How do you get your DH/SO interested in riding with you?

[sarahspins]

Just wondering.. I feel like all of my efforts are just met with failures. currently there are some significant logistics issues that make it difficult to get the whole family out for a bike ride, and since my husband doesn't think it's really safe to be riding on the roads where we are with the kids (I don't share his fear however, but I've actually been out riding ON the roads more than he has, and I really don't think it's dangerous where we are) our only option it seems is to go somewhere else where cars aren't an issue.

So, for him to go on a bike ride, we have to load up 2 cars (neither car has a bike rack yet, so bikes go in one car, while kids + trailer go in another) and drive 5 miles to a local park. It has a nice paved 2* mile trail.. it's a nice ride.

* I should point out that DH took his bike to the park a few years ago not long after he bought it and rode this trail by himself.. and told me it was 8 miles each way. Maybe it just felt like that to him? I found it odd, since the trail is marked... you don't have to guess how long it is.

So, after weeks of suggesting we should all go ride together (our 8yo is staying with DH's parents, so he wasn't included), yesterday I finally convinced him to go, and we did, and I felt like he did NOTHING but complain. First it was some losers who for reasons we don't understand decided to be jerks towards us in the parking area, swerving at us (moments after we parked) and nearly clipping my car, and honking at us repeatedly as they drove by (several times). I still don't know what was up with that - were weren't in the way, our kids were still IN the car, so not running around or anything. They hadn't been behind us or anything when we drove in, we didn't cut them off or do anything else.. they drove up after we parked.

So, that set DH up to be in somewhat of a bad mood. I understand, I was a little irritated by it too, but he just didn't seem to want to let it go. I offered to just go home if it was going to be that way, but he said no, he'd be fine. So we get our bikes out, set up, get the trailer hooked up and loaded, and set off on our way... almost right away he's complaining that I'm going "too fast" - which baffles me. We were only going about 7-8mph. I know he's pulling the trailer, but I've pulled it too, and it's really not as much like dragging dead weight as he made it out to be.

So for a while I sort of kept pace with him.. I slowed waaaaaay down. I think we may have been averaging a whopping 6mph. We got passed by a jogger (yes, a jogger!). I decided, at that point, that the ride wasn't doing me any good since I felt like I was just out in the sun getting hot - I wasn't even going fast enough to cool myself off from the breeze. So I rode to the end of the trail, and rode back to meet him, I said it was fine to turn around and ride back to the car if he wanted, and he didn't, he wanted to get to the end too, and then head back (why? he was clearly unhappy by this point.. maybe at me, maybe in general).

So we rode back to the end together, and when we hit the end, our 4yo decided she *really* had to go potty. There was a bathroom about 1/2 mile back on the trail, so we rode back there and stopped, I noticed DH had finished all of his drink already (mine was still nearly full), and I offered to swap it since I also had a 2nd bottle left and he snapped at me and said no, he was fine, he could get just water along the way if he changed his mind (okay, whatever). DD did her business and I got her back in the trailer.. DH then starts complaining about how hot it is and how it's "so much harder to keep going once you stop". Now, I'm not in the best shape myself, but all I could think to myself is "what, are you kidding, we've only been out about 15 MINUTES" and we had only been stopped for about 2.. I felt fine, and *I* am normally the first one to complain about being hot or tired. I offered to let him ride my bike and I could pull the trailer with his, and that resulted in a resounding NO WAY. I don't know if I really hurt his ego or what, but I was only trying to help out - if he's struggling, why not just let me pull the kids? His bad mood was just getting worse and I didn't really want to be around him at all by that point.

So I didn't really want to hear him continue to complain about how hot or tired he was, or how hard it was to pull the kids, and I just left for our cars.. I couldn't even see him on the trail when I got to the end, so I rode to the other end of the park and back, and when I got back to the cars I could finally see him coming, so I stopped.

When he got back to the cars, I was there waiting, and another cyclist passed him, and DH made some comment along the lines of "there's your boyfriend, why don't you go ride with him since he's going faster". That hurt my feelings a lot. The whole point of going to the park was so WE could go do something TOGETHER. He's the one complaining that we never go do anything... and then pretty much complains the whole time whenever we try (no matter what it is). He also made a comment that if he wasn't pulling the kids he probably could have gone faster too - and I tried to just let that go, since I knew he was just in a bad mood and things hadn't exactly gone well, and it was hot. I really thought by the time we got home, that he'd be over it too.

When we got home, I checked into getting an extra mount for the trailer for my bike so that either one of us could pull the trailer if we wanted, and DH pretty much reacted like I was stupid to even think about spending money on a second mount, when I could just take the one off his bike. Then of course he had to go into this whole thing about why I didn't even need one for my bike anyways if he could just pull the kids - I had to remind him that what if *I* wanted to take the kids to the park and ride on my own once I have a bike rack for my car?

Did I just seriously hurt his pride, or what? I'm not suggesting that he can't pull the kids, but if he was clearly unhappy about it and struggling, why would it not be okay to share that job? What is so bad about me wanting to go ride with the kids at the park on my own?

