on yesterday's ride, a phone # [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

redrhodie

06-03-2009, 06:36 AM

A guy I met at the lbs a couple of weeks ago rode up to me yesterday and we started talking. I stopped at the lbs, and he came with me, and as I was leaving, he gave me his # and said I should call him to go for a ride. I didn't know what to say. I have a bf, but that doesn't mean I can't ride with him. I think he was hitting on me, but maybe he really just wants someone to ride with. I should probably add, he's younger than me and on a team, so I think he must have plenty of riding buddies that are closer to his level. He also put my bike on the rack for me, and you know what that means. He's obviously in luv. :D :rolleyes:

In any case, I'm flattered, but I don't know what to do. I'm considering asking one of the guys at the lbs to tactfully mention to him that I'm not single, but they're a bunch of monsters who I'm sure will find this very funny. I don't want to embarrass him (or myself, if in actuality, he just wants to ride).

In this very small state, where everyone knows everyone, it's also par for the course that his sister happens to be my hair stylist. I could mention it to her, but that may be even more embarrassing.

I could also just not call him, but I think it's inevitable that we'll meet again, and then I'll have to explain why I haven't called him for a ride.

What would you do?

BleeckerSt_Girl

06-03-2009, 06:49 AM

The right thing to do is tell simply him you have a BF, and not get others involved, which would be embarrassing to both of you. The only reason to not tell/ask him yourself is because it's uncomfortable, but that's not a good enough reason to have others tell him.
If you are afraid he is actually just wanting to ride bikes and not hitting on you, then say to him straight out that you are not sure if he just wanted to ride or if he wanted to 'go out' with you. Explain to him your situation.

I guess it's ok to not call him and wait til you next see him and then if he tries again to get together- at that point you really should ask him about his 'intentions'.
There are way more tricky embarrassing things to ask a guy than this. ;) :)

Still, it's sweet that he asked- either way! Good luck!

oxysback

06-03-2009, 07:00 AM

Invite him on a ride with you and your bf. That should clear up any misunderstanding. :)

redrhodie

06-03-2009, 07:05 AM

Invite him on a ride with you and your bf. That should clear up any misunderstanding. :)

That's brilliant!

tulip

06-03-2009, 07:11 AM

Invite him on a ride with you and your bf. That should clear up any misunderstanding. :)

I dunno. While it gets the point across, I agree with Lisa that just asking him of his intentions and telling him you have a boyfriend is a better way to go. Although I have not always practiced the direct approach, I'm learning that it's really the best way to do things.

Zen

06-03-2009, 07:25 AM

How about just don't call him.

Cataboo

06-03-2009, 07:32 AM

How about getting your best friend to check with his best friend to see if he just likes you or if he likes you likes you?

Blueberry

06-03-2009, 07:41 AM

I have to be a point of disagreement here.

I'd assume he just wants to ride, unless there's a serious indication to the contrary. Go for a ride, mention the boyfriend (my boyfriend and I are going out to diner tonight, etc). That way, he knows. You could even mention it when calling to set up a ride (I can't this night, BF and I have plans). And you haven't assumed he was interested in something he might or might not be interested in.

Maybe he doesn't want to hammer with the team all the time? Maybe your riding matches with his training style? I just wouldn't see it as a problem.

CA

redrhodie

06-03-2009, 08:07 AM

I would not be disappointed if he doesn't like me like me. ;)

As for not calling him, that's what I'd normally do, but I'm sure I'll see him again. He lives across the street from my lbs, and knows my commute route.

I think I just thought of the perfect solution. I'm going to make a hair appointment for bf with his sister. Then, I can say your sister gave my bf a great haircut! next time I see him. That'll work, and no one feels weird.

alpinerabbit

06-03-2009, 08:25 AM

I would do what BleekerSt Girl recommended. Just talk straight.

GLC1968

06-03-2009, 08:33 AM

If you like his riding style and YOU'd like another riding buddy, then I'd do what CA suggested. Go riding with him and during the ride bring up your boyfriend.

If you have no interest in riding with him, then I'd just say "thanks for the invite, but I have a bf". If he says he just wanted to ride, then you can ask him to ride with both of you next time or you can tell him you don't think it's inappropriate (whether or do or not, it's a good excuse to avoid riding with him alone).

maillotpois

06-03-2009, 09:37 AM

How about getting your best friend to check with his best friend to see if he just likes you or if he likes you likes you?

SNORT! Good one!

lph

06-03-2009, 09:48 AM

ooh, how flattering! :)

I think you thought of the perfect, diplomatic - and dare I generalize - very female solution :D. I think it could get a little uncomfortable if you call him for a ride and he thinks of it as a date, and only then does he find out you're not single.

