Any ideas for a Tahoe mtb elopement/family issues

[TrekJeni]

Geoff and I won a 3 day mtb trip (which we'll extend at our own cost) to Northstar in Tahoe. It covers airfare, hotel, lift tickets and a prepaid Visa with a chunk of change to pay for food, car rental, bike rental (or flying your own bikes), etc.

We were thinking of getting hitched while we were there and it seems like there is no shortage of companies to help with the plans. We had planned for it to be an elopement of sorts - invite the close family/friends to come but no obligation.

When breaking the ice at Thanksgiving, we got some of the "well Mom will want to be there and can't afford it, we'd like to come but summer is really tough for us, all of our 2009 vacation is scheduled, etc". Really, it's not a big deal if anyone is there. In fact we had planned on it being just Geoff and I until family started weighing in. My mother and I aren't close and might speak three times a year. Geoff's parents don't care either way. We had planned on hiring a video person and having a nice reception when we got back and thought that would be "good" enough.

I guess I'm just trying to rationalize it all. It's our trip and why not make it our wedding and honeymoon all in one? It has to be taken this summer per the contest rules.

Do we seem selfish? We're scared that we'd feel obligated to entertain non riding family and I'm just peeing in my pants to ride mtb's at Tahoe. I wouldn't want to look back and be bummed that we didn't go off and do our own thing...

As far as ideas, we had thought about the top of the chair lift at Northstar and then riding down the trail as Mr. and Mrs. but then I've had those "I want the white dress" moments and am trying to figure out how to tie it all together. Should we do the traditional "by the lake" setting and then ride later or try to pull off a "real" mtb wedding? Wonder how hard it would be to find someone ordained that rides or that matter a videographer that rides! :D

Anyone get married in Tahoe or close enough to share anything?

Jeni

[badgercat]

I don't have any experience with the Tahoe area but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. It sounds like a great opportunity to have the wedding YOU want, and I'm a firm believer that that's how weddings should be--what is best for the happy couple, without all that stress. I've never been married, so maybe I don't have much authority on this topic, but I've seen my share of friends and friends-of-friends blow their pocketbooks (and their sanity) on weddings. Of course, it's important to consider the feelings of your family or whatnot, but to me you don't sound selfish at all.

Does your family live close to you? There's always the possibility that you could elope to Tahoe, and have a party when you get home to share pictures from your trip over a fancy cake (or whatever your party food of choice is). :D It would give your family/friends an opportunity to celebrate with you, without them feeling like they have to travel to the actual ceremony to do so.

Just some ideas to mull over. Again, good luck and congratulations!

EDIT: wow, I should have read your post more closely. I completely missed the line where you said you were already thinking about having a reception at home after the trip. *smacks forehead* well--carry on. :o

[bmccasland]

I think you should thoroughly enjoy your Tahoe trip. If you have a wedding there or not is up to you. If you do, then have a reception back home to make the parental units happy.

Way back when... I was planning my wedding, my Mom piped up that she thought I ought to have the ceremony at my Grandmother's (in another state, where neither of us lived). I asked her if she was volunteering dearest Grandmama to do all the work, or did she want me to do all the wedding planning? I had my ceremony and reception where I wanted, and Grandmama was more than happy to fly in.

So go off, get hitched, or not. BUT there is one TE rule... we want pictures! :D:cool::D

[tulip]

It sounds like what you want is not an elopement--that would be NOT telling folks. Now that you've told them, well, of course they are going to weigh in. Step back and think about what you and Geoff want to do and who you want to be there. If you tell your family about it, it makes me (and probably them) think that you want them there. To me it sounds like you are sending mixed messages.

I got married overseas, but we had a mock-wedding (dress and everything) in the US for people who could not make it overseas. We exchanged vows but were not legally married in the US--that had to wait for the other country. It worked out well...best wishes to you and Geoff.

[SouthernBelle]

Another option would be to have an informal ceremony before you leave and then Tahoe for your honeymoon.

But that's just a suggestion. Do whatever you want.

