Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

Bluetree

12-22-2008, 10:11 AM

My closest friends are a bunch of men, ages 35-45. All the married ones (with kids) are going through a mid-life crisis and it's bugging the carp out of me. All the unmarried ones are happy as larks and it makes the married ones even more miserable.

I'm the only gal in the bunch which –*for some reason –*gives them the green light to dump all their problems on me. (BTW, they're not trying to hit on me, I don't think... my BF is part of the group)

What to do? I was sympathetic at first, but now it's making me very annoyed. I want to just slap them upside the head and yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

:confused:

Tri Girl

12-22-2008, 10:15 AM

Try it. ;) I have a friend who keeps complaining that her husband is a jerk (he is) and that she's tired of being the only one to raise the kids (which she is). I told her once to either do something about it, or stop complaining to me. You have a choice in life, and if you're unhappy you need to find out why and get on with it. I'm not very tolerant or sympathetic, obviously. :p
Of course, the last few months I've been dreaming of moving someplace tropical, selling everything I own and living on the beach. DH rolls his eyes. He needs the safety and stability of a drone lifestyle, and I'm getting much more "gypsy" in my old age. I guess I should take my own advice, huh?:eek:

tulip

12-22-2008, 10:18 AM

You answered your own question: yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Then give them a list of therapists (individual and couples) to call. That's what they are there for.

Crankin

12-22-2008, 10:18 AM

Are these a bunch of racers? Maybe they are just spending too much time away from their spouses... I am not trying to flip, but the commitment it takes to be on a team/training can be devastating to a marriage, let alone being a parent.

You can't be a counselor for all of them. Listen, but in the end, maybe suggest they sit down and actually discuss their unhappiness with a) their spouse and b) a therapist
Not everyone (male or female) in this age range has a crisis; in fact research shows that most are quite happy. So there must be some common factor going on here.

Bluetree

12-22-2008, 10:21 AM

Are these a bunch of racers? Maybe they are just spending too much time away from their spouses... I am not trying to flip, but the commitment it takes to be on a team/training can be devastating to a marriage, let alone being a parent.

Yes, they are ALL racers. :rolleyes:

And I have told them to go to therapy. They don't listen. ***sigh***

EDIT: I think a HUGE part of this is the fact that the unmarried guys have such a happy-go-lucky kind of lifestyle, and they are quite open that they are happy about their no-wife-no-children decision. It might be different if their peers had a more family-friendly outlook on life.

tulip

12-22-2008, 10:24 AM

They don't have to listen to your advice (they are grownups, afterall), but you don't have to listen to them, either. You can't control them, but you can control you reactions to them. Get up and leave and do something you like.

OakLeaf

12-22-2008, 11:35 AM

He needs the safety and stability of a drone lifestyle, and I'm getting much more "gypsy" in my old age. I guess I should take my own advice, huh?:eek:

mmmm... husband swap?

shootingstar

12-22-2008, 12:01 PM

You might want to suggest that you'll be more willing to listen to the same complaints, but only after they've tried to discuss stuff with their spouse.

Or stick to chatting about cycling and just explore how much time they are cycling away from their families. Cycling enthusiasts can easily lose perspective. Unless their spouse is happily having her own hobby too.

BleeckerSt_Girl

12-22-2008, 12:30 PM

Just my own take-
they are ignoring their wives (who likely don't share their cycling interests), they're feeling bored, restless, and self absorbed. They are dumping their 'angst' on you with a little hope in the back of their minds that they will get you interested in them. I'm betting that most of them have crushes on you, or at least fantasize about being with you. You are physically fit and very pretty, after all. :rolleyes: They wish their wives were more like you.
I guess both men and women can suffer from this crisis, which is just a fear of getting old and losing one's sex appeal.
Since the beginning of time men in mid-life crisis have 'poured their souls out' to nearby lovely younger women in the hopes of attracting one for themselves. If they really want to solve their problems, they will pour their souls out to their wives and to a good therapist.

You just have to be a bit firmer with them about not being available to help them sort out their problems. Maybe you could approach it with humor and tell them it's getting to be a problem with a whole bunch of them confessing their angst to you. This might keep it light and make them laugh when they realize it's not just them.

