Grrr....

[amcgltdchix]

I tried to join a Mom's group (Hey always worth a shot to meet new people and find out what kind of fun kid stuff there is out there), and I was asked what I do for a living-ok veterinary medicine (how cute! you pet animals for a living* stop me from slapping her)and then I say I'm a sex educator(since 1996) and passion consultant. *record players stops* and she and a few friends immediately rose their eyebrows and excused themselves from my presence.

WTF? Ok, so no moms group for me! Very awkward. :/:mad:

[LBTC]

Well, if it's any consolation, I think your professions are very interesting and well-rounded. I'd like to say something nasty about uptight persons, but I guess they have their reasons. It's easy enough for you to not go again. It sounds like it's their loss!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Flur]

I don't know you, but these don't sound like women that you'd really want to spend time with anyway. They definitely don't sound like people I'd want to spend time with. I agree, their loss.

[rij73]

They just up and walked away? How rude!

[Tuckervill]

Do you live in the South? Then I'm not surprised.

You may have to search a little harder for people who are more open. And google the names of the groups, because some of them don't say it out front, but many are very conservative and Christianity based.

Karen

[nic840]

Ahhhh I hear you on trying to join Mom's groups. Some if not most have a hard time having new people join their group. Why? I am not sure.

Wish you lived out on the West Coast as I have no doubt you would be welcome in our loose knit wacky group. Trust me you want to meet people with similar interests and discipline styles...

They are not my biking buddies, not my school buddies - we just met through a Mom's group when the kids were young. The group was big - 15 or so, as the kids got older it has slimmed down to a core 7 or so.
We get along and hang out just enough to stave off the crazys that go along with motherhood.

Keep trying to meet people. I have met some of the best Moms/kids in the last few years through kids gymnastics and classes with the kids.

And remember you don't have to be best of friends...just to know that they understand what you are going through and can support you is the best.

Good Luck and having "Mom" friends is really important...just as important as my cycling, pub and soccer friends!

[nic840]

Oh I forgot to say that those women were probably the ones who would benefit most from your services!!! Poor Husbands!

[amcgltdchix]

They just amazed me. Really. I kept feeling that was the typical 'stay at mom home' attitude was. Then I got to thinking...if I was stay at home, I would not be like that.

I prefer to think they just need the B*&tch F'd back in the box for once. :) Perhaps then they will not be so judgmental:rolleyes:.

[solobiker]

Well, if it's any consolation, I think your professions are very interesting and well-rounded. I'd like to say something nasty about uptight persons, but I guess they have their reasons. It's easy enough for you to not go again. It sounds like it's their loss!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

I agree with the above. Some people live in their own little worlds and are intimidated with anything outside of their "norm". They will often block people out of their groups or try to isolate others. I say don't worry about it and just know, as LBTC said, it is their loss.

[pardes]

It's probably a self-concept issue with these women who guard their group from interlopers. Your resume is truly amazing and wonderful and it probably blew them out of the water.

People are always worth a second chance in my opinion. Offer them a free bellydancing lesson sometime. The more horrified they are about that and sex therapy, the more they need someone to tease them out of their obsessive attitude.

Just a thought. I grew up in the south and ran the gauntlet through a few groups like that. But man oh man, once they opened up and relaxed there were no better friends. I found myself a tangential "member" of some rather extremist groups and the diversity did more for me than anyone.

On the other hand, if they were real stinkers and rude to you, you don't have to turn the other cheek. It's just that in situations like that I think everyone loses. They lose your sparkling and very funny personality and energy and you lose an opportunity to practice compassion.

Well, okay, I did draw the line at the fundamentalist snake-handling church. They didn't understand me when I asked them if they had bothered to ask the snakes if they WANTED to dance. (It was my Zen period in the sixties where....FAR OUT....everything is a sentient being....Ohhhhmmmmmmm". I was politely asked to leave although they did insist that I still sing Alto for a member's funeral who died from snakebite.

I passed on the singing. We all have our limits.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It's possible they thought you were getting a kick out of purposely trying to provoke them.

Maybe you could start your own mom's group with like-minded women?

[KnottedYet]

Do you know about Hip Mama? http://www.hipmama.com/

They have meet ups, and there might be one near you: http://hipmama.meetup.com/

There used to be a message board (kinda like this one) that I clung to for dear life for a while, but I can't find it.

