For those of us middle-aged, read on.

[HermitGirl]

Hello kids ~ I was out watering my roses just now, and wondering what the trick is to age gracefully , of mind, of body, and of spirit.

Before I comment further as to why I need to question it, I'd like to draw from the large pool of wisdom here on TE, from those mid-aged and older.

What do you think the trick is in aging gracefully?

[roadie gal]

I turned 51 in January. Here are some things that I've learned.

1. Turn off the TV. Don't pay attention to what is deemed beautiful on TV. It's unreal and unobtainable.

2. Laugh at yourself.

3. Try not to stress the changes that you see and feel. They're natural and right. The medical community (and I'm part of that) and the media makes it seem that being an aging woman is a disease. It's not. Accept what's going on and it becomes easier. It's not always pleasant, but it becomes less aggravating.

4. Keep trying new things. I did my first triathlon at 46. I got my first tattoo at 51. They don't have to be momentous things, just something new. Visit a new place, try a new hairdo, read a different genre of book, etc.

5. Did I say laugh at yourself? I meant it.

What I love most about being middle aged is that the pressure is off. I don't have to compete with the 20-somethings or even the 30-somethings. It's very freeing. I can be myself without expectations.

[HermitGirl]

I turned 51 in January. Here are some things that I've learned.

1. Turn off the TV. Don't pay attention to what is deemed beautiful on TV. It's unreal and unobtainable.

2. Laugh at yourself.

3. Try not to stress the changes that you see and feel. They're natural and right. The medical community (and I'm part of that) and the media makes it seem that being an aging woman is a disease. It's not. Accept what's going on and it becomes easier. It's not always pleasant, but it becomes less aggravating.

4. Keep trying new things. I did my first triathlon at 46. I got my first tattoo at 51. They don't have to be momentous things, just something new. Visit a new place, try a new hairdo, read a different genre of book, etc.

5. Did I say laugh at yourself? I meant it.

What I love most about being middle aged is that the pressure is off. I don't have to compete with the 20-somethings or even the 30-somethings. It's very freeing. I can be myself without expectations.Sweeeet ! Just what I needed to read. I will try laughing more, for starters. lol.... ha ! I so agree with the self image warping in contrast to medical commentary everywhere, and to media. I try to turn away from both, but that can be an isolating thing too, so it helps to talk with others about that. As for trying new things, very interesting... it *has* been some time for me. I'll think that over. In one sense, going back into >>> bicycling, is a biggy, though not new, it feels like it now that I'm 15 years older!

[shootingstar]

Agree with everything so far....and to add:

while physical problems that are natural (menopause, etc.) need to be occasionally talked about for solutions (and venting), also focus more on the good stuff inside yourself that you might have taken for granted...your mobility, creativity, etc. and make the most of it.

Roadie, you're a 1959 Aquarius baby too? :)

[jobob]

I turned 51 in January. Here are some things that I've learned.

Roadie gal, this is a great list. Thanks.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately, some of it having to do with the getting older thing. I think I'm coming out of it. :cool:
Excellent timing for this thread.

[HermitGirl]

Ooops, I just realized my profile didn't have my age/date of birth visible. I just edited it, and you can all see now... no more secrets.

[HermitGirl]

I've been in a bit of a funk lately, some of it having to do with the getting older thing. I think I'm coming out of it. :cool:
Excellent timing for this thread.Me too ! I go in and out. :( It helps to hunker with my peers though, and yak about it. Thanks for jumping in !

[staceysue]

What I love most about being middle aged is that the pressure is off. I don't have to compete with the 20-somethings or even the 30-somethings. It's very freeing. I can be myself without expectations.


That is SO TRUE.

I used to have a severe phobia of getting older. I thought turning 40 would be the end of the world. I had panic attacks thinking about it.

Funny thing is - I love being 40! When I turned 40 it was like a huge weight was lifting from my shoulders and I suddenly feel free. I'm free to be me!!

I love the gray streaks in my hair and I've stopped dying them. They're like trophies to me.

I'm training for old age as if it's going to be a long wonderful ride. I've found 2 sports I know I can continue into my 90s if I want to - cycling and XC skiing. We're making wonderful progress on our retirement plan, which is to be debt free and food- and energy-sustainable before we retire.

No more planning for "some day" for us, because "some day" is here. We're at the top of our game. We're healthy and happy and enjoying each day.

I also enjoy talking to older people. I met a man in his 90s a couple of days ago. He and his wife went for a 1000-mile bike ride on their tandem bike when they were 69, shortly after he had bypass surgery. He's run 69 marathons and he and his wife spend their time volunteering for the hospital - and truly helping others. When somebody has to have heart surgery and their spouse is left home alone without anybody to be with them while they're worrying, he and his wife volunteer to stay with the spouse. They visit and tell jokes, give them rides to the hospital and back, let them know what to expect, and help them through an extraordinarily difficult time.

I've found older people who are my heroes and my inspiration, and I am no longer afraid of aging.

I believe growing old gracefully is about shedding our fears and embracing it.

[HermitGirl]

I used to have a severe phobia of getting older. I thought turning 40 would be the end of the world. I had panic attacks thinking about it.Funny thing is - I love being 40! When I turned 40 it was like a huge weight was lifting from my shoulders and I suddenly feel free. I'm free to be me!! I love the gray streaks in my hair and I've stopped dying them. They're like trophies to me.

I'm training for old age as if it's going to be a long wonderful ride. I've found 2 sports I know I can continue into my 90s if I want to - cycling and XC skiing. We're making wonderful progress on our retirement plan, which is to be debt free and food- and energy-sustainable before we retire.

