Christmas Drama

[smurfalicious]

So my mom called the other day. She wants to fly me home for Christmas. Please excuse my utter lack of enthusiasm.

I don't want to go home. To make matters worse we're apparently having Christmas at my little brother's place with his perfect little family and his wonderful job and blah blah blah. My mom puts my brothers on a pedestal and makes me feel like crap. I've told her I can't really get the time off being so new in my job but that's not working. I can't tell if she feels guilty or is sincere. So yeah I feel like butt right now. I'd rather just buy myself a trainer, or a BMX bike and call it good. My family doesn't get my hobbies and I'd rather just opt out and treat myself to something. And, mom has a new girlfriend I don't even know and meeting her at Christmas has zero appeal.

Meh, I used to love Christmas but every year it sucks more and more. My older brother owns his house and has a great girlfriend and a great job, little brother is married with a kid and is a sheriff's deputy, and there's me who got engaged to a guy they all hated and got cheated on. Go me!

Second problem, since I probably can't get out of gifts. My brothers are both involved as I mentioned and I end up buying gifts for my brother and their SO and I get an "us" gift. Sucks for me because it ain't cheap buying them all gifts. What is the proper etiquette here? Can I do the same? Nice household gift for my married brother, maybe a restaurant gift certificate for my older bro and his girlfriend?

Baaaah friggin humbug! I just want someone who loves me this much, in zebra please: http://www.intensebmx.com/racebikes/IBK9RPX-1.html

Love and Cookies!
-HillBill
The Grinch Who Hates Christmas

[Irulan]

Do what feels right for you. I think a huge amount of energy gets eaten up by expectations and obligations. We ( our family, DH and I ) absolutely refuse to get sucked into the spending thing for even our kids. We have very small, non commercial holidays. Sometimes we order pizza. We quit traveling hundreds of miles very early on - just won't do it.

IMSHO, nothing wrong with not buying gifts you can't afford, or just getting what is in your budget. It's not a freaking contest with a winner. IF your family thinks it IS a contest, you are better off without them.

I find I enjoy family visits so much more when it's other times of the years.

[shootingstar]

Your mom probably does genuinely wants all her brood together for Christmas. It's normal..for alot of parents. However you won't be able to resolve stuff in 1 visit with her.

Instead of mother spending money on your plane ticket, tell her to save some of it for a birthday gift for you next year.

Sounds like if you visited each of your brothers individually, things aren't too bad without your mother around to make comparisons? Which is what you might choose to do next visit. Have meaningful visits with each family member separately first.

I miss having Christmas with my immediate family and 5 siblings with their families. No, my family is not perfect either. I have learned that when one lives a plane flight away (3 hrs. long), it can /will take several years to resolve the underlying bigger stuff. Alot of it just can't be done by phone. Since it is costly to fly, I see them once a year or less. But now I haven't seen them for 18 months. :(

Sounds like your gift ideas are quite good. No need to apologize for being underbudget. You need to do gift-giving within your budget. You also are creative with your photography. Could always add something that you produced.

[snapdragen]

Gifts to "them" rather than separately are perfectly acceptable. You could take it a step further and make a donation in their names to their local food bank or some other charity. I started doing this last year, it works out wonderfully.

[planetluvver]

I sympathize with you. My advice is to do whatever you want to do. It is crazy to try to please family members who won't be pleased with us anyway. Besides, do they really need to know that you bought yourself a bike?

I heard some great advice one time about getting into debt for the holidays, but I wish I could credit the source. He said that we need to think whether the person we are gifting would WANT us to buy something that we couldn't afford. And if they would still want the present, knowing that it will cause us hardship, then is this person really someone who cares about us?

DISCLAIMER: I am such a humbug at Christmas. I go shopping on Christmas Eve for little indulgences for myself, and I inwardly am smug at all the stressed out, grumpy people needing that last little 'thing' to get the holiday right. I just want to tell them, "Go home! Put your feet up! And RELAX! It's supposed to be a HOLIDAY!"

[shootingstar]

Interesting about how gift-giving is dealt with in different families. I recall when I was a teenager, being totally shocked by a close friend of mine same age, who spent several hundred dollars per person on Christmas gifts. She came from a middle-class family and held down a part-time waitressing job.

I don't think I will ever get to the point of giving to charity via immediate family member's name for Christmases. I do like giving SOMETHING to each person.

