Mental Depression preventing me cycling

[kajero]

I have become extremely depressed and can't even get motivated to get on the bicycle. The one time I managed to go for a ride I was miserable and couldn't enjoy it no matter how hard I tried so I just came home after about five miles. It didn't make much sense riding when it wasn't any fun.

I take anti-depressants and do have an appointment with my doctor next week, but I don't even know if this will help. Even if I try a new medication, it will take weeks before it is effective.

I am in some very precarious situations at home and at work which I don't see getting solved any time soon.

I even dread going to the spin classes I take. I do go them, but wish they were over before they start. In fact, I didn’t even bother to go the last two classes.

Please help me figure out how to again enjoy something I really to love to do. Winter is around the corner.

[Blueberry]

No advice to offer - just hugs. That sucks....

Glad you're going to your Doc next week - sounds like he/she should be able to do something to help! Is there anything else you enjoy? Hiking? Walking? Something that would perhaps be lower pressure for the time being?

CA

[TahoeDirtGirl]

Meditation and a dog helped me through some rough times. I never tried antidepressants because I just didn't want to. Being around positive people really, really, really helped me as well. Here's a hug to get you through..

[makbike]

Do you have a friend who could go to spin class with you or ride with you? Sometimes simply having someone around to motivate you is the best medicine. Keep your appoint and be honest with your doctor. Do you see a counselor? Talking to someone totally removed from the situation is often very helpful. Do you have any pets? How about taking the dog for a walk on a daily basis? No dog, how about you borrow a friend's and ask permission to walk it each day.

Hang in there!

[Tokie]

It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need endorphins to get myself out of this -. I too grew to hate my usually much enjoyed workout routine. Focus on getting the help you need, and your love and enjoyment of everything in life will come back. It sounds like you need to see someone to help you - right now- not in a few weeks. I know it's hard to ask for help. Hang in there! Tokie

[Miranda]

Awe (((hugs)))... Well, I know I have certainly been where you are. Good that you are going to see the doc soon. I agree with the other posts about mixing things up if you can. And for me, animals & nature are a help... something about them is just so pure and simple, it's cleansing, IMHO.

To me, one theory I had about hating my bike and spinning was that it was part of my "usual life". My "usual life" wasn't going so great. So, anything "usual" (including the bike & spin) was not happy "work". Try out a new class you have never did before. Or, get a guest pass to a totally new gym.

I have a new puppy now with the passing of my dog this summer. Taking her out in the woods to walk just freed me. Animals ask so little of their people, yet give so much back. If you can't/don't own one, go visit or borrow one.

We can't have a cat due to allergies in the house. I visit them at the shelter. When I was feeling like my life was limited, it made me feel better to give a short period of joy to another living creature's life that was way more limited than mine.

The duck/geese feeding folks at the parks become scarce in the cold, just go sit and give them some old bread. Visit a zoo. I feed the wild birds in my backyard too. Last year I bought a heated bird bath. Most people don't realize it's very hard for them to find water in winter. I own an ID book, but you can check it out for free at the library, or use the net. They will come to look forward to seeing you.

I guess the short of the wind above is: find something that helps give your life a new purpose for "being" :).

EDIT: Lastly... after a while, you might find that those old "work" things NOW, like the bike and spin, somehow become new again after a break. FWIW... maybe a bit of hope.

[denny]

I think I understand how you may be feeling. I had an acute depressive episode last year. I wasn't cycling at the time, but I did indoor spinning (with some really great music and fantastic instructor) to get me through the worst of it. In fact Spin class was the only thing I actually looked forward to for a while. Unfortunately, I had to stop spinning for a while because it was facilitating a rapid weight loss (20 lbs) at the time that I couldn't afford to lose off my 140 lb frame at 5'8". Spinning seemed to be the only thing to get me outside my head at the time and I had to give it up for 2 months to preserve energy that I was rapidly losing in panic/anxiety attacks and depression. You should have seen me with my nose pressed against the window during class sessions with that pitiful look of "I wish I could be with you all". :D

I can tell you that IT WILL eventually get better. Excercising increases your chance of beating depression as you may not feel in control of your circumstances but the mental will to complete a pretty hard hill climb or all out sprint on your bike takes you outside the confusion and self defeating thoughts in your head. As another poster stated, try to be around positive, loving, encouraging people at this time. Do not berate or bash yourself for being depressed. It happens to even the strongest people and is not a sign of weakness!!

