Cycling goals ruining friendship [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

limewave

03-30-2010, 07:10 AM

Where to start?

When I started riding I was very competitive. I did a lot of group rides with "the guys" who always tried to drop me. It was my goal to stay with them longer until one day, shazaam!, they couldn't shake me.

Then I had kids. I still rode, but with dd in the trailer bike. I found a new friend, "Sarah" to ride with. She is slower, takes a lot of breaks. It's been nice having her to ride with in the interim.

But, now my schedule has freed up and I can sneak out in the daytime. I've signed up for some late-summer and fall races this year. I'm working on dropping some weight and getting my body in shape.

I mentioned this to Sarah. Since she's her own boss, she decided she's going to sneak out so we can ride together. In fact, she's started an email list of everyone we know and is coordinating tri-weekly daytime ride schedules.

Here's the problem (it's multi-faceted): Sarah is very competitive. She wants to be fast. And she's very sensitive (HATES, LOATHES BEING DROPPED). But she's not as fast as I am, nor does she have the endurance or the drive. So when we're riding, we're taking lots of breaks. And, because she's coordinated these rides with a group of people, it takes so much more time out of my work day than I originally planned. For example, last Friday we drove over an hour each way to ride 7 miles of single-track (when I could have driven 15 minutes to ride 15 miles of single track in less time).

I do like riding with Sarah. She is a good friend. But I have very limited time to train. I have to make every (or at least most of them) workout count. I don't want to ride for 1.5 miles of trail then take a 5 minute break before doing the next 1.5 miles. I want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt.

What a cunundrum. I didn't want to keep my riding a secret. But I didn't expect her to "take it over." And if I do a ride on my own, her feelings will be hurt that I didn't invite her. I've seen this happen before with her. She has a vendetta against 2 other friends of mine because they dropped her on a group ride. She doesn't like riding with them because she gets dropped, but then she's also mad if they don't invite her. ???

Riding is a sport to me, a game. Getting dropped is part of the deal. It's what pushes me to work harder, push myself to the limits. Sarah doesn't have that same personality . . . I think it's more social for her? I don't understand exactly where she's coming from being that she wants to race and be fast. How can you get faster if you don't push yourself?

A rock and a hard place. :(

MartianDestiny

03-30-2010, 07:44 AM

Definitely a rock and a hard place.

It sounds like you are going to have to find a way to ride some on your own and go hard and some with her and just "hang out" (recovery rides). If she can't gracefully accept a "I have some training rides with set goals that I just really need to do alone, but I really like riding with you so let's still ride X, X, and X together" then that's her problem.

I always get dropped, yes, it hacks me off (insert nastier word ;)), but with myself, and if I'm not riding with people that drop me I'm not motivated.

I love riding with my shop owner as he's super amazing at knowing *just* when I'm going to pop and keeping me there without dropping me (and then of course 50 feet from the agreed upon "finish line" totally creaming my arse). Loads of fun and really tells me where I need to work. BUT, if she's not going to think that's fun (and it doesn't sound like she will) then it can't help either of you, which is unfortunate.

I have a friend that is slower than me and doesn't want to race. When I ride with her I attack the hills and then soft pedal the downhills until she catches up, rinse and repeat. When we get to a long flatish section we chat and pedal normally. But she has no problems realizing that I'm stronger on the hills than she is and that I want that exercise where she just wants to pedal up them in a lower gear.

limewave

03-30-2010, 07:52 AM

I always get dropped, yes, it hacks me off (insert nastier word ;)), but with myself, and if I'm not riding with people that drop me I'm not motivated.

I love riding with my shop owner as he's super amazing at knowing *just* when I'm going to pop and keeping me there without dropping me (and then of course 50 feet from the agreed upon "finish line" totally creaming my arse). Loads of fun and really tells me where I need to work.

Sounds like we would ride well together--as that is my idea of fun too :D

I love riding with DH but it doesn't happen often as we have to get a babysitter.

