Getting married- ? do I change my name

[anakiwa]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

[Biciclista]

Do you LIKE his name? Do you like your name? does his start with a higher letter in the alphabet? (A's win, Z's lose)
It's up to you.
If your name is Fern Green and you want to be Fern Montgomery; go for it.

You know? But if you're the last Abergrotty in a long line of Abergrottys and his name is Jones, keep your name.

And if he's ambivalent, that means it's up to you.

[Andrea]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

[singletrackmind]

Doesn't feel any different to me. I thought I went to a much easier name but have to spell it just as often.

The hubby said he didn't care but he was so pleased I decided to go with his it made me glad I did.

[Iris616]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

[kelownagirl]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

I agree with Mimi's thoughts. That being said, I changed my name both times. Second time was really tough b/c I have the same first name as his ex and she kept her married name. BUT I decided I deserved the name and I feel like it's truly mine now.

[Biciclista]

Iris, i know exactly what you mean. After a few years, I just started using my maiden name as my middle name so I didn't lose it completely.
And I thought that by going from an ethnic name to an English name, I would no longer have to spell it; but I was really really wrong. Since our name is two letters away from a really common name, when I say our name and spell it, no one can comprehend what I am saying and they still spell it wrong. It was easier having an Italian name where no one had preconceived notions about it.

[Zen]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

[sfa]

I kept my name when I got married. Partly it was practical--I had just finished my master's degree with my maiden name and was working on a PhD and didn't want it in a different name. Partly it was aesthetics--I just didn't much like his last name and it sounded almost comical when paired with "Doctor" as a title. But mostly it was because I identified so strongly with my family name and all of my ancestors who had this name.

DH said he didn't care one way or the other, but I think it would have made him a bit happy if I had changed my name. As it is now, I don't care--if someone calls me Mrs. Hislastname it doesn't matter to me, although that rarely happens. It hasn't created any confusion with kids (people warned me it would)--I have my last name and they have their father's last name and no one has ever questioned it.

It was important to me when I was 25 and getting married and working on degrees and trying to forge my own adult identity. Now, as you say, it just doesn't seem to matter that much--my identity isn't tied to a name but to who I am and what I do.

If it makes you happy to change it, then change it. If it makes you feel funny, then you can take the approach of changing your middle name to your maiden name and taking his name as your last name. It wouldn't be hyphenated, but it would still be a part of you.

I've been thinking recently that we need to go back to the medieval system of identifying ourselves by our first names and then what we do or who we're related to. But instead of being Sarah Marysdaughter or Sarah O'Richard or Sarah Writer (or whatever) I'd be "Sarah ClaireandConnorsMomYouKnowFromScouts."

[Biciclista]

Sfa, ha you're getting me off the topic, but we're starting to do that with our screen names. Mimitabby or Biciclista says a lot more about me than my real last name does.

[greycoral]

I changed mine so our kid(s) would have the same last name as us. He actually wanted me to keep my maiden name, but then later said he was happy I took his.

[sgtiger]

I kept mine because Dh insisted on it when we got married. Part of his reasoning was because it's not something that is done in my birth culture. I didn't really care too much one way or another. We did run into some hassles due to having different last names in the first few years of marriage, so I did consider changing it then. Dh told me if I did that, he would just take mine. (Sometimes he's willful and stubborn in the strangest ways.:rolleyes:) Nowadays there isn't any issues with having different last names, so I'm glad I kept it. I don't mind if people refer to me as Mrs. Hislastname, though; and he's never corrected anyone who called him Mr. Mylastname either. And when we had our first child together, he wanted the kid to have both of our surnames. I decided to drop my last name when I filled out the birth certificate though. Our children's names are already very long with two middle names that the addition of my last name would have been over the top. As it is, their whole names do not fit on their social security cards.

IMHO it's a personal choice that you need to make with your intended.

P.S. I have friends who have taken each other's surnames without hyphenating. I don't know why but I like that better than using a hyphen.

[Triskeliongirl]

I didn't change my name, in part cuz I had already published a lot with my maiden name, and because the feminist in me didn't see the point and actually objected.

We gave our kids hyphenated last names. The only problem its caused, which is minor, is that its a PITA to make airline reservations since we have 3 different last names for one family traveling together, but now that is done online so its easier. Also, some computer systems still have trouble to handle hyphenated last names. And I have no CLUE what my kids will do when they marry but that is their problem.

My husband is portuguese, and I like their custom which is what Mimi described, the women's maiden last name becames her middle name when she marries, and then she takes her husband's last name. So, its not hyphenated but she can use it as much as she likes or needs to. In fact, she accumulates these middle names as the generations marry, kind of like a lineage.

[Zen]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either.
I have a 'name at birth"

I never did too well in the role of maiden :rolleyes:

Maybe you could BOTH change your names. How about Jolie-Pitt? Or Obama?

[Tuckervill]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

Iris, I agree with you. I've been married almost 20 years. I took my first husband's name, partially, and I was so happy to get my name back completely when we divorced. But when I remarried, it just seemed better not to have 3 last names in the house (I had kids from my first marriage), and I was in a different religious mindset at the time, so I took his name. I wish I had thought outside the box a little on that. We have a son together, and it is nice to be one of three with the same name--"The Tuckers" as some people in some circles refer to us. And my son does have my birth name as his first name (but we call him by his middle).

Sometimes, though, it just irks me that I can't be who I was from birth. It is a nice, well-thought out name altogether. There's only one grandchild with that last name now, and he just had a son, so I guess it is carrying on. I've often thought of taking back my name, but my husband and son, I think, would always consider it odd at the very least, and insulting at the worst. Which makes me think of how my older sons might feel that I didn't share their last name in the traditional way, and changed it so readily when I remarried. They probably don't think a thing of it, now, but maybe then they did. (My son's wife took his last name without a blink.)

It's complicated.

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I do have a friend who created a new name with her husband by combining their two last names. I mean, really, why do the women have to be the ones who abandon their family name?

