biking partners

[kenyonchris]

Ok, someone slap me (either way).
I have been sort of dating for the last 6 months a guy who is a great, kind, smart, wonderful man. He is a super cyclist but bikes on his own, he prefers to bike alone. In fact, he pretty much prefers to be alone. He has been married twice to women totally wrong for him. He says he loves me, but has made it perfectly clear he doesn't want another marriage. In fact, we are a once a week sort of thing, although he calls me every day. I am totally crazy about him, but also trying to be realistic about where this is going.

So I meet this other guy, who is a kind, sweet, smart, financially stable guy. He is a recreational cyclist and happy to ride with me. Attractive in sort of a nerdy kind of way. In fact, he is totally nuts about me. And we are very similar in many ways. The problem? I am tied up with guy number one. I feel disloyal to him even getting to know guy number two. I told him I was going out tonight and he says that he just wants me to be happy, he was honestly appalled that I thought he would mind. He says, "we are what we are."

I don't know! Help! I know ya'll are total strangers, don't know me or him or the circumstances....and I am fine with NO guy, but this seems to be a particularly hard choice. So words of advice?

[salsabike]

Are you totally happy with what you are getting with Guy Number One? And you may be...if you are, dandy.

If not, you owe it to yourself to get to know any other people who interest you. Heck, you owe that to yourself anyway. I don't mean this flippantly. I REALLY mean it. If you want to get to know Guy Number Two, please do. It doesn't mean you're making an irrevocable choice yet.

[bouncybouncy]

Be honest with yourself. Your relationship with guy #1 "is what it is"...once a week, never going any farther...and he likes to be alone!

I was in a similar situation, he was my rebound guy, I knew he did not want marriage or a serious commitment so I did not fool myself thinking he was going to change. While in that relationship I met my now hubby...I told rebound guy I was going out with someone one night and he was actually happy for me and wished me luck!!! haha...I thought at the time that was the silliest thing but later figured out (just a week later) he was sincerely happy I found someone who makes me happy and wants what I want!

Rebound guy was truly a great guy and we did not fool ourselves that something may come of our relationship...and he is happy "just dating".

If your guy #1 is serious about not wanting more...he is not going to change. Are you happy with that?

[redrhodie]

Give #2 a chance.

[ekcjwc]

If guy number one doesn't mind you hanging out with guy number 2, then take the time to get to know guy number 2! You are not being disloyal because he is aware of the situation. It is really nice to date and/or marry to your best friend who enjoys spending time with you!

[deedolce]

I LOVE sharing the bike with a guy. Seeing new places, new experiences. Finding romantic places to dine, shared memories and adventure. It sounds like guy #2 is one that's open to a more complete relationship with you, if that's what you want! I've dated someone like #1. I was just 'filling time' for him. I'm sure he says exactly what he means. He knows you deserve to be happy, and he must know he can't be that for you. Just my thoughts...

[Tri Girl]

I think you owe it to yourself to get to know guy #2. If you're OK being in a relationship with someone who you know may not be going anywhere, then stay there. If you want more, you deserve to get everything you want and be totally happy.
What is your heart telling you to do?

[kenyonchris]

I made myself sick over this last night. I felt horrible that I was going out with guy #2. And he is a nice, sweet guy. Kind of a dork, as opposed to guy #1s total coolness in all situations. I just don't want to hurt guy #1. I had thought I would be OK with just what he could give me, no more. But I don't know that that's right.
Sigh. I got about 3 hours sleep last night.

[sundial]

In fact, we are a once a week sort of thing, although he calls me every day.

If you look at it from the perspective of marriage, would once a week togetherness suffice?

I would consider enjoying the companionship of bachelor #2. :) Who knows, maybe he'll turn out to be your road honey. ;)

[KnottedYet]

Who kisses better?

Seriously. A person can fake a lot of things, but can't fake a good kiss. It takes real feeling and exquisite attention.

Mr. Once-A-Week kind of sounds like he's working on the "friendship with benefits" model. His comment that "we are what we are" and lack of concern over you dating Mr. Sweet make me think that. Whereas you might be working off a different model, in fact your model is so different that the whole situation with Mr. Once-A-Week has you making yourself sick and staying up all night.

Add to all this the idea that Mr. Once-A-Week is so inadequate to your needs that you were capable of having a serious interest in someone else in the first place.

Your instincts know the answer.

[buddha_bellies]

I made myself sick over this last night. I felt horrible that I was going out with guy #2. And he is a nice, sweet guy. Kind of a dork, as opposed to guy #1s total coolness in all situations. I just don't want to hurt guy #1. I had thought I would be OK with just what he could give me, no more. But I don't know that that's right.
Sigh. I got about 3 hours sleep last night.

But I don't think you're hurting guy #1. He's been brutually honest with you. It is what it is. It's very black and white to me with that guy and what he's saying. There's no hidden message behind it. I know. I've been through this too. If you feel something is bothering you with him, trust your feeling.

I don't think you're hurting guy #1 at all. You're honest with him. He just want to hang out once a week. So why do you think you're hurting him?

Give #2 a chance. When you're with him, just have fun. Enjoy your time with him. It will be healthy for you to see what else is out there.

Good luck!

[Zen]

Listen to Knott.
Knott is wise.

I'm having that printed on a tee shirt.

[Ann G]

I'm with the rest on this. It seems that you want more from a relationship than guy #1 is willing to give. Seeing guy #2 is not cheating on guy #1. Give guy #2 a chance, and try that kiss assessment idea.

[redrhodie]

I made myself sick over this last night. I felt horrible that I was going out with guy #2. And he is a nice, sweet guy. Kind of a dork, as opposed to guy #1s total coolness in all situations. I just don't want to hurt guy #1. I had thought I would be OK with just what he could give me, no more. But I don't know that that's right.
Sigh. I got about 3 hours sleep last night.

Hmmm, now I don't think either of them is the right guy for you. You lost me with #2 on "dork". I was okay with "nerd" but am not okay with "dork".

[Mr. Bloom]

Don't place a loyalty standard on yourself that is greater than the one being offered by Guy #1. He's not seeking anything else, so you're meeting a convenient need. By the same token, don't get yourself in an unfulfilling lapdog relationship with Guy #2...that could be equally unsatisfying.

I guess you really have to ask yourself whether you would be happy if the status quo with #1 was maintained for another 5 years? 10 years? Is this what you want or will you be feeling that your commitment is a bit unrequited by then?

I agree with everything Knott said (except the kiss)

[kenyonchris]

You guys are great. I had a serious talk with guy #1 today, he was honestly upset that I would miss out on something fun because of him, and I get the feeling he is backing off because he wants me to get out there. He is really a great, great guy who has had bad relationships. I guess I am going to read the writing on the wall, no matter how much I would like it to say something else.
It makes me sad, I adore him.

Guy #2 is very attentive (almost too attentive). But I am keeping it as low key and slow as possible so that I can really get a feel for it, and I don't have any desire to jump from one serious relationship to another.

THANK YOU to everyone who has chimed or will chime in. This is really hard, and you guys make it better.