In past years, if there were times I didn't have enough money or I was feeling especially creative I did make something for each family member. This is perfectly acceptable in my family...as long as one treats other person "equitably". meaning if I plan to save money by making gifts or spending less money, then I give equally inexpensive gifts to each person. If I spend money on each sibling, it is generally approx. $30.00-$35.00 per person. Believe or not, one can get some interesting/useful gifts. It just takes abit of time. I do my Christmas shopping over several months. (Do also remember, there's also the individual birthday gift-giving. So in a big family, that adds up.)

That generally has been the unspoken standard in our family. The only exception..is that we each tend to give more to our parents....they did spend enough money and effort raising each of us at least the lst 21 years of our lives.

My father just has a govn't pension (he was a restaurant cook) and my mother never worked outside home. I write cheques...they no longer want things to clutter their home. They are at a stage, where they are slowly giving away things to their adult kids now. (And it's better when it's a big family. Avoids family feuds later on.)

[snapdragen]

Oh, I still give them smaller gifts, nothing elaborate. It was actually my SIL who suggested I donate to the food bank in her name, I just expanded it to the rest of the tribe. :D

[smurfalicious]

Thanks ladies. I know I don't want to go home. Really, I can't. To go home for under a cajillion dollars would require nearly a week or more off. I just keep hoping someone is going to say something that will make me feel less like crap for not wanting to go.

It seems so wrong to say "Don't get me anything because I'm opting out this year," because if I buy a BMX bike karma predicts that I will wreck bad and have some 'splainin to do! I know my mom has probably already bought me stuff, ugh. Last years gift was pretty amazing so honestly, don't need much. The things I want I'm not comfortable asking for. "Please to put money in savings account number XXXXXX for to purchase shiny shiny Colnago CX-1."

I really don't even know what to get people. I feel so detached from them. It's not like they've made any noble efforts to stay in touch, but complain that I'm not calling them all the time. It's like I dropped off the face of the earth. Then again, my family has always stayed pretty centralized so I broke the mold moving 1200 miles away.

I just want to tell them that I feel more comfortable right now celebrating with my tribe out here that saw me through hell and back in the last year. They see family in black and white, to me family is people who love you and care about you. Doubt they could ever understand.

[shootingstar]

I really don't even know what to get people. I feel so detached from them. It's not like they've made any noble efforts to stay in touch, but complain that I'm not calling them all the time. It's like I dropped off the face of the earth. Then again, my family has always stayed pretty centralized so I broke the mold moving 1200 miles away.

I just want to tell them that I feel more comfortable right now celebrating with my tribe out here that saw me through hell and back in the last year. They see family in black and white, to me family is people who love you and care about you. Doubt they could ever understand.

You don't have to tell your family that your friends are closer than your family. That actually can be quite hurtful and you may regret this not now..but in a few ...decades.

And I'm from a family where I get uh...an email from someone every few months or a phone call. When we all lived in same city, I had communication from a family member maybe every 1-3 wks. This type of frequency doesn't mean we don't love each other or don't care, ..we just aren't keeping tabs on each other so tightly because we have our own lives.

For the longest time, I used think my mother was abit nuts when she was happy when ie. 2 of her daughters would go on a vacation together or whatever. Now I realize...that's one of the reasons why she and Dad chose to have more than 1 child....to give us companions for life.

It's taken us a LONG time smurf, for our family to get to where we are now....after riproarin' arguments, tears,etc. We are closer ..and abit kinder to each other. :)

[lph]

aaaahhhh - families are difficult, Christmas is difficult. It helps if you have a feeling for what the rest of the family really feels about Christmas. I've realized that even though I don't want to have those expectations (it's just a few days in December, for crying out loud! How about the rest of the year! :mad:) I do still have the feeling that I should spend those days with my family and at peace with them. Which is a pretty tall order considering that I come from an extremely individualistic family where everybody spins off like their own little satellite doing what they feel like the rest of the year. So I try to see everybody, but I no longer feel any need to gather everybody at once.

Yes, you should do what you feel, but if everybody does that chances are somebody is unhappy. If this really is important to your mother and your siblings, you might want to join them just to make them happy. If you can avoid hurt feelings by a few thoughtful gifts (no, they most definitely don't have to be expensive) and telling them you'd rather come see them later, do so.