He'll ride out for set time and I ride out for 15 minutes longer than his set time. When he catches me on the way back he'll pace me, really pushing me to my limits. It's a lot of fun.

If we do a road ride, he'll zig-zag the route, adding 1/4-1/2 mile increments to his ride. When he does that, I'll go as hard as I can and he tries to catch back up. Then we'll soft pedal for awhile and chat. It's fun and we both get in our workouts.

shootingstar

03-30-2010, 07:57 AM

Cycling for you should remain an enjoyable de-stressor. Always.

Presumably she has no young kids? Still, it might be worth just explaining casually about your personal schedule to juggle things that need to be done vs. what cycling means in the mix of all this. Approach it lightly with always an offer of friendship. But no reason to stop riding with the other cycling friends.

You can't change someone like her at this stage in her life. She may have not yet realized that she is a more social rider.

Or you can consider occasionally to ride just with her in a less competitive manner.

You will change also. :rolleyes: Time will tell... but right now your personal schedule is tighter.

shootingstar

03-30-2010, 08:13 AM

By the way, don't use the term "social" rider on Sarah.

Remember randonneur riders are social riders too...they just ride fast and blab along.

I don't describe myself as a 'social' rider at all. Not a true recreational rider since my whole lifestyle is cycling-oriented.
Those 2 'types' of riders suggest the wrong stereotype of as unfocused, non-fitness cycling. Give us regular cyclists all a break!

So remember, to cut Sarah some slack. She considers her riding fitness and riding hard also. Just wondering if she enjoys cycling solo and can stay fit, motivated. Some of us can. :D

limewave

03-30-2010, 08:21 AM

Shootingstar--you make a good point.

I guess the difference between Sarah and I is more in training style and level of abilities. I just wish she would understand that I enjoy training a different way than her and to not be offended when I pursue that. But you are right, at this point, that is probably not going to happen.

And no, she has no children.

Jiffer

03-30-2010, 01:39 PM

I agree with what's been said so far. You need to talk to her. Tell her you have different goals and would like to work out some rides to do with her, but that you will be doing other rides on her own. There's nothing you can do about how she will respond. If she is truly a good friend, she will understand, even if it hurts a little. If she gets mad at you, maybe she's not such a good friend after all.

When my much stronger husband rides with me (and usually my friend), he usually pulls the entire time. This gives him more of a workout (even if not as much as he would get with a faster group or alone) and helps us ride faster than we might have ridden. Does your friend draft?

Sometimes my husband will choose to ride with us when wants to do a recovery ride. And, like others have mentioned, he'll ride hard up a hill and wait for us, or put it in his big ring and pedal in a super slow cadence which works his muscles differently. He finds other ways to challenge himself. However, most of his rides are with his faster riding buddies, and that's totally fine with me. Luckily, I am blessed with a riding parter and good friend who I am very compatible with. She is much faster than me on the hills, unless it's a short climb that I can attack or fairly low grade. This drives me crazy, of course, but it also pushes me to work harder. I am a stronger rider because of it. I have had to let go of the frustration of always being the last one up the hill. I am a faster climber than a lot of people, just not the people I most often ride with.

Like I said, if she is a good friend and you are sensitive in how you present yourself, she will understand. If she doesn't, you should maybe look for a new friend anyway. ;)

Pedal Wench

03-30-2010, 01:50 PM

kermit

03-30-2010, 01:55 PM

Thats a tough spot to be in. I have gotten so used to riding by myself that it's hard to ride with others. It my "ME" time. I would gracefully bow out of a couple of her organized rides and do your own thing when you want. If she finds out, well, you have a training plan and your own goals. If you do go on an occasional ride with her, you can sacrifice a little time to hang with your friend and not feel cheated to yourself. That's just my suggestion. There's always the middle of the ride "excuse me, I feel like hammering" that my husband occasionally throws in when he takes off.

shootingstar

03-30-2010, 02:29 PM

It feels as if Sarah has not truly discovered what she skills she is particularily strong in the area of cycling.