No more planning for "some day" for us, because "some day" is here. We're at the top of our game. We're healthy and happy and enjoying each day.

I also enjoy talking to older people. I met a man in his 90s a couple of days ago. He and his wife went for a 1000-mile bike ride on their tandem bike when they were 69, shortly after he had bypass surgery. He's run 69 marathons and he and his wife spend their time volunteering for the hospital - and truly helping others. When somebody has to have heart surgery and their spouse is left home alone without anybody to be with them while they're worrying, he and his wife volunteer to stay with the spouse. They visit and tell jokes, give them rides to the hospital and back, let them know what to expect, and help them through an extraordinarily difficult time.

I've found older people who are my heroes and my inspiration, and I am no longer afraid of aging.

I believe growing old gracefully is about shedding our fears and embracing it.Bravo StacySue! I think being good friends with your spouse/partner has a lot to do with it. I confess I am embarrassed about my mid-aged spread and feel under the judging eye of my very slim (and sometimes self-riteous) DH. Weight gain in Peri, not being the athlete I once thought myself to be , and which my DH admired, (nor the sexgoddess.. lol) really has gotten me down. I am trying to focus on *other* aspects of life which make me feel like somebody who is dynamic and charismatic (as I use to be), instead of frumpy and feeling I"m *no longer* who I use to be. In therapy with H. and working it out, but I am on the verge of dispair so much, getting more and more hung up about my body, which is choking out so much joy. I want to be past all of this ; the moodiness, the mind-mush forgetfulness.. and getting depressed about it. I so need to have a vision of myself in control of all of this ~ beautiful, not frumpy. Very personal, but there it is.

I feel like I'm in a slow trainwreck, and this is *not* the way to age gracefully... but rather disgracefully !

[staceysue]

Hermitgirl, it sounds like you have a lot of fears. I've been there - "on the verge of despair" every day for years. Meditation has helped me tremendously.

[mhami]

Being in my mid forties, I guess this thread applies to me. LOL. I'm going to answer this before reading on to see what the rest of you think. When I read on I feel that everyone else has done such a good job of answering that my response is not needed (or not as smart as everyone else's).

I think the key to aging gracefully is to keep up with the times. Learn new things and don't become overwhelmed by new technology. Of course, excercise and eating healthy are important too. Most importantly is to keep the mind active and try to keep a positivie attitude.

[HermitGirl]

Hermitgirl, it sounds like you have a lot of fears. I've been there - "on the verge of despair" every day for years. Meditation has helped me tremendously.Then lets add MEDITATION to the list ! For me, informally, daily (when I make it daily) hiking has been my meditation. Maybe you could elaborate about what youve found helpful?

[HermitGirl]

Being in my mid forties, I guess this thread applies to me. LOL. I'm going to answer this before reading on to see what the rest of you think. When I read on I feel that everyone else has done such a good job of answering that my response is not needed (or not as smart as everyone else's).

I think the key to aging gracefully is to keep up with the times. Learn new things and don't become overwhelmed by new technology. Of course, excercise and eating healthy are important too. Most importantly is to keep the mind active and try to keep a positivie attitude.That's the whole thing about 'polls', you must add your bit, regardless of whether it's been said already. Thank you !

[Biciclista]

Hermit girl, you don't have to show your actual birthdate, I wouldn't show mine for fears of identity theft.
I am going to be 59 this year.
Honestly, I don't identify with being "middleaged" any more. I'm looking to retire!
What to do? You MUST apply yourself to something that YOU think is meaningful for YOU. What are you doing? are you just making the motions as you rush through your day to day routine or are you walking the walk and talking the talk. That is, the walk and talk that are important to YOU.

Meanwhile, yes, since your body IS the vehicle that takes you through this earthplane, you have to take care of it... exercise, eating right, and that last thing again, your soul... Is your soul happy with your life?

[Catrin]

I am 50, and at this point I doubt that I will be ever able to actually retire... just too many debts for lots of complicated reasons. Of course I am quite some ways away from retirement and who can say what will happen between now and then?

I've finally learned to start being comfortable with the body that I have, and it seems the more comfy I am with it that it gets in better shape. Interesting thing, that! I do not worry so much about keeping up with the current things - if something new comes that seems interesting then I will try it, if it doesn't then I won't - that is one of the nice things about being 50 :p

I think the most important things are to be kind to oneself and others, learn new things that you enjoy, engage in whatever physical activities that engage you, and do something from time to time that stretches you beyond your comfort level.

I hated turning 30, that was a major head trip. 40 was pretty cool, but I feel better at 50 than at 40 OR 30. Rejuvenation by bike, indeed :D

[Crankin]

Birthdays have never bothered me. I think working with young people and exercising have kept me young all of these years.
I think I look pretty good for 56 years old... I take my health/fitness quite seriously, but not too much else! I feel like the crotchety old lady who has the right to her opinions.

[HermitGirl]

Thanks Biciclista and Catrin ! (I did change my profile details to only show my age, thanks) . I think becoming comfortable with my body AS IS is the FIRST STEP to overcome in this middle age thing. I am still quite athletic, and very healthy, just overweight. I can lose (some?/most?) of this weight, but even if I don't, I want to love myself, and feel sexy , charismatic , and dynamic *as is*. Part of it is the societal teaching women to see themselve's through the male's perspective, and I must change that. I never hated being in my 40's I just was shocked to see my waist line increase 10 inches in 10 years. I have been slowly, perpetually shocked at the changes, but enough... and now I just have to Snap Out Of It !