No matter how you choose to deal with it, you're stuck with your family for the rest of your life - or their lives, which was brought forcibly to my attention when I lost my brother a few years ago. We were not close, which in fact made it worse, in some ways, because we had never been, and now, could never be "companions for life", as shootingstar eloquently out it. I spent a lot of time mourning the loss of the "companion for life" I'd never had. I'm not saying you should go on down and pretend to be closer than you are, just that it's not surprising at all if you feel that the connection to your family is more complicated than to your friends, and you may find out at some point that the connection is stronger than you thought.

-longwindedly yrs, lph

[uforgot]

Here's what helped me. Do you have health insurance? Go talk to a counselor. A lifelong comparison to a favored sibling can do a lot of damage and you don't even know it. They see things we aren't even aware of. It can only help as you are obviously struggling with this. You may think it's overkill, but it can only help.

I"ll be thinking of you and let us know how it goes.

[OakLeaf]

Aw Smurf, I so hear you.

We're lucky that the financial end of it isn't an issue, but it takes me weeks or months to recover emotionally from those holiday visits. They've been rare, but my dad is in very poor health and my F-I-L is 92 years old, so the obligation to visit while we can is piling up.

I don't have any good advice... just empathy. (((((Smurf)))))

[Pax]

My SO and I opted out of Christmas a few years ago, we got a great rate on a gorgeous room in downtown Chicago and spent four days going from hot tub to pool to sauna, and then out to eat...it was heavenly!

It was also incredibly hard to explain and to deal with family so I definitely feel for you.

[pardes]

What I would do is think about what the concept of Christmas means to me and separate it from what is has become - an often forced, miserable, expensive excuse for families to pretend that are living a perfect life.

You are an adult now and can decide what you want your family to mean to you and what you want to mean to your family. There is a lot of personal responsibility attached to that. Sometimes it means continually trying to fix communication problems and sometimes it means needing to separate from them. It all depends on how toxic the situation is.

Some people abide by the directive to "honor our parents." That means honor them in spite of their shortcomings that all of us have. However, it does not mean we are required to subject ourselves to all the emotional fallout.

Give yourself a Christmas present, the right to be yourself within the context of a difficult family.

My family situation was toxic and I had to separate myself from them for decades. I took care of my mother at the time of her death. No one else came. In the last days and hours of her life, going in and out of consciousness, she only wanted to hold my hand and continually say, "I love you. Forgive me."

No forgiveness is needed (to ask be asked for or granted) and love is always there waiting to bloom again when we honor the light within ourselves and the light within others. Celebrate the light of Christmas.

[uforgot]

Well said Pardes.

[Velobambina]

1++++ Pardes. Will you be my Zen Master?

I agree. Do what's healthy for you. I don't think Karma will "pay" you for following your heart.

[short cut sally]

Smurf only you can decide what is right for you and only you..Yes, family may influence you to what they think is best for you, but only you can make that decision. Do what is best for you and make sure the result is something you can live with.
As far as gift exchanging...heres what my family does. On Christmas Eve every one of us gets together at my oldest brothers house, and we have a simple meal, and everyone brings a dish to pass. There are no gifts exchanged, after all, we are adults and we all have this need to buy whatever we want all year long. For us, it is much more enjoyable to just gather around the tv or the table and snack and eat all night long. We socialize with whom we want to and ignore those we want to. Heck, my brother has all he can do to pull the little ceramic tree out of the attic for the ambiance:D.
Hope things work out well for you...

[Chicken Little]

Smurf- sounds like you have the sympathy of the whole board. Did you ever see the Christmas movie with Robert Downy Jr. He goes home for Christmas and Ann Bancroft, the mother, has a secret hideaway where, once she put the Turkey in, she goes in there and smokes pot to get away from the entire family? I always kinda sympathized. Do what you gotta do. Counseling can really be helpful this time of year. I always thought therapist's kids get great Christmas gifts...

[Aggie_Ama]

You know Christmas was always my favorite until I got married and my BIL got married and then there were nieces. It became a chore to do Christmas and I got sick every year from too much stress. The past years I have set a minimal budget and had fun trying to find something in it. This year I am buying everyone an even smaller gift (like less than $20) and making boxes of homemade fudge, truffles and my Christmas Cookies they all go ga-ga over. Some will flip, some won't. But it is cheap and I get to bake which I love. Happy me= happy holidays.

