how to deal with DH... [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

View Full Version : how to deal with DH...

bouncybouncy

01-23-2009, 06:23 AM

maillotpois

01-23-2009, 06:39 AM

Those classes sound like what I've been doing the past 4 weeks (and have committed to for a year :eek: ) and man, they probably would be just the right thing to get you moving motivationally. (I'm lucky enough that mine were DH's idea to get me off my butt and back to my old cycling self. It's paid off in that now we can ride together. :) )

The financial issue is a big one, and was my major stumbling block to doing the classes. I have to say, though, at least for me, once I have made that financial commitment I am really going to push myself to make the most of it: go to the class when I'd rather not, really push myself once I am there. Is there some angle of that you might use to plead your case in this?

Is there some item you could cut out of your budget to make up for some or part of the cost of the class? (Lunches out, coffee out for "X" days, etc.?)

Good luck!

alpinerabbit

01-23-2009, 06:52 AM

Is it his money?

indigoiis

01-23-2009, 06:56 AM

Is there another, less costly alternative you maybe haven't thought of, yet?

Can you ask him why, specifically the cost of the class is an issue? Maybe he is worried about his job, or recently took a hit on his 401K. I know that my family has been a LOT tighter with money these days.

What is your back up plan if you find you cannot take the class? You seem pretty determined to take the class - and I know what that is like because I get something in my head and when it is already decided I get very cranky about thinking of alternatives. But at the same time, if your husband's concerns about finances are valid, then wouldn't it be a wise decision to "freeze" special expenses like classes and luxuries, at least for a little bit? Can you put it off? Can you do in-home training on your trainer with similar effect? Can you invite some like-minded friends over for a couple of nights a week for training in your house?

Just trying to think of some creative alternatives... I know it is hard to suffer from depression and I also know how ultra-focused one can be when one thinks there is only one way out of it. But often in the intense focus of "the cure", we miss the subtle things that might help us even more. For example, have you considered that your husband's reaction might in fact be a reaction about your whole last few months? Could he be feeling left out of the process? Could he be feeling hurt because you want to spend money on a class instead of relying on him to help you get out of your blues? I know that my husband would very much like the world to consist of only immediate family - he wishes we could live in a cave. External influencers, including positive ones (like this board) make him suspicious. Like, a bit of a threat. Could your husband be seeing this "one and only" solution as a threat?

ttaylor508

01-23-2009, 07:02 AM

Does your DH ride or do spinning classes? It might not totally be the money that is bothering him. My DH sometimes gets jealous when I get to ride without him during the day, but my justification is that I am training so I can keep up with him when we do ride together (which is true).

If it is just the money that is bothering him, tell him it is an early birthday present to yourself! You deserve it ;)

indysteel

01-23-2009, 07:07 AM

First of all I do NOT want this to sound like I am hubby-hatin'...I just need to get some fresh ideas on what to say to convince hubby I am trying to move forward motivationally speaking.

I recently went on an 860+ mile cycling trip (Astoria, OR to SanFran, CA) and had a blast, but when I got home I had a horrible case of the blues. It did not help that shortly afterwards my in-laws came for a 3 week visit where my FIL spend hours (into the late night) hammering away in the basement. ***don't get me wrong...I appreciate his hard work helping us finish our basement, but when I have to get up early the next morning to go to work I do not want the hammer pounding till 1 or 2 am ! :(

Then the holidays hit and I was still in a funk!!! I managed to drag out some festive decor and ended up having a pleasant time thankfully! Unfortunately I spent several months sleeping a ton, crying for silly things, and just basically being depressed. I have taken steps to pull myself up and move forward but my hubby is resisting one thing I really want to do...

I want to take a few classes (ultra concentrated spinning classes on your own bike on a trainer while hooked up to meters and such...viewing a screen with the other cyclist in class...a virtual race) I have taken a couple classes last year and think it will kick start me into next season!

Well, hubby is arguing the cost...I personally can justify the $200 for reasons other than cycling (ego-boost, self-love, just basic happiness) but no matter what I say I can't get past the dollar signs in front of his eyes...

Any ideas on what words to use, phrases that break the $$$'s I will take anything at this point so I can rid the guilt I have! I am taking the classes guilt or not! I need it! I just want to go with a clear conscience!!!

Thanks gals...

***and no hubby hating comments please...he really is a great guy but something about this issue is getting to him! :confused:

Has he actually said "no."