I wish I had thought of that.

Karen

[Biciclista]

my grandparents had 6 grandchildren, all girls. and my grandfather was the only son. Their name is VERY rare. so when one of my cousins (one of the 6 of us grandkids) with this last name had a baby; she named her after my grandmother and grandfather by giving the baby the baby's great grandmother's first name and her married last name. The husband loves the name and wouldn't have it any other way. And it was the most wonderful gift to my grandmother.

[Tri Girl]

I changed my name. Never thought anything of it. Plus- I was changing my name from a really confusing German/American hybrid name to a generic name (Brown). I never have to spell it, which is so nice. When my dad died, I kind of wished I'd kept it, but my brother has a son, so the name will go on. :)

[bluebug32]

I'm getting married next year and have been debating this too. For starters, his names is a little nicer sounding than mine. But I'm a writer, so I would definitely keep my maiden-birth name for work or freelance. In the end, I think my name will become my middle name and I'll take his last name. Or I'll just put this whole thing off for as long as I can...

[BikeDutchess]

I kept my birth name. Both my first and last names are unusual and I didn't want to give up part of it (even though my first name and my DH's last name would have sounded pretty good together too). Both last names are unusual enough that I would have had to spell either one for people frequently, so that wasn't a deciding factor. Initially we also worked for the same company and I felt it was important to keep my own professional identity.

It took my MIL the longest to accept it. When I got my green card and proudly showed it off, she asked when they would put "my real name" on it! Luckily my DH's sister also kept her birth name when she married and I wasn't the odd one out anymore.

Once we had kids we did have to make a choice - we didn't want to saddle them with hyphens. We chose his last name for both kids. Our oldest has my last name as a middle name. We haven't really had issues with the kids - nowadays there are so many blended families that introducing myself as "Mrs Mylastname, XX Hislastname's mom" doesn't cause anyone to skip a beat. I do carry mini birth certificates (showing both of our names) in my wallet just in case.

[smurfalicious]

I'm getting married next year and have been debating this too. For starters, his names is a little nicer sounding than mine. But I'm a writer, so I would definitely keep my maiden-birth name for work or freelance. In the end, I think my name will become my middle name and I'll take his last name. Or I'll just put this whole thing off for as long as I can...

Ya know I thought about this too because of my photography, but I was so actively actively involved in the sport I was shooting I didn't figure it mattered much. I'd say unless you have stuff published already, and then to what degree, it can't hurt.

I was going to take my ex's last name, and while I was at it hyphenate in my mom's maiden name. I haven't spoken to my dad in 8 years and I HATE having his last name so it was a welcome idea.

[fidlfreek]

Thanks Tuckervill for pointing out a 3rd option? Like Antonio Villaraigosa, the mayor of Los Angeles. He and his wife created a NEW last name out of their own former last names.

This seems like a beautiful alternative. :) ALSO There are also men who change their names. For instance http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070116/news_lz1n16read.html

[badger]

I knew someone who hated his last name so much he insisted when he married, his wife keep her name and when they had kids, they used her last name.

I don't know if I would want to change my name if I were to marry my partner. My first and last name is the same as a relatively famous author, and in that regard it would be nice to change it. But it IS a cool name, and I would be sad to let it go. It's also one of the few things I relate to my father after identifying so much with my mother's side of the family and culture so it would be nice to keep it to honour my father's side of the family.

[Grog]

I always took for granted that my name would be mine forever.

I am from a place (Quebec) where women keep their last name by law (since 1980 or so). Socially you can call yourself whatever you like, but as far as contracting, government relations (driver's licence, medicare...), banking, etc. one has to use the name printed on one's birth certificate. If you really want to change your name, you can go through name-changing procedures like everybody else (example: if you name is Maria and you would like to be called Barbara instead), posting ads in the newspapers, paying some legal fees, going to a notary, something like that, and then you get a new birth certificate. Few people do that, and I know no woman of my generation and few women of my mother's generation who call themselves by their husband's name even socially. Kids are called by one or both parents' name, and nobody is surprised if there are two or more family names running in the same family.

Really, if Joe Smith has three kids by the name of Smith in his car, I hope the border guard will not just wave him through without checking the paperwork because they have the same last name and therefore Joe must be the father.

When I married to an Anglo Canadian, I think his family (and probably him, too) would have been happy if I had changed my name but they knew that was not going to happen. Furthermore, I love my last name, and I am a published professional in my field, it would not be smart to change my name. I don't know yet what we'll do when we have kids. Our names sound cute together, so I guess we might go that route.

[Mr. Bloom]

I do agree that it is a choice, but I encourage you to involve your chosen partner in the deliberation and not make the choice alone;)

I know women who have kept their name, and some who hyphenated their name, and I know a man who created a new hyphenated name for both of them to take - and they're all still happily married:D.

The decision is not as important as how you arrive at it - Good Luck

But then, what do I know...Silver's name went from a singular body part to a plural of the same body part when she married me - it's very odd - so she even went a step farther...she DROPPED her "birth name":eek:

[Andrea]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.


Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either.
I have a 'name at birth"

I never did too well in the role of maiden :rolleyes:


Yeah, that, too :D

[Becky]

I changed my name. At the time, I didn't give it much thought. In hindsight, I wish that I hadn't. DH and I now work in the same department and have many of the same (external) work contacts. Keeping my maiden name may have cut down on some of the personal chatter that invariably comes up when someone realizes that yes, in fact, we are related. But at this point, it would be too much of a PITA and cause too much of a stir to change it.

[Bron]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

Rather than being your father's property? Ok, not being completely serious there, but you do choose your husband yourself.

I changed mine, it was a bit of a hassle, but I like it that we have the same name and at least I don't have to spell it out to people here (but I do when I get home). I have to spell my first name out to everyone everywhere.

Now my first name really is part of my identity and there is no way I would ever change that.