I know DH's bike is a piece of junk (it's better than some.. but it's still a department store schwinn), and that's certainly not helping him, but I've ridden it (probably more than he has!) and it's not exactly as slow and difficult as he made it out to be. I know I've been riding for a couple of months now on a better bike and I'm probably quite a bit faster and more comfortable on my bike than he is on his, but I didn't expect a relatively flat 4 miles to have been a huge struggle for him. I was willing to go slow, but it seemed like my "slow" was still about twice as fast as he wanted to go.

At this point I almost fear asking him to go out and try it again... to be 100% honest I don't think I even want to. I'd be happy to go if he asked, but I don't think he would.

So, aside from not leaving him behind, what can I do to make things go better if I CAN convince him to get out and try again?

I'm just so frustrated. He wasn't thrilled when I bought my trek, saying I spent too much money on it (money that I had saved up on my own, it's not like HE paid for it, and I bought a very entry-level bike because I was conscious of his opinion on how much I was spending)... and made it clear that he didn't see what was so wrong about just buying a bike "like his". So clearly I get that he's not "into" this at all, and probably won't be no matter what, but I'd still like to TRY to make cycling a fun activity for the whole family... because it should be fun, right?

3 years ago it was HIS idea to buy his bike and the trailer for the kids (at that point we only had 2).. I didn't even have a working bike at the time. But his bike and the trailer got used all of once or twice outside of yard.. and have pretty much sat since then. So I just don't get it?

[Cataboo]

It does sound like you've somehow wounded his male ego, and I don't really know what to tell you to do about it. I'm sure it's much easier to get your bike to go than it is to get his bike to go, which may not be something that he really realizes... Maybe you could switch out the tires on his bike for trail or road riding if they're not smooth.

[tulip]

Sounds like there's alot more going on than just a bike ride. Time for a sit-down, perhaps?

[sarahspins]

Yeah, the "go" thing is possible too.. I think he's also trying to push too high of a gear.... but he doesn't seem to like any advice from me on that, so I don't know what to do to help him.

[Cataboo]

Yeah, the "go" thing is possible too.. I think he's also trying to push too high of a gear.... but he doesn't seem to like any advice from me on that, so I don't know what to do to help him.

How much are you biking by yourself? any chance he's starting to resent how much time biking is taking up in your life? He may feel jealous or threatened?

Pushing too high of a gear would definitely make it a lot harder to get going while pulling a trailer - but some of that is just things he'd learn with experience if he biked more...

[Tri Girl]

I agree with Tulip. I think you need to sit down and talk about where his anger is coming from. I understand that the ride started off on an unpleasant note, but it seems like his anger was about more than the jerky people in the parking lot (especially the "there's your boyfriend" comment- that's his ego talking).
Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.
Definitely talk to him about it.

When I started riding, I rode a lot. My DH eventually got tired of me doing things without him and he bought a bike, too, so we could do it together. Now he's so fast I can't keep up with him, and even though we rarely ever ride "together," we start out at the same time and he comes back to check on me. It's something we both love and he doesn't feel left out anymore.

[sarahspins]

Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.

I do think a lot of this probably does come from insecurity. It's hard to get him to talk about it without it becoming a huge blown up fight. It is SO frustrating. I wanted to ride so I can feel better and be healthier.. I was quite frankly sick of being a lazy slob and doing nothing about it (my options are limited, with my knees - and cycling is one of very few things that doesn't kill me) and feeling like my kids were constantly wearing me out and I couldn't keep up with them at the park. I've noticed an immediate improvement in that area since I started riding, and it hasn't been very long... I can imagine that only gets better. I am by no means a speed demon though.. I have zero aspirations for racing or really getting faster, I just want to enjoy it and get/stay fit. I do want to be able to ride further, because that will expand where I'm able to go on my bike, but that's really my only goal, and I know it will come with time.

I do bike mostly by myself, sometimes with our 8yo... after DH gets home in the evenings, but I have by NO means excluded him - he just refuses to ride on the road with the kids, and doesn't think I should either. I don't think he likes riding on the road in general though - a few years ago he saw a cyclist that got hit, and didn't make it, and that image has stuck with him (even though the circumstances for that one were obviously unsafe - cyclist was out in the early morning, when it was still dark, no reflective clothing or lights, and not wearing a helmet, etc). I won't be able to keep riding in the evenings forever though, right now it's very dependent on the fact that it's still light out fairly late in the evenings.. I know that changes in the fall. I will be biking more with the kids when that happens (either at the park, or *gasp* actually on the road), and probably during the day while he's at work. Maybe that will make things better.. maybe it will make things worse, I don't know.

I found a bike club that rides "locally" for me (literally, many routes pass right by my house) and when I mentioned maybe joining some of those rides, he reacted VERY negatively to that. It's frustrating, and I don't understand it... I'd honestly love if he wanted to do something like that with me, but instead I'm left feeling like it's not even okay if I go on my own. The timing of most of the rides doesn't work well with me (early morning - I'm not a morning person, and the evening rides all start before he's usually home from work) so that's stopping me from going more than he is, but I still shouldn't feel like it's not okay.