What started as the ultimate nightmare for me actually ended up showing me just how much kindness, compassion and goodness can be out there from people I didn't know or expect to ever meet. It may take a while for your meds to work and that in itself can be discouraging and downright scary as you may (or not) experience symptoms you may not have expected, but always remember that you won't feel this way forever.

If you don't want to get on your bike or do spin classes, please try another method of excercise. Walk out there in nature. The natural endorphins released during physical exertion is clinically shown to improve your recovery rate it also helps to counteract the inevitable feeling of being in a stupor like state at times. Do not be shy to tell your prescribing physician if the meds are not working!!! Everyone is different!

You stated that you are in a situation that you don't see changing. Ditto been there as well, but make sure you examine if that is truly the case and not just merely in a state of decision paralysis that can hold you hostage too. If at all possible, find a great counselor that you feel comfortable talking with. If you don't feel they are willing to ask the hard questions(as I found a lot of them are) don't be shy about switching to another provider.

Most importantly remind yourself, that this too shall pass and you are still a strong ,wonderful person despite your current circumstances. You will triumph past this season in your life and ultimately come out of it even stronger in heart. Trust in God that he will make it true for you as well.

Hope knowing that you are not alone, helps even a teeny bit. Hugs and encouragement from Atlanta! I'm rooting for you and keeping you in my prayers.

[pardes]

Your genuine appeal for support during your depression really touches me and as you can see it touches others here.

There is no easy and quick solution to dealing with depression. Saying anything pollyanna-ish would be an insult to you and others who are dealing with this very REAL and very DEBILITATING condition.

All I can say is know that you've been heard, and know that we are thinking about you, and know that we are here.

Here is one odd thing that helped me so much when I was depressed while caring for my dying mother. So many family issues surfaced during that time like dealing with my brother who sexually abused me as a child. I almost drowned in the overwhelming feelings raised. I was very angry at my mother for never defending me and never discussing the subject, and yet I understood why, and yet I didn't, and she was senile and accusing me of untold horrible deeds. It was just WAY WAY too miuch to deal with.

A hospice counselor was helping me vent and just happened to ask the question to tell her something about my childhood that was a visually or emotionally positive image.

I remembered the cellar steps in our house with shelves lining the walls where Mom put up canned tomatoes, peaches, corn, everything from the garden and orchard. It was the most beautiful and comforting sight to see all of those mason jars lined up in a beautiful array of colors. We were poor and Mom was determined to get us through the winter with healthy food canned with her own hands.

I'm sorry to run on, but the point is that in the continuing emotional horrors that continued till the death of Mom, when I didn't think I could bear one more thing, I would remember the mason jars of love. Absolutely nothing else worked for me, not meds, not therapists, not trying to rest, not trying to put on a happy face. The colorful mason jars of love did it though.

So when the depression grips you with strangling strength, find an image that comforts you and hold it in your mind. This is not a weakness to do this. This is finding the bottomless pit of hope and love and beauty that is within us all and which sustains us.

[kajero]

Thank ALL of you for such wonderful help and support. It is nice to know that so many of you have dealt and are willing to help me deal with this. I don't want to give up my bike riding because I know I enjoy it; I just have to find some way to "let" myself enjoy it again. I'll try and keep you posted on how things turn out.

Thanks so much again. This is such a wonderful site.




To me, one theory I had about hating my bike and spinning was that it was part of my "usual life". My "usual life" wasn't going so great. So, anything "usual" (including the bike & spin) was not happy "work". Try out a new class you have never did before. Or, get a guest pass to a totally new gym.

I guess the short of the wind above is: find something that helps give your life a new purpose for "being" :).

EDIT: Lastly... after a while, you might find that those old "work" things NOW, like the bike and spin, somehow become new again after a break. FWIW... maybe a bit of hope.

The thought about "usual life" is something I never thought about before.

[kajero]

So when the depression grips you with strangling strength, find an image that comforts you and hold it in your mind. This is not a weakness to do this. This is finding the bottomless pit of hope and love and beauty that is within us all and which sustains us.


And this, too, is a great idea. It is hard to think of something right now, but I will my hardest to do it.

[teigyr]

I'm always the one who sounds Pollyanna-ish but it's not to insult, it is just how I look at things.

I'm not depressed. I mean I feel that way sometimes but I've known clinically depressed people and I know it goes farther than a bad mood or bad day. I can't say "just go for a walk" and know it will be better.