Do what is right for you, mail a small gift, say you can't go. They will be pissed, then they will flush their pity pots and get over it. If they don't you can't force adults to grow up and you cannot change your feelings.

[Tuckervill]

It seems so wrong to say "Don't get me anything because I'm opting out this year," because if I buy a BMX bike karma predicts that I will wreck bad and have some 'splainin to do!

Bad logic. This assumes there is some kind of connection between opting out and buying a new bike. You can opt out for any reason at all, including that you just don't feel like it. It has nothing to do with the bike. (Of course, if people you love are involved, you can and probably should temper that message so as not to hurt their feelings.)

I was a young woman like you once. :) I had two small children, and I was divorced. I would have never thought about not attending a holiday celebration, especially for my kids. But there was this one year...the dates lined up so the kids would be at their father's house for the holiday. I was desperately poor. I couldn't face my two brothers, either. I opted out. I spent the whole weekend sleeping and journaling (and budgeting!). It felt like a rite of passage for me, the beginning of a new independent attitude.

By feeling guilty about not going, you are dragging all the baggage of childhood along with you. Your mom could do you a favor by releasing you from the guilt and blessing you just the way you are, but since that takes her own enlightenment which you are not responsible for, you'll have to do it yourself.

If you take a hard look at your life in context of the whole wide world, you're doing okay, right? Don't compare your life to your brothers'. You're not them, and they're not you. It will be easier next year, if you can stop looking at yourself through your family's eyes.

You're a smart woman and wonderful writer, and you're living it up in your own way. Be true to you.

Karen

[Blue_Wildflower]

Padres, well said.

I have not celebrated X-mas in eight years. X-mas 2000 was a very negative experience which led to an experience that changed my life which then led to me deciding to leave the city where I was raised for a new life. I remember when my mom asked if I was coming home X-mas 2001. I told her "No". She then did the "mom" thing, it was the first time I stood up to her and did what I wanted to do. Going forward, I never went home for X-mas, however, I did make it there for Thanksgiving (until this year).

My relationship with my family is best when I am 400 miles away. I went home last year for turkey day. The day before I was suppose to leave, my dad asked if "I was okay with being alone". Um, I am not alone and yes, I am happy. Very happy. My family does not understand my hobbies and the life I live. They are a very negtive bunch. Lots of complaining, lots of drama and no solutions to improve their situation. I love them, but they drain every ounce of energy from me. So, while I do call often, I do not go home.

This year my mother asked "what I was doing for Thanksgiving". I told her I am riding my bike out West. She said "I could ride my bike up here". Um, no, I cannot. This year, I will ride my bike to Leesburg, spend two nights in a lovely B&B, have peace and give Thanks. This year, for the first time in seven years I will celebrate X-mas. I will have a tree, put up lights, cook what will become "my" traditional meal, spend it with someone dear to me . . . Oh, and ride my bike.

[Tuckervill]

I'm putting this in a separate post, because I have a perspective as a mother of adult children with their own lives, too. I strongly empathize with the desire to have all the chicks back in the nest on occasion.

My oldest son is married and has a child and one on the way. Both he and his wife are from divorced/remarried homes and both have whole and half-siblings whom they love. They both have large extended families with lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents.

All told, there are about NINE holiday celebrations in late December that they are expected to attend. Of course, they live 150 miles from the central area where most of the gatherings are, and 150 miles in another direction from me, as well. They are under incredible pressure from the families, their own baggage, their own idea of how they want their little family to live.

Well, I opted out for them. I tried to look at it through their babies' eyes. I remember how much it sucked for my sons to never be at home on Christmas morning, and to shuffle from place to place. I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. As a result, they come and hang out with us on the occasional weekend. Their other parents never get that.

That wasn't my goal, of course. My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them. I actually had a frank discussion about it with them. I got a big hug from my son. I've made a lot of mistakes with them, but this was something I did right.

Maybe you could figure out a way to ask your mom for that gift, too, instead of a plane ticket.

Karen

[Veronica]

It's a well known fact in my family that I am my mother's favorite. She totally denies it, but the six of us know. Lucky me, I'm the one who gets to convince her to do things... like letting us clean out her house, replacing her wood stove with an oil heater, going to an old folks' aquacise class.

I really am lucky that I don't think any of my siblings resent me for it. I'm the baby, she had more time for me than she did for the other kids so our relationship is different.

