I just want to love to ride again.

[HermitGirl]

I am posting an unhappy personal grievance in the general discussion, but underneath it all it is *very* happy stuff, has been in the past, and I dream it to be again in the future. My only problem is that for years upon years upon years ( oh, try 15 ?) I have dreamed of getting 'back into' cycling the backroads of my mountain with sheer joy, as I once did when I started about 22 years ago. The first few years were beautiful, I was so manic about it all, just totally in love with the rambling sensation of going out solo for a ride, whether on the flats, or the hills (but I love the hills the best now, and avoid the flats). Spinning away made me very content, and I felt so much authenticity, and I made my own life, was very healthy, and happy and fit. Then... then it leveled out for a few more and I continued to ride, but it started to change.

Somewhere along the line I let it all get sabotaged. Joined a bike club, started hanging out with both mtn bikers and road speedsters, got really competative (never raced, just group rides), extremely technical, and I after feeling on top of the world, eventually I became jealous of the new popular fresh faces of the women who came into the scene and did better than me... were thinner, younger, faster, etc. I just couldnt' stay on top. Basically, the whole group experience escalating into a really egoistic competative match... and after I burned out, it just deflated completely. It just went down hill from there, with so many painful, sad, guilty, and self conscious associations that dragged it down for me. I gradually gained 50 pounds, where I am today. I truly think I am meant to go at it retro and solo. That's where the love was before, and I know it can be there in the future.

I know that given the right level of enchantment again, the right notch of enthusiasm, and the right group of women on this forum, (or men, don't mean to be gender exclusive ) I can align my passions once again. I need to conquer my heavy burden of expectation that was cast upon me and cycling , from that group experience that lasted nearly a decade, from around '94 to '03, wow... already 6 years ago now. I'd like to think SlowRiding, on my rigid panniered mtn bike ('93 Cannondale rigid atb) with killer hill gearing I had put on it for commuting, handbuilt wheels.... and put love and spirituality back into the pedaling... the old calming solo love of the road and hours ahead of me... instead of jealous, inadequate, catty and competative associations I'd learned to feel when in the saddle.

I've been a poster off and on for a year almost, never really following through on a regimen, as you can imagine. This is what I want so bad. Please , can anybody relate? I could just give me a little shove in the right direction, to the right forum, to the right Happenin' Thing, or pm me for a buddy system .... I just want to do it all again. I need help. I need friends. I need helping friends. A bunch of 'em. I need to be lured back into the saddle by a new bunch of fun-loving riders! ~Jen

[Biciclista]

You're already on the right forum. And in NO CAL, there are lots of cyclists who are women. And if you need inspiration, Tomorrow is the Death Ride. YOu can go there and cheer some other people on!

We all have our demons. I'm lazy and I too get frustrated when everyone else is better than I am. I did a mountain climb a few weeks ago, and even though 98% of the other riders passed me going up (well, and going down, too!) I still managed to have a great ride. You can do it.

GOod luck and welcome to TE.

[Becky]

OMG. I could have written that second paragraph about me. I don't belong to a club, but I work PT at a bike shop and the competitiveness of it all (co-workers and customers!) just drains me. All of the talk about equipment and how fast and how far just makes me want to cry some days. What happened to just riding for fun?

I'm sorry that I don't have advice for you, but I can definitely sympathize with you, cuz I'm feeling exactly the same way. I'm looking forward to what others have to say and share about this topic.

(((Hugs)))

[Tri Girl]

Welcome back, Jen. I can relate in a way. When I first started riding I immediately fell into triathlons. Started training fast, getting competitive and having fun. Then at some point it wasn't fun anymore (I gained about 20 lbs and couldn't keep up and started to feel unathletic, slow, fat, etc). This year I decided to not race. I'm riding slower and learning to look around and not just focus on the road in front of me. I did a 4 day supported tour and have taken the cyclometer off my bike. I'm trying to learn to love riding again, not because I can go fast, but because being on my bike is such a joy. Today I rode for 1.5 hours and had a great time. I took my time, stopped to take pictures, watched the ducks in the lake, noticed how the sun shone on the water, etc. When I got home I realized I only averaged 11 mph. If I'd known that on the ride, it would've bothered me and made me get all angry/competitive.

Go for some rides without the cyclometer, without your HR monitor, with a snack to stop and enjoy along the way, and just enjoy being outside on your bike.

