parenting dilemma

[Iris616]

I have a 6 year old daughter who is "graduating" kindergarten this friday. The note sent home indicates the children should wear their "Sunday best". we went shopping tonight, since she doesn't own any "SB".

For some reference point,She is an incredible tomboy and only wears "boy clothes", which I am fine with. So we headed to the boys section of the store. She promptly picked out a brown pinstriped pants suit with a blue shirt and a tie. (I was expecting a pair of khakis and a dress shirt.) This is my dilemna- do I let her wear the boys suit?

What if other people comment negatively, and it crushes her? She was so happy when she tried it on, smiling from ear to ear. I'm really worried that she's reaching the age when people will start to be cruel about her appearence, and this seems like it could really hurt her in the end.

But, If I stear her away from it, toward something more gender neutral, am I doing her a disservice?

Have other parents had similar situations? Like a son who wanted to carry a purse or paint their nails? Or, has any one here been in my daughters situation? If so, what do you suggest?

I have a sense that this is one of those parenting moments that could really effect her future, for better or worse.

[Miranda]

I say... let her wear it!

OK, this is from the mother of a ToyBoy (11yo now). And from a former, and still am to a degree, ToyBoy mom.... plus one with a BGF whose DS wears a dress!

If and when peeps go to comment on her outfit, just smile and say loud & proud, "...DD picked this outfit out herself... she's so proud of it!...".

I mean, what are they gonna do? Beat up on a sweet little girl whose proud of her decisions? Beat up on a mom whose confident enough in the "big picture of life" to love her child regardless of society's norms and appearances? IF someone does... umm, their op is not worth hearing anyway imho.

Any teacher my kids have had, that has been worth anything, knows about the gender identification issues children go through in development. I think the point of the note is that they want the children dressed nicely. But to me, I don't know that I really like that as a mom either.

What if the family did not have $ to buy dressy clothes?

My inlaws are traditional in their beliefs and church. DD going to church with them has always been a freakin nightmare. I got to the point where I'd tell my DMIL to buy a dress, store it at her house, and put it on DD (& be the one to struggle with her) when she took her to church. Or sometimes they'd end up staying home from church over the fight and tears that went with the dress and tights. Like that was what God really wanted. Sorry... getting off my soap box there.

But, my point in that is the same about your DD boy suit.

On the teasing... we had a shrink give this advice once...

Just let the kid wear the whatever to school etc. If two different colored shoes are "in". Then fine. If another peer makes fun of the shoes being diff, then that will be the end of it. My op is that if the *worst* thing my kid does is wear clothing that is outta the society norm, die their hair purple, or whatever the like... I will have parenting life kicked in the azz. Versus kid being in jail, drug rehab, etc.

Maybe you should get DD a lapel corsage for the occasion? If I was going, I'd buy it for her as a present.

Good Luck!

[MartianDestiny]

Not a particularly easy scenario to be sure.

My prospective (as a 23 yr. old that could easily be called tomboy, but not a parent!)

Worst case scenario if she wears the suit she picked out: The other kids/the bully picks fun at her a bit (is it really that bad in kindergarden now adays?). Mommy steps in with some good parenting and all is likely well (other than her disliking the other kid).

Worst case scenario if you try to steer her away from something she picked out with you: Starting down the path of her believing you are trying to make her something she is not.

IMO, far worse she believes it's you that wants to change her than her peers.

I was the brunt of every joke and sly comment from elementary school through freshman year of high school (when they learned I was smart and would help with homework if they weren't arse holes to me). Yea, the middle school years were tough (as they are on all pre-teens), but I had parents who supported me for who I was and a few good, close friends (not necessarily my age). That was far better for me, IMO, than trying to be forced towards society's norms when I clearly didn't care.

That's just my experience. At 23 I will now buy and wear a skirt of my own accord on extreme rare occasion (3-4 times a year). All of my business cloths/suits are pants based. My stepmother tried to get me in a skirt suit once; I whipped out my chainring scars and asked what my soon-to-be colleagues would think of them. She quickly conceeded that pants were perfectly fine :p

(and yes, for the record, I turned out liking guys even though a) I still act more like a guy than the stereotypical girl and b) this fact shouldn't matter in the least (but that's a whole nother can of worms)).

I say Kudos to you for letting your kid be herself and supporting her!