I'm not especially cheerful either though. For those times when it's been really really dark for me, I make plans on how to change things. I made goals and did little tiny steps toward that goal. I guess what it did was distract me from what was going on but as that was happening, it also put me closer to where I wanted to be. I guess as bad as things were, I was moderately ok as long as there was hope. At least that's what I told myself and it seemed to work kind of ok.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please do try to make sure your meds are good and also try to work through what's best for you. I know a person who is depressed, amongst other things, and he has learned to know his limits and what he needs from both other people and life.

Maybe it's time to try something non bike related. Or sign up for a hobby or volunteer or go hiking. I'm really not trying to sound all chipper about it but there might be something better for you (right now) than the bike. Sometimes it might mean forcing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit and then if you don't like it, try something else. You never know.

[Crankin]

One of the things that I have been reading about in my counseling classes is "nature therapy." The idea that getting outdoors and moving can help emotional issues seems to have some real validity. I too, think that "letting go" of cycling for awhile is OK. I went through this last fall when I was having some severe anxiety from physical problems. But, I ramped up the walking and started doing yoga. It was a different routine, and it really helped.
Have you ever thought about taking a "Mindful Stress Reduction" course. It's based on the work of John Kabat-Zinn and focuses on using a variety of relaxation, yoga, and meditative strategies to "be with" your pain. I found it very helpful. I took it through the education department of a hospital and I still use the meditation cd from the program.
Another thing I tried was acupuncture. It really worked for the anxiety. It wasn't immediate, but within 4-6 weeks I was feeling better.
And make sure you have a therapist who uses a holistic approach. I never would have tried any of these things without some pushing from someone who knew about them.

[Tuckervill]

It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need endorphins to get myself out of this -. I too grew to hate my usually much enjoyed workout routine. Focus on getting the help you need, and your love and enjoyment of everything in life will come back. It sounds like you need to see someone to help you - right now- not in a few weeks. I know it's hard to ask for help. Hang in there! Tokie

Just wanted to +1 this excellent advice. When the whole world looks gloomy, it's time to get intense help. If you wait, it likely will get worse, not better. If you have trouble making the phone calls to get the help, ask someone you love and trust to do it for you. It's important. You are important.

We want you to feel better. The people you love want you to feel better. Don't give up. Keep going. PM me if you want.

Karen

[OakLeaf]

(((((kajero)))))

Tokie, Pardes and Crankin have great advice. Just getting outside - even if it's downtown and not in "nature" - will get you in sunlight, which is definitely involved in mood regulation, whether or not you experience seasonal changes. Even when it's cloudy, you'll still get way more of the natural spectrum by being outdoors than you will indoors.

Also, no one's mentioned journaling, and I'm awful about sticking with that myself, but it's always cathartic when I do it. Lots of studies have shown that people who journal regularly are healthier both mentally and in terms of their immune system.

Another thing that helps me is to just force myself to stick to a routine. If I go to the gym, or for a ride, or whatever, EVERY day at 9 a.m. (or 6 p.m. or whatever), then I don't have to make decisions about whether to go or not. I just go. You can still incorporate active rest days into a rigid routine (which is important). If it's cycling, you can cruise; if it's the gym, you can do a Pilates or yoga class instead of cardio or high-intensity strength; if it's running, you can walk. It can take a few weeks to really ingrain a routine into your life, but once it's there, it actually takes less mental energy to do it than to depart from your routine.

Sending lots of hugs and sunshine your way. PM me if you want.

[tulip]

Just wanted to +1 this excellent advice. When the whole world looks gloomy, it's time to get intense help. If you wait, it likely will get worse, not better. If you have trouble making the phone calls to get the help, ask someone you love and trust to do it for you. It's important. You are important.

We want you to feel better. The people you love want you to feel better. Don't give up. Keep going. PM me if you want.

Karen

+1000. Sometimes we need help and can't do it by ourselves. Yes, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, but do call someone SOON so you can get the help that you need.

Best wishes and big hugs,
tulip

[denny]

I'm the last Pollyanna standing:). Don't be afraid to lean on supportive family and friends at this time. My sister who works in a psych practice was the one to make the calls when I didn't have the energy or humility to say I needed more help (Cause I'm a strong, smart, sassy woman who didn't need anyone:D) Stupid huh?

