Help with body image

[crazycanuck]

I need some help with my body image. I swim & bike with folks who are skinny minnies/moes & I too would love to be that way. I am getting to the body image I want but not yet.

I don't hate my body, I just want something different & it's taking forever to get there. It's getting in the way of our time spent in the bedroom :(

Have you been there? What do you suggest?

Tanks
C

[OakLeaf]

oh boy HAVE I been there and mostly still there.

A couple things that have helped though:

(this sounds a little kinky, but I mean it in a completely non-autoerotic sense, and it works for me) touch, don't look. The mirror is often my enemy, because my eyes go right to the parts I hate, and skip over the muscles that other people see. But when you use touch, you can isolate your self-perception to parts of your body that you like, then build on that positive feedback. I like the feel of my rock-hard quads or triceps. I like to feel my hipbones all the way around. I like to put my hand on my *ss and find that it doesn't stick out half so far as where I expect to find it. Whatever parts of your body make you feel like an athlete, touch them, affirm them, make those parts the basis of your body image.

And actually... if it's affecting your "time in the bedroom" as it can for me - go ahead and put some autoeroticism into those touches! Let yourself feel the things that feel good to your partner, try to feel yourself through his hands! :)

Make yourself affirm OTHER people's body images. When I became an aerobics instructor, one of the most powerful lessons I learned was that I need to project a positive body image. Everyone in my classes is trying to be or become fit. Most of them aren't as fit as I am. Many times they'll comment that they wish they had a body like mine. Early on it took ALL my strength not to roll my eyes and make some self-hating comment, but for their sake, I have to encourage them, and the more I do it, the easier it gets to accept the way I look in THEIR eyes.

[lph]

I just thought - maybe watch a movie with someone unskinny but happy with it, like Queen Latifah in Chicago. The self-confidence just pours off her in waves. She's a big lady, but she is frankly, smoking HOT. And there are lots of mousy, introverted skinny minnies out there. There is nothing sexier than self-confidence, and that's not attached to body size or weight. Wanting to be fitter or faster or more athletic is something else, but that alone won't make a woman attractive.

[Veronica]

You have got to love what you've got; it's the only body you're going to get. :D

Seriously, maybe you're not meant to be a twig. I'm not. And wanting what you're not meant to be, just sets you up for failure. It took me a long time to figure this out and actually accept it. That's the hard part.

Veronica

[Biciclista]

What Veronica said.
You're telling us that what you look like is interfering with your bedroom time? turn the lights out then!

Your partner accepted you a long time ago, and it's not slowing him down, is it?
Start finding things about yourself that you do like. You're only going to get older, which is worse, you can't turn back the clock. You have to accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can.
You're never going to be tall and slender.
You're never going to have a big nose like me.
you have a great compact body, and you have ALL the right stuff. Please appreciate it now while you still have it.

[Crankin]

Mostly, I think if you think of yourself as strong and athletic, that helps. You are doing things that a lot of "skinny" people can't do. Think of what you are doing for your health.
It's hard to keep a balance with this. Right before I started cycling, I was burned out on aerobics and sort of resigned to middle aged spread. But, I still thought of myself as athletic, as in my former self. Then, when my husband got me out on a bike, I could barely breathe and I wasn't too happy about the way I looked in the cycling apparel he bought me. That was my incentive to start cycling. It was a wake up call.
Veronica is right. We are all built a certain way and at least for me, no matter how much exercise I do, some things are not going to change. And, I would really like it if I were at least 4 inches taller...

[crazycanuck]

Oakleaf-I love to touch & not look :D I just forget & get wrapped up in a whirlwind of life.

Lph-Ian reminded me of our NZ friend who's 3x's the size of me BUT has the confidence. I had an "aha" moment...aha!

V-Thanks & yep perhaps i won't be a twig but i'll be a nice branch :D

Mimi-Yes, very true. Ian loves me bodayyyyyy but also my mind!

Crankin-I think i'll have to start thinking of myself as strong & athletic.

Ian's been trying to tell me all of the things you ladies have!!!