I don't know.. I want to get a bike rack for my car and a better trailer to haul the kids in, which are things I plan on doing on my own regardless of what he does... maybe if I start taking the kids to the park to bike regularly and getting everything unloaded and set up becomes less of a chore it might make it easier to get everyone out.

[Kuota Rider]

I love to comment on this topic, but I have the opposite problem at my house. My husband is the riding nut and I am the hill slug. But interestingly enough, if I push myself out of bed, once on the road, I am happy I went.

Then while I'm further out on the road, I am wishing the ride was over. Then once I am home, I want to go again.

I think I have issues...:D

[Tri Girl]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite (him hating his job but not wanting to look for something else has a lot to do with it).

Anyway, I don't know what to say to help you out. I know you have to tread lightly and not make him upset. Maybe you could sit him down and tell him it's about YOU not him. YOU want to ride your bike more because of the great feeling you get. YOU want to go on longer rides and take the kids to get them out and about and keep them in good health. YOU would love to have his company because you love him and want to enjoy time together.
If you use lots of ME/I statements maybe he won't get defensive????:confused:

Let us know what happens.

[sarahspins]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite

That sounds so familiar :)

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

[tulip]

What a drag. You deserve better. If he won't talk reasonably about this--which is really relatively minor in itself but is HUGE if he doesn't support you doing anything for yourself--I'm afraid you have bigger problems on your hands.

Best of luck in figuring this out and/or taking action as a couple to better communication within the family. Don't be shy about asking for help if you need to.

[KathiCville]

+1 on the feeling that there's more going on here for him than the biking per se. He sounds unhappy, maybe even a little depressed? Whatever anger he's showing toward you, I bet he's aiming 5x or 10x that much at himself, inside, out o'sight. (Guys! Gotta love 'em....:rolleyes:)

The fact that he finds something to complain about no matter what activity you choose is significant. And the crack about 'your boyfriend' is something that someone who is unhappy with himself would mutter....A problem on the job? Worrying about money? Feeling out of shape, unattractive? Frustrated with where he "is" in life compared to friends, colleagues?

If you want to continue trying to do the family ride thing, I'd say it's worth investing in a set-up that lets y'all gather and go quickly, without making a major production of it. Whatever it takes (within $ reason) to make it a snap to load the trailer and the bikes will pay for itself in lowering the hassle factor. You might be able to find what you need on craigslist? Or check with the local bike club to see if anyone has a bike rack they're not using this season?

Is there a road cycling safety class or family cycling safety class available locally? Maybe if you took it together it would help raise his comfort level with the riding-on-the-road issue. Seeing someone on a bicycle get hit was certainly not easy to witness! The memory of it is probably affecting him in ways that he's barely aware of.

As for your own riding, try not to let his current attitude put too much of a damper on your desire and determination to get out there yourself. As long as your biking doesn't put any unagreed-to childcare burden on him, he *should* be glad that you're taking care of yourself. Easier said than done, of course! You know how misery loves company! If he's unhappy with himself at the moment---whatever the root cause---it probably irks him on some level to see you enjoying yourself. And then, because he loves you, it probably irks him that he's irked!!

Finally, if he tends to complain about any and all activities that you try to set up, try inviting HIM to choose and organize an activity. Put it nicely, of course, without any reference to his neg attitude about previous outings. Just a "Hon, why don't you give some thought to what you'd like to do as a family this weekend?" Have on hand whatever local pubs would give him some ideas about what's coming up. If he follows up, great. But when and if he balks, then that might be the perfect lead-in to the "Say, what's been bugging you lately, sweetie?" conversation that others have suggested.......? :)

P.S. My BF tends to be a glass-half-empty type and it's definitely an "issue" for us!

[Kuota Rider]

I just finished fully reading your post, Sarah. I just skimmed it the first time and didn't realize the depth of the problem. I'm sorry for sounding like I was making light of it.

To me, it sounds to me like your DH is generally unhappy about life. He doesn't want to make decisions and he doesn't want you making decisions.
It also doesn't sound like the lines of communication between you two are very open either, (common with most men).
My DH is stressed about work right now and it has been a little difficult to get close, if you know what I mean. But we try to keep the communication lines open and let each other know how we're feeling and why. It doesn't always work out perfectly, but eventually we get there.

I think you need to try to find out what is at the root of his anger and depression. It sounds as though it goes fairly deep. When nothing is right in your life, that is usually just the surface of something going on much deeper inside. You are just seeing a smaller manifestation of a much bigger problem.

I don't know the entire situation, but I would suggest, if possible, take a weekend vacation together. Just the two of you. Somewhere where you can get away from everything and get the chance to talk.

I hope you find a solution for this soon. I know from personal experience that you are in a very difficult place right now.
Please let us know how things are going.
Private messages on the topic would be ok with me too.

[shootingstar]

That sounds so familiar :)

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you may need to back off trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself. He needs space for himself to figure out what he wants. It does not need to escalate into something huge if your approach is casual and low-key --I just need my exercise and when you'll be back at a time you originally indicated.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them, either right now or ever.