It's hard to answer your question not knowing anything about your finances or how you and your DH approach financial decisions. Do you give one another veto power over expenses? Do you treat a portion of your respective incomes as disposable income that you can spend as you see fit? How much will the $200 eat into money you need for necessities?

IMO, the only thing you can really do is emphasize how much you think the class will help you fight the depression you've been suffering from these last few months. Impart to him that it's serious busines. While a cycling class may seem like a luxury, your mental health and happiness is not. At least that's my take on what you've shared. If it helps, tell him that the class in my area that is similar to what you've described cost $500+ for 8 weeks.

If you're like me, exercise is not a luxury; it's crucial to my mental health. While I try to watch the bottom line of what classes, gym membership and whatnot cost, I'm willing to spend a fair amount on it. I also spend $200 a month to see a therapist, so my mental health expenses do add up. I'm in a serious relationship and while I really want to make most financial decisions jointly should we get married, certain things may prove to be nonnegotiable. I would offer him the same leeway if I thought his health was really at issue.

Finally, it might be worth your time to ask your DH if the money is really what bothers him about the class. Could it be that he's projecting fear or frustration about what you've been going through lately?

Good luck!

Biciclista

01-23-2009, 07:19 AM

to add to the array of very good suggestions;

I am the one in my family that is the cheapskate. Sometimes, to justify a purchase, I will SELL something else. if this is not an option, then what about allowances? i get to spend x dollars a month on whatever i want and so does he.. set your own limits, whatever feels fair.
I know of more than one woman who did not feel like "Their" money was her money to spend. My mother socks away 20 to 50 dollars a month. she has a secret bank account that has about 600 dollars in it. that's HER money to splurge whenever she wants. it's kind of silly, but she's not alone.
another lady i knew in the 1980's, back in the days when we wrote a lot of checks? every check she wrote she'd add 1 dollar to it in her check register. all those 1 dollars added up to money her DH didn't know about. it was HER money.

but imho, the best way to go here is honesty. If all these subterfuges seem silly to you (however well they work for others), you just need to sit the man down and tell him how you feel! if you need a higher power with you, a friend, a minister, a parent, a sibling, by all means enlist someone. but you sound like you have been carrying a significant burden for some time now and you really need to get it out. good luck.

Irulan

01-23-2009, 07:38 AM

Not knowing your situation, or who is in charge of the finances, maybe he feels you can't afford it? Is it so hard to respect that? The economy is not exactly robust right now. In my family, we discuss all expenses, and there's no nagging or attempting to convince someone to spend on something if the other isn't comfortable for some reason.

If you guys keep separate funds, do what you want with your money. If you keep joint funds, add something to your self care mix that doesn't cost $200.

exercise is not a luxury; it's crucial to my mental health.

I don't buy this as an excuse to spend another $200 a month for a exercise class . I have an ongoing depressive disorder that is greatly improved and managed through regular exercise and self care, plus regular medication. That doesn't mean I spend what my husband feels is inappropriate amounts of money to manage it.
There are lots of ways to exercise, get that mental refreshment, that don't cost money. Or, perhaps DH might support spending the money to get better treatment to manage your depression, if what you are doing now isn't working for you.

buddha_bellies

01-23-2009, 07:54 AM

Please let us know how it works out. I hope your blues are temporary and you'll feel better soon.

$200 is a lot of money to spend a month on classes. But like what's already mentioned, your mental health is important. I spend $100/ month on Hot yoga without blink an eye. But I don't buy too many clothes or make-up to save for that. It's all about budgetting.

Has your DH always been cautious with how you guys spend money? If not, it might be something else that's bothering him. Hopefully, you guys can sit down and talk about it. Let him know what's been bothering you without blaming him or the in-laws. It is important that you express how you feel and not blaming anyone. You can only jusify how you feel. Tell him that this class would help you get out of your saddness and go from there.

Maybe he wants to help. Guys wants to "fix" things and find solution. Is the weather out there good enough that maybe the two of you can do some stuff outside (biking, skiing, snowshoeing??)

gingerale

01-23-2009, 08:48 AM

Do you all have the extra $200?? If so, then I would definitely tell him you need it for your mental health. You'll be a better person (emotionally AND physically) and wife because you need that outlet. If you don't have the money for it, then I can understand his worry. That's where you both need to sit down together and work out some kind of financial compromise (sell something you no longer need, cut back on other things to afford the money for this, etc.). Good luck with it all and I hope you two work it out so that you are able to take the classes.

