Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[BalaRoja]

It has been a while since I posted here and when I last did, it was about getting started in road bike racing.

Months later, I've done lots and lots of racing. I'd say my results have been pretty good with every race being a top 3, including TT's-crits-RR's, with the exception of 1 or 2 DNF's. I'm in line to win the cat 4 overall points for the season, as a first year racer even and a definite upgrade to cat 3 if I want it. That's the good part.

The bad part....problems at home, as in with the SO. As I've done more racing and had more success I've also put more time into the activity obviously. When we first met up, I wasn't exercising or active, so the bike racing is a new dynamic in our relationship.

The SO isn't into sports, doesn't get my interest in sports, and sees my "lifestyle" (the dieting, the hours of training/planning) as being a combination of decadence meeting obsession....a sort of "jock" thing. Then there's whole other angle where because of my now very athletic, very very lean build, the SO confesses I'm not nearly as attractive/desirable. These aren't small issues as you can see.

I'm a 30 something whose possibly missed the boat on a bike racing career, so I understand it is not going to pay the bills. Yet, I find it and the success I've had, immensely satisfying and rewarding. Not only that but channeling one's competitive drive into something healthy and safe.

I know you can cycle for 3-4 hours a week and be healthy but to be competitive usually requires many more hours and that only increases the further you progress. The planning, the preparation and the prioritization of riding when you race seriously is different than when you ride for fun, as I've done the latter and it wasn't the same.

The choices I have seem to boil down to a) keeping my relationship but cutting way back on cycling, probably giving up racing entirely or almost so, b) as you can probably guess, keep the training/sporting/racing pursuits but lose my SO. It does make me wonder though if pursuing racing or any other sport veryseriously means that your spouse has to also be an athlete or if things can work if your spouse isn't an athlete....

I know some of you would say the internet isn't the place for getting such advice and that that's what counseling is for. I won't necessarily dispute that, but I guess I'd like to just get some feedback in a semi-anonymous, open setting especially from those who race competitively/regularly, and who have experienced this.

I don't want to make my SO sound like a horrible person or ruining my joy. Obviously we've shared much and it isn't fair to create a one sided portrayal of things.

[Reesha]

If I were in your shoes, it might take me a while to come to this decision but I would probably side with my hobbies and pursuits over a SO that doesn't fully support my passions. I know that compromise is part of any relationship, but if you consider your success and training and passion for cycling to be an important part of yourself and your life, you should be with someone that can understand and appreciate that about you.

[Irulan]

Maybe some marriage counseling anyway? Obviously there are some issues here. I bet they were there before, but major lifestyle changes can bring them up to the surface.

People DO work things out when they have huge differences. It takes two, it takes being able to get your need met on your own (without depending on the other person for validation, being able to handle being along etc) but it mostly takes two emotionally strong and emotionally healthy people to make this work. My vote is for professional help before you give it up.

[arielmoon]

How do you feel about being fit and muscular? How does training and racing make you feel? How does your relationship with SO make you feel? Do you for see continuing your active lifestyle as long as you can? Do you see SO being in your life for the long term? These are question you could ask yourself.

Many guys feel threatened when women get in shape and possibly attract attention of other men. I know men that like chubby women because they feel more secure with them than being with a fit sexy confident woman.

[BalaRoja]

Wow, thank you, flattered to get several responses already.

Reesha - I appreciate the idea of taking time to come to any conclusion. It is a huge, huge thing indeed. Maybe I am just selfish, wanting my spouse who I love dearly but also this new passion and pursuit which has given me so much already. It feels like having your cake and eating it too?

Irulan - I'm completely open to that because I do care about the relationship immensely. I wouldn't want to walk away w/o feeling as though I'd simply quit rather than tried to work things out. A compromise of some sort seems like the right thing but figuring out the how/why of that, doesn't feel so obvious.

Arielmoon - intriguing question about self-image. Sometimes I miss my "girly" figure of my pre-race days (although I definitely miss my pre-race eating habits at times!!!) but generally, I'm also very proud of the body I do have now as I've worked hard. A lot of the other girls, who are darn fit themselves, at race day give me lots of compliments on my physique and how lean/fit I look. That's flattering when people you respect as competitors (and friends away from racing too), recognize your hard work.

As far as seeing myself doing this for a long time...I'd say I want to race seriously for maybe 2-3 years, more or less "see how far I can go" with it and then after that, keep riding but more for fun and less for competition. I recognize that as a 30 something, the window of being a competitive bike racer, at least at a high level, is pretty small and I'm at the very tail end of it.