The comparison by benchmarking oneself in terms of combined speed and endurance to stay with a group should not be the only benchmark. Has Sarah ever met someone who rides solo alot but has ridden across a country solo also nearly every day to complete the trip?

My partner is like that...he's not one of the guys hammering it out with regular guy friends. He rides solo or with me. Occasionally with groups. He has done long distance, self-supported tour group rides.

He has cycled with, panniers and trailer solo twice across Canada and U.S. Then in New Zealand. We have to see abit beyond hammerhead guys that we see riding in packs in their team kits without additional pannier weight. Sheer strength and stamina is required to cycle 80-100 kms. every day for 45 days straight, with at least 10 days in mountain regions ..because one's plane ticket was already booked at the bike end destination. No shirking here and not for slackers/'recreational" riders. :)

It is so easy to judge other cyclists on the surface. Sarah is allowing herself to be sucked into that type of thinking: faster, must be better. SHe needs to be gently reminded cycling endurance and strength comes in different flavours.

lph

03-30-2010, 02:48 PM

I'm thinking you should maybe go easy on talking about the different goals and different speeds etc you have if she's competitive, and just try bringing up how you really enjoy riding on your own. If she has kids too that may help her understand. I'm known as that much of a loner that if someone asks "hey, shall we do this or that together?" I can say "sorry, not today, I need/want to ride on my own today, how about Thursday", and then I can make Thursday the social occasion. It's not about being anti-social or not liking her company, just enjoying all of other things that go with doing things on your own, freedom, concentration, time to focus and think, being free to get really cranky or upset without bothering anyone else ;)

Funny, I have the feeling men don't have to have these conversations that much. There isn't really any reason you should have to defend wanting to do something on your own instead of with a group of people.

Crankin

03-30-2010, 02:52 PM

I have to say I agree with everyone, including Shootingstar. Two things struck me. One, I am Sarah. I am not training, but I choose riding buddies carefully, because if they drop me, I get mad and frustrated. I've been known to cry during rides because of this. I don't need the breaks, but I now know who I can ride with and still feel good about myself. It's a constant battle between accepting the fact that I have become a little slower and the fact that I am fitter than 95% of people my age. I'm comparing myself with you guys! Yet, seeing someone whom I think I can drop gets me angry enough to try once in awhile. Frankly most of the time, I just ride alone or with my DH or with our friends. My closest riding friends (women) are both much, much slower than me. My rides with them are just as enjoyable. I just wait at the top of a hill. DH rides at my speed when he is with me; if he has the urge to go "faster" than he can go alone. I don't enjoy constantly trying to catch him, or being alone on a ride where we are supposed to be together.
The part about her getting mad is just immature. She needs to accept her level of skill and find people who are at that level.

tangentgirl

03-30-2010, 04:27 PM

ny biker

03-30-2010, 04:43 PM

You know, whether it's about cycling or basketweaving, this whole "having a vendetta" thing against friends sucks. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around friends. You shouldn't have to worry that they will be jealous if you ride alone sometimes. That's kind of ridiculous.

That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe you should plan a real training ride that meets your goals (the right location and distance for you) and then just tell her, you're doing this ride but it needs to be a training ride so your goal will be x miles/hour and you will only be stopping x times (or after x miles), and she's welcome to come along. Then if she wants to join you, she comes along and you stick to your plan. But if she gets angry, either because you're not doing her group ride or because she rides with you and wants to stop but you refuse or she gets angry that you dropped her etc. etc., then you don't own that issue.

Skierchickie

03-30-2010, 05:02 PM

I can relate pretty well with what lph said - been there.

As hard as it is, I think you'll have to just stand up for your "me" time, if you are committed to your goals. She's made this harder for you, by pre-scheduling your life for you. Fortunately, if this is turning into a regular group outing, you may be able to ease out of it easier than if it were just the two of you. Maybe you can try to meet them once a week, and use it as a recovery day, without coming across as saying "you're too slow". Hopefully, if your friend is getting other people involved, the pressure will be lifted from you.

