The heartache of divorcing your bike shop

[TrekJeni]

The sadness associated with finding a new bike shop after years of wonderful service consumes me. I fell in love in that bike shop, I fell in love with myself, I fell in love with riding, I feel in love with the manager and I fell in love with his family.

A few years ago I started riding a bike as a new challenge to myself. I was sick and tired of looking at the same treadmill in the gym and I wanted to be outside. There was a phamplet for an MS150 ride and I said, "I can do that". First things, first, I needed a bike.

When I went to the bike shop I was totally overwhelmed with all the different bikes to chose from. A wonderful man didn't laugh at my price point and spent time with me teaching me about my entry level bike. That man would become my future father in law (for a few months anyways). I became good friends with the manager (his son) and we had become riding buddies. I shared stories of how unhappy I was in my current relationship and mentioned I was thinking about moving away. My bike helped me figure out I was in an unhappy relationship. Me, the open road, and my thoughts. I rode the wheels off that thing. Literally.

While trying to figure out if I was going to stay in a 7 year dead end relationship, I needed some parts. My significant other thought the price was too high and he felt that I should just give up riding. My friend, the manager, said he'd work something out and asked me to leave the bike so he could fix it. He wasn't going to allow someone to come in the way with his cycling partner and her cycling passion.

He scabbed together a few wheels to make me a new one and then called to tell me the bike was ready to pick up. I will never forget the day he wheeled that bike out from the back. It was fixed and at no charge. But that's not what he was smiling about. He had screwed some streamers onto the ends of the handlebars. Some pretty red and white ones to match my bike. I was in love. I was in absolute love. This man cared so much about me that he spent time fixing my bike for free and put silly streamers on it all to make me happy. He made me more than happy. I cried tears of joy at the shop that day while he and his father looked over at me and smiled. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me. I instantly handed over my heart to him.

We soon became a couple which then progressed into moving in together, which progressed into buying a home together and becoming engaged. We were to be married next fall complete with mountain bikes. Along the way, he introduced me to mountain bike riding and cyclocross. Two sports I now compete in. I have multiple bikes and they all have matching streamers that remind me how much he loves me. My teammates call me Streamers and I have a custom headset cap that is inscribed with Streamers Make Me Fast on my 29er. He gave this to me a few months ago for my birthday. When I received it, I cried just like the day at the bike shop when he wheeled my once broken bike out all fixed and I saw the same giddy smile I had seen 3 years prior when streamers first appeared on a bike of mine. What a happy day it was. I have bragged loudly and often to everyone at the trailhead that will listen that I have the most amazing person in my life.

My happiness is now gone as he has decided to break off the engagement. I sit in our house wondering how it could have happened. While I am coming to grips with being apart from the man I so much loved, I am just starting to realize that the entire sport of biking has changed for me.

I no longer feel happiness when I look at my streamers. I look down at my headset and cry. Do I take my streamers off all of my bikes? It's my identity. It's how people know me. It's my team nickname. It's what reminded me to not take life so seriously and have fun. It was who I was but now they make me sad. Very sad. I miss that smile of his. I miss it all.

And now I start the terrifying experience of wheeling my bikes into a new shop to be worked on. When splitting up the finances the other day, he stated that he would not work on my bikes anymore. He didn't want to get blamed if something wasn't fixed to my satisfaction (I can be a little demanding). He told me to take it to another shop.

The other shops have already extended their condolences (benefits of facebook I guess) and have welcomed me with open arms. I know that even as I heal from this relationship, I'm terrified of the day that I have to take my bike somewhere else and look into the eyes of one of his competitors while bawling my eyes out to fix one of my babies. I gave my heart away in his bike shop and it hurts to start all over.

(My therapist wants me to journal and I thought I would share this with you at the same time. No one other than "us" will understand that a bike shop is much more than *just* a store. It's where relationships are formed, stories are shared, bruises are compared and there's plenty of laughter.)

[crazycanuck]

Oh no :( ((((TJ))))

I hope you can re-brand yourself & still be the coolio biker you are. I read your race stories with much delight & will continue to read them no matter what you ride or what your bike has on it.

Take care of yourself.

C

[owlice]

TrekJeni, I'm so sorry.

I've been riding this year to get over heartache. It's hard. You'll get through it, and that you already have other bike shops who know and are welcoming... well, it's great that you have built-in support for you right there already. They understand it's hard.

You'll always be the "coolio biker" (as cc puts it!) you are, you know! Rebranded or not, you are the biker, not the streamers.

(((TJ)))

[Tri Girl]

{{{{TJ}}}}
My heart aches for you. As I read your post, I felt hour heart aching with each word you wrote. I'm so sorry for the loss of your relationships: your love and your shop. It will be very hard to move forward and find another, but you will. Take it one pedal stroke at a time. Baby steps. It will hurt for a long time, but you are strong and you will pull through. All my hugs and thoughts are with you.