I agree with the previous poster, don't wait to see how long it will take for you to feel better. If you injured a part of your body that threatened your life or limb, the likelihood is you would take steps to ensure your survival.
Your brain is an organ that is threatened by illness right now. Your chances of a successful recovery are improved with early intervention coupled with cognitive therapy. If cycling no longer "lights you on fire" and I'm not referring to muscle burning or the fiery crotch from a bad saddle either:D then find that thing that helps you to feel alive, hopeful and anticipating of a great change or new beginning.

It's been 13 months and 4 days since my episode and I know I'm still in the process of recovery. One thing that helps a lot (assuming you aren't already doing so) is for you to journal your thoughts and feelings. It's a nice uncensored way to just scream and cry no one has to know that you just thoroughly told them off on paper and they were totally in awe,speechless and humbled by your right-on insight. :D Can you tell that there are days I can hardly wait to write in my journal? :)

All kidding aside you've received such warm, wonderful, supportive advice from these ladies that I know that you'll pull through. This Pollyanna hopes you will find 1 thing that makes your heart and soul smile today.

Hugs.

[Irulan]

having been through a serious clinical depression, and being under lifelong treatment for dysthymia, I will third what Tokie said:


It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need

Real depression can be very debilitating. You can hardly get out of bed and get dressed, much less get it together to force yourself to get outside and go for a walk or a the gym. Professional treatment is best. Serious depression is not some thing that most people can fix by themselves.

I always question the comments about avoiding medication: if you had diabetes, or a cardiac condition, or epilepsy, would you avoid the appropriate treatment? Many times there are chemical imbalances in the brain that need to be adjusted. No amount of "oh, just go for a bike ride" is going to fix that. Granted, anti depressants are at time prescribed inappropriately, but if you work with an MD/psychiatrist and a counselor, that is how you start to move forward.

I've been there - under treatment and still having to force myself to do something. Telling myself, if I can just walk to the park and back I WILL feel better, and not even being able to do that. I had days when the only thing I could do was fold laundry and nothing else.


Maybe it's time to try something non bike related. Or sign up for a hobby or volunteer or go hiking. I'm really not trying to sound all chipper about it but there might be something better for you (right now) than the bike. Sometimes it might mean forcing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit

Ideas like the above are well meaning but show a true lack of understanding of what real depression is.

[OakLeaf]

mmmm - trying not to get prickly, but don't make assumptions - I too carry a diagnosis of double depression. Drugs DO have their place and sometimes they're a necessity - but yes, to address your hypothetical, most people with NIDDM or cardiac conditions shouldn't have medication as their first line of treatment, either; and epileptics also need to do a lot more to manage their condition than just taking their meds.

Kajero reached out here and asked us for help. Obviously none of us can prescribe drugs for her. We're suggesting things that have worked for us, our own diagnosed and experienced selves. I think Pardes said it all pretty eloquently. We know, as Kajero plainly knows herself, that to get healthy, we need to take responsibility for our own health, and that means more than calling a doctor and popping a pill. There's a lot of homework involved in living with any chronic illness, including depression and dysthymia, and we've given suggestions from some of our own homework.

As I said in another thread, I think a psychologist should be the first line of treatment, and let them make a referral to a psychiatrist if it's warranted. Also, cognitive/behavioral therapy may be great for some people, but it's worse than useless for me. Don't let a managed care organization or insurance company bully you into cognitive/behavioral therapy if it isn't working; try something different. I DO understand how tough it is to find a good fit with both a therapist and a style of therapy - when you need them most is when you have the least resources to undertake the very difficult search. Going to the wrong therapist (just like taking the wrong medication) can actually exacerbate depression, but I guarantee the effort to find the right therapist is worth it in the long term.

Hugs again to all who are burdened with mood disorders in their many forms.


ETA: also, exercise and sunshine DO modify your brain chemistry, as potently as drugs do. And talk therapy actually changes the physical structure of your brain.

[Irulan]

thanks for the corrections - maybe I need better analogies. :p

The whole "I would never take pills for MY depression" thing just pushes my buttons in a major way. Unless you've been there ( clinically depressed) , IMSHO you really aren't qualified to comment.

It's funny, when we are in the middle of a situation that we think is not going to change, if we get the correct kind of help, sometimes just getting emotionally healthier or learning how to change our reactions to things opens up options that we may think did not exist before.

[Smilie]

Nothing to add, as it seems everyone covered a lot of what may help you feel better. Just wanted to send good thoughts your way. I hope you find what works for you. Hugs.