Personally, I think driving time that eats into valuable riding time is grounds to say "Thanks, but I can't make it". I'm a poor one to talk - I have several friends who like to ski/bike/run in groups, and I prefer to be alone, or with one other person at a time - not in a group. I end up trying to avoid them sometimes, because I'd just rather be alone. I really like them all, and have fun with them, but something in my wiring makes me avoid groups.

Good luck. You are in a sticky situation. Tangentgirl is absolutely correct.

PamNY

03-30-2010, 06:59 PM

Tuckervill

03-30-2010, 08:19 PM

When I was training for a race this winter, I would just let people know MY ride plans - "I'm riding at 10am from X location, pace will be xx mph, and I'm going for 80 miles. Let me know if you can make it." That way, I get in exactly what I need, and if anyone wants to show up, they can.

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Else you'll be just like limewave, having your ride co-opted by someone else.

Karen

ny biker

03-30-2010, 08:25 PM

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Right, that's why I said that if the friend comes along you need to stick to your plan if she wants to stop to rest or gets upset about your going faster than her. Be firm but friendly.

tc1

03-30-2010, 08:57 PM

channlluv

03-30-2010, 09:19 PM

I'm with tc1 on this one. Stand up for your ride, sister.

This woman may hang out with you, but she doesn't sound like a very good friend if she's willing to hold you back like that. 1.5 miles and then a break? Seriously? How is that training for anything? What is she going to do when those new people she recruited get better and want more of a workout?

I also agree with Tangentgirl about the vendetta thing. That's nothing to hold a friendship together.

A true friend would push you to be the best you can be, even if that means you're faster than she is.

Roxy

crazycanuck

03-30-2010, 10:27 PM

*phew*..Good thing i'm not the only one who thought the same thing as TC1.

Limewave, you're training for MTB events ya? Why not just go out to the trails when you have *you* time..Forget about the other chick and go beat some trails up!

rocknrollgirl

03-31-2010, 02:38 AM

Hey Limewave,

I race mt bikes too. In our mt biking community we always separate training rides and social no drop rides. During my training seasons, I do not do any "social rides". I am social with my training partners, but I do not have time to do both types of riding in season. All the stopping makes me crazy when I am training.

I have had to have this conversation with friends, ( and relatives). If she is really a friend, just tell her the truth.

One way we have gotten around the situation is to go ride for an hour before the slower riders show up and then do some easy miles with them as a cooldown.

I wish we lived closer, you would love my gang that I train with!!!

indysteel

03-31-2010, 05:47 AM

Alright, this is gonna sound harsh but here goes.

You are being way too girly about this. You don't enjoy the group rides because of the drama, and because you " want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt."

The group rides aren't working for you. So stop going on them, and go out for beer with your friend instead. Women are never going to get where we should be in society and sports and everything else if we keep apologizing and worrying about somebody's feelings being hurt because we are good at something.

You don't have to be a jerk about it. Don't say "you're a slug and a drama queen and immature", even if it is somewhat true. We all fall short of perfection in many areas.

Above all, stop the analyzing and justifying. That's another girly tactic we use when we want to do something that we really enjoy. It gives you a thrill to ride fast and train hard, so do it and don't apologize.

Amen to this.

I do think women are socialized to care about everybody else's well being over and above our own. While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. I'm much better at meeting other people's needs if I generally meet my own first.

As for Sarah, Limewave, I think there's a tactful way to make sure you get your training rides in at times that work for you. How she reacts to that is not your problem. Given what you've shared about her, I'm not even sure she's really a friend worth having. In the very least, don't be bullied by her.
Respectfully stand your ground.

limewave

03-31-2010, 07:48 AM

You'all are affirming what I've been feeling. I just don't want to be a bi***. Thanks for the support! Riding is my "Happy Place" and it hasn't felt that way lately. It's been stressful and frustrating.