Try to see it the reverse situation...of enthusiastic men who are unable to get their wives on the bike. Everyone is free to find their own passion. Hope for this-- that he has a personal passion that he gets excited about, wants to explore/grow/become better, makes him feel better, is healthy even if outside of you and children.

I have a partner who loves cycling. We don't have a car and cycling is certainly part of our lifestyle since we've known each other many years ago. However if something should change later where one of us is unable/doesn't want to cycle, we then simply want the other person to look after their individual physical and mental health --take positive action long term, no matter what that person does, even if it's not cycling. So many positive options for him.

[TrekTheKaty]

Two general thoughts:

Men like it better when it's their idea (sorry boys, but several gf's concur).

You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, ie. you can't convince someone to lose weight/quit drinking/quit smoking/exercise until they are ready to do it for themselves. My sis keeps trying to push my cuz into exercise. I keep telling her to back off--let her know how much fun we have and we're here if she needs info or support. Otherwise, leave her alone. (We've changed our concept at family-get-togethers. Instead of begging others to join us, then canceling because we felt guilty--Now we go. You're welcome to join us, otherwise we'll be back in a couple hours. It's surprising how well this concept works.)

(Oh, and I think garage sale's are based on the concept that many fitness ideas don't stick!)

Don't let him ruin your fun :)

[Irulan]

What I pick up on, perhaps he's freaking out that you might be getting in shape and that, for some reason, bring up abandonment crap for him. Going out and doing things without him can trigger the same kind of thing Being a guy of course he probably doesn't do emotions very well, so he may not even know it.

Perhaps it's time to work with a professional to learn how to communicate better about what is REALLY going on. Nothing wrong with counseling, it's help my marriage immensely.

[tctrek]

When I first started riding with DH, I had a clunky, crappy bike and he had a beautiful fast Cannondale. I griped, complained and pouted on every ride. How tired I was, how hot it was, how he was going too fast for me to keep up... surely it all meant he didn't love me!

That went on for just a few months and I saved up an purchased a better bike... not a great bike, but better than what I had. I could start keeping up with him a little and I whined and complained less. 6 months after that, I got my road bike. From then on in, no complaining. 1.5 years after that, I got a great road bike. He drafted me yesterday :).

Just some food for thought... sounds to me like he is jealous that you love riding the bike and that you are having a relatively easy time of it, while he is struggling.

[sarahspins]

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you do need back off of trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself.

My plan is just to enjoy it myself for now... and include the kids (little ones in trailer, big one on his own bike). I don't like feeling like I have to rely on him to be home in order to go ride (I don't think that's fair to either of us, honestly), so I'm fixing that for my own sake... and I had planned on doing so prior to yesterday... and that doesn't change. I want to be able to transport the bike(s) plus kids with my car. I wanted to do that before I was really set on taking the kids biking with me... just because it would be easier to have a way to transport my bike that did NOT include having to take the kids' carseats out of the car, because they're a PITA to get back in - I'd rather not have to do that more than I need to (a few times a year to clean off the back seat is enough) :) Plus if I needed to take my bike to the LBS or something, it's not always convenient to go without the kids.

Of course I don't want to push him if he doesn't want to do this... because it should be fun for everyone if we're going to do it together (or rather, try to), but given that 3 years ago he picked out his bike and the trailer for the kids on his own.. that kind of left me with the impression that it was something he wanted to start doing.. or at least pick up an interest in, but he just didn't, and I don't know why - maybe it was me not being interested at the time (no working bike)? Maybe it was too much of a chore to get out and do it with the kids on his own? I guess only he can answer that one, but honestly I can't figure out a way to ask that and not have it sound like an accusation. My only solution is to just drop it for now, and as he sees the kids are enjoying it more, perhaps he'll be interested in participating as well.


Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them either right now or ever.

As of right now.. not really, and to be honest he hasn't the entire time I've known him (10+ years). He's into motorcycles, but currently has no one to go ride with... he tends to play with the dirt bikes on our property on the weekends (sometimes I join him).. but it's not exactly what I'd call exercise, it's an adrenalin rush and little more. We're not doing technical stuff or any difficult riding. We used to go play disc golf once in a while, but not often enough to even consider it a hobby. I would like the ENTIRE family to be more active, for the benefit of us all.. but I feel like I can't suggest that without it not coming out right, if that makes sense... basically I don't want him to think I'm really suggesting that he HAS to do something to get in shape, or that I am not happy with how he is now, because neither of those is true... really he's relatively healthy, so far.. I just want him to stay that way. The way our current lifestyle is though, we do need to change because we won't be young forever, and unless we get more active, it will eventually catch up with us.

I have a host of medical issues myself... and a not very encouraging family history of heart disease (mom had heart attack at 55, dad at 53, with a stroke too). I want to be healthier than they are and not put my kids through what my parents put me through, but I already feel like I'm at a disadvantage there because I have a couple of auto-immune diseases (stupid body!) plus asthma... so I want to be able to do what I can do so that I'm around a while.. and not die young because I thought I was invincible - I know I'm not :) But yeah, I suppose I'm rambling now :p

And really I don't think our relationship is as bad as it may seem.. he is supportive of the things I want to do (I do more than just ride, obviously..lol), it's just that every once in a while we get hung up on stuff like this... or he reacts in a way I don't expect to something I would have expected to be completely benign (like the bike club) simply because we're seeing it from different perspectives - it's hard for BOTH of us to take a step back and look at things from both sides.