[HappyTexasMom]

I'm a newbie, so don't have past experiences to share. But I think your experience articulates for me a fear that I have that I haven't been able to put my finger on until just now. I know I don't want to do competitive biking. I'm not a competitive person and don't really think I am or ever will be a strong enough athlete to do so. However I do want to get better...I want to be fast/good enough not to hold the people around me back. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. I'm in it for the joy of riding, and for the scenery. One of many reasons I've chosen this sport is because I want to be able to see things that I can't see in a gym, and don't have the range to see while walking/running. I'm already enjoying the things I see right around my neighborhood by bike that I've never seen in my car, even though I've lived here 15 years. Roads I don't (or can't) drive on. Smells in the air. The sound of the wind blowing in the trees (however few and far between they are...ha!). Cycling is just fast enough to get somewhere, yet slow enough to enjoy the journey. I love it (so far). But I do fear that as I try to get better/faster, somewhere along the way it won't be fun anymore.

I like the ideas of taking off the cyclometer, and enjoying the ride for what it is. I guess it's a metaphor for life...aren't we supposed to be enjoying the ride, certainly not seeing how quickly we can get to the end?

[HermitGirl]

Bicyclista ~ I dont' think I'll go to the DeathRide, but thanks for the suggestion. Being in the fray of excitement isn't the joy, at least for long. I prefer aspiring to be a Quiet Solo Rider really. I have one girlfriend who shares the mtn we live on, she just bought a bike, we're planning on starting up again together, riding together on some weekends.... just SlowRiders of the mtn.

Becky ~ Glad you can relate ! WE should pm !

Tri Girl ~ I agree fully... slow down, pack the panniers full of stuff ; picnic, campstove and coffee, knitting, good book ;)

TexasMom ~ Stay with the thread then, lets learn to ride for pure relaxation and slow fitness (sort of like slow food?) ;)

[Kalidurga]

This is what helped me:

http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z163/KaliDurga/assorted_crap/12b-1.jpg

Because of that, I took the computer off of my bike at the beginning of this year, and I haven't logged into bikejournal.com even once. It's made a world of difference, like being a kid again just out riding for the heck of it. Whether I'm alone or with riding partners, I just ride.

[HermitGirl]

Kalidurga ! Thank you !!! I totally relate to the whole thing ! It was written just for ME !

I even have four bikes (downsized from six) . One for every occasion, 'cept that in recent years they have been sorely utilized. :(

I think I need to start with that 10-minute ride, as often as possible .

I will print this out and put it in my bathroom to see everymorning ! :)

[Tri Girl]

Kalidurga- that's a great article!!! Thanks for posting it. :)

[HappyTexasMom]

slow down, pack the panniers full of stuff ; picnic, campstove and coffee, knitting, good book ;)


God that sounds fabulous. Now to get good enough to go some sort of distance. (I love to knit and read, too!).

[Becky]

Kalidurga- that's a great article!!! Thanks for posting it. :)

+3!

A more print-friendly version is available at http://www.sheldonbrown.com/bridgestone/1994/pages/12.htm.
I will be hanging this up in the bike room!

[HermitGirl]

God that sounds fabulous. Now to get good enough to go some sort of distance. (I love to knit and read, too!). Heck, I've wanted to post a SlowRider forum forever, never found one. On the SlowRiders forum , the motto would be "ride fast enough,just to keep the bike upright, and from falling over." ;) All about panniers and packing them for a tour of your hometown, or your neighborhood, suburban backroads, whatever. Chase after and log the wonderful Vista Spots!

Knitter too? COol.

Another cool item for panniers : pruners, to make cuttings along the way to propogate. I love to garden as well. ;)

[Zen]

I rode with a club for one summer and that was enough.
I always carry my camera.
I don't care how many people pass me.
If the ride turns into a bad experience I cut it short.
I don't read anything here that hints of anything extreme. The word "epic" and graphs are, well I'll be nice and just say avoided.

I chose my user name with good reason. Yours will come.

[HermitGirl]

Another thing has occurred to me : I met my DH when I was race-fit, and 50 pounds smaller and buffer, and well, I think I let my whole self image shape itself around his impression of me (or my perception of his impression of me) , and so, talk about unrealistic expectations to be upheld. Many married women know how emotionally constricting it is to have a false halo or bunch of old worn-out expectations as baggage to carry in a relationship. I realized just as I was getting choked by my own guilt, that I am getting choked by a degree of percieved expecation from my DH, and that does *nothing* good for a marriage, believe me. A real lose-lose situation, but one I must own up to, and take full responsibility in turning around. Oy. Hard work on all fronts !

