A bit OT - Climbing after a fall.

[Grog]

My boyfriend, whom I have lived with for nearly two years, left me last week, and this afternoon he moved some of his stuff - but above all, himself - away.

We are in pretty good terms, but I am so, so sad.

When he left there was only one thing I could do because I'm so sick of crying. I hopped on the bike and went to climb the Mont-Royal (for those who don't know of Montreal, we have this 250 meters hill in the center of the city). Twice. I don't feel much better now, but at least it was nearly an hour of not thinking about anything and above all that will help me sleep tonight.

I had to share this with you gals. My other girlfriends don't understand the bike thing too well and don't understand why one would want to do any other thing than talk right now. That's just not what I needed... Thanks for being there, even if virtually.

[solobiker]

I am sorry to hear of your recent change, if you know what I mean. I definately understand how important it was to get out on the bike and hit the hills. It gives you a chance to "clear your mind". I too am very much that way, if I am in a bump in the road of life I usually need to get out for a run or a long ride just to think and become one and get into that zone. Hang in there!!

[singletrackmind]

All I know for sure is that nothing is. Boys come, boys go. Tis never a tragedy but only making space for a new one. If things work, great, if not there's a good reason. Hurt is the scab on the wound, a new man before you are done healing only a band-aid. You own your heart and mind when you have no need for band-aids.

When I was forced to leave a relationship after 9 years I rode and rode and rode. Incredible therapy. I met so many new people and made friendships that are still with me today, 9 years later. Come to think of it, I met my husband while out riding and during my first mtb race season we kept bumping into each other. That led to riding together and realizing how great we fit.
I was SOOOOOOO messed up when I left the other guy but this one is so much more than he ever was. Sure, it was a lot of heartache and a couple years worth of both dud guys and guys who were great but just not for me. I had many great adventures I'd have never had otherwise and am way happier than I could ever have been with guy #1. More importantly I remembered who I am by myself and how strong I am as an individual. Now, in retrospect, I can't even imagine how I didn't know we really weren't right for each other in the first place.

Ride long, ride hard, cry, laugh, socialize, learn something new or pick up something you used to do again, enjoy. Huge hugs and best wishes for your future. There's always a reason.

[Grog]

Oooh, thank you girls for your kind and inspirational words. I too like to think that something finishing is opportunities opening up, but well... on the very moment when things finish, that's not exactly what I think about...

I am glad I started riding because I have been meeting many new people and such great ones recently, including the girls here at TE! Who knows where rides may lead? And even if I don't meet a cyclist, well... my new, remodelled legs can be of some help in seducing NewGuy anyway. :)


pick up something you used to do again

It's amazing the number of things we loved that we just happen to drop when we start a new relationship, isn't it? There's a couple of things I may go back to... Like reading more and going to more repertoire movies... but only when it rains!!!

[Bustertb]

Sorry to hear about your break-up. I totally understand about the 'going for a ride' thing. There are days...no, weeks, where I say, "if I can't get out of my bike I'm gonna kill someone." I haven't so don't worry :) I am an outdoor person. I love gardening and being outside. The thing about that is when my neighbor's who don't work in their yard see me they want to talk. When I'm on my bike - A. the other people out there know to smile or wave and then GO ON! and B. The neighbor's who always want to waste my time listening to their endless chatter would never be out there! Love being on my bike. It helps clean out my mind.

[Trek420]

Grog,

<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>

we've all been there and done that. Now, if only there was a t-shirt, and Spazz probably will find one. And, what singletrackmind said.

"even if I don't meet a cyclist, well... my new, remodelled legs can be of some help in seducing NewGuy anyway. :)"

You did a 950 meters hill twice just to blow off a lil' steam? Your legs are just fine but do those hill repeats girrrl. And if OldGuy sees you blur by, give him a parting glance at what he can't believe he's missing.

"I left THAT? Doh! Idiot"

Living well and looking good doing it are the best revenge :p

[Grog]

You did a 950 meters hill twice just to blow off a lil' steam?

No! A 250 meters (elevation)! unfortunately... and just a couple of kilometers - the going up part is about 3-5 km (I should check that out) I wish I had a 950 meters hill anywhere close!!! That would blow off LOADS of steam!!!

Just curious though:

I was discussing with a friend that sometimes cyclists can be somewhat intimidating to other people. I remember, when I was only commuting on a very old bike, thinking that those roadies zooming by were from another planet. People riding 3000 km/year + can't be "real", can they? (well they ARE!!) So, on the dating front, has any of you gals ever experienced guys that were intimidated by the cycling thing? (Not that I would refrain from cycling to prevent that, but I am curious because I know it does happen in the professional field - guys do not always have what it takes to appreciate a girl that's more accomplished in her job than they are). Any thoughts on this?

Of course, I'd rather meet someone who's turned on by this and wants to get into cycling too.