This is a great bunch of women here on TE, and I think joining up with my old passion of cycling and you all here was the best step I have made in years.

[staceysue]

Society teaching us to look at ourselves through the male perspective is such a huge part of our problems with our self image. Up until very recently, that's the only way I saw myself. My entire self worth was based on whether or not men found me attractive. I think that's what's so freeing about no longer having reproductive ability - it doesn't matter to me, anymore, what men other than my husband think of me.

As far as my husband goes - he doesn't dye his hair, so why should I? I told him I was growing my gray streaks out and he cringed. He said "If I'd wanted to be married to a woman my own age, I would have married a woman my own age." Funny - because he hasn't taken any of my suggestions about what he could do to improve his appearance. I told him that when he started dying his own hair and took the perpetual cigarette out of his mouth, we could talk about me dying my gray streaks.

We get along most of the time and have very similar goals, but he's 58 and has the typical chauvinistic attitude of men that age. It's so deeply ingrained that there's nothing I can do about it. My opinion of myself isn't based on how he, or anybody else, sees me. I've defined what's important to m in my life and I'm "walking the walk" as somebody on this thread said.

"I am who I am and that's all that I am!"

[HermitGirl]

Wow StaceySue, you've got some Sass ! I love it , and direly need some o' that attitude. In fact, I think I'm going to go hop on my mtn bike and ride a little while in the back woods here, and ponder all of this.

[Crankin]

StaceySue, I think your DH has a lot of nerve saying that to you! He thinks it's OK to have a double standard? I think it is definitely *his* perception/problem, because my DH and most of my male friends are of that generation and do not think like that.
I choose not to be gray, but my DH would never say anything if I did. He is a couple of years younger and has been gray for a long time. In fact, last night he caught a glimpse of himelf in the mirror and said, "I am completely bald on the back of my head!" He was seriously distressed over this, but I could care less.
I may want to look a certain way, but it's for me, not someone else.

[TrekTheKaty]

Well, I guess I'm going to be 39 this year--does that classify as middle age? I have more confidence and I'm more comfortable in my own skin than when I was younger. My stylist politely pointed out that it simply means I don't get any more birthdays--"You'll never get any older!" I don't mind the wrinkles, and I'm in better shape than high school. I always swore I'd never dye my hair or have plastic surgery, which means--it is what it is. My sister is 25 years older than me, and she is my inspiration. I don't view her as old. She had never been on a bicycle until 4 years ago. I can barely keep up with her.

While at a ride this weekend, I commented. "Maybe when I get older, I'll get one of those cool looking trikes!" Then I realized, I have trouble keeping up with my sister. Exactly how old would I have to be?!

It's all about self-confidence. I don't care what others think. Besides, my husband and all my girlfriends are older, so I don't get to complain about aging :)

[staceysue]

StaceySue, I think your DH has a lot of nerve saying that to you! He thinks it's OK to have a double standard? I think it is definitely *his* perception/problem, because my DH and most of my male friends are of that generation and do not think like that.
I choose not to be gray, but my DH would never say anything if I did. He is a couple of years younger and has been gray for a long time. In fact, last night he caught a glimpse of himelf in the mirror and said, "I am completely bald on the back of my head!" He was seriously distressed over this, but I could care less.
I may want to look a certain way, but it's for me, not someone else.


Yeah he DOES have some nerve, considering the fact that he's 18 years older than me and barely even looks in a mirror. He's naturally good-looking and does look younger than he is but still, the age difference is very noticeable because I look younger than I am. If I grow my gray streaks out people will stop looking at us and trying to figure us out.

Besides - it's time for me to sit at the grownup table. It makes me happy to look at people my age and their achievements and think "Wow - those are my classmates. I'm finally an adult." I don't like it at all when people think I'm younger than I am and treat me as if I don't have any credibility. I have been through a lot in my life, and I've achieved a lot, and I've earned every single gray hair.

DH has to have a hip replacement. He has congenital hip displasia and had reconstructive surgery when he was in his 30s. It's worn out and he needs a complete replacement. I'd like to have a few grays showing to help minimize the funny looks we'll get in the hospital.

Maybe it's not all guys in his age group - just blue collar guys in that age group? I don't know, but a lot of men his age in this community do have the chauvenistic attitude. I'm glad your husband and male friends don't - it's encouraging to hear that.

[marni]

I started bike riding at 57. At 61 I am much lighter and much more fit than I was was 4 years ago. I can (one time only) dead lift and press lift twice my body weight, and constantly ride in the highest gear and largest ring and still maintain a pretty good speed and routinely ride 40-50 miles a ride.

Several things combined to make me take charge of my life and determine to live each day to the fullest.

These days, my standard take is any day I can eat breath and pee without help, and don't have to lift the coffin lid in the morning is a good day.

marni

[TriMom217]

I always say, sort of tongue in cheek, that I'm not aging gracefully. But in all seriousness, it seems to be true. I had a real hard time with 30 but 40 was fine. Now at 47 and 50 being closer than 40, I'm ok with that too. I am mostly gray now and my husband has almost given up begging me to grow out my hair. Thanks to some help from our daughter on that one.

Physically, I can be a wreck at times. I seem to wear out and break down way to easy for my liking. Too many repairs done on an OR table for my liking. Rarely does my body feel like I can just get up and go, but that's what I do anyhow.

Mind and spirit? Sometimes I feel beaten by life in general. We got married much too young and have had more than our share of BS, including being haunted by the IRS for the last 8 years. Stuff like that just seems to find us, and even tho it usually works out in the end, I would be fine without all the drama.