Mr. SR500

12-22-2008, 01:42 PM

Hey, that could be me. Guys are very direct, tell them to suck it up and grow up. Sorry they are dumping on you. I don't think I dump on any friends - men or women, it seems life is busy enough to just keep plowing away. I'm sure I wine on occasion, but try not to ever get too personal.

Just say - Let's Ride!

lph

12-22-2008, 01:46 PM

What are they having crises about? Conflicts with family life? Or just a plain "argh, is this it"-crisis? To my mind somebody who races and still manages to have a family has achieved more than someone who has all the time in the world to race but no wife or kids.

It may just be that they think that you as a woman (or just as a person - fancy that ;)) are a better listener, and being a cyclist yourself you understand the problem more than their non-cycling spouses. I have a lot of male friends, and I appreciate it when they feel they can talk to me about some things because I'm sort of one of the guys but still a woman with a woman's point of view.

But that's no licence to dump all their angst on you, 'f course.

Tri Girl

12-22-2008, 02:04 PM

mmmm... husband swap?

You got a little gypsy on your hands, huh? ;)

Bluetree

12-22-2008, 02:05 PM

I have a gay friend who is in a similar situation (being a dumpee), and we once compared notes of the most-common phrases we hear:

"My wife and I have just grown apart. We're like roommates."

"I'm bored with everything."

"I love my kids, but if I had to do it all over again..."

"Marriage ended my sex life."

"If anyone younger than me asks, I tell them not to get married."

"I wish my wife rode a bike... like you do." (My gay friend doesn't get that one)

"I'm so angry, and I have no idea why because I have nothing to be angry about."

"I need a change, but I don't know what I want."

The sad thing is, my friend waited for 20 years to get married to his BF because he wanted it so badly... and now that may be taken away from him. :(

lunacycles

12-22-2008, 02:41 PM

I have a framebuilding buddy in another country with whom I have been emailing for years. But, I started to notice, he seems to email me a lot more frequently, and with a lot more verbage, when he is having trouble with his girlfriend. It's so predictable now. She left the U.S. and moved in with him in Sept, and suddenly it got very quiet. But, sure enough, 3 months in, he's back and complaining about how he has lost his freedom. I told him to behave himself :D and haven't heard back.

You know, I think guys, guys who are your "friends," are often confused, especially if they are married or heavily committed. I get confused, too. Sometimes it is really nice having guys, regardless of their marital status, as your friends and nothing more. But it seems like that is a rarer thing than I thought it would be 20 years ago. I still have great guy friends, but sometimes it isn't worth it unless you've known each other so long the rules are absolutely clear and self evident.

Grog

12-22-2008, 05:08 PM

Was sitting on a plane about six years ago (Paris to Montreal, so a long flight) once, this really charming guy was sitting next to me. We had pretty interesting conversation the whole way and sort of became friends. But he really corresponded to what you're describing, Bluetree: married, recently became the father of a young child, bored with his relationship. I can't remember the context, but I exploded with laughter at some point and told him outright he was just another textbook case of new-father-looking-for-something-"new"-outside-his-marriage. There are so many guys like that. I just told him that I refused to be a part of his mid-life crisis. We did stay in touch for a little while, and I will admit that the attention was welcome, but clearly he wanted to be more "friendly" than I was interested in.

I don't know if it's about the sex appeal, maybe. I suspect that it's a bit more than that.

I don't know what I'd do in your position, besides giving them a good shake and being as blunt as I was with that man. It's annoying because you probably enjoy these guys' company. But you probably don't want to get in the way of their relationship either... Even if you don't think that's what's going on, that's something to keep in mind. I know about the "I wish my wife cycled like you," and that would set off big big red flags for me.

Andrea

12-23-2008, 03:27 AM

Yes, they are ALL racers. :rolleyes:

Based on my experiences with guys who race, if they're ambitions include winning and upgrading to elite ranks, then the wife/family thing rarely works without a hitch. The only way racing at that level works is with a supportive spouse... not tolerant as is more common, but one that actually wants to see her man kick a bunch of a** on the bike, and is happy to take up the slack while he's out training/racing.
Otherwise, if he's training/racing like he wants, she's going to resent it. Or, he won't train/race as much as he wants, and he'll start to resent her.

