disheartening dilemma

[Miranda]

Deep down in my gutt, I think already know the answer to this situation. But, I don't want to listen. I want it to be wrong. Guess I just need some chatting support from my cycling TE family to sort it out.

OK...

After finally figuring out the root of my pain issues, I got myself a new bike that fits. Yeah! With that, I'm working towards training for my first century. Article on TE here, very helful.

Unfortunately I don't have a riding partner for it. I'm doing the event I have picked out regardless. Just company would be nice.

My new ride pal is not able to do the event for various reasons. One of which I don't think we could ever ride at the same ability with some her health limitations. I have some of my own. I totally understand. It's a great thing about our relationship.

Well... I have one guy pal that spoke up to do the century with me. Our riding relationship is about like my GF and her DH. They can not cycle together.

The GF's DH is above her ability. He is so "die-hard" he can't do an easier pace. This is my guy pal too. We tried it before mtb. Omg, what a disaster. I was in so much physical pain disobeying my docs orders. Plus on the disheartening aspect, I just cried the whole car ride home. I know he was angry and frustrated I couldn't ride like his guy buddy. I know "never" is a long time... but I don't think I want a repeat.

My guy pal has lost his riding partner equal. I've told him, *I* will never be "it". Can ya lighten up and just ride? He admits that riding alone just sux and kills the will. I agree.

But, the thought of re-living my mtb experience with him on my first century is literally giving me a sickening pit in my stomach. Though he says that is not about speed... I just *know* (in my gutt) he will ultimately be unhappy how I ride it.

He's been a huge support to me on info since I re-found a bike. Actually, he was one of the main inspirations I started cycling. I think he feels like I'm his "pupil" in a way. But... I'm the student that's a disappointment to his expections.

I'm happy with how I am doing. Actually, I'm pretty proud of myself. I know my limitations. I'm good with it. Unlike some peeps I know OCD stress of NEVER good enough. That's my GF's DH. And a lot of guy roadies I'm met so far as potential partners.

The thought of riding alone is sorta sad. It would be nice to share my personal victory with someone when I cross my 100th mile. It should be him technically. Based upon our history. But, the mere thought is just stressing me out! And weighing sadly on my heart...

:(*huge sigh*:(

[tulip]

Are you considering doing the century for him or for you? There, that wasn't so hard to figure out, was it?

I bet there's a riding club in your area with riders of your speed and temperament. You figure out whom you are riding for, and then go from there.

Best of luck. A century is a hard and worthy goal (I still have not done one). You deserve to do it on your terms.

[Mr. Bloom]

I would tell him that it would be great to ride with him...but you can't do that pace. He should feel to go ahead and ya'll can ride home together...

You'll make friends along the way...and ride with a new group.

Last year for RaIN, Silver (the superior rider) told me she didn't want to push herself...but I did. I went on, found a spontaneous pace line of five guys (who's names I still remember) and we stuck together for 90 of the 160 miles. I had a blast...and Silver did as well with folks she met along the way.

Don't stress over this...but also don't try to "keep up with the Jones' " if it hurts

[OakLeaf]

riding alone just sux and kills the will.

Look up my thread a few weeks back about riding alone. I got some great suggestions.

Plus. If this is an organized century, you won't be riding alone if you don't want to. Even if there are only a couple of hundred riders, one of them will be riding your pace. One of you will catch up to the other at a stop sign early in the ride, and then it's up to you whether you want to do the whole rest of the ride together - or at least give it a try until the first food stop.

[Zen]

It would be nice to share my personal victory with someone when I cross my 100th mile.

That's kind of contradicting yourself.
You don't need no stinkin' external affirmation, woman!
Revel in your personal achievement!

I could understand the need for a training partner, tho.

[TrekTheKaty]

Riding with someone like that increases your risk of not finishing the century. Would you rather finish on your own terms or take the Sag Wagon? I told my DH the pace I planned and he told me his--we split up and both felt fulfilled at the end. I fell in with several different groups along my century. You won't be out there alone. My first century was scary but worth every minute.

Meet him at the start and have a beer together after--you will still have stories to share.