[papaver]

Here it's not allowed to change your name. You always have to use your maiden name, married or not.

[singletrackmind]

Loss of identity?

Don't have a kid! I'm now 'Mrs. kid's name mom'. It's all good. No matter what you call me I'm still me. I'm not particular on the label, so long as it's fairly reasonable and you can say it in public.
Sticks, stones, all that stuff. :D

[SheFly]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

Same boat. EXCEPT, when I married my second husband, he was adamant about me taking his name - said there wasn't really a reason for us to legally get married, otherwise (we were planning a family at the time, and had been living together for several years).

We discussed it together and I came up with a compromise. I decided to legally change my middle name to my birth surname - my brother and I are the last of the line with my birth surname, so I thought this would please my dad. Backfired! My dad was the one who gave my my original middle name! DOH!

So, today, legally, I go by firstname, birth surname, DH surname. My parents still insert my birth middle name though, giving me four names :D.

Yes, it's a PITA to change (especially when you have already been through this process twice!), but I like my name, and don't feel that I've lost any of my identity because I changed it.

SheFly

[Aggie_Ama]

I wanted my husband's name but at the same time loved my birth name. I HATED my given middle name of Jean, from the time I was about 8 or 9. So I marched down to the Social Security office and put my new name as Amanda_birth last name_husband last name. I love my name now, my resume has my middle name because I love my middle name. I actually love being called Mrs. his last name. His name is only 5 letters and is simple but people ask how to spell (there is more than one way) and mispronounce.

My German mess of birth last name my pawpaw gave my dad was 9 letters. No one could pronounce it or spell it. But 3 weeks before our wedding my Pawpaw was stolen from us by a heart attack and I decided then and there his name would stay with me somehow. My husband wanted us to have the same name because to him marriage is becoming a team not a piece of property. But I sign Amanda middle initial last name.

My mother chose to keep her name as her middle name. Her mother and her have the same first name. When my mom was 16 her mother was declared legally blind and often sent my mom to do shopping or errands. Once my mom changed her name she figured keeping the drivers license with her birth name on it would be easier. So her first name middle name matches my Mammaw's checks and has never been an issue for her. After her father died in 1982 (she changed her name in 1975) she said she was glad to have his name along.

[ASammy1]

I got married in 2004 and never changed my name. My husband didn't care and my MIL actually liked the fact that I kept my name. In 2007 I got divorced (it was really ugly) and I've never been so happy that I didn't change my name!

[7rider]

I think it's a choice.
I did not change my name when I got married. I suppose if we had children, I would change my name to his, if only for the convenience factor of the kid's name(s). But, without kids, I see no particular reason to go through the hassle of changing my name. DH doesn't care. If you want to call me "Mrs. (husband's last name)", then that's okay by me. I respond to just about anything as long as it's not a threat or a slur.
My family always says "I don't care what you call me....just don't call me late for dinner!" :p

[mtbdarby]

Interesting thread....

I did change my last name when I got married. Partially because I felt we were a team, partially because I felt like it was expected of me, and partially because I was sick to death of people mispronouncing my German last name (which when correctly pronounced sounds quite normal, incorrectly sounds like a lady of the evening!).

When my marriage started going south, I automatically started calling myself by my birth name. It felt normal and I felt like it was "who I was". When the divorce was final I really struggled with the name, but left it as my married name so that I had the same last name as my son. I know it's easy for people to say and spell, but to this day it's not me and I don't relate to it. My ex was astonished that I would even think of changing it back which surprised me.

Anyway, go with what feels natural for the both of you. I do like the suggestion of keeping your birth surname as your middle name. Maybe that's what I'll do....

[sundial]

I wanted my husband's name but at the same time loved my birth name.

Same here, added the birth name as my middle name and took Mr. Sundial's name.

[DebW]

I believe in keeping one name for life. When I married in 1980, dh said he thought families should have the same last name. I disagreed, but said if he felt strongly about it he could change his name. He didn't. If he had insisted I change mine, I wouldn't have married him, because that would have meant he was an MCP (who remembers what that stands for?). Fast forward to 2 years ago when we went to marriage counseling (we should be divorcing this year), and among his complaints were that I didn't change my name and would never agree to a joint bank account. The bigger problem was that I married the wrong gender - the other things were just symptoms. I did kind of always resent that both kids got his last name. I wanted my last name for one and his for the other.

[Andrea]

... he was an MCP (who remembers what that stands for?)...
Microsoft Certified Professional
Maritime Communications Partner
Molecular and Cellular Proteomics
Medical Center at Princeton
Metal Coating Process

Ah... here we go- male chauvinist pig!

I knew google wouldn't fail me...

[Biciclista]

I'll confess; I remembered (what MCP meant)

[Andrea]

Is 27.75 old enough to know? I think I'd heard it before but forgotten.

[Crankin]

I remembered, Deb, and I laughed!
I didn't change my name the first time, but people started calling me by his last name anyway. It caused a hassle with the ASU legal aid divorce I got in 1977. I had to go through the process of legally changing it back.
I come from a culture (at least in New England) where everyone pretty much uses her birth name as her middle name when she gets married, if she is changing her last name. I didn't realize this was different from what is common. When DH and I were planning our marriage, the name change thing was the only thing we disagreed on. He really wanted me to take his name, so I did. Then, after a few years, he realized it didn't matter in the least to him (he was raised by very traditional parents) and suggested that I change back. But, by this time I didn't care so much. Legally, I am Robyn birth name, DH's last name. I sign everything this way, with no hyphen. People don't call me that, though, although around here it is very common to do so. I think because I was a teacher, people just went with the Mrs. DH's last name...
As I said, around here many people don't change their name, use hyphenated names, or do as I have. It's common to have families with many different last names. Both of my kids have my birth name as their middle name. At first, they hated it, but when we moved to a community with more progressive values and half the kids had hyphenated names, they realized it wasn't that "weird." The oldest one uses it on all official documents (like his college diploma), but the younger one uses his initial only. I don't think he even knows how to spell it correctly (it's a slightly different spelling of a name that while it isn't super common, is recognizable).
Once in awhile, I think that this is the only thing I gave in on, but in retrospect, I have been married for almost 30 years and there's more important things!