[pardes]

I sat through a staff meeting today to resolve emotional issues between two employees, both clinically depressed, one on meds, the other unable to tolerate the meds side effects and who is toughing things out with behavior modification.

Both were actually dealing fairly well with their lives in their own ways and with their own "prescriptions," it's just that they couldn't work in the same room without wanting to strangle each other.

It's another example that no one system works for everyone. Some swear by drugs; others shrink form them. Both sides have their own good reasons.

What we've tried to do here, and I think we did it very compassionately, was to offer what worked for us. And what didn't.

I believe the point of this thread was an appeal for understanding and a listening ear that was echoed back with heartfelt offers of comfort and the recipe for their version of "chicken soup."

Let's no digress from Kajero, the focus of the thread, into a discussion of what's the right thing to say.

Which reminds me of an incident that happened only hours after I was given the diagnosis of having a brain tumor that required immediate emergency surgery. I had all of a few hours to get my life in order, figure out how to provide for my invalid mother if I died, and find someone to agree to be my power of attorney to pull the plug if I went into a coma that lasted longer than three days.

Astonishingly, I "owned" my brain tumor for only about an hour. After that it was hijacked and became the focus of everyone else as their property. "What will I do if my daughter dies...." "How can I ever pull the plug on my friend?" I was left in the dust while they sought comfort from others about the brain tumor crisis of their life.

I remember walking out the door of the house to get away from it all and just started walking down the street of the development. I kept thinking to myself, "I just wish that someone would be here with me now, really be here, with me and just walk with me."

I walked and walked. And then I thought I heard the jingle of a dog collar behind me. I turned around but nothing was there. I kept walking and then I thought I saw a flash of fur approaching from the left but again I looked and nothing was there. And then I felt a wet nose nuzzle my hand but again nothing was there. And then I started to smile. What I didn't even know was a prayer had been answered in a transcendental way designed specifically for me who loves dogs and wolves better than most humans.

I relaxed into the moment and began to see flashes of light that began to take on the form of a wolf/dog running beside me with that happy kind of expression a dog has when it runs for the joy of running beside someone they love. I can still see the image to this day that was like someone stepping into front of an old-fashioned home movie projector where you can see the transparent image illuminated on their face or body when they block the projection path.

I returned home feeling a great deal better and reported for surgery the next morning. Surgeons are not known for their people skills and I was treated not badly, but quite insensitively on the hospital grand rounds where I was considered a good teaching case. My recovery was fuzzy and I wasn't up to being able to match wits with the rude surgeon and on the verge of tears of humiliation, when I happened to notice a shadow, then two, then three enter the room.

The wolf-dog had brought reinforcements and they proceeded to circle the bed between me and the doctors and audience, a protective wall of fur, and I could relax.

I never saw the wolf-dogs again and many will claim that it was a hallucination caused by the brain tumor.

Perhaps. But who cares? It worked.

And that's my point. We are not trying to practice psychiatry here. We are merely offering what worked for us. Be it drug or dog or wolf.

[Crankin]

Well put, Pardes. One thing that I am learning in my training to become a clinical mental health counselor is that therapy is not one size fits all. I am in a holistically oriented program, with a humanistic focus. But we do learn about ALL of the types of therapy, including cognitive behavioral. Some people need that structure, as well as the insurance issue...
I do agree with Oakleaf in that the first thing is to get yourself to a therapist (I don't mean just Kajero, but anyone in this situation) who can then refer you to a psychiatrist for a meds evaluation, if that is what you want to do. It didn't work for me, but it does for a lot of people.
I didn't mean to be dismissive about depression when I said that getting outside helps. It is just one of the things that has been shown to work when used in conjunction with other things, like therapy, medication, acupuncture, etc.

[Velobambina]

Kajero

Sending lots of good karma your way. Do what's right for you but first and foremost, take care of yourself. You are worth it.

I hope Pardes' wolf-dog finds her way to you and gives you comfort and strength.

Pardes - I don't think you were hallucinating and you can bet that wolf-dog is watching over you.

[kajero]

I don't have a lot to post except I saw the Doc on Tuesday and she adjusted the meds. She also thought getting the SAD light I asked about was good a idea, too. I have been getting some exercise and have been trying to take a walk outside after work.