[Cataboo]

You could try one like 20 mile training ride with him and see if he can deal with doing your pace - if he can't, he can't. I can easily get killed mountain biking with other people, but that's mostly because I don't do it much and I don't really have strategies for hills, etc... but I do a bit better riding on road.

But I think you'd be fine doing a century on your own.

[tctrek]

Everyone has to ride their own ride. I spent the past year chasing DH up hills and running trying to catch his draft... and it DID NOT make me a better rider. It made me sore and frustrated and always angry at him.

This season, I told him I am riding my ride and he can ride his. We start out together and if he takes off and drops me, so be it. Funny, he keeps coming back to where I am an joining me :D ... he doesn't like to ride alone either.

Just food for thought.

[TrekTheKaty]

Funny, he keeps coming back to where I am an joining me :D ... he doesn't like to ride alone either.

Just food for thought.


YEP, us too--he actually does circles around me for fun (literally) :D

[Miranda]

Look up my thread a few weeks back about riding alone. I got some great suggestions.

Plus. If this is an organized century, you won't be riding alone if you don't want to. Even if there are only a couple of hundred riders, one of them will be riding your pace. One of you will catch up to the other at a stop sign early in the ride, and then it's up to you whether you want to do the whole rest of the ride together - or at least give it a try until the first food stop.

Oakleaf, I was trying to search for the thread. Where is it?

Yes... I was thinking before the guy pal said he wanted to ride the event, surely I might find some souls to pass the pedaling miles with. Thx:).

[ttaylor508]

You might want to mention the century you are planning on doing (if it is an organized century). You never know, you might find a riding partner right here!

[OakLeaf]

Here. (http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=31192&highlight=ride)

[spindizzy]

Good advice from everyone here. The metric centuries that I've done: first one I found a woman who was riding my pace - we finished together, second one - rode with various people throughout ride and finished by myself, 3rd one - found a group of guys that I could keep up with and finished with them. It's about the journey and the ride YOU want to do. Start off together and go your seperate ways if necessary.

[kenyonchris]

My SO is SUPERMAN. Literally. He has done the police olympics both on the road and mtb, ridden on the USPS masters cycling team, is a police biking instructor, and on his worst day is tons faster than I am on my best day, and I am a pretty aggressive rider. However, he doesn't THINK he is superman. He thinks everyone should be able to keep up with him. He nearly killed a bunch of bike cops taking one of his bike courses....he played follow the leader with them and took them through the sand volleyball pits a few times. Few of them made it out.
Although he is NEVER critical of me, and protests otherwise, I know he would rather than ride with a group of faster men than with me. I can't pull for him, so he may as well be on his own, and when he pulls for me he has to go slower than what he finds comfortable (uh, that would be faster than 22 mph and maintaining 22 mph for 75 miles is not a possibility for me).
So we go together, gear up together, start off together, then I ride my ride, and he rides his. If it is a ride where we don't want to just hang around all day, I will ride a 100k and he will do the 100 miles....I generally get in about 45 minutes before he does on that....or he brings a book and waits for me to finish the 100 miles.
I find a zen spot riding on my own. I have made new friends, and I listen to my ipod (one earbud) and clock along at my own pace, hammer when I want, coast when i want, and all is well. I would probably increase my time if I had someone to share the work with, but oh well.
Give him a kiss and tell him to leave you and you will see him at the end.
And, on the MTB, I tell him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ME. He can power through a lot of stuff that I pick my way through. I usually find him up the trail, clipped in, hand on tree, having a breather and waiting on me. It works for us.

[Miranda]

*typing breathing a different sigh... or stress relief*

Thx so much thus far for the replies. You guys are awesome:cool:. Been several times I have been at my cycling witts end, and ya pulled me though. It means a lot.

Well... the century is for *ME*. An excellent point. One I should not forget.

And on revealing in my own accomplishment... I had this happen the other day w/wrenching something on my bike for the first time. Diff guy pal showed me how to switch up some pedals. Simple:o, I know. But, when I told him I wanted to do the next set myself... and did it... I was grinning like an idiot the whole car ride home that I finally took a wrench to my bike--*myself*.

At first when I started riding, I almost felt like I had something to prove to my speedy guy pal. I could be "whatever" enough. Hoping I could keep up to have a ride pal. And someone I admired on a certain level...

