Disappointment after a ride (long)

[cycling@42]

Okay...I'm going to try this again. Today I rode a 50K. It was my first organized ride and I did it with a friend and another women. I rode very well for me. I did 32.5 miles in 1 hour and 59 minutes. That is hardly race pace. Now, my friend gave me a really hard time for riding like I did. She said I was riding it like it was a race. It was to be fun. Well, it was fun for me. The really odd thing, is she was in front of me the entire ride, with the exception of a climb. That is only because my bike is more for climbing. There were snack stops along the way, but I had told her that I was not going to stop. I ride 20-30 miles regularly and never stop so I didn't see the need. She was okay with that on the phone last night but when it came to the ride today, she was really mad at me. She stopped and then caught up with me and said "What the ___k? This isn't a race." I reminded her that I was not going to stop. She and this other women set the pace, from the get go. I just followed. What is the deal here? I made my intentions known from the start. Am I missing out on some riding manners or something? I don't see what the problem is when they were in front of me the entire ride! I'm really hurt and angry. She is the one that introduced me to riding a year ago. They say the $ we paid to ride the ride was for the food. It was $16.00! I thought that was to raise the $ for the local library. Even if it was for the food...am I wrong for not wanting it? I felt incredibly ridiculed and told how I SHOULD ride the ride. My friend said this ride was to be fun and I told her it was fun for me. Her response was "Well, I'm glad YOU had fun." I told her that if she wanted to stop to go ahead. I'm really confused. Help me out here ladies!!

[pennys]

wow, sounds like you were with some mismatched partners.
It sounds like you made yourself pretty clear... about that you weren't going to stop.

Perhaps you were a convient target for other unknown issues?

I don't see how they can complain if you were behind them the whole way - me I would have probalby said something to them regarding that.
I've gotten to the point where I am pretty direct with people:
You set the pace, why are you complianing when you are in front of me. Why is it a problem for you if I chose not to eat? We talked about this last night, you said you were ok with... and so on.
It sounds like they own the problem not you.

One thing I have found over the years is that sometimes it can take a while to find the right folks to ride with... and that as we get to different places in our sport our needs can change.

Penny S

[han-grrl]

on the MS bike tour last year, a friend organized a team of 5 of us. We agreed to stop at the stops, and that we weren't racing. At first it seemed that i had a couple of Lance Armstrong wannabes in our group. They set a ridiculous pace for a 125 km ride (day 1 was 120 km day 2 was 65 km). I decided to stay back. Two of my team mates realized it and helped me along. we ended up losing the other two, and we figured somewhere along the route we would meet up with them again. Which we did. And they were furious, because they couldn't find us. If they took a second to think of things logically...the first rest stop was chaos, and they knew we couldn't be THAT far back, just wait at the second or third stop (which is what we did), until we eventually would meet up again. Heck, they were the ones that took off to begin with.

They made a big fuss, and i said, "look we're all grouped up again, let's forget it and just enjoy the rest of the day". well one of the two did. the other one...well he just went off in a huff. The rest of us enjoyed completing the first 85 km to the "short loop" finish, celebrated making it to 100 km, and jumped for joy at 125 km. the other guy was so p***ed that he cut his ride short the first day.

some people get so focussed about getting upset that they don't use a little common sense to deal with the problem. If your friend really needed a stop, she should have just said so, politely.

my two cents

Han

[cycling@42]

Thank you for your posts. This is really bothering me. This is supposed to be my best friend and I'm just hurt. Mostly by her mean-spiritedness. I was riding in a threesome but riding alone. I think pennys may be right that I was the target for other issues. Sure doesn't feel good! Anyway, I do appreciate all your comments.

[liner]

I would bet that your friend is a little jealous and envious because you are riding so well after just one year. She is probably worried that you are going to be better than her. If she was a true friend, she would want you to do what is best for you, not for her.

