Had a revelation today... (LONG)

[ASammy1]

... and since I can't blog about it at work, I thought this would be the perfect outlet so I can transfer it later. Thanks for reading, listening, and allowing me to vent...

I have an eating disorder (bingeing) that stemmed from an addiction transfer from alcohol in my late teens and early 20s.

Once I had kicked the alcohol issues, food decided to take a stand. As a person of Irish decent, I suppose I am predisposed to enjoy cocktails. I have always been a partygirl. And despite telling myself- no don’t be a partygirl, it is just a part of me.

That said, I successfully went through the majority of my life induldging too much, paying the price and then repenting. But I found that the more my overall health and alcohol issues were under control, the more I thought about having that piece of cake (or entire cake). I constantly made dates to meet friends for brunch, hot dogs during the game, countless appetizers for happy hour and of course my personal fave- pizza. Something that smacks of celebration, so having it seemed mandatory as much as possible. Sound familiar? All of the activities I loved when I was drinking too much, I still loved, but substituted alcohol with food!

I am not proud of this, but I am open about it b/c I feel it is a very real issue. If you have an addiction you have to work very hard to solve the root problem and in the future if addiction transfer becomes an issue you have to work really hard to find the root again. Right now I am working on that. I am much better off than ever before in my life. But I still put others before myself and that is not always the best for my health and safety.

I am worth it.

[tulip]

Awesome post, Andrea. That takes alot of courage to talk freely of shortcomings and issues.

I'm certainly not there yet, but coming along nicely in the past few years. I don't have food or alcohol addictions, but I struggle with self-confidence all the time. Seeing a therapist has really helped, and I'm getting better. Getting a dog helped, too, because if I'm confident, he's confident (and therefore he doesn't cower or snarl).

I wish you the best on your continuing journey. Thanks for sharing. You are worth it!

[ASammy1]

Awesome post, Andrea. That takes alot of courage to talk freely of shortcomings and issues.



It's funny that you mention courage when talking freely about my issues, because I don't really feel that it's very courageous at all. I mean, even though I'm putting my issues "out there" on the internet for all to ooh and ahh at, it still very anonymous. I don't personally know anyone on this board, so I still feel very incognito. My family and friends don't know what is going on, but I suspect they know something isn't quite right...

Anyway, starting a blog has really helped me. It keeps me accountable for my actions. I don't have too many people (that may be an overstatement) that read it, but just getting my feelings out in a public way keeps me honest with myself.

Thank you for your kind words!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Good for you, Andrea. :)

[Tuckervill]

Yes, you are SO worth it!

Karen

[ASammy1]

Thanks everyone! I made a vision board last night. Do you know what that is? If you read "The Secret," a vision board is just a posterboard w/ cutouts of pictures, words, and phrases of what you want your life to be like. It's completely new age and I'm not sure if I believe in all of that, but my mom used some crazy psycho babble stuff on me as a kid and it totally worked. If I was having a problem w/ something, she would sit me down and make me repeat, "I am Andrea, and I can do it!" until I believed it and you know what, the next day (or soon thereafter) I could do it. My vision board is I guess a hybrid of what my mom did and what "The Secret" advises that you do.

I'll keep you guys posted!

[tulip]

Cool. Motivational coaches (and dog trainers for that matter) talk about the importance of visualizing what you want, so a vision board makes sense. I don't know much about it, but it seems like the process of making it is more important than having it. I mean a ready-made vision board wouldn't be very useful would it? The power is in the thinking about things and making it.

Oh, I wish my mom had made me say, "I am Tulip and I can do it!" It's taken me 40 years to get to that point. Keep us posted on how it works. You might even inspire some of us to follow suit.

[ASammy1]

OMG! I seriously think the Vision Board is working already and maybe too well!

I have pictures of palm trees on my vision board and DBF (soon to be officially fiance) found out this morning that he is in the running for a job transfer to Hawaii. I was just hoping for a sunny, tropical vacation!

[Crankin]

You are already ahead of the game with your awareness and motivation. Please see a therapist. I am not trying to tout my new profession, but I think you already know how hard it is to deal with addictions, especially since you understand how you substituted one for another. And in general, our society doesn't deal well with eating disorders on any end of the spectrum, so we all get mixed messages.
Good luck.

[ASammy1]

Hey Crankin,

You are absolutely right about seeing a therapist. I did actually start to see one, but she seemed more interested in taking my $$ than helping me. I am shopping around to find one that is a good fit for me.

Thanks!

[Crankin]

Keep looking! My experience is that a Licensed Social Worker or Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has a private practice may tend to be more down to earth than PhD shrinks.
Just my personal experience and opinion.

