To all moms

[trayc]

I need some advice. I am a divorced mom who shares custody with my daughter's dad. I have Rachel(daughter) every other week. I teach school and so am off for the summer, I set a goal to ride at least 5 days a week(I am a beginner rider). When the week rolls around that I have Rachel I feel so bad about leaving her. She is 11 and has no desire to ride a bike for longer than about 15 minutes. I feel so guilty if I leave her for an hour or so and of course I am worried about her being by herself while I am gone. I have to drive about 10 miles away from my house to get to where I can ride. I am so disappointed that it is July and I haven't even ridden 5 days in a row, because when she goes back to her dad, I can't seem to get up the motivation to ride when I don't have her. Any help??

T

[CorsairMac]

do you have a trainer or can you afford to get one? A thought would be you and Rachel could pick a movie to watch together while you ride the trainer. That way you two still get to spend time together And you can still try to meet your goal.

[Irulan]

I"m thinking that you need to put the guilty feelings aside, and do something for yourself. It's fairly common in divorce situations for parents to be ravaged by guilt, and to let that be their guide for their dealing with thier kids. It's a better example if you take care of yourself physically and mentally than if you let your self be manipulated by overwhelming guilt. Kids are notorious for exploiting this, too.

IMO, ( mother of two) 11 is plenty old enough to stay alone for an hour or two. Or, see if there's a way to incorporate cycling into your time together: Rides to places she would enjoy, bribery if necessary. Explore your neighborhood riding options, maybe you dont' have to drive 10 miles for a ride. I thought the beauty of a bike is that you can head out your front door.

just my 2¢, take it or leave it.

irulan

[MightyMitre]

Hi Trayc. Has your daughter complained or commented on being left alone for a hour to amuse herself? I seem to remember when I was that age I actually quite liked being left for a short time. I felt grown up and privileged that I was trusted enough to take care of myself for a short time.

If I was in your daughters position I'd also feel proud that I had a mum that did something as interesting as cycling and took care of herself and her health. Is this the first summer you've had this arrangement? If so, may be you both just need a little time to get into it. Your daughter might not be interested in cycling at the moment but maybe hearing about the fun you had/thing you saw/places you went might spark her curiosity.

Hope this helps. Don't have any kids of my own but yet but like to think I can still remember what it was like to be 11. And good on you for getting out there and riding. :)

[RoadRaven]

I am not divorced but I do know the answers are never easy to find...

What you are showing your daughter is that exercise is an important part of overall wellbeing. This is vital given the increased inactivity in our children around the Western world which can lead to serious health problems like obesity and weak bones.

Is there some other physical thing she likes doing you could do with her at the weekend? - Think of it as cross-training.

I like Corsair's idea of using a trainer...

Good luck, and whether you choose to ride and leave her, or you find something to do where she will choose to be included, you are doing the right thing. You will be modelling negotiation and compromise, you will be demonstrating that self-health of the mind body and spirit is important.

[mommelisa]

hi, trayc. i have two children, 9 and 10 1/2 and my husband travels a bit. on those days, i have always had a hard time getting my workout in, as i never felt comfortable leaving the children alone either. my compromise is that i get up early and try to be finished before they'd normally wake up. my kids usually get up around 7:30, so i'll go out (during the summer) around 5:30 to get my rides in. i take my cell phone with me, and the kids and i discuss the route i am taking the night before. we also have a "protocol" for what would happen if for some reason i was not home by 8:00 am, and i always wear/take id with me. we've been doing this for about 6 months now, and it seems to be going well.

one of the nice things now, is that my daughter - the 9 yo - whose favorite passtime is watching tv - is starting to ask if on the days i run if she can ride her bike with me when i go. baby steps!

good luck, i hope you find something that works for you!

[Technotart]

I have to agree with what Irulan said about the guilt. After my divorce, guilt was my guiding light so to speak in how I handled my kids. Well kids aren't stupid and they figured that out pretty quick. I had big problems then!

You really do deserve your workouts! And the example you set for her is SO important!

[nuthatch]

I feel for you! My husband is often out of town and my 12 year old has to stay by herself when I ride. I'm so nervous that something will happen to me and she'll be all alone and wondering where I am!! But something could happen to me if I ran out to get milk and had a car wreck too. It's just a hard situation with no easy solution.