A nice pants suit is certainly "sunday best" and is not inappropriate for a girl to wear, even if it happened to come out of the little boy's department.

[OnTerryOh]

Thank you for sharing your concern about your daughter in this difficult situation. You are right to perceive that she can be hurt by others' gender expectations. She is happy and proud about her boy's suit, but parents and classmates will probably see her as strange.

In this particular situation, you might try making it a game to go through your closets and drawers together and find matching mother/daughter clothes that you'll wear to the kindergarten graduation together.

You might dress up and look in the mirror together and find all the ways that the two of you are alike -- and different.

If the two of you show up at the graduation in matching blue shorts and yellow t-shirts, say, it will help reinforce the idea for your daughter that you are like her -- both of you being girls, and that her girlhood is something you love about her.

Yes, I know the note said to wear "Sunday best", but if you haven't got that, you haven't got it. Dressing in matching outfits could help your daughter bond with you as someone like her. That is more important.

If she asks why she can't wear the brown pinstriped pants suit with blue shirt and tie, tell her you found out it wouldn't be the best thing to wear to the graduation. Distract her from the subject in a pleasant way -- don't argue. Let her wear the suit around the house if she wants, but not to school.

You might be giving your daughter a happy, secure, loving home life, and there might be little you can do to change her wanting to dress like a boy. On the other hand, if your daughter seems unhappy I encourage you to talk to a counselor.

I hope all goes well at the graduation. Best wishes to both you and your little girl. :)

[Crankin]

I find it disturbing that a school would even call for "Sunday Best." Those words have no meaning to me; not everyone has Sunday as their day of worship.
Of course, if this is a church related school, that's a different story. But, if it's a public school, they should know better. It would never happen here.

[Tuckervill]

Don't lie, no matter what.

Buy the suit, and something else that's not so formal that she also loves (even if it's not from the girl's department), and then let her choose on the day of the event. Six-year-olds can't really think that far ahead, you know? Given two equally lovely options, she may choose the less "scandalous" one.

She goes to school, so she's well aware that there are differences between boys and girls and what they wear, even if she can't articulate it. If someone says the wrong thing, she may be embarrassed and the realization that her clothing was not accepted may come down hard. When things are IMPORTANT, as this clearly is to her, the impact of ridicule or the wrong thing said can take on the same gravity and make a longer lasting impression. I think you should do your best to protect her from that, and prepare her for the implications.

If she decides to wear the suit, I would definitely call the teacher and let him/her know in no uncertain terms that there will be no comments made. I think it would be fair to the teacher to get a warning. The teacher may or may not be surprised or shocked, but when we are surprised or shocked we say things which, at the very least, can be misinterpreted.

Ah, parenting...never easy.

Karen

[Veronica]

We do a 5th grade promotion ceremony at my school. As teachers we struggle to keep it low key. It's a promotion - not a graduation. We've had girls show up with dresses suitable for a prom.

When my kids asked me this year what to wear, my answer was to wear something nice - like what they would wear for picture day. A couple of girls pushed a little harder and asked if they had to wear dresses. I have a large Catholic population in my class - at least half, including the girls who asked. At this point I did say to them, "Like what you would wear to church regularly, not fancy like for your first communion." Sometimes kids do need a point of reference.

And we tell our kids - you don't have to go buy new clothes for this. A bunch of them do anyway.

I always thought Kate Hepburn looked magnificent in her "mannish" attire.

Veronica

[Tuckervill]

Veronica, I was thinking about the same person! Katherine Hepburn!

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I re-read the OP and I was reminded that my youngest son was very into a sarong when he was 6, 7, 8. I brought it back from the Caribbean for him. He wanted to know what it was, so we googled and I showed him pictures of men in Africa and other places wearing sarongs. Since he liked to be naked a lot at that age, and sometimes it just wasn't a good time, the sarong did the job. He would have friends over and be wearing nothing but the sarong. He also wore it over his swim trunks to the pool.

I did have to warn his older brothers (teenagers, then) not to say a word about it being a skirt. He still has the sarong in his drawer, but I doubt he ever gives it a second thought.

Karen

[sgtiger]

As a parent, I'd have no problems letting my daughter wear a suit if she so chose. I'd deal with any reactions that fellow classmates and their parents have after the fact. Who knows, they may not react in the way you fear. If their reaction is not positive, it's an opportunity to sit down and have a talk with her about not always taking others' opinions to heart and the importance of being herself.

