Remembering parent's life

[shootingstar]

Other than pray (for those who are religious) and cry, what activity did you do that best captures your memory/love for a parent who died?

My partner's mother died last night in a nursing home. She was 93. She will be cremated as per her wishes.

Strange as this might sound to some folks, but shortly after my dearie and I found out about her death, a few hrs. later we went to French pastry shop and had 2 lovely French tarts in her memory.

She was an experienced cook and baker..and truly did bake incredible gourmet German tortes, cakes and cookies. This is stuff that is difficult to find in regular bakeries even in major cities in North America, and does not stoop to using shortening, icing sugar...etc. She could make puff pastry ...from scratch. She did receive college training in Germany in home economics and cooking in the 1930's, hence she did understand some basic food chemistry which enabled her to invent sugarless German tortes and kuchens when my dearie was on a diet. We have tried to find English-language German recipe books that document what she prepared...and it's VERY difficult.

When my dearie was a boy growing up in Germany, then in Canada, his mother did bake 1-3 different cake tortes (mocha, hazelnut crumb with ganache like fillings, etc.) each Sunday. She also baked delicate Christmas cookies without any perservatives, which would last for at least 1 month, in the cupboard, not in fridge.

Baking and cooking was genuinely her creative expression where she excelled and where she was happiest.

Her 2 sons, loved watching their mother baking and she did have a gentle style of explaining and storytelling that made her sons receptive to cooking later in life when they had their own families. Hence, these 2 men cook ..none of this crap about male vs. female roles.

I know that this forum talks much about weight loss, food for fuel. But in some families, home cuisine...is 1) truly an expression of a person' love to create for someone else 2) cultural legacy to carry forward, particularily the best recipes from the heart.

And probably when my mother passes away, one of things that I will continue to carry in memory and in practice, is some of her cooking...I know it's good for my health.

[Biciclista]

That's nice. I struggled for a year with a very hard recipe that my grandmother used to make. On the seventh try, I felt like I finally had succeeded. And when I make them, I think of her the whole time!

[Veronica]

http://tandemhearts.com/coppermine/albums/maine-2008-02/maine-2008-02-13.jpg

My sisters and niece helped me make snowmen replicas of our grandparents last Feb. when my grandmother passed away. She was 99.

Veronica

[wackyjacky1]

My sister and I have started a tradition of visiting our dad's grave on Dia de Los Muertos. We share a bottle of red wine and some chocolate -- two of his favorite things!

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc71/wackyjacky1/toasttoPop-1.jpg

But not a day goes by that I don't think of him...

[TahoeDirtGirl]

You know, when my mother died, I started putting together a book of recipes she was known for. I never finished it. Maybe it's time...

[Mr. Bloom]

shootingstar, that sounds like a wonderful celebration of life!

[tulip]

Thankfully I have not had to face the death of a parent yet. My grandmother died in April of 2007 at age 87. She was not much of a cook, but was an incredible naturalist. She hiked the Appalachian trail and camped in every state except Hawaii. She even made it to Alaska. Her husband in later life (they were married when my grandmother was in her 50s) refused to fly, so they went everywhere in their VW popup camper.

After she died, I got very interested in birds and bird watching. She knew all the birds, and now I really enjoy birding. I always think of her when I see a bird, which is every single day.

[pardes]

What a wonderful thread this is!

My mother died a few years ago after living with me for a couple of decades due to her failing health. With that much togetherness between mother and daughter, there were wonderful things and not so wonderful things. It took several years after her death before I could look at her memory objectively and really mourn her as well as celebrate her.

I wasn't aware that I had turned the corner until I finally noticed that I was beginning to buy clothes in the same color of pink that she liked. It made me laugh out loud at how much she would have enjoyed the joke of seeing me, for so long unaware of the connection, dressed in her dusty rose color.

In some odd way it was as if we had both forgiven each other for our real or imagined trangressions and finally a life "together" could go on again.

I'm not so New Age WoooWooo about things but it's remarkable how often now that I feel a strong connection to her, a presence of her as I have for years to my father who passed away in 1959.

Our parents or anyone that we've lost never really leave us. The relationship goes on, just in a different manner.

[Tri Girl]

What a neat thread.

My father used to always make up words, for various reasons. He never cursed real words, but would instead say things like: awjubunjasays, or dadnabit. He always called me weird things like: tawny-magawny-mabooty-mawooty. After he passed, almost 10 years ago (yikes-it's been that long :eek:), I noticed that I'd start to say gibberish words in frustration or when I was surprised. In my classroom I'm always making up words. I usually do it to be silly, but I don't think about it- the gibberish just comes out.

