Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

Tri Girl

02-23-2009, 04:50 AM

This is going to be long, so I don't mind if you just hit the back button and move on to something lighter.
Ok, so I'm coming here in hopes that you ladies (and maybe men) will have some words of wisdom, advice, face-slapping (to get me out of my funk), etc...

We've been married for 11.5 years (together for 13). The last few months I feel like DH and I are more like roommates than a married couple. We just go through the motions, it seems. I know marriage ebbs and flows and sometimes you're closer than others, but it seems that every little thing he does drives me crazy lately. We're both a little more snippy with each other than normal, and I've been developing my "back up plan" in case we get divorced. I love him, but sometimes I wonder if I should've just stayed single (which makes me teary-eyed). I'm such a different person now than I was in my early 20's and it seems that maybe what I wanted back then isn't what I want now.

We haven't talked about things. We're not great communicators- can't even have much of a discussion or debate without getting snippy. We've never been ones to talk about our feelings (that comes from both our families and our upbringing). I will bring up something this week to him: asking him if he's happy or not, but I don't even know how to approach the subject. I don't want to say I'm unhappy and hurt him, because once you say something you can't take it back.

I think that perhaps this all stems from that fact that I think I am experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I've always been very happy and outgoing, but the last year or so I've become an introvert and sad a lot. I don't know if my feelings about the marriage are stemming from hating my job, feeling trapped where we live (I've always moved every 3 years growing up and I've been here for 16 years), or just my general feelings of sadness. Last week on the way to work I wondered what would happen if I steered my car into the pylons on the highway (more than once). I think I need to talk to a professional.

I don't even know what advice I'm asking from you. Are the feelings of unhappiness with a marriage normal after this many years? When you hit a certain point in life do you think about what you should've/could've done? Is this an early mid-life crisis? Do you think I need to talk to a professional, and if so- how do you go about finding one?

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I don't have family to talk to, and I don't have many friends to talk to. I feel kinda alone...

Aggie_Ama

02-23-2009, 05:09 AM

First, yes I think it is normal and yes I think you can get through it without divorce. We have only been married 5 years but seem to roll up and down from honeymoon to just friends valley. It sucks when we are in the valley but we try to plug on. And yes I sometimes wonder what would happen if I were suddenly divorced or if we had decided to stay single longer, I love my husband but when the days get tough you start questioning every choice you made. When things are good in my life I am confident in all my decisions from my haircut to my friendships to my job. I honestly believe most married couples would like to admit they feel like you do at some point. My own parents got married in 1975 and from the outside it appears their relationship did the same cycles but still soldiers on.

Has he not said anything? Maybe read some cues? Does he seem sad as well?

On the other part, I don't think it would hurt to talk to someone. I would see if your health insurance has resources for mental health or talk to you GP for a referral (if you like your GP). My health insurance book has a section on mental health services.

gingerale

02-23-2009, 05:19 AM

SheFly

02-23-2009, 05:40 AM

You are not alone. My DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. This is a second marriage for both of us. I love him - he is my partner and best friend.

There are times, sometimes extended, however, when I don't really like him. There are days when I fantasize about being on my own again, living life MY way and not being responsible to anyone else. In fact, we are in one of those times right now, and I'm not sure what instigated it exactly. We also don't communicate about it, but the tension is often palpable.

I know, however, that this will turn itself around, and we will end up back in a happy place - excited to be together. There won't be a specific turning point either - it will just happen.

I, too, have wondered if this up and down cycle stems from depression. You definitely need someone to talk to, and a professional is a great place to start.

Best wishes to you as you work through this. And vent here as much as you like - it has helped me often to see that I am not alone.

SheFly

Veronica

02-23-2009, 05:47 AM

We're coming up on 23 years of marriage (I was 6 when we got married. :D). Yes, there are times when it's not all perfect. For us communication is very important. He really is my best friend and the person I talk to when I feel like my life sucks.

I bet a lot of it is coming from your job. If you are anything like most of the other teachers I know, you pour your heart and soul into your teaching and when you have a class or classes like you do this year, it just rips you apart. I don't think non teachers quite get this. And you probably feel trapped in education - I know I do. Job security and decent benefits in these economic times...

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. It would be nice if you could talk with your honey, but if you feel weird about that, find someone. Heck, sometimes I just spew it out here on TE, like it's a bad tasting strawberry. :eek:

TALK!!!!

Veronica

OakLeaf

02-23-2009, 05:49 AM

alpinerabbit

02-23-2009, 05:50 AM

Tri Girl,
While I’m not married, I am with my partner for 13 years. We have no kids (dunno if you have, don’ think I heard you mention any).
Of course a relationship is not the same it was back when, especially when you got together quite young.

While I have absolutely no clue about you in truth, I get a feeling that the blues you are mentioning is really dragging you down –it’s the middle of winter ... I had a bout of depression for a period in my life and it made me question everything.

Are you sure there isn’t a lot that you appreciate about the current state of your relationship? Is this the right time to beat yourself up?
Maybe you need to get out and catch some fresh air together?
You really might need some help considering the thoughts you are having. I’ve had them and they are not pretty, and they are not worth having.

Why not seek out a counsellor that will see you, and then if you have worked your personal things and you still feel not sure about the relationship, work on that together ...