Then there are the times when I think my husband must be from a different planet because we obviously don't speak the same language. There is no way he'd talk to customers or coworkers the way he speaks to me, but when I speak up I'm the bad guy. For the record, I'm the "pack leader" here, and sometimes his whining is enough to make me crazy. There are many times I want to just call it a day but then I feel guilty because I feel responsible for him. Sometimes I can totally understand why someone would want to fake their own death just to disappear!

I know I feel better when I get some exercise, so that's what I'm doing. I was going to be happy being an uninjured couch potato, but that doesn't work either.

I loved reading what everyone has written here. Good stuff.

[MM_QFC!]

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

- George Bernard Shaw

Amen to that!

[Bike Chick]

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

- George Bernard Shaw

Amen to that!

A double amen to that. If you will note, that's the quote on my profile and it's so true. I'm breathing down the neck of 52 and quit dying my hair 5 years ago. I think having your health and being happy are the keys to growing old gracefully. Yeah, my middle has spread a bit and I'm not happy with how difficult it is to lose the pounds but I'm active and looking forward to retirement. I'm also lucky to have a great husband to share these things with. He completed his first marathon last week and I a half-marathon. I'm proud of both of us. I'm not fast but I'm doing it and having a heck of a lot of fun in the process.

Part of the joy in being this age is that I have outgrown giving a rip what other people might think or trying to live up to their expectations. The hair is gray, I'm not a size 2 anymore, and I move a lot slower but I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin.

[Crankin]

It's interesting to note the range of attitudes here and also, how our particular life circumstances can color our attitudes towards everything else.
When I was young, I was married, briefly, to a real a**hole. I swore I would rather "be on the bus trip with the retired schoolteachers," than be married to another chauvinist. I am not sure how someone could live through the late sixties/early seventies and think he could continue treating any woman like a second class citizen. I've always been extremely outspoken about "my rights," which, when I lived in AZ was a bit uncommon. But, I managed to find my DH, who was determined not to replicate his father :).
You are right, Stacey Sue; social class sometimes (not always) plays a role in determining these attitudes. Or at least, the role models you see in your family.
I am lucky in that there is longevity and general "good genes" on both sides of my family. I have my medical "stuff," but it's mostly internal, and after my bout of undetermined medical issues a couple of years ago, I just have decided to ignore most of it, use coping skills like meditation, and keep riding my bike. I am a little slower, but, I am working on that. I wish my body didn't rebel against running, and it *is* hard for me to accept that I just can't do it without messing up my hip/back.
About twelve, thirteen years ago, I began gaining weight and looking very menopausal. My friends said, "That's just the way it is." I knew better. I hated the way I looked and felt and I was burned out at the gym. I had been seriously skinny throughout my thirties and pretty much at a normal weight for me from 40-45. My DH had started riding and I was secretly hating him for it. One day, in 1999, I went out and walked five miles, up some pretty big hills, without water, in 90 degree weather. When I came back, he said to me, "If you can do that, you can ride." Unbeknownst to me, he ordered me some shorts and a jersey, gloves, and a helmet, and set up his old mountain bike for me. He had to push me up a small hill on the first five mile ride I took. I saw changes from riding pretty quickly and life pretty much has revolved around the bikes since then.

[shootingstar]

It's interesting to note the range of attitudes here and also, how our particular life circumstances can color our attitudes towards everything else.
.....................................................................................................
You are right, Stacey Sue; social class sometimes (not always) plays a role in determining these attitudes. Or at least, the role models you see in your family.
I am lucky in that there is longevity and general "good genes" on both sides of my family. I have my medical "stuff," but it's mostly internal, and after my bout of undetermined medical issues a couple of years ago, I just have decided to ignore most of it, use coping skills like meditation, and keep riding my bike. I am a little slower, but, I am working on that. I wish my body didn't rebel against running, and it *is* hard for me to accept that I just can't do it without messing up my hip/back.

I no longer quite think at least for myself that genes affects much how one ages..at least in my own family. In the past 2-3 yrs., I've come to realize the enormous legacy that my mother, for it was my mother, responsible for home cooked meals that were mostly healthy in a deliberate way that set the DNA foundation /body type/size and overall general health DNA to the next generation. More of what we become what we were fed within the formative first 5 years of life, even as far forward as first 10 years in life.

What I'm trying to say that even if some of us in my own family gains alot of weight, the person still has the basic body /bone structure that NEVER changes ...if the person chooses to lose weight and become healthier once again. I've seen it happen to several family members already who have made an effort to lose weight and to become healthier.

The previous generation before my parents, lived only into their 60's and 70's .. some of it I'm sure due to lack of ongoing good medical care and preventive medical info. that was not immediately to alot of residents available in their home country at that point in history. Some it also due to stress of a more manual way of life, with less mechanization.

[OakLeaf]

I'm struggling with how to say this, but I'll give it a shot.

I think a lot of middle age in American culture is about "preventing death" and defining yourself as an object of the medical industry.

Accepting where I am right now has been all about rejecting that worldview. In the history of the world, only two deaths have reportedly been prevented: the prophet Elijah and the Virgin Mary - and those were anecdotal and in any event not accomplished by the medical industry.

I've decided that I'm utterly unwilling to sacrifice the quality of my life for the possibility of extending it (often for a rather short time). "Be here now" is my motto. (The flip side - how the medical industry would have middle-aged people live our lives - reminds me of that old saying, "The food is terrible! And the portions, they're so small!" :p)

I'm updating my Living Will... to be VERY tight and restrictive... and hoping that it will be respected if and when the time comes.