Crankin

01-23-2009, 08:55 AM

If you are working, I don't see why he should complain about the $, unless you as a couple, have made a decision to cut down on spending. I mean, if you can't afford it, you shouldn't spend it, but if it isn't going to affect you buying necessities, then I would have an honest discussion with him and tell him you are going to do it. Maybe you could cut back elsewhere?
A few years ago I signed up for personal training at my gym (700.00 for 3 months). I was working, making good money, high 5 figures. I didn't feel any need to ask for permission, even though we share our money. I wouldn't do it now, though, because even though we can live very nicely on my husband's salary, that is something that I don't have to do, even though it would be beneficial for my mental and physical health. My good friend is working with a trainer now and I really want to, but it's not going to happen.

bouncybouncy

01-23-2009, 09:20 AM

Wow, thanks!!! Lots of good perspectives and "ammo" to go back to hubby with.

The money (in my mind) doesn't seem to be the issue, I think it is "what" it is spent on because I think he is upset I am spending it on something I can do on my own trainer in the spare room...BUT, I don't get the same motivation and/or "high" sorta speak as I do when I go to these classes and really push myself (I lack self-discipline).

He has himself decided not to join the gym and do weights in order to save money but on the other hand would not blink twice at purchasing the fancy-smancy phone that is coming out (iPhone like)...Me? I went with the not-so-fancy-phone with lots of rebates and not so many bells n'whistles cause it doesn't mean that much! **but I did get a new mp3 player too. :o So, not so much the money but where it is going! (he is an uber techy geek!)

I have been to a therapist, he was all for it aside from the expense and I feel I can eliminate that if I had more cycling. I would love to go outside but having a hard time kicking a chest cold and the temp is just too low (missed a fun mtb ride last night in order not to refill my lungs with flem ew!)

So, I think I will readjust a few things spending-wise, reinforce the idea of how good this will be for my mental health, and go to the classes. We do give ourselves an allowance that will almost cover the expenses...so I will budget my little wallet more and hopefully not have to dip into the shared money.

When all is over and I am happy and not trying to sleep in every morning he will not regret me going!

by the way...it is $200 for about 16 classes (rounding out a bit) I am also getting a discount through a team I ride with so that helps too...I can show him the REAL cost compared to MY cost!!! hehe

indysteel

01-23-2009, 10:46 AM

I don't buy this as an excuse to spend another $200 a month for a exercise class . I have an ongoing depressive disorder that is greatly improved and managed through regular exercise and self care, plus regular medication. That doesn't mean I spend what my husband feels is inappropriate amounts of money to manage it.
There are lots of ways to exercise, get that mental refreshment, that don't cost money. Or, perhaps DH might support spending the money to get better treatment to manage your depression, if what you are doing now isn't working for you.

I don't think, nor did I say, that mental health is an excuse to spend money on exercise if you can't afford it. My point is that I don't view the money I spend on exercise as a luxury in the same category as, say, eating out. It's more important to me than that. Yes, I could work out for free, but I, personally, prefer to take classes in a group setting. The social aspect of that helps me just as much as the exercise itself. I generally feel more motivated in a group setting, too. The fact that I have to pay $$ for those classes is acceptable to me--at least until my budget or the economy dictates otherwise. However, that doesn't mean that I have an unlimited budget for exercise. There is a limit to how much I'll spend, and I have cut back on my studio yoga classes for just that reason.

If Bouncy can otherwise afford the class, and she thinks she'll get something from it that she won't get from being on her trainer alone in the basement, then I think she should make that point to her husband. Maybe he'll see her point of view. If he doesn't or if they really can't afford it, then she'll presumably have to come up with a Plan B.

bouncybouncy

01-23-2009, 11:29 AM

I wanted to add something here along the lines of Indy & Irulan's posts...

I work alone 40 hours a week in an basement of my bosses house in a dark room manipulated digital images...time out in the light of day with other people is therapeutic in itself!!! another reason I don't really want to go home and hop on a trainer in my own basement, alone, with no socialization whatsoever.

just a bit of personal insight to keep this discussion light & airy!!! :p

Irulan

01-23-2009, 12:16 PM

That makes more sense now. Me, I hate the class scene: the whole social, blabblab bit that make workout take 45 minutes longer than it needs to while you play along. And I work solitary also.