When that didn't happen, I was depressed a bit. But I think I have grown past that. Think that's why doing the century together is bothering me. When all along riding together is what I wanted...

It's *MY* day to check off one of my "bike dreams"... I don't want it ruined in a mission to fail p*ssing content. Gheez... how's that for blunt?:o:rolleyes: The "tactful" suggestions here help that approach.

A "trial training ride"... awesome idea... great minds think alike...
After the last email that he'd do the century with me etc. I suggested we try a training ride first together. Though after that, being totally honest with myself... I'm not sure I really wanna even do that:o.

Maybe here's the thing... I need encouraging. Not pushing. I'm already hard on myself. I've been told "way too much so". I don't think there is anyone that can drive me further, or harder, than my own heart's desire. Anyone saying that is a falsehood... is somewhat insulting.

Sorry... that last part is pretty arm chair psych/Freudian deep:o:rolleyes:...

[Miranda]

Here. (http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=31192&highlight=ride)

Thanks, Oakleaf. I didn't search quite back far enough in "advance search". I'll be going back to the link to read the tips:).

[Loraura]

Any chance it's the Katy Flatlands century in July?

[Miranda]

OH... on the fasty peeps coming back, that is sorta funny. In an interesting way. That is my guy buddy to a degree.

At first it's all about the performance. That's a good goal. But, it's not everything. Thus, they come back. Or, like my guy pal, they cave when they are lonely and had enough. Soooo... that's my point... why can't you just hammer your brains out on the "alone ride" and scale it back for the "company ride"?

Makes sense to me. I do a bit of that with my new ride pal GF.

Seasons past she tried a group ride w/speedy guys. None waited. Totally left her. She got lost. Was just miserable experience.

Well, she wanted to re-try the group. Only if I agreed to meet up. We did. The leader was eggin me on to take the lead. I wanted to. Could have held it for a bit. But, my GF was struggling with the heat. I was not going to leave her. I was on a "company ride". Not a contest. Thus, I hung back. We rode our own thing. I know she was discouraged. We got to chat... I didn't care.

[Miranda]

Any chance it's the Katy Flatlands century in July?

Nope. But a nice idea:).

The club I joined puts on a tour in August. That one is pushin it too on mileage. Following TE guideline articles. My last training ride was a hillier 34mi. My next step is 40mi.

I decided to volunteer at my club's tour. I will ride part of the mileage. They are always desperate for free workers. I thought it would be a good way to see how an organized ride set up works. Plus, meet some peeps.

Think I will keep asking around about my picked event. I asked at the one club ride. They knew of it. No takers att.

I chose a Fall event. Figured cooler would be better for me. I don't do well in the humidity. And make sure I didn't rush my mileage goals (like the TE article tip says).

My guy pal has ridden this event before. He suggested it to me as good 1st century. Some rollers, but not really hilly. "Realistic" was my criteria. He really liked the ride. Thus why he wants to do it again.

Maybe the "meet you in the parking lot" idea might be a good compromise. He did say part of doing it with ME was that "he would not have the motivation alone"... hmm. I'm the opposite. Once I set my mind to it, there is no stopping me. I might fail serveral times along the way... but, I keep trying until I get it.

[Biciclista]

If guy buddy won't slow down to your pace, don't ride with him on this important ride.
Last weekend i found a great compromise with my guy buddy. I rode the 55 mile loop and he rode the 80. He rode with me for 25 miles AT MY SPEED and then we kissed goodbye and did the rest of our rides at our own rates.
YOU MUST COMMUNICATE THIS with your bike buddy. HE can ride any speed he wants but if he wants to ride with you, he has to let YOU be in charge of the speed. Good luck.

[Miranda]

If guy buddy won't slow down to your pace, don't ride with him on this important ride.
Last weekend i found a great compromise with my guy buddy. I rode the 55 mile loop and he rode the 80. He rode with me for 25 miles AT MY SPEED and then we kissed goodbye and did the rest of our rides at our own rates.
YOU MUST COMMUNICATE THIS with your bike buddy. HE can ride any speed he wants but if he wants to ride with you, he has to let YOU be in charge of the speed. Good luck.