[Aggie_Ama]

We got married May 24, I graduated May 9. So guess what the all important paper handed to me by Dr. Robert Gates from Texas A&M says my name is? :) My Aggie Ring says Amanda J. Birth Last Name (I can't believe it all fit in a size 5.5 ring). I am cool with it. I am still me and my family thinks I am still one of them even if my legal name is different.

[GLC1968]

I changed my name. Never thought anything of it. Plus- I was changing my name from a really confusing German/American hybrid name to a generic name (Brown). I never have to spell it, which is so nice. When my dad died, I kind of wished I'd kept it, but my brother has a son, so the name will go on. :)

Ditto, exactly...except that my father is still alive. I love not having to spell my last name anymore (even though I always still have to spell both my first name and my middle name - if using it).

And if you want to talk about unusual last names, my maiden name belongs to 4 people. My parents, my brother and myself (now, my brother's wife and not me, but still 4 people). No one else in the entire world (living). Talk about lack of privacy - I meet someone and one Google search and they know every thing about my family they could possibly want to know. It sucked. As much as I liked being unique, it was somewhat scary in many ways (particularly when I was dating). Now, my married name sounds like a soap opera name - and in fact, it's the name belonging to a character from an 80's fantasy TV drama. When you google it, you get hits about that show and not about me. :p

I was married at 35, too. My first career, my college degrees and my master's thesis are all in my maiden name even though we got married before I was done with graduate school. When I started my first job in my second career, it was with my married name. It was an easy transition for me.

If I had to do it all again, I would. Regardless of what my driver's license says...I'm still a 'maiden name' and always will be. By taking my husband's name, now I'm a 'married name' as well. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best of both worlds.

[lph]

It's up to everyone to make their own decision for their own reasons, but personally I can't see any reason I would want to change my name, ever. I'm not married, for that matter, but for all practical purposes, and in all the ways that count, we're married, and I call him my husband. (In Norwegian that neatly comes out as "my man", which is quite correct ;) )

Basically I consider marriage a private matter, as private as what I vote, what my religious views are, what my interests are and who my friends are. Not a secret, mind you, but something that I don't feel the need to state publicly by changing my name. I'm me with my name, the man I'm married to is someone else.

Our son carries both our surnames. Mine is the most unusual, so that became his given surname, while my dh's surname became his middle name. To keep things a little simpler we gave him just one first name, a slightly unusual one. I promised dh that I would use our son's full name on all occasions so that dh's surname wouldn't "disappear".

Likewise I have my mother's maiden name as my middle name. I hated it like the plague as a teenager, as a grown-up I suddenly appreciated having both my parents represented in my name and I use both names actively today.

[MM_QFC!]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either...

Exactly, Zen - neither do I..."birth name" is an instantly understandable term, isn't it? I much prefer it to that other term, for a variety of reasons...to each their own though, so I respect it if a woman uses that term because she prefers it, and assume that my ownpreference is respected too.

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.
FWIW: even when I was married, I did not choose to change my name. I have 2 sons and neither had any hint of an identity crisis; I was very active in their schools, sports and other activities throughout and no issues there either in connecting my guys to me as their Mom!

[Karma007]

I changed my name. And...changed it again. And...might someday change it again. (some people collect shot glasses..)Once upon a time, it had old fashioned appeal for me. Now I just know how much it would mean to bf, should that day ever come. We'll see.

[Biciclista]

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.

thanks MM, I did not know that!!

[MM_QFC!]

Hey Mimi - and I also remember the term: MCP!

[tulip]

Yes, my French passport, national ID card, and consulate card have both names: née and my (ex) husband's last name. I never changed my name when I was married many years ago, but I wanted to. My husband did not want me to change it. I longed for a "normal" name that I would not need to spell out. Plus, it seemed like we would be a team.

Of course, now it's easier to not have to change it back, but it's something that I wish I had pushed for. That and alot of other issues, too, for that matter.

[Grog]

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

[Aggie_Ama]

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.


We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

[tulip]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

[msincredible]

I didn't change my name for the first marriage, which turned out to be a good thing.

I was a bit hesitant to change my name for the second (current) marriage because I have publications, etc. in my name. However, there were three reasons I decided to do so:
- he preferred it
- we are planning a family
- my first initial/last name makes an unfortunate combination when used for work login accounts, would be nice to not have that anymore :o

I'm starting the process now, we were married 4 months ago but we were also in the process of buying a house, wasn't a good time to mess around with paperwork and legal records.

I'm keeping my original middle name, but for work purposes I will probably include my "birth name" (like that term) on business cards, etc.

[Skierchickie]

I guess I didn't really think about it much at the time - just went with the traditional name change. I don't mind, except that, for a 1-syllable, 5-letter name, NOBODY can spell it. I have to spell it several times to people over the phone. And they still get it wrong. I see my name in email lists at work, with it spelled wrong - and if I say anything, people think I'm being snippy (no, just trying to keep it from propagating throughout the entire world).:rolleyes:

I do know a woman who didn't take her second husband`s name at first - she was in her 40s or early 50s when they were married, she'd had a bad experience with her first, was pretty independent, etc. He ended up dying of cancer after maybe 8-10 years of marriage, and she told me not long after that she was going to take his name. She wanted that link to him, and to his children and grandchildren. I thought it was a very loving thing to do.

Do what you want to do - in the long run, you are the one who will be living with it. Personally, while I don't remember it very clearly (been almost 19 years), I don't remember the whole name-change thing being much of a hassle. Things may have changed since then, though, or maybe it was just Michigan.