[Kano]

Oh drat, this is long, but I'm hoping it's insight into where his head might be when you ride together, even though I'm telling my side of the story. (though I think he's being stupid insisting on towing the kids -- if he had you do it, they'd slow you down and make it easier for him to keep up. That's why I had HIM tow the trailer with our grandson riding in it!)

It's HARD to be the one trying to keep up.

When DH decided a few years ago that we were going to take up biking TOGETHER "to get ready for ski season," little did he know that he was unleashing a monster. Not that I'm trying to suggest that I'm really good at this riding thing, mind you, but it turned out that I love it! He rides "to get some exercise." Exercise is a side benefit for me.

Biking, for me, was love at first crank, so to speak. That doesn't mean I've always LIKED riding. From the first, he could go faster than me. Trying to keep up was frustrating. His method of "waiting up" while I caught up to him was to ride down and back on side streets, ride way ahead and come back, and that was demoralizing. Or, he'd get out of sight, and expect me to know where I was supposed to follow. Plus, I hurt. Lots. My body was overwhelmed by the new activity.

Still, I loved it. I wanted to ride. I would go out by myself, because it helped me hurt less to ride gently in the warmth of the day, so my muscles would loosen up from the day before.

Then DH would come home from work and want to ride. We would ride. Inevitably, at some point on our rides "together," I would find myself crying in frustration. Since I did NOT want to give up riding, I knew I had to solve the issue. The problem was NOT DH, it was in me. Just because he could go faster than I could didn't mean I couldn't do it, but

I needed to figure out how I could ride with DH and enjoy it.

I needed to learn that it was okay to not be as fast as DH. I needed to learn to ride my own ride. The hardest thing for me to do, though, was to help him understand what I needed from him.

He would yell at me for following him down a cul de sac that he was using as a time filler while I would catch up to him, but he expected me to follow him. Following him meant riding the cul de sac, right? We had to figure out some other way.

I had a hard time with him doubling back too. I had to learn to accept a certain amount of that, becaues stopping to wait for me is not in his nature. He hates to stop once he's moving -- and he's really hard to get moving in the first place! He agreed to learn to slow down enough to be sure he could see me in his mirror after I ended up way off course one day following the wrong person in a same color shirt!

Riding with DH was more fun, particularly as my fitness level improved. We got so we were paired pretty well, though he has this thing about riding behind me on busy roads, and blocking my view of traffic, which makes me nuts. He takes a little pushing to get out the door, but he always enjoys a ride once he's moving.


This year is different. I need to keep those days in mind. This year, I'm smoking him on the hills -- not that I'm going fast! and in general, I'm a stronger rider than I've ever been. He's not riding as much this year as he has the past few. Granted -- it makes me feel pretty good to beat him up a hill. It's new for me, and it's been YEARS in the making. It's pretty cool to fly past him on a flat too -- that never happened either!

But his ego is taking a bit of a bruising (not that he'll say so). It was getting hard to get him out riding with me. I learned some new tricks -- I ride my heavier bike when I ride with him, and I ride in the spinny gears, pedaling like a madwoman and getting nowhere. He's still leading the way, setting the pace, and determining how much of a ride we're going to have, which makes him happy. I'm spinning, loosening up the muscles that I have been abusing in the gym and torturing on the road when I'm alone. We're riding together, both happy, and that's a good thing!

My fast, long, hard rides are on my own -- me time. Or, there are the group rides, where I'm somewhere in the middle, scrambling to catch the fast riders to let them know they're losing us slow riders! Oh -- and the trailer does grocery duty these days. I get to tow it, and he's glad he doesn't have to!

Karen in Boise

[redrhodie]

I'm wondering a couple of things. Are you sure he's not in some kind of physical distress? When was his last check up? And, are you sure his bike was working perfectly, and his brakes weren't rubbing? I get really cranky when my brakes rub.

[lph]

I agree with Kano's observations. If you're that kind of person being the slow one really sucks. I can get really childish and upset and cranky if I feel that I'm keeping someone back, while still trying my hardest, especially if that person is just whooshing back and forth filling time apparently with no effort.

When I started cross-country skiing some years ago, after several trips apoplectic with distress, I made a deal with my dh - he stays BEHIND, and he does NOT overlap my skis. That let me set my own pace, stop when I wanted to, and not feel pushed - and let me hide my face when I was really struggling. Stupid, I know, but that's just what it was like. Now we're much more closely matched and I've mellowed out anyway so we don't do that anymore, but I try to observe the same thing with our son and give him space when he needs it to feel on top of things.

It can be tough if your mental image of yourself doesn't match reality, and realizing there's a mismatch doesn't necessarily help the feeling of substandardness.