My son, when he was little, really wanted a baby doll. Most of the people we knew didn't have a problem with it, but there were a few who commented that they wouldn't encourage that kind of thing with their boys. I even got a comment that we needed to toughen him up. And my MIL freaked when told what her grandson wanted for his birthday. She eventually calmed down and sent him a raggedy Andy doll. She didn't think that was too "girlish." He also got the baby doll he wanted and was happy as a lark. He eventually grew out of it, but will sometimes play with one if he's playing house with friends or his sister. To this day he loves babies and is very nurturing towards them. One of the possible career paths that I can envision for him right now is working in a neonatal unit.

[sfa]

I say let her wear it. Trying to convince her to wear something else now that she's picked it out and seems to love her choice will likely crush her more than anything her peers might say. She values your opinion much more than anyone else's

The adults won't say anything to her that is negative. They may whisper behind her back and make sure YOU hear it (you know the type of parent I'm talking about), but they won't say anything to her face that she would perceive as negative.

The kids in her class may say something. Most likely that will be "why are you wearing a boy's suit?" to which she should have a ready answer ("because I like it"). I'd think the vast majority are just going to be curious--kindergarten kids of course understand gender differences (and all kinds of other differences) but are also remarkably open minded and accepting. The only exception will be those kids whose minds have been poisoned by close minded parents. I suspect that if there are kids in your daughter's class like that, she's already told you about them and is already used to dealing with them, so she may want to prepare an answer for them too. By the same token, they already know her and know that she's not a frilly dressy girl, so in all likelihood it won't be an issue. If this were her first day of school I might be more hesitant about it.

And the most likely scenario is that the adults in the school will think she's the most adorable thing they've ever seen--it's refreshing to see a kid who is just herself and doesn't care what other people think of her when the rest of the school is dressing up like Hannah Montana.

Good luck!

Sarah

[indysteel]

I totally agree with sfa. Your opinion matters more to her than her classmates' and their parents' opinion. How you react to anyone's negative comments--if any--might provide you with an opportunity to show her how to shrug such things off

When I was about your daughter's age, I wore nothing other than a cowboy outfit. Everywhere. My mom never made an issue of it, and I eventually grew out of it. If anyone teased me, I don't remember it.

[Crankin]

When I was five I spent a lot of time marching around in an army uniform, playing soldier with any neighborhood boy I cold find. But, as far as I know, no one thought it was weird, even in 1958. My older son had an anatomically correct boy doll that he played with for years. We didn't make a big deal out of it and eventually, when he was 7 or so, he lost interest. He slept with his teddy bear until he went to college, at almost 19.
I agree that most kindergardeners are very curious and may ask questions, but, more likely the parents will be the ones that could say stuff. I was always amazed at the things some parents would say to me about *other* kids when they were at a parent teacher conference, supposedly about their child.

[Duck on Wheels]

I say let her wear the suit! Women do wear pant suits, ya know, and at age 6 the cut isn't going to differentiate between a girl's figure and a boy's. Do you happen to own a nice pant suit yourself that you could wear that day? Or some nice slacks and a blouse? I'm planning on wearing linen slacks and a blouse to my 60th birthday party. I haven't been very specific as to attire in the invitations and decided that my bell-bottom linen slacks and a top would be drapy enough not to make any dress wearers uncomfortable and at the same time would keep company with any pants wearers amongst the women. Also, I happen to like them and like how they look on me. A friend of mine, when preparing for her dissertation defense, was instructed to wear "a tuxedo or the equivalent" (unisex instructions based on decades of almost only men taking PhDs). She went with the tux, a tight-waisted one that fit her figure. Very stylish! See? Even grown-up women wear pants at dress-up occasions sometimes.

[kathybiker]

There are really two issues here.

One is the way your daughter will dress at the kindergarten graduation, and whether you might spare her from ridicule related to wearing a boy's suit and tie.

If you let her wear it, you'll likely be able to cope with any related problems. By itself, this is a minor issue.

The more important question is your daughter's relationship with you and identity as a girl. We don't know the specifics, and certainly they're part of your private life and not our business.

If I were in your position, I'd be wondering whether my girl is simply a tomboy or whether she actually wants to be a boy. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy.

