Help! My ex BF bought me Christmas gifts!

[arielmoon]

This is a really long story I dont have time to go into. Short story is that my EXBF and I are still living together (in separate rooms) after breaking up a few months ago. He did not have enough money to get his own apartment and we get along ok so I didnt think it was a terrible idea. There are probably as many pros as cons. Of course he managed to buy a new/used Madone somehow :confused: Anyway, he has a history of not getting over relationships and I know this first hand because we broke up once before.

Last week he bought me a book on mountain biking because he was excited that I was going to give it a try. He then said that he had more for me for Christmas. It told him not to and he said he was going to anyway even if I didnt get him anything. For his birthday in Nov I bought him vegan cookies and that may seem odd but I got him a T-shirt for watching my dog while I was on vacation and he took it to mean we were back together or something. Hence I had not planned to get anything for him cause he will read it the way he wants to.

So this morning he gave me a ton of stuff including a refurbished kindle and a new pair of barn boots (he has bought the last 2 pairs for me as Christmas gifts in the past). He is spending the holiday with family across the state and I am going south to stay at my mother's.

Anyway it was really awkward and I told him that and he said he didnt have anyone to buy for (I did tell him to save it- but he didnt listen) and he didnt care if I got him anything. He said he loves me even if I dont love him.... blah blah blah

One of the gifts was a collage picture of me on my bike from different rides that he got blown up and framed. One was a belt made from recycled innertube. All very thoughtful.

I know that if his friends and family knew about this they would tell him to stop being a sap. My friends at the LBS told him not to buy the carbon handlebars he knows I want and I thanked them for that.

He is never going to move on emotionally if he doesnt move out and even then it will take him forever but I cant control that. Things are very unstable here at work and it is very likely I wont have a job in a few months. Loosing the income from a roommate would make it hard for me but at what price??? He is nosy and wants to "spend time" with me all the time.

I feel like I am beating my head against the wall!

And wow and this is the short story.... :p

Any advice?

[Irulan]

This sounds really unhealthy. I'd either kick him out ( he's a big boy, he'll deal with it) or you move out. You really can't move on until there's physical space between the two of you. Yeah, the economy is tough and all that, but what price your peace of mind and closure? Of course you can't control his emotional state, but you can control what kind of environment you live in and who you choose to be around. Prolonging it because he has issues getting over things will just make it worse for both of you.

[arielmoon]

It's my apartment. I have lived there for over 4 years. He needs to go! :)

[indysteel]

I think you know what you need to do, your finances notwithstanding.....

But to spell it out: Get a new roommate if you have to, but tell him he needs to leave. Give him a firm date by which he needs to do that. Do not negotiate. This is his problem to solve.

I would also suggest that you refuse the gifts. I know that may sound harsh, but drawing boundaries for people who refuse to draw their own is usually difficult. IME, you sometimes have to make a point of drawing them or they otherwise just don't get it. In my further experience, what you do matters a lot more than what you say with this type of person.

I have a friend (well, now former friend) who has gotten back together with someone no less than six times over the course of their relationship. Each time, he ups the ante of what he'll do in order to get her back. It's such an unhealthy dynamic, in part because she refuses to see how manipulative he is. From my perspective, your ex's gifts to you were not "thoughtful;" they were manipulative. The sooner you see your ex's actions through that lens, the sooner you'll be able to make the break yourself. Of course, that's just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Good luck.

[arielmoon]

I think you know what you need to do, your finances notwithstanding.....

But to spell it out: Get a new roommate if you have to, but tell him he needs to leave. Give him a firm date by which he needs to do that. Do not negotiate. This is his problem to solve.

I would also suggest that you refuse the gifts. I know that may sound harsh, but drawing boundaries for people who refuse to draw their own is usually difficult. IME, you sometimes have to make a point of drawing them or they otherwise just don't get it. In my further experience, what you do matters a lot more than what you say with this type of person.

I have a friend (well, now former friend) who has gotten back together with someone no less than six times over the course of their relationship. Each time, he ups the ante of what he'll do in order to get her back. It's such an unhealthy dynamic, in part because she refuses to see how manipulative he is. From my perspective, your ex's gifts to you were not "thoughtful;" they were manipulative. The sooner you see your ex's actions through that lens, the sooner you'll be able to make the break yourself. Of course, that's just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Good luck.