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I don't have family to talk to, and I don't have many friends to talk to. I feel kinda alone...
I understand you really feel like crap, please don’t despair about everything. There's stuff worth holding on to.

sfa

02-23-2009, 06:03 AM

Oh, heck, yeah, that's completely normal! I think it would be abnormal for two people to get along perfectly year after year with all peaks and no valleys.

DH and I have been together for 21 years, and of course there have been times where I've wondered why the hell I got married at all and other times when I've wondered if he's getting ready to leave. The worst is when those two times coincide. And yes, being depressed makes it much worse--I went through a couple of years of hell where my depression colored every aspect of my life. On the surface there is nothing especially better about my life now (different job, which did help a lot, but same problems with kids, same cramped and messy house, same old cars, etc.) but having dealt with my depression makes everything much better. It also means that when my relationship with my DH is not at a peak, I have a bit more perspective and know that this isn't the end of the world.

I think there are things you can do, but how you approach it depends on your personality. I'm a planner and I like projects, so I've learned that if I have something to plan for that's six months to a year away, it makes getting through the hassles and irritations of daily life much easier. So I plan vacations or landscaping projects or home improvements (btw, these are to keep ME happy and balanced--if I'm doing o.k., then it follows that I'm happier with my marriage as well). DH likes to make stuff. He's only really unhappy when he doesn't have something he's working on, so he volunteers with Habitat for Humanity and brews beer and builds stuff in our yard. Neither one of us have ever been much for talking over our problems, because I think we both know that we'll eventually get through them. The only time we've resorted to an "o.k., we really have to do something or this is going to fall apart" discussion was at the low point of my depression and we communicated through writing. It let us say what we really wanted to say without getting emotional or heated or saying the wrong thing.

Sarah

Andrea

02-23-2009, 06:07 AM

I was in a similar spot a couple of years ago, and it ended up with divorce-
I'd just graduated w/my masters, landed a great job, and was starting to get very competitive w/cycling. He was still stuck in dead-end jobs, making poor financial decisions, and generally trying to be miserable with life. Like you, when we first got married, we were great for each other- we were both struggling a little to get our "stuff" together, and we helped each other out. Problem is, I matured, worked hard, and succeeded, and, though he was fully capable of doing the same thing, just couldn't seem to find the motivation. So I decided I'd be better off on my own, and I've never regretted that.

Not saying that you should/shouldn't do the same thing... just giving my experience!

lph

02-23-2009, 06:08 AM

To me it sounds like that is depression talking. You don't divorce your husband of 13 years, whom you love, because of a few months of blah. Yes, it's normal to feel like room-mates. Yes, it will pass. But depression can play a hoax on your head and make a normal little bump feel like something huge. You do need to talk together or somehow express how you feel, not only about your relationship, but other things that are making you feel miserable. But he can't cure your depression for you. Professional help is probably a good idea, but don't forget the obvious things: less stress, healthy food, enough sleep. I haven't been there, but if you're seriously/clinically depressed, medication can be a good way to catch your balance.

I don't mean to sound flip, but I truly believe that a long relationship takes persistence and patience, and sometimes you just ARE room-mates. And I know first hand how depression can just make everything intolerable. If you're going to think about a divorce, do so when you're "happy", i.e. feeling stable and have been so for several months. That's the only time you can make solid, wellfounded decisions.

Maybe he has no idea you're sad, just sees that you're snippy and annoyed, and don't seem to like him anymore. Maybe he's upset about something else, and isn't aware of how he's pushing it over onto you. Maybe he desperately misses the way it used to be but hasn't got a clue of how to get there, and needs your help.

bouncybouncy

02-23-2009, 06:15 AM

Sounds all normal to me! All relationships go up and down...and having a bit of depression does not help...but I does not mean it will hurt either!

I would suggest finding someone to talk to...I personally like to talk to professional strangers (as opposed to close friends) when I get down like that. It just makes it easier to open up and not worry about if you say something that might ruin a friendship...then once you have said everything out loud it is easier to filter what is said to who in your close-knit network of loved ones.

I recently asked my primary medical provider for a reference to a therapist...and was quite happy with who I saw! I chose not to use insurance because I ran into "mental health" issues when finding a new insurance once...but there were many other factors involved. Sometimes you can find a Family Help Center that will adjust your fee according to your financial situation. I would suggest thinking twice before taking any prescriptions...I am not saying they are wrong!!! I just know that the times I have seen therapists they all want to prescribe something right away and all I really needed was someone to talk to! I came to that conclusion after about 4 visits with each phase of depression.

Also...when/if you choose to see a therapist: listen to your heart! If you don't like talking to the person...move on and find someone else! Remember YOU are paying them to listen and you are by NO means obligated to go back if you do not want to.

I watched a movie yesterday...it was religious but you could take any of that out and just listen to the concept without the bible references and get alot out of it (I do NOT by any means want to make this a religious discussion...just wanted to point out that you could look beyond the religious part and follow the steps regardless it has gotta make a difference!)
The movie is called: Fireproof My Marriage

I have been a horrible wife lately and did some of these things (before I knew about it) and it has made quite a difference in our marriage. Neither one of us are perfect, in fact he still has some quirks that drive me crazy but the good parts far out-way how loud he eats!!! :o

{{{hug}}} now go get to gettin' happy again! And don't hesitate to come here...I have and always walk away feeling like I got some great advice...or at least something to think about!!!