But if my daughter really wanted to be a boy, I'd question whether I was giving her an admirable and loving role model. I'd look at my closeness or lack of closeness to my daughter, and find ways I might give her more support.

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

.

[shootingstar]

Do little boys still wear full suits these days to Sunday School??? I don't recall this at all for even church that was across the street from the house where I grew up as a teenager.

It's summer time (why would a jacket be necessary), so the boy's dress pants and a nice shirt with a fun patterned tie would be nice. The girl is very young..:) I'm certain there will be girls in frivolous, nearly party-like dresses too.

I have to disagree with kathyville...the concern about her gender identity is not necessary at this stage. Too early. It's us adults imposing our lens on the situation.

[andtckrtoo]

I wouldn't worry about her at this age, either. My daughter is 16 and is still more of a tom boy, but I took her out to lunch today and she wore a cute little mini skirt. I'd have had to drag her kicking and screaming to get her in a dress or skirt at 6. She used to tell me that she wanted to be a boy when she was smaller. Now, she's happy to be a girl and has boyfriends, etc (and I know she likes boys right now as I'm rather open and she knows I would not be disappointed in her if she preferred girls).

What all of that long winded nonsense is saying - let her wear her suit. If anyone asks, smile and say, "Oh, it's the latest fashion." And let it go at that. I'll bet she looks adorable. When she starts to notice boys as boys and not playmates, she just may want to wear a dress now and again. If not, that's okay too.

[Duck on Wheels]

I too disagree about the gender identity question. If girls wish they were boys, it's often for "good" reasons such as "the boys get to have all the fun". And then there are the truly trans-gendered. Those (few) I know claim they were trans-gendered from birth or even before, nothing to do with not feeling loved or not identifying with this or that parent. Sounds like your daughter is a happy, confident child who knows she's loved and who enjoys your company. That's a good, healthy basis whatever gender identity she discovers or develops as she grows up.

[crazycanuck]

K..I wanted to be a boy back in jr high as I hated home ec etc :mad: UGH. It wasn't fair, i wanted to do the IR class in gr 7 & 8 not just 1/2 of gr 9.

I'd let a kid wear what they wanted. They're kids..Parents are the ones who have the horrible misconceptions in thier heads & need to stick thier heads in the sand.

GAGH

[newfsmith]

I say let her wear the suit. You already made the decision when you let her go into the boys' department and choose it. To not let her wear it would undermine her confidence in your support. If there is flack, which I highly doubt, then you can let her know that you believe in her and think she looks very cute in the outfit she picked out.

Now for a slight hijack of the thread.


A friend of mine, when preparing for her dissertation defense, was instructed to wear "a tuxedo or the equivalent" (unisex instructions based on decades of almost only men taking PhDs). She went with the tux, a tight-waisted one that fit her figure... .

Where did your friend defend her thesis? When my husband went to his thesis defense (U. of Wis-Madison) he did wear a tie, but no coat. In fact, none of the profs wore jackets. Was that just because it was the late 60's, or a funky department (zoology), or a Land Grant school?

[Deborajen]

When my son was kindergarten-age (he's 21 now), he was very proud to try to pick out clothes for a special occasion. I think it was more because he just did something a "big boy" would do - he did more than just pick out what pants and shirt/shorts he'd wear for play or school - it was for something special.

Has your daughter tried on any dresses? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with pants - girls wear them, both little girls and us bigger (and much older!) girls. I just wonder if maybe she was doing what she thought was expected of her, because she usually wears boys clothes?

I wouldn't be too worried - it's kindergarten graduation. It's special, but it's not as big of a deal as high school graduation. I think my son had a kindergarten graduation - ? He was in ECSE at that age, so it was all a little different anyway. But I'm like you, Iris, I would have been expecting a girl like your daughter to choose khakis and a nice shirt. If anything concerned me, it would be more that she'd overdressed a bit, but I doubt that's the case.

When my son was that age, we always gave him a little extra guidance when it came to how to dress for special occasions. There's nothing wrong with that. They don't know what to expect or what's socially acceptable. Sometimes wearing certain types of clothes in certain situations is about showing respect, and that's an important lesson for a child, too.

But again, I think she'll be fine.

Deb

[kathybiker]

I have to disagree with kathyville...the concern about her gender identity is not necessary at this stage. Too early. It's us adults imposing our lens on the situation.

There is no kathyville here, but I assume you're referring to me.