I figured this out during many a long road trip and training ride... racing is one of the things that's somewhere on my list of reasons why I'm no longer married (among other bigger issues, but it's on there for sure).

lph

12-23-2008, 04:03 AM

But he really corresponded to what you're describing, Bluetree: married, recently became the father of a young child, bored with his relationship.

For some reason that word "bored" just makes me see red. Sure, you can be unhappy with a relationship, or worried, or sad or feel like you're in the wrong place, but BORED?? Bored is respectless, bored implies it's somebody else's fault, bored means you can't be bothered to make an effort. So boo-hoo. :mad:

And how is it possible to be "bored" when you have a small child? Frazzled, worked off your head, tired, sure - but bored?

Sorry, this just gets me. To me agreeing to have and raise a child is a much bigger commitment than marriage vows. I have every sympathy with parents who cannot struggle through those first tough years without trouble or even splitting up, but geez louise, give it a fighting chance and don't start moaning that you're "bored". You just brought a new life into the world, so suck it up and be responsible.

No offence meant to you, Grog! :p

Irulan

12-23-2008, 06:34 AM

Since the beginning of time men in mid-life crisis have 'poured their souls out' to nearby lovely younger women in the hopes of attracting one for themselves. If they really want to solve their problems, they will pour their souls out to their wives and to a good therapist.

You just have to be a bit firmer with them about not being available to help them sort out their problems. Maybe you could approach it with humor and tell them it's getting to be a problem with a whole bunch of them confessing their angst to you. This might keep it light and make them laugh when they realize it's not just them.

What she said. :)

If these guys would put half the energy back into their relationships that they do into attempting to get emotionally intimate with others ( and that's what they are doing whether you want to call it that or not....) they'd have much better relationships.

To me it's a clear case of needing to set boundaries. You don't have to let them unload on you. There are plenty of kind ways to do a redirect.

BleeckerSt_Girl

12-23-2008, 06:41 AM

LPH,
I agree with you about the word 'bored'.
I tend to think that the only people who get bored are boring people.
When my children used to come to me whining about 'being bored', I would just tell them "You're bored because you're not doing anything. Get off your behind and do something interesting and you won't be bored anymore." (OMG how they used to hate it when I said that!) :D :D Then I'd suggest they go for a jog or ride their bike, phone a friend, read a book, draw or paint something, build a model of something, plant some herb seeds for the windowsill, play some music, identify and press some wildflowers, write a poem, play badminton in the yard, practice their knitting, make some cookies.......(by that time they had usually left the room). :D :cool:

Flybye

12-23-2008, 07:02 AM

I just want to offer a different perspective here. People who are in long term marriages, even with a bazillion kids, do get bored. It is a part of life. Those who admit that they are bored instead of trying to stifle it and live feeling shamed for having normal thoughts are the ones who can find themselves in a lot of trouble. The feeling of boredom does not go away by trying to think it away or shame it away. If individuals can't express normal and honest emotions and feelings, it opens the door just a little wider to the possibility of having a discreet affair.

Healthy marriages are about honesty. Good mental health is about honest and open perspectives into feelings and thoughts.

I think that it is encouraging that others are seeking opinions about their boredom. That tells me that they are asking "am I okay?? are others experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am?" and most importantly, it acknowledges that they are wrestling with something that they don't feel right about.

When we can name and claim a feeling, we are more open to honestly examine and explore it. Those are the people who will most likely find something good and productive to fill that boredom void. With something other than an affair.

Developmentally speaking, if we look at adults in the age ranges 0f 35-45, adults at this stage are going through what Eric Erickson referred to as the stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation...... people in this stage of adulthood have a tendency to either become self-absorbed with personal achievements and life-style (a more stagnant approach to life) or to become more generative - individuals who seek productive work, new adventures and challenges, and setting important goals. It is a time of re-examination - a realization that the time is ripe to reach goals. There is a bit of a struggle to find the path at this stage, just as there were at other stages, such as during the grand old time of adolescents when we were struggling to find our identities in the world.