Honest, I've met guys who get all kerfluffed over women who don't "understand" when a date is a date and not a friend thing. Not just disappointed, but irritated. Don't ask me why, to my mind someone wanting to be my friend is a great compliment too.

Jiffer

06-03-2009, 10:27 AM

I wouldn't make plans to ride solo with any guy if I had a serious boyfriend (in my case, I have a serious husband!). So regardless of whether he's hitting on you or not, I'd tell him you'd love to do a group ride with him, but not alone. If he laughs and says it's "just a ride" and he's not interested beyond that, I'd still stick to my guns and say I don't ride alone with guys unless they're "my guy". Same reason I wouldn't do just about anything alone with another guy ... go to lunch, etc.

I had a guy team up with me once when I was riding by myself. He came up behind me, started chatting with me and rode with me for several miles. Said it was safer to ride together. He was a cop, so he seemed extra protective even, making sure I was aware of cars turning right ahead of us, etc. It was a little awkward, but it wasn't a planned thing and he never hit on me. If he had asked to plan another ride together, I would have turned him down, but since it just sort of happened while we were riding, I let it go.

Anyways, those are my two cents.

shootingstar

06-03-2009, 11:25 AM

I wouldn't make plans to ride solo with any guy if I had a serious boyfriend (in my case, I have a serious husband!). So regardless of whether he's hitting on you or not, I'd tell him you'd love to do a group ride with him, but not alone. If he laughs and says it's "just a ride" and he's not interested beyond that, I'd still stick to my guns and say I don't ride alone with guys unless they're "my guy". Same reason I wouldn't do just about anything alone with another guy ... go to lunch, etc.

I guess the big question, redhodie is: would this guy still ask you if you were with your BF in the LBS?

Jiffer's, tulip's or Zen's response should help.
If you and BF already knew the guy and by coincidence he and your cycling routes coincided along the way, then riding together for a piece..and bye, bye.

All the men that I know who cycle and who I've cycled with, are guys that my partner knows already and with whom he does alot of cycling advocacy work or guys I knew from my jobs who cycle ..outside of me but talk alot about cycling.

It's flattering to have attention of other cycling men, outside of dearie, but after in short time, they're just trees and shrubs (to me). :p

ttaylor508

06-03-2009, 12:38 PM

redrhodie

06-03-2009, 01:04 PM

I'd say since it has already been several weeks and you have not made contact he may have forgotten about the invite. If you see him again and he brings it up, you could just say "BF and I are planning a ride on Saturday, want to join us" then he knows you aren't single and he may or may not show up. If he shows up, then you know he just wanted a riding buddy, if not, maybe he wanted more.

Huh? I got the # last night. Actually, inviting him along with me and bf would be great if bf rode with me more than once a year! Ah, the glitch. :rolleyes: I'd never be able to convince bf to come along.

I'd like to ride with him sometime, once I'm sure he's not papering his bedroom with images of me. I hope you know I'm joking. ;) :p Luckily, he's not creepy. He just seems like a sweet kid. He's a bit of a goof, and so am I. We'd have fun riding together.

Bf doesn't have a problem with me riding with a guy alone, btw. He's strangely secure. I wonder why that is? I think he thinks he's the only one crazy enough to like me like me :D.

fatbottomedgurl

06-03-2009, 01:15 PM

I think he thinks he's the only one crazy enough to like me like me :D.

EVER so much!

maillotpois

06-03-2009, 01:19 PM

I wouldn't make plans to ride solo with any guy if I had a serious boyfriend (in my case, I have a serious husband!). So regardless of whether he's hitting on you or not, I'd tell him you'd love to do a group ride with him, but not alone. If he laughs and says it's "just a ride" and he's not interested beyond that, I'd still stick to my guns and say I don't ride alone with guys unless they're "my guy". Same reason I wouldn't do just about anything alone with another guy ... go to lunch, etc.

I would ride and have ridden many times with men who are not my husband. Some of them he knows (pepole in our riding circle), some he doesn't (Glenn and Twain, etc.). Assuming it's just a bike ride (and I know RR doesn't know what his assumptions are which is why she started this thread), it's just a bike ride. I also will go and have gone to lunch, etc., with other men, as well. Lots of this is business related, but some is social (my old friend from middle school who works across the street from me now comes to mind - I had a HUGE crush on him in middle school, but we're both happily married now and he's just fun to hang out and have lunch with sometimes).

And the shoe fits on the other foot - my husband rides with other women without me, and plays tennis with women all the time. He also has business lunches, dinners, etc., with other women.