I've also become quite the handyman with my home. My dad was a fantastic carpenter (he built our house when I was younger all by himself). I think he'd be proud.

Those things always makes me think of Dad. I miss him terribly still. :(

[chicago]

my Dad died many many years ago. I guess the best memory we give to him is that we talk about him often. He died when all us kids were very young... so we have had many years talking about him and the silly things he did with us when we were all small. Also my Mom still talks about him allllllllllllll the time... how they met (just last night I heard "again... for the 1,000,000,000,000,000th time, LOL" about how handsome he looked coming out of that car in that crisp white shirt on their blind date... and how she said to herself "oh wow", LOL!!), and how he proposed, baby stories over and over and how he did everything right but he wouldn't change a diaper for the life of him, LOL!! The stories go on and on... gosh they were so much in love.

I think the best memory is to always keep them alive in our hearts and our minds. I think the worst thing is to think that by "not" talking about a deceased person will make the survivor feel better... that is so not true. Survivor's never forget the deceased... and I don't think for a second, we would ever want to not talk about our lost loved one.

My condolences to your partner and his loss...

[chicago]

What a neat thread.

My father used to always make up words, for various reasons. He never cursed real words, but would instead say things like: awjubunjasays, or dadnabit. He always called me weird things like: tawny-magawny-mabooty-mawooty. After he passed, almost 10 years ago (yikes-it's been that long :eek:), I noticed that I'd start to say gibberish words in frustration or when I was surprised. In my classroom I'm always making up words. I usually do it to be silly, but I don't think about it- the gibberish just comes out.

I've also become quite the handyman with my home. My dad was a fantastic carpenter (he built our house when I was younger all by himself). I think he'd be proud.

Those things always makes me think of Dad. I miss him terribly still. :(

that made me cry :( I still miss my Dad too... I think we always will... but that's a good thing... we were lucky and got one of the good ones... and that's worth crying for:p

[singletrackmind]

Using mom's plants I've created several gardens in my yard. Gardening was her thing. I share pieces of those plants with others because that's what she did, share her gardens with anyone and everyone.

Every year this time my sisters and I volunteer for the Alzheimer's Association's Memory Walk in her honor.

[singletrackmind]

http://tandemhearts.com/coppermine/albums/maine-2008-02/maine-2008-02-13.jpg

My sisters and niece helped me make snowmen replicas of our grandparents last Feb. when my grandmother passed away. She was 99.

Veronica

This has got to be one of the coolest things ever!




(pardon the pun)

[Aggie_Ama]

Fortunately my parents are still living but my Pawpaw died five years ago. I was extremely close to him being the only grand daughter and he walked on water, I know it. My brother, Dad and I speak of him often and I find it the best thing for me. My husband lets me ramble on the same story he has heard many times. In his later years he loved plants, just Ivy and Gardenias. I am looking for a spot for a gardenia bush and then I need a large beautiful bush and will just wait for the fragrant blooms.

The one thing I have that I think he would want for me to have back is a little container I made him that says "pawpaw's stash". He always kept his favorite candies in his own container by his rocker, so I made him a personalized jar. Now it sits on my counter with my doggies treats in it and brings me a big smile. I also have his personalized dominoes with his initials. I haven't been able to use them but every once in a while I open them and remember playing dominoes into the late night with him and my Nanny.

Perfect those recipes, tell her stories often and let your partner talk of her as often as he can.

[Red Rock]

Remembering my mother has had its own little rituals. When she first died, I spent nights at the house copying her recipie cards during toddy time before dinner.

Then when I was at College (I went back to school after she died), it was Memorial day and I was wondering around the local cemetery and could not figure out what I could do to remember her by. Thenit occured to me to get a ring and I had her initals and birth and death dates inscribed within the ring. I wear this all the time. Also during this time and since then, I have celebrated her birthday with a small piece of cake that I get from a local baker/grocery store. I have done that for so many years, I had to introduce my second husband to the ritual.

When my first husband died and since, I cannot think of any sepecific rituals that I do for him. All I know is that my heart has been broken pretty badly and even loving my current husband it is not the same as it was with my first husband. I guess I have love with some severe scarring on top. I do remeber the phone ringing every now and then. I always thought that was my first husband checking in on me.

That is my story...hope it helps.