[ginny]

Ms Hermit,

I totally relate. I have been there... with alpine skiing. Oh man, I just LOVED to ski when I was a kid. I didn't know about form; I didn't care. I loved feeling the snow slide beneath me and I even loved falling down and seeing how much stuff I could lose each time I fell. I was the kid with the tree cops chasing me. Then, I went to college and I couldn't afford to ski. I joined ski patrol so I could ski for free. These were good skiers. They were technically accurate and fast and competitive. I got better - quite good in fact. Then the magic went away, then I burned out. My answer, quit ski patrol. Take up telemarking and snow boarding and skate skiing and x country skiing and ... well you get the picture. I think it's analogous to the advice you have received here. Ride when you feel like it. Recapture that joy - I love silly things on my townie bike - it helps me not take myself too seriously. Falling off is also quite good for my ego, but maybe that's just me. I like the picnic / knitting idea - how fun! Don't push it, and your sport will recapture yor imagination. Enjoy the journey! :)

[HermitGirl]

Zen ~ I believe that's where riding was born for me, in the quiet place of my life, but as you follow the story, it's when other people came into that quiet place, did it evolve out of quietness. I want the quiet back, I crave it. I crave being able to hear the slow gurgle of the creek up the mtn, and the wind in the spokes, and the rustle in the autumn leaves. Oh... I can't wait.

Hey, do you play accordion, or what? :D

[HappyTexasMom]

BTW I love the term "Slow Riding". Doesn't hurt that it makes me feel better. :p

I do want to get fit, so I don't want all of my rides to be too slow, but I figure if I can ride 50 or more miles, not matter what the pace, I'll be ahead of where I'm at now.

I'm also a budding photographer, so this style of cycling melds perfectly with it. Now to move my butt somewhere that has scenery that I enjoy more (OregonOregonOregonOregon). ;)

[HermitGirl]

+3!A more print-friendly version is available at http://www.sheldonbrown.com/bridgestone/1994/pages/12.htm.
I will be hanging this up in the bike room!Thank you ! I will frame it , I will, I will, I will... as testimony to my love and yearning to ride . so ironic that the date on the Bridgestone newsletter is the date I really needed to hear the advice, as that was the year everything started to change for the worse, and I joined the hammerheads club .

[HermitGirl]

BTW I love the term "Slow Riding". Doesn't hurt that it makes me feel better. :p

I do want to get fit, so I don't want all of my rides to be too slow, but I figure if I can ride 50 or more miles, not matter what the pace, I'll be ahead of where I'm at now.

I'm also a budding photographer, so this style of cycling melds perfectly with it. Now to move my butt somewhere that has scenery that I enjoy more (OregonOregonOregonOregon). ;) SlowRiding is a mentality, an attitude.... not an actual pace. :D It's all relative to the clutter keeping one agitated too much, not enjoying turning the crank.... or stopping to take photographs! :D

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I suggest you get on your bike in plain old street clothes (with helmet though) and just go ride to have a cappuchino somewhere pleasant. Then ride home.
Think about making your bike a natural part of your everyday lifestyle instead of having biking be a big competition where every ride requires complicated preparations, special gear, and unpleasant emotions for you.
Sounds like you need to re-connect with your inner bicycle child. ;)

[HermitGirl]

I suggest you get on your bike in plain old street clothes (with helmet though) and just go ride to have a cappuchino somewhere pleasant. Then ride home.
Think about making your bike a natural part of your everyday lifestyle instead of having biking be a big competition where every ride requires complicated preparations, special gear, and unpleasant emotions for you.
Sounds like you need to re-connect with your inner bicycle child. ;) I agree about the cappucchino and riding in street clothes. I don't fit into hardly *any* of my old riding clothes anyway. THe other day I just picked up my trail bike and started riding from my door up the ridge road, in my pants and t-shirt... it was thoroughly liberating to not have to GEAR UP for a ride. Thoroughly. Since driving to ride is not my forte, or philosophy, I think I will have to make that cappuccino with my campstove packed in panniers, at a nice turnout with a view of the valley, as I live on top of a mtn at around 2000 ft, ten miles from town. To ride into town to get to the fancy cafes is indeed an epic ride for me at this time (Zen, I did say "epic" ;) _

I do definitely need to reconnect with my inner bicycle child, and not cringe at the thought of the old club riders passing me on the road (I live on a very popular mtn road-riding loop) .. barely recognising me, and then making me feel exphixiated in my own shame of not riding with them any longer .... whatEVER !!!! I think there's a degree of left over paranoia that just makes no sense any longer. Thanks.

[HermitGirl]

Bleeker St Girl ~ I am getting slammed with coincidences right and left.... I quickly viewed your profile ... I own a mtn dulcimer, but hardly know how to play it, and was thinking just the other day how I must change that !

Weird !!!:eek: , but ina cool kind of way :cool:

[Biciclista]

check out her dulcimer blog she will help you with that too!