[Biciclista]

I think you might have to replace those streamers. Get different colored ones.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I am guessing you understand more about it than you are sharing, as it should be.
There are more romantic guys out there.

take care and take it slow. Cycling is part of you, please don't give it up.

[KnottedYet]

There was so much I wanted to say when you first posted about this change, but I didn't even know where to start.

I still don't know where to start.

But I think Mimi has a good idea, changing the color of your streamers. The streamers are yours. No matter who gave them to you YOU are the one who adopted them. Choose new colors that mean something strong and new (and wise) to you and put them on all your bikes. It's a little symbol, but sometimes little symbols are very powerful.

[Mr. SR500]

So sorry. Try to keep your spirits high, and lean on your friends.

P.S. I've seen you at a couple cross races this Fall... just keep racing...

[OakLeaf]

((((((tj))))))

[Trek420]

(((tj)))) ride like the wind and let those streamers fly!!

[Owlie]

((tj))

[Running Mommy]

Oh man! I wish I was closer. We would take you under our wing, and you could join our family.
I just feel so badly for you, I want to reach out and hug you!! It's like a double divorce. UGH.
I hope you do find streamers of a new and BETTER color!
Please know that we all care for you here, and tho we can't be there in person, we are in spirit. And as for me, I will be sending you extra warm fuzzy arizona vibes (which means they are hot, but dry. No humid vibes here...:D ) for you to get thru this without too much more heartache.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Keep in mind that right now, all your bike memories involve him.
With the passage of time, you will be building NEW bike memories and experiences, and these will stand on their own.
Instead of your bikes just evoking sad old connections in your mind and heart, perhaps a positive step would be to start building up a few new bike memories to call your own. :o
New beginnings can start with just tiny little steps in a new direction. Make something small and good happen. Take yourself for a cappuchino on your bike.

I wish you well.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup Trekjeni. Allow time for your heart to heal.

But in time, may there be a good bike store for you. New friends to cycle with when you would like to cycle with others.

[Sadie]

Just don't know what to say.....there's lots of love here.

[kenyonchris]

I was married to the man that introduced me to cycling. I loved him terribly. When I look back on it now, I can see that he had his issues that made us pretty much doomed from the start, but that isn't the point, when I was IN it, I loved him with all my heart. And my cycling was tied to HIM. We didn't always ride together, but it was what we talked about and shared. It didn't work out for a variety of reasons, but our breakup was NOT what I wanted. It literally broke my heart. And I couldn't imagine riding without him. Every time I got on my bike I thought of him. It seemed lonely. No one to talk about, who knew where I was and what my goals and frustrations were and could be happy when I rode well and commiserate when I didn't. It was horrible. HORRIBLE. I didn't have many close friends that were just my friends, they were his, and I was included. So when we broke up, it just worked out that they stayed HIS friends (and it wasn't a nasty breakup or anything, it was very cordial, even friendly).

I had to pick myself up. It was, I must say. Dreadful. And it took a lot of willpower to just turn the pedals over. I literally did not know how to do it on my own. I got lucky. I recruited a few non-cycling friends into cycling with me. Since they were beginners, it forced me into taking baby steps, short rides instead of the long training rides...easy MTB trails instead of the expert loops I had done with him. There were few hallmark rides, so I didn't have to lament having no one to share them with, instead I took pleasure in watching the new riders get fitter, faster, stronger. And along with them, I got better.

I got a new bike. Two actually. I sold the ones I had purchased with him and filled my time building it and making it MINE. And, after a while, cycling became mine again. It took time, but it happened.

And now I have a wonderful man in my life. He rides, and it is different still. Things change. Nothing stays bad forever. Just keep turning the pedals over. Change your music (if you use it, with the obvious caution), change your helmet, change your streamers, change your bike, to whatever extent you need to make it YOURS not OURS in your head. It helped for me.

In the meantime, you have friends here.

[tprevost]

((((tj)))) my heart goes out to you, I'm sorry to hear this :( but you will get through it... there are lots of great words of wisdom here, keep peddling.

[Trek420]

(((tj)))) listen to
.... after a while, cycling became mine again. It took time, but it happened.

keep pedaling. And oh, by the way if my Ex-DPITA who got me back into riding is lurking here ..... brphhhhphttttt :p ;) :rolleyes: She picked a fine time to leave me (while my Dad was dying) but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do I suppose.

My oh my I'm much happier now than I was then and I've got a much better ..... bike on my arm than she has now.

Yes, that's it. I've got a better bike ;) :p :cool:

Living well is the best revenge. Ride baby ride.

[Zen]

She picked a fine time to leave me
Her name wasn't Lucille, was it?