Biciclista

02-23-2009, 06:20 AM

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

tulip

02-23-2009, 06:31 AM

I sent you an email (I mean PM).

Lots of good comments here. I would just add that every marriage is different. Only you can know what is best for you.

sundial

02-23-2009, 06:40 AM

Tuckervill

02-23-2009, 06:58 AM

Yes! Those feelings are perfectly normal. I've been married just a little longer than you (13 yrs last Aug) and there have been a couple of times in our marriage that I just felt empty inside. It's also funny you bring this up, too, because yesterday in my ladies' class at church one of my mentors was talking about this. She said they have been married more than 40 yrs and she said there has been a couple of times in those yrs that he could have been hit and killed by a bus right in front of her and she would have turned around to their family standing there and said, "So! Where are we going for dinner??" LOL I think it's always good to know that not all marriages are perfect. They do take work. And you're not alone in feeling like the two of you are just not connecting right now.

I also agree it would be a wonderful idea for you to talk to someone. Depression can wreak havoc on marriages and relationships. Good luck with everything.

+10000!

Find something new to interest you. (I didn't say someONE!) Pick out something from your "bucket list" and at least spend some time imagining how you could accomplish it. Let one foot follow the other. That's the practical advice.

The more theoretical advice: This won't always be how it is. It will change. Either it will change towards a dissolution of the relationship, or it will get back to an easy ebb and flow that you are both happy with. Feeling that it will never change is a form of hopelessness that typifies depression, and so I do encourage you to get help. And have hope for the future.

Affectionately,
Karen

GraysonKelly

02-23-2009, 07:08 AM

Hugs for you TriGirl! I'm so sorry that things feel so out of control for you right now. That's not a fun feeling.

I don't know if anyone here will agree with me or not and I'm not married but I have involved with the same person for almost 10 years. I can't tell you what is normal or not. You are correct that marriages/relationships ebb and flow for no particular reason. I think almost everyone would agree with that. But I can't tell you what is normal for you relationship. I will say that I think that you need to care for yourself a little bit more and give yourself a break.

You have been dealing with some very stressful stuff and if you don't know it yourself, I'm going to tell you that it's okay for you to be worried for yourself. It is okay for you to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed. It is okay for you to feel. I know that it is hard when it seems that your marriage is growing stagnant or even sliding into chaos not to find reasons why you might be causing it. But, without knowing you and your husband, it's okay for you to worry about just you. Even when your husband seems unhappy, it is ok for you to step back and say to yourself, "I want and need to worry about taking care of me".

Maybe if you give yourself some time to think about yourself, think about what you need for yourself, from yourself...you'll be able to go to your husband and tell him. It might give you some perspective and might give him some as well.

I'm not saying that you are the problem in your marriage. Not at all. I'm only saying that you've dealt with a heck of lot and you are allowed to give yourself a break. When I was stressing about the same type of issues (including wondering what would happen if I drove my car into something) I sat down and wrote out the stuff that had happened in the last year (which led to things that had happened throughout my life) that stressed me out and made me feel so badly...when I got all that out I reread and realized that if I was reading that list of things written by someone else I would be saying something like "Wow, I'm surprised this person isn't in a straight jacket or on top of a building somewhere with a rifle!" Then I realized that it was a lot to deal with and that I had every right to feel overwhelmed. And that made it easier to start sorting things out. I did go into therapy and that helped tremendously. There is nothing wrong with nor is there anything wrong with your marriage.

Communication is big thing with me but not so much with my partner...that is so incredibly frustrating for me. But I have to do what is best for me and that is talking about what I'm thinking or feeling whether I get a response or not. If you and your husband are not big on communication (verbally) maybe thinking about nonverbal communication would be better.

I'm sorry this is so long and there are probably a lot of people that will disagree with me, but the point of this rather long bit of rambling is that you are allowed to be you, allowed to be an individual, and are allowed to have feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs that are you own independent of your husband or your marriage. Obviously you can't just put your husband on the backburner, but try making yourself the center of your attention, at least for a little while each day. It might help.

And please, if it is possible, think about maybe speaking with a professional, but do it for you. The rest will fall into place.
Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Gray

indysteel

02-23-2009, 07:22 AM

While I think it's perfectly normal for a longterm relationship to ebb and flow, I don't think your thoughts about driving into pylons are. I agree that you should talk to a professional. Pronto.

I found my therapist through a friend. Do you know anyone who sees a counselor or social worker? If you don't, then check to see if your insurance company--if you have insurance--has a preferred provider. Make sure in making the appointment that you make it clear that you're having some dark thoughts. The therapist will likely try to get you in sooner rather than later.

I've had several bouts of depression. They're downright scary. Right now, I think you should remember that depression colors EVERYTHING. It could be that your marriage is contributing to the depression, but I would stop short of placing too much blame on it until your head is a little clearer. I do think, however, that you should try to be honest with him that you've been down and that you need to get some help.

Like Oakleaf, I think you need to be healthy on your own before you can really address what, if anything, is ailing your relationship. Hopefully, your DH will be open to the process that therapy entails.

Hugs and good luck to you.

