better, as you obviously know. I do admire you for talking about it here; reaching out for support is a sign of strength, and you may be helping somebody else by sharing your story.

Hope you get a psych appointment very soon.

[Crankin]

Alexis,
I know how frustrating it is to wait for your pysch appt./deal with the system in general, but despite the pcp's silly comments about vit D, at least you have some meds to help out.
If you want to talk more specifically, until your appt., feel free to PM me. I'm just a lowly intern therapist, but I've been treating clients for a year, so I'm willing to share ideas with you.
The suggestion about acupuncture might be something to think about. I was very hesitant to try it, but it helped me tremendously during a period of extreme anxiety. It didn't work immediately, but I did get relief during the sessions and right afterwards, and then about 2-3 weeks later, I noticed a change in my level of anxiety and my ability to just function better. I went to a traditional practitioner and I was able to negotiate the price with him. My insurance would pay if I went to an MD who was an acupuncturist.
Try to stay open to trying new modalities. You never know what might be successful for you.

[indysteel]

Alexis,

Try to stay open to trying new modalities. You never know what might be successful for you.

+1. I've had periods of episodic depression over the years and yoga has proven to be quite effective in helping me keep a check on my stress level and mood. It helps that I found a very supportive studio where I've met any number of caring and intuitive people. It's someplace where I can count on getting a hug.

I am truly sorry you're feeling low right now, but it sounds like you're well aware of the need to be proactive in dealing with it. I wish you all the best.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Thanks guys. I'm actually open to yoga, just not acupuncture because needles scare me s**tless. Maybe its just me, but I don't think regular panic attacks can do much for depression. =p Yoga, I know helps because I took yoga classes for a while and just being in the class itself was immensely helpful. Another thing I started on is supplementation, vitamin E, B complex and fish oil along with a calcium + D supplement I'm taking cautiously.

Crankin, thanks for the offer, I'll PM you soon. =)

[sundial]

Alexis, I hope you find relief soon and that your mood is stabilized. Full blown depression is like the flu--once you have it you don't ever want to experience it again. Sending a gentle hug and a cup of virtual tea to those who suffer chronic depression.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Sundial, thanks. I've had a few episodes before starting from when I was about 9 or so. Can't really remember when I became aware of this. You're right, its not something you ever want to feel again.

Apart from a certain level of paranoia setting in yesterday, I FINALLY got a psych appointment for next week. Also, when I tweeted about having to take 8 different supplement pills in a go, my girlfriend tweeted back "WOW, you really can swallow". Nothing like a crass joke to at least lighten things up a bit.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Hi, its me. Again. And its the same old thing. Again. This year, I got a job I love doing, got invited to join a bike team which is just WOW, beyond my wildest everything ever, clocked a 30km/h average speed without drafting anyone on a ride.

BUT I am miserable, furious and insomniac. This should be the BEST YEAR of my life ever. But it is far from the best, in fact, its about the most miserable. I haven't ridden my bike in almost three weeks. I need anti-histamines to help me sleep every single night, otherwise I'm up, exhausted, furious and crying until 4 a.m. in the morning. I can't finish a decent ride because I get so furious with everything I start crying an hour into a ride. Therapy is not helping because I'm so furious I don't even know where to start with it and I no longer feel safe expressing my anger anywhere, even in individual therapy. The worst of it is that I can't talk to anyone about what's causing the fury because I'm afraid someone will find out about it. My first two big races are in June. At first I was psyched about them because you know, new team, great training and all. Now I just feel like I never want to race or ride a bike any more. This really blows.

[indysteel]

(((alexis))). I'm not sure I feel competent to give much advice because, to be honest, what you're experiencing sounds serious. You mentioned previously that you were going to undergo a psyche evaluation. What came from that? Did the doctor change your meds? Are you still being treated by a pyschiatrist? I would call them immediately to alert them to your current issues. You absolutely must tell the professionals in your life that you need help. If you can't do that yourself, tell a trusted friend or family member that you need them to make the call and ASAP. Please don't suffer this degree of pain in silence.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Indysteel, yeah I was given an evaluation and the conclusion was that I had personality issues and issues with close relationships from having had ADHD-type difficulties in school and the family. They started me on dialetical behavioral therapy and psychotherapy since meds actually aggravated my anxiety. It was going along fine until something happened and triggered off the rage which apparently, none of the coping strategies therapy taught helped. I'm going to give the therapist's office a call and see if they're open today and maybe get an appointment before my next one.

[indysteel]

That sounds like a good plan. To the extent you're feeling very extreme and uncontrollable emotions, I think you need to keep reaching out to your therapist and doctor so that they can keep a close eye on your diagnosis and treatment plan.