My bike sits directly in front of the car so when I come home from work; the bike just nags me to get on it and ride. I almost did today, but turned away. I just couldn't find the energy. My poor little bike looks as forlorn and sad as I am. I think it's feeling really rejected lately. And of course, keeping it tied up with a cable lock in the garage and then shutting the garage door has to make it's life even more miserable. I know it wants to be outside on the trails. It's locked up physically and it seems I am locked up emotionally right now.

I am going to try and ride this weekend; it is supposed to really nice. (Well, for Minnesota that is.) I also have to make myself believe riding 10 or 12 miles is okay and it's not necessary to ride a gazillion miles to enjoy my bike.

Thanks for all the support. I'll keep you posted!

[OakLeaf]

I also have to make myself believe riding 10 or 12 miles is okay and it's not necessary to ride a gazillion miles to enjoy my bike.

You know what? Riding 2 or 3 miles is okay!

And - don't know if this is an issue for you or not - but cruising nice and effortlessly without breaking a sweat is okay, too.

In fact, it's fun - riding a bike the way we used to when we were kids, just for the pleasure of the wind on our faces and the feeling of movement. When I lived in town I would sometimes just cruise around the neighborhood "surveying my domain." I think a lot of us don't do that nearly enough anyhow, just finding the simple childlike joy in moving our bodies through space.

Maybe try just going for a ride in street clothes, planning on a really short one. Regular clothes don't get uncomfortable in just a few miles (as long as you cinch your pants leg or just roll it up). Sometimes just getting dressed in cycling clothes can seem like such a production - and then, when you've taken so much time to get ready, it doesn't seem "worth it" to just ride for a couple of miles. Wear your helmet and gloves for safety of course, but try just pretending you're a little kid again, and remember how it felt to ride a bike then.

Glad you saw the doctor, and I hope things start to turn around for you very soon. I do still think you should try and see a counselor. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of hugs.

[tulip]

Yep, just riding around the neighborhood is great fun, and it still counts as a bike ride! I hope your doctor visit was good and that you find relief soon. Sometimes meds work better when you have a good therapist working with you too. We're thinking of you :)

[Smilie]

If you do just go ride around the neighborhood, pay attention.:o

I just did the pleasure ride to just get out and ride this summer, and was checking out all of the wonderful yards around me, happened to look up and almost ran smack into a parked car! Now that would have messed me and my bike up.:D

Hope you just get out and do something that makes your soul sing. Sending good vibes to you.

[mayanorange]

Most everyone has said the same things, but I'd like to add my support that I've been there too. (I don't admit this to many people, so you're much stronger than me right there). I hope the doctor(s) can help and I know sometimes it takes too long for the changes to kick in and it seems like it'll never get better. But as everyone's been saying, you need to hold on to hope and positivity as best you can. And then cry when you need to. My only suggestion was going to be that yoga (Iyengar is my preference) can be helpful if you find the right instructor or DVD. Exercise does help, but I know what you mean about the hardest part is just getting on the bike. The yoga that helped me started out with stretching and being in the moment (listening to your body and not your head), then before you know it, you're turning into a pretzel and actually doing some work! Kinda a good way to sneak up on myself to do exercise. Or, like the others said, just cruise on you bike and enjoy the scenery.

[Crankin]

I'm at the point where cruising on my Jamis is a lot more fun than trying to go fast on my road bike. It definitely recalls the feeling of being a kid. I find going on errand rides sets a purpose and even if some of them are as short as 8 miles, I still feel like I've exercised.

[shootingstar]

I agree wholeheartedly, just cycling around short rides is a great feeling for lousy days.

True, I might feel guilty at the beginning for choosing not to cycle enough that day. But at the end of the little ride, I always feel better. It is better to include short rides with an errand somewhere...I've accomplished 2 things, instead of just 1.

progress begins with baby steps.

And I ever question why feel so good about short rides..come on, I tell myself, a severely physically disabled person often CANNOT ride a bike.

I count my blessings for the ride.

[planetluvver]

Kajero,

By definition, if cycling made you feel better, than you wouldn't be depressed. Just try to remember that there is no reason for you not to enjoy cycling again, once your depression remits. Now if you had the flu, or a broken leg, you would not be surprised that you are unable to cycle, let alone enjoy it. But depression can often rob one of even remembering a time when there was anything else, other than the depression.

By all means, continue to pursue the activities that gave you joy, and continue whatever routines you can to keep your life going in the meantime, to whatever extant you are able. But when the depression robs you of joy in the present, remember that your belief in a joyless future is also a symptom of the depression.