As a milestone, my 50th birthday barely bothered me. I had two goals to complete in the six weeks before that birthday - my first half-marathon and a notorious two-day bike tour that I'd been afraid of since I first heard of it over 30 years ago. So when the birthday did roll around, I was still riding the crest of that exhilaration (and wondering whether, in fact, I shouldn't wait until my 100th birthday for that first full marathon ;)).

JMO...

[lauraelmore1033]

Dang! We're supposed to age gracefully? I didn't even do youth gracefully, what hope could I possibly have for aging gracefully? (Says Pippi Longstocking at 47...). As for body image, well Dh thinks I am a goddess even though society at large disagrees quite strongly. Too bad. I'm stronger and healthier now than I was in my twenties, so I don't see what the issue is anymore.

[staceysue]

About twelve, thirteen years ago, I began gaining weight and looking very menopausal. My friends said, "That's just the way it is." I knew better. I hated the way I looked and felt and I was burned out at the gym. I had been seriously skinny throughout my thirties and pretty much at a normal weight for me from 40-45. My DH had started riding and I was secretly hating him for it. One day, in 1999, I went out and walked five miles, up some pretty big hills, without water, in 90 degree weather. When I came back, he said to me, "If you can do that, you can ride." Unbeknownst to me, he ordered me some shorts and a jersey, gloves, and a helmet, and set up his old mountain bike for me. He had to push me up a small hill on the first five mile ride I took. I saw changes from riding pretty quickly and life pretty much has revolved around the bikes since then.

Oh! That brings tears to my eyes! What a LOVELY man!

[staceysue]

I think a lot of middle age in American culture is about "preventing death" and defining yourself as an object of the medical industry.

Accepting where I am right now has been all about rejecting that worldview. In the history of the world, only two deaths have reportedly been prevented: the prophet Elijah and the Virgin Mary - and those were anecdotal and in any event not accomplished by the medical industry.

I've decided that I'm utterly unwilling to sacrifice the quality of my life for the possibility of extending it (often for a rather short time). "Be here now" is my motto. (The flip side - how the medical industry would have middle-aged people live our lives - reminds me of that old saying, "The food is terrible! And the portions, they're so small!" :p)

I'm updating my Living Will... to be VERY tight and restrictive... and hoping that it will be respected if and when the time comes.

As a milestone, my 50th birthday barely bothered me. I had two goals to complete in the six weeks before that birthday - my first half-marathon and a notorious two-day bike tour that I'd been afraid of since I first heard of it over 30 years ago. So when the birthday did roll around, I was still riding the crest of that exhilaration (and wondering whether, in fact, I shouldn't wait until my 100th birthday for that first full marathon ;)).

JMO...

I absolutely agree with you, Oak Leaf. Not just middle-age, but LIFE in America is all about preventing death! We all spend so much time and effort fighting a battle that we're guaranteed to lose, that we lose the joy along the way.

I've had a couple of cancer scares and I remember the extreme suffering I went through because I was imagining what it was going to be like for me to be forced to fight cancer. I wasn't worried about what the cancer would do to me, but the fight. I imagined myself losing my hair from chemo, getting sick from chemo, traveling to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, going through multiple surgeries etc. etc. I had a complete meltdown.

When we fight aging, we're fighting death. When we accept the fact that we're going to die, things get easier.

[Crankin]

I am the first to admit that I am petrified of death. While I don't feel like I am "fighting it," in the sense to prolong my life unnaturally, when confronted with the fact that I *might* have something that would cause me to die right now, I freak out. When I said my family had good genes/longevity, I meant that they all (except my mom) lived into their 90's, with a good quality of life for that age. My dad is 85 and still works. He has "stuff," but it doesn't stop him. He smokes and doesn't exercise; just think what his health might be like if he didn't have those risk factors. Three out of my four grandparents lived to about 92. They all looked great, had all of their intellectual faculties, and generally lived life to the fullest up until the day they died. My grandfather worked, selling scrap metal until his death. The younger people in his field were clamoring for him to retire, so they could steal his accounts! He didn't become financially successful until he was well into his sixties, maybe 70. I just want to be like them.
You know, Oakleaf, my mom had a living will. She was extremely adamant about "no extraordinary measures." But, when she was actually in the situation where her liver transplant had failed, her kidneys were failing, and her heart was messed up, she told my dad and brother she wanted to "keep going" with some of the extraordinary measures they were trying in the ICU. Although my dad and brother made the right decision when it was clear nothing more could be done, I think I know how she felt. She had only just turned 67 when she died; that's about ten years older than I am now.
I guess I am in that "generativity" stage of development now. I want to be around to pass the torch and see my grandchildren when they come. Yes, my life has been pretty good, and I have no regrets, so even though I entirely live to enjoy myself right now, I don't like the thought of dying, either. I don't think it's the medical establishment making me feel this way; it's me... based on the role models I have seen in my family.

[Zen]

I've been very close to death and I'm not afraid at all. I have no family to feel responsible for, just the dogs.
I'm poor and content and curious to see what happens when we die.
I must confess a belief in reincarnation, though. Surely I can do this better in my next life.

[roadie gal]

I've also had a near death experience. It left me with an appreciation for how easy it is to die, and how much there is to appreciate about living each day. I don't dwell on death and it doesn't scare me. I do try to actively be thankful for each day and to notice something about each day that's special. Today, for instance, I noticed that the buttercups are starting to bloom in some of the marshy areas when I was out with the dogs.

It's scary to think of not being around to "see what happens next". But the physical act of dying doesn't scare me.