Did they ween you off your meds?

[indysteel]

One last question that may see sort of odd, but it's worth asking. Have you recently had your thyroid checked?

[lph]

Wow, alexis, I have no real help to offer, just sympathy. While not as extreme I know through myself and family a bit of what it's like to just have to live with a helluva lot of emotion, like riding an express train going the wrong way when all you wanted to do was not go anywhere.

I really hope you get help to control this! If it were me I'd want to postpone competition until I were more stable, but that may not work for you.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((alexis)))))))

I'm glad you're reaching out. I hope you can find a place of safety with your therapist where you can start to tell them about all this ... and if not, I hope you can find a therapist you feel safe with.

[alexis_the_tiny]

I think its time for an update now that parts of my life have officially imploded and I can talk. The whole recurrence of anger was because of my partner and the 'discussions' we keep having about where boundaries in the relationship lie and what kind of behavior was appropriate to commitment. And I guess I eventually realized that he wasn't about to commit to anything except to be in an exclusive relationship with no indication of when were were ever going to settle into something stable because he had these dreams of going pro in Europe and somehow, I needed to be ok with staying on hold until those dreams came true, if they ever come true. And if they never, well, I'd have to stay on hold forever. But that's a small chunk of it. Only. And so we went into therapy together and that's when I started feeling unsafe in therapy and angry and eventually, I decided I wasn't going to pick up on his slack any more when he 'doesn't feel like' contacting me and I just stopped. Because its ridiculous. I don't care if his friends managed to work out serious relationships with their girlfriends by seeing them once a month and talking to them once every couple of weeks, that's not my story and I'm not participating in a story that involves that.

So I just stopped participating. I wish I could say it makes me feel better but I don't feel better yet. I feel strange, as if I'm in some state of denial. I don't want to touch a thing or change anything, rather stay pretending he never existed in my life at all and throwing his things out or changing my facebook relationship status is just acknowledging that he exists and it failed. I supposed I'll be able to do it at some point, just not now. It's taken a lot of effort to deal with my ex who was psychologically abusive and all my issues and I'm not about to stand by and watch someone take down all my hard work.

And simply because this isn't enough of a warped comedy, the whole debacle has given me irritable bowel. The universe has a strange sense of humor. *facepalm*

[Crankin]

I hope you're working with a really good therapist that you feel a connection with. It sounds like you made a good decision, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Psychological abuse is never a good thing... Denial is one of the first ways we deal with loss, so think of it as something you are going through, but won't feel this way forever. The problem comes when the denial continues indefinitely.

[redrhodie]

(((alexis))) I'm so sorry. That's hard to go through.

[OakLeaf]

((((((alexis))))) Hang in there. It sounds to me like you ARE moving forward, just by having made that decision. Sending hugs and wishes for happier times ahead.

[goldfinch]

Indysteel, yeah I was given an evaluation and the conclusion was that I had personality issues and issues with close relationships from having had ADHD-type difficulties in school and the family. They started me on dialetical behavioral therapy and psychotherapy since meds actually aggravated my anxiety. It was going along fine until something happened and triggered off the rage which apparently, none of the coping strategies therapy taught helped. I'm going to give the therapist's office a call and see if they're open today and maybe get an appointment before my next one.

Tough road. It might help to know that dialetical behavioral therapy (DBT) has some decent research to back it up for treatment of personality disorders. What you are trying to do is "rewire" how you respond to stresses. It takes time to create new mental habits like it takes time to create new exercise habits.

Keep training that mental muscle!

[alexis_the_tiny]

Crankin, my therapist is, well, ok. I've worked with her for quite a few years now. The irony of it all is that this is the second time I've met a guy who was, well, to put it mildly, horrible. And both times, I just hung on thinking its me and completely wasted all my time. Its sort of completely ridiculous because both times, everyone and god saw that the guys were bad and kept telling me to get out. But because I grew up with so many issues, I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous. I can't believe I wasted all my time and energy. Seriously.

[Crankin]

Are you still doing the DBT? Anything that emphasizes mindfulness is going to help. I am a huge believer in it.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

[Azurah]

Sorry...I'm pretty new here, but just wanted to add some ((hugs)) from someone else who knows what it's like to have depression and other psych issues.

[alexis_the_tiny]

I'm still following stuff I learned from DBT but my current therapist doesn't know how to continue where my other one left off. (LONG story) Mindfulness is helping alot right now, I find that as long as he's not around, I don't have any overwhelming, rage or anxiety problems.