Please, get whatever help you can to overcome this depression. Just the fact that you have posted this thread shows that you are still able to muster efforts to control this beast.

[kajero]

Went to the doc on Tuesday and she adjusted the meds. I also made an appointment the pscyh

But this is strange. I am not a religious person whatsoever. I have a lot of friends at the gym I belong to. Even as down as feel, I made it to an aerobics class one day, but I couldn't finish the class. I went to the locker room and just sat there. One of my friends from the class came back and in jest pointed her finger at me because I didn't finish the class and I started crying. She asked what was wrong, I told her and then asked if she could pray for me. So she gave me a big hug and we started praying. It didn't seem to matter that we are different religions, she Catholic and me another. Anyway, things started to turn around since then. But, like I mentioned, I am not a very religious person. So, is this coincidental?

I had conference with my boss and a lot of stuff was aired. I worked very hard on providing documentation (times, places, examples, etc.) that he could not refute -- there were witnesses and people who helped me. Perhaps my friend who prayed form had something to do with, because but until then I couldn't seem to get my thoughts down on paper and dreaded the conference. Ever tying is now down on paper and in my files. I don't feel sorry for my boss that he made all the mistakes he did and if he continues to hold them over my head, human resources has documentation of his false assumptions.

Some of my family issues also seem to have dealt with, not the most effectively, but relatives are looking at situations in a different light.

It’s a beautiful day outside but we have other obligations so I can get on the bike. But for once if I could, I think I am looking forward to it.

[pardes]

Well, there is the saying, "there are no coincidences."

It could be that coincidences are always there just waiting for us to claim them. And, it would seem that if they are continually ignored and go continually unclaimed, maybe they go visit someone else who will be more responsive.

To categorically say that anything is definitely anything complicates everything since then we would always be trying to find the "real" answer to everything and who can pay attention to anything if the gears are always turning in an analytical, prove-it way?

I don't know the mechanisms of the validity or efficacy of prayer or wishes or dreams, I only know that if one relaxes into the moment, the universe reveals itself. Giving thanks in your own personal way and returning the favor in your own personal way is the only response that the universe hopes for.

I'm so glad you had several affirming encounters. I am typing this calmly but my heart is singing with glee for you.

Oh, and by the way, (should anyone want to join me,) I'll be "biking with Kajero in spirit" as soon as I get off the computer and pull on my jacket. You may not be "joining" me this time or the next, but I'll be thinking about you and will save a place for you for next time, or the next....

[shootingstar]

Any chance, kajero of applying for other jobs? Hope you do. You have lots to offer elsewhere.

There have been some incredible coincidences that have occurred which occurred when not totally expected at key times in life. Usually during times when I was facing the unknown.

May you ride in the unknown, but comforted that you are already cared for and loved.

[kajero]

I am going to try to ride tomorrow. This not trying is getting me nowhere except making me feel guilty that I bought an expensive bike that I don’t use anymore. Is there a way when riding your bicycle to forget about one’s problems? Although listening to my MP3 player may work, I refuse to because I don’t think it is safe. Even when I look at the gorgeous fall colors, my mind always returns to that "bad" place. Except for knowing what I need to for safe riding, I wish I could get my mind to go “blank."

I didn’t proofread my last post very well. :( I meant to say that my friend asked if SHE could pray for me. I figured nothing else was working so why not? She embraced me while she prayed out loud. Having someone like her hug me was very uplifting; she is a beautiful person. Even though we take the class together and use lockers next to each other, we don’t even know each other’s name. I think I need to work on that.

I really love my job; I dislike my manager. My manager has horrible managerial skills. Whether deliberate or not, my manager creates friction among team members rather than comradeship. :( My manager has the worst communication skills and the best bias skills in the whole world. My manager only sees what my manager wants to see; it’s as if my manager wears blinders. (I apologize for so many “my manager” but I am afraid of what can be extracted from the Internet these days.)

