Friendships that you don't drop but wonder

[shootingstar]

It's not a problem with this long-time friend since my late teens. There are times though, I wonder what binds us together at this stage in life.

She lives in a different province. Unfortunately she doesn't write much. I just think she's like that. She and I do chat up about once a year by phone or meet for a few hrs. Our lives have diverged, though both of us are same age.

Over the years I have expressed gently a desire to talk abit more deeply. But she doesn't seem know how to articulate what she is feeling, etc. Or maybe doesn't want to. That's ok with me. She's not the only loved one in my life who has a harder time articulating complex/deep feelings.

Part of our friendship goes way back...when she lost her sister who was 1 yr. older than both of us. She died at age 19, from accidental drowning while vacationing in Mexico. So I knew her sister, her family, etc.

Have a friendship like that..where there's not alot of frequent/deep talking but genuine mutual loyalty, warmth and unspoken caring? Somehow there's no good reason for me to drop her out of my life.

[Crankin]

If you can take it for what it is, and it doesn't bother you, then keep up the contact the way it is. You have recognized her "faults" and deal with them.
For example, I have a friend I met about a year after I moved here (19 years ago). We became close, went out as couples, my kids babysat her kid. We did holidays together, with other friends, too.
As the years have gone by, what were just quirks in her personality are now outright mental health issues. It is too long to go into. But, other people have asked me if there is "something wrong" with her. I can barely stand being around her. She thinks she is my "best friend," although I hardly talk to her. I have cut down the contact as much as I can, without dropping the friendship entirely. I am trying to get up the courage to talk to her about her issues, but it almost doesn't seem worth it, as she will just get angry at me.
You recognize the bond you have with your friend, so it may be easier to just keep things the way they are.

[roadie gal]

I have a friend from college, that's 35 years ago, that I love dearly, but rarely speak to anymore. It's not that we don't like each other. It's just that we both have very busy, different lives and we live 3000 miles apart.

When we do get together though it's like no time has passed. I would do anything for her and I know she would for me. It's nice just knowing she's there even if we're not in touch that often.

[Grog]

Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them, but you know they're always there.

[badger]

I have two very dear friends that I hardly ever speak to or even write to, but there's just something so profound that it's not even necessary to keep in that close a touch.

Every once in a while there would be an email, but one of them I haven't seen in about 3 years and haven't spoken in about 2. She actually lives a short distance away but we never see each other.

Another one lives in England and when we first met in 1988, we hit it off like house on fire. We lost touch for about 10 years but have now been back in touch. We see each other on average every 2 years and speak almost as infrequently.

I honestly can't describe what we have, but both of these girls mean so much to me, and I know the feeling is mutual.

[Crankin]

I guess I described a "good friend gone bad" in my previous post. But, I do have friends in AZ that I am the same way with, as in I can go years without seeing them, go and visit, and it's like I never left. I used to email one quite frequently; now I see what she's doing on Facebook and email once in awhile. She's living a bit of a different life now, divorced her husband after 25 years, remarried the first guy she dated, and then divorced again.
But, I know if I needed her she (and a few others) would be there in a minute. These are my friends from my play group, which I joined in 1984. Except for the friends I had in middle school, I will never have friendships like those.

[shootingstar]

This friend is perhaps like one of my touchstones in life history....she and I have similar family backgrounds, similar upbringing, same ethnicity (which growing up in German-based city in the 1960's-1970's where there were very few Asians, means something in terms of shared experiences), she also is from a family predominantly sisters with 1 brother, same for me.

Dropping someone like that from my life when she and I have a good friendship (even though it skims the surface at times) and many unspoken understandings/intuitive shared experiences, may not be the best.

Yes, I do accept for what it is. After all, being good friends for a very long time, means not asking the person to be any different from their core goodness. As time marches on, this becomes more and more important.

[Miranda]

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/reason-season-lifetime/

Sometimes when I have questioned my relationships with others, this poem seems to always bring me some perspective.

I'm sure your friend is still your "friend". It just depends what role her "friendship" has in your life.

:)

[jessmarimba]

I have a friend that I considered, at one point, to be like a brother. We've drifted apart and I've rarely seen him for the last few years, since we live in different states. We pretty much hang out when he's working someplace cool and I have time to go visit (ie, Telluride Film Festival or similar events).

I was starting to get irritated with him when I knew he was the closest friend (geographically) when I was in the hospital and he didn't come visit. A few weeks ago he called a couple times at 2am and I didn't answer, and I woke up and found him sleeping on my couch. He'd broken into my house through a cracked window. Now...we're done. That was really not cool. But I haven't told him - I guess I'll just let the drifting stay drifted.

[Roadtrip]

I had a friend who I would consider distant. We struck it off and developed a bond that I wasn't really expecting, seeing she was old enough to be my mom, tho I found in her at that time someone I could talk to and relate to.

We talked about everything and anything. Crying together, laughing together, and I'd try my best to bring her around when she fought depression. She came to visit my family and I hers, but we drifted apart. I started my career and met my then-to-be husband and while we communicated off and on over the years, never to the depth that we once shared, for that I felt somewhat at fault... She made me feel at fault. Perhaps because I was living my life and she had already lived hers. I don't know, but it's part of the reason that I we drifted apart. I would send Christmas cards and Birthday wishes those small gestures weren't returned or even appreciated so that eventually stopped too.

