Would you accept a monetary gift from a friend?

[limewave]

In a recent post I mentioned I was bummed (http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=37848) about having to cancel some family plans because our budget is tight. One of those was an annual girls trip I take with DD where we meet up with 2 of my very good friends, both who have daughters a similar age as DD. This is the only time we see each other all year. The trip, including lodging, expenses, meals, and misc would cost about $400.

One of those friends has offered to pay for DD and I to go. She has come into a bit of money and said she can't think of a better way to spend it than with her friends. She said it wouldn't be the same without us :)

This is very generous and thoughtful of her. I have some really great friends. But I just don't feel right about taking her money. We aren't destitute. We aren't starving. We have everything we need . . . I just think I would feel guilty the entire vacation.

[Veronica]

I would do it. Your friend would not have offered if it was not important to her. I'd feel a little weird, but friendship has no price, really.

Veronica

[Thorn]

She said
she can't think of a better way to spend it than with her friends

There's your answer....be a friend. Go. Have fun. Your friend's immediate payback is you and your daughter having a great time and sharing experiences.

Years from now when this time is a distant, happy memory and finances are more secure, consider doing something similar for someone else....or remind your daughter of the time so that in her generation she can payback the favor.

Yeah, I'd feel wierd, too, but, as my grandfather used to say when he'd give me something and I'd feel wierd, "Smile. Say, 'Thank you.' And do the same some other day."

[MartianDestiny]

She said

There's your answer....be a friend. Go. Have fun. Your friend's immediate payback is you and your daughter having a great time and sharing expenses.

Years from now when this time is a distant, happy memory and finances are more secure, consider doing something similar for someone else....or remind your daughter of the time so that in her generation she can payback the favor.

Yeah, I'd feel wierd, too, but, as my grandfather used to say when he'd give me something and I'd feel wierd, "Smile. Say, 'Thank you.' And do the same some other day."

I agree 100%. Well said.

[rocknrollgirl]

I would go without hesitation and either pay it forward, or return the favor someday. Good friends are a rare gift and you are luckyt o have them.

[Zen]

She can be my friend.

[SheFly]

I agree with the others. You have a great friend, and that is worth more than anything. As Thorn said, you can pay it forward later, when your finances are in a different place.

Go and enjoy.

SheFly

[nsandz]

I agree with the others. You have a great friend, and that is worth more than anything. As Thorn said, you can pay it forward later, when your finances are in a different place.

Go and enjoy.

SheFly

I feel the same!

[lph]

I agree with the others, (though I'd probably struggle with feeling uncomfortable too) but remember as Thorn said - she's not really giving you cash or a monetary gift, she's giving you the gift of being there and sharing this trip, because it will make her happy as well. You will be giving her the pleasure of your being there, so she benefits too.

I am sure she would like nothing more than for you to accept graciously. You can always consider paying her back with a gift of your time spent on a shared activity, rather than in money.

[artifactos]

Others have said most of what I have to say regarding acceptance or not.

You could make a scrapbook of the trip (and perhaps prior years) or a handmade gift personalized for her as a lasting thank-you!

[ny biker]

My $.02 is...it depends on the friend.

I used to have a good friend whose family had plenty of cash. He liked to buy things for his friends. He always insisted on picking up the check at restaurants. One day he showed up at my door with an air conditioner, because I didn't have one (never had one in my life until that day). He'd been at an estate sale and saw it and thought I could use it.

He once offered to lend me $100,000 to buy a condo. (I did not accept.)

Some years later, after we were no longer friends, I heard he bought a car for another friend because he felt her car was not safe.

He also enjoyed micromanaging the lives of the people around him. He got angry if he gave us advice and didn't accept it without question. Oh, and once he told me that his parents didn't like any of his friends because they thought we only liked him for his money. Which wasn't true, but I could certainly understand why his parents might have that concern. (Then again, it doesn't say much about what his parents thought about their own son if they didn't think anyone could like him for himself.)

Now, that's just my experience with one person. If a friend is offering money for you to join her on a trip because she truly wants your company and there are no strings attached -- explicity, passive-aggressively or otherwise -- then by all means go and enjoy each others' company. But if you think you might wind up paying for your trip in some other way, either now or in the future, then I'd think twice before accepting.

[moderncyclista]

She can be my friend.

She also, is welcome to be mine. LOL.

I don't think there is anything wrong with friends helping friends out. My mother ran into a tough spot and her neighbor gave her $200 bucks. Said she didn't have to pay it back if she didn't want to. My mother who is in her 60's scrimped and saved (it took her 8 whole months) but she paid her back. She understood she didn't have to, but she wanted to. The kindness was invaluable to my mother though. Enjoy the kindness of others. If you have an opportunity to pay it back, do so. If you ever have the opportunity to pass on kindness in other forms - do so also. You are blessed to have good friends. :)

[shootingstar]

If she truly does have the funds (Some people are impulsive, they really are but cannot afford such 'giving' of money long-term.), accept the gift.