Red Rock

[shootingstar]

We also found out that the evening before she died, she was socializing happily with her nursing home friends. A bunch of her women friends and her sang 'Edelweiss", a song from the 'Sound of Music'. I know it's Hollywood...but you have to remember his mother married his birth father in 1939, the year when WW II started. He was unwillingly conscripted to fight....and eventually was shot in Czechslovakia. Before going into war, he was part of a university-based Catholic anti-Nazi group. We did not know this until 2 years ago, my dearie received an overseas phone call from a theology PhD German student (actually she was also a nun) doing research in this area of history.

My dearie remembers the day his mother was informed of his death by the authorities.

She died peacefully in her sleep and actually the nurses didn't quite believe that she died because she was active a few hrs. before. She did have slight dementia.

If we could wish death was like this for us when the time comes..and if no other choice, in a well-managed, caring nursing home. Several nursing staff recounted stories to my dearie, and time that they spent with her and about her little habits.

As for real gourmet baking...did you know that the real, quality classic linzertorte...a pie-like torte with raspberry filling...is actually aged for 30 days to deepen the hazelnut crust flavour and so on? That is proper, classic German gourmet linzertorte..it takes time to get quality. And kept in tin cake container with a lemon peel for moisture/freshness inside. This was her linzertorte.

It's true...since knowing his mother's baking, it's hard not to become a dessert snob.:o

[wildhawk]

My Mom died when I was in college - we were very close. I think of her everyday, but especially at Christmas. She was an avid Elvis fan and her favorite song was Blue Christmas. One year she got an all white christmas tree and decorated it with all blue lights and tiny little blue crocheted snowflakes that she made. When she died my sister and I divided her little snowflakes, each keeping half, and at the holidays we play our Elvis Blue Christmas album for her. Last year my DH and I found a tree ornmament of Elvis singing Blue Christmas and we bought a small white tree and decorated it with Mama’s snowflakes and all blue lights. I placed a photo of her and my Dad beneath it (he passed away exactly ten years later than she did). I have numerous things that I do to remember them both - they were incredible parents and eventhough they did not live very long (she was 52 and he died at 64), they gave us such wonderful memories and as I get older I see more of my Mom in me. Thanks for starting this thread - I enjoy reading about the baking and loved the snow people. Awesome memories folks! Brings up lots of warm and fuzzy memories for me too!

[lph]

Great stories. I'm enjoying reading how people live on in your memories of them. I taught myself to bake lemon meringue pie in memory of my brother. My parents were, if not terrible cooks, let's say, disinterested cooks. Food was food, to be made and eaten when necessary. My brother was different. He excelled in baking cakes, pies, cookies or other desserts, and from the age of 11 or so he baked his own birthday cakes. As an adult he was very softspoken, a bit moody and quite shy, while my parents and I are loud, impatient and talkative. My brother wouldn't say much, but he'd COOK, he'd bring homemade cookies or cake to any gathering, and he even tried to gather us for a Thanksgiving celebration for a few years (non-existent in Norway, but our mother was born in the US). Lemon meringue pie was one of his specialties, my absolute favourite (and that of my mother) but neither of us could ever be bothered to try and make something that elaborate.

When he died abruptly 2 years ago, my SIL, his widow, asked us to bring cakes to the gathering at their house after the funeral. I decided I would d*mn well roll my sleeves up and make my own pie to bring. I got two different recipes and tried both, fumbling and cussing and crying all the time. One was a disaster, the lemon filling was liquid and poured out when you cut into it, the other one had a fine filling but the crust was rock hard :rolleyes: But I did make pie.

I now make it for family gatherings at Christmas and for my son's birthday, since he *loves* it. After a few tries I managed to combine the two recipes and tweak a little to get one that works for me. One memorable time I made it we had just got our cat, and my hands were full of little kitten scratches. We didn't have a lemon squeezer then, so I was cutting the 2 lemons into quarters and squeezing the juice out by handpower... giving me lemon juice all over my hands. My usual kitchen cussing reached an alltime high.

So that's the story behind my lemon meringue pie. I'm still a lazy cook and I don't bake it often, but when I do I always think of my patient, quiet big brother. I think he would have been pleased and maybe even a bit proud of me.

[sundial]

....shortly after my dearie and I found out about her death, a few hrs. later we went to French pastry shop and had 2 lovely French tarts in her memory.

I think that is such a fitting tribute for a wonderful lady that lived a full, long life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[wackyjacky1]

Every year this time my sisters and I volunteer for the Alzheimer's Association's Memory Walk in her honor.
Same here. It is such a worthy cause. Ours is Oct. 11 this year.