I guess I just don't see why it's an issue.

ttaylor508

06-03-2009, 01:23 PM

Huh? I got the # last night. Actually, inviting him along with me and bf would be great if bf rode with me more than once a year! Ah, the glitch. :rolleyes: I'd never be able to convince bf to come along.
.

Woops, sorry misread the first paragraph :)

I still would see if he was up to riding with both of you even if BF won't actually go. You would at least be able to see if he seemed surprised that you have BF. He might just want a riding buddy.

pinkbikes

06-03-2009, 01:37 PM

I would ride and have ridden many times with men who are not my husband. Some of them he knows (pepole in our riding circle), some he doesn't (Glenn and Twain, etc.). Assuming it's just a bike ride (and I know RR doesn't know what his assumptions are which is why she started this thread), it's just a bike ride. I also will go and have gone to lunch, etc., with other men, as well. Lots of this is business related, but some is social (my old friend from middle school who works across the street from me now comes to mind - I had a HUGE crush on him in middle school, but we're both happily married now and he's just fun to hang out and have lunch with sometimes).

And the shoe fits on the other foot - my husband rides with other women without me, and plays tennis with women all the time. He also has business lunches, dinners, etc., with other women.

I guess I just don't see why it's an issue.

Yep - I think I'm here too. When DH and I started going out our first date was a bike ride! We spent a lot of years riding together with various other friends (all male) and much of the time I struggled with his riding style and my ability (or lack thereof) to hang onto his wheel.

Over the years we've been on bikes, off bikes, on bikes again and since we have had the DD it is hard to manage to get out to ride at the same time - we really hardly ever ride together (as a regular thing) since one of us is at home with the DD.

I also work with a bunch of cycle mad boys. So I have a large collection of boys I ride with. He has a collection of boys he rides with. Sometimes he send me out with his collection of boys if he is not feeling up to it.

He also collects girls. Always has, always will. He has a collection of girls at work and a collection of girls at the gym (I don't do the gym). We both went shopping to help the girls from the gym buy bikes. Sometimes they ride with him. And since they are so flipping slow, we take them riding together and DD can even keep up!

I ride with one or more of my bunch of boys all the time. They are all younger than me. And they are all goofballs. It's fun.

RR, maybe he just wants to enjoy some cruisy riding with a goofball? And that's all good! The question is probably whether you enjoy riding with him and how secure your BF is about that?

withm

06-03-2009, 01:48 PM

Some times a bike ride is just a bike ride. No ulterior motive. It's not like he's a total stranger. If you are compatible riders, I'd give it a shot.

Cataboo

06-03-2009, 01:54 PM

My bf would probably be happy if I rode with another guy & someone else had to deal with me being slow up hills, being grumpy when the bike doesn't shift right, or bonking and needing cliff shot blocks.

That being said, I ride without him, and he typically doesn't bother to ride without me, although complaining about the inconveniences of waiting for me...

Although, lately I'm keeping up with him enough that he's the one ending up with leg cramps or exhausted.

Skierchickie

06-03-2009, 06:26 PM

Hee hee! This all reminds me of the way I acquired my husband! I had a BF at the time, and he knew, and I KNEW he knew, but when it came right down to it, it was "Oh, you have a boyfriend? I didn't know you had a boyfriend", all pitiful-like. What a liar! Always wanting to go for rides, pizza after (and he'd always say "It's a date!", when I'd agree to go, with me insisting it be as friends. I'd always say it wasn't a date.). I spent months insisting we were friends only. Anyway, he was waiting in the wings when I came to the realization that long-distance BF wasn't "the one". 20 years later, he's still my favorite riding buddy. :)

Having been there, I know how hard it was to just get to the point and SAY I had a boyfriend. It's awkward. However, I do think the probability is pretty high that he likes you likes you. Racer guys on teams don't often hand out their numbers to girls who aren't uber fast (no offense intended - maybe you are uber fast. I don't know what kind of riding you do, but you said something about not being at his level). To me, that's a definite sign. If you're a racer, then not so much.

My DH was thinking "date" on that first ride, where he proceeded to drag me over monster hills, feed me pizza, and then drag me up one more monster hill. He thought I'd like that. :rolleyes: I nearly puked on that last hill!