[TrekTheKaty]

What I pick up on, perhaps he's freaking out that you might be getting in shape and that, for some reason, bring up abandonment crap for him.

I heard this somewhere--when wives lose weight or change their appearance, that's a sign to men that we may be getting ready to leave. A few years ago, I lost some weight thus resulting in some new clothes. I got a new hair cut to go with my new confidence. I kept catching DH looking at me funny--"No worries, babe. I'm doing it all for you!"

tctrek--I think we're related :) I vividly remember breaking down into "ugly" crying in the middle of the trail. When he doubled back for me, I said, "Don't you love me anymore?! Why would you abandon me out here on the trail? I was scared and lost!" (It was an out and back path--I could only end up at the car! TUP!)

[colby]

When we first got bikes, my husband and I biked to work. He was faster than I was, though we were both out of shape. It was so difficult for me, I remember stopping and getting mad at him for going faster and all kinds of weird issues. One ride home from work, I remember thinking... screw this. I'm going to go my pace, and if he's faster, he's faster. I'm riding for ME.

Fast forward like 5 years, and the tables are severely turned. I know last year when we'd ride to work, my husband would be frustrated with me like I was with him - and I always tried to keep a positive attitude with him, but still give him space. Sometimes the right answer is to ride your own pace, let him ride his own pace, and choose a point to meet back up. I would absolutely look into being able to ride with the kids on your own - don't always give him the choice, just fasten the kids to your bike and conveniently leave them there when you go out for your next ride. Maybe he won't feel like you're ditching him with the kids... but it's hard to say. The attitude problem is on his end, but I get where you're coming from.

I have found that this year, my husband is working out more, and while he still can't keep up with me, his attitude about cycling and things in general is better. Sometimes once you get over that hump, things start to come together - exercise does often improve one's mood and outlook on the world, and consistent exercise really does help. However, I had to do this not by "hey, join me on my rides" but rather "we have a gym membership, why don't you go do that while I do the dishes today"... eventually we started doing more things together again, but it took some independent time first.

I think there's an element of the abandonment thing (sometimes I have told stories about strange guys on rides thanking me for the "tough workout" of them trying to keep up with me, or guys that start riding with me and talking about my bike, and I can see that those aren't received favorably ;)). There's some kind of jealousy or 'sense of duty' thing (he should be stronger than you, right? be able to go farther? be your knight in shining armor?). It's complicated and when it comes out of their mouths, rather than saying "I'm really hurt by X" or "I'm having a hard time dealing with Y" some dudes come out with anger and deflection... which just encourages us to not want to be around them, which I guess feeds the cycle.

And they say women are complicated... ;)

[tctrek]

tctrek--I think we're related :) I vividly remember breaking down into "ugly" crying in the middle of the trail. When he doubled back for me, I said, "Don't you love me anymore?! Why would you abandon me out here on the trail? I was scared and lost!" (It was an out and back path--I could only end up at the car! TUP!)

*snort* I think so too... whenever there's a post about riding with hubbies, our stories are the same. Cracks me up. Also, makes me feel better that others have gone through it.

I was out with DH tonight and we were on a route that he has ridden, but was new to me. 10 miles into it, another rider passes us. DH takes off like he's going to chase him down, leaving me in his dust, totally forgetting that I have no idea where I am on this route!! I actually slowed down, went into an easy gear and just waited. Couple minutes later, here he comes... "so sorry" "don't know what I was thinking, I couldn't catch that dude". LOL -- it's just who he is. I'm just thankful that I have matured enough as a rider to let it go and not cry anymore.

[Crankin]

I still cry when my DH takes off on me, even when we are just riding our normal routes! I don't know why I have this reaction, since I am not one to cry easily. We ride together most of the time (well, all of the time) and he gets his faster rides in on his commute. I am not *that* slow and he doesn't really care that much anymore. When we do very hilly rides, which is often, we both go slower than we need to, so our old bodies can recover quickly.
Last week, he took off on me twice. Once was on our regular loop. We were riding fast for me, I was fine until we got to a series of little hills. He took off without telling me. I rode as fast as I could, perhaps setting a speed record for me in this spot. But I was pissed. Then, he had to stop to take a phone call. As I passed him, I said a few choice words and continued home.
The second time was Saturday. We were on a group ride with a huge range of abilities. There was one stretch near the end, where the leader said to go ahead, if we wanted to, and we would all meet up at a certain spot. Well, we decided to go ahead, but we were not quite with the 3 or 4 really fast guys. I was going very fast for me to keep up (20-23) on the flats when the road ticked up. I could not keep up on the climb and he took off. Now, I am a good climber, but after a couple of miles at those speeds, I had to slow down. It was hot and I was crying before I knew it. One woman from the slower group caught me and asked if I was OK (I was going about 12 by then), which really got me even more angry.
When I got to the stopping place, I called him an a$$hole in front of the other guys who were kind of stunned. My DH is not an a$$hole by any means, but I figure if we are riding together, we are together. I guess it's kind of stupid, since most people think we are "sickening" in the amount of time we spend together. Most of it, was being upset over my crash that had happened earlier in the ride. Some of it is I don't like the feeling of being "alone" out on the road, especially in an unfamiliar place. I do ride alone, but less and less as the years go by. And yea, i do not like the feeling of being the one that is slower. I know he is stronger and always will be, and I don't have the will to train the way I would need to get any stronger than I am.