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding :)

ginny

03-31-2010, 08:16 AM

I tend to agree with lph, but I too am such a loner that no one thinks anything of me saying, nope, not today. I think that we, as women, maybe worry a lot more about being sensitive than men do. I don't think this is a bad thing. I too wouldn't want my schedule interrupted that much during the day - I think that's an appropriate excuse. Sarah (?) is that her name? was a good buddy when you needed one. Remember that and be sensitive to her feelings, but you have goals and that's okay. Sometimes just saying you can't make their rides is good enough. You don't have to explain that you are going on your own ride at a different time/location that day... but maybe that's just the loner in me talking...

zoom-zoom

03-31-2010, 08:24 AM

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding :)

I think the training plan is a VERY good idea! I have a close friend who I run with when it fits into my schedule. She knows this and is cool with it. She doesn't train with any specific plan, so she will often arrange it so that she can do a particular run with me when I am doing the run. She is a little bit slower than I am, so I always assume that those runs will be easier runs for me, which is good. She treats these runs as harder effort runs.

ny biker

03-31-2010, 08:35 AM

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding :)

You don't need an alibi. You are not responsible for her emotional problems.

This all started because you have goals for weight loss, fitness and racing. You don't have to apologize to anyone for working to meet those goals.

indysteel

03-31-2010, 08:45 AM

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding :)

I know you're probably being a bit facetious in saying that, but I think it bears repeating--at least to yourself--that you're not doing anything wrong--such that you need an alibi--in choosing to ride by yourself. I agree that there are ways to be sensitive to Sarah's feelings. IMO, however, the best way to deal with difficult people (be they selfish, manipulative, or hyper-sensitive) is to feel secure in your own fundamental right to take care of yourself and to act accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into thinking otherwise.

PamNY

03-31-2010, 09:36 AM

While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

What a wonderful analogy. I look forward to having a chance to use this in conversation.

Cataboo

03-31-2010, 09:38 AM

I don't think you need to worry about Sarah at all - she's coordinating group rides, so if you drop out - she's still got people to bike with.

Not that you need an alibi, but it should be perfectly reasonable to tell her, you've got a job, children, and a husband - when you have time to ride it's precious and you need to make the most of it right now.

I'm not sure why it's actually a problem - if I bike with someone that's faster than me, I feel absolutely terrible for slowing them down and do my best to keep up. I will stop and take a break if I know imminent bonking is about to happen or I feel like I'm going to over heat - but if I"m taking a break, I tell them to ride up ahead without me. It pushes me a bit as a cyclist - and then I make sure to give them about 20 chances to drop out if they offer to ride with me again.

I have a hard time riding with someone a slower than me - it's okay if you're just tooling around town and talking... but I can't get a workout out of it and it seems to hurt my "training/performance" over all if I do it too often.

ny biker

03-31-2010, 11:03 AM

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of great feedback--

I just wanted to add though, just because Sarah has a different idea of group rides or different goals for cycling, it does not really mean she has "emotional problems." A lot of people don't like getting dropped, it can be demoralizing (to them), and maybe her feelings were a little hurt by being excluded in the past. I think a lot of us have been there once or twice at some point.

I think you put it great, to explain that cycling is your "happy place" and to simply say that you need your alone time to train... but you'd love to meet up after or for a later ride.

Happy training and good luck!

She has a "vendetta" against people who stopped riding with her because she got too upset about being dropped. That is not an emotionally healthy response.

jp4995

04-01-2010, 08:46 AM

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/04/01/rr.men.choose.friends/index.html?hpt=Sbin

shootingstar

04-01-2010, 11:03 AM

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/04/01/rr.men.choose.friends/index.html?hpt=Sbin

Depends on the personality of the person-- male or female who have acquaintances to share common fun activities but aren't really close friends..and are able not to mix up the distinctions between activity acquaintances and close friends.

In a way, no different from having different 'friends' to share different facets of ourselves.