For me, it's all about doing ANYTHING to get those endorphins to kick in. I don't need the social bit, I need the chemical change. Running upstairs when work gets to me for an hours worth of intervals on the trainer will do the trick, mostly.

You know, if you've got the money and can make it work, go for it. I put a high value on respecting where my spouse is coming from. We don't have the need to negotiate too much - maybe we just operate on a close wavelength, even about money issues. Personally I would feel funny doing what would feel to me like manipulating: putting on the sale, trying to convince or otherwise on an issue he's not comfortable with. For me, I'd just rather find a different solution that we both can live with.
We are both cheapskates, hate to spend money and WE JUST PAID OFF OUR HOUSE.

Biciclista

01-23-2009, 12:29 PM

Irulan
congrats on paying off your house.

BB,
please take that class and get out of the house! and i wish you and your husband peace between you.
it sounds like you put up with a lot and have much need of escaping your basement. do it. and be stronger about your needs.

M

BleeckerSt_Girl

01-23-2009, 12:38 PM

Humans weren't meant to spend their days closed up in dark basements. You might wind up like the blind cave salamander! :eek:
http://www.sites.si.edu/images/exhibits/Caves/images/blind-salamander_jpg.jpg

Mr. Bloom

01-23-2009, 02:07 PM

Bouncy, it sounds like you've sorted out a solution but don't be afraid to dip into "shared money". I'm going to offer the husband's perspective (and yes, I've been where he is and Silver's been where you are...and I was wrong (not always;)) but my perspective was narrow at best)

I like the feedback that you got from Indysteel and Biciclista.

Since I share some some narrow minded tendencies with your DH, I'm going to assume that there are similarities with how I might respond if you said:
- for all the reasons you say above, this is something you want to do.
- you work hard in a dark place all day long and, particularly this time of year, it's hard to stay motivated and excited
- you'll try to economize in other ways to offset the expense,
- BUT, the expense is reasonable and you feel strongly about wanting to do it.

Don't make it about fancy phones (pointing out something 'wrong' about him)...make it about what's good and fair for you.

When he sees a happy and bouncy bouncybouncy, he'll get it:D and may want to join in

bouncybouncy

01-30-2009, 07:10 AM

Just an update and a big thank you to all who made a suggestion!!!

I discussed with hubby my intention to use my allowance to pay for the class along with tighten up my personal spending in order to do this. I also explained in more detail how I thought it would help my self-esteem...so he said OK, try it!

I have paid for classes through Feburary and still have $25 in my pocket for whatever (put towards March...hehe)

I have done 2 classes so far with hubby's support....he has seen how happy (Although tired!!!) I am when I come home from the class so I think he is A-OK with it now!

:D

now I must go rest my weary legs!!!

tulip

01-30-2009, 07:18 AM

Excellent! Put that $25 in yer piggy bank for later. Hey, I go to Asheville every few months for work; we should ride!

bouncybouncy

01-30-2009, 07:32 AM

Tulip....Yes we should!!! I think you were here once last year but I could not hook up with you for whatever reason!

Give me a heads up next time you are on your way and we can make a plan!

We can PM to exchange phone info...

I live in Arden, don't know the roads too well but have friends who do! I do know the dirt if you want to go off road!

wooohoooo!

bouncybouncy

02-09-2009, 08:18 AM

Just wanted to give another wonderful update:

Hubby & I went on a road ride yesterday with a buddy of his...hubby and buddy are uber-roadies (buddy in fact races seriously...until his latest most unfortunate crit crash)

All 3 of us are "getting back on the bike" after a few months of "life" and injury recovering. I pulled those 2 extremely competitive men for a few miles at a very consistent 22 mph pace all the while listening to them chat...

DB: woah look at her form
DH: yeah she looks good uh?
DB: she is so consistent
DH: her spinning is smooth!
DB: she is making me hurt...
DH: don't let her fool you...she has been taking a spinning class taught by a pro
DB: it's working!!!

the pull comes to an end at a stop sign...

DH: that class is really working for you...good pull!!!
DB: Girl! you got it going on!!!
Me: grinning from ear to ear!!!

hehe...I am so happy and hubby is quite impressed! He admitted he is glad I put my foot down and took these classes. He also admitted he was afraid I was not going to take it seriously, but apparently I am and workin 'em for my benefit!

Thank you all for listening!

***DB= dear buddy