Smurf, my Christmas wish for you is that someday you and your brothers will have a fantastic, healthy relationship. My siblings are all thousands of miles away, but when we need each other, we're there. We all like each other and like getting together. I feel very fortunate to have such a great siblings.

I sincerely hope that happens for you.

Veronica

[KathiCville]

Everyone has a lot of good advice to offer, smurf, so I'm not sure that I can really add much. But I'll try! I stopped having Christmas with my family about 30 years ago (I'm 50). My parents had died while I was in my teens, my brothers were uninterested in family gatherings. For a while, in college and for a few years beyond, I eagerly accepted invitations from friends to join their families, only to discover that doing so generally put me smack in the middle of THEIR family angst, LOL!

By the time I was in my late twenties, I resolved to enjoy Christmas MY way. It hasn't always been easy--some years I've felt a little out of the loop of humanity--but with each passing year I enjoy doing my 'own thing' more and more.

Some years I've taken my dog to a rented cabin in the mountains and done a nice long hike on Christmas Day. Other times (pre-dog), I indulged in a stay at a nice B&B somewhere. Other times I've stayed home, made myself a nice meal, watched classic Christmas movies, belted out the Hallelujah Chorus at top volume, curled up with a good book, and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. (After I'm finished singing, that is!) A couple of times in recent years I *have* joined a dearly-loved cousin and his family at their house in New Jersey----great fun, nice folks, loving atmosphere, but a little more focused on pricey gifts than fits my low-key concept of Christmas.

This year my boyfriend and I will probably just stay put, maybe do a nice long bike ride together that day, certainly take my dog for a walk at her favorite park, hop on the local free trolley to see the town's most over-the-top Christmas decorations, cook a meal we don't normally take the time to make, and take a casserole to our favorite elderly friends.

At any rate, here are my thoughts about your situation, smurf:

First, don't go home, if you don't want to. You'll just be tense and miserable the whole time. Give yourself permission to keep the focus on making the holiday positive. If that means politely steering clear of your family, at least for the moment, so be it. (My two cents') And keep in mind for the future that what appears to be 'perfect' in your brother's life might not be as perfect as you think. You might be crediting him with more happiness and contentment than he actually has. Five years from now you might find out that a lot of what you thought was real was not.

So, thank your mom for her generous gesture, but tell her (if it's true---and it sounds like it is) that your new job is important and you truly aren't in a position timewise to travel this year. That takes the focus off of the family aspect of your reluctance. (I agree with others who suggest visiting at another time of year, when the emotional pressure is less.....)

Then, contribute to their celebration by sending a single nice gift for the WHOLE gang, timed for arrival three or four days before they're gathering. (Again, my two cents') That way, you'll still be 'part' of the festivities, just from a distance.........I think the idea of giving money in their name to charity is great. Or, contribute to the day's festivities by sending them a selection of nice edibles. Or send them gift passes to their local theater, with your best wishes for them to take in a holiday movie together, as your guest.........Or how about signing them all up together for something like an adopt-a-species program (see National Zoo website for ideas) or some environmentally-friendly gesture (one of the plant-a-tree or other programs.) Or how 'bout formally volunteering a day or two in their name (both for yourself and as a gesture to your family) for some meaningful cause that they admire or would feel good about? Doing so might just inspire them to think about their own gift-giving in a different light. And even if it doesn't, your gesture is still very much in the right spirit---giving, even it's 'just' your time and elbow grease to a good cause.

If you do stay home, make sure you make the holiday nice for yourself, in whatever positive ways appeal to you. I think you said you used to love Christmas? If so, be sure to do at least one really traditional Christmas-y thing, even if it's just going out to see Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, watching your favorite sappy Christmas movie, taking in a holiday concert, or baking your favorite holiday cake/pie/cookie. (I wouldn't dream of missing "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life"...and, yes, I STILL cry when the whole town shows up on the Baileys' doorstep!)

If doing a bit of volunteer work sounds good, places like the local soup kitchen, animal shelters and nursing homes can always use a hand around the holidays. My dog and I always put a big bag of dog food and a few new toys under the Christmas tree at the local SPCA---a tradition I absolutely cherish. (Sam probably wishes I'd keep a couple of the toys for HER stocking, LOL!) :D This year, if I know I'll be staying home, I'll volunteer to dog-walk on Christmas Day at the same shelter----they're always desperate for people to fill in for the regulars who leave town for the holidays.