I stand by the ideas in my post. I believe they would be helpful for both a mother and daughter in that situation.

[MartianDestiny]

Now for a slight hijack of the thread.

Where did your friend defend her thesis? When my husband went to his thesis defense (U. of Wis-Madison) he did wear a tie, but no coat. In fact, none of the profs wore jackets. Was that just because it was the late 60's, or a funky department (zoology), or a Land Grant school?

Our department (Geology, CU Boulder) definitely doesn't due tuxes either. Appropriate business attire yes, but not formal attire. Heck, some people give keynote addresses in jeans and a t-shirt at the conferences I go to, so a tux would be way way way overdressed.

[Biciclista]

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

.
Kathy biker, I wonder if you have had children. You can't CHANGE their desires.
Not to be boys or girls or wear the color green. You can change their behavior, to a degree, but their desires? please, don't make me laugh!
I raised two sons and one liked to dress like a dandy and the other didn't care. There was nothing I could do to change that, not all the cajoling in the world.
When I was a little girl, in the worst way I wanted high top boys's sneakers. I saw a picture in a book of a little girl wearing them. I didn't get a pair of my own until i was 30. And I probably DID want to be a boy somewhere back there when I was little and the boys were throwing rocks at me and the girls were playing dumb games. And no one CHANGED my desires, I grew out of them.
If the kid wants to wear a suit, she'll look cool and cute and dressy, and she might never want to again, or she will.
One of the best things about being a girl is that it is acceptable for girls to wear boy's clothes AND girl's clothes.

[kathybiker]

Kathy biker, I wonder if you have had children. You can't CHANGE their desires.
Not to be boys or girls or wear the color green. You can change their behavior, to a degree, but their desires? please, don't make me laugh!

Your sarcasm is not one of your admirable traits.

If my little girl seriously wanted to be a boy, yes, I as a parent would wonder whether I could change that desire. My focus would be on on getting me to be different.

I would ask myself whether her desire was growing out of a lack of support on my part. Perhaps if this was so, and I was more there for her, she would change her desire to be a gender which she is not.

As I said in my original post, I see nothing wrong with a girl being a tomboy.

[Presto]

Do you stand by your child and face the world together?

Or do push her behind your back (turn your back on her), and face the world for her?

You see that she is old enough to choose her own clothes for her own graduation, and that she is happy with her choice. Where do you stand?

[hipmama]

I go along with letting her wear it.
With my daughter, when I know she's headed for a situation where she may face some social backlash, we talk about it beforehand so that she's prepared with some answers. We do this because defending herself is something that my daughter likes to do, but not on the spot. So, if this were happening in my house, she'd pick out the outfit and after getting excited with her about the ceremony and the nice new outfit, I'd ask her if she ever gets comments from kids at school about how she doesn't wear the same kinds of clothes that a lot of the other girls seem to like. I'd go from there. If she said that she did get comments, I'd ask her how she responds, or if there's something she'd like to say but hasn't, and then help her find an easy way to say what she wants to say that doesn't use too many words or start an argument. She might be young enough now that it goes over a lot of heads, but maybe not. Either way, your non-judgmental support is probably going to be really important to her in both the respect you give her in her own choices and personality, and as a buffer to those who ridicule. Thanks for letting her choose!

[Iris616]

Thanks every one for the opinions. She is going to wear what she wants...the pants suit with a vest and tie. I will smile and be proud of her.

Funny, questioning her sexuality (or gender identity) didn't really enter into my mind. I don't think she sees it as a sexuality issue at all. If the time comes in her life that she is evaluating those things, we'll support her and love her for who she is.

I had a great conversation with the TA in the room, to get a feel for how things might go. She told me not to worry. My DD is actually quite well liked in her class and the school in general, and she thinks it has a lot to do with that she palys with both boys/girls equally. She said that through out the entire year of DD wearing only "boy clothes" none of the kids (or parents) have cared or commented, so she saw no reason to think it might be different at graduation.

I have mentioned to her occasionally, that if she ever chooses to try on something from the girls department, I would be okay with that. She says, "okay, but not today."

[Karma007]

I was lucky Sidney didn't wear the rain boots she had insited on wearing all spring, and the furry backpack she wore as her 'stole' (back when 101 Dalmations was so very popular).

And honestly, she wanted to genuinely BE a dog at one point. I would have felt lucky if she had wanted to be a boy! No worries, she is a fairly well adjusted 15 year old now, who loves boys and reptiles.