Within this framework, then, it is NORMAL that they are examining their lives, every faucet of it. Without the self exploration there will be no generativity.

Some men feel more comfortable talking to other women about issues. I would suspect that Bluetree is a good conversationalist, someone that they trust, and someone that they respect an opinion from. In this way, then, if my assumptions are correct, Bluetree is a gatekeeper of sorts to help them normalize how they are feeling and then suggest that they seek help outside of the friendship circle. If my assumptions are correct, then, I think Bluetree is doing an honorable job at being a friend and confidant.

My suggestion to them would be they see a Counselor to help them understand some of the thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing.

lph

12-23-2008, 08:25 AM

Tuckervill

12-23-2008, 09:18 AM

Boredom is an emotion, like sadness, anger, joy. It's not a flaw or a personal failing. Most emotions pass. It's the actions you take based on those emotions that matter.

Karen

chicago

12-23-2008, 09:40 AM

I participate in a support group divorced/separated and otherwise relationship that has ended...

and it's full of abandoned spouses of those who were bored... it's so sad that "commitment" doesn't seem to be the priority anymore...

Mr. Bloom

12-23-2008, 11:15 AM

At first, I bristled at Bleecker St Girl's perspective...

...then I read Bluetree's "Common Phrases" and thought - Oh! Oh! - that's not cool. BSG may be right:eek: (although the fact that Bluetree's BF is part of the group really, really, really makes that unlikely to me). So, it really is a crisis and people in crisis react in odd ways (I know I have...)

So I'm more with Flybye on this...but, it really just depends on the guys and the circumstances, but this is about Bluetree, not the guys, so:

Blue, you should feel total freedom to say:
- you're my buddy and I appreciate your friendship,
- I'm sorry you feel like this, but you need to address this through marriage counseling with your wife
- It's uncomfortable for me to hear these things and please respect my wishes to keep our friendship above even a hint of impropriety.

Bluetree

12-23-2008, 01:06 PM

Thanks for all the (very thought-provoking) responses. They all kinda rang a bell with me on different levels. I don't think my male friends are trying to hit on me. I just think that as the only female of the group, they feel like they can talk to me instead of their macho brethren when they have an emotional issue at home.

I find it flattering that they would feel comfortably talking to me about it. No single person has crossed the line or done anything untoward. On the other hand, what makes it slightly overwhelming to me is how many of them had told me the exact same thing at one time or another.

It doesn't make me angry so much as disappointed. And I think my annoyance comes from the fact that so many of my ideals and ideas about people and their happy marriages have been a sham. It also puts a guilt burden on me because many of their wives have becomes friends of mine as well. :(

Developmentally speaking, if we look at adults in the age ranges 0f 35-45, adults at this stage are going through what Eric Erickson referred to as the stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation...... people in this stage of adulthood have a tendency to either become self-absorbed with personal achievements and life-style (a more stagnant approach to life) or to become more generative - individuals who seek productive work, new adventures and challenges, and setting important goals. It is a time of re-examination - a realization that the time is ripe to reach goals. There is a bit of a struggle to find the path at this stage, just as there were at other stages, such as during the grand old time of adolescents when we were struggling to find our identities in the world.

I think Flyby really hit upon it. All of this seems to be happening within a certain age range. In fact, if it wasn't so sad I'd find it rather laughable. My friends are all very good people at heart. I just hate to see them (and their SOs going through this.)

Definitely stuff to think about.