[Natural Beauty]

LOL...I'm sorry. But when I read your post I thought. "What a stupid thing for them to say about being a Vet!" "How RUDE and IGNORANT"

Then I read the part about you being a passion consultant and maybe they were just afraid of your good advice....This was a moms group right? maybe they didn't want any more kids....pregnancy is in the water you know. :D

[Irulan]

Sometimes you have to shop around for a group that feels right. Just because a group of women have kids the same age doesn't mean you'll have common values or interests.

I've found parent cooperatives preschools are a great way to meet moms. Theses are usually run by adult education, at least in the two cities I did this kind of program. It beat the heck out of the lap swimming mommies I was a part of - they kicked me out because my baby was fussy-, or the officially organized M.O.M.S group I checked out that was incredibly unsupportive and *****y and downright nasty if you weren't in the same room.

I suppose it would go against a professional image to say, "what's the face about, haven't you had a really great orgasm lately?"

I was a in home lingerie sales person for many years - I tended to not let that out of the bag right away just because people are so weird sometimes.

[Crankin]

A subject dear to my heart...
I had a very negative attitude toward anything "Mommy and Me." When I had my first son, I was teaching and many of the other teachers also had babies. Baby talk everywhere. So, after I had registered to take 2 English classes at ASU during summer school, arranged for day care, I got a thing in the mail from the JCC about a class for moms and toddlers. I don't know what possessed me, but I dropped the grad classes and took my kid to the group. There were like 25 women and their babies there. They also had a play group and a couples group. I started on a journey of all things toddler for 2 months! They broke me down. Everyone was nice, though much too obsessed with their kids. They thought I was weird because I dragged my kid to the gym with me to do aerobics everyday. A couple of months later, when I announced pregnancy #2 someone said," Oh, you're going to quit your job now, right?"
Like h*ll I was.
But, 25 years later and a move across the country, I still consider 3 of these people some of my closest friends. I might not see them for a year or two, but when I go back to Tempe, I slip right in and it's like I never left. Our kids have grown up remarkably similar, despite the distance.
My advice is find a group that you have something in common with and ignore the judgmental ones. I know that I never was able to "fit in" with any of my neighbors, because they were the same uptight, prudish types of moms you describe.

[mudmucker]

Pardes, I believe you just joined this forum. I so love your attitude.


Well, okay, I did draw the line at the fundamentalist snake-handling church. They didn't understand me when I asked them if they had bothered to ask the snakes if they WANTED to dance. (It was my Zen period in the sixties where....FAR OUT....everything is a sentient being....Ohhhhmmmmmmm". I was politely asked to leave although they did insist that I still sing Alto for a member's funeral who died from snakebite.

I passed on the singing. We all have our limits.

You are too funny.

[TahoeDirtGirl]

This brings up something I have been struggling with, how do you just find friends in general? I've been struggling on the east coast trying to find likeminded friends but I am not finding any. I read once that when you move somewhere new, it takes 3 years to find friends. When I meet people here I find that I get this air of disbelief on all the things I have done with my life. Why is that??

There are a couple of mtn biking 'groups' that I'm thinking of meeting up with, they are kind of far away, but at least meeting people that will understand why I like to ride for hours on end might be a start :)

My vote is to start your own Mommy group. BTW I think they were jealous of you, that's why they got up and left :)

[Becky]

This brings up something I have been struggling with, how do you just find friends in general? I've been struggling on the east coast trying to find likeminded friends but I am not finding any. I read once that when you move somewhere new, it takes 3 years to find friends. When I meet people here I find that I get this air of disbelief on all the things I have done with my life. Why is that??

There are a couple of mtn biking 'groups' that I'm thinking of meeting up with, they are kind of far away, but at least meeting people that will understand why I like to ride for hours on end might be a start :)

My vote is to start your own Mommy group. BTW I think they were jealous of you, that's why they got up and left :)

+1 gajillion! I'm slowly making friends (even though I've lived here for 10 years now)....strangely enough, most of them seem to be people i've met through my part-time job and volunteer activities. DH and I have decided that we just don't have an East Coast mindset, and would probably fit in better out west....someday.

[Andrea]

Has anyone here been on the other side of the table? Have you been one of those that raised an eyebrow and were turned away by someone's apparent lack of morals?

I'm with everyone else on the whole situation (especially since I live in the South and encounter similar situations on a regular basis)

Just trying to hear both sides :D

[OakLeaf]

I've never gone so far as to get up and literally walk away. But there have been times when someone's made a racist, heterosexist or pro-war comment that I really wish I HAD had the nerve to leave, or at least to confront them.