Azurah, thank you for the good thoughts. =)

[WindingRoad]

Alexis - just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way. It isn't any wonder why you've had rage issues considering being in an abusive relationship. I hope eventually you can find the ability to let go of the anger and not let it consume you. Maybe at some point when things calm down a bit you might consider trying a new therapist for a new take on things. Anyways, I hope you slowly start feeling a bit better each day.

[Irulan]

Crankin, my therapist is, well, ok. I've worked with her for quite a few years now. The irony of it all is that this is the second time I've met a guy who was, well, to put it mildly, horrible. And both times, I just hung on thinking its me and completely wasted all my time. Its sort of completely ridiculous because both times, everyone and god saw that the guys were bad and kept telling me to get out. But because I grew up with so many issues, I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous. I can't believe I wasted all my time and energy. Seriously.

Wow. I would never stick with a therapist who is "well, ok". I mean, this is your life we are talking about ( and your money, presumably). You should really think your therapist is terrific, or find a new one. And yes, I know it's difficult. Ask around. You want to work with someone who will push you to look at the hard things, and make you a little uncomfortable at times. If it's too easy, you won't get anywhere with it.

I'm not going to bore you with my story as I'm sure it's buried here on the forum somewhere.(short version, abused, neglected, PTSD, depressive disorders) I've worked with a couple of really crappy, or "ok" therapists, and I've been very fortunate to work with two really excellent ones who helped me to heal, and grow, and find some real peace in my life.

RE mindfulness helping
1. 12 step work may be appropriate for you
2. Jack Kornfield has some great books on mindfulness and daily practice.


(requoting)

I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous.

Not ridiculous at all. It's absolutely true. Why would you think otherwise? Until we get well, we tend to pick mates that either aggravate, underscore, or reflect our issues.

[Kitsune06]

I'm just popping in after having read, but I can't contribute much more than what the others have said. Another ((hug)), though, from someone else who knows how dark some places can be, and what psychological abuse can do to a person. Baby steps forward, for this, too, shall pass.

[Crankin]

Alexis, how are you doing?

[alexis_the_tiny]

Hey guys, thanks for the help. Crankin, I'll go look up the books, I read kind of obsessively so it'll be good to read something helpful for once. I've been...busy. Its the end of semester at school and there's so much work to do preparing to meet parents and everything.

I might need to look for another therapist since I can't seem to make myself go back to the current therapist's office. In fact, I can't make myself go anywhere that I used to frequent during the last year. Daily functioning is ok, I'm doing better with my job and all. But outside of work, I seem to want to block out everything that has happened with him to the extent that I avoid old training routes, hangouts, friends, the therapist's office, Facebook, you name it. My weekly routine which I'm usually insistent on never deviating from has also changed dramatically. Its not about the person, because I don't feel anything where he's concerned, I just, can't seem to do anything that'd remind me I spent the last year in a relationship. So, needless to say, hunt for a new therapist shall resume...

[WindingRoad]

alexis it sounds like you are more upset about what feels like 'wasted time' on him. It's okay and its not your fault. Things usually happen for a reason and this is one of those things. I'm happy you are figuring it out quicker than I did, it took me 11 years with the same jerk. Keep your head up high. :)

[Irulan]

Well depression is nothing.It is the creation of our mind.Depression can easily makes us ill and can destroy our life.Depression makes our brain weak..So we should try to be happy and avoid thinking too much about a problem.

Easy for you to say, have you ever been in a depression so deep that none of the above worked and it required medical treatment to improve? Trust me, if I could have fixed it through improved thinking I would have.

[zoom-zoom]

Well depression is nothing.It is the creation of our mind.Depression can easily makes us ill and can destroy our life.Depression makes our brain weak..So we should try to be happy and avoid thinking too much about a problem.

I smell a troll...

Depression is no more "nothing" than are Type 1 Diabetes, cancer, asthma, or any other disease/disorder requiring medication to combat/correct. Would you tell a diabetic to just stop thinking about their blood sugar...that their insulin levels will correct themselves?

[alexis_the_tiny]

Yesterday, I cut myself some slack. After a whole lifetime of pushing myself to do things I can't do or don't want to do simply for validation, I said "I'm too tired to race a 12 hour solo" and it was...ok. It was fine. For the first time in 24 years, I could put aside the thought that if I didn't race it, I would be worth nothing. I felt guilty about not training and just pushed it aside and enjoyed long, slack rides and runs. That feeling, its like coming up through the water and taking one deep breath.

And the irony? I'm actually a helluva stronger now after weeks and weeks of patchy training than when I was following a weekly schedule insanely. Go figure.