[deedolce]

I tried hyphenating my maiden name and my ex's name, and there never was a place for it on forms (this was a LONG time ago!) so it morphed into my middle name. I was NEVER called my first name, and didn't even know what it was until 1st grade, when I didn't think it was me! And I liked that the ethnic/racist factor was taken out by becoming a common anglo name. Seems silly now, but I've had tires slashed, yelled out, etc... when going to places around the US.

And I liked having the same name as my kids, even after my divorce. I rather identify with it now, although I've been divorced for almost 20 years. :eek: :D

If I got married again to the bf, I don't think I'd take his last name (not a really attractive sounding name.) I STILL want to have the same last name as my kids!! And it seems a big time pita to change it on everything. Everyone can spell it, and I just plain like it!

[Grog]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Sorry, I think I wrote too fast. I meant: what exactly would/does make him happy about it? (Not why you know it would make him happy.)

[chatterbox]

I changed mine. I was about to start publishing in my profession, so it was an opportune moment. And before I changed it, if you googled myfirstname hislastname in quotation marks, there were absolutely no hits. So in changing my name I became the only me on the internet. Which I thought was pretty cool. I have an unusual enough first name that I never really had the last name attached, so it isn't too much of an identity issue for me. The new last name has a heck of a lot of letters though...

[Selkie]

This is a very personal choice.

I kept my maiden name for many reasons. Ironically, my second-line supervisor gave me a "talking to" about it (this was 1987 - husband and I worked in the same office at the time - because we eloped, everyone thought I was pregnant). In addition, my inlaws didn't "approve." My husband could care less, and if he had, he wouldn't have been the kind of man I'd marry.

[Crankin]

To answer the "why" question; well, we talked about it at length. My husband is the least MCP person around, but he really felt that it was sort of like what someone said above; that having the same name shows we are a team. The issue of having kids with different names never came up. I knew plenty of people who had different names from their kids, even in 1979.
We also had the same discussion about having a joint bank account. We decided to get one. Many years later, we ended up having 2 accounts. Although they were both joint, my check went in one and his in another. That way, I could track "my" money, although it was mostly so I could buy gifts and things for people that I wanted to specifically buy with my earnings. Same thing for my son's college education and his car. I was very clear to him that my salary was paying for those things.
I know that this seems very old fashioned to some, but I have never felt like I lost my identity. My husband has done nothing but encourage me in all aspects of life. Those of you who know me in person can probably guess that I am very outspoken and I wouldn't put up with cr*p from anyone. I had a very traumatic and horrible first marriage at a young age. I swore that I would never get myself in that position again. Changing my name hasn't made a difference in how I feel about myself.
Though at one point, when my husband's parents were acting like azzholes, he considered changing his name to my birth name...

[Aggie_Ama]

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.


Well to get married in the 107 year old church I had my heart set on from the time I was 8 it was required but it was a very good experience for both of us.

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

But I am still very independent and if I had decided not change my name it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I think that was the important thing for me. It was always my decision, my husband was happy I did but he would have married me if I didn't.

[sfa]

To answer the what would have made him happy about taking his name question: I only suspect it would have made my husband happy if I had taken his name--at the time he said it didn't matter to him. But I know he is very proud of his family and ancestry and the name is a part of that (they have a town named after them!)--and these are among the reasons I wanted to KEEP my own name (and we only have one street named after us back in Germany, plus a couple of hot dog stands). And this is why I think he said it didn't matter--the name said more about what was in the past and not a thing about who we are as a couple or a family.

Sarah

[SheFly]

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

I have a similar "happy" story to Aggie - DH and I are a team, and partners. Having the same last name is part of both of our identities as part of that team. He is also something of a "traditionalist", brought up in rural New England, so to him, it was just what was supposed to happen. At the time, we were also planning a family, and all of us having the same last name was very important to him (having children didn't work out for us, but we are still a family!).

For us, what's his is ours and what's mine is ours. We also only have one bank account - joint. After my first marriage, this was also something I swore against, but it makes sense and works for us.

Our cycling friends often refer to us as "Team DH's last name" which I like - we are indeed a true team, and this is what makes BOTH of us happy about having the same last name.

SheFly

p.s.
Unlike Aggie, I think it would have been a deal breaker for us if I hadn't changed my name. We would have just continued living together as a couple, and not gotten married.

[Aint Doody]

Third marriage. Changed my name all 3 times. Not a big deal. And where I grew up, we all used our maiden name as our middle name after marrying. The middle name just sorta disappeared.

[anakiwa]

Thanks for all your great responses!

In a lot of ways it kind of comes down to the fact that I want both- I want to keep my name and I want to take his (and when I say I want to keep mine, I mean as a last name).

As for the middle name idea- my current middle name is my mother's maiden (or birth name)- so it's not an easy one for me to drop. If I take his name, I'll become first name-mothers birth name- my birth name- his last name. Kind of a pain, but I don't want to pick one parent's name to drop either.

As to which name is more appealing- I like both options.

My fiance will support whichever decision I make (though I'm sure he'd be thrilled if I take his name).

Professionally, it will be confusing. I'm a physician- so there are a ton of people who may get confused (and I don't envy our front office staff who'll have to add an extra line to reminder calls etc for some time). But I've practiced in the same place for more than 5 years- people know me and they'll figure it out (and the fact that I've been wearing an engagement ring since October will probably help ease the confusion).

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get:confused::confused:

[Tuckervill]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm a physician

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get:confused::confused:

Well, with your fiance's understanding and flexibility, you do have options.

If there was ever a case for keeping your current name, you've hit it with your profession and all the complexity that goes into maintaining your license, etc

Silver's sister uses her "birth name" professionally and marriage name personally...I don't think they find it confusing.

Best wishes in the marriage!

[trinena]

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

my husband dropped his middle name and replaced it with my last name. no hyphens. we haven't done the official paperwork for the changes yet.

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

& we def. feel like we're a team.

[msincredible]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?