Irulan

02-23-2009, 07:24 AM

You are not alone. :( But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me :( but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

I really wish we had a "I'm with stupid" :D:D:D:D emoticon. This is very good advice.

My story shares some parallels with Oakleaf, although for me ( us) marriage counseling was a huge success.

Sounds to me like you guys are way beyond needing to schedule a date night, and some sort of professional support is needed to facilitate communication and getting beyond the symptoms here. Depressive issues and lack of communication can have a huge dynamic on a marriage relationship.

Me? Married 25+ years. We've been through depressions, substance abuse, emotional withdrawal and more. A good marriage counselor ( and some individual counseling) gave us the tools to rebuild, and I know have the marriage I could have only dreamed of 10-15 years ago.

It's pretty much a fact that if one divorces before they deal with the underlying issues/factors/emotional baggage, they are pretty doomed to get into similar situations.

Irulan.

Good luck.

salsabike

02-23-2009, 07:59 AM

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

Irulan

02-23-2009, 08:03 AM

katluvr

02-23-2009, 11:12 AM

I guess I can say "ditto" to most here.
I am not sure who talked about the "mid winter blues". I think "I" am also feeling that. But I call it the "rut". When work and routine take hold. Me and my partner are doing less "riding" and "goofing" off on weekends. We are working --and not in love w/ our jobs -- and not doing much else. So what is there to talk about? It is just work, come home, work out, fix dinner, watch TV, sleep and repeat. I know a weekend ago when we got out of town for a charity run, we had the best time. We did nothing special...but we did not "snap" at each other the entire time. That even includes driving, getting lost AND getting up at "before the crack of dawn" to be at the race way earlier that I wanted to get there. Since we got back home, kinda back in the rut. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard when you get to the 10+ year mark. Talk about "routine" setting in.
So "ditto" this is normal.
But "ditto" don't let too much of this worry you.
BUT "ditto" don't ignore it. I am using it as my "wake up call" to be sure the routine or rut does not turn into a big divide that can't be fixed.
I need to re-read all these posts to make sure I use the useful advise myself.
Good luck!:)

lph

02-23-2009, 12:35 PM

GraysonKelly had a great point about writing out stuff that has happened to you or you've had to deal with, and imagining someone else going through the same stuff. Imagining what you would say to, or how you would help a friend in your situation, can be a great way of gaining some perspective when you feel bogged down and hopeless.

Hang in there!

tulip

02-23-2009, 01:45 PM

Writing things down in a journal really help me clarify things. I wish I had started writing earlier, and I wish I were more consistent now. Thanks for the reminder, Grayson and lph.

Duck on Wheels

02-23-2009, 02:33 PM

Many wise words have been sent already. I agree with them. After 34 years of marriage, it hasn't been all roses. There were few months once we weren't even on speaking terms, until I decided I had to brave it and start us talking again. Talking is scary when the person you need to open up to, even potentially argue with, is a person you don't want to risk estranging. But if you don't talk, then estrangement is almost inevitable. And avoiding that is worthwhile. Even after 34 years and several crises, there are still times -- a quick joke, a comment that goes right to the heart of some news issue, a glimpse of his *ss in bike shorts -- when I feel like I've just fallen in love with him all over again. So I "second" all those who've recommended that you make the effort!

But remember too that your partner is not your therapist, even if s/he may be one professionally. So those thoughts about wrecking your car ...? Expect some loving support from your husband, but use that support as a boost to seek professional help. I've been there too. I asked friends if they knew of someone, got a good suggestion from a couple of them, and got an appointment. She helped me see the world through new perspectives. She even taught me some handy self-hypnosis techniques for dealing with pain (I occasionally get mega-tough stomach cramps from Crohns). She didn't prescribe any anti-depressives, and later they've been found to sometimes have negative effects. If you have a good therapist and s/he prescribes them then be glad they're available, but call the therapist immediately if you feel new suicidal urges!

Mr. Bloom

02-23-2009, 03:10 PM

Silver and I have been married nearly 23 years and have been together for nearly 26... There have been some really tough times...but we're still here:D

Are the feelings of unhappiness with a marriage normal after this many years?

Yep...unfortunately, the marriage often catches the rap for something else...but you're aware of this.

When you hit a certain point in life do you think about what you should've/could've done? Is this an early mid-life crisis?

Yep, but satisfaction is a choice that only you can make. I guarantee that if you take inventory of your life, your blessings exceed your challenges....and if you really focus, I'm guessing that 80% of your marriage is fine...but you're focused on the 20% (normal human tendency...example: take a plain white piece of paper, draw a dot in the middle, and ask 10 friends what they see...most will say the "the small dot"...not the big white piece of paper that's without blemish...hokey, but true...;)) YOU choose what you focus on...

Do you think I need to talk to a professional, and if so- how do you go about finding one?

Yes, Yes, Yes! No matter what encouragement you get, if you're depressed, that needs treatment. Couples counseling may not be bad either...but Mimi's idea may be a good first step. LOVE IS A DECISION...and MARRIAGE TAKES WORK. We've done counseling and are still doing it...even when things are great.

I feel kinda alone...