I see nothing wrong with riding with another guy, as long as everyone knows the status of things. Then again, I married the other guy (however, I never belonged with Guy #1). I think it's all about how secure your relationship is, and if you trust yourself.

maryellen

06-03-2009, 06:58 PM

Skierchickie, what a sweet story. Persistence pays off.

gnat23

06-03-2009, 07:28 PM

Mr. Bloom

06-03-2009, 08:18 PM

I think I just thought of the perfect solution. I'm going to make a hair appointment for bf with his sister. Then, I can say your sister gave my bf a great haircut! next time I see him. That'll work, and no one feels weird.

red: This is a very good solution; don't call him, prepare for getting the message across indirectly and softly. It's rare, but Zen and I agree;)

Frankly, I'm surprised at the amount of bad advice on here:

- If you're in a committed relationship and you think this guy if pursuing you, no contact is appropriate.
- If you think he's interested in you, then don't assume he's really interested in just riding and that a subsequent, more uncomfortable, situation won't arise
- If you think he's pursuing you and you want to ride with him...and you're in a committed relationship - then it's time to reevaluate your commitment to the existing relationship 'cause you're throwing the future of your relationship into the fickle hands of fate instead of on the foundation of your own firm resolve.

Just MHO;)

channlluv

06-03-2009, 08:35 PM

I agree with gnat and Mr. Silver. Be honest with this guy. He put your bike up on the rack for you. That's a chivalrous gesture. Guys don't do stuff like that for girls they're not trying to get to know better.

I think if he was looking at you as just another riding buddy, he would have let you put your own bike up on the rack.

It's flattering, but I think the next time you see him, you need to be honest and let him know you're in a relationship, unless you're not sure about the relationship.

Roxy

Triskeliongirl

06-03-2009, 10:31 PM

lph

06-04-2009, 01:46 AM

Its obvious he is hitting on you if he rides on a team with men faster than you. So, make any decisions you make based on that obvious fact. Is this not really obvious to you, or did you just post this to brag?

Wha..? I have male friends I ride with occasionally that are faster than me and train with faster guys. But I ride fast enough, and they enjoy my company. Occasionally I ride with people slower than I am, both male and female, because I enjoy riding my bike more than I enjoy hammering as fast as I can all the time.

He may be hitting on her, but I don't see why this is obvious. Sometimes people just like each other.

Mr. Bloom

06-04-2009, 02:18 AM

Wha..? I have male friends I ride with occasionally that are faster than me and train with faster guys. But I ride fast enough, and they enjoy my company. Occasionally I ride with people slower than I am, both male and female, because I enjoy riding my bike more than I enjoy hammering as fast as I can all the time.

He may be hitting on her, but I don't see why this is obvious. Sometimes people just like each other.

So does Silver...but the "riding relationship" didn't evolve out of a dating conquest...and my guess is that your "riding relationships" didn't either.;) Silver is fast enough that they refer to her as one of the guys...and I know the married guys that she rides with:)

redrhodie

06-04-2009, 04:12 AM

The best part (and yes, I guess I am bragging about this- I've come a long way, I'm proud of myself) is that a racer type thinks I'm good enough to ride with. I'm not super fast, but I'm no slug, either. I guess I'm at least looking like I belong on a bike. :)

I'd possibly like to ride with him, but not at the risk to his feelings getting hurt, or my relationship. I love my bf, and we've been together since the dawn of time. The last # I got was carved in stone. :D

Lots of different opinions as to his intentions. Some see it as an obvious pass, others see it as just a ride, no big deal. It's impossible to know someone's true motives until they tell you.

TxDoc

06-04-2009, 03:50 PM

He may be hitting on her, but I don't see why this is obvious. Sometimes people just like each other.

Thanks lph - that is exactly what I was thinking.
We should beware of making assumptions about someone else's intentions - as we all do guess wrong sometimes.
The only way to definitely know what someone else thinks, wants, or expects from us - is to be honest and upfront and just ask them.
:)

Cataboo

06-04-2009, 03:58 PM

No, if a boy talks to a girl, he must like her like her! 'cause apparently there's no such thing as a boy only liking a girl. Especially if he pulls her pigtails or punches her or trips her. redrhoodie's got pigtails to pull and he hasn't pulled them yet. I think.

Unless he's gay. And I kinda think a stereotypical gay male best friend biking partner who could help you pick out lycra in the bike shop would be awesome. Except I don't think the stereotypical gay male would like bike grease on his leg or lift a bike onto a bike rack.

Racer guys only like to ride super fast, never need recovery days, and never just wanna go for a leisurely bike ride talking with someone fun.

Sorry, this thread just makes me laugh.

GLC1968

06-04-2009, 04:22 PM

He may be hitting on her, but I don't see why this is obvious. Sometimes people just like each other.

Yes! And for pete's sake...do some of you really believe that a guy only helps to put a bike on a rack if he wants to date you? What kind of men are you all hanging out with? I've had plenty of guys do this for me and it sure isn't for thinking that I'm not capable. Some men like to be nice. No alterior motives.