One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

[SheFly]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

Hundreds of years of tradition. At least for me. In some ways, I am very old fashioned. Plus, I like his better :D

SheFly

[Aggie_Ama]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

It was shorter. My birth name is 8 letters, his last name is 5 letters. His first name is extremely long, one of the longest you can give a man he should have one letter for his last name to help. I see nothing wrong with following tradition if it suits you and for me I wanted my husband's name. But as I said I chose to do it, no one told me it was required.

I actually asked him to take my name but he said he would rather me keep it if it meant that much but he wouldn't change his because he felt passionately about his name as well. He wouldn't make me change mine either. The one thing he hates hyphenated names so he asked that whatever I chose that I didn't hyphenate.

[Grog]

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

That's quite cool. I wish I had thought about that.

[newfsmith]

When we married 40 years ago, neither set of parents was thrilled with our choice of partner. I chose to go first name, birth surname, husband's surname. My husband added my birth surname as a middle name. He has consistently used that for drivers' license, bank accounts, IRA's, etc. For us, it was a way of saying that we were a separate family from either of our FOO's. Indeed, at the time we married, my MIL was encouraging me not to take Smith as my surname because it was so common. At the time, it felt like she was saying it would be easier for us to split, like everyone expected. Now, I realize that there are lots more important things to worry about. I didn't give myself my birth name, first or last, so my identity isn't too tied up there. I am who I am to the people in front of me, that I have worked with or played with. My name has very little to do with that.

[Zen]

One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

Huh?


Hundreds of years of tradition.


Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

[ny biker]

The man who represents my district in the state legislature changed his name when he got married. He and his wife combined their last names into a new name and they both changed to it.

As for people automatically calling you "Mrs.", I've never been married but people address me as Mrs. Mylastname all the time. I always have to stifle the impulse to say "My mother's not here."

[Brandi]

I had already had two last names when i got married. The name I was born with, then my mom got married for a 2nd time and i took his last name(never legal though and that caused me problems later in life, like when i went to get a pass port and had to get someone to swear I was who i said I was, thanks mom) and the 2nd guy she married was an a*s so i was happy to change my last name and besides it is much shorter to write!

[shootingstar]

As for people automatically calling you "Mrs.", I've never been married but people address me as Mrs. Mylastname all the time. I always have to stifle the impulse to say "My mother's not here."

I'm not married either, but when I am somewhere by myself, I seldom get called Mrs. xxxx. Many people often refer to me as "Miss".

At the German engineering firm that I used to work for, I had to explain to a German systems employee that we flew in from head office, that the software settings for automatic assignment of saluations for generating letter templates, had to be changed to: replace "Miss", "Mrs."...with Ms. The guy wasn't a dummy and accommodating, but he was genuinely unfamiliar with the English saluation of "Ms." for business purposes. I understand that there is no German language equivalent to "Ms".

'Course I had to gently add that a woman's marital status has no bearing whatsoever on her competence and what she does for her job, while she is at work.

I never had any female employee drop by and ask me to change software settings back to the old.

Aiyaaaahhhhhh! This is the 21st century and Germany is full of working women, plus female engineers.....

[GLC1968]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

[mayanorange]

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I know many women in academia and medicine who do this. Privately, they use their husband's name and the kids do too, but at work, they're still Dr. Birthname. As long as you're consistent, it works.

I took my hubby's name after much consideration. I like my birth name- it's extremely rare and it's, well me... but DH's family name is also extremely rare, so we're saving a name either way. I would have done the 2 last name thing, but it's waaay too long and weird. And I have some nephews to carry on my family's name. So I'm Gwenn middlename DHname legally, but scientifically and some other times, Gwenn E.C. DHname or the long version of Gwenn birthname DHname. It's still me whichever way.

The only really weird thing was the first 6-8 mos getting used to answering the phone with a different name. Writing it was fine, but saying it took a lot of getting used to.

[SheFly]

Huh?
Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

It could - but I was ONLY referring to why taking his last name when we felt part of a team - not the entire insitution of marriage ;).

Surprisingly, I'm not usually one to defer to tradition either. I don't despise it, but don't tend to follow it too closely. I guess that like GLC, a better answer would have been that it never occurred to me to ask him to take my name either....

SheFly (the oxymoron :D)

[mayanorange]

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

Too true!! I don't care what last name you slap on there and can even forgive one or both of them being slaughtered in spelling (they're not that hard, but wow), but the not even being worthy of having my own first name convention is weird.....

Granted, my gramma had return labels of Mrs. Frank DHname even after grandpa died, but them's were different times.

[Aggie_Ama]

My Mammaw still signs everything Mrs. M.W. last name. My Pawpaw (M.W.) died in 1982. She is 91 but not a very outwardly affectionate person. One day I took her to the cardiologist and she opened up about how she was so depressed after he died she wished she had known to ask for help but people didn't do that in 1982. I think they did but people like my Mammaw from extremely rural Texas haven't been one to run to "the shrink".

So even though it is her generation I think of her signing the name as holding onto a man she loved even though she has trouble showing love. It is sweet to me. Just like a month before he died he bought brand new boots, the three kids begged her to give them to charity but she kept them these 27 years. She just needs to have pieces of him, kind of sad and kind of sweet.

I don't mind being called Mrs. Last name or Mrs. Amanda Last name. I am not too keen on being called Mrs. DH first name last name.

[kfergos]

We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.Ditto.

[limewave]

I haven't read every single post, so apologies if its gotten off topic or someone already mentioned this . . .

I took on DH's last name and changed my middle name to my maiden name. Make sense? It was more work to do that, but it was worth it. Of course, my maiden name was Dean, so it wasn't a strange name to make a middle name.

I go by all three names in some circles and just first and last in others. I thought it was a nice way to keep my maiden name, yet I don't have to sign papers and checks with a hyphenated last name.

[Zen]

I really like both my first and middle names. I don't think I've ever met anyone that has my middle name as their first name. I'd never just drop it to fit something else in.