Thanks again, TE folks. ;)

BleeckerSt_Girl

12-23-2008, 01:15 PM

I see your point, Flybye, and I agree that one should try to understand honestly the feelings one has. But to my ears there's a huge difference in the attitude between being unhappy or unsatisfied (but being able or willing to do something about it) and being bored, which implies that that's the way things are and you can't even be bothered to do something about it. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into that word. I have the feeling my mother went ballistic when I said I was bored as a child and it's stuck ;)

Yeah, I tend to define 'boredom' the same way. I see being 'bored' in a marriage as very different from being sad or feeling empty, frustrated, unappreciated, etc. To me it implies that they think the spouse has 'failed' at being interesting to them anymore. And maybe we all define boredom slightly differently.
One thing this all made me remember however, is a little story my mother used to tell....apparently when my brother was about 2 1/2 or so, he toddled up to my mother and said glumly "Mommee, I want sum'ping!!" She said that was his way of saying he was bored and wanted 'something' but didn't know exactly what, and she thought that was cute.
Perhaps the real meaning of being bored is that you want sum'ping!
Maybe those guys just need a cookie. :cool:

Crankin

12-23-2008, 01:36 PM

Flybye gave some very perceptive application of Erikson's theory. I just finished a presentation on adult development and my group focused on marriage. I looked at how attachment bonds formed as children affect marital success and attachment to a partner. I don't want to go into it all here, but needless to say, considering what a lot of people have gone through as children/teens, it is no wonder that by the time you reach 40, it starts to bubble up.
Personally, I think both men and women have unrealistic expectations about marriage and think it is going to be all perfect without a lot of hard work. People don't know how to be honest and communicate. Throw in endless hours of training, without connecting to your spouse or kids makes it worse. I think the feeling of "boredom" that the men describe is simply the fact that regular daily life does not provide the "thrill" or high that racing/training does. I know that my son who raced ALWAYS said he was bored. He went from one passion to another until he started riding. Then, when he went to college he was bored again and joined the military. It's the constant thrill seeking working here. Now, he's always seeking dangerous assignments, because even the routine tasks of his job in intelligence seem "boring."
I really think this type of personality is attracted to racing; it doesn't bode well for relationships. Of course, I've let my son know this!

Biciclista

12-23-2008, 01:47 PM

Marriage isn't for everyone and it sounds like a lot of your friends shouldn't have gotten married. I believe to be a good racer it take A LOT of time and energy. but since they are fathers and husbands, they need to take care of those responsibilities FIRST. I pity their wives and their kids. They're talking to you, yes, because not only are you a woman, but you're a racer too, and you "understand"
the fact is, you don't have kids so you don't have to divide your time between your passion and your children. They look up to you because you made the right choices. Sounds like they need a kick in the butt so they can make their own good choices. Kids are only little and needy for a little while . Then they grow up. If a person can't be a good parent when their kids need them, what's the point?

Irulan

12-23-2008, 02:01 PM

more thoughts - when people are unloading about their relationships, you almost never know the truth of the situation or the other side of the story. Could be - the wife is uber focused on the kids or self, neglecting the spouse. Maybe there's a substance abuse issue. Maybe there's all sorts of problems that "boredom" is masking for. Obviously, there are communication problems....

tulip

12-23-2008, 02:05 PM

+1 Irulan. I was trying to think of a way to say the same thing, but you say it very well. A marriage is always two-way.

Bluetree-I would just tell them that you are not the person to unload on. If they need to talk to someone, they should explore counseling, either couples or individual. If they continue talking at you after you tell them this, I can ASSURE you that if they don't listen to you, they don't listen at home, either.

Best of luck.