[Irulan]

W

Irulan - I'm completely open to that because I do care about the relationship immensely. I wouldn't want to walk away w/o feeling as though I'd simply quit rather than tried to work things out. A compromise of some sort seems like the right thing but figuring out the how/why of that, doesn't feel so obvious.



That's why you find a good professional to help you guys sort these things out. A good marriage counselor help you ( plural you) to look beyond the obvious. Good luck.

Now, finding a really good marriage counselor, that is a whole different thread...

[zoom-zoom]

As far as seeing myself doing this for a long time...I'd say I want to race seriously for maybe 2-3 years, more or less "see how far I can go" with it and then after that, keep riding but more for fun and less for competition. I recognize that as a 30 something, the window of being a competitive bike racer, at least at a high level, is pretty small and I'm at the very tail end of it.

Does he know this? Perhaps he would be willing to sacrifice some time with you for a while if he knew that this was a relatively short-term goal...

[SheFly]

Ironically, yours is a story that I hear mostly from male rider/racer friends about their wives.

I consider myself VERY lucky that my DH and I share the same passion and goals. We train and race together (although he sometimes pushes a little hard, and I might push back - just a little). We are, however, an anomoly, I realize, so I'm afraid I can't offer much advice to you there.

What I do want to comment on, however, is your assertion that as a thirty-something you are at the "tail end" of racing competitively. I started my racing career on the road in my LATE thirties, and moved fairly rapidly up to a Cat 2 level, where I am currently racing - AT 42! And yes, I am still competitive... I also race with other wome in their 40s and even some in their 50s and 60s who are out every weekend at the races.

So, while you may think now that this is something that you will do for 2 or 3 years and then "give up", I caution you about that. Every year, I think "this is the last year - I'm not racing next year" and then, I end up racing again. It has become ingrained in me, and is part of who I am.

Good luck to you. I do hope that you and your SO can come to terms with your relationship as it relates to your riding/racing. Having the support of one another is really important.

SheFly

[BalaRoja]

That's why you find a good professional to help you guys sort these things out. A good marriage counselor help you ( plural you) to look beyond the obvious. Good luck.

Now, finding a really good marriage counselor, that is a whole different thread...

Oh I think you are right. I mean when I was in my early 20's, I went through lots of therapists/counselors, but I had to try several before it was a good fit. It isn't as easy as people think, you need someone who you feel comfortable with but who also is familiar and understands the dynamic of your situation. Like you say, finding the right one is a whole other thread.


Does he know this? Perhaps he would be willing to sacrifice some time with you for a while if he knew that this was a relatively short-term goal...

Ironically yes, I have mentioned clearly that it is a short term, 2-3 year, goal. We talked a few days ago and the SO said being with me feels like living with super athlete/woman and that it can feel like a black hole where nothing but bike racing matters. 2-3 years of which is intolerable.

So the other side of the coin as I see it: is any short term goal whose end you can clearly see, worth risking/losing your relationship? Maybe in 2-3 years I won't be anywhere near done with bike racing and it will become a way of life almost...for some people it seems to go that way. Or maybe it won't and I'll have gotten all the racing and competitive need out of my system...but there's a big part of me that thinks I would regret losing my spouse just to pursue this goal, no matter how much short term satisfaction I'm getting out of that pursuit...I mean in 5 years what will matter most, having a loving SO or having had a brief bike racing pursuit...


Ironically, yours is a story that I hear mostly from male rider/racer friends about their wives.

I consider myself VERY lucky that my DH and I share the same passion and goals. We train and race together (although he sometimes pushes a little hard, and I might push back - just a little). We are, however, an anomoly, I realize, so I'm afraid I can't offer much advice to you there.

What I do want to comment on, however, is your assertion that as a thirty-something you are at the "tail end" of racing competitively. I started my racing career on the road in my LATE thirties, and moved fairly rapidly up to a Cat 2 level, where I am currently racing - AT 42! And yes, I am still competitive... I also race with other wome in their 40s and even some in their 50s and 60s who are out every weekend at the races.

So, while you may think now that this is something that you will do for 2 or 3 years and then "give up", I caution you about that. Every year, I think "this is the last year - I'm not racing next year" and then, I end up racing again. It has become ingrained in me, and is part of who I am.