My closest friends do not even cycle much at all. But they are the ones who have known me for several decades. THough they are on slightly different paths, most interestingly on the health/fitness side, each of us have separately found our own individual paths to finding different types of exercises/sports and foods to help ourselves. We don't spend much time talking about this facet because that is not the original /real purpose of such close friendships have with these women. They will be there for me, even if I should lose interest in cycling (which I hope won't occur for the next few decades.).

Doesn't preclude other cycling-related friendships from developing further, but if a person feels at all slighted/competitive, the friendship will not deepen nor become closer for quite awhile, if that.

PamNY

04-01-2010, 11:51 AM

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/04/01/rr.men.choose.friends/index.html?hpt=Sbin

That is interesting -- in recent years, I've developed "special interest" friends and it's a lot of fun. But there are boundaries. For me, this was through birdwatching.

Hawks in NYC are a big deal and there is a huge emotional investment in the individual birds, so we shared some very emotional moments. I consider these people friends, but the friendship is limited. I was confused at first but now I'm really enjoying having this group in my life.

Thanks for posting that article. Also thanks to the OP; this has been a good discussion.

staceysue

04-02-2010, 07:11 AM

Where to start?

. . . . . .started an email list of everyone we know and is coordinating tri-weekly daytime ride schedules. . . Sarah is very competitive. . . . .HATES, LOATHES BEING DROPPED). . . drove over an hour each way to ride 7 miles of single-track . . . . 1.5 miles of trail then take a 5 minute break before doing the next 1.5 miles. I want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt. . . . she has a vendetta against 2 other friends of mine because they dropped her on a group ride. She doesn't like riding with them because she gets dropped, but then she's also mad if they don't invite her. . . . . :(

I did my first metric centennial last year (road biking) and I was averaging around maybe 14 mph (not on the centennial, just on regular rides) and I still haven't got up the courage to join the local group rides yet because I don't want to hold anybody back and I'm worried that they might be concerned about hurting my feelings and refuse to drop me. The last thing I would EVER want to do would be to hold anybody else back.

She's being self-centered and immature - and maybe a little manipulative. She sounds kind of high-maintenance.

On the other hand! It's always great to have group support in new endeavors and I, myself, would not want to mountain bike alone as a beginner. She went through a lot of trouble to get a group together to ride. If the others haven't surpassed her, maybe they will be willing to continue frequent group rides together and if they keep it up, she might be able to keep up with you at some point. In the mean time maybe you could go on rides with her occasionally to give her some support when the other riders can't go, but let her know that you've taken it to the next level yourself and that you're truly enjoying riding alone. If she's a good friend, she should be happy for you. You obviously care a lot for her and she should care for you as much.

Eden

04-02-2010, 07:22 AM

She sounds . . . . ? . . . . . like a very confusing person. She wants to be competitive and obviously wants to be the big leader or whatever - but over an hour to go 7 miles? Seriously??? Taking breaks after 1.5 miles?

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

staceysue

04-02-2010, 07:41 AM

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

OH! Sorry 'bout that. I've never been mountain biking, but I did once try to take my old cruiser down a mountain bike trail and I couldn't even go 1.5 miles. It was very hard.

I edited my former post.

tulip

04-03-2010, 06:05 PM

Limewave, sometimes when I'm having difficulty advocating for myself for whatever reason, I find it really helpful to act as my own agent. That is, act and speak as if I were speaking for someone else, like a client. If I'm acting or speaking on behalf of a client (even if that client is me), I tend to be looking out for the client as opposed to worrying about what the other person thinks. It always works and is rather empowering.

That might help you in this situation.

HermitGirl

04-28-2010, 03:30 PM

Well, I'm not even anywhere near a competative rider as you ladies are here, though maybe I once was over a decade ago (never raced). I want only to get back into riding, after many long years getting out of shape, but, I seem to have attracted my best friend who lives nearby into the sport as well. We are two slowriders happily riding the steep mtn that we live on, but, here's the catch ; we have different schedules and so far I've not ridden mostly because I'd be leaving her out. She is just a beginner, (but strong, and very able) and well, I feel guilty, like I'm 'secret training' if I plan to go out alone.