[OakLeaf]

I could've written a lot of your post. Except it wasn't jealousy I burned out on, it was just futility. I knew going into it that I was never going to be a national caliber athlete, but I reached a point where I'd have to train like a national caliber athlete if I was going to get any faster. My life was work and training. It just stopped being fun. I didn't ride for twelve years.

What got me back into it was a Women's Quest (http://www.womensquest.com/) retreat. It was the Northern California wine country retreat I did, actually. They're not cheap, but it was an amazingly wonderful experience that I'd recommend to anyone with the budget to afford it. One of the many things I came home with was the desire to get back on my bike. I'd finally been away from it long enough. And got reintroduced to it in an environment where any stupid voices in my head could get confronted right away.

I think you've gotten a lot of great suggestions (as usual around here!).

[Crankin]

I can totally relate to you, on 2 levels. First, the same thing happened to me with aerobics. I loved it, participated for 6 years, and then I became an instructor. For the next 10 years I taught at various places, in 2 states. I began to hate it. I was 15 pounds underweight and obsessed with being skinny. Problem was, I was comparing myself to other instructors who were 20 years old. I went from being in my early 30's to early 40's during this time. Also, I am not a dancer and not much into music, so the technical part was WORK for me. I quit when I decided I wanted to be a consumer of the services! But, I didn't go much, got lazy and got fat.
So, my son started racing and my husband started riding. After a couple of years, my husband bought me some cycling shorts and a jersey and put me on an old mountain bike. I could barely breathe, and I thought I was in shape! My riding improved steadily; I never wanted to be competitive, but I knew I was better than the "slow" riders. I got certified as a trip leader and started leading trips for AMC and was on the bike committee. Guess what? I started resenting cycling! Then, 2 years ago, I got sick, with stuff no one has ever figured out. One of the things that resulted was I couldn't ride as fast. So, last year I did a few things to make me want to keep going.
I got a flat bar road bike I use for "smell the roses" rides, errands, destination rides, in addition to my carbon road bike. I took myself off of Bike Journal. I stopped using my HR monitor. I rarely look at my average, just miles.
Last season I rode the same amount of miles as the year before, but much slower. I also did more hiking, walking, yoga, xc country skiing, and snow shoeing. This winter, I started running. I *know* I am a slow runner, and it's just for fitness. I will never run in a race...
Guess what? In the last 2 weeks, I realized that my fitness level is back to where it was and so is my speed. But, I don't care. I mostly ride with others who are like me, or if they are faster, are not fanatic. So while most of my life revolves around cycling and other sports, it's on a healthy level. I even quit my gym membership, for the first time since I was 26 years old (I am 55), because I can do everything I need to at home or outside.
I think moderation is the key. The point is to keep doing this until you fall over and croak!

[HappyTexasMom]

SlowRiding is a mentality, an attitude.... not an actual pace. :D It's all relative to the clutter keeping one agitated too much, not enjoying turning the crank.... or stopping to take photographs! :D

Well, I wasn't really taking it literally, although I see that it sounded like I was. :) I just meant that for some of the things I'd like to do, I'm not going to be able to take too much of a smell the roses approach, or I just won't be able to get them done. That said, I think it still fits in with doing what I want to do to enjoy my riding.. :)

[Lakerider]

I ride alone most times. My favorite places to rides are near lakes & rivers. Just enjoying the nature around me is so calming. I do keep track of my miles but I'm not in compitition with anyone except maybe myself, improving my indurance. I hope that you can find your joy in riding again soon!

[HappyTexasMom]

Btw I'd love to come ride with you on your mountain (my ideal environment)...in a very non-competitive way, of course. You'd probably have to drop me, because I'd be stopping every 30 seconds to take pictures. ;)

[lph]

This is a great thread. I happen to love riding fast, and am at my most competitive (which isn't very) on a bike, but your thoughts on being a Slow Rider are just the way I feel about kayak paddling at the moment. I know plenty of people who paddle fast, are technically very experienced and can teach me a lot... but I don't want to. I adore sliding silently through the water close to shore, suddenly realizing I can see pale rocks on the bottom glowing through clear water, noticing the amazing colour of those flowers growing right down by the edge, trying to capture the reflection with my camera before my waves disturb it, watching a scruffy gull chick eeping with a beady-eyed parent bird watching me. I like being a Slow Paddler, and have no desire to speed up and lose all this. I don't paddle as much as I just slide around in a kayak, seeing things I would never see otherwise.