[SheFly]

So, I've been married twice. The first time was with the whole big family to-do, white dress, etc. It was a challenge to plan, and we ended up with even my Great Aunts and Uncles in attendance, since they all had opinions to share. It was a nice day, but the stress was brutal, and apparently, it didn't do much for the marriage either ;).

When I married DH, we truly eloped. We had been engaged for a couple of months, and we both knew when and where, but didn't tell anyone beforehand. We were married in our town on a Friday, and went to the Cape for the weekend. It was glorious - no stress, just us doing what we enjoyed - riding, walking on the beach and enjoying our first days as husband and wife. When we got home from the weekend, we called our families to let them know. They were all happy for us, although mom was disappointed she wasn't going to get a new dress ;).

A wise friend of mine, after one failed marriage, has said that our focus should not be on the wedding, but on the marriage. Words of wisdom.

So, I guess you can see where I am leaning here. Ultimately, as others have said, you need to do what makes you and Geoff happy. I just wanted to give you perspective based on my experience. I have no regrets about eloping what-so-ever. But, that's what worked for me.

Best wishes to you and Geoff, whatever you decide!

SheFly

[Biciclista]

it's your wedding, have pictures taken, have fun.
in 30 years do you want to look back and fuss about compromises you made or do you want to look back and smile; "we started this marriage the way we wanted"

[Aint Doody]

I'd say go for it, too. You will have the type of memories that you want instead of wishing you'd listened to your heart.

By the way, what was the contest? Will it happen again? I want to enter.:D

[Blueberry]

Think about what you and Geoff want, and do it! Even if it doesn't make everyone else happy. It sounds to me like you might be happier just having a private ceremony in Tahoe early in your trip, enjoying the riding, and then only dealing with family at a reception when you get home. Nothing wrong with that, if it's what will make you happy.

One of my big regrets is that we gave up doing what we wanted to do because no one else liked it. We still had a nice wedding, but it wasn't what we really wanted. Basically, we gave up what we wanted and paid a lot of $$ to make other people happy. Not really a good idea in my book:)

[BarbaraAlys]

I agree with all of those that are telling you to do what you want, not what you think your family wants. You will not please all of them anyway, and really this is about YOU not about them.

I made compramises for my wedding that I wish I had not because I was going for family harmony. Guess what...the family is just as dysfunctional as it was before. The marriage didn't last, but it might be the only wedding I will ever have and I wish that I had just done it all my way.

Barbara Alys

[Zen]

Do we seem selfish? :D




No. They do.
You're a grown woman. Do this with no hesitation. Don't live your life trying not to disappoint your family members. If they love you they'll understand and you can celebrate at a more mutually convenient date.

If you don't do it you'll regret it when you're older.
Believe me.

[GraysonKelly]

I agree with everyone else...you two should do what you want to do. If you're family is making a big deal out of it and you want to, maybe let them help you plan another ceremony or reception for when you get back so that they can celebrate with you. Personally, I'd go with the reception thing.
It sounds like this Tahoe thing is really special to you and Jeff so I think you should go with your plans.
I don't know anything about Tahoe, but maybe ya'll could wait until the end of the trip and then stay somewhere really nice where you could get married. Or if the route you're taking for mtb is accessible via car or ATV maybe you could arrange for a photographer and minister (or whoever you're using) to come out to you. Just some suggestions.
Gray

[Triskeliongirl]

I agree with the posters that said have the wedding you want, and then follow it with a welcome reception when you get back to celebrate with local family and friends that couldn't make it.

[eclectic]

Trekjeni - Whoo hoo first of all congrats on winning a GREAT TRIP ! ! !

I have no input on how to plan a Tahoe Mtn bike wedding but I second, third, or fourth the motion - do what YOU both want!
If his parents don't care and you aren't close to your mom, it isn't a big deal to go off for the ceremony.

I did the whole big wedding thing and would never do it again and would encourage my children not to do it. Waste of time, energy and money. I would have a celebratory reception though.

Best wishes on your marriage however it happens :)

[Selkie]

Jeni

Do what makes you happy. Listen to your heart on this. If your family is close, you can always follow up w/a reception.