[tctrek]

Apologies to the OP as this is probably thread drift... So, there it is. Most people that ride a bike are competitive. No one wants to be the slow one. No one wants to be dropped. We want to keep up with our friends and significant others that we are riding with. That feels good. Being the slow poke that's always far behind others feels bad... especially if you are the slow poke AND you are suffering. It's just that simple.

We do have choices, though. We can get our heads in a good place where getting dropped doesn't hurt -OR- train hard enough to get better -OR- ride alone -OR- find someone to ride with who is at our skill level. But getting mad at the people that ride better than us isn't really a great choice -- it's choosing to be frustrated and blaming our frustration on someone else. I know, 'cause I almost gave up on riding using the excuse that DH was leaving me all the time. It wasn't his problem, it was my frustration at being a slow poke,

From OP perspective, sounds like DH is stuck in that place many of us are or were -- just mad and maybe not even knowing why, but probably because he is getting "beat" by DW.

[Crankin]

I do ride with someone that is slower than me, for most of the rides I don't do with DH. Frankly, I have found it hard to find people who ride at my speed. It's not slow and apparently, it's not fast, either. I also have found one group I am "good" with. But deep down, I like riding with these people because most of them are slower than me! I get compliments from the guys and I can climb with the best of that group.
I don't like competition, but I guess there is a part of me that is competitive. DH keeps me on my toes and forces me to do a faster ride every so often, but the thrill of that has worn off. Getting dropped will always piss me off, so I choose to ride with people where the chances of that are not huge. Like I said, 99% of the time DH and i are riding together and we really are together.

[shootingstar]

When I got to the stopping place, I called him an a$$hole in front of the other guys who were kind of stunned. My DH is not an a$$hole by any means, but I figure if we are riding together, we are together. I guess it's kind of stupid, since most people think we are "sickening" in the amount of time we spend together. Most of it, was being upset over my crash that had happened earlier in the ride. Some of it is I don't like the feeling of being "alone" out on the road, especially in an unfamiliar place. I do ride alone, but less and less as the years go by. And yea, i do not like the feeling of being the one that is slower. I know he is stronger and always will be, and I don't have the will to train the way I would need to get any stronger than I am.

There have been the odd times here and there when happen (which is not often), I have lashed out in frustration at him only because I was exhausted, hot and these rare situations if it happens, are on near-all day rides. The best situation under these circumstances that he rides ahead --often half km. ahead. It gives me headspace to suffer while I chug along to simmer down.

Though I do cycle alot alone on my rides during the week at this time because of our different schedules, I miss him when he is out of town for a few days. It's the knowledge he's not around when I come home.

We have lost each other occasionally in areas I was not familiar with at all. Usually under an hr.

Over the years, he has done a ton of cycling on his own for long distance trips, etc., so we've been very fortunate that our cycling couple style works...usually he's way ahead of me. :o But it doesn't bother me as long as I don't lose sight of him for long, particularily in strange places.

He read some of this thread about some of the member's DHs and was vaguely amused at the innate "competitive" nature of some. He has enjoyed riding strong with at least 1 other guy..but by nature, he's a friendly cycling hermit alot of the times on the road. He's not one of your guys dressed in a cycling kit cycling in regularily in packs. It has never been his cycling nature.

But he is competitive...on several fronts...more to benefit cycling for everyone.

[Cataboo]

Initially riding with the BF was just an exercise in frustration - I was just not in good enough cardiovascular shape, and I really hadn't been on a bike in years... and I had never really ridden geared bikes enough to really understand what I was supposed to do with them and strategies for hills... Then the bike was uncomfortable or didn't fit for X numbers of reasons... So dealing with that and not being able to keep up, and his commentary wasn't really helping. We were both fairly out of shape because he'd broken his leg, the bone got infected, he needed muscle, bone, and skin grafts, etc. and so this simple leg break took at least 2 years to heal - and I was writing my thesis anyways, and we'd done a lot of kayaking since he couldn't really get around on the leg... Kayaking's not really cardiovascular. He was frustrated because I was in worse shape than he was and he was the one with the broken leg, a constant refrain was "I'm the guy with the broken leg & missing half his calf muscle - you have 2 good legs, so why can't you keep up?". But he was in way better shape to start with, he'd done a lot more riding in general than me, and sorta just could spin his way up anything.

I'll confess to have gotten really grumpy on the bike when I'm having a problem keeping up, or if I hear comments about it. "Well, we were going to do this, but since you're riding too slow" something to that extent will possibly send me through the roof - especially if I think I'm riding hard and I'm struggling. Or if I stop to adjust something on my bike and I get a comment about how there's always something wrong with my bike and I should just realize it's me and not the bike... Which, I'll admit, I did spend a lot of time switching things in and out last year till I got my bikes just how I like them... but in general, I really don't complain about my bikes lately. I may stop to adjust the seat level or turn my brakes on if I've forgotten to, but none of that is worth commenting on as far as I'm concerned.