Yes! That is exactly how I feel. It is manipulative. That is one reason that I refused to buy him anything.

[Irulan]

Give him a deadline to be out. If he's not out by that date, have a back up plan with your landlord to a) change the lock and b) put all his junk out on the street. Then, do it.

[kermit]

He is obviously having trouble letting you go. A deadline is a must, and hold him to it. The gifts are just another way of keeping you close. Return them, regift them, put them on ebay it's up to you. He obviously does not want to be just roommates!

[lph]

Um. I have huge trouble refusing gifts because it is so ingrained in me that gifts are to be accepted and thanked for. But I agree, in this setting it is manipulative. He may not consciously know that that is what he's doing, but he is somehow trying to make you "soften up". If you want to be gentle, you could choose one gift, for example the collage, and say you'd like to keep it because it was thoughtful and reminds you of the good times you had (or whatever). But the others - if you can bear it - return them, just saying that you can't accept them because you are no longer a couple and it feels wrong to you. Don't go on about how wrong he is, stick to expressing your own feelings. Dare to be the "bad guy". Someone has to, in a break-up.

[shootingstar]

Choosing to keep 1 small gift and giving back the rest would make it easier for both of you.

In fact, it would be best if you could get back to home sooner than he, so that you could "help" him pack some stuff or whatever. So that he understands how serious it is for him to make a life change. It is a life change for him.

While he is manipulative of finding ways to stick around, also think he is finding not easy to move on. But now, your influence so far, is not helping the situation.

So have to modify your actions.

Best of luck. Just hoping your start of 2010 won't be too painful.

[tc1]

Give him a nonnegotiable realistic move by date. Advertise for a new roommate now to move in the day after his end date. Give him the last 4-6 weeks rent free, which will help him along. If you don't have pets to tend, and you can trust him not to rip you off, only come home to eat and sleep until he is gone.

[tctrek]

Definitely time for him to go. Don't feel bad, he's a big boy with a new Madone and I'm sure he'll be fine.

[Irulan]

only come home to eat and sleep until he is gone.


Now see, I don't agree with this. It's HER home first, maybe HE should be the one to only eat and sleep there? Who's in charge?If I felt so insecure/uncomfortable in my own home that I couldn't hang there, there would be something seriously wrong me if I didn't deal with it.

[tc1]

It is her place. But I have dealt with really clingy boys before, and unless one is willing to get really mean and nasty, they won't go away. And even being mean and nastiness can just play into their neediness. Best for the original poster to avoid engagement and just be gone.

[teigyr]

I've been on both sides. When I got divorced, I could have been perceived as being "clingy". I had so many regrets that I hadn't been a good enough person (and in some ways I hadn't been but then again he hadn't been either), that I could have fixed it somehow, and that things could have been different. The life that I had seen happening, didn't. I was fortunate in that my ex-husband was firm but really kind. He asked what I needed, he was there if I needed to talk or rant, but he was decisive in that it was over. I also bought him Christmas gifts...which he received graciously but it was still known that it was over.

I thank him for that. Had he given the gifts back, I would have felt worse. I was given the sense that he cared for me, that he had positive memories with the gifts, but it was still over.

I have been on the other side though and I wasn't quite as nice. Then again it was a short term relationship and he was really manipulative.

I wonder if there are mixed signals here. If it's over, then you move on (ie he moves out even if it's more convenient to have him there) because it isn't fair to him or you. *I* would have felt it wasn't quite "over" had that been me. I would thank him for the gifts sincerely. Those were NICE gifts. Be firm though in that he needs to move out. Be willing (maybe?) to help him find an apartment. These things were done for me and they made a really bad situation be not so bad in retrospect.

[bmccasland]

If he can scrap together the money to buy a Madone, he can pay rent. He needs to go. Set a date, Jan 15 sounds good. Tell him he has to find another place to live, another couch to sleep on, then have the landlord change the locks.

He's not going to move out under his own volition. Unfortunately you're going to have to force the issue. He'll try to linger as long as you'll let him. So you're going to have to be tough if you really want him out.

[arielmoon]

Thanks for the great advice everyone! I will post an update when I make some progress with this.