Well, this was longer than I'd planned, smurf, but I hope something that I've said helps to relieve your angst in even a small way or gives you a fresh idea! ;):) Keep us posted on what you do!! You're far from alone in wrestling with how to handle the holidays!

[GraysonKelly]

So my mom called the other day. She wants to fly me home for Christmas. Please excuse my utter lack of enthusiasm.

I don't want to go home. To make matters worse we're apparently having Christmas at my little brother's place with his perfect little family and his wonderful job and blah blah blah. My mom puts my brothers on a pedestal and makes me feel like crap. I've told her I can't really get the time off being so new in my job but that's not working. I can't tell if she feels guilty or is sincere. So yeah I feel like butt right now. I'd rather just buy myself a trainer, or a BMX bike and call it good. My family doesn't get my hobbies and I'd rather just opt out and treat myself to something. And, mom has a new girlfriend I don't even know and meeting her at Christmas has zero appeal.

Meh, I used to love Christmas but every year it sucks more and more. My older brother owns his house and has a great girlfriend and a great job, little brother is married with a kid and is a sheriff's deputy, and there's me who got engaged to a guy they all hated and got cheated on. Go me!

Second problem, since I probably can't get out of gifts. My brothers are both involved as I mentioned and I end up buying gifts for my brother and their SO and I get an "us" gift. Sucks for me because it ain't cheap buying them all gifts. What is the proper etiquette here? Can I do the same? Nice household gift for my married brother, maybe a restaurant gift certificate for my older bro and his girlfriend?

Baaaah friggin humbug! I just want someone who loves me this much, in zebra please: http://www.intensebmx.com/racebikes/IBK9RPX-1.html

Love and Cookies!
-HillBill
The Grinch Who Hates Christmas

Hi Smurf,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I mostly agree with what everyone else has said. You're feeling are not wrong. I'm not a professional by any means but when I was going through something similar I had to find my own happiness and my own peace with myself and my family. While we have certainly gone through a lot, we haven't worked through anything as a family. My parents are where they are and I'm where I am. I honestly think I'm a little happier than they are. I agree that you should form your own traditions and make it something that you can look forward to again.

I love Christmas. I load up the CD player with music. I sing, I dance, I love it. I put up a tree. I decorate. I go to Church. I get myself a treat. I love my family but I can't be with them too much. And I refuse to let them make me feel guilty or bad about what they have that I don't. I may not be wholly satisfied with my life right now, but I'm happy.

I'm sure you're mother does what to see you. But maybe you could ask her to save that money for a ticket until after the holidays then go see her one on one. Then maybe you two could spend some time doing stuff. You could take her somewhere that shows her a part of you. My mom didn't get me until she saw me in that element and realized how happy I was. Maybe the same can happen for you.

Above all, love yourself and try to find the magic again. The magic of loving yourself, letting go of the past and hurt, and the magic of Christmas. It sounds corny, I know.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas.
Hugs and Love,
Gray

[Biciclista]

What good stuff here!

Send them baskets of food, or go to Harry and David's farm (on line) and send them wonderful fruit boxes. and stay home and save up for your zebra.

Christmas really is a hard time for a lot of us. We do understand.

And Shooting star, yes, I had son #2 hoping that he and son #1 would be good friends. They are so different from each other, but right now they are good friends and I hope it stays that way; unlike what happened to my sister and myself... and my poor mother is in the middle.

[sfa]

You've gotten some great advice in this thread. Bottom line seems to be that you really don't want to go to your mother's for Christmas but you don't bear any ill feelings towards your family and you want them to know that you don't dislike them--you just don't want to spend Christmas with them right now. But you're worried that if you don't spend Christmas with them, they'll assume that this means that you don't much like their company, and that makes you feel guilty.

I think KathiCville has a lot of great suggestions for how to graciously bow out of the visit while still showing that you are thinking of them and are part of their celebration. Don't forget to call them when you suspect the merriment will be at a peak. When my sister doesn't make it home for a holiday, we look forward to that conversation--we pass around the phone so we can all talk to her and it feels more like she's there.

I also think that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Seems to me that YOU are the one judging yourself and finding yourself lacking in comparison to your brothers. Now, obviously, I don't know your family but I know my large and complicated family and I know that it would make me sick if I thought that my unmarried sister thought she was somehow less loved or admired or worthy than my other sister with the perfect kids and husband and house. And we all had to knock some sense into my brother when he stopped attending family events when his marriage was falling apart because he felt like such a loser in comparison to the two of us who were married. How do you know your mother doesn't brag to her friends and your brothers about her adventurous daughter with the independent spirit?