[Duck on Wheels]

I say let her wear the suit. You already made the decision when you let her go into the boys' department and choose it. To not let her wear it would undermine her confidence in your support. If there is flack, which I highly doubt, then you can let her know that you believe in her and think she looks very cute in the outfit she picked out.

Now for a slight hijack of the thread.



Where did your friend defend her thesis? When my husband went to his thesis defense (U. of Wis-Madison) he did wear a tie, but no coat. In fact, none of the profs wore jackets. Was that just because it was the late 60's, or a funky department (zoology), or a Land Grant school?

Netherlands. Defending a dissertation is a BIG DEAL here in Europe, a multi-day rite of passage.

[Duck on Wheels]

... loves boys and reptiles.

Which are sometimes one and the same ;)

[Duck on Wheels]

btw, I do agree with KathyBiker up to a point. If a child is so unhappy that they strongly wish to be someone else, then I would want to find the root of that unhappiness and help the child work through it if possible. But wishing to be the opposite gender, or a dog, or a horse, or a foundling child whose real parents are royalty ... that's all pretty normal in the single-digit years. It's the teens I worry about when they're unhappy with themselves. At that age, every problem seems insurmountable, so they need all the help they can get until they've gone through enough problems to have a more balanced perspective.

[teigyr]

Iris616, I totally think you're doing the right thing :)

I remember wanting to be a boy in THE worst way. It didn't mean I truly wanted to be a boy, I just wanted to do Little League and fun getting dirty boy stuff. I liked boys, popular girls made me nervous, and I didn't quite fit in with the cool kids. Even after elementary school, I lived for high tops and 501's. I just didn't have quite the style that the girly-girls had.

As others have done, I also went through the "wanting to be an animal" stage, I wore cowboy stuff, and then transitioned gracefully into the purple-haired punk stage in H.S. None of it was ever to do with my gender identity or my sexuality.

I'm married and still alternate between wearing my husband's clothes and girly clothes. I love makeup and salons but one of the cool things about being a grown-up is I can choose how I want to be for the day. When I was in elementary school, MY mother said I could only wear pants one day a week. I remember feeling really awkward the rest of the days....ugh.

I think it's great your daughter has the creativity that she has and that you are allowing her to express it. Sometimes clothing is just clothing.

[GLC1968]

When I was that age, I refused to wear dresses. I don't remember shopping in the boys department, but I do remember getting annoyed that all the clothing in my size (6x) was too 'girly' and my friend who wore a girls 14 got to wear the 'cool' clothing (likely lesiure suit type pants...it was the 70's).

Two years later, I would only wear dresses and wanted to be a princess after having seen the disney movie 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.

Two years after that, I was the only girl on a boys soccer team (there were no girls teams then) and I wanted to be a boy so that it would be easier to pee at half-time.

By the time I got to college, I realized there were advantages to being a girl who could play with the boys.

All in all, I think I turned out reasonably 'normal'. ;)


Anyway, I'm happy that you decided to let her wear the pants suit!

[Tuckervill]

I remember wanting to be a boy in THE worst way. It didn't mean I truly wanted to be a boy, I just wanted to do Little League and fun getting dirty boy stuff. I liked boys, popular girls made me nervous, and I didn't quite fit in with the cool kids. Even after elementary school, I lived for high tops and 501's. I just didn't have quite the style that the girly-girls had.

Wow, I could have written that, word for word.

Why wouldn't I want to be a boy? I had two older brothers whom I adored, and they got to do EVERYTHING! They got go EVERYWHERE! They even got to pee standing up!

It's a good thing I so identified with boys, because I ended up having 3 of my own. I understand them in a way I wouldn't have understood girls so much.

Karen

[ClockworkOrange]

She is going to wear what she wants...the pants suit with a vest and tie. I will smile and be proud of her.

What a fascinating thread.

I was a tomboy and even these days, am happier in jeans and a T-shirt, of course I enjoy getting glammed up now and again but for comfort, the tomboy look suits me fine.

For what it is worth, I feel you have made the right decison for your little girl, good luck on Friday for both of you. :)

Clock

[AnnieBikes]

...and I had FOUR brothers who got to do all kinds of cool stuff...I identify with wanting to be a boy at a young age....but not to change the subject..