(((((TG)))))) You're not... Plus, you are SO FAR ahead of the curve to sense that there are issues...this means you have something to work with. Hang in there.;)

I will bring up something this week to him: asking him if he's happy or not, but I don't even know how to approach the subject. I don't want to say I'm unhappy and hurt him, because once you say something you can't take it back.

I encourage you to sort out your feelings first...particularly if you don't know why you feel this way and/or how to raise the topic with him

Miranda

02-23-2009, 04:16 PM

Well, let's see... my shrink of years past put it to me like this...

"...everyone deserves therapy... it helps you sort out your problems faster, and in turn feel better sooner... who would really want to feel bad any longer than they had to?".

Like posted, if you don't like one shrink, try another one. The lady I saw last was also a cyclist... she would work out her problems, and mine (along with other clients), on her rides sometimes (it was kinda like she was meant for me).

Some of these ways to find a shrink have been mentioned, but here's my ideas...
1) call work insurance, do you have mental health coverage
2) if no insurance, does your employer offer an EAP plan (employee assistance plan), usually free mental health help regardless of regular benefit status
3) sliding scale mental health clinics
4) colleges/universities psych study departments will have students studying to be shrinks that need patients... their cases are overseen by a real shrink/teacher... and is totally confidential... free last I knew
5) church clergy (even if you don't belong/attend regularly, they are typically willing to help... or guide you to someone that can)
6) ask your medical doctor

OK, on the thoughts of killing yourself. Well, the shrink said that it's not so much we want to end life... but are "stuck" and know no other way out. She herself as a professional even had these thoughts before.

My resolve was always one of two things...
1) if you have any belief in some type of after-life, or the concept of Hell, then I figured killing myself would do nothing but eternalize the BS I was already living... which t'aint no better... sooo, might as well stick it out with some chance of hope
2) journal/list those people and things that your life touches... who would it affect if you were gone... who would miss you? You would really really really be surprised if you thought about it, how long that list can be. Would even people here on TE who you have never met in real life wonder, Hmmm... where's that Tri Girl chick been lately? ...haven't seen any posts from her in a while??? You betcha baby;).

Lastly... my endorphine happy rush from pedaling is the best RX ever... it makes me become a "glass half full" person, from a "glass half empty" person--FWIW.

(((hugs)))
Miranda

BleeckerSt_Girl

02-23-2009, 04:35 PM

The more a couple avoids talking together and doing things together (can be anything, really), the worse it gets. And TV can be a deadly communication killer.
Couple's counseling sounds like a good idea here. If not that, then individual counseling at least.

Tri Girl

02-23-2009, 07:02 PM

I'm sitting here in tears because I feel all the love... so much of it. I thank you all so much for all your stories and pieces of advice. Tonight I feel much better about things. Tomorrow may be another story. I will seek professional help for sure. A good friend's parents are therapists and I will ask them for recommendations. After re-reading my post, I think I may have been a little dramatic about the highway pylon thing. I don't think I'm suicidal (just wandering thoughts, albeit very morbid and unhealthy ones).
I just feel empty inside and don't know why... it's very scary to me.

After reading what you all wrote, I know that I love my husband very much and would really hate life without him. I just need to learn how to be the free spirit/nomad that I am while being married to the safe/security-minded person he is. He's a good man, I think it's just a bump (from reading what you all have said about ups and downs). Many of you have said that sadness/depression can make even the smallest problems seem like a mountainous one. I think that may be the problem. I'm not remembering all the good things, just the little ones that I'm amplifying. Yes, my job is definitely a HUGE stressor this year. It's making my life miserable, but it will pass. I just need to learn how to cope better with things.

I'm going to call some counselors tomorrow. He worked late so we won't talk tonight, but I'll sit down with him tomorrow night and tell him that I'm sad and I need help. Maybe it'll make him feel better, too. Someone said that maybe he feels empty and lost, too. We're both just terrible communicators, so discussions about real heavy things are uncomfortable at best, but in this case are very needed.

Thank you all again, from the very bottom of my heart. I have 5 sisters and 2 mothers, but I don't talk to any of them. It helps to have sisters (and a brother) here on the web. I appreciate you all more than you can ever know. Thank you for being my support system. You've helped set me in the right direction and let me know I'm not alone. :) Hugs! You have really helped me and I am grateful. Thank you.

Irulan

02-23-2009, 07:27 PM

hugs back at ya. I don't get verklempt here at TE too much but that did it for me.;)

Mr. Bloom

02-24-2009, 01:45 AM

:D:D:D
Hmmm...free spirit wife/security minded husband...terrible communicators...WOW! that sounds like us;) But, through counseling we've learned to balance and overcome:cool:

I commend you for sensing the need and having the courage to seek help(((((TB)))))

alpinerabbit

02-24-2009, 04:00 AM

Just one thing I want to add is something I read somewhere: high volume endurance athletes are candidates for depression, and training and competing is used to mask the lows. (well the depression trait is probably first).

So you tough iron chick are probably a good candidate for that. Winter funk, boink, down you go.

Take care of yourself and your best friend. (I hope that's what he is to you, at least)

twin

02-24-2009, 07:55 AM

Tri Girl,
I can not speak to the long years of marriage I hope you are doing better and are seeking someone to talk with. I hope you figure out what you need and what the two of you need. Surely someone will have an opening somewhere so that you can change your job. I understand you would like to commute by bike and that would maybe make you feel better and more free. If you need anything or someone to talk to I will PM info. for you.

bouncybouncy

02-24-2009, 08:26 AM

Wow...us too! (free spirit wife/security minded husband...but so many other opposites that we constantly work on to merge...a planner/spontaneous...opposites attract is an understatement in our relationship!!!

