Man & Woman Just Friends?

[RolliePollie]

What do you think? Can a single woman who is not dating anyone be "just friends" with a single man who is not dating anyone? Or would this friendship be doomed?

I ask this because my best friend is a single man and neither of us is dating anyone else. I love hanging out with him and I'd be happy to be more than friends. But he wants to keep things on a friends-only level. He says he is a confirmed bachelor and doesn't want a relationship (btw, I'm confident he's straight).

My dilemma is that I feel like if I was only good enough, then he'd change his mind about the "only friends" thing. One of these days he'll turn up with a girlfriend and I'll know for sure that he just doesn't want me. So is it better to hang in there and buck up, or should I give up on the friendship? :confused:

[Biciclista]

You ARE good enough. He isn't. Don't get hung up on this guy. sounds like YOU are the one that can't just be friends.
keep your eyes open and enjoy his friendship.

[xeney]

Yeah, I agree with Mimi, I think you are the one who can't be just friends here. When I was single I always had mostly guy friends and my best friend was a guy. The only times it was a problem was when one of us wanted something other than friendship. Maybe you can get past that, maybe you can't, but you can't be his friend in the hope that it will turn into more: you have to be his friend for the sake of being his friend, not with some extra expectation. That isn't fair.

(My best guy friend dumped me when he got married. His wife did not believe we had never fooled around and would not do so in the future. I told that to my husband, who had never had a problem with my friend, and he said, "Wait, you guys weren't fooling around?" I am married to the least jealous person in the world.)

[RolliePollie]

Yeah, I agree with Mimi, I think you are the one who can't be just friends here. When I was single I always had mostly guy friends and my best friend was a guy. The only times it was a problem was when one of us wanted something other than friendship. Maybe you can get past that, maybe you can't, but you can't be his friend in the hope that it will turn into more: you have to be his friend for the sake of being his friend, not with some extra expectation. That isn't fair.



Yes, I think what it boils down to is that he is totally fine with just being friends but I'm not. I need to get over that or I'm the one who's going to screw up the friendship. It's just seems like such a weird thing to me.

You are totally right that it's not fair of me to expect more...I keep reminding myself of that when I get frustrated with him. It's definitely my problem that I want more...especially since he's been very sincere about what he wants and doesn't want. I always keep it to myself when I'm frustrated because I recognize it wouldn't be fair to get mad at him. He isn't doing anything wrong so getting angry with him would be totally out of line.

I just wish I could either give him a swift kick and make him like me more, or give myself a swift kick and make me like him less!!!

Oh, and yes...EVERYONE assumes we're fooling around! His family thinks we're a couple and anyone I tell that we're not a couple just can't believe it. Sigh...men!

[ClockworkOrange]

Hi RP

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind on this one, I dare say I shall forget the most important!

Probably incorrect but I get the feeling you are quite young and not a stick insect, perhaps like many of us, or rather in your own words on another thread ............."Or am I just super self conscious and paranoid?

I am an old biddy and speak from experience, unfortunately it was not until I hit 50 years of age I found my current partner who is also my soul mate. I now realise I had been married for 18 years but not in love. :confused:

However, when we met, he did not want a relationship, nor did I 'really'..........or did I? Also I remembering him saying he would never ever say he loved anybody, well that changed too.

At least your friend is honest but that does not mean if the chemistry is right, things might happen. You do not say how long you have been friends.

I often say to younger friends of mine who are looking for a relationship, finding somebody always happens when you least expect it, so maybe don't look too hard.

Mind you saying all this, if it is making you unhappy, then what's the point.

Hey, nearly the New Year, it will be a good year for you. http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3092/3147563311_5dc23827ee_o.gif

Oh yes, another thing since getting older, the majority of guys who I talk to, prefer a girl to cuddle and not a bag of bones. Even I get all paranoid about my size and my partner always says, he would not want me to be slim, or maybe he is just humouring me. ;)

Clock

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Sometimes being told we can't have something just makes us want it more.

He's made it clear he doesn't want a romance with you- kicking him in the butt is not going to change that. It doesn't sound as though you have really accepted this fact though- and that's where your problems lie.