Almost a decade goes by and I found that she had a Facebook page and briefly reconnected with her only to find that she was very sick and undergoing Chemo. She was very weak but in those last few months before the cancer took her, I told her that I enjoyed the times we had together and regretted the time we had lost. She admitted to me she wasn't mad at me, but that she simply wanted me to spread my wings and fly without her if need be, so we were "OK" when the end came.

I still regret not having been open years earlier so we could have had more then a few brief weeks.

In the end... you have to get busy living or get busy dying. No regrets.

Shannon

[shootingstar]

Roadtrip: A wonderful friendship story with a sad ending, but we are all human and frail at the end of life.

Jess: Your guy friend was pushing the boundaries of friendship by breaking into your home. Hopefully he knows this... the only exception I would even make would be a friend who was avoiding physical harm from someone else in a chase and friend had done nothing wrong to create the chase.

[tangentgirl]

Super corny, but relevant old Girl Scout song:

Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other's gold.

Now, everyone, in rounds...

[limewave]

I have a friend that was like a sister to me in college. She got married right away and moved far away. I moved back home. We live thousands of miles a part.

I don't like talking on the phone, so I don't call. She doesn't have a computer at home, so she doesn't email. But I have written her letters over the last 10 years, maybe 2 to 3 a year. I never heard back from her. But I just kept writing, letting her know I was thinking of her and what was new in my life, etc. Sometimes I sent pictures of the kids.

Last week I got the mail and about fell over. There was a letter from my friend! She apologized for not writing over the years but wanted me to know how much each of my letters meant to her and how much she looked forward to them.

:)

[Biciclista]

I had a friend that started from my childhood, when I moved away from our neighborhood she and I maintained a pen pal correspondence starting when I was 6. A few years back, her politics (anti muslim actually) was the last straw for me. I called her out on the carpet, and she sicced her older brother on me, a fanatical right wing type.He actually had the nerve to play throw up on things that happened when I was 4 years old and spewed enough invective to fry a chicken!!! (what bad thing did 4 year old me do? I had a potty accident at their house..)
It was bizarre and sad... thus the friendship ended.

[northstar]

I have a friend like that. We got each other through struggles in college, were really like sisters. Then we got jobs, started our lives, and drifted apart. And it is a little weird when we see each other, which is now maybe once, twice a year. It is what it is. While I'm sad that we aren't as close as we used to be, we were what we needed to be then, and are what we are now. No use trying to force ourselves back into the past.

[colby]

I definitely have friends that I've drifted in and out of touch with, that I've met in many different ways. When I look at some of the close friends I've met in my adult life and think of the possibility that we won't always be the best of friends as our lives change and we physically move or time just waxes and wanes, I just want to know in my heart that they are happy. I would like to be a part of that happiness, but knowing that I WAS a part of it means a lot, life finds a way of working these things out in the end.

I appreciate Facebook for its opportunity to revisit with some of my friends that I did lose contact with over time. I think of the friends I've had as a puzzle, except with different sized pieces. Some of them were around for a short time and might represent a small part of my life, some of them around much longer, but all must be there to see the big picture, or are missed when they are lost. Some of them have ragged edges, too, or might be one of those inside pieces that you have a heck of a time finding the place for. ;)

I definitely have some friends that I feel guilty about not keeping up contact with that I miss, but it's hard to woulda coulda shoulda everything.

And, I now have "make new friends but keep the old" stuck in my head. :p

[jessmarimba]

ohhh boy. Here's a new one, please help!

So a few nights ago I was talking to a (male) friend that I was close to since middle school but haven't seen face-to-face in about 5 years. He's drunk, and proceeds to tell me that he wished he'd made a move on me back in high school, and that his life had turned out differently. He's been married for 6 years to someone we both went to high school with, and apparently they first started talking when they ended up in the same town for college and he wanted advice about me. Well it's no wonder she's hated me for years! But...what do I do with him now? I can't un-hear all of that! And neither can his wife! Why do people do stuff like this?

Bleh...thanks guys.

[badger]

testosterone and alcohol never mix well. I'd imagine if he remembers telling you that, he's going to be very embarrassed, and I would think the next time you talk will be very awkward.

I guess it depends how good friends you were/are, and if you're able to see past it. Feelings aren't mutual, are they?!?

[lph]

I'd just chalk it up to the effects of alcohol and not put too much into it. In my experience people - myself included :o - do tell the truth when drunk, but also tend to put more drama and emotion into it than they really feel. So a one-time interest in you (which is maybe not too surprising since you were close once at a time when you both were single?) gets sentimentally blown up to a big lost romance thing once the beer glasses are on... He can't possibly know what his life would have been like with you instead of her, so that part, IMNSHO is nonsense.

It's awkward to hear this stuff, I know, but it's even more awkward for him, so if you can just grin, thank him for the compliment and let it go you'll be fine.