[Crankin]

I can honestly say there is no way I could not be scared of death. I have a pretty large need for control, or at least using knowledge to ease difficult situations. Since we don't know what happens when we die, hence, the fear.
I guess if I was of a religious persuasion that emphasizes the "afterlife," I might feel differently, or at least to me, that is what helps some deal with this issue.
I try to concentrate on how I live my life in the here and now. But, death still scares me. I have a lot more stuff I want to do!

[OakLeaf]

I find it easy to say now that I'm not scared of dying, but I'm not at all confident that I wouldn't be scared in extremis. Which is exactly why I want a tight living will, and why one of the clauses in it specifies that any decisions I make while competent are not to be construed as voiding any provisions of it.

One thing I know for sure about myself is that when I'm scared, I make bad decisions. And I know that I'm not brave, not strong, not capable of living the life that some people do. If I can pre-empt it, I'd rather be spared the decision. If I'm not going to recover the quality of life I specify in the living will, then let me bleed out, don't re-start my heart, whatever.

[shootingstar]

One thing I know for sure about myself is that when I'm scared, I make bad decisions. And I know that I'm not brave, not strong, not capable of living the life that some people do. If I can pre-empt it, I'd rather be spared the decision. If I'm not going to recover the quality of life I specify in the living will, then let me bleed out, don't re-start my heart, whatever.

I don't deny that I am afraid of dying/death. But I fear not aging and never got depressed when I reached each milestone age, 30, 35, 40, 50 so far.

I have not got as far as Oak, about DNR. I have not thought about what I want.

As for quality of life, a few days ago I had a phone chat with my father who has prostate cancer. he is delaying his chemotherapy..tells me his test levels weren't as bad...etc. But the fact is that he has cancer and it will be deadly.

It was very surreal to hear ones' own parent sound so chipper ..and innocent. I don't think he quite gets it that it's deadly. but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was seeing this all abit wrong because this will pull him down into depression and surely, will affect his overall health negatively at a faster rate.

i believe my physician-sister is treading a careful line of leaving the final decision to father to decide when to have chemotherapy but warning him abit ....because when it happens will be a significant degradation on quality of life. He probably is delaying because he is afraid. He's 81 and this is not early bird trace of cancer. Chemo for his situation, will only control cancer growth at his age. That's it.

I am now more willing than ever before, to believe that a person's mental attitude and mental health towards their own aging, sickness and death, also contributes to person's longevity.
Other than the cancer, my father has no other health problems. None. No cardio, respiratory nor neurological problems. This is why it is so surreal.

Sorry, now this is tangential.

[staceysue]

I find it easy to say now that I'm not scared of dying, but I'm not at all confident that I wouldn't be scared in extremis.

I can definitely relate to that! I was all about saying I wasn't afraid of dying, feeling so calm and cool about the whole issue, then they found tumors on my ovaries. Actually - it was more like I had little ovaries on my tumors, the tumors were so huge. My cancer markers were elevated and there was a 50% chance it was advanced ovarian cancer.

When I walked under the sign that said "Oncology" into the doctor's office, I lost it. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't talk during the entire appointment. Thank God the oncologist said "I just happen to have time to operate tomorrow," because if I'd had to wait any longer I don't know what would have happened. I was up all night imagining how my husband and son would cope when I was gone. I sobbed until I was under anesthesia, woke up sobbing, and didn't stop until the doctor said "No cancer." I made them repeat it about 10 times. "No cancer? Is that what you said? Tell me again." I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I'm a nurse, and I've never seen any patient react as dramatically as I did. Yeah - I'm pretty much all talk and no walk on the "I'm OK with dying" thing.

[bmccasland]

First off, big hugs to StaceySue.

I was pretty much a blithering idiot when I had to get extra views on a mammogram, then an ultrasound because of something "strange". Didn't help that I had moved, and the prior radiology office couldn't find, or wouldn't send my films. The clinic staff was great. And nothing came of it.

Since then I've had two episodes of anaphalictic shock to the point of loss of consciousness due to allergic reaction to a wasp sting and eating squid and octapus. Got the "E-ticket" ride to the hospital the second time. The two brain cells that were still synaposing remembered that I had an epi-pen and maybe perhaps NOW! is the time to use it. No panic, just fade to black.

So when I've actually come close to dying, I was calm, or oxygen starved :rolleyes:. But tell me that things might be ugly for a while, and death could happen, then I'm jelly.

[ClockworkOrange]

Do you know something, I love it, I am now officially an OAP - Old Age Pensioner, 60 years and 9 days. :D

My 8 year old Grandson's card to me summed it up:


Don't worry
You're not OLD
...........just a wrinkly teenager


I watch very little TV, always seem to be busy but not sure with what

Have a lot of young friends which does me good and work with teenagers, nope, am not retiring just yet.

Once my broken back is repaired I will on my bike again, riding through puddles and being silly like a kid......maybe it's senile dementia!

I still like my hair spikey with highlights and I could do with losing a lot more weight but I also like to have fun and enjoy myself, even in the bedroom. :eek:

The last 10 years I am fitter and healthier than I have ever been, although more recently I do eat far healthier.

That said, I do feel a bit scared about dying, not so much scared just the thought of leaving everybody. :confused:

Just remember, "The older you get the better you get .......unless you are a banana"!


Clock

[Zen]

Don't worry
You're not OLD
...........just a wrinkly teenager
[/I]

I love that!

And you do look great.

[Harley]

If you spend too much time focused on dying you miss all the good stuff! So, I'm in denial.

Spent my 50's feeling old, not just sitting around, but lamenting about my 30's & 40's, focused on wrinkles and the stranger in the mirror...What happened??
Now I'm 60+ and feeling great. The old woman in the mirror is having fun! Last summer I took up backpacking again, love to hike and have 60+ friends who are crazy enough to join me.