BleeckerSt_Girl

12-23-2008, 02:07 PM

Don't get me wrong...I agree with the whole idea that these middle aged men are just seeking their inner path, looking to redefine themselves, and perhaps they themselves aren't even sure what they need/want....
I think we all go through some combination of these challenges when we hit middle age.
It's not that I think Bluetree's guy biking pals are acting sleazy.
HOWEVER....
Being in my mid 50's I can say that I have had a little experience with this issue.
When I was in my mid 20's I was quite attractive, and I noticed an occasional middle aged guy would say this kind of stuff to me sort of wistfully.
It happened more regularly in my 30's....50 something guys would tell me (sometimes seemingly out of the blue, or while working in the same place, and didn't seem to matter if I was happily married or not) how they were 'bored' with their lives, how they couldn't connect anymore with their spouses or children, how their lives lacked passion or direction, ....and how they wished their wife was more like me. It was always "I wish she had a smile like yours" or "I wish she was musical like you" or "I wish she was more outgoing like you"...."independent like you"...."artistic like you".....etc etc. If I had been biking at the time I'm sure it would have been "I wish she was into fitness and biking like you". Usually followed by their assurances to me that they cared deeply about their families and marriages.
Then, if I listened sympathetically to their tales of angst over a period of time...well it would always eventually wind up with them asking me for a 'date'. Always. If I did not continue to listen sympathetically, well they would just immediately go focus on some other woman, like it was no big deal.
But one thing I did notice is that it would always be a younger, pretty woman they would focus on....never a woman their own age (or their wife's age) who might actually have some really valuable wisdom and insight to offer them. :rolleyes: hmmm....
I know this sounds unkind and cynical, but I'm just reporting my experiences. I do sympathize with these fellows and with anyone, male or female, who goes through this kind of angst. I went through it myself!

Perhaps it will help Bluetree to sense if things are going in an unwanted direction in any of those cases she is dealing with.

Zen

12-23-2008, 06:59 PM

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me" :rolleyes:

Mr. Bloom

12-24-2008, 03:48 AM

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me" :rolleyes:

Huh?:confused:

Crankin

12-24-2008, 05:02 AM

It's what men would say to women that they were hitting on...
like an excuse for their bad behavior.

jane_t

12-24-2008, 07:58 AM

Mr. Bloom

12-24-2008, 08:28 AM

:)please just don't imply that this is a uniquely male issue;)

While it is a male stereotype, I think that the last few years have seen more women emerging with this type of behavior as well...and based on my circle of acquaintences, I believe it's much more gender balanced than you might think.

Selkie

12-24-2008, 08:30 AM

Marriage is hard work, even "happy" marriages.

Call me old fashioned, but I would never ever want my husband to complain about me to or discuss his personal issues with a younger female.

From BT's description of what's going on, it sounds like these guys are trolling for either an emotional or physical affair.

Zen

12-24-2008, 08:36 AM

:)please just don't imply that this is a uniquely male issue;)
though we are notorious for digression, please re-read the initial post. The discussion is about one persons experience.

BleeckerSt_Girl

12-24-2008, 08:38 AM

Unfortunately I can speak from experience about this issue. My husband has done this with a couple of women in our cycling club. He is having a major mid life crisis. (We’re married 20 years!!) I run a profitable small business and take care of most of the things at home. (As most women do). I admit that I have gained weight over the 20 years but I am in the process of getting back into shape for a ½ marathon in April and also ride about 75 miles a week in the summer.

I guess that men get restless in their late 40’s and think that someone new will solve their problems with themselves. I would suggest to that she tell the guys to discuss it with their spouses. The pain involved for the spouse is incredible.

I feel for you Jane- I hope things work out for you.

I tend to think that it is simply not appropriate or responsible for someone to dump their middle aged angst and marriage problems onto someone substantially younger than themselves. Especially an older man whining to a younger pretty woman. They should seek sympathy/comfort/advice/help from a more appropriate source- a therapist, a male peer, and/or their spouse.

This issue kind of reminds me of that rather miserable Bill Murray movie "Lost in Translation".
In that movie both the middle aged man and the younger woman were trying to fix their respective marriage boredoms by having a relationship with each other, a sympathetic stranger/acquaintance, rather than trying to work on their relationships with their spouses. They sought a cure for their boredom in the empty novelty of a 'new person'. They acted as though they were noble martyrs for putting up with their spouses (though apparently not lifting a finger to fix anything or even level with their spouses) ....but I just found myself unable to feel any sympathy for either of them, aside from just finding them pathetic.

Mr. Bloom

12-24-2008, 08:58 AM

though we are notorious for digression, please re-read the initial post. The discussion is about one persons experience.

simply responding to the evolution zen...