Good luck to you. I do hope that you and your SO can come to terms with your relationship as it relates to your riding/racing. Having the support of one another is really important.

SheFly

Hello SheFly, so glad to get your comments here too. You speak from experience I can tell and I need to hear that kind of perspective. I remember you gave me some sage advice when I first came on here, totally green to the sport, asking about all sorts of racing questions.

Being that I started riding last year and racing this year, I'd figured well, I was kind of late to the "racing game", so to speak. Obviously from your comments, that's far from the case.

But the more important thing is what you are saying about the whole 2-3 years and giving it up angle. Right now, after a long season, countless hours of training, dieting, etc...it is easy to feel like bike racing isn't going to be on the agenda for more than a few years. My friends and acquaintences that I race/ride with have mostly concurred about feeling tired and a little burnt out now so maybe it isn't uncommon. Going without racing for a while though, more than just an offseason, I wonder how or if I'd change my mind.

I don't want to resent my SO for this but I also don't want to risk my relationship for it either. I'm conflicted between feeling like I should pursue this and feeling guilty for pretty much sweeping the rug from under my SO's feet and something that wasn't part of the original package or deal when we started dating years ago.

[tulip]

All good advice. Irulan is very wise and I second her suggestion--strongly--to seek counseling. There are no doubt underlying issues of self-confidence and insecurities and guilt (you feeling guilty for doing what you love to do--how messed up is that??) on both sides. If I can see it without knowing anything about you, a counselor working with both of you can really make some headway.

Your 2-3 year outlook--does that mean that after 2-3 years you're going to go back to sitting on the sofa and eating twinkies? Or will you continue your love of the sport in different ways, such as riding, touring, even racing. There are plenty of opportunities for racing at the Masters level.

Seems like there's some way for you BOTH to compromise, although you are talking only about what you can do. We can't answer that.

[Crankin]

You've received some good advice. This is a hard decision to make. I would listen to SheFly. I am not a racer, but I have been around racing "people" for about ten years. Mostly, I see guys who are out there training, putting in the time, and their s.o.'s are very resentful. But, I even see this in people like me, who ride for fitness/fun/lifestyle choice, particularly, in the group I ride with. There are some very strong older men in this group, who have been riding for years; they are 50-75 years old. They ride incredible distances, do charity rides, and some don't have cars. I know some of them are married, and I have never seen their wives. On the other hand, there are also several very strong women (similar stories to the men) in this group. They are mostly single. Some are divorced, some never married. I wonder what effect cycling had on their status. Or maybe they are just single by choice and cycling has nothing to do with it. There are also quite a few couples like my DH and I; riding is the biggest part of our lives. Our vacations, weekends, etc. are planned around riding or some other outdoor activity. We do have a few friends that don't share this passion, but they sort of accept us for who we are.
For years, my DH sat on the couch, while I taught at the gym and was fanatic about my fitness. He play a little racquetball and tennis. No matter what I did, he complained about outdoor stuff. Then, he started riding when my son started racing as a young teen. I suddenly know how he had felt. We planned our separate activities at times that didn't interfere with family stuff, but eventually, I came around. It was a real role reversal and I hated being less strong than him. Now I accept it, although we are fine riding together.
Good luck.

[Desert Tortoise]

Say you do stop racing in a few years. What if you find a new passion, what then? What if you become an artist and he doesn't like the way you run around in paint splattered clothes for example.

Is it about the bike riding or about supporting you in something you believe in so much? Also, are you making an honest attempt at balance in your life? When with him is your conversation mostly about biking, training, etc.?

I don't know and don't mean to imply anything wrong. You noted this is your side only and there are always two sides to every story. And he is not here to give his side.

Notice the couples who get along well either share the same passion or support each other's passions. In other words, they may not share the same passion but share in the passion.

I've seen this in various situations. In military families some husbands live and breathe military life and do not respect the wives' roles, from stay-at-home moms to doctors. And the reverse has happened too.

But people who have more rounded and balanced lives tend to weather better. That said, there are seasons when the focus has to sharpen somewhat but, it is a season. Keeping perspective of what the agreed big picture really helps.

I agree with the others, counseling is a really good idea.

Best of luck to you.

[Biciclista]

I'm not sure if you gave up cycling that he would be satisfied. And how would you feel?