[shootingstar]

I am going to try to ride tomorrow. This not trying is getting me nowhere except making me feel guilty that I bought an expensive bike that I don’t use anymore. Is there a way when riding your bicycle to forget about one’s problems? Although listening to my MP3 player may work, I refuse to because I don’t think it is safe. Even when I look at the gorgeous fall colors, my mind always returns to that "bad" place. Except for knowing what I need to for safe riding, I wish I could get my mind to go “blank."

perhaps one approach ..is that cycling doesn't require any analysis by the rider. Well, some people find cycling a great time for thinking out problems. For myself, cycling is highly sensory...to visually see, smell, hear and move. So that's where I put my brain...more on the right side. :o

YOu wanna a challenge on cycling haiku after your ride tomorrow?:):rolleyes:

[Grog]

When I take my heart rate above a certain threshold (80% of my max?) I just can't think anymore. Good or bad things: can't think about them at all. Climbing hills works fine. It takes more willpower to do intervals (or tempo runs).

Big hug - keeping you in my thoughts.

[Dogmama]

I just found this and read through the posts. Kajero, it seemed like Pardes' wolf-dog visited you in the form of the woman who prayed for you. I'm not an overtly religious person - I describe myself as more spiritual. I DO believe in the power of prayer & have seen it work first hand.

If you are prescribed meds, you know they often take weeks to work. Further, there are different kinds that act on different brain receptors. Don't give up. I have black clinical depression & take meds, although I wish I could be "normal." Sometimes I screw with dosages & prove to myself, once again, that I need these to keep my brain chemistry right. I also do therapy and my poor therapist cringes when I tell her I'm thinking about going off meds.:p

My work situation exacerabated the problem, but since I've retired, the stark reality is that where ever I go, I take my brain with me. :rolleyes: I had golden handcuffs - had to stick out the last few years to get to full retirement status. I MADE myself get on the bike & go to the gym. I told my brain that it was like breathing - not negotiable. The biochemical reactions of endorphin raising will happen whether or not I want to be there and I needed all the help I could get. I FORCED myself to concentrate on my surroundings rather than ruminate over the last work-drama. I told myself that it would all be waiting for me after I got off the bike.

Be sure to take good care of yourself. Watch the caffeine & sugar intake, especially at work. And look for the wolf-dogs - they're everywhere.

[pardes]

So Kajero, the ride "we" took together was ummmmm....how shall I say this......well the bottom line is that Pardes completely lost her cool in a gas station.

There I was taking in the crisp beautiful air and enjoying the scarlet, orange, and burnt umber leaves on my way to a leisurely breakfast of steak and eggs and six cups of coffee at the restaurant on the other side of the gas station.

Two cars were just finishing up being filled with gas and the two drivers had just gotten back into their cars. They were both facing the same direction as me as I pedaled up behind them with my iPod playing a meditation tape of rustling leaves and bird songs and harp music.

I was one with the universe.

Well, that is one with the universe until the universe tilted and for some unknown reason both cars decided to BACK UP, both at the same time, and BOTH speeding backwards toward me, and both completely oblivious to my presence despite my flailing arms, flashing headlights, and shouted objections.

Another car had pulled up behind me and there was no escape as both cars continued their lethal path toward me. I held my breath and closed my eyes when the bumper of the car on the right was within an inch of my right handlebar.......and just in the nick of time both cars stopped.

Now, you'd think I'd shout with joy to be spared and thank the universe for sparing me or at the very least show infinite compassion toward the idiotic drivers who were so out of touch with reality that they didn't notice a screeching elderly bike rider behind them.

However, my reaction came from all the way down to my toenails, a compressed four months of bike-riding rage against stupid motorists, and in complete, unfiltered, knee-jerk reaction I proceeded to pound my fist on the bumper of the car (so handily within easy reach) .....and I'm not even ashamed to say that I uttered a stream expletives originally deleted by Nixon himself.

I then pedaled away unrepentant and unashamed.

Sometimes you just have to LET THE ANGER RIP!

[Tuckervill]

This not trying is getting me nowhere except making me feel guilty that I bought an expensive bike that I don’t use anymore.

Hey, there are lot more important things to feel guilty about than THAT! Have you stolen from your elderly grandmother or killed puppies or something? Feel guilty about things that are actually wrong, okay? Don't waste precious energy feeling guilty about something so trivial as a bike not being ridden. Most bikes are parked more than they're ridden, anyway!

Words that helped me, and transformed my way of thinking, uttered by a friend who knows how to pierce right to the center of a thing: Regret is poison.

If you are living with regrets, make sure it is about something you should actually be regretting--then go make it right, if you can. If you can't, learn your lesson and let it go. You cannot change it. You're not alone in that position. We find a way to go on in spite of it. You will, too.

I'm glad you're getting help. You're bike is just on the shelf for a while. It's okay.

Karen