[spindizzy]

Her name wasn't Lucille, was it?

Here I am feeling very sad for TJ and Zen pops a zinger! Guffaw!!!!

TJ, listen, maybe print Kenyon's (and those before her) wise words, she's been there.

((((TJ))))

[Trek420]

Her name wasn't Lucille, was it?

Remind me not to read Zen anything while drinking tea. It's good I have that plastic thingy over the keyboard that KnottedYet gave me specifically for Zen posts. :)

I think I can clean the screen. :p

No, not Lucile :rolleyes: and I kept the bike shop. :p

[Zen]

I figured it was a good time for a chuckle :)

[Trek420]

or a round of beers .... or chocolate. :cool:

[KnottedYet]

Chocolate, beers, and hugs for (((((TrekJeni)))))

[shootingstar]

Reflecting on TrekiJeni & kenyonchris where their love of their life, at that time, was tied from beginning and into relationship to cycling.

Cycling is tied with dearie from nearly the start of our relationship (let's see, nearly 18 yrs. ago) and infuses our lifestyle. The wonderful thing is discovering more good surprises each year that have absolutely nothing to do with cycling.

As for the difficulty of cycling without loved one...when he and I lived apart for 2.5 years since his company forced him to relocate to Calgary and I stayed in Toronto for career reasons: I found myself avoiding 1-2 bike particular routes. And instead cycled routes that avoided passing by his former home in Toronto.While I already did some solo cycling when he lived in the same city, it was the painful knowledge at the beginning of our long distance relationship, he wasn't immediately around in the same city.

So I rode solo for 2.5 years except for the times we visited each other in each city.

thankfully we phoned each other longd distance each evening to share the day's stuff. Always a pleasure...even now for the times he has gone solo touring in the past few years in Europe or across North America.

I do recommend every woman cyclist to become strong and learn to cycle also alone happily...those times will happen ..or forever, one day for those of us who do have cycling loved-partners.

Don't mean to be negative, but to treasure those rides together --now. And not fight/argue on the road much.

[tc1]

Here is what helped me over the marriage breakup, we had been part of the same group and lifestyle. These things are so individual I wouldn't dream of saying this works for everyone. It is what worked for me.
1. Spend lots of time exercising that beautiful dog.
2. Throw yourself into your job for awhile, and accumulate as much money as you can. This is not a permanent way of life, cause it is not healthy longterm, but it is a good short term way to more independence. Don't stint on taking the dog out though.
3. Thank the fates or deity or whatever you believe in that he is being relatively kind and mature about all this. Make this your mantra "he is not a psycho stalker". This breakup could have ended much worse. If you have a bit of a morbid streak, read a couple Ann Rule books.
4. Don't see him. Not for coffee or anything else. If you must meet to discuss business, bring a friend. And if you see him by yourself anyway, bring contraception.

Be strong. You will feel better after awhile.

[Wahine]

(((((TJ)))))))

I have another tip. Go away to a cycling camp. Preferably one for women. Go ride someplace you haven't ridden with him before. Immerse yourself in other people who ride and don't remind you of the ex.

And, of course starting a new relationship at this point is not a good idea but it is a great way to meet people. It's how I met my current BF and a lot of my good new friends over the last year since my breakup.

Take care and keep riding.

[OakLeaf]

Wahine, that's a great idea.

If you can afford it, I highly recommend Women's Quest (http://womensquest.com/). Not all of their camps involve cycling, and the coaching is minimal, but the great thing is that they do a lot of emotional work in addition to the athletic parts of the day. It's a wonderfully supportive way to kick-start your moving forward.

[Running Mommy]

I hope you are doing well tkj! Please check in. Lastnight over a tasty dinner of tamales w/the running family I recounted your post. Running hubby said "tell her to get a different colored streamers. But she should keep them if she loves them. Maybe a different color. And she should have a new stem cap made w/ a saying that reminds her that she is strong." I was kinda shocked that he actually had input, and kind of impressed actually.. ;)

[Pedal Wench]

Not sure how it relates, but...

This weekend, I went down to visit my BF. We went for a long, long ride, ending up in a National Park. We found a new road to explore and realized it looked vaguely familiar - we both remembered that we had been on that road, on bikes, when we dated the first time around, 25 years ago. Who knew then that life would circle us back together, years later, on our bikes, together again.

Life goes on, and sometimes takes you right back to where you always belonged.

[indysteel]

I'm so sorry TJ. I have known similar heartache, so my heart goes out to you right now. It does get easier; I promise.

[Atlas]

(TJ) I'm in tears just reading this and thinking about my shop. Everyone has stellar advice and I can't think of anything to add. But you are a strong woman (we all are) and you'll get through this.