[shootingstar]

Yesterday, I cut myself some slack. After a whole lifetime of pushing myself to do things I can't do or don't want to do simply for validation, I said "I'm too tired to race a 12 hour solo" and it was...ok. It was fine. For the first time in 24 years, I could put aside the thought that if I didn't race it, I would be worth nothing. I felt guilty about not training and just pushed it aside and enjoyed long, slack rides and runs. That feeling, its like coming up through the water and taking one deep breath.

And the irony? I'm actually a helluva stronger now after weeks and weeks of patchy training than when I was following a weekly schedule insanely. Go figure.

Hey, then you can get back onto the bike next time in a more relaxed frame of mind. Bike needs to be part of your therapy since you love it (like alot of other folks here), but not something to feel guilty about in terms of competency.

[lph]

Pardon me if I sound pompous, but yup, it takes strength to know when to be weak*, and accept it. Good for you.

*as if not riding a 12 hr solo has anything to do with being weak :eek:

[colorisnt]

Pardon me if I sound pompous, but yup, it takes strength to know when to be weak*, and accept it. Good for you.

*as if not riding a 12 hr solo has anything to do with being weak :eek:


Yes. This. One of the best things that I learned in therapy this yea is when to give up. And "weakness" is not what I call it, but knowing when I need to take care of my OWN self as opposed to feeding the doubts in my head or doing too much for other people.

[indysteel]

Colorisnt! I'm so glad to see you on the forum! I've been wondering how you've been. I hope better...

As for the point of your post: I;ve been in therapy for about seven or eight years now, and a large part of it has been focused on that simple premise--that I'm entitled to take care of my needs first and foremost. Once you truly believe that, it's a lot easier to make nearly every decision. I do care about other people, some quite a bit, but at the end of the day, I care about myself more. If I don't, who will? To some, that may seem selfish, but for me, it's what's freed me to have enough energy at the end of most days to actually do things for others.

[Crankin]

You know, I've always, always subscribed to the way of thinking that Indy describes. If I wasn't doing OK, then how could my kids, my DH, or my students be OK? And I know that others along the way have thought that as being selfish. It's like the mothers (and fathers) who don't take time to go out alone, without the kids, because they "work all week," and it "wouldn't be fair." Fair to who? Sure, I had to get up at 5AM to do some of the stuff I did for myself, but my DH also was there to do all of the morning routine for the kids when I was busy taking care of myself at the gym.
One of the best things about the therapeutic relationship is when an adult realizes he or she doesn't have to please everyone else before pleasing his or herself.

[aquamoose32]

Someone told me when I really started cycling a lot that if you don't get enough salt you can get depressed. I know this probably isn't the core of your problem, but doesn't hurt to use the shaker! :D

[goldfinch]

And it's treatable in easy way.

Well, no it is not. Depression can be extremely difficult to manage.

[zoom-zoom]

You know, I've always, always subscribed to the way of thinking that Indy describes. If I wasn't doing OK, then how could my kids, my DH, or my students be OK?

A friend of mine once told me that she deals with her depression as if she were in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop--her priority is to put the mask on herself, first, and then put the masks on her kids. If she doesn't make sure that she's OK, then she hasn't the capacity to make sure that anyone else is having their needs met.

[alexis_the_tiny]

A friend of mine once told me that she deals with her depression as if she were in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop--her priority is to put the mask on herself, first, and then put the masks on her kids. If she doesn't make sure that she's OK, then she hasn't the capacity to make sure that anyone else is having their needs met.

I love that analogy. It makes complete and utter sense. If I don't get enough sleep or food, I can't be the best teacher to my students at school.

It feels so wonderful to allow myself to just slack off on rides and stuff. The other night I went for a ride with friends and dropped off the ride after the first loop and ended up kicking back with another friend listening to Thai pop music while waiting for the others.

Part of the whole change really came from getting rid of some people in my life who were constantly making me feel like I needed to prove my worth to them. It was hard because they were people I thought were supposed to be the ones who were the closest to me and it turns out, they didn't really care much and I wasted all that time trying to get them to approve of me. That and therapy. Good grief.

[ClockworkOrange]

Alexis, I have not read this thread since you started it back in October 2010 and my goodness, you seem to be in far better spirits than before.

I vaguely remember you mentioning unicorns, so I have sent you this


http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j353/1Clockwork1/uni.jpg

Recently I received a PM from Miranda and she said "Enjoy your victories of each day". I feel this is very apt for most of us, so much so, I now have this under my signature.

Anyway, lovely to hear you seeming more positive.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Hi Clock! Its good to hear from you again! The unicorn and quote came at a really great time, its a bad night for me tonight. Good days, bad days, but at least its slightly easier to roll with it all. Love the unicorn!! Thank you. :)