My bf's gotten fairly good at calling a break and forcing me to eat some caffeinated cliff shot blocks, if I'm getting grumpy and having a hard time keeping up - whether or not we're kayaking or biking or hiking - usually I'm getting grumpy because I'm getting close to bonking, and the shot blocks do a great job of forestalling that.

He does do the ride down side street thing if he's waiting for me - which was probably necessary last year, this year not so much... which makes me really grumpy when he goes down a side street and I follow him.. and it turns out he was just waiting for me to catch up... and I do the... BUT I WAS 5 FEET BEHIND YOU. He seems to have a bit of a blind spot directly behind him, and then assumes I must be waay behind him. This especially annoys me if we're on a downhill or an uphill or somewhere where I have to lose a lot of momentum to make that turn.

We also seem to be on different time patterns when riding... if I get on a bike, I like a 10 min flat not too fast warm up at least, and after that my legs are in good shape to go for a long time... He likes to get on a bike and go as fast as possible until his legs are dead. He lives somewhere where it's about a 5 mile ride uphill on a really busy road to get to out... and my legs are just not really to do 5 miles uphill the second I get on a bike. It usually means that it takes 20 mins or more to get my legs recovered & warmed up if I start off on a hill... And I'm competitive enough to try to give chase in the beginning of a ride, and if I do... it really just kind of blows the rest of the ride for me, it takes that long to recover. So I've gotten into letting him just go ahead in the beginning and catching him wherever he's waiting.

Once I'm warmed up, we're a bit more evenly matched - I'm finding that I over take him on hills and flats a lot more often, I can beat him on a sprint usually... and that I'm a much more consistent rider. I can ride 15 mph or so forever. His legs kinda bonk or need potassium around 2-3 hours. He ocassionally claims that he's still riding slow for me, but I'm not entirely convinced of that - because if I do pass him, he typically can't catch me until I slow down going up the next hill.

But I basically just started riding on my own last year so I didn't have to deal with the peanut gallery of comments - I am definitely not someone who does well with what he calls motivation - biking past me and saying "attack this hill for once!" when... I'm already doing what I can to get up the hill. Maybe that's what guys like to do with each other? When I first took my bike to my house saying I was going to ride on my home, he was all "Like you're really going to do that...." And he shut up quickly when I did. I still bike more than him, because he really doesn't seem to like biking on his own... no matter how much of a pain in the neck he makes biking at my pace out to be. But I biked by myself till I got a general level of fitness that I wasn't slowing him down much.

[sarahspins]

I may stop to adjust the seat level or turn my brakes on if I've forgotten to

Ha! I just did the brake thing yesterday.. I felt like such an idiot when I stopped to fix it :rolleyes:

I wanted to say that I appreciate all of your comments, and I don't mind a bit of thread drift :)

Anyways.... I've learned a few things from reading, and I think you all have some very good insight. I also talked to DH more yesterday, and yes, I can see how what I thought was helpful advice, definitely did seem to him from his perspective more like bragging or that I was trying to suggest he didn't know what he was doing.. even though I really wasn't trying to do either.

So we took some time to look over DH's bike, and he does have a rubbing back brake! I couldn't completely fix it though, and I think his rear wheel needs to be trued... he did not like that suggestion though, stating "I just need to loosen the brake cable and it will be fine".. oookay... I don't think I can argue him out of that though, so I dropped it (he did not however, attempt to do anything to it.) but it was a lot better after I messed with it.

Something with the trailer definitely doesn't seem quite right. I hooked it up to my bike yesterday, and it almost feels like the bike does with a brake rubbing... except that there are no brakes on the trailer and if you spin each wheel independently, they do spin freely. I don't get it. :confused: It makes it a lot harder than I think it "should" be to pull the kids though, even with my bike.. and it feels like someone is tugging on the trailer at a very regular interval.. and you feel it even going downhill and it is definitely slowing us down. So there may very well be something to that as well. I'm going to try to take a better look at it this afternoon. I don't think it's my bike... because it felt fine without the trailer on, and my brakes weren't rubbing as far as I could tell (I checked, and checked again).

A better trailer is in our future at some point (I'm still deciding what I want - taking the comfort of the kids into great consideration there, not just ease of towing) so the issues with the trailer we have may not be anything I want to tackle.. if it's getting replaced. But we'll see :)

[Kano]

Sarah, were you towing JUST the trailer, or was it loaded?

Kids make a LOT of extra weight in a trailer -- so do groceries! Anything bad in the wheels is magnified big time by the added weight of a load.

We just had DH's rear wheel trued -- it turned pretty nicely when the bike was off the ground, a little wobble, but not rubbing on anthing, but the problems were huge when he was on the bike!

Maybe the wheels aren't as good as you think on the trailer?

Oh -- my DH refuses to take any advice from me too. He claims to be "stiff and sore" from riding the other day, so I suggest easing up on the gearing, and he says that doesn't help, it's more work than the "big gears." Rubbing brakes, though, I HATE when that HAppens!

Karen in Boise