My beef is with the kindergarten graduation... Yes, it is a right of passage like any graduation, but around here there are TOO many graduations. Kindergarten, 6th grade, 8th grade, 12th grade.

To me, wearing "Sunday Best" should not be part of it. Dressing up like picture day would be much more like it. The girls at my sons' 8th grade graduations looked like they were going to proms. I would like to see all these grade school graduations played down WAY more than they are. Make the day special but don't have them go out and buy new clothes for the event. Many children cannot even afford SB clothes and then they are singled out.

You daughter should be allowed to wear whatever makes her happy, suit or dress. If you support her, then she will be happy. What other children/parents say is irrelevant unless you make an issue over it. She sounds like a great little gal to me. More kids should be so independent at that age!! Congrats on raising a good one!! :)

[andtckrtoo]

And honestly, she wanted to genuinely BE a dog at one point. I would have felt lucky if she had wanted to be a boy! No worries, she is a fairly well adjusted 15 year old now, who loves boys and reptiles.

Hey - I think we had the same daughter! Mine wanted to be a dog, too. Although she's not as into reptiles - mine is into hyenas of all things. And when she was younger before I met DH and she got a brother and a sister, she wanted a brother, so she had an imaginary one named Michael. Michael moved out when she realized having a brother is not all it's cracked up to be. But they (she and the real one) are close now.

Iris - love your attitude. Smart move in checking with the TA. I think your sweet girl will grown up just fine (and much too quickly).

[Tuckervill]

What other children/parents say is irrelevant unless you make an issue over it.

It's irrelevant in theory, but if someone says something that really wounds her, it will take on much relevance to her sense of self.

Karen

[Iris616]

It's irrelevant in theory, but if someone says something that really wounds her, it will take on much relevance to her sense of self.

Karen

And that's what I've been worried about....in 20 words or less.
But, I know that someday/somewhere, someone will say something cruel to her. If it's not about her clothes, it'll be about something else. Because, that's life. So, we'll just be there for her when it does happen. Hopefully, it won't be tomorrow.

[crazycanuck]

Iris..I just want to say you must be one cool mom :D

[Tuckervill]

Well, ya, Iris...and the dilemma is when to step in to prevent the cruelty and when to let them take the risk. Sometimes it's obvious, and sometimes it's more subtle.

I walked around a while with a half inch long black hair growing out of my chin, until my son pointed it out. I was astounded that my husband had not said anything, even though he admitted he'd noticed it. I think it this is one of those situations that if you LOVE me, you will PROTECT me from this embarrassment! :eek: :D At least he should have asked if I knew about it--like spinach in my teeth, you know?

That's where everyone has to decide how to act and react, with someone you love.

Karen

[Loraura]

You could always have a chat with your daughter, and tell her that "Some people might find it odd that you chose this suit. Are you OK with that?"

If she is, let her wear it! If not, help her pick out something else.

At least this way if she is teased, she will be prepared, and it won't hit her by surprize.

[Duck on Wheels]

How'd it go? Was your DD the cutest kid in the class? Did she have fun?

[Iris616]

How'd it go? Was your DD the cutest kid in the class? Did she have fun?

It was a great day! Thanks for asking. There are a couple pictures of her posted on my blog (link below), for any one who wants to see how great she looked.

Funny ending-we went to lunch afterwards. She happened to choose a restaurant where all the waitstaff wear ties- so she was surrounded by women in ties:)

[lph]

aaaaww - she is adorable! And looks very cool and cutting-edge too! Glad it worked out well.

[Tri Girl]

She's a cutie, and looks very uptown chic in her outfit. I'm glad she was happy and it all worked out! :)

[Tuckervill]

She looks like a little doll! I think she's sporting the Katherine Hepburn look quite well.

Too hot for the vest or jacket?

Karen

[polly4711]

She is ADORABLE!!!! it reminds me of me for my pre-school graduation.... Something that my mom warned me was that I may be the only girl wearing pants.... that is all that she said. I told her that it didn't bother me, it was a wonderful day, except that my best friend stuck a jelly bean up her nose.... :p

Good luck with everthing! it seems like she is a lucky girl with such a loving mom!

JP

[andtckrtoo]

Oh what a cute little girl!!! I'm so happy all went well - I think she looked perfect.

[PamNY]

She is beautiful and her outfit is attractive and flattering.

Pam