You must now stop daydreaming about having a romance with him. Dreaming about a one way romance is sometimes addictive in a weird way, but it's not going to make you feel good.
You now need to decide whether you would be happy just having a regular friendship with him. If you care about him, don't put him in an uncomfortable position. You owe it to yourself and to him to be honest and straightforward.
If you decide that you could not be happy as simply his platonic friend, then you'll need to just stop spending time with him and go build other friendships instead. This too shall pass.

[indysteel]

You must now stop daydreaming about having a romance with him. Dreaming about a one way romance is sometimes addictive in a weird way, but it's not going to make you feel good.

I SO agree with you that they can be addictive. And like any "drug," they prevent us from fully engaging in the world. I know I've held onto several crushes long past their "sell by" date as a way to avoid really putting myself out there.

I will admit, too, that most of the guys I've had unreciprocated crushes on were all kinds of wrong for me, and I'm thankful now that my affections were not returned.

[Miranda]

When I read this title it made me think of a great older movie...

"When Harry Met Sally".

It stars Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. It examines the question: can men and women really just be friends? Meg says they can. Billy says they can't because the 'sex part' always gets in the way... even if the sex is not going on, you're thinking about it, etc.

If you know the movie, in the end they get married. Of course a dramatic happy Hollywood ending:rolleyes:. But, when the point comes when Harry does sleep with Sally... ooo, the look on his face! He KNOWS he has just reaaaallly ****** up and trashed the friendship.

I haven't graduated to the honor of being a "biddy" as Clock would say lol. But, I definately classify as an older tainted broad for sure lol. RP... I've unfortunately had one of those "When Harry Met Sally" situations, and honey, it was no Hollywood ending. The story pretty much stopped at the look at regretful dread on Harry's face:(.

You say YOU are maybe not good enough for him... have you ever thought maybe he knows HE is not good enough for you? Like when Billy sleeps with Meg on her weak emotional moment, he knows he's been a total dog.

I think your friend cares about you in that he does not want to hurt you or the friendship. Like the posts already, if longing for him is hurting you... pull away, but in a graceful way to your friend.

Good Luck:).

[RolliePollie]

Wow, you guys are all awesome! It is helpful to hear other people's opinions...and nothing anyone is posting is really surprising me. Gee, this is kind of like a free therapy or something! I really do appreciate everyone's posts.

So you're all validating what I already know but I don't want to accept. I either get over it and find contentment with the platonic friendship, or I stop hanging out with him so much. Either option will be hard. Not sure which way it will go, but I'll definitely be thinking on it. And thinking. And thinking. Part of my problem may be a biological clock issue too...I'm 35-ish so I'd like to get the family thing started already! But I do realize the chances of this friendship developing into anything more (let alone a family!) are about zero percent.

Btw, I love When Harry Met Sally...one of my co-workers and I are constantly quoting it. And not just the famous restaurant scene!

[salsabike]

I would just like to quietly say that there is no evidence at all that he isn't "good enough" for whatever. To suggest that there's something wrong with him seems like an injustice to me. In fact, I appreciate that he is telling Rollie the truth--lots of guys wouldn't, because it's easier not to.

I agree with everything else being said. Nicely put, Bleecker.

[Mr. Bloom]

Salsa +1

I think he sounds like a pretty good guy

[Miranda]

I thought later... OK, I need to come back and add an edit about "When Harry Met Sally" that it was not meant to be an insult to men. Don't want to offend our fine male population we have on here by any means:o;):).

I've been Sally before. And shame on me, I've been Harry before. Being a man specifically has nothing to do with it.

And yes, RP's friend is a good guy in that he is telling the truth that his intentions are to be no more than what they are. Because as he says, "he just wants to stay a bachelor". Well, if that is all it is, fine. Live life whatever way you like.

Related "Friend" Example...
What is not fine is one of GFs recent situations. She and the BF were "friends" first. Then a couple seriously for quite a while. She wanted marriage. He never said he did not. And actually said he eventually would be married some day, have kids etc. (he's an older 30something bachelor never married, my GF is divorced w/a child). Then I see the GF she's devastated. The BF calls (she says out of the blue--seems like more to it) and breaks up with her. However...