That's a good compromise. My recent training rides are a pace that's easy for him. And one he said he'd still be happy with riding that far at. Looking back on my heartrate in my Garmin stats, the heart rate is high. Meaning my body was working really hard to hold that pace. I don't see me holding that for the whole century. Maybe if I give him the math that will help get it through... meet you in the parking lot post ride. Thx:).

[Miranda]

OK... I tried to give my buddy the Garmin math. Didn't work. The math is that at his planned pace, my HR is 89-90% of my max. At 75-80% of my HR, is my lesser pace. I told him I didn't want to ride in the sag wagon and we would part ways, and re-meet up at the parking lot.

Thought I was golden on that. But, NOOO...

Gheez, typical:rolleyes:... he says, "oh, you have a lot of time to train and improve, etc.".

OK, this is true. But, we're missing the point here:confused:. Which is...

*MY* improvement plan is increasing my miles at a pace that is comfortable for my HR. Not the speed focus. Have we not been over this already?

I think here is the thing... he does not want to ride it alone himself. After my pep talk on TE I am not worried about doing that anymore:cool:;).

How I am gonna convince Mr. Fasty pants to ride on? If all goes as planned, we will do a training ride this w/e.

Maybe I can work on delivering my point some more then...:rolleyes::(

[Biciclista]

wow, he's stubborn, isn't he. You might put it in terms that imply that he might be AFRAID to ride by himself? That might motivate him to prove you wrong.
Bring him over here, I'll thwack him on the head.

[kenyonchris]

wow, he's stubborn, isn't he. You might put it in terms that imply that he might be AFRAID to ride by himself? That might motivate him to prove you wrong.
Bring him over here, I'll thwack him on the head.

I second that. That would drive me CRAZY. Too much togetherness. I feel claustrophobic just listening. YOU might have to whack him over the head, go on strike, or something. Reasoning does not seem to be working, does it?

[Jiffer]

I understand the both the pressure of feeling like you have to keep up with someone and the guilt from holding them back. I prefer to avoid that kind of pressure/guilt. I have ridden by myself because of it.

However, having said that, I have done some rides with my "very strong" husband, who has at times made the decision to ride my pace with me and pull me. This is fairly rare as he loves to push his limits and be one of the first one's across the finish line. But when he makes this decision, I have no guilt. In your case, it sounds like your friend isn't quite as easy going, so I'd just avoid the situation. As many have said, you're likely to find others going your pace that you can hang with.

For general riding purposes, I do encourage you to try to find a new riding partner(s) that does go your pace. Through a cycling club or wherever you can. I have a riding buddy who makes getting out there a a lot more fun and I ride a lot more often because of her. She is stronger than me on the hills, so she either waits for me at the top or I pass her on the way down (depending on the hill). Yet she also inspires me to ride better because I try to stay with her on the hills whenever possible, and sometimes I can. We ride the flats about the same.

So my advice is:

1) Don't ride with your "friend" if it will stress you out.
2) See if you can find people at the event that are riding your pace.
3) Do try to find a "different" riding partner or partners that are closer to your level. If you can do this before your event, then great. If not, maybe you'll find a partner before the next one and simply to train with.

Good luck on your century! My advice on that ... focus on the rest stops. Don't think of it as riding 100 miles. Think of it as riding 23 to the next rest stop (or however many miles it is). Prepare as best you can and HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! :D

[tulip]

Why not just tell him that you would rather ride at your own pace without the pressure that he brings to the ride? You don't have to ride with him if you don't want to.

[KathiCville]

My two cents': Both of you need to 'ride your own ride'! Your guy pal ought to honor the fact that your approach to a long ride is simply different from his. If your upcoming ride is an organized century, there will be plenty of riders of all abilities to hang with as people sort themselves out over the course of the day.