[arielmoon]

We had a talk last night and he is going to try to find something ASAP but I told him the end of the month was good enough.

I feel so drained from dealing with this!

[Tri Girl]

Talking is NOT easy or comfortable sometimes, so I'm glad you did it. Hopefully he'll be gone soon and you can move forward- without him. Hugs to you!!

[Tuckervill]

We had a talk last night and he is going to try to find something ASAP but I told him the end of the month was good enough.

I feel so drained from dealing with this!

End of the month is in two days! Did you mean January? Because that's a LONG time in a situation like this. Maybe he can couch-surf his friend's places until he gets something solid.

Karen

[arielmoon]

He has found a place and told me can be out by Jan 6th. It does leave me hanging a little bit financially but I dont want him to think I need him for anything so I told him it was good. Of course he was hoping I would ask him to stay and the resulting conversation had me up waay past my bed time.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

[Tuckervill]

Whew! Hold him to it! What's half a mortgage payment to your peace of mind?

I have a few sons. They sometimes say "ya, I'm going to do that by Friday." and then don't do the actual preparation that I think is required to get "that" done (like packing? like doing your laundry? like acquiring a suitcase?). So, even though I try not to nag because men hate nagging, I do start to panic a little and end up asking how I can help get them prepared to get "that done by Friday." I think it's my right to do so, and you better keep on him until he does it. You could even offer to collect his stuff in a corner of the living room so he doesn't "forget" anything. Don't let him off the hook!

Karen

[arielmoon]

That is a great idea. I will not let him off the hook. I am going to do a great big happy dance and run around my apartment nakkie when his out the door!

thanks again!

Jennifer

[Irulan]

I dont want him to think I need him for anything so I told him it was good.

But you DO need him to kick in some money, right? Don't be a wuss, ask for it.Why are women so worried about not being "nice"?

[arielmoon]

Well if he owes me money and cant get the apartment then it's not worth the money. It would just be some of the utilities from this month.

[Maxxxie]

But you DO need him to kick in some money, right? Don't be a wuss, ask for it.Why are women so worried about not being "nice"?

Don't think of it as being nice. Think of it as paying some money to get rid of a nuisance in your life. You know, like hiring a pest control guy :D

Max

[tctrek]

Jennifer -- you're on the right track! Almost there! Hang tuff and don't let any excuses get in the way of the goal to have your privacy and your peace of mind back. After everything you've been through, you are doing great!!

Terri

[Tri Girl]

I am going to do a great big happy dance and run around my apartment nakkie when his out the door!


yeah- don't do that before he leaves... you might NEVER get him out the door. :p;):D

[lph]

You're doing GREAT! It's draining, for sure, but that is the price of making hard decisions. Plus you're forced to make some of his decisions for him, which isn't fair, but there you have it. Keep at it, it will all be worth it!

[ASammy1]

Jan 6 is only 2 days away! Any word arielmoon? We are here for support!

[arielmoon]

Well.... I did not back down all the way but I did back down some. He went so far as to sign a lease but when I got back from my trip we had a long talk about things. Financially it is better for both of us to have roommates especially when my job situation is looking very dire (I am going to start a new thread asking for advice about that!)

So I laid down what was acceptable for him to stay and what was not. No emo displays to get my attention and no sales pitches to get me back. No weekly roller coaster rides!

This is a trial period until the end of the month. He seems to have taken me seriously and so far, so good.

[tulip]

Oh, yikes. Any chance of getting another roommate or finding a cheaper place for yourself?

What happens when you (or he) goes on a date with someone else? Or just stays out all night with friends? I just don't see this as a good thing, but I really hope that whatever happens is best for YOU. ((((arielmoon))))

[Maxxxie]

Wow. I really think you're setting yourself up for more headaches. And just because he's not being manipulative right now doesn't mean he won't be in the future - especially given his history.

Honestly, I'd be trying to find a housemate to take his place, or even trying to find somewhere cheaper to live. It's surely better than the stress of living with this guy, right?

Max

[arielmoon]

Like I said, so far so good and no stress.

I could care less if he brought someone home- that would get him moving on! If I brought someone home that would be totally different but since I am not anticipating any dating I dont think it will be an issue for a while. I think this will work for the moment. I am not committing to anything long term. Just till the end of the month.