If heell freezes over and I ever get married again I might just change my last name to McGee. It goes with everything :)

[pinkychique]

I skipped on some of this thread, too, so hopefully it's not redundant...

I am one of the children with both my mom/dad's names. My mom kept her name when she got married, I've heard that it was because 1) she had already started a professional career and didn't want to confuse anyone, and 2) she doesn't like that taking his name is following the old convention of the husband owning his wife. I was born Aubrey Dad'sLastname, and got the option in first grade to add my mom's name on, so now I'm Mom'sLastname-Dad'sLastname. A LOT of people think that I'm married because I'm hyphenated, but I'm not. But I like having my name hyphenated because it makes it a completely unique name, and I'm pretty sure that even though I have a LONG signature :rolleyes: I am not ever going to take my future DH's name, if ever there be. My sister took her husband's name when she got married, and now I think her name sounds silly instead of unique. And now I'm really the only person in the world with my name. That's really cool :D . I bet though that when/if I have children, they'll have my theoretical DH's name, to make things simple....not sure though.

[ny biker]

I really like both my first and middle names. I don't think I've ever met anyone that has my middle name as their first name. I'd never just drop it to fit something else in.

If heell freezes over and I ever get married again I might just change my last name to McGee. It goes with everything :)

But what if you marry a guy whose last name is McGee???

[msincredible]

Huh?

Women just need a copy of the marriage certificate.

My understanding is that men typically need a court order.

[Tuckervill]

So here's a new twist, which I was reminded of yesterday.

My friend's husband is a radio announcer, and uses an assumed name, because his real name is not really great for radio. For 15 years he was known all over town as his radio name, except to those who knew his wife and family, and we all called him by his real name. THEN they moved to another state and a similar radio name already existed, so he had to change it.

Now my friend gets mail addressed to THREE different Mrs. His Name, and she only has one husband! lol.

Karen

[Crankin]

Tuckerville, I agree with you. Don't try to test my independence just because I took my husband's name!
Zen, I can't tell if you are kidding or not, with some of your posts!
While I am definitely not traditional (ask my kids, who were constantly embarrassed by my non-traditionalism when they were younger), I do believe that traditions and rituals are very important. Traditions don't need to be "traditional," but people who don't have them often are lonely and depressed.

And nothing bugs me more than when someone addresses a letter to me as Mrs. husband's first, last name. Thankfully, only my grandmother did that and she died in 1997. Every time she wrote to me, my husband would open it, because he saw his name on the envelope.

[Grog]

Women just need a copy of the marriage certificate.

My understanding is that men typically need a court order.

In British Columbia and in most places in Canada (except Quebec where neither men nor women change their name) to my knowledge it's the same procedure for men and women. (Or men and men or women and women since same-sex marriage is permitted.)

I would be surprised if it was different in the USA as for civil matters the system is usually the same. Any better info from South-of-49th?

[sfa]

In British Columbia and in most places in Canada (except Quebec where neither men nor women change their name) to my knowledge it's the same procedure for men and women. (Or men and men or women and women since same-sex marriage is permitted.)

I would be surprised if it was different in the USA as for civil matters the system is usually the same. Any better info from South-of-49th?

When my sister married and took her husband's last name all it took was sending a copy of the marriage certificate to Social Security, then sending the new information to everyone who needed it (banks, DMV, etc.).

When my brother changed his last name to his birth father's last name (he was adopted as an infant then became close to his birth father as an adult) he had to get a court order to do it and then go through the same routine of sending the information first to Social Security and then to everyone else.

It sounds more complicated, but getting the court order is no more difficult than getting married. What I don't know is if they'd allow a marriage certificate only for a man to legally change his last name. I think they'd have a hard time denying it, though.

[Grog]

When my sister married and took her husband's last name all it took was sending a copy of the marriage certificate to Social Security, then sending the new information to everyone who needed it (banks, DMV, etc.).

When my brother changed his last name to his birth father's last name (he was adopted as an infant then became close to his birth father as an adult) he had to get a court order to do it and then go through the same routine of sending the information first to Social Security and then to everyone else.


I am fairly sure that it's related to marriage vs. "out-of-the-blue" (for lack of a better word) name change, not to being a woman versus a man.

If it was related to gender, then it would be a great lawsuit for discrimination waiting to happen!

[SheFly]

When we were married, there was a spot on the marriage application for both the man and woman to indicate the name they would use after marriage. This to me, indicates that a marriage certificate would have been sufficient if my DH had wanted to change his name at the time.

Oh, and since we're a state where marriage is legal for everyone, I would also ASSUME (ahem) that in the case of two men marrying, one (or both) would be able to legally change his name as a result.

SheFly (MA)

[RoadRaven]

I do have a friend who created a new name with her husband by combining their two last names. I mean, really, why do the women have to be the ones who abandon their family name?

I wish I had thought of that.

Karen

When I started using my maiden name at work with my married name about 6 years ago, my musband said if he'd known I wanted to keep my name, we could have each taken the others names - he would have had a double-barreled name too. But that was 24 years ago and it never entered my head...

[tygab]

kept my name, and no regrets on that. I feel it was the name I was born with and meant to have.

I do get the periodic card addressed to me w/husband's last name. I notice, but don't let it bother me much.

since we are having #1 this yr, he or she will get the husband's last name, and I'll be fine with being called the O... family. hope it won't be too much of a pain on the kid forms etc.

[msincredible]

I am fairly sure that it's related to marriage vs. "out-of-the-blue" (for lack of a better word) name change, not to being a woman versus a man.

If it was related to gender, then it would be a great lawsuit for discrimination waiting to happen!

This article is a couple of years old, not sure if there are any updates.

http://abcnews.go.com/us/story?id=2778930

[anakiwa]

I had been leaning toward changing my name, but after posting this thread and talking more with my fiance, I'm starting to lean toward 2 names. (I had assumed he'd be thrilled if I took his name- turns out he says it would make him feel guilty- he doesn't want to change his name, and therefore feels guilty about the idea of me changing mine.)