This year after being diagnosed with osteoporosis, I started Mountain Biking again! Crazy, yes. But i feel like a little kid, love playing in the mud, and haven't been in this good of shape for...10 years!

Live on, you middle-agers, just don't stop, it only gets better!

[ClockworkOrange]

........................This year after being diagnosed with osteoporosis, I started Mountain Biking again! Crazy, yes. But i feel like a little kid, love playing in the mud, and haven't been in this good of shape for...10 years!

Live on, you middle-agers, just don't stop, it only gets better!

Harley, we have a lot in common and both called Sally. ;)

Clock

[HermitGirl]

The "I'm OK with dying" thing ~ well, that brings up a whole can o' worms for me. I go in and out of being morose and okay about it. More on the morose side these days. It seems that anxiety is the worst symptom of peri & menopause that I'm experiencing thus far. I think the whole issue about being afraid of death is more about peri-menopausal changes, hormones, hotflashes, fear of this, irritated by that. In fact, let me say that I'm afraid to the point of irritation of just about everything these days. Anxiety follows me around like a biting dog.

I have read bits of books like "Evolve Your Brain" by Joe Dispenza, and watched a documentary called "What The Bleep Do We Know" and I'm staring at another book a friend lent me, called "The Brain That Changes Itself", and I'm on to the trendy buzz word called NEUROPLASTICITY http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity, and the realization that all of this grief may just be thought patterns gone rampant. That is, my brain is getting so that it won't rest, is always churning over ideas and associating sad/angry/fear experience, all which is tremendously negative and physically dangerous stuff. Getting caught in these thought patterns seems to have a sequence to a very predictable end >>> loss, death, others dying>>> fear. Then the emtional "knee-jerk" reaction about most everything ~ if not on the verge of crying, then I'm mad and a battling cuss. I get no rest from myself I tell you !

As a side, is there anybody interested in reading about this 'neuroplasticity' stuff. I'm talking about the science of how we can train our brain to think positive, to visualize happy selves, to pump out endorphines instead of cortisol, it's heady stuff (pun intended) , but I am not interested in antidepressants . I feel active visualization and lots of exercize w/ healthier diet might be my only option for preventing total madness. I need to read the book again, it was difficult sciency read, and I dropped it in the middle. I would love it if some of you here joined me. "Evolve Your Brain" by Joe Dispenza, and/or "The Brain That Changes Itself " by Norman Doidge. There are likely dozens of books like this available, but these are good starters.

It's tough to reject the antidepressant option so that I can get out of anxiety, and instead to try to reach for something so far inside the core of my being, like with a pick and ax, but I know that relief from these biting dogs of my subconscious is possible. Spiritual Monks and Mystics have practiced for centuries this buzz word " Neuroplasticity ", and science is now making it available to everybody to educate themselves, and to ultimately change ourselves.

[shootingstar]

As a side, is there anybody interested in reading about this 'neuroplasticity' stuff. I'm talking about the science of how we can train our brain to think positive, to visualize happy selves, to pump out endorphines instead of cortisol, it's heady stuff (pun intended) , but I am not interested in antidepressants . I feel active visualization and lots of exercize w/ healthier diet might be my only option for preventing total madness. I need to read the book again, it was difficult sciency read, and I dropped it in the middle. I would love it if some of you here joined me. "Evolve Your Brain" by Joe Dispenza, and/or "The Brain That Changes Itself " by Norman Doidge. There are likely dozens of books like this available, but these are good starters.

It's tough to reject the antidepressant option so that I can get out of anxiety, and instead to try to reach for something so far inside the core of my being.

For certain cycling almost every day, is a good start hermitgirl. It is for me or if the weather is crappy, I do some stretching exercises, etc. As well as eating mindfully and healthily. One can never go wrong here.

i also think brain health is related to trying to learn something new each year. It doesn't have to involve taking a course. And it helps one's social circles and family members are people who enjoy learning about new stuff too. So you can share that new-found stuff with one another.

[mhami]

Yikes, we are going from middle age to discussions of dying. That was fast. The only thing I think of is that I am 45 now and my DD is 13 and DS is 11. That means when they are 40 I will be in my 70's and that makes me sad. I would have liked to be younger when they are older, but I guess that would have meant having babies in my 20's and I had not met my DH then so that wouldn't have worked. I just wish that time would go slower. Hours, days, weeks, and years pass by so quickly.

[Crankin]

HermitGirl, the stuff you spoke about neuroplasticity is very appropriate. I am in a counseling psychology program that is holistically oriented; there are tons of things that one can do to change your thinking, hence your body's physical reactions. Visualization, meditation, yoga, and plain old exercise are some of the proven ways to do this, along with cognitive behavioral training. A lot of holistically oriented therapists are against CBT, but, in my (meager) experience, it allows you to take control of your thinking, or cognitive distortions, which is really the root cause of our reactions, such as anxiety. I am not against medication, either, as I have been working with chronically mentally ill people; but for many of us, using the things you describe really work.

[PamNY]

HermitGirl, the stuff you spoke about neuroplasticity is very appropriate. I am in a counseling psychology program that is holistically oriented; there are tons of things that one can do to change your thinking, hence your body's physical reactions. Visualization, meditation, yoga, and plain old exercise are some of the proven ways to do this, along with cognitive behavioral training. A lot of holistically oriented therapists are against CBT, but, in my (meager) experience, it allows you to take control of your thinking, or cognitive distortions, which is really the root cause of our reactions, such as anxiety. I am not against medication, either, as I have been working with chronically mentally ill people; but for many of us, using the things you describe really work.