[solobiker]

GROG, I myself have never experienced that. Everyone I have ever spent time with liked the fact that I was independent enough to do "my own thing" and didn't need him to guide or direct me. I used to do a lot of mountaineering and tended to be faster then a lot of our male friends, and they actually were quite impressed. Although I do think I had to prove myself initially as on one of the first days we were set out to climb I could tell they were a bit nervous having a "girl" come along as I would slow them down. Well that didn't happen and actually my climbing partner and i had to wait for them. Well anyway, I think most men would invite an independent women in their lives, and if they don't then I would becareful as you don't want to lose who you truely are.

[swlsue]

:( Sorry to hear about our break-up.
Big hugs to you today.
It's empowering to ride strong - especailly when life seems out of your control. Good for you :)

[Trek420]

I find that most people, men or women non bikers and casual Sunday-round-the-block-bikers are intimidated by what we do. How many times have you heard something like "you rode WHAT? you rode to WHERE? I can't even ride around the block".

Yep in the wackey wonderfull world of dating it can be an issue. I've heard comments from a date such as "I think you have two screws loose to ride that far". Alrighty then, "check please?"

I think people have two screws loose NOT to bike or at least get some kind of freakin' excersise, hang up the phone, log off and get outside. But maybe that's just me.

I second what solobiker sez "I think most men would invite an independent woman in their lives, and if they don't then I would be careful as you don't want to lose who you truely are." You deserve and *will find* NewGuy who appreciates what you can do and is supportive of that, whether he rides or not. A quality guy would be proud of you whether he waits at the top of the hill for you or (more likely) you wait for him or he's at home fixing the back up bike or cooking the recovery meal.

Meanwhile, get outside and have fun, meet new friends, do things, amaze us all.

Was this an issue with OldGuy?

[On_yer_left!]

I'm sorry for the pain of your breakup, Grog -- and you're on the right path. I've found that feeling the wind on my face, the power in my legs, the beautiful Colorado landscape in front of me -- it has the most amazing effect on my perspective. Gives me a little hope where I had none, makes me appreciate what I have and gives me the confidance that I can pretty much survive anything.

More than a year ago, I was a round-the-clock drinker, only able to climb the stairs in my apartment or make my way to a liquor store. I was 30 pounds heavier, and a shaking, hopeless mess. When I got sober, I had hours of empty time my drinking used to take up, I was full of fear of the future and I couldn't sleep -- a common thing in early sobriety. Even tho I hadn't been on a bike in 20 years, a friend talked me into getting one as a 3-month "birthday" present to myself. My fear left me on my bike, hope re-entered my life and after good, strenuous rides, I could sleep again!

Since then, I've put 3,000 miles on my bike -- 3 century rides, a 400-mile tour of the rockies. I've met some amazing people. I have confidance and am even -- gasp -- proud of myself and what I've achieved in a year. Not to say that a bike will solve all your problems, but it gave me a new view of the world and of myself -- something I couldn't seem to get anywhere else.

Hang in there, keep riding, enjoy the views and be proud of your strength.

[LBTC]

Leftie, you've done an amazing thing! Good work! You should be very proud!!

Grog, you'll make it! Keep riding lots and feeling your own power. And I agree with singletrack and others....if the "new guy" doesn't fit....don't settle! Heck, at this point, don't even worry about finding a new guy. You will, when the time is right and the guy is right. If you try to hard, you might do what so many of us do....not see what's right before our eyes, just because we thought it might look different! :)

Hang on, girl! and ride HARD!

Namaste,
~T~

[Grog]

Oh! Girls, you are amazing, thank you so much to all of you for your kind words and great butt-kickin' comments :)

I kind of like the idea of a good fit. To say the truth, I am not convinced that such a thing as a perfect fit is possible between a man and a woman (or between any two human beings actually) on all aspects of life, for ever. I guess you must be willing to change your position a bit on long rides and even make readjustments of the components (handlebars, saddle...). But the base must be a very good fit, you are quite right. (Sometimes you change so much that you need a new bike??)


Was this an issue with OldGuy?

Not really as he is from a cycling/sports in general family and I bought my first bike because of him. When I seriously got the bug though I did feel that he was less interested into cycling all of a sudden... That was too bad. It kinda fixed itself when his parents offered him a road bike after he finished an important exam though! :) Now that we've broken up he wants to keep riding with me because I'm the one with all the cool, fast cycling friends. :P

I have just noticed in general that many men can be intimidated by today's strong, opinionated, often successful women. The number of single, professional women (in law, medicine, universities) testifies for this. So I was guessing that a women who's strong on the bike/in some sport could also be intimidating to some guys who still consider, even unconsciously, the sports territory as theirs. I'm glad to feel supported by you gals on this: I'll stick to my strengths.

--

And Leftie, you rock!!!! :D I am very glad for you and I'm very inspired by your story.

--

p.s. I'm getting a Velo Bella shortsleeve jersey to celebrate... myself! I'm going to crash my 1500 kilometers goal for the season this week and I still have months and months of riding ahead!

[latelatebloomer]

I love your attitude, and you WILL find someone who loves the way you challenge yourself.

Lefty, thanks for your story. I've faced some of those demons myself, and the wind in my face blows them all away.

