to funeral or not to funeral?

[TsPoet]

I've always felt funerals were for the living, or at least that's been my excuse not to go.
A good friend from work died very unexpectedly Monday. The autopsy results have not been released, but almost had to be a heart attach, she was 52.
This woman was well known at work, always smiling and laughing and just one of those people that everyone loved. We were also friends outside work, going to an occasional dinner, taking an art class together, that sort of thing. Driving by the Castle Superstore on Monday I had to pull over from a memory that had me laughing and crying.
I don't want to go to her funeral tomorrow, but a couple of people have told me that my omission will be noticed and not looked upon kindly. I've never met her 2 grown sons, her sister, or her father. So, the only folks that will notice/care about me not being there are coworkers.
I don't feel the need for a funeral for myself. I'd rather go back to the Castle store parkinglot and laugh/cry.
Would you go?

[Pedal Wench]

No one wants to go to funerals. I always feel that it's best to live my life without regrets. If you'll ever regret not going to pay your respects, then you should go. Perhaps share the Castle Superstore story with her family. They might like knowing that she has a friend like you.

Then go have a laugh/cry afterwards.

But, that's just me.

[Fredwina]

Reminds me when my Dad died, and my nephews wanted to mourn instead being the pallbarers. Mom told them that it was the last thing they could ever do for Grandpa.
And going to the funeral is the last thing you'll ever do for your coworker - Yes, I know you want to curl up and cry - I had a coworker die in January - but I think being with folks and reliving what she meant to will, in the long run, prove more benefical than mouring by yourself.

[SouthernBelle]

Go at least to visitation if not the funeral. The funeral is not for her nor is it for you. It's for her family. Even though it doesn't seem so at the time, they will know of every person who came by. You don't have to stay long. Just put in an appearance.

[Aggie_Ama]

Good advice already given and I say go.

My father was hurt that he has worked for the same office for 13 years (now 18) and only one person came to his father's funeral or visitation. His father once repaired equipment for the office, my dad is an only child and it was known how close he was to his dad amongst his office. The only person who came considers my family friends, not co-workers. The funeral was less than 20 minutes from the office. So yes, you co-workers are right and yes people take count whether they should or not.

I think it would be respectful to go to the visitation or funeral whether you want to or not. I went to my SIL's mother's funeral as a sign of support and respect. I had only met the woman once but I felt it was right. It is customary in Texas to do such a thing and that is how I was raised.

I do not want a funeral myself. I want a big party. My own opinion is funerals are stuffy and cold, for the family. But I go to many because that is how us southern kiddos are raised.

[Cataboo]

When my father had cancer & eventually died - there were 2 co-workers that came over to visit him when he was going through chemo, and those were the 2 that came to visit the family during the first visitation day. I know one of them became absolutely furious, and went in the next day and gave a bunch of people hell... And several co-workers showed up the next night.

While I don't know that I wanted anyone guilt tripped into showing up - it was nice to hear a lot of stories about my father in an environment I'd never seen him in and it was appreciated.

[melissam]

Tspoet,

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your coworker and friend.

My mom's identical twin died in a car accident when she was 33. Since then, my mom has gone to every funeral/memorial service she has been invited to. I finally asked her why, and she said that she does it because it meant so much to her that people showed up for her sister's funeral all those years ago. Needless to say, since hearing this, I now go to every funeral/memorial service that I'm invited to. After all, if my presence can give the grieving family even a little bit of comfort, who am I to deny them of it?

- Melissa

[spindizzy]

I also think you should go.

Not because your not being there would be "noticed," but because you honour her memory by being there. If you could share that moment that made you laugh/cry with the family - I'm sure it would mean the world to them. They would see her through your eyes. I love to share stories - they offer such a unique perspective..

my thoughts...

[badger]

there was a discussion recently on Dear Abby of all places. It was written by a man who was losing his wife to cancer. They have 3 kids, and one of them, a teenage boy, did not want to go to her funeral (this is when she was still alive). He wanted to remember her as she was alive, not having a big memory of what happened when she died.

The discussion surrounded with people saying that everyone grieves differently, and if he did not want to go, then he shouldn't be forced to go. It bounced around from both sides. Then a few months later, there was an update, saying that the wife had passed away, and the son eventually decided to attend, and that he was glad he did.