[solobiker]

I too have had thoughts like you mentioned. I just have to stay focused on what my body allows me to do. I may not be supper skinny but I am able to ride, hike, run, climb, backpack....the list could go on which makes me very happy. You are in awesome shape. Heck, last year you were sidelinded with an injury and now you just completed a long distance swim.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

CC- if it helps any, I will tell the truth...that when I saw the pix you posted of yourself in your bathing suit at the swim event, the first thing that popped into my mind was not "she looks fat" but it was rather "she looks pretty strong". Think of yourself as a strong woman, because that's what you are. :) Strong women are sexy.

[Veronica]

CC- if it helps any, I will tell the truth...that when I saw the pix you posted of yourself in your bathing suit at the swim event, the first thing that popped into my mind was not "she looks fat" but it was rather "she looks pretty strong". Think of yourself as a strong woman, because that's what you are. :) Strong women are sexy.

Hey, I missed this picture. I wanna see!

Veronica

[pardes]

Ian's been trying to tell me all of the things you ladies have!!!

Ian sounds like a Prince. Give him a GREAT big smooch for us!

[rocknrollgirl]

I realized this morning..and I will not discuss why I thought of it;), that "they", our partners do not see what we see. They see what they love. So love what they see.


My guy friends at school say that I am the only woman they know that never, ever says that she feels or looks or is fat, or over weight or whatever. The reason for that is that I am amazed at what my body can do. And as long as I can be out there loving my sport, I do not care what the scale says.

You will get there, enjoy the journey, and let Ian love you the way you are.

[crazycanuck]

v..this is the thread lisa's referring to

http://http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=28180

[LBTC]

CC - I'm so glad you've received so much support and so many good ideas already. Take what you can and put it into practice. :-)

For me, when my health crisis was starting to turn the corner, I could feel that I was gaining more strength and mobility back, but my body was 30 or more pounds too heavy and on my short frame it REALLY showed. None of my clothes fit and it was terribly depressing for me. DH was really helpful - he got me out buying clothes. I went to a great consignment store and the lady there just loved to dress me up - she'd tell me what looked great and what didn't. I bought a REAL bra that was actually fitted. DH took me out as often as he could - gave me reasons to dress up. And, believe it or not, it worked!! Because I looked good in clothes that fit me well, I felt more confident, and that helped me look even better! And because the clothes were from a consignment store, I wasn't paying full retail - I didn't have to feel bad that I would shrink out of them :o And, sure enough, I did! As my body shifts from cycling season to winter and the difficulty of keeping the training going, I am resorting to a few of the in between clothes....but am happy to say that the clothes I bought at the beginning of that adventure still fall off of me!

You're a strong woman - let the world know!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Andrea]

v..this is the thread lisa's referring to

http://http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=28180

Your link got a little messed up somehow... here ya go:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=28180


I think you look mahhhhhvelous :D

[tulip]

What LBTC says is true! So often our clothes simply don't fit us and we're uncomfortable, and that makes us less confident. But if you get clothes that actually fit, no matter your size, you feel more comfortable and more confident.

I used to enjoy watching What Not To Wear because the hosts focused on what worked for each particular person--not some ideal. And everyone in that show glowed with confidence at the end.

cc-You are strong and beautiful, and very, very funny! Enjoy yourself--I get the idea that Ian does!

[Veronica]

cc-You are strong and beautiful, and very, very funny! Enjoy yourself--I get the idea that Ian does!


I love tulip's advice. Make this your mantra.

Veronica

[Zen]

I used to enjoy watching What Not To Wear because the hosts focused on what worked for each particular person--not some ideal. And everyone in that show glowed with confidence at the end.

I learned a few tricks from that show too ;)

[sgtiger]

(((((((CC)))))))))

CC, you are beautiful in many ways including your bod. You just need to convince your brain to see it that way by changing your self talk from negative to positive. Focus on all the things you like, for example: your eyes that show your humor and intelligence behind them, your warm smile, your strong legs for getting you around, your knees for all the work it does, your core that is getting stronger and makes it possible for you to do what you do, your arms that pull you through the open water, your heart for ceaselessly pumping blood to bring fresh oxygen to where it's needed, etc. It takes time to get out of the habit of focusing on the negative. When you catch yourself doing it, imagine that you're blowing the thought away with your next exhalation. Be thankful that you and your body are healthy and strong. Remember too you've been through a lot and your body may still be recovering.

Other exercises:

1) Every morning right after you get out of bed look into your own eyes in a mirror and repeat daily 10X for a week - I am beautiful. Try to do it with sincerity. Don't roll your eyes or think "yeah right" while you're doing it. With a wipe board marker write This is Real Beauty on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.