I had that "I am sad" conversation not too long ago...I just want to say that it was very important that he understood it was NOT him causing my sadness. It was within me and I needed to work it out. I wanted him to go along the journey with me...we have the same communication issues but have forced ourselves to work through it. In one way it was to not make every conversation a looong, deep one...some of our very important conversations are quick, on-liners to let the other know we are aware of our behavior...bad or good. I hope that makes sense...

Irulan

02-24-2009, 08:35 AM

One thing that we got out of marriage counseling was training in how to better communicate. This will sound crazy, but we actually had a script from our counselor, and we were to only use this script for certain issues. What is was, really,was active listening training but we didn't know it at the time. It certainly did help us learn to communicate much more effectively, and adressed the core issues that most men and women seem to have with communication.

eclectic

02-24-2009, 10:55 AM

Tri-girl I typed this before I read your most recent post but I decided to send it anyway. Please don't think you were overly dramatic when you made the pylon reference at the time it can be too real.

Your post has been haunting me since I read it. Not so much on the marriage issue - That is normal rubberbanding and will ebb and flow - but the part about just wanting to drive into the pylons.

My sister has attempted suicide and luckily was intercepted and put into treatment. She described the feelings of wanting to end it and they were real - All her levels had dropped so low she said she felt like she was drowning and just struggling to stay afloat, gasping for air.

She said the same thing - just open the door of the car and step out while her husband was driving, just swerve into the barriers . . . neither of those were her method of choice but they were the beginning of the thoughts.

I am telling her story to contrast w/ mine. When my significant other died last year I wanted to die to. But the difference was, I didn't think of committing any act to do myself in. I just wanted to be w/ him and didn't see a purpose to my life anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died. Also I was no longer afraid of death and if it happened would have welcomed it. BUT at no time did I ever think any ways I could die.

So the conclusion of this scenario, I was able to work through my feelings w/ grief therapy, my sister needed therapy and medication. Luckily she finally found a Dr. who diagnosed her correctly - she is bipolar and now on the correct meds. She was being treated for depression and was on the wrong meds. It took until she was 52 to finally be diagnosed correctly.

I am glad to hear you are planning on getting help - Run, don't walk to your nearest mental health center. And definately, as was advised, tell them about your thoughts.

Please don't let a semi-good clear thought day prevent you from getting the help you are needing, it is too easy to fall into "I am doing ok today I guess I don't need any help" Often when the next bout hits it is worse.

Good luck and please keep us informed - we care about you

Tri Girl

02-24-2009, 01:54 PM

Thanks, everyone.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist today. She came highly recommended from a friend who works with her. Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then. I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain. ;)
Thanks again for all your thoughts.
Eclectic, the story of your sister made me so sad, but I'm glad that she finally is diagnosed correctly and feeling much better. And I don't know what you went through last year (I mean- I know that your SO passed away, but I can't empathize with you), and I'm glad that you had help to see you through that terribly sad and devastating part of your life (which I'm sure you're still not entirely through with).
I know my situation isn't anything huge. My teaching partner's son is slowly dying of a brain tumor that can't be operated on or treated with anymore chemo. SHE has it rough. My good friend is leaving her husband this week with her two young daughters. SHE has it rough. I know we all have our cross to bear, I just try to remember that my problems aren't that bad (but I guess if they're the worst problems I'm facing then they're that bad).

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Thank you all so very much!!!

Wahine

02-24-2009, 02:24 PM

I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I don't feel like I have anything useful to add right now but I would just reiterate the importance of communication and the need to take care of yourself. The step you've taken towards couseling is a good one. ((((((Hugs))))))

michelem

02-24-2009, 03:37 PM

Normal, yes. But, does this mean your marriage is doomed? NO!

Not sure if you believe in God, but my husband and I found the movie Fireproof to be very inspirational to our marriage (I think it's out on dvd now). I also bought the book from the movie, "The Love Dare." It includes 40 days of things to do to improve your marriage. I think you're supposed to do one thing per day, but some of them are quite challenging to me and I've gotten stuck on them for more like a week (like not complaining or being negative)! It's really helping our relationship though.

Anyway, just some ideas for you . . .

I'm glad you've decided to get some help for yourself. Depression stinks. :(

Mr. Bloom

02-24-2009, 04:02 PM

Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then

Resolve to hang in there no matter what

BUT, please promise that if you get any persistent urge to do something impulsive, please, please, please go to the ER for immediate assistance.

AND, keep the appointment even if you're feeling better by then.;)

You've got a group of us rallied around you now with warm, understanding thoughts:cool: You're not alone (even in an electronic world) :)

Tri Girl

02-24-2009, 05:04 PM

I told DH I was going to see a dr. He was very supportive. He said that if I felt that sad and needed to do it, then it's something I should do. I told him I was feeling very sad lately and that I was worried that we weren't OK. He said that we are a LONG way from the big D and that we're good. He's a man of few words, so that was actually saying A LOT. I feel better. Talking about feelings is VERY hard for me (unless it's a stranger and then it's very easy), so my even saying anything is huge. It'll all be OK.