So my only tip would be bring a camera, a thermos flask of coffee and some cookies, and go out for a ride to take pictures and drink coffee someplace completely new, with the bike just as a means to get there.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Great post, LPH! I love to kayak-glide too, and contemplate the rocks under the surface and the reeds growing on the shore.
My favorite kayak moment was paddling out to the middle of a mirror-still Adirondack lake years ago during a very difficult time in my life. I paddled out there in the middle of nowhere on the still water with fog creeping over the surface. I just sat motionless in the kayak, soaking in the peacefulness. A loon surfaced near me and began to call, and a single feather came off him and floated over to me, like a gift. I cried for a long time there, partly feeling sad for myself, and partly crying at the beauty and spirituality of that moment. I felt hope and closure when I returned to the shore.

[Selkie]

Hermit -- I ride alone, too, for many reasons. I can go at my own pace, wherever I want, for as long/short as I want, etc. That's true freedom. In addition, it's the one part of my day when I'm truly by myself and I have time to meditate/think.
By nature, I'm an introvert and enjoy my own company. I like people, but I also need that private time.

[sundial]

I'm a soloist as well and like MickChick I prefer to enjoy nature and go at my pace.

I bought a bike this year that has a very distinct personality. It doesn't want to go fast. It just wants to enjoy a nice, slow, leisurely pace that allows me to enjoy the small pleasures of life. I wanted to get back to cycling where I enjoy the ride moreso than tracking performance.

Perhaps your older bike serves as a reminder of what you would rather forget. Maybe it's time to start a new chapter with a different bike. :)

[Yen]

Yep, burn-out. Burn-out can require a long recovery. When you've recovered, you'll know it.

One danger that leads to burn-out is not staying true to our own ways. If you prefer solo riding, or recreational riding, but you pushed yourself beyond your true desires, it's natural you lost your taste for something you otherwise loved.

You might try easing back into it a little at a time. Focus on the parts that you LOVE about it -- the wind in your face, feeling like a kid again -- and do it only when you want to, not forcing yourself to go out or feeling guilty when you don't. You may need to take some small bites that you really enjoy to develop your taste for riding again.

[shootingstar]

I've never had any goal for cycling in upcoming seasons after each winter when I start cycling lots again. When I "re-improve', only because I am cycling alot again, it's like falling in love all over again. :)

And that's the way I hope it will always be. It's worked for me for past 17 yrs. since rediscovering cycling and part of why it works, is that a large chunk of my cycling is solo, at least 40%.

But it also helps when I cycle with another person, it usually is for each other's company, though we don't necessarily say much at all. My partner and I, unlike some cycling couples ,don't say much to one another when we cycle together. Often it's like a journey meditation together, even though we usually aren't cycling side by side most of the time. Yes, we can go for 50 kms. and probably have said less than 10 sentences to one another, but it's pure zen to us. :):)

And oh, since we live car-free for many years now, bike is just part of us. So it's not always something I think about as I "have to" bike. It just IS for us.

[solobiker]

This has been great to read. I struggled for a while when I couldn't be as fast I used to when I was alpine climbing with a heavy pack. In my early 30s I could easily blow past men and women while I was carrying a 30-40 pound pack with climbing gear. well, I have gotten older and have nerve issues in my feet that don't allow me to do that anymore. I now take my time both on my hikes and bike rides to look at anything that may catch my eye.

There is so much beauty out there it is amazing.

[indigoiis]

Another thing has occurred to me : I met my DH when I was race-fit, and 50 pounds smaller and buffer, and well, I think I let my whole self image shape itself around his impression of me (or my perception of his impression of me) , and so, talk about unrealistic expectations to be upheld. Many married women know how emotionally constricting it is to have a false halo or bunch of old worn-out expectations as baggage to carry in a relationship. I realized just as I was getting choked by my own guilt, that I am getting choked by a degree of percieved expecation from my DH, and that does *nothing* good for a marriage, believe me. A real lose-lose situation, but one I must own up to, and take full responsibility in turning around. Oy. Hard work on all fronts !


This may not seem like your primary concern - but it is a huge deal. I totally know what you mean. My husband met me when I was a mess - 28 and a heavy drinker and smoker and 110 lbs and a size 2. I look at pics of me from then and often feel very remiss that I gained all the weight when I quit smoking and drinking. But the truth of the matter is, you were probably too skinny before and now you're just right. It's just hard to put it in perspective, ya know? I can relate.

I like the idea of slow riding. I'm competitive too. Slowing down is not a bad thing (easier said than done.)

I am competing in a 1/2 marathon in October and asked my husband if he would join me. He said, "nah, I'm just gonna take my bike out to the drive and tuck a book in my jersey and wait for you guys to run by..." it almost made me want to cancel my registration so I can join him instead! LOL.

+1 "just go ride and have fun."