Stay home, plan something fun for yourself, send a nice group gift to your family, call them on Christmas day, plan a visit at a less hectic time, and learn how to value yourself and your strengths and realize that jobs and kids and marriages and houses don't much matter in the grand scheme of things.

Sarah

[Norse]

Just a quick thought on the gift giving - years ago I proposed, and my two siblings gladly agreed, that we would rotate buying for each other. One year we buy for 1 sib and their SO, and the next yr we reverse. It has worked very well and everyone likes not having to buy so much crap.

[pardes]

snip....I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. snip.....My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them.Karen

Lovely, Karen. Just lovely! Every once in a while I come across what I think of as "natural" parents and it warms my heart.

[Zen]

The forced gift giving of Christmas repulses me.
Stick with the job explanation. It's true.
Call them on Christmas day.
Go work at the soup kitchen if you want.
Do what you want. I have regrets to this day of mother guilt trip keeping me from doing what I really wanted to do.

[Flur]

My mother wanted me to come home for Christmas too. She really turned on the guilt machine, which really turned me off. I gave her the laundry list of reasons that I could not come, but that didn't dissuade her for turning up the guilt. Ultimately it just made me angry and I hung up and didn't call her back.

I love my family, but I hate travelling at Christmas and I have valid reasons, like you do, for not going. I don't have a job so we don't have the money. DH has a project going live right around Christmas and can't take a lot of time. Because it's a holiday we have no one available to take our dog, who is not dog-social and can't be left at a kennel. And on and on. But beyond all the valid reasons I just really don't want to, and I've gotten over the guilt by thinking about all the times I did go and was miserable.

Don't feel bad for not going, and you're not alone.

[Mr. Bloom]

I nominate Pardes for President! - Wow!

Smurf, I relate precisely to your issue...and I'm an only child!

[Crankin]

Wow, this makes me glad I don't celebrate Christmas. On the other hand, this advice/situation applies to all obligatory family gatherings.
My dad and brother live in California, so I rarely see them on holidays. I used to get together with my family here for Thanksgiving and Jewish holidays. However, since one of my cousins became very religious and the other is a gun toting ultra conservative, I just couldn't take it. They don't want anything to do with me, anyway! My aunt thinks we are going to get together and all be a big happy group, but it isn't going to happen. She has very strong ideas of how her children, and by extension, me, should act, and i am not that!
We spend all of our holidays with friends, except now, one of those friends seems like a burdensome relative. That's when we sneak off with our cycling friends and go away for some sport type of vacation. Or, we say we are going to a party somewhere else...
The best Thanksgiving I had was last year when I had the dinner. Both of my kids were there, my older son's girlfriend, my former exchange student and his girlfriend, and our cycling friends. These are the people I really care about and it was perfect.
Tuckerville, you made a very wise decision with your son. I see how this is an issue with my son and his girlfriend. After our Thanksgiving dinner last year, they went to her parents, who had forgotten to put the turkey in, and ended up eating again at 10:00 PM. According to her, they are dysfunctional and needy, but she still feels like she should go see them. Yet, about every 4-6 weeks they come here and spend the weekend. I know it's like a vacation in the country for them, but it's fun.
As a counselor in training, I second the counseling proposal. It's hard to break those old patterns without some help.

[GraysonKelly]

I nominate Pardes for President! - Wow!

Smurf, I relate precisely to your issue...and I'm an only child!

I second that nomination!

[Tuckervill]

Lovely, Karen. Just lovely! Every once in a while I come across what I think of as "natural" parents and it warms my heart.

Thanks, Hon. It was a long, bumpy road. :)

Karen

[Running Mommy]

Baaaah friggin humbug! I just want someone who loves me this much, in zebra please: http://www.intensebmx.com/racebikes/IBK9RPX-1.html

HA! Smurf I have one on the sales floor right now just a waitin for ya!!
It's an 08 and I'll be putting it on sale soon....:D
Wanna come down for a visit???:p:D

I'll have to post a pic of running son's bike. He's got a zebra expert xl (09 version) with a chris king heatset. He even has the matching THE zebra helmet.