The sad truth is, she's had her bike for about a year now, and neither one of us has ridden much since she got her bike, because we want to 'ride together'. A year has proven that I'm not going to get fit waiting for her, and I really want to get started again. Feeling held back, and oh so out of shape, and I want to not blame it on this predicament, but sadly, ever since she got a bike, I've had very little incentive to ride on my own like I use to. It's not so much that the cycling goals are ruining my friendship, but my friendship ruining my cycling... period.

Can I ask for advice on this thread too?

featuretile

04-28-2010, 04:52 PM

I also felt a little intimidated about group rides and getting dropped. I don't want to slow anybody down, but I also do not want to ride by myself either. I started to pick group rides where I knew the route so if I ended up alone, it would not be a big deal. Or I would make arrangements to meet up with someone else who was close to my speed and stay with them.

A few weeks ago I arrived at a ride start and didn't really know anyone there. I asked one group ready to leave if they were doing the B ride and no, they were doing the fast, long ride. Then I asked a woman standing next to me what her plans were and we decided to ride together. It was great. We were perfectly matched. Now we call each other to see if we are both going on rides. It is so much fun to ride with someone that you don't have to wait for or will leave you in the dust. And I'm getting better, so we did get to the lunch stop when the club was still there.

I'm a newer rider and she's been riding awhile but is getting older and not as fast as before. She didn't tell me her age until we'd gone out together a few times because she was afraid I wouldn't want to ride with her. She's 71. That is absolutely fantastic to me. If I can do this at 71, I will be very happy.

Flybye

04-28-2010, 07:45 PM

From a counselors perspective this is not at all about getting dropped - it is about an insecure woman with friendship issues. She is afraid of being abandoned as a friend and the ride is just a metaphor. Blatant honesty with her about you being afraid that you will become another one of her "people I put on my vendetta list" simply because you have differing goals is the only and best way to solve the problem. Put the challenge on her to find a way to find a way to accept the fact that you can still like her AND go on bike rides without her.

lph

04-28-2010, 10:52 PM

I'm known as that much of a loner that if someone asks "hey, shall we do this or that together?" I can say "sorry, not today, I need/want to ride on my own today, how about Thursday", and then I can make Thursday the social occasion.
(...) There isn't really any reason you should have to defend wanting to do something on your own instead of with a group of people.

It's ironic that I wrote this just a short while ago, because it turned out I was being way too optimistic. As I've mentioned here elsewhere, in the meantime a friend of mine asked me to ride with him, I told him sorry, not today, I ended up riding on my own (I had planned to ride with another, new group but managed to mess up and miss it), and was "spotted" by said friend who went ballistic...

I find it completely bizarre behaviour, but if it's any consolation to those of you out there with friends who read all kinds of personal behaviour, wants and likings into biking, there seem to be lots of us, unfortunately.

From a non-counselors point of view I have trouble understanding how someone insecure and worried about being abandoned will do everything possible to actually hurt people to the point that they WILL be abandoned. What's up with that?

Crankin

04-29-2010, 03:26 AM

What's up with that is that they are continually recreating the abandonment that occurred in the first place. They don't know what else to do.

lph

04-29-2010, 03:34 AM

Okay. So any good tips on how to handle it? I'm not being facetious, I just have no clue.

Crankin

04-29-2010, 04:47 PM

Well, I am not sure what to tell you. You can point blank ask them, "Do you realize what you are doing?" This would be in reference to what they are doing to you.... and if you can, tell the person how it makes you feel, using non-judgmental language. if you know anything about their background, family of origin, you might have an inkling about what the original abandonment was. Maybe if you can get the friend to see his/her pattern with you, he or she will see that this is a common thread in their life.
But, really, one needs therapy to work through this.