[tribogota]

ENTER NEW LIFE PARTNER! ready......TRIATHLON, ta daaa, you keep cycling, you learn to swim and run, it takes up a lot of time, you can grieve and move at the same time, what could be better.:D

I am very sorry about the break up. It is sooooo hard to lose something we love.

[featuretile]

I can feel how sad you must be. I was divorced and it was an awful time. But, now I am married to a much better guy. Things will eventually change. I would suggest that you join a local cycling club so that you don't ride alone and feel miserable. Make some new friends and don't stop riding!

[channlluv]

I hope you are doing well tkj! Please check in. Lastnight over a tasty dinner of tamales w/the running family I recounted your post. Running hubby said "tell her to get a different colored streamers. But she should keep them if she loves them. Maybe a different color. And she should have a new stem cap made w/ a saying that reminds her that she is strong." I was kinda shocked that he actually had input, and kind of impressed actually.. ;)

Where do you get custom stem caps made? I love that idea.

I also love Wahine's idea of going off on a retreat.

And KenyonChris, your words were beautiful and profound. Thank you for sharing your story there.

And Tribogota, excellent suggestion. Swimming, I've found, is incredibly therapeutic for my spirit.

(((tj))) - no words, really, just hugs
Roxy

[AnnieBikes]

Try this for custom caps...you have to navigate a bit to find what you are looking for but they have lots of cool stuff. Click on one of the caps, then click "custom" or "purely custom" at the bottom and you can get your own saying.


http://www.purelycustom.com/c-31-road-bikes.aspx

[cylegoddess]

You know, I got into cycling thru my BF. I was in heartbreak over my relationship. I knew he was nice but I knew I needed to wait , so ...I got into cycling.
I used the bike to get over bad chronic illness.
This is what I learnt;
You may be lonely riding, but no one can take away what riding does for you. As it was said to me, its hard but YOU ARE ON YOUR BIKE!
Many elite riders, have rode better for hardships and such. No comfort but it may be nice, maybe if you go in some races ( easy if you haven't done any) - and do it for YOU.
You had good times together. That was good.Now, the times are for you again.
I have learnt , riding alone( often while incredibly ill and no one much cared) - that we are our own heroes but not everyone understands we don't need to suffer , to do this. So they hurt us, because they are afraid. Dont be. Just Be.
When you do meet that someone, who is like you - I promise you, it is so good. Even if you have to wait a long time. And it wont hurt. Even when its hard.

[cylegoddess]

When I said to the BF, who lives across country - are you going to be ok without me

He said, yeah.I will. I have a bike.

[Ered_Lithui]

Just wanted to add my e-hugs.

I love the idea of getting new streamers in a different color scheme. Since it's December, maybe you could use a bunch of those silver "icicles" for a seasonal twist. (Though they may be a wee bit fragile.)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm rooting for you!

[Mr. Bloom]

TJ, you know we love you!

Here's something new to replace the streamers...your favorite cookies!

I still endorse the idea of different colored streamers...BUT, you could change your team name to "Cookies" or "Chips"

http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa201/MrSilver1963/DSC04614.jpg

[channlluv]

Or "Dadgum-what-was-that-blur-that-streaked-by-so-fast-we-couldn't-see-who-it-was?"

Okay, maybe different colored streamers is the way to go. Got anything in hot pink, or pretty silver? Silver is a goddess color. I've always loved it.

More hugs.

Roxy

[channlluv]

Try this for custom caps...you have to navigate a bit to find what you are looking for but they have lots of cool stuff. Click on one of the caps, then click "custom" or "purely custom" at the bottom and you can get your own saying.


http://www.purelycustom.com/c-31-road-bikes.aspx

Thanks, Annie. I've just spent about fifteen minutes looking through all their stuff. Cool, indeed. Now to think of something to engrave on the headset cap.

:)
Roxy

[TrekJeni]

I want to thank everyone who's weighed in publicly and privately to this event in my life. I'm still very confused and devastated but going to move on. One can not love someone enough for the other person to stay and I am at peace with that. I wish him the best but do not believe he will find happiness until he finds happiness within himself. This is something he has struggled with since before we met. I was naive to think that a man with no relationship experience would understand the amount of work a real relationship takes. It's just unfortunate that he remained silent for almost two years while buying a house and asking me to marry him to figure out that the feelings he felt were not real. I will treasure all of the experiences that we shared and knowing the outcome now, I would still have invested the 3.5 years that we spent together.

Through this, I have realized that people value me as a person and I've had an amazingly diverse network of friends, teammates and colleagues wanting to help me through this. I believe this experience has brought me new friendships I never knew were possible. I am thankful for this as I am relying on them heavily right now.

I hope everyone has a very happy holiday. Remember to treasure what you have as it's not always as it seems.

Jeni