Although like others mentioned, there are two sides of the story, I cannot IMAGINE poo pooing that which makes my DH as excited as he gets about his crazy riding. He thinks 200k every saturday would be heaven. I think it's obsession. He wants to retire and take 6 months and ride across the USA. I say more power to him...
He loves the idea (of riding across the USA) and he's happy about it so I will support him.
Once or twice a year he does this 24 hour bike ride. I really hate this, it scares me to death. But I support it, because it's what he loves.

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

[lph]

We talked a few days ago and the SO said being with me feels like living with super athlete/woman and that it can feel like a black hole where nothing but bike racing matters.

This I think is a very important quote. I don't think his feeling is about you having a passion he doesn't share, it's about you being more important than him. Or him feeling less important than you. If he feels that you and your interests are dominating the relationship and he's just a minor player, no matter if he's "right" or not, he will feel resentful. I think I would too, to be perfectly honest, if my dh suddenly turned passionate about something I had no way of sharing.

I don't have much good advice to give, except that I think this can be resolved if he can somehow either balance your interests with some of his own, or join you as a team player.

[Zen]

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

In a nutshell.

[Kubla]

Your story struck a familiar chord and could have been written by me 20+ years ago. However, I agree with those who suggest counseling before giving up completely.

It can be very difficult when one's SO or spouse doesn't understand one's passions-and even worse when they are not supportive of them. My ex was a couch potato whose idea of a good time was sitting in front of the TV for hours with a box of Cheez-Its. He wanted me to spend my time the same way, so he felt threatened by my hobbies and activities. Whenever I lost weight and people complimented me, he said that I was "too thin."

Always jealous of my dogs and horse, he was also resentful of my horseback riding, bowling, needlework and reading. I can't count the number of times he sabotaged my plans-even though he knew in advance where I was going. As soon as he saw me heading out the door, he would find some way to hold things up. If I was entered in a dog show (only a few times during the warmer months) he'd stay in bed while I struggled to get all the equipment in the car, then would miraculously appear when it was all packed and ask if I needed help. Needless to say, he never showed up to watch us compete.

Over 15 years it was a battle to find the balance that would let me be even a fraction of the person I wanted to be-while attempting to keep his extreme neediness at a manageable level. I finally gave up when I realized I'd lost so much of "me" that there wasn't any more to give to someone else.

I hope you are able to work things out-but not at the expense of your identity.

[redrhodie]

I was just looking at this book in a bookstore:

http://www.bikeforlifebook.com/homepage.asp

There's a chapter that I think was titled "rolling relationships" which gives advice about your exact problem, which they refer to as "CWS" or cycling widow(er) syndrome. It's evidently a common problem for racers. I didn't read much, but it looked well informed and I almost bought it (but there was a line :rolleyes:).

I also want to say good luck to you. This cannot be easy. I can see both sides, and you will have to work out a compromise. Each of you will have to give a little if you want your marriage to move forward.

[Crankin]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.
I know that I am very lucky, that DH and I share a passion, but sometimes, even we think we are a little nuts. That's when we say we want to have a day like "normal people" and we sit on the deck and drink wine. But, I am with my DH all of the time. It didn't used to be this way so much, when we had some separate interests. I rarely, I mean very rarely, go out with girlfriends, although I do ride with a few other people and ride with a group. Because we are together so much, I really would not like it, if all of a sudden he was off doing stuff without me. I would not want to be waiting for him to come home from an all day ride every Saturday or Sunday!
I am just playing devil's advocate. I should add that my DH traveled 4-5 days a week for at least 15 years out of our 30 year marriage. Maybe we are making up for lost time...

[Irulan]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.

well, if one is going to venture into dimestore analysis, sure "lonely" could be the reason but there's also control issues, insecurity, fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unkown....

[Crankin]

It's true, change is hard for many, many people. I see it in my internship clients who come for therapy. I've seen a lot of change in my life and I am not sure how well I deal with it. I tend to "plow through" stuff, determined to deal with whatever comes my way, but in the end, I often end up with stress related physical complaints because of this. I don't like to spend time worrying about my choices!
But, I don't necessarily see it as control or fear of abandonment when someone wants to be with his/her SO and not be sitting alone at home waiting for him or her to return. I know some would suggest that the person sitting at home develop their own interests, but if this is not what you signed up for, yes, the rules have changed. This is why some people get divorced...
I guess i am lucky my DH feels the same way as me. Most of our closest friends are like us...

[snowroo]

, it's about you being more important than him. Or him feeling less important than you.

Or perhaps because he feels cyclng is more important than he is.