But go to the get-together with some food/dessert that you have made to share with others. Or other stuff that you can make in advance to share with others. Get DD involved to help out too.

or burn DVDs of digital photos for everyone.. that records the event.

I no longer assume that everyone is "rich" /has alot of funds their whole lifetime. Not anymore. Too much evidence, otherwise.

[uforgot]

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't think that giving or lending money with friends or family works very well. $400 is a lot and if you are uncomfortable with it, then don't. Even though it isn't anyone's intent right now, you are asking for trouble in the future. And can you comfortably accept the cash/trip and not feel like you owe them from now until forever? Not worth it.

[PamNY]

Limewave, I think it's fine to let your friend help you if you are fairly certain she can comfortably afford it.

I've both given and accepted help in my life, and it's generally a good thing. Pay it forward is good advice -- and I'm sure you already thought of that.

[salsabike]

Depends on the kind of friendship. If close, I would, since we would both know I'd return the favor, AND close friends really like to help when they see someone they love struggling. Letting someone give is good too.

[colby]

Depends on the kind of friendship. If close, I would, since we would both know I'd return the favor, AND close friends really like to help when they see someone they love struggling. Letting someone give is good too.

I'm with salsa. I have a couple of friends that I would do this for, and some I would just say "we'll miss you" for. I have friends that might offer this to me and I'd know it would come with strings attached that I couldn't bear, and others that I know would give selflessly (or somewhere inbetween ;)).

A guy at work was snowed in and unable to drive to see his baby girl's first Christmas with his wife and parents, and couldn't afford the plane ticket. I paid for it. It meant a lot to me to be able to give to him the gift of seeing his daughter. I didn't really give him the option to turn me down, though. ;) I know he might not have the means do the same for me, but sometimes you need to stick your neck out and hope that they will pay it forward in kind, somehow.

It sounds like (and knowing you from your history here) your friend trusts that you will. :)

[bmccasland]

I would, but it would depend on the circumstances. I have certainly had the gift of time from friends - helping me move to a new town 100+ miles away - they packed me into my rental van, drove me to my new home, unpacked me, then drove back to their homes. I couldn't afford to pay their gas for the round trip, or buy them lunch, but they did it anyway. And in that same low economic period, when we'd go out to dinner (it was a large group thing), I'd be eating the "soup & salad special" or something equally low priced, because it was all I could afford, a steak dinner would show up for me. No-one would fess up to knowing who paid for the steak, but those were some of the best tasting steaks I've ever eaten.

[Biciclista]

i have a friend that i have considered buying an airplane ticket for so we could spend some time together. It won't happen otherwise. And that money? It doesn't matter. What DOES matter is how much fun we'd have together and the memories it would produce.

[Skierchickie]

I guess I'm in the minority - in a big way! I'd be extremely uncomfortable. I absolutely don't think there is anything wrong with it, and it is extremely generous of your friend. However, I'm just that kind of person, I suppose. If I had fallen on extremely hard times and needed the money for my mortgage or food, I would have to consider it, but I'm pretty positive that I wouldn't take it for something fun, however kind the offer was. I think my feeling on this is probably due to my parents, and the fact that they worked, worked, worked (farming), and rarely did anything for fun while I was growing up, especially if it cost money. We went on exactly 3 family vacations when I was a kid, and did that as inexpensively as possible. I never stayed in a motel until I traveled on the ski team in college.

People's definition of "necessity" varies. It's more about your gut feeling and the kind of friendship you have. In my case, I don't want to borrow money from anyone, even parents. After DH lost his job, his Dad offered to make some of our mortgage payments. I felt sick at the thought! We agreed that that would be a last resort. I do have to say that my DH is still drawing unemployment, and is going to school (career change). I am very uncomfortable with that, but he is following the rules of the program. We've had a few discussions.

More full disclosure - I'm a hermit, and don't have many close friends. This colors my outlook quite a bit. I'm just plain uncomfortable in social situations, especially with more than 1 or 2 other people. I can barely (and often bail out when the time approaches) make myself go to a Christmas or retirement party, let alone travel to socialize!

PLEASE remember that my response is based on my own, personal nature (weird as it is), and not a comment on whether I think it is right or wrong. It would be wrong for me.

[Kubla]

My best friend Marge was a caring, generous person. During a time when I would sometimes have to choose between buying peanut butter or toilet paper, she surprised me with a CARE package filled with books, gift certificates and my favorite food treats.

When she received a sizable inheritance, she sent a me a large check and explained that she could not enjoy the windfall knowing that I was pinching pennies every week.

I agree that there are some people with whom you feel there are strings attached to an offer. I would not accept if that seemed to be the case.
Then we have angels masquerading as people on Earth...

My friend has been gone a number of years, but whenever I have a little extra time or cash -I try to pay it forward in her memory.

[limewave]

I have to admit I was feeling really strange about her offer at first. But after reading all of your posts, I started to think I might accept it. She is a good friend. I know there would be no strings attached and no expectations.