Thanks again, guys and gals. :)

teigyr

02-24-2009, 05:08 PM

Yay.

I am so glad you are getting help and that you told your husband. Sometimes fear is worse if you don't confront it and I am so very happy that he is supportive. Things build, especially if you just let them fester in your mind. Fester's an icky word, sorry.

I think you're brave but that goes right along with everything else you've accomplished. (((hugs)))

Wahine

02-24-2009, 08:08 PM

more hugs from me.

OakLeaf

02-25-2009, 02:47 AM

So glad you're taking steps and that you've been able to talk with your DH. Take good care.

Duck on Wheels

02-25-2009, 02:57 AM

Well done, Tri! Worst fears confronted and the monster wasn't hiding under the bed. Tell DH that an extra hug or two per day will help keep the monsters away until your appointment ... and after for that matter. In fact, you may both become addicted to them. :p

SheFly

02-25-2009, 03:50 AM

Ditto what others have said - very glad that you have made the appointment (and if only crazy people see "shrinks" then I think there are a lot of crazy people on this forum!). PLEASE, PLEASE keep this appointment, even if you are feeling better by then - it something very important for YOU.

Also glad that you have talked to DH, and that he has assuaged your fears about "the big D". Don't let it be the end, though.

We're all here for you! Keep us posted. You are doing all the right things.

Hugs,
SheFly

bouncybouncy

02-25-2009, 03:58 AM

I told DH I was going to see a dr. He was very supportive. He said that if I felt that sad and needed to do it, then it's something I should do. I told him I was feeling very sad lately and that I was worried that we weren't OK. He said that we are a LONG way from the big D and that we're good.

That almost brought me to tears...sounds like a conversation I had with my hubby not too long ago! I proceeded to see someone and opening lines of communication with hubby little by little (baby steps!!!) and we are in such great place now...and it has only been a couple months!

Keep that appointment!!! And make a few more...one is never enough! Keep those conversations going with your hubby...regardless how "few" words there are! you are on the right path now so keep moving...

:D

tulip

02-25-2009, 04:02 AM

TriGirl, you've taken a very courageous and difficult first step; I know how hard that was for you. Take care and keep going in that direction.

eclectic

02-25-2009, 05:41 AM

(((((((big hug))))))) for a strong brave woman

I am so glad you made the appointment this quickly - and I got a warm, good all over feeling when I read the post about you talking to your husband.

re crazy people see shrinks - Shrinks are medical doctors trained to treat disorders of the brain. If your thyroid quit working you would go to an internist and get medicine, if your pancreas quit working you would go on insulin. The brain and it's chemical levels are no different.

Re other people's problems - I am sorry to hear about your team teachers son :( I am sure that is having an effect on you too. And maybe the fact your good friend leaving her husband had a bearing on your marriage feelings (just a guess)

I was glad to hear you say "but I guess if they're the worst problems I'm facing then they're that bad" Truer words were never spoken

another ((((((((big hug))))))))

When you can't hold yourself up - let others carry you - You have many friends here on TE

salsabike

02-25-2009, 06:10 AM

Irulan

02-25-2009, 07:34 AM

Conversations like these are how the supposed stigma of getting help for mental issues is erased. It's educating people that yes - it's just another possible illness or situation that can be helped with proper treatment.

That's why I am not shy about talking about my mental health. Well, I don't broadcast it from building rooftops, but I don't hide it either.

I blew up at a gal once. She came to me and was gossiping about a mutual acquaintance: do you know she's on anti-depressants and all that? OHMYGOD!!
I reamed her out. I said, do you know I take anti-depressants and will for the rest of my life? ( she didn't) If she were taking cardiac medication, would you talk about her like that? S

Now, I'm not trying to imply that OP will need medication or anything else, just try to explain that there are various shades of treatment that will help mental issues, and it's nothing to hide. As usual, I feel as eloquent as a bull in a china shop....

crazycanuck

02-25-2009, 03:09 PM

OakLeaf

02-25-2009, 03:16 PM

CC, "therapy" means something in the orthopaedic world too, and the analogy is pretty close.

Some people do need orthopaedic surgery. Some people do need psychiatric meds. (At this point I believe I'm one of them.)

Many people need physical therapy but either they or their doctor doesn't want to do the work, so they get surgery instead. Many people need talk therapy but either they or their doctor doesn't want to do the work (or their insurance will cover drugs but not therapy), so they get meds instead.

Just as physical therapy rearranges the physical structures of the bones and soft tissues, talk therapy rearranges the physical structures of the brain. (Yes, it's been proved.)

'Kay?

solobiker

02-25-2009, 03:43 PM

Hang in there, you are a very strong person. When I read your 1st post it sounded very much like me. I have been married for close to 13 years and was just recently trying to dig myself out of the biggest rut that life had to offer me. Please hang in there, it takes a lot of courage to seek assistance so you have my highest respect. It will get better.

solobiker

02-25-2009, 03:48 PM

Honey, if only crazy people see shrinks, then the human race is crazy (which we are, a bit, just by nature). Believe me, you have lots of quite sane company out here.

You will get through this. And good for you for taking action.