Not to derail the thread, but can you tell me why holistically oriented therapists object to CBT? Are the two mutually exclusive? No biggie, I'm just curious.

I also think discussing neuroplasticity is very appropriate in this thread.

[HermitGirl]

"Cognitive distortions" are a perfect description for what is happening. I want to relax about life ~ hence the thread "how to age gracefully", can't you tell?

I instinctively think the answer lies within the miles of trails and road, and purifying my diet of course. Meditation in Movement. Also I'm struggling with creative visualization, it's difficult letting go of my tenacious hold on (my perception of) reality , and not let a counter thought process analysing the very thing I'm trying to visualize (because it's not real, yet), ~ but I think that in the cognative sense, that is an awesome tool.

[Crankin]

Pam, I think the issue with not liking CBT is more that it is often the only "official" therapy approved by insurance companies, going along with the movement toward "brief therapy," etc. I kind of see it as similar to the "phonics/whole language" debate in teaching literacy skills. As a teacher, I was quite capable of teaching "skills" in the context of a holistic program, based on whatever I thought the kids needed, not a scripted program. I think a lot of therapists object to what they think is a "scripted" program.
Personally, I see CBT as another tool for my clients to use, along with the other things. It's most often quite successful with motivated, insightful clients, who know what they want to work on. On the other hand, I do a fair amount of "interpersonal process therapy," i.e. talking, as well as teaching meditation and visualization skills.

[Brandi]

I believe not taking things as seriously as I used to makes a big difference in my life. And yoga has helped me to quite my brain. I do look in the mirror sometimes and think "wow what happened to my eye's" and then I laugh. My husband still love's the heck out of me and still thinks I am sexy so that helps too! Thinking positive about things to come is a good motto too.

[Norse]

I try to live by this motto:

Tomorrow may be too late.
Live, think and act for today.

I don't want to have any regrets, or at least, not too many, when the time comes.

[Zen]

I believe not taking things as seriously as I used to makes a big difference in my life.

Amen.

I don't care if I'm the oldest person in my class and I don't care if you like my painting. I'm having fun doing them and in doing so I'm practicing my own method of 'neuroplasticity'.

[marni]

My father used to say the secret to ageing gracefully were the following 7 things to do daily.

do something for yourself
do something for someone else
do something physical
do something mental
do something moral
do something you have been putting off
do something you have been looking forward to

works for me although I have to admit that most days I don't always manage all seven items.

marni

[Crankin]

I'm definitely in the "taking things not so seriously" camp now. I have been accused of being "too serious," a "fun hater," etc. Sometimes people ask me if I constantly worry about my son, who is in the military. When I say no, that it's not productive to do so, for myself or for him, they look astounded. I want to say, besides the fact that he is doing what he wants to do, I am too busy riding, running, etc. and generally having fun to focus on what "could" happen.

[Bike Chick]

My father used to say the secret to ageing gracefully were the following 7 things to do daily.

do something for yourself
do something for someone else
do something physical
do something mental
do something moral
do something you have been putting off
do something you have been looking forward to

works for me although I have to admit that most days I don't always manage all seven items.

marni

I like your father's way of thinking!

[Bike Chick]

Sometimes people ask me if I constantly worry about my son, who is in the military. When I say no, that it's not productive to do so, for myself or for him, they look astounded. I want to say, besides the fact that he is doing what he wants to do, I am too busy riding, running, etc. and generally having fun to focus on what "could" happen.

I understand, Crankin. If you focus on what "could" happen, it would be paralyzing. When my son was in Iraq I couldn't let myself go there. I rationalized it by thinking that his chances of being hurt were much higher when he was at home driving in a car.

[Crankin]

Exactly.

[AMP]

Hey All,
Like many of you I was an athletic kid, had much success riding, 5th woman in the Davis Double Century, TOSERV back in '79, '80 and '81. Road my bicycle across Mississippi from Vicksburg to Birmingham, Ala in '73.
By myself. And I grew up in NYC.

Then I "grew up." I'm 57 now. I stopped riding in '82 and just started again two weeks ago.

I lost my fancy job in this recession, gained weight and got blue, and one day six months ago found myself watching a sitcom in the afternoon and weeping for the imaginary characters. Hell, commercials made me cry! I looked at myself not so much not knowing who the woman was staring back with back fat and a turkey neck, but so much worse, I could in no way relate to the woman I had been. That beautiful child that I was in my twenties....that's the person who was foreign to me. I had completely and utterly lost myself.

I don't know why or how, but I joined a gym and slowly, slowly, the absolute worse in every class I took from yoga to spinning, I began to come back. I lost the 18 pounds I had gained, and bought a new bike. I think that's the grace part in aging gracefully, the magic part.

I can't say how, or it would take far too long, but over the years I became afraid of the world. I don't know things that others seem to grasp effortlessly. I live in an intellectual bubble and quote the classics. I can empty a room with, "...as Swinburne said..." I can't cut and paste without losing everything.

I feel sometimes like giving up. Even after I bought my bike, I'd wake up in a panic attack. Then I found TE. And reading all these posts. I have felt like a ghost haunting them. But I'm not a ghost, or a forgotten menopausal woman. I'm just a little late to the dance.

[Bike Chick]

Hey, Amp, you aren't late to the dance, you're just in time! The party's just gettin' started!!! Glad you could come! ;)

[AMP]

Thanks BC. What's cracking me up about this thread is the relentless FEMALE spirit that keeps popping up within the most serious of discussions.
Ap