2) With Ian, let him him tell you non-verbally how beautiful he thinks you are. I've seen the gleam he has when he's with you, so if his words don't convince you then let his eyes do the talking. Stand or sit eye to eye without saying word. He will show you how much he loves you and lusts after you. Next time try it naked with the lights dimmed. Candle light and moonlight work great. After that it's all up to the two of you.;)

[cylegoddess]

for everyone who has worried she was fat;
I used to be rail thin, Too thin. I looked like fashion models aspire to be. I lifted weights, I ran for three hours a day- for pleasure. I worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and went dancing until 6 in the morning, on days off. I was invincible. I thought all it mattered was to be skinny.
Then, one day I got sick. Then sicker , then my immune system started to break down. The toxic waste near where I live might have been the cause.
For years, I got worse, chronic fatigue , mysterious viruses, near collapse, and no sympathy from family and friends - no one knew why. I still had to work too.
I took up riding. I was pretty weak and pathetically thin from being sick, rather than the strong lean woman I was,so I couldnt ride much farther than around the block.. I could barely run down the street to catch the bus.
I started to train at the gym in cycling class. I watched Lance Armstrong videos.
Then I gained weight.Not much but some. More than I had been for years, so I felt fat but as I get better, I realize nothing matters but your health.
I look at my body and I feel happy that its working, that its strong most days and that I can now ride 28 km after a year of training.
I also feel even smaller, when I stand next to guy cyclists and their big, strong thighs. I dont see many women here but I rejoice in each one I see, because they looks strong too. Im pretty tiny, so Im all thighs and bottom and not much else, so it makes me look funny but every day I look to see if my legs , have hopefully gotten larger!

Id trade anything to be fully well ,even supposedly beong the 'ideal'dress size!!

I know now - rejoice in your body! love it, enjoy its strength and grace and sleek curves.
Be strong, be beautiful and enjoy your ride!

[shootingstar]

Perhaps cycling goddess you might want to tell us more about yourself in General Discussion-Cycling issues.

meaning the type of bike, how long you have been cycling, etc.

[cylegoddess]

love to!

[Trekhawk]

love to!

Hey cyclegoddess lots of good advice for us all in your post.:)
Where are you in Aust?

[RoadRaven]

I don't hate my body, I just want something different & it's taking forever to get there. It's getting in the way of our time spent in the bedroom :(

Have you been there?

Hey there CC... yup, I have/am there...

For the first time in years, I am happy with my body - cycling has given me this - these last 3 years or so have seen me appreciate my fitness, regardless of how my body appears. I am fit... I am strong... I could thrash most of the women my age I know in terms of power output or aerobic endurance. I could out-walk them. I could out-bike them. I could (can) run up three flights of stairs and have caught my breath by the time they get there. If we measured our fat/muscle ratios, I would almost certainly out-muscle them.

But the changes I expected to see... the changes that women here post about - muscle definition... weight loss... where are these changes???????

I have lost 15kg since I started cycling, but to get back to a healthy size I am still about 15kg or 1 1/2 jean sizes away.

So, nope, they aint happening for me either. I don't expect to be svelte like I was when I was 17... but it would be nice to lose my tummy... for my thighs to be a little less chunky.

And yes, these un-changes to get in the way in the bedroom.They affect the way I feel sometimes, and make me feel awkward or clumsy, and sometimes unattractive, though I never get a hint of that from my partner.

So yes, my friend, CC, I have been there... I still am.

[BikingNurse]

+1 to what OakLeaf said

Also, I know I saw it here somewhere but I can't find it right now. This one phrase has helped me. I am paraphrasing ........ how can you hate a body that can take you places? How can you hate legs that get you up that hill? You are a strong woman. Your free time isn't consumed with TV and a bag of chips.
(I'm a mom x's 3) I definately have things that I want to change. But one thing that keeps me motivated is to look and feel my legs. I've only been cycling a short time, but they are changing and getting hot! Just keep in mind that you are a strong woman with a strong body. You can go places that many women break a sweat just thinking about.
I think we are all pretty awsome just because of that.
I'd like to hear how it's goin now. I know it's been a while since you posted this thread.

[redrhodie]

CC, it's been a while since you started this thread. What advice would you now give someone with the same problem?