Bruno28

12-24-2008, 09:17 AM

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me" :rolleyes:

Right on the nose, as ever :cool:

ACG

12-24-2008, 09:28 AM

What to do? I was sympathetic at first, but now it's making me very annoyed. I want to just slap them upside the head and yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

:confused:

Here is my suggestion and experience. I have managed large groups of people who because of my job think I am their shoulder to cry on. It is both a male and female thing, just happens at different stages in our lives. I have had people tell me some really personal things, I mean REALLY PERSONAL. I never tell anyone at work these things. Maybe that is why they come to me. Because they trust me. Anyway. From my personal experience I can't say enough about taking charge of your life. Why rely on another person for all of YOUR happiness? I have told this to people. Sometimes I just listen and nod my head, because they is all they want.

So maybe for you, they see a female who has the opinion they would listen to. They don't want to go to a therapist because that is like admitting you have a problem. But seeing this is causing you some discomfort, you should take care of yourself. Simply say, you sympathize with their situation however you are perhaps not the best person to help them out and while you want to remain friends, you are feeling a little bit weighed down by this situation.

Then if that doesn't work the more upfront approach: Guys stop complaining, weigh all your options, take into account the negative consequences to what you think will be a positive outcome, get off your behind and do something. But I don't want or need to be your life coach.

And slapping people upside they head feels really good sometimes too.

Okay, that is just MY opinion.

Sign me, divorced female who did something about her un-happy ex-spouse.

Miranda

12-24-2008, 05:11 PM

WOW, this is quite a thread. There is a whole lot I could say, but how about this for one thing (in addition to what has already been said)...

OK, you say you are friends ALSO with the wives of these guys (or aquiants etc.)? Umm, what happens if the WIVES start talking to you ALSO or mention something, ask your opinion, etc. :eek:

That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine. If they have any brains what so ever, any respect for you as a friend/aquiant, etc. they ***should*** understand if you mention how ackward/uncomfortable this topic would be if presented by their SO...

Like... are ya suppose to lie for them? :confused: Tell the truth? :confused: Fumble the question:o... and maybe have their wives brains start working overtime as to why you are having trouble answering? :eek::eek:

Ahh, yea... that's got all kinds of possibilities to it *shudders*.

Irulan

12-24-2008, 05:50 PM

W
That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine.

totally awesome!!!!

salsabike

12-24-2008, 10:05 PM

if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

:confused:

You know what, Bluetree? I think your first instinct was actually a pretty good one (slap is optional).

sgtiger

12-25-2008, 10:56 AM

There's venting and then there's VENTING. Sometimes we all need to just get things off our chest and have a sympathetic ear so that we can go on with our lives. Voicing feelings can make us reexamine those emotions from a different perspective. It can make us realize that the thoughts we're having don't sync up with reality or that we need to make a change.

However, I have found with some people that they get into a bad habit of constantly b!tching about their SO. Usually it's just a couple of issues that they may be unhappy with, but the rest of their relationship with their SO is pretty good. For these people it takes a wake up call for them to realize that they're poisoning their relationship. Constantly thinking about and recalling a bad event can become a self-feeding loop of negative energy and bring down the people in the relationship and anyone that they dump their feelings on. I have found myself on the receiving end of this and feel like I'm being used as their emotional tampon.:( Which is the impression that I'm getting from your post, Bluetree.

IMHO, part of learning to express our emotions is finding the time, place, manner and people with whom we unburden ourselves. Having a close friend who knows us well enough to know when we're venting and lending a sympathetic yet detached ear at those times is invaluable. They realize that the emotions we're expressing is out of anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loneliness, boredom, depression, grief or ??? and know that those are not how we feel the rest of the time. They'll let us unload, maybe give us an anecdote or two to let us know that we're not alone in having those moments, and know when to turn things around - at which time they can give us gentle reminders of the things we love about our SO.

I think as a friend listening to the situations it's important to stay detached otherwise it gets messy. Either it turns into a situations where the one listening says things that may come to bite them back later (Example: Yeah, I always thought he was a jerk but I didn't know how to tell you.) or it becomes a SO bashing event that leaves all involved feeling blacker.

ETA: It's better to be honest about how you feel about your friends unburdening on you, because if it's done in a manner that's bringing you down then it's not healthy for your friendship with them and the friendship that you hold with their SOs.

My $.02 anyhow.