On similar vein, any of the other newbies (or you vets, think back, as Miss Tina says, way back!) dealing with their women friends acting weird/fading out as you get serious about riding? I could have picked up a lot worse habit than riding my bike! :confused:

[mtbdarby]

Grogs, hugs to you girlfriend. What a great step in starting the healing process by sharing with your friends here that understand.

I thought I had met the man of my dreams this winter. We both thought we were the one and Bam - he walked out. I wanted to get back into biking and he's a mtb'er but I refused to not get into it because of him. We haven't talked in 3 months and I literally ran into him last Thursday after my ride. We talked for about 20 minutes, and as much as I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me up, I stood there and talked. I was so proud of myself for not running or crying but it was hard. I may not be truely "over" him yet, but I am moving on and you will too. As luck would have it, one of the guys on my team for my upcoming race stopped by to chat this weekend and ended up talking for 6 hours! When he left he turned around and planted one on me! Talk about surprised, but he thinks it's great he finally found a good woman who likes to bike (hard to argue that, right?!). Of course, now I don't want to mess things up for my race because right now, that's more important to me, lol. My point, it may surprise you when you meet another guy but you will. And he'll be damn lucky to have found you. Be true to yourself and don't give up the things you enjoy for anyone. Remember, this too shall pass.

Leftie, you're amazing! Thanks for sharing your story - that's not always an easy thing to do. God bless you in your battle and we're here for you if you ever need us. I just got divorced from an alcoholic so I probably have a different perspective but I respect the strides you've made and am cheering you on!

You Go Girls! What an amazing group of ladies on this board. I am honored to be a part of it....

[bikerchick68]

Lefty- so, so proud of you! way to go on turning your life around!!!

GROG, I've been there too... I was married and my now-exhusband walked out last year, divorce finalized last December... any and all physical activity saved me... I cycled, I walked, I went to the gym... anything to burn off that nervous energy... my friends were there for me but not one of them has ever gone thru a divorce so they couldn't always understand what I was feeling...

as to dating... yeah, it can intimidate some guys... they find out I ride a bike and say things like, "Oh, we should go for a ride sometime, I have a bike!" and then ask how far I ride etc... I don't hide who I am but sometimes now I just answer that we'll ride however far they want to go and leave it at that ;) so far I haven't dated any one man long enough for it to be a problem...

I agree tho, to give yourself time to heal first, before you date again... work your way thru the grieving process and be gentle with yourself... know that you can go back and forth thru the stages of grieving, including anger, denial, bargaining, depression etc... allow it to happen in a healthy way and when the anger part hits keep an eye on your avg mph! WOOT! I suddenly got REAL fast!! LOL... take care and keep us posted on ho you're doing OK? hugs...

[Tar-Cat]

So sorry to hear about your "situation". I ended a 5-year relationship back in the fall, and for days I had trouble sleeping and found it hard to talk without crying - hard, when you have to teach 2 classes a day. A couple days after, I went for a swim. It was exactly what I needed. I ended up swimming thousands upon thousands of yards a day, 5 days a week. I would go on autopilot mid-swim, just going along, thinking about everything from my thesis, to my classes, to everything else going on in my life - so absorbed in that, in fact, that I jammed my hand directly into the wall too many times.

It's amazing what exercise and a good support system can do to get you through the really rough times. Hang in there, keep riding, and keep leaning on your friends - it's why they are there!

[nuthatch]

so absorbed in that, in fact, that I jammed my hand directly into the wall too many times.

Oh dear! Grog, hope you don't experience the cycling equivalent of those swimming injuries!

Thanks for starting this thread - I know everyone on this forum has experienced this kind of loss (and when our British friends call it "gutting" it's absolutely the perfect way to describe it). It still hurts a bit, even many, many years later.

This thread made me start thinking about the attraction/competition type of response that SOs have to our athleticism. Does anyone else have stories about what happened when their cycling performance exceeded their partner's? My take is that it's cool and scary at the same time for them and they don't quite know how to respond.

[MomOnBike]

Nuthatch sez:
This thread made me start thinking about the attraction/competition type of response that SOs have to our athleticism. Does anyone else have stories about what happened when their cycling performance exceeded their partner's?

My cycling really picked up when DH got me a really cool 10-speed Raleigh for for our 1st anniversary. Suddenly I could leave him in the dust. ;) Just as suddenly, he needed a new bike, and then we were more or less even again. (He still commutes on that bike, and Walter and I get out sometimes, too.)

Now, on down hills, William and I can leave him like he's standing still - but that's OK, 'cause he gets us on the uphills. (Just wait 'til I lose another 30 lbs...)

For all that, I don't think he carries his ego on his bike.

Now, if I suddenly became a better musician than he is, we'd have real problems. Probably not an issue, he practices way more than I do. :rolleyes:

[Tar-Cat]

I am in much better shape than my current BF. The first few times we rode together I thought it would be fine - I neglected the fact that those were my first few times on my road bike, and I was being ultra-careful with those skinny tires! Now if I go slow enough to ride with him I feel like I'm not getting a workout at all. I know I could just ride on my own instead those days, or stay behind him so I don't leave him in the dust...but I always wonder if he's actually working hard or just toiling around out there, and half the time I want to get in front and push him to go harder. For now, we ride seperately.