I have a friend who hates her body. I'm like, yeah, I feel so sorry for you, being shaped like an hourglass must really suck. In all sincerity, her self esteem has prevented her from really enjoying her life. It's such a shame. I think she's a true beauty, but she doesn't agree. Is there anything I can do to help, or does it really just have to be from within?

[crazycanuck]

umm..i've not thought about this for quite a while..I didn't expect someone to dig up the post :rolleyes:

I'm too interested in my uni studies & training for the 12hr.

[tulip]

CC, it's been a while since you started this thread. What advice would you now give someone with the same problem?

I have a friend who hates her body. I'm like, yeah, I feel so sorry for you, being shaped like an hourglass must really suck. In all sincerity, her self esteem has prevented her from really enjoying her life. It's such a shame. I think she's a true beauty, but she doesn't agree. Is there anything I can do to help, or does it really just have to be from within?

from my experience, I would suggest that your friend might benefit from some counseling. It helped me alot.

[redrhodie]

from my experience, I would suggest that your friend might benefit from some counseling. It helped me alot.

Thanks, Tulip. I've suggested therapy before, and she's adamantly opposed to the idea, but I'm sure she'd really benefit from it. I'll bring it up again.

[tulip]

Thanks, Tulip. I've suggested therapy before, and she's adamantly opposed to the idea, but I'm sure she'd really benefit from it. I'll bring it up again.

Well, you can't make her go. It's up to her, when and if she's ready. In my book, being adamantly opposed to it is a red flag for really needing it. That's how I was!

[redrhodie]

She also just broke up with her bf (again), so help is needed right now more than ever. I know I can't make her go, but I feel like dragging her there. It seems to me poor body image/bad relationship stuff is tightly entwined. I can't help but think if she felt better about herself, she wouldn't be pining for this jerk.

[leathela]

I love the advice in this thread. So many women have such fraught relationships with their bodies, when our bodies can do the most incredible things. As others have mentioned, I really think the key to appreciating and respecting your body is thanking it, literally and figuratively, for what it allows you to do.

I had an eating disorder for many years. When I was very skinny, I looked 'great' (actually, I looked sickly), but I was not strong, had no stamina, and was also not happy. I finally got tired of damaging my body and not treating it the way it deserved to be treated. I've been in remission for my ED for 3 years, and the changes I have seen in my abilities are amazing. I have the strength and endurance to take long, hard run and rides, and can now truly enjoy the sense of release, empowerment, and satisfaction that comes with recognizing what your body can achieve.

Cultivating and nurturing a healthy body image is not easy, and your views of yourself are not always consistent. I know that I have 'good' days and 'bad' days. When I made the commitment to overcome my anorexia, I gained what seemed to me a significant amount of weight. While it was weight I knew that I needed to gain, going from 95 pounds to 120 is still kind of a jump. At times, I felt quite horribly about myself. People were extremely encouraging and frequently told me how great I looked, but I didn't believe them. As validating as outside opinions can be, you will truly only feel good about yourself when you realize your value, your uniqueness, and your beauty. And sometimes you DO need to tell yourself, out loud, that you are a strong, valuable person and that your body is perfect because it is yours. I know that sounds cheesy, but it helps!

[redrhodie]

I love the advice in this thread. So many women have such fraught relationships with their bodies, when our bodies can do the most incredible things. As others have mentioned, I really think the key to appreciating and respecting your body is thanking it, literally and figuratively, for what it allows you to do.

I had an eating disorder for many years. When I was very skinny, I looked 'great' (actually, I looked sickly), but I was not strong, had no stamina, and was also not happy. I finally got tired of damaging my body and not treating it the way it deserved to be treated. I've been in remission for my ED for 3 years, and the changes I have seen in my abilities are amazing. I have the strength and endurance to take long, hard run and rides, and can now truly enjoy the sense of release, empowerment, and satisfaction that comes with recognizing what your body can achieve.

Cultivating and nurturing a healthy body image is not easy, and your views of yourself are not always consistent. I know that I have 'good' days and 'bad' days. When I made the commitment to overcome my anorexia, I gained what seemed to me a significant amount of weight. While it was weight I knew that I needed to gain, going from 95 pounds to 120 is still kind of a jump. At times, I felt quite horribly about myself. People were extremely encouraging and frequently told me how great I looked, but I didn't believe them. As validating as outside opinions can be, you will truly only feel good about yourself when you realize your value, your uniqueness, and your beauty. And sometimes you DO need to tell yourself, out loud, that you are a strong, valuable person and that your body is perfect because it is yours. I know that sounds cheesy, but it helps!