I'm with everyone else on this particular situation though.

[Crankin]

Tahoe Dirt Girl, I understand what you are saying. It is hard to break into social circles here in MA. I say that as a native who has lived in both the west and the south. People are less transient here and are more bound up with families, parents, or the friends they have always had. It is not as bad now as when I was a kid and I think it varies from town to town. In AZ, whenever a I met a new person who I seemed to have something in common with, I invited them to dinner. Many friendships developed. When I moved back here, I tried that and everyone who I invited canceled "suddenly" before the date. I made my friends here through volunteering at my synagogue, the gym, work, and once in a great while, a parent of my kid's friends. When I moved here my kids were young, but already in school, so I was not involved with "play groups."
I say find a common interest, whether it is cycling or something else and keep trying different groups until you click.
I am now in the position of having outgrown the friends I made here 18 years ago. One in particular is like a relative that I don't want to be mean to, but I can't stand listening to. We spend most of our time with friends we met through cycling. They are a little younger than us, but they don't have kids and since ours are grown, we are all free to come and go as we please. They pretty much lead their lives around cycling, x country skiing, and eating out, so it's great. My other friends think our outdoor lifestyle is crazy and I am getting sick of their attitude.

[indigoiis]

Have you considered that they just didn't know what the heck you were talking about? I've never heard of a Passion consultant. I probably would have raised an eyebrow and said, quite bluntly, "a what?"

I always assume people just don't know, rather than assume they are being snooty. Half the time they are just confused.

I am a project manager and an alpaca farmer. It takes much explaining, cuz lots of folks don't know what a project manager does nor what an alpaca is. And then they get confused because I work at a job and yet I get home and farm.

I think you seriously need to consider your motives when announcing what you do, with the understanding that a.) some explanation may be necessary and b.) people still may not know what the heck you're talking about and c.) as with Tupperware salespeople and Pampered Chef party planners, there is a certain level of mistrust and discomfort people feel when introduced to concept work like that - especially in a group scenario (where you have the potential of not only making friends, but picking up new clients - and it begs the question whether you can be both.) I know that oftentimes when talking to local farmers about alpacas, they get uncomfortable because they think I am trying to sell them animals.

How do you make friends? Care more about how you feel about them then what you think they think about you.

[tulip]

I'm not a Mom and never will be (by choice, thankyouverymuch), and I have had several colleagues and friends turn into babytalkaholics even though they swore they never would...I have gotten up and excused myself when the babytalk got too much. Diaper stories in the lunchroom at work was just too much. They have lost all respect for the rest of us.

But I digress.

Finding people with common interests and making friends is tough, and having a kid does not automatically make common interests. I moved to a new city one year ago. I work from home, so I don't have work-related friends. My interests are gardening, kayaking, French, and cooking (oh and cycling, of course). I've met some gardeners, joined a French conversation club, and do club bike rides. I have made a few what I would call friends, but I'm pretty cautious/shy. I also like doing things on my own and do not need people around me in order to be happy; in fact, having constant company wears me out. I do have a significant other, who shares all of my interests, but he lives a few hours away.

I guess if I were yearning for company I'd seek it out a bit more, but so far, I'm not. Next week I'll be moving into my new house, and it's in a real neighborly neighborhood, which can be both a blessing and a nightmare. Luckily I have a privacy fence behind which I can retreat if I don't want to be sociable, but also a front porch for the times when I do.

I agree with indigoiis a bit. Announcing that you are a passion consultant packs alot of punch, and I would expect reactions to vary. Shock value can be quite entertaining, but it can also drive people away. I would probably find ways of excusing myself if someone were to say their job was something that I found uncomfortable (like the aforementioned evangelical snake handlers or Amway reps).

[TahoeDirtGirl]

Yeah on the other hand, I have had people say something that was opposite of what I would find tasteful and just made that mental note to just clam up. We all say weird or crazy things, and I'm so guilty of putting my foot in my mouth, but when someone says something mean or hurtful on purpose, well, that's just another story.

I remember meeting a friend's friend a few years ago, and every time she opened her mouth it was some mean comment. After my one beer maximum, I blurted out "well other than perfecting your rude disposition, what else do you like to do?". I have no idea where it came from, I'm not that quick witted. I sort of regretted saying, but the last comment was about a really overweight woman. She didn't need to go there.