[TsPoet]

wow, thanks to everyone. And thanks for the quick answers.
I will definitely go. In fact, I've arranged to carpool with someone else from work who is going - so I can't forget or come up with an excuse.
based on your input I have a different attitude and if it's possible to "happily" go to a funeral, that's what I'll be doing. It doesn't seem like a chore anymore, but rather something positive to do with my day tomorrow.

thank you.

[ginny]

I'm sorry for the loss of a friend. A couple of years ago, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. He was a right b@$t@rd... he physically and sexually abused my mother, and I shall never forgive him. His wife, my grandma loved him though, and I love her, so I went.

Office politics are weird. I don't play the games; if it isn't family, I might just send a letter to her family afterwards sharing a story or how special your friend was to you. Letters last, and as others have said, I think the family may appreciate knowing about how special their mother was to other people - later, when they can digest it is fine I think... but, as the Christmas thread has pointed out about life in general, do what you think is best.

[Possegal]

I will probably just reiterate a few things others have said but, I'm an Irishman, we do funerals well. :)

I agree, funerals are for the living, all the more reason for me to go. I remember how very touched I was at the people who showed for my mother and my father. Maybe I didn't know them, but it meant so much to me to see that they had touched the lives of people I didn't even know. When Mum died, my sister was talking to this older woman and as I walked by, she grabbed me and said, you have to hear this - this woman had been on the Amtrak with my mother the previous Christmas season, when I sent her a ticket to go to Philly where I met up with her at my sister's house and we went to NYC to see the lights and a play. She saw Mum's obit in the paper and told us "I just had to come and tell her kids that those were the sweetest 6 hrs I never expected to have". Would I have noticed that she wasn't there, of course not. But do I still tear up now, 9 years later, knowing that my mother had such an impact on this woman, sure do! Like spindizzy says, hearing stories you may never have heard, well they take a little bit of the pain away, and I appreciate everyone that has done that for me when I was mourning a loved one. For some reason, the funeral home is always a good place for those stories. Again, could be partly the Irish thing. ;)

My father was obsessed with funerals and with knowing that some people's are so sparsely attended, believing that it somehow reflected on the person. He made us promise we would get the smallest room in the funeral home for him, so it wouldn't look so empty. My brother messed up, got the largest room. It was standing room only. Dad forgot how much he meant to people he had known (one guy came who gave Dad his first job, 50 yrs prior to his death) and also he forgot how many people would come because of his 6 kids, many never having met him.

My mother always told us of how her father went to so many funerals that she finally asked him "Pop, do you LIKE funerals that much?" He told her "No one likes to go, but it is the people that don't go that you remember, and I never want to be remembered that way". That sticks in my family, several generations later.

Now given that you don't really know the family, I would say that your lack of presence wouldn't really be noticed by them. But your presence will, and it will matter to the family, even if they don't know you, they know that their mother meant enough to you that you went someplace none of us like to go.

Condolences on the loss of your friend and glad you have decided to go.

[Adventure Girl]

This really turned into a beautiful thread.

TsPoet, I'm sorry for your loss. I think you gained a little from what has been posted here. I know I did!

Thank you, TE.

[wildhawk]

When my mother was dying from cancer it was her co-workers that ran support for my family - especially my Dad and when she died at age 53 - it was her co-workers that supported us through the funeral and afterwards - bringing dishes to the house, helping with the out of town family members, etc. Funerals are not easy to attend, but the family does notice who is there. I found great comfort in getting to know some of my Mom’s co-workers - she was also very well liked and respected. Lately, the funerals I have attended have been “celebrations” of the person’s life and not at all the traditional funeral service. I prefer to remember my friends and family the way I remembered them in life and choose to celebrate that memory and the impact they had on my life. Everyone mourns in his or her own way. If you choose not to attend the funeral, then it would certainly be appropriate to send some flowers and write the family a letter and let them know how much she meant to you. I have several letters from my Mom’s friends who could not attend her funeral and I keep them close to my heart after all these years. They told me some very funny stories about her and I cherish those memories. Hugs to you as you mourn your friend - she will live on in your heart and memories.

[Aggie_Ama]

My Pawpaw still lived where the mail carrier walked to each house and personally delivered the mail. He befriended the woman who carried his and bought Diet Coke and Tootsie rolls for her. She came to his funeral and told us that story then said she hadn't been to a funeral since her mother died 20 years earlier but for Mr. Norris (his first name) she couldn't not come. Five years later the thought and story still has me tearing up. I think that is what I get from this thread, the unexpected people who show up sometimes make the biggest impact on a grieving family.