[tulip]

A therapist helped me a whole lot over the last few years. She is a LCSW. Sammy, she's in DC and that's a little far for you, but if she was closer I'd give you her name. Really helped me alot.

[indysteel]

I had good luck with an LCSW, too. I can't tell you how much it's changed my life.

It's hard work for sure and really only works if you commit to being honest with your therapist, which means being honest with yourself of course. That can mean going to some scary, embarrassing, sad, lonely places. It's so worth it though.

About two years into therapy, I had a weekend getaway with some college friends. One of them shared with us that she felt "hopeless." As she was talking, I realized with a certain degree of surprise that I SO didn't feel the same way. I once had, but not anymore. Nothing outward in my life had really changed all that much, but my sense of control and empowerment radically had. It was quite the ah ha moment.

[ASammy1]

Thanks tulip, crankin, and indysteel for your support. I thought you would all like to know that I have an appt with a LCSW next week :o

[tulip]

Whoo-hoo! I was really nervous before my first appointment, but a friend told me to just be honest and say why I'm there. I got that out right at the beginning, and it was fine from then on out. Great job!

[ASammy1]

I'm starting to get nervous about my appt. It's one thing to go on the internet anonymously and admit your issues, but it's a whole new ball game to sit in front of a perfect stranger and tell them how screwed up you are :o

On a positive note, my creative juices are flowing today and I plan on hitting up Michael's today for some new photography backgrounds.

[Crankin]

Just be yourself. And be open to discussing things that you might have never thought about as being significant.

[ASammy1]

Ok, thanks for the words of encouragement! I go at 4 o'clock today and now am just sitting here fidgeting...

[tulip]

I hope it went well, Sammy. You do NOT have to post about it here...it's out of our hands now and it's between you and your counselor. You did a good thing by going. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a courageous step.

[ASammy1]

Thanks Tulip.

So basically it was a disaster. I walked in to the office and the LCSW took one look at me and said, "You don't look disadvantaged. I specialize in helping the disadvantaged." So I said to her, "Well, why did your staff schedule the appointment for me when I very clearly explained the reason(s) I need to talk to someone." :confused:

So I guess it's back to square one...

I also just found out that DBF has an interview for a job in Hawaii. I can go w/ him, but I would have to give up my career, or I can stay here for my career and give him up. Obviously right now it's just an interview, but all these crazy situations are running through my head... I really want to go, but I'm scared to give up all that I've worked so hard for.

[tulip]

That's terrible (the appointment part, not necessarily the Hawaii part). Sent you a pm.

[polly4711]

Andrea,

We have a lot in common. On a lighter note (I guess) my DBF and I will be going through this who moves where in a few months when I graduate from my Masters and this start up company that he works for may be moving. Please keep me posted on how you are doing!


I need your advice though as someone who has suffered from an ED. I am a resident assistant in a dorm and there is a girl who vomits all the time (see reminants of it in the toilet). The problem is that I dont know who she is (I can't figure if it's one of my residents or not) or if it's someone from another floor. We (staff members) have been on the look out, but it's not helpful.
is there anything that you wish that someone would have said to you or could have helped you more and sooner?

Good luck with everything... you can do it!!!! (my mom made it do it too!)

JP

[letsride89]

i'm praying for you!!!

for what its worth...you are so worth it....

we all are!!!

[ASammy1]

Andrea,

We have a lot in common. On a lighter note (I guess) my DBF and I will be going through this who moves where in a few months when I graduate from my Masters and this start up company that he works for may be moving. Please keep me posted on how you are doing!


I need your advice though as someone who has suffered from an ED. I am a resident assistant in a dorm and there is a girl who vomits all the time (see reminants of it in the toilet). The problem is that I dont know who she is (I can't figure if it's one of my residents or not) or if it's someone from another floor. We (staff members) have been on the look out, but it's not helpful.
is there anything that you wish that someone would have said to you or could have helped you more and sooner?

Good luck with everything... you can do it!!!! (my mom made it do it too!)

JP

To be perfectly honest, it's probably not someone from your floor. In my experience, those with EDs try to hide it as much as possible and vomitting on one's own floor would be too obvious. Look for the girl with cuts on her knuckles (from sticking her fingers down her throat). Her teeth may be chipped because the acids in vomit weaken tooth enamel. Ask around. Her friends are probably worried about her too if they aren't doing it themselves. If you ask a girl if she's feeling ok or if she looks tired and she gets all defensive, CLUE! There is nothing anyone could have said to me other than a flat out intervention.

Good luck and keep me posted!

[ASammy1]

i'm praying for you!!!

for what its worth...you are so worth it....

we all are!!!

Thank you! I need the prayers right now...

[polly4711]

Thanks Andrea... I'll be on the look out!!!! Good luck with yourself... know that you are beautiful!