Next in the story, she's at his house to pick up some of her personal belongings there, they hug... then he kisses her, well she's emotionally madly in love with him I wanna keep you in my life mode, and then... it's the next morning post the sex. Then, she says, oh yea... he calls me every day and says "I miss my 'friend' ". Umm, meaning I want some 'friendly sex'... oh, then I gotta go do my bachelor whatever... your GFs available to cry your eyes out to right? cuz I got stuff to do...".:rolleyes::eek::confused:

THAT, imho, is NOT ok. I told her that if she can't just live with a booty call friendship and detatch emotionally (which 'I' have the sense to see that she can not), then... see him no more. Just be cordial when she runs into him publically.

[Di bear]

I've always had guys friends who I loved dearly, had a great bond with, but *never* loved them or wanted them in that manner.

Who you are attracted to is not something you can control. You either are or are not. While I find many men attractive, I am not attracted to them. Therefore, I am still single. ;)

I'd rather be single and happy than in a committed relationship with the wrong guys (been there, won't do that, again). I know it's hard to be alone, because I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to lose track of who I am, again. If I finally find the right guy, someday, then that will only positively add to my life. :)

I hope you find a way to hold onto this friendship. The first step is for you to redefine your relationship with him, and it sounds like that only needs to be done on your end.

[eclectic]

Yes women and men can be just friends. Romance needs some chemistry and if it ain't there it ain't there. But then again romance is a very tricky thing - tons of emotional baggage is there too holding people back.

I had a similar situation. I really liked my good friend's younger brother,he was part of the group and I was smitten. We did a lot of things together but he never emotionally committed. It took a long time (as in years) for me to see reality and let him go.

BUT was this end of everything? ? ? ? nope! :D I ended up in the best relationship of my life with . . . . one of his best friends! (who happened to also be a "confirmed bachelor")

So, be the best YOU can be. Be joyful from the inside and it will show on the outside - you never know who else is watching - just wishing you would notice them :)

[RolliePollie]

Salsa +1

I think he sounds like a pretty good guy

He's a very good guy. Thank you all for reminding me of this!

So it sounds like the concensus is as long as both parties are on the same page, then a single man and a single woman can successfully be just friends. Which totally makes sense. I guess any relationship, friendship or otherwise, can be a complicated thing!

[badger]

I wanted to post from the reversed side of the table.

I have a couple of very good male friends who are single. I've known them for about 8 years, and in that time, they have both expressed their interest in taking the friendship to another level.

One thing I hate about having male friends is sooner or later you have to clarify what your friendships' boundaries are.

I wish we didn't have to, I like them just fine as friends and would never want to entertain anything more with them. It makes me feel uncomfortable that they have admitted that they want more from me than my friendship, and it inevitably goes through a period of awkwardness. Luckily they've been able to get past it and have remained very good platonic friends. They even hang out with my boyfriend :)

This probably isn't helping your situation, but sometimes a relationship is the best way to ruin a good friendship. It may take you some time (and maybe you need to not see him much for a while?) to readjust your thinking towards him.

He's been upfront about not wanting a relationship saying he's a "confirmed bachelor". He obviously doesn't want to or have problems with commitment, so it's probably safe to assume that if you guys did venture into a relationship he'll hurt you.

And like others have said, don't think this has anything to do with what you think you lack. You don't, and you're definitely good enough - for someone who deserves you!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I think it's not a matter of someone being 'good enough' for someone else. It's a matter of if someone is 'the right person' for someone else.

Also, I have found that even though we can probably say correctly that it's impossible to control whether we have certain feelings for someone- it is possible to control what we do about those feelings. Often a strong physical crush/attraction towards a friend can run its course if we let it be...leaving in the end a healthy intact friendship. I can speak from experience on this one, and I'm sure glad now that I waited it out! Took a few months, but it was the right thing to do.

[Biciclista]

I think it's not a matter of someone being 'good enough' for someone else. It's a matter of if someone is 'the right person' for someone else.


that was my point. You are plenty good enough. But find someone who wants you. that will make all the difference in the world.