Does anyone know much about the legality/custom involved in having 2 names (keeping my current name as my professional name, going by his last name in my personal life)? Does my current last name stay my legal name? (or is it the other way around, which I imagine would make for much more paperwork)? Does custom permit me to go by his last name in my personal life, without it actually being my real name???

[Grog]

Does custom permit me to go by his last name in my personal life, without it actually being my real name???

I'm not a lawyer, in fact I am not even American. But my somewhat educated guess is: yes. You can call yourself Bozo the Clown socially if you want (unless you make money out of it and the real Bozo doesn't find it funny, I guess), but don't expect to sign contracts under that name.

This being said, I will let authorities speak out on this!

[Tuckervill]

I read up on it once, and of course the law is different from state to state. But the general consensus I remember is that as long as you are not trying to defraud anyone, you can call yourself anything you want.

Karen

[ZenSojourner]

I'll confess; I remembered (what MCP meant)

I used to call my son (jokingly) a male chauvinist piglet when he was little.

In fact it got to be a running joke. He'd think up something semi-obnoxious to say just to get me to call him that, LOL!

To this day every once in awhile he'll pop out with something very definitely not PC to get a laugh, such as (and I quote):

"I happen to know that women are emotional timebombs who must be sheltered from the ways of the world lest they be overcome"

LOL!

I don't think he remembers how it got started.

As for the name change stuff, I didn't and I'm glad. This was discussed with my ex prior to the marriage at some length and then lo and behold, like 3 days before the wedding, he claims we never talked about it. I wasn't about to let him pressure me into a name change at the last minute, but it was a warning sign that the marriage was in trouble before it ever started.

The stuff about kids and last names is pretty silly as well. There are tons of yours-mine-and-ours families these days, should the kids with the "different" names feel badly? Of course not. My son had a different last name than I did for his entire life and he thought that was entirely normal. He's working on a PhD, no drugs, alcohol, STDs, car wrecks, stealing, vandalism, arson, or out-of-wedlock children. I didn't list murder, because he is a notorious killer-of-houseplants.

The fact that he had a "different" last name than I did doesn't seem to have kept him from growing up to be a well-adjusted adult.

[DebW]

When we were married, there was a spot on the marriage application for both the man and woman to indicate the name they would use after marriage. This to me, indicates that a marriage certificate would have been sufficient if my DH had wanted to change his name at the time.

Oh, and since we're a state where marriage is legal for everyone, I would also ASSUME (ahem) that in the case of two men marrying, one (or both) would be able to legally change his name as a result.

SheFly (MA)

Actually, the federal Defense of Marriage Act prevents the US government from recognizing name changes for same sex couples via marriage licenses. Such couples CANNOT change their social security card or get a new passport with their new name to match their state driver's license and other ID unless they get a court-ordered name change. There may be equality in our state, but definitely NOT in our country.

[andtckrtoo]

I HATED my name growing up! Hated it!! 28 years of being teased to high heaven because of my last name made me not as appreciative of the symbolism as I may have been. So I was thrilled to be able to change my name to my first husband's last name. I love it so much (made me sound like a character in a book), I kept it even after the divorce because my daughter has the same last name, and I did not want to go back to my birth name. When I got married again, I kept my name for a while - and actually kept that name, but used my new husband's last name, too.

Grog is correct - you can use any name you want as long as do not use a name in an attempt to defraud. I have many friends who use both their birth and married names. It's only when legally signing documents that you really need to make sure you are using your legal name (of which you only have one). I ended up changing my name (5 years into my marriage) when my DH got airline tickets to Hawaii with me as my first name, his last name. To change the name of the ticket was harder than changing my name, believe it or not, and it didn't really matter to me. My name is now officially My first name, my 1st husband's last name and my 2nd husband's last name. As my birth last name is fairly common, my parents were not upset.

[Karma007]

I used to call my son (jokingly) a male chauvinist piglet when he was little.

In fact it got to be a running joke. He'd think up something semi-obnoxious to say just to get me to call him that, LOL!


"I happen to know that women are emotional timebombs who must be sheltered from the ways of the world lest they be overcome"



That's funny!

[Zen]

"I happen to know that women are emotional timebombs who must be sheltered from the ways of the world lest they be overcome"


Overcome? By "the vapors" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria)?
check out the treatment for the vapors :D

[ZenSojourner]

Probably. When he said it (we were IM-ing), I pointed out that one of our founding fathers, Patrick Henry, had locked his wife up in the basement because she was "crazy". That's what too much reading will do for a woman.

He promptly Googled it - I must say he hasn't been as trusting of me since the Jackalope incident when he was 9 - discovered it was true, and proclaimed, "Patrick Henry is my Hero!"

He's a pistol.

[Flur]

I took DH's name, gladly. BUT, I was already in the midst of name-identity crisis. My birth father and my mom never married, so I had my mom's last name at birth. This was just fine by me (who wants the name of a guy who wishes she hadn't existed in the first place?). But my mom remarried and her new husband (my dad) adopted me, and I took his name when I was 9. We weren't very close when I was growing up, and I didn't relate to the name at all, plus it's Scottish and I don't look at all Scottish so it caused people to probe. By the time I got to college I wanted to change my name back, but I thought it would hurt his feelings so I didn't.

So when DH and I decided to get married it was an easy decision for me. I got to take a name that I liked, and have a reason for having it that people don't question. And now it feels more like me than any of the other names. If something happened and we got divorced I wouldn't change it back. It's who I am now.

[moserpower]

Anakiwa,
I'm in exactly the same boat as you--35 getting married this June. I'd always assumed I'd change my name when I married but now I have a serious professional profile in my maiden name. My final decision was based upon this: I love my husband to be more than I ever loved my father. So I'm changing my name. Also, I think if you are planning to have kids, it's nice to spare them the hyphen problem or the choosing option.