I have to add that I agree with this. There are a lot of people that ask for assistance. It is sometimes good to talk with people that are not close to your situation to give you a different perspective and to give you the tools you need.

Irulan

02-25-2009, 07:54 PM

I have to admit I'd be too afraid to go & see a psychologist or other metal health person. I don't like the word or even the image of "therapy'. I guess because it's an overused term in the world?
In terms of medication, if i required it for a mental health issue, ok.

Now before you jump on me, my dad has been dealing with PTSD for about 10yrs now. If it wasn't for anti depressants, very good friends & a great dr, he wouldn;t be here right now. He's decreased some of the meds but as soon as he notices a certain trigger feeling, he'll increase it a bit.

I'm in a rush & will have to describe this a bit better later on.

I think you read my post all wrong. Or maybe I'm not articulating properly.

I have been taking meds for 10 years and will do it lifelong and I am very sensitive about the stigma thing because I think it indicates ignorance about mental health issues.

I jumped all over this gal because of the tone of the gossip "so and so is doing this, can you believe it?" It was the tone and attitude she had, she was saying it like she was gossiping about a neighbor cheating on a spouse, done in whispers and dramatics. She said it like something was wrong with this other person because she takes medication, and that is what pissed me off. What really pissed me of is 1. was none of her business. 2. So what. 3. I already knew 4. gossiping like that is lame, negative and unproductive.

crazycanuck

02-25-2009, 09:28 PM

I'll keep my mouth shut from now on in regards to mental health issues as I know where i stand in the world. Irulan-I understood what you meant & have never said anything bad against anyone else taking meds!!!

Tri Girl-sorry to have hijacked your thread. I do hope everything works out for you. I realize you've been under stress at work & just haven't been there to really understand how you feel. Take care & yes, if you require immediate help, do not stop, just go & find it!!!

Irulan

02-26-2009, 07:00 AM

Tri Girl-sorry to have hijacked your thread. I do hope everything works out for you. I realize you've been under stress at work & just haven't been there to really understand how you feel. Take care & yes, if you require immediate help, do not stop, just go & find it!!!

yep same here, oops sorry!!

BleeckerSt_Girl

02-26-2009, 07:40 AM

There does indeed seem to be a general social stigma attached to the terms "therapy", "Psychiatrist", "mental health", "shrink", etc. It's unfortunate, but there it is. For anyone who gets uncomfortable when they use these terms to the point of hesitating to get help because of it, I think if you substitute the word "counseling", it might not trigger inner uncomfortable associations as much. :)

Serendipity

02-26-2009, 08:49 AM

Thanks, everyone.
I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain. ;)

Tri-Girl, I think the most important thing in what you have said is that you are doing a good thing for yourself....so true! Please don't let any stigma prevent you from getting help that will make your life better.

In 2000/2001, I went through a very difficult time; over the course of a year and a half, my mother, my (estranged) husband and my brother died, each after rather long illnesses. My GP referred me to a grief counselor - I can tell you that was the best thing I ever did for me. This was an opprtunity to talk with a professional about my feelings (anger, guilt, among others) and understand that those feelings weren't unusual, nor did they make me a bad person. There were just a couple of things that she said to me that were eureka moments. I can't tell you what a burden was lifted.

The second part of my experience is that I made no secret of the fact that I was going to counselling - didn't talk about it all the time, but didn't deny it. As a result, a number of people actually talked to me about the fact that they had gone for counselling at some point. You might be amazed at the people who have sought help in this way - but it is often a stigma, as you say, or something that is kept a secret.

Also wanted to mention that ups and downs are normal in a relationshp - marriage or otherwise. I have since remarried - we've been together for almost seven years - and I there are days when my DH is fed up/annoyed with me :( ... and some days when I am the same with him. But we can move on from that.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded, but hope this helps in some way.

ACG

02-26-2009, 12:32 PM

Therapy is an excellent idea and congratulations for taking charge of your life.
I was married 25 years. I am now divorced. All relationships have ups/downs.

Therapy helped me see the distructiveness of the relationship. Even though I don't ever talk to my ex, I think we are both very happy where we are now.

Good luck, lots of hugs!

Tri Girl

02-26-2009, 04:00 PM

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded, but hope this helps in some way.

It does. Thank you. :)

Brandi

02-28-2009, 07:34 AM

It is interesting we all seem to have similar lives yet very different. i have been with Dh for going on 22 years. and sometimes I really can't wait for him to have to go on a job without me. And we are with eachother 24-7. We also work together and own a business together. We have had times that were very rocky. Maybe more then other's since we are around eachother so much. But like what everyone else has said it does pass. And I can not imagine my life without him, even though there are times I do. They are much less then then wanting him with me. And when he does have to go on a job by himself, when he is getting ready to leave a feel a real sence of loss and saddness. Then I get over it and eat what I want, and watch what I want on tv, and go to bed when I want. Then after a few days I am ready to have him back. Hey maybe you should take a little vacation with a friend or by yourself. Maybe the seperation would make your heart (and his) grow fonder. My dh has to be reminded that I need him to want me. Guys (and girls) can take eachother for granted a lot and then we become resentful.
I don't think I have said anything different here then anyone else. But I hope it helps some.
And yes I have thought of driving off that cliff too. But I am gald that is all it is a thought.