[singletrackmind]

Here's my solution to watching my husband's girls (10 and 12) during the summer when I have them every other week:
The mornings are understood to be a time to get some excercise. I'll either take them hiking or biking. They'll hike up to 6 miles and bike up to 18, and I vary the mileage. I prefer to hike with them because they are so slow on a bike and the hiking seems to keep me fit enough for the biking when I can get that in. I also vary the routine, sometimes I'll make oat bran/fruit muffins and pack juice and we'll eat breakfast as a picnic or while walking. Sometimes it'll be a lunch picnic. Sometimes I have a destination they enjoy, like a playground or the swimming pool (also good excercise) or grocery shopping (they like picking the groceries, checking off the list, etc) or the library. I began the summer by making a deal with them-no whining while doing what I like to do and we'll go do something free that they like in the afternoon. They got out of the habit of complaining and we all look forward to our mornings now (I don't let them watch tv or play on the computer during the day, I didn't like the absolute lack of family interaction or encouragement of couch potato-ness so we limit those activities, so there isn't so much of a draw to just stay home) at least more than before.
Things I've found that helps-
Something to drink!!! A camelback, a bottle, lots of waterfountains, drinking is a must, moreso than for me.
Snacks. Healthy stuff, of course. Their tanks run empty fast.
Expecting to not get to do as much as I'd like as fast as I'd like. Staying relaxed and focusing on having fun instead of how much we aren't doing.
Letting the kids have as much freedom as possible without putting them in danger and watching them to see what works best for them. The 12 year old especially is breaking away and trying to become her own person so I try to let her have more freedoms and responsibilities. The 10 year old rides faster if she's in front and lags really bad if she's in back. I keep stuff like this in mind.
Think about the things your daughter likes to do and incorporate those things into the excercise on occasion. Throw in a special treat destination every once in awhile, like a ride to get ice cream or something like that. Also think about her specific personality-what motivates her? Does she have a low pain tollerance like my youngest step-daughter? I have to be extra-carefull to keep her as comfortable as possible while we're out or she makes everyone's life miserable. Things that don't bother me in the least can be absolute agony for her and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I don't know if you are able to or not, but I get up around 4:45 some mornings and hit the road from my house, riding until 7 am, when my DH has to go to work.
My 12 year old step-daughter is very competitive and likes to try racing me (part of the becoming her own person age), the other likes the idea of someone else doing the work and would really enjoy a tandem (though we can't afford one yet, working on it...).

Well, you get the idea. Sorry about the ramble! Best of luck in getting your daughter to excercise willingly, the key is in exploiting her personality, using her likes and dislikes to your (and her) advantage. I'm still working on it, but the girls have been doing a great job this year! :)

[trayc]

Thank you all for replying and giving me some good things to think about. I just needed a perspective other than my own because I can really wallow in the guilt etc. etc I get Rachel back today so I will start again this week trying to get my rides in as well at working at getting Rachel to go with me.

[mtbdarby]

Trayc
Looks like you've gotten some great advice. My son is only 3 so my sitch is a little different. I would like to add that because of his age, I take one night during the week (I have him during the weeks, he's with dad every 1st, 3rd and 4th weekends) for riding. I have a standing sitter and it's my time. He knows that but it's still hard for me. I have to look at it that I need my time and exercise so I can be the best mom I can. During the remaining week time when I ride, I pull him in a carrier and on the weekends I don't have him I ride off road. Not easy by any stretch but do what you can and keep riding!

Dar

[Barb]

I was in the same boat. My son is now 13 and LOVES when I go for a long ride. In the beginning, I rode closer to home, not very exciting and more traffic and stop signs than I like. I usually rode for about an hour. I could only get him to ride with me if ice cream was involved. It gets easier, and you will be happier and more relaxed if you get a ride in (even if it is only a short distance at first).

[Irulan]

I think there's a tendecny to underestimate what kids are capable of... Red Cross will certify baby sitters starting at age 12. It's a good age to start lettintg them be independent.

irulan

[RoadRaven]

Kids have to be 14 here (NZ) to be able to baby sit legally another family's children

But if parent/s have arranged a neighbour to be about and aware, and children know who to call and how long parent is out for, then children can be left "home alone"

I agree, Irulan, people grossly UNDERestimate what children are capable of. They are very competent creatures, and safety issues and PC-ification have trained us to forget that in much of the western world.

[Crankin]

My children are grown up now, but I encourage anyone who has guilt to let it go! Maybe I am weird, but I always took tinme for myself to exercise. I would go right after work when they were little and let them stay in child care an extra hour. Or, i got up very early and went then. I am not divorced, but I spent many years working as a middle school teacher, teaching anywhere from 3-7 fitness classes a week, volunteering on the board of my kid's preschool, and teaching Hebrew school. My husband travelled and I used a combination of my regular child care and wonderful teenage babysiters who would come to my house at 4:45 AM so I could take an hour to exercise! My husband and I always went out without the kids at least 3-4 times a month. And guess what? Both my kids took babysitting courses at age 10-11 (both boys) and started sitting when they were in grade 6 or 7. The younger one worked for a family of 3 kids under the age of 5 when he was 13 and changed diapers on an infant. He used the money to buy his first good bike and to start racing. He is now 20 and in the Marines and is not ashamed at all of this experience. They are like his second family! Both my boys are normal, responsible young adults who weren't "scarred" because their parents took time for themselves and to be together as a couple. Yes, we did a lot of stuff as a family, but they grow up pretty quickly and you still have to have a life then.