TSPoet- I am glad you have chosen to honor your friend, I hope the funeral will bring you comfort. Remember the story that made you smile, share it with a friend or relative of hers. You never know you may be their bright spot like my Pawpaw's mail carrier.

[indysteel]

I generally go to the visitation rather than the funeral unless I personally knew the deceased and then I try to go to both. I also send a sympathy card. I've grown to appreciate just how much it means to people.

[sbctwin]

I am sorry TsPoet for the loss of your friend. I would go to the funeral to say goodbye and to be a presence because your were her friend. I don't often go to funerals because they are usually during work hours, but I go when someone has touched me in a very personal way. I recently went to a funeral of an 86 yr old man that I only knew because we would 'chat' after mass about my bike rides. He touched me in such a special way with only a few minutes each week. Funerals are sad, but can be joyous in that you get to say 'goodbye' in a special way.

[evangundy]

I have attended every funeral that I could for friends or family, since I was in my early teens. I had to miss my paternal grandma's since it was too far away (Mom & Dad went - us kids stayed with aunt & uncle) - I had really wanted to go because she passed on my 12th birthday. I don't know why I felt that way, since I had only met her three times in my life. But I think because I didn't go, I listened to all the talk I could when the folks came back, and I can remember them talking about all the people who were there; they were surprised how many; how much it meant that so&so was there even though it had been umpteen years since they'd seen them; old neighbors, church members, Moose club members, etc. It made them feel proud that their mom had touched so many lives that they hadn't known about. Guess all that talk made an impression on me at that young age.

Some of the funerals, I only made an appearance, stayed only 1/2 hour, but others I ended up spending all day, visiting and reminiscing. Each one is different, but it's a chance to say goodbye and to see and hear things about that person that you might not have known. So far, all have been positive.

I think you'll be glad you went. Sounds like she was a friend you'll miss. I'm sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to her family. Her dying young and unexpectedly will be hard on them.

And when my time comes, tspoet, I want you to help remind Dave that I want a party, not a funeral. My ashes are to be spread, some on the coast at the Recumbent Retreat, and some in the Canadian Rockies. My sister thinks I need a real funeral and burial, so I told her we would send her some of my ashes and she can have a party/funeral/burial for me back home. I don't know if she realized I was serious.

Edna

[PamNY]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

You started an interesting discussion and you've gotten good advice. I think attending the funeral or visitation (or both) is good. I also think condolence notes are often very meaningful and comforting to the bereaved, as is a small memorial donation.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that the note doesn't have to be brilliant, the flowers don't have to be perfect, the donation doesn't have to be huge, and if I can't make the funeral that's okay. The important thing is to do something to acknowledge the importance of the person who has gone.

Pam

[Tuckervill]

wow, thanks to everyone. And thanks for the quick answers.
I will definitely go. In fact, I've arranged to carpool with someone else from work who is going - so I can't forget or come up with an excuse.
based on your input I have a different attitude and if it's possible to "happily" go to a funeral, that's what I'll be doing. It doesn't seem like a chore anymore, but rather something positive to do with my day tomorrow.

thank you.

I'm so happy you changed your mind. I admire people who can do that so gracefully.

The others have said how important it is for the family that people come. My experience has been similar.

My husband's bookkeeper died after a long battle with cancer, leaving her husband and 9 yo son. We had only known her for 3-4 years, while all the rest of the employees had known her much longer. However, she greatly admired my husband, which he didn't really know. When we arrived at the funeral home for visitation, through the large crowd, her sisters and her mother were falling over themselves to greet him, and tell hm how much he meant to her, and to thank him for treating her so well in her last years. He was stunned, and one of the only times I've seen him tearful in front of others. He had no idea that she talked about him so much.

So, you never know what impact you have on others, and it's good for everyone involved to find out once in a while. It would be really nice if you could connect with at least one member of her family, and tell that story.

Karen

[TsPoet]

It was a nice service. Her eldest son told me the family had been discussing the number of people who had come from work, He said they had no idea she had so many friends. It was standing room only.

(Edna, I will keep Dave in line. I love it, the bent retreat, 50th annual, probably)

[jobob]

Very glad that you went, sounds like it was a good experience.