[DebTX]

Thank you all for sharing these beautiful stories. This has been a very moving thread for me to read.

Deb

[Aggie_Ama]

Same here. It is such a worthy cause. Ours is Oct. 11 this year.

Thank you both. I lost my Great Grandma Ellen to the illness in 1989. She lived a full 88 years before the lights went out and luckily I was too young to really experience it. I was 8 when she died that hot July. All I remember is going to Wynn's (old general/ drug store) to get a bathing suit to swim at the old Lake House.

My Nanny has recently been diagnosed and it is so hard. She sometimes doesn't remember I am her granddaughter (I am often a niece). My dad she calls by his father's name. One day she didn't remember where my Pawpaw was (buried). I will do our walk/run next fall for my Nanny. I hate to say this but I hope her failing heart takes her before her mind can truly be taken. But I am not ready for either of those things, she seems so young but she is 76.

[7rider]

My sister and I have started a tradition of visiting our dad's grave on Dia de Los Muertos. We share a bottle of red wine and some chocolate -- two of his favorite things!

But not a day goes by that I don't think of him...

This I could get into! But for my dad - it would be Snickers and a Tanqueray martini! :cool:

[newfsmith]

I lost my Dad to Dementia, COPD and Diabetes in 2001. The last months were very hard, because it was clear that Dad no longer recognized his daughter, but disliked me because I put him in the nursing home. Dad and I had always shared one thing, we both grew up on the same farm. His father farmed with his grandfather. Great-grandpa built a new barn when Dad was 7 or 8. Dad, as boys everywhere do, thought he would carve his name into the new barn doors. Grandpa caught him half way through his surname, and gave him a licking for defacing other people's property. All the time I was growing up I walked by that reminder of my Dad's boyhood every day as I did my chores. I heard the story both from my Dad, and Grandpa. Both thought it was funny. When Dad was in the nursing home; I went to the farmer now on our old farm and bought that section of barn board, hoping that it would connect with something in Dad's memory. It was already too late for that. I brought the board home with me after Dad's funeral. It sits in our kitchen, where I can see it everyday as I go about my chores.

[redrhodie]

There are so many nice stories here, it's really inspiring. I will read "War and Peace" for my mother. It was her favorite book.

[polly4711]

How ironic that this came around today. My significant other's grandmother (whom he was very very close with) died today. Her husband wont know that she's gone due to Alzheimers. He and I are in two different cities, and the weekend that he was about to visit is the weekend of her Memorial Service. I wish I could go out there to support him, but as a poor master's student, it's not possible. Shootingstar or anyone who has lost someone close, what are things that your loved one do for you that helped you heal?

Death is such a weird thing for me. My parents are getting there too.... I don't want to become an orphan.

[wildhawk]

Eventhough you can’t be there with him during this difficult time, you will be there for him afterwards. The grieving process takes time and has its ebbs and flows. Sometimes you want to cry, sometimes you feel angry, sometimes lost, but the worst thing is to be ignored. I have lost most of my immediate family over the years and I can tell you that the best thing I received was normalcy from my friends and family - no stepping on eggshells and fumbling for words. Alot of people do not know what to say so they stay away from you during those tough times. I was fortunate to have loving friends who kept me occupied during the tough months afterwards and most importantly, they listened to me and gave me space when I needed it. They allowed me time to grieve, and did not set any time limits on when I should get “on with life”. Some people never really get through the grieving process, but they learn to cope with the loss and move forward. He knows you are there for him - and ready to listen when he needs to talk about the loss.

[shootingstar]

How ironic that this came around today. My significant other's grandmother (whom he was very very close with) died today. Her husband wont know that she's gone due to Alzheimers. He and I are in two different cities, and the weekend that he was about to visit is the weekend of her Memorial Service. I wish I could go out there to support him, but as a poor master's student, it's not possible. Shootingstar or anyone who has lost someone close, what are things that your loved one do for you that helped you heal?

Death is such a weird thing for me. My parents are getting there too.... I don't want to become an orphan.

I'm sorry for the loss of your BF's/hubby's loved one. And so sad about the widower. He will be confused eventually when he finds out. Did you know his grandmother much at all? Maybe you'll find an answer for yourself after reading some of these stories and memories here.

We're just going through this, just reflecting much on her. He of course, has various additional tasks he must undertake as her executor/power of attorney.

HOw old are your parents? Are they in good health?

For myself I dread the day when each of my parents die (father in good health, my mother less so)...so the best thing I can do now, is to work out angst issues with each of them, and appreciate best parts of them now.