My husband and I eloped -- took an afternoon off and went to the courthouse! Shocked everyone, including myself (lol). While we were engaged and planning a small church wedding, our deciding to elope was a true impulse. Our families each gave us small "home" receptions, inviting just relatives & close friends. Very low key but perfect.

Twenty years later, we are still going strong.

Ended up getting married by a priest later (in my off-the-boat Irish/Catholic family, a necessity), but that was still just parents, us & the priest. A big wedding never appealed to me, primarily because I'm an introvert and don't like being the center of attention. Also, I'm too practical - we would have had to foot the bill ourselves. We used the money we would have spent on a wedding to buy our first house, a few months after we eloped.

[TrekJeni]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

I guess I didn't explain myself well enough before and there was some confusion. I'm not that good at being a "girl" and don't know all the wedding terminology. When I said elopement, I meant I envisioned just the two of us and some sort of licensed person to make it legal. Just the two of us because I didn't think anyone else would be able to afford it or be able to take the time off. We weren't concerned about no one seeing it as we will probably hire some videographre person so we can play the ceremony at the reception when we get back home.

I didn't realize that elopement meant "shhh it's a secret!"

Again, thanks for the info. We'll keep you posted on how it all turns out!

Jeni

[msincredible]

We just did this two weeks ago, at San Francisco City Hall. :D
It was just us, the officiant, and one friend who was our witness and unofficial photographer.

4 people knew in advance besides the friend: my parents (they were all for it), his mom (also all for it), and his brother (against it).

We'll probably have some sort of casual party to serve as a reception/house-warming for our friends sometime next year (we're also in the process of buying a house).

I wouldn't do it any other way.

Best wishes! :)

[Tuckervill]

They were all happy for us, although mom was disappointed she wasn't going to get a new dress .

The reason so many parents are upset when their kids elope is because it is very painful to be excluded from something so important in the life of someone you love. Perhaps it's a case of the parent being publicly reminded that things aren't the way they'd hoped between the parent and child. Perhaps it feels like a slap in the face to be excluded from the wedding after all the parents have done for the child. Perhaps it's the once in a lifetime nature (supposedly) of a wedding, and parents don't want to miss it. Perhaps they just want to share in the happiness. Perhaps the child really is too young, and really will regret it later.

Whatever the reason parents are upset about being excluded, whether valid or not, if you care for your parents in any way, you owe them an explanation of your feelings. Don't just slap them upside the head with it and say "we're not close". Take their feelings into consideration. Be proactive about what you want, and sensitive about how it affects others, because it does. And the wound can last a long time.

Karen

[Pedal Wench]

We just did this two weeks ago, at San Francisco City Hall. :D
It was just us, the officiant, and one friend who was our witness and unofficial photographer.

4 people knew in advance besides the friend: my parents (they were all for it), his mom (also all for it), and his brother (against it).

We'll probably have some sort of casual party to serve as a reception/house-warming for our friends sometime next year (we're also in the process of buying a house).

I wouldn't do it any other way.

Best wishes! :)

Congrats!!! And welcome to TE! Are you the same Ms. Incredible from BikeForums? Welcome!

[msincredible]

Congrats!!! And welcome to TE! Are you the same Ms. Incredible from BikeForums? Welcome!

Yes and thanks! :)

[sundial]

I've learned that weddings are for the parents.

With that being said, if you choose to have a wedding on your trip, maybe consider having a formal reception upon your return. That will give your family and friends an opportunity to share in your new union. :)

[malkin]

I got married in Reno at a place called the Commission for Civil Marriage (or something like that) and we like to joke that we've been committing civil marriage ever since. I think it cost $35.00. I highly recommend it. Especially if you value civility.
:)

Best wishes for a rich and generous love!

[TrekJeni]

The reason so many parents are upset when their kids elope is because it is very painful to be excluded from something so important in the life of someone you love. Perhaps it's a case of the parent being publicly reminded that things aren't the way they'd hoped between the parent and child. Perhaps it feels like a slap in the face to be excluded from the wedding after all the parents have done for the child. Perhaps it's the once in a lifetime nature (supposedly) of a wedding, and parents don't want to miss it. Perhaps they just want to share in the happiness. Perhaps the child really is too young, and really will regret it later.