Last night I discussed it with DH. He looked so defeated when I told him about her offer. I know he feels bad that I'm having to work 2 jobs right now and that he can't provide for us the way he wants to. He's working so hard. He has a family business with his parents, they are having health issues right now. DH is juggling 3 jobs and also trying to chase new work.

Anyways, all that to say, I think I'm going to tell my friend no. Missing one trip is not a big deal. DH has enough pressure on him right now without adding more guilt.

[shootingstar]

You are making the best decision for yourself limewave. Don't worry about it thereafter.

When things get better, the time will occur to have some fun.

If it was for food or shelter, it could be abit different.

[TsPoet]

Anyways, all that to say, I think I'm going to tell my friend no. Missing one trip is not a big deal. DH has enough pressure on him right now without adding more guilt.

Regardless of whether it's yes or no - I'd "pay" her back with a ?
I'm thinking a nice home made dinner, nothing fancy (or expensive!), hamburgers and good company to thank her for her offer.
If you are crafty, a home made gift, something small - just a token of "thanks".

[Bike Chick]

I think you are doing the right thing, Lime. You have to listen to your gut and after the reaction you received from your husband, I don't think it would be worth it. Men tend to measure their self-worth by how well they are providing for their families. There may be more damage to your husband's mental state than benefit to yours if you accepted.

I'm in the minority here as well and agree with Shootingstar, Skierchickie and youforgot. I am very generous and have done my share of anonymous gift giving and paying it forward. I have also been the recipient when I fell on hard times. During my divorce, my kids and I moved to a new town and I wasn't receiving any support from my ex-husband. Some of my coworkers suprised me with baskets of food and some money for groceries. I needed it desperately and was very thankful and appreciative but felt that it elevated them above me and didn't do much to help my already rock-bottom self-esteem. I paid them all back or returned the favor over the next few years and it bothered me until I did. I just don't think loaning money between family or friends is a good idea.

[ny biker]

I have to admit I was feeling really strange about her offer at first. But after reading all of your posts, I started to think I might accept it. She is a good friend. I know there would be no strings attached and no expectations.

Last night I discussed it with DH. He looked so defeated when I told him about her offer. I know he feels bad that I'm having to work 2 jobs right now and that he can't provide for us the way he wants to. He's working so hard. He has a family business with his parents, they are having health issues right now. DH is juggling 3 jobs and also trying to chase new work.

Anyways, all that to say, I think I'm going to tell my friend no. Missing one trip is not a big deal. DH has enough pressure on him right now without adding more guilt.

FWIW, my father worked 2-3 jobs while I was growing up just to pay the bills. We never had a lot of money. Most of our vacations were trips to visit relatives, staying at their house. When we did go anywhere else, we always went camping because we couldn't afford to stay in hotels. And going out to dinner was usually McDonalds. But my friend whose family had lots of money once described his father as "a ball of hate." I'd much rather have my parents than his.

[limewave]

We've already gotten so much help and support from our friends and community in small ways that have really added up. This particular friend was able to get baby formula for us at 50% of the price. And a relative works at Gerber and could get us boxes of baby food for $2-3.

I've also done bartering for services: we've exchanged for free lawn care (we had 8 stumps ground out), daycare services, piano lessons for DD, unlimited supply of bake goods and bread. We're really fortunate. I design a lot of race t-shirts so DH and I can do events for free.
:)

[Flybye]

I have done it for a friend too - gave her $$ so that we could go to a hotel for the weekend together and shop and play. It blessed ME to be able to do that for her.

[bcipam]

I have mixed feelings about this...

First off, we should not refuse "gifts". Gift giving is a pleasure for most and refusing to accept such gifts is disrespectful. That said, this isn't really a gift, something given in exchange for celebration, or congratulations etc. Your friend needs a partner or most likely she can't go on the trip. I have offered to pay for friends as well as I don't like to go on trips alone. That said, understand the nature and intent of the offer. Personally, if she is a good forend, I would agree to accept the "loan" but offer to pay her back later either in money, services or goods. I would definitely agree to pay for meals, or gas or other incidentals during the trip.

Only you really know the nature of your friendship and you need to weigh how this is going to affect that friendship. Another thing to offer... some time ago, I was struggling to pay off my credit cards bills. I had friends taking this trip or that and i wanted to go. I even had a friend agree to pay for airfare to Europe. I almost jumped at the chance but then came to my senses... I needed to get out of debt and not incur more. I needed to bite the bullet and for 3 years took no trips or vacations. Now I am debt free and can travel without guilt. I think you made the right decision....

[ClockworkOrange]

Twice this has happened to me.

When my best friend died she left me £250 (12 years ago). Could not refuse that one plus she wanted me to use it for a holiday, which I did.

Two years later, another friend wanted me to go on holiday with her and nothing to pay apart from spending money. My friend had been left some money from Eva Hart, at the time was one of the sole survivors from the Titanic, who I also knew, a really lovely lady.

I accepted and we both had fabulous time in Mykonos, Greece. We have been friends for over 40 years and despite no longer live near each other, chat weekly.

I guess it is nice to have good friends.

Clock