My BF is MUCH stronger than I am, so when we do long rides together he either 1) rides at my pace and enjoys it as a relaxing spin, or 2) rides at my pace for a few miles and then takes off after giving me a 'have fun!' kiss. I'll be darned if I'm going to move faster than I feel comfortable, LOL!, particularly on a long organized ride where pacing myself is the key to going the distance! Life's too short to be miserable trying to meet someone else's off-the-mark expectations! :D

[Tri Girl]

I'd just tell him flat out: "I'm riding at a (fill in the blank) mph pace. If you want to ride with me, that's the speed I'm going. If you go too fast, you'll be riding alone. I don't plan on improving to your pace, I don't plan on pushing myself further than I can do, and I won't compromise my body to keep up with you. Period. End of story. This ride is for me and I'm doing it on MY terms."

If he doesn't get the hint he needs to be smacked upside the head.:p
Don't ride with him if it's going to stress you out. I have done 2 centuries all on my own and a 4 day tour. There were people around me all the time. Some I rode with for a few miles, some I rode with for many miles. You'll find someone at your pace, but most importantly you'll actually enjoy the day and not have to pay for it for days with pain.

My DH is much faster than me. We start out together and he goes on ahead. He usually turns around and comes back to find me and we ride together for a couple miles and then he's off again. Repeat multiple times. It means more mileage for him at his pace, and we're both OK with that. Any good riding partner should respect your own pace. The only way we'll EVER ride together for long distances is if we're on a tandem; and I like my marriage too much to try that divorce maker. ;)

[TrekTheKaty]

I have to admit, I've been there. When DH used to ride off and leave me, I cried--more than once. I was afraid of getting lost, blowing a tire, or getting attacked by a stray dog (pit bull lived along our trail). Probably gave up biking back when we first started dating over 10 years ago because of it--took up running instead.

However, when we revisited cycling a couple years ago, I had a garmin from running. Now I don't feel lost--I know exactly where I'm at. We agree on a destination and he frequently stops at every other trailhead to let me catch up. On good days, he lets me lead out and then he sprints home (he's observed my speed improves when I lead). I now have a cell phone if I get a flat and an ipod to keep me company. I say hello to fellow cyclists and find my own place. Everyone is happy and he is proud of my progress.

We've recently begun playing cat & mouse--he hovers just ahead of me. I yell, "ON YOUR LEFT"--and he takes off like a bullet. I sprint to catch up--he let's me hang for awhile. I attempt to pass, he takes off. My speed is improving and he's entertained :D

[TrekTheKaty]

. The only way we'll EVER ride together for long distances is if we're on a tandem; and I like my marriage too much to try that divorce maker. ;)

:D:D I've been wanting to try one. Husband says, "NO WAY." I thought it was because he would have to do all the work.

When I was a kid, I used to canoe with my brother. He always insisted I sit in the front, because he knew how to steer. Every time, it took me 1/2 the day to realize I was paddling while he was sitting in the back eating a sandwich!

[Miranda]

You guys are so awesome:D.

Reading these responses gave me a grinning moment of stress relief. Glad I'm not alone here on this type of situation also.

I rode with the GF I mentioned in the thread today. Good aerobic chatting pace. Discussed the dilemma as well. Her DH is about my guy buddy's twin. She had some of the same TE tips.

The weather is a bit if-y for tomorrow's training ride. When ever the ride pans out to do it, I'll take my words / tips from here and try again.

If the words don't work... I'll move onto "a water bottle up-side the head" suggestion:eek:;):cool:.

:)Thx:)
Miranda

[Miranda]

Good luck on your century! My advice on that ... focus on the rest stops. Don't think of it as riding 100 miles. Think of it as riding 23 to the next rest stop (or however many miles it is). Prepare as best you can and HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! :D

I love TE products and this forum so much. Times when I've been at my wits end with no other cycle advice pals, TE has helped me pull through. With that, I would say all my advice here is the best:cool:.

BUT this has got to be one of the best pieces of advice that just clicked something in my head (it clicks slow, btw:o) from when I first started riding....

A beautiful flower garden at my favorite farm house...

The "big distance route" then was just under 20mi. The flowers were exactly at the half way point of the loop. When I thought I could go no further, I just kept thinking... I *have to* make it to see the flowers at least...

I would. Rest. Then somehow have enough in me after that to ride back home happy I "made it the flowers":).

"One rest stop at a time"... that is going to be one of my driving phrases in my head as I pedal out my 100 miles.

Thx:cool:.