Whatever the reason parents are upset about being excluded, whether valid or not, if you care for your parents in any way, you owe them an explanation of your feelings. Don't just slap them upside the head with it and say "we're not close". Take their feelings into consideration. Be proactive about what you want, and sensitive about how it affects others, because it does. And the wound can last a long time.

Karen

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! :D And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

[indysteel]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! :D And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

Wow, your mom sounds a lot like mine. My parents have never expressed much interest or enthusiam for the happier aspects of my life. In fact, my mom explicitly told me years ago that she didn't want to know anything about my love life. So, I keep most of it to myself. They know I'm dating someone now, but they've never met him (and have expressed no interest in doing so) and have no idea how serious it is. They barely even remember his name. It's heartbreaking when I dwell on it, but I try not to. It helps that I've had years of therapy to deal with my family's many deficiencies.

So I, too, would prefer to get married privately. My parents know that and, frankly, seemed a little relieved. Even if they were hurt, however, I'd still marry privately, and I doubt that I'd give much of an explanation for my decision. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate my parents, and we actually have a cordial relationship. But it is glaringly superficial, and at the age of
39, I have no interest in creating some fiction for the sole purpose of my wedding. It would be insincere at best, painful at worst.

I'm happy that the average family isn't like this. For that reason, I understand why most brides and grooms want their family present at their wedding. For me, however, having a wedding that is just about me and my intended, not only makes more sense, but is a critical act of self-preservation. I hope that it represents a line in the sand between my family of origin and my own family.

With all of that said, I'm not telling you to thumb your nose at your family. But I do think your wedding is an event that should ideally fulfill your own needs and wishes first and foremost. To the extent that you can factor in other people's needs and wishes, then great. But if you can't, then so be it.

In any event, I wish you and Geoff the best in your life together. Congratulations!!!!

[GraysonKelly]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! :D And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

I agree with what Karen said, to an extent, but it doesn't sound like that applies to your situation. My mother was a lot like yours for most of my life, it's only been in the last couple of years that we've managed any kind of civility. While I understand being conscious of other's feelings, ultimately you have to do what's best for you and protect yourself, even from your family. It may seem callous but it sounds to me like you told her. If you feel that your announcement to marry Geoff needs a one-on-one conversation with your mom, then do it. But insulate yourself as best you can if she doesn't respond at all or responds negatively. That way the ball is in her court and you can go ahead with your own plans. Let your friend or family plan a reception for you upon your return so that you can celebrate with them.
Good luck,
Gray

[Tuckervill]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! :D And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

It was directed to the subject matter, not you, personally. I, too, agree that people should have the wedding that pleases them, not the parents. But I also think taking into consideration the feelings of others is always called for.

Some families are so dysfunctional that a small gesture like considering the others' feelings is like spitting into the sea. It won't be recognized and it won't change anything. But at least you (generic you) would know you tried.

Karen

[vinbek]

To weigh in on the mtb side of things, I have biked at North Star. You ride the chair lifts up and your bike is on the lift behind you. The trails that we rode were very technical single track with big rocks to ride over and 90 degree off camber turns. It was fun but lots of work. Be prepared to get a few scratches. That being said, follow your gut feeling about when and where to get married. I never could please my mother and discovered a bit later in life, that all I need to do is please myself - my wedding, my memories. It will be wonderful no matter what you choose.

[cogmarks]

I have been married three times, so I have had the hometown white wedding, the courthouse, and a Las Vegas chapel wedding. The Las Vegas wedding was by far the most fun. We were by ourselves and had a great time.

I have vacationed at Lake Tahoe, and I think it is wonderful.

I wish you luck with whatever you do.

Betsy

[Zen]

If I ever get married again it will be by an Elvis impersonator (or Elvis if he's free that day) in Vegas

[sundial]

Free entertainment at the reception.