Not cheesy at all. I'm glad you've gotten through this (I had similar problems in my 20s).

Now, I have a good body image most days. On days it's not so good, I try to remember my body is just a tool, and it works really well for me, so be thankful for that.

As someone who has been there, I still haven't been able to help my friend. It's very frustrating, but also eyeopening to how I saw myself in an obscured way, and how that must have been hard for the people who love me.

[cylegoddess]

Yeah strong and STRONG! Im still having a few issues with old eating disorder ghosts, so it is great to hear about this!!
I found out today, that if you eat some sugar in middle of ride, wow! you ride home at top speed! Im not supposed to have sugar, but a little wont hurt.
I was so thingy about eating things in middle of ride, and now I feel like a idiot!
We all suffer a bit from body image, and eating thingies so its so great to have support!
And I thought she looks great in her swimmers! What is beautiful to me is that you are healthy. I as, said before, am chronically ill, so when I see ladies whizzing by me at great speeds on their bikes, often twice my size( Im pretty small) I think - wow! what a cycling goddess!! Shes gorgeous! And its made me loosen up on my idea of what I should look like, and thats so nice.

[staceysue]

I used to have a really negative body image, until I started seeing LOTS of people naked, in real life. hehe. When I became a nurse, my body image problems went away.

I worked 4 years in ER and saw hundreds of naked women of all ages, accompanied by their boyfriends/husbands, and I realized that real women honestly don't look like Hollywood women! At first it was a big shock to me when I'd see really good-looking men with women who had bodies like mine. It was confusing. I was saying things like "men sure aren't very picky."

Then - I had an epiphany! It is absolutely 100% true that Hollywood and magazines have totally skewed women's body images. It is very unusual to see a woman with a "perfect" body or even hollywood's definition of a "nice" or "acceptable" body!

It's a shame that show business doesn't do the same thing to men . . .

I'm almost 40, 5'4 and 150 lbs, and now I realize I'm in pretty darn good shape. I used to hate looking in the mirror, and now I'm proud of myself.

If you have the opportunity - get out there and look at lots of naked people!

[redrhodie]

Great post, staceysue! Thanks so much for that! It made my day.

I wish we could get young girls to see more "real" female bodies, because I suspect that will help. I wonder if the body image of the EU woman is better than ours in the US because of their more relaxed attitude to nudity?

[staceysue]

Great post, staceysue! Thanks so much for that! It made my day.

I wish we could get young girls to see more "real" female bodies, because I suspect that will help. I wonder if the body image of the EU woman is better than ours in the US because of their more relaxed attitude to nudity?

Yeah - in the US the only people who are relaxed about nudity are those who are in the top 1%.

Kind of a little tangent here - my nephew was caught looking at porn on the internet and my brother had a very good talk with him about it. He told him it was a bad idea to do that because if he got it in his head that that's what women really look (and behave) like, it would have a negative effect on his relationships later on. He made it clear to him that real women are not like that, and he'd better learn to love real women.

Not that we should be worried about whether or not men think we're good sex objects . . . but many of usare worried about that and we have to be realistic.

[Dogmama]

I
Then - I had an epiphany! It is absolutely 100% true that Hollywood and magazines have totally skewed women's body images. It is very unusual to see a woman with a "perfect" body or even hollywood's definition of a "nice" or "acceptable" body!

It's a shame that show business doesn't do the same thing to men . . .



But Hollywood is playing to an audience - us! Until our society speaks out loudly, we'll continue to be inundated with Victoria Secret women. As women, we need to object to descriptives such as "cow" or "fat pig." We should educate our daughters that buying a Victoria Secret push-up bra doesn't mean you'll look like them (especially if you have nothing to push up, like me!).

The bigger picture is that we need to redefine our definition of beauty. The best way is to vote with our pocketbook. Don't buy from stores that promote unhealthy, unattainable female body images. Write letters to the companies, to editors, tell your friends. That is the way paradigms are changed - when we realize that the old dominant paradigms no longer serve us.

<soap box off>