And Mr. Silver - while I do agree that honesty is best, I think you are making a lot of assumptions there. We are making suggestions of things for Red to do precisely because we don't know this guys intentions. Not because we do. I don't think that there is a woman on this forum who would suggest that she go riding with a guy whom she knows is interested in her just *because*.

Pedal Wench

06-04-2009, 04:49 PM

Yes! And for pete's sake...do some of you really believe that a guy only helps to put a bike on a rack if he wants to date you? What kind of men are you all hanging out with? I've had plenty of guys do this for me and it sure isn't for thinking that I'm not capable. Some men like to be nice. No alterior motives.

Yikes - and what about the times I help another woman put a bike on a rack:eek: What message am I sending?:cool:

ttaylor508

06-04-2009, 04:54 PM

Mr. Bloom

06-04-2009, 05:17 PM

And Mr. Silver - while I do agree that honesty is best, I think you are making a lot of assumptions there.

You're right...but that's why HER conclusion is absolutely perfect because it doesn't require direct confrontation of uncertain assumptions.:)

teigyr

06-04-2009, 05:22 PM

Just please don't PUNISH the poor guy for asking. Unless you had a ring or a picture of your beau on your T-shirt (or even HAD the beau with you on your arm), it probably took that guy a hefty dose of self-talk to even wring up the nerve to ask in a way that was non-creepy non-confrontational and gave you an easy out.

Give him the same respect; if you feel the need to turn down the ride, do so gracefully and honestly and take the offer as a compliment.

-- gnat! (Of all the things we put men through, I don't see any reason to make it worse on them for lack of mind-reading)

Excellent response :D I am married to a guy who (before my time) had to go through this stuff. He IS a nice guy but it's so hard when people are guessing ulterior motives and "omg does he like me" and if so, does that mean you can't ride with him?

When I first moved to WA, I used to do a lot of riding by myself. One day, I met up with a guy on a bike trail and as we rode, we talked about how maybe it would be great to get together for rides. We did and it was totally casual. One day I was upset and he asked what was wrong. I had been separated from my spouse (different spouse) and said that we were going through divorce proceedings and it was getting to me. The cycling partner hesitated, then said "I didn't know you were married", hesitated again, then asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I said no thanks. The point of it all was, HE wasn't hitting on me and he had no idea of my marital status. Once it was determined and he might've been hitting on me, I said no thanks and riding resumed as normal. Honesty is a great thing and as long as you are honest with this cycling guy, your BF, and yourself, you have nothing to worry about. You could just tell him (as others have suggested) that you have a bf and it's not like you're flaunting it but you wanted to make sure everything was out in the open.

DH puts peoples bikes on their cars for them and carries their stuff and does all sorts of things. Some guys are just NICE.

gnat23

06-04-2009, 05:40 PM

Hah! I just had this image in my head of a guy helping me put my bike up on the rack, while I'm imagining the entirety of the relationship in my head in those few seconds, from cute dating phase to marriage to the fights... by the time the bike is up there, I'd be up to the divorce and all mad at him instead of saying thanks... :D :D :D

-- gnat! (Yells at him: "You'll never get the kids!")

Ana

06-04-2009, 05:56 PM

I wish I got numbers ;) I'd consider it a compliment :)

Let us know what happens!

malkin

06-04-2009, 07:39 PM

Invite him on a group ride?

TxDoc

06-04-2009, 08:32 PM

Racer guys only like to ride super fast, never need recovery days, and never just wanna go for a leisurely bike ride talking with someone fun.

Well, I grew up with racers, and a few turned pro over the years - never noticed anything like this. Maybe times have changed - or maybe we just tend to use too many stereotypes and make too many assumptions :)
There are nice people out there.
I help people get bikes out of the car or put them up, regardless of whether they are male or female, single or married. Frankly, I hope that none of them thinks of me that I am offering help only because I'm 'hitting on them'. I see people that look like they could use help - and I offer to help them. I know of many others that do the same - with no hidden intentions.
We are so superficial sometimes. We see a young guy hold the elevator for an elder and we think oh what a nice gesture. If we saw the same young guy hold the elevator for a young pretty woman, we'd probably think he must like her. It's just stereotyping. It's just superficial.
Some people like to help. It's called being a good citizen, and has nothing to do with hitting on people.
Likewise for the rides. Some people like to be social and friendly. I invite people to ride with me all the time, men and women. I do not know whether they are single or married, and frankly I do not care. I ask them to ride because I'd like to go on rides together - it's that simple. A ride is a ride, period.
Life is complicated enough on its own - how about we keep it simple? :)