I think you have to think about

What makes you happy. What fills you up and evokes passion and excitement.

What are your priorities? What is most important to you in life.

How can you balance your priorities. Cycling competitively (in higher levels) is short term. Cycling competitively is not. Your level of competition and competitive goals change. I intend to compete till I die. I intend to stay married to this honey of a man I am proud to call husband forever.

Do you and your SO function as a team or individuals looking out to get individual needs met.

You might consider a frank and open discussion with him. What makes him happy. What does he want. What would happy married life look like to him. What does he need out of a relationship (note need not want). Wha does he want out of a relationship.

Negotiate. If your cycling is your priority and to meet your goals you can't give him what he needs then the ball is in his court to put up with it or leave. If a long term loving relationship is your priority then you might need to give a little. Give him an end date or an end goal that you work toward together. How much does he need. If he is your priority then your goals might have to change to competing against yourself (personal bests) or Mary Jones-Im-gonna-beat-you-this-time. Or change the type of race you compete in.

We want to have our cake (or powergel) and eat it too, but sometimes you can't. Darn it!

Your man probably feels bad right now. Of course he does. His world changed. He lost your time and attention. Now he's married to a hottie who he feels doesn't have time for him (just guessing). That leaves him in a pretty sucky place.

I would suggest counselling too, to figure out if there is a way for both of you to get your priorities figured out and both your needs met.

Good luck.

Be honest with yourself.

[smilingcat]

When one half of a couple is interested in a sport and other has no interest, it can be an emotional strain.

Lot of wonderful suggestion and especially from shefly and bicilista. One aspect of the typical relationship problem people have not voiced is maybe he is physically competitive in his mind.

Let me explain.

There are guys who feel that they have to be stronger, faster, and have more stamina than a woman. They may be a couch potato snorting Cheez-it in front of a TV. But when we the weaker sex starts out in endurance sport or in racing, their belief is shattered.

The reaction of SO are wildly varied. Some are okay with it, others react in negative fashion.

Irulan is so right. There may be some other issues and not just cycling. Counseling is in order.

FYI my ex didn't ride and when I said "I'll commute on my bike and you take the car to work... I would like to buy a new bike " $800 or so back 30 years ago. It didn't go over well. We ended up buying the sluggo a brand new racing bike. Bianchi. It was way too big for me to ride. Waste of money which we didn't have. and only one car.

Question for you is do you want to save your relationship? sounds like you do or you wouldn't be asking.

Will you be okay if you are limited in what you are allowed to do?

How would you feel if one day you wake up and realize that you let life slip by...

Is he more important in the long run?

Have you considered that racing season is just that a season when he sees a little less of you and will he be accepting of the compromise?

Again counseling is in order.

You are not alone, not the first, not the last with this perpetual problem we all face. There isn't a single answer. However, do pick the best solution that fits you.

Also look into training method which requires less time.

Wish you the best and welcome back to the forum.

[shootingstar]

For your hubby's sake, hope he finds a hobby/passion that is equal to your cycling passion.

What's going on with him, etc. really has nothing to do with your cycling or any other passion hobby /interest that you take up.

Wish you good counselling together if both of you are willing.

Am not sure but presumably you have 1-2 good cycling friends to talk about cycling with them often. It would be tiring to someone else who is not into cycling to hear about cycling often.


I share a cycling life with my partner. Neither of us compete but we're just long-time cyclists and his passion is greater in the sense that he is a cycling advocate working with municipalities for past ..well almost 2 decades.

I am not concerned for the future if we each lose our cycling passion/can no longer do it since we each already have 1-2 other non-cycling passions that we pursue also. It's just lying abit dormant at times, when cycling overtakes each of us.

Wishing you both lots of useful, thoughtful communication with one another at this time.

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I like the way you stated this. Maybe more nicely than I did! My DH and I are pretty much like you and your partner, although our level of involvement is pretty much even... although DH commutes to work and I am in school and can't commute right now. I will go back to that when I get a job (one of my main requirements for employment is that it's easily accessible by bike).
Sometimes I think we are the only couple who is happy being together almost all of the time. Interestingly, both of my kids are the same way with their SOs. Despite having some different interests (including cycling), they still make the relationship a priority.
I remember, about 15 years ago, my mom told me a few months before she died, that DH and I should find a common interest to do together, as our kids were getting to the age where they were starting to go off on their own a lot more. Little did she know...