Liner

[diane]

Ok - I'll play "devil's advocate" here and say when you agree to ride with friends, you all must compromise if you want to ride together. That might mean stopping when you aren't ready or don't see the need. That might mean pushing the pace more than you want or going slower than you might normally do. It is about a "group" ride. My husband almost never stays with the group and does his own thing. I rode with two women a week ago Saturday and two other women a week ago Sunday. We all stayed together till the last few miles back into home base. I stopped way more than I wanted to or needed to but had chosen to be part of a group. I like riding like that. BUT... sometimes I prefer challenging myself and just do my own thing. Biking should be pleasurable for you so you should be able to do what you want. She should never have gotten upset that you didn't stop. But at that point, you chose to not be part of the group and that should be okay too. She should apologize for excessive venting!

[cycling@42]

Hi all. Just wanted to post that I called my girlfriend last night. The start of the conversation was not good but hopefully it was resolved. This is what happened that really made her angry. I had her inhaler and power gel in my bike shirt pocket. When they stopped, I handed the stuff to the other women, who also had a pocket in her shirt. That is what made my friend mad. She said it looked like I was sneaking off. She decided to catch me to "show me" and then she rode like heck the rest of the ride. I reminded her that I was behind them the entire ride, with the exception of when I didn't stop and when I passed them on the hill. At the end of the ride she said to me that she had never seen me ride like that before. I said "We don't ride together much anymore...you don't know how I ride." Those were my exact words. What she heard was along the line of..."I'm better than you and will be doing a triathalon soon" Wow, when she told me that, I was blown out of the water! How she got that from what I said, I don't know. She said she couldn't get that out of her head and felt as though I was really being cocky!?! I apologized for not saying specifically to her that I had given her inhaler and gel to the other women. She apologized also for whatever she said. We agreed that we won't ride together again. (bummer) I said I hope that this silly ride would not ruin our friendship. She wanted me to say I was wrong but I told her I would not do that. I made my intentions clear, prior to the ride. I guess time heals all wounds. About three days after this happened I was looking at it completely different then I did the day it happened. I was actually chuckling at how stupid the whole thing was. Only hope she can do the same. Thank you all for your thoughts on the matter...I do appreciate it. It helped me with processing the entire thing.

[DoubleLori]

Wow, what I find most amazing about your disastrous ride is that your friend wasn't carrying her own inhaler! That is a pretty critical item. She shouldn't be relying on someone else to carry it, and then getting huffy when you didn't all stay together. EACH person on a ride needs to carry items to be self-sufficient (water, patch kit, spare tube, pump, tools, money, spare clothing such as arm & leg warmers, emergency food, emergency meds like inhalers, etc). No one should be relying on someone else to carry things for them. That is not fair to the other person(s).

[zephyr]

I totally agree with DoubleLori that it wasn't fair for her to be relying on you to hold things she may need at a critical moment, like her inhaler! That's like having you on a leash, practically.
It seems like the whole thing may have been avoided if she had just carried her own stuff! Maybe you should get her a little making-up gift--a jersey with pockets! :)
At any rate, glad to hear that it was settled; I'm sure it will blow over and the friendship will be none the worse for the wear.

[cycling@42]

buying her a jersey with pockets. I did buy her one this summer!! The bummer of it is that I've never seen her wear it.
We (my husband, my girlfriend and her husband) went out to dinner this past weekend. I'm fine with this whole thing now. She is not. She considered cancelling our dinner plans! I'm just aghast at how angry she still is about this, after almost a month!
Oh well! She told me she just can't let it go. Not much I can do on that front...that is up to her. I'm sad about the whole situation but I believe there is a lesson in all that comes our way!
Thanks for your thoughts!

[pennys]

Like I said, I think your friend has issues.

[Trek420]

Thought: maybe your friend was folowing a cycling tradition and had decided you should be her domestique?

Just kidding. Seriously it was unwise at best of her to ride without something so essential to her health. She's lucky she did not need it, because if she did even if you were right beside her it would not be fast enough. I've learned one rarely makes friends by pointing out to them that you are right. Hopefully she will come back around 8-)