broken heart how long?

[ginny]

Hi girls... I don't know why it's easier to ask invisible computer cycling people these questions, but alas, maybe it's the antisocial scientist in me...
Nearly a year ago, my husband of seven years broke my heart and told me he wanted a divorce. He didn't give an excuse other than he didn't want to have to hang out with me when he would rather be kayaking or mtn biking after he came home from traveling for his job. I guess I have never had my heart broken before. I was a basket case (still kind of am...). After he delivered the news, he proceeded to live at our house until I made him sign the quit claim and got the mortgage in my name and started charging him rent... it took about 3 months after that for him to finally move out. It was probably the worst time of my life. I asked the doctor for drugs (for depression - she told me to self medicate by running).

Anyway, as a symbolic gesture of my moving on, I put a profile on match.com. I wasn't interested in 'meeting' anyone, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm moving on and it's okay to see someone else". I went on a bunch of lousy first dates.... and then.... in Novemeber or December a *promising* sort of boy started emailing me. He knows the whole situation. We have been dating since late January (yes, for the conservatives out there, the divorce is final). All seems fine... he wants me to move to the town he lives in (it's close, but would require a new job and a move). He has a good job there; though he was willing to relocate here until he got that job. I have a horse, a donkey, an old dog, and I am a biochemist (not the easiest job to find in some random city). The barns up there are okay, but nowhere near the ideal situation now (they live at home with a barn, paddock, pasture, and my dog and I can go whenever we like). I live in a little log house in the woods with spectacular views. Mu dog seems to have a brain tumor and he has seizures from time to time. Right now we have carpet which is good for a dog that flops on the ground from time to time, and the new boy has hard wood floors. Moreover, the dog has lived where I am for six years. He has a dog door and comes and goes as he pleases and whiles the days away on the porch. The new boy lives in a Beaver Cleaver 1950s tract house with all his stuff in it and no room for my stuff. I have had an interview for a job that pays better than the one I have now, but would be WAY boring (analytical work rather than research).

Then, today I saw the ex to pick up some files that somehow ended up with him... and I have been a mess all day. Am I still in love with him? Am I mourning the loss of what I thought was super good? Why can't I get over this? What should I do about the move? If I was to be perfectly honest, other than the new boy, I wouldn't want to move to that other city. I have always made my personal life a priority over my career (that didn't work out so well for me last time), and now I'm scared out of my mind to make this sort of leap. I will keep my house (we plan to lease it out as a vacation home - anyone have any ideas about how to do this, I'm all ears), and I know enough people at the university here that I could probably come back...

insight, something to make me laugh, opinions, would all be welcome... thanks!:o

[kat_h]

I'm not good for advice but I'd like to offer some general encouragement.

You don't mention how far away the new city is. My mom and her husband live about 100 km apart and that has worked for them for 15 years. Don't rush into moving if you're not sure you want to.

[Skierchickie]

I'm so sorry for the rough time you've had, things like that can never be easy. I could be totally off base, but it doesn't really sound like you are ready. A relationship is one thing, but leaving a whole lot of things you love for a pretty new relationship is another. If it is right, I like to believe that it doesn't require that much thought, or giving up that much. It just generally sounds to me like you have a pretty long list of reasons to stay, at least for now. Besides the fact that you may not be completely over the ex yet (some things need to be worked through for a long time before really moving on).

Why not give it some time? Let things fall into place? Things may seem clearer, or push you one way or another naturally. This is all coming from somebody with no sense of adventure, though - I'm a regular stick in the mud.

I hope things work out well for you, whatever you decide!

[Ninabike]

I'm no expert either, but it sounds like you feel you have some urgency about making some sort of move to get on with your life. At the same time, you want to hang onto what is familiar and is also very important to your life - your job, your animals, etc. If I were you, I think I would give it a little more time. Think about just you, and what you are really about and what matters to you. There is plenty of time to get involved in other relationships and not have to give up what matters to you. Again, I am no expert but this is just MHO

[redrhodie]

You list a lot of cons to moving, and no pros. Based on that, I say don't move. You seem to love your little log cabin.

The new guy is *promising*, but is it that butterflies in your stomache, can't wait to see him, think about him every minute you're apart feeling? If it is that, maybe look for a new place together. Start fresh on a place you both can agree on.

As far as I can tell, the only thing that mends a broken heart quickly is new love. Other than that, time is your friend.

[mimitabby]

so you saw the ex and now you feel bad. You probably do have feelings, not to mention the disappointment of your marriage going south. you'll get through this too.

I hear you blaming your dog's infirmities on why you don't want to move, but i'll bet it's more than just that. You don't say how far the new BF is from where you live. I agree with kat. what's the rush? stay where you are!

[sbctwin]

I have had a similar experience. My ex thought that he could move his girlfriend into our home and they would live in the basement until our divorce:mad: and was angry with me when I kicked him out of the house when he said he wanted a divorce. I didn't keep the house, but stayed in it until I found a nice place to move to. I was in horrible emotional pain for a long time and was in counseling for over a year. My self-esteem was at its lowest for a long time.

I would give yourself more time. How long ago was the divorce final. I always heard you need to give yourself at least a year (more like 3 for me)before making any other type of radical changes in your life. Did you every read "The 5 stages of Grief" by I believe Kubler-Ross. A divorce does follow these steps (I wish I could remember them now, but it has been 20 years since my divorce).

More money in a job doesn't mean anything if you aren't happy with what you are doing. Your current living situation sounds so ideal, I would find it difficult to give it up.

If this new relationship is 'right', it will be there in six months or more until you feel sure you are ready to move on.

[cyclinnewbie]

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like maybe you're trying to talk yourself out of moving.

For me, I just KNOW when things are right, and when they're not. My mom always taught me to go with my gut, so I guess that's what I would recommend to you. If you're not totally sold, maybe it's not the best thing for you to do right now. If he's worth his salt, he will understand.

As far as the ex goes....divorce is like a death. Mourning a divorce is like mourning a death, except you get to see the person from time to time, which makes it even harder, I think. I've got NO pearls for wisdom for ya on that one.

Listen to your gut, and you will do the right thing. Remember that YOU have to do what's right for YOU.

[imdeanna]

Loss (regardless of type/circumstance) can take a lot of time to come to peace with.....

If you re-read your post....you gave a lot of reasons why you shouldn't move and very little reasons why you should. I think you already know that you are not ready to make the 'move' at this time.....

Personally I think your ex sounds like a very selfish person.....and you are in love with the 'him' that you wished he was, and are forgetting the 'him' that he really is..... did he treat you well while you were together? did he spend the time with you that you would like in a relationship?

Also, just because he was not 'the one' for you, doesn't mean you have to feel hatred toward him....so don't confuse 'caring' for him as a person as still being 'in love' with him.

[Zen]

Whoa.
Slow down there.
I don't know how old you are but my best advice is to take this time to get to know yourself and realize how strong you really are. You may find you enjoy being unencumbered.

As for this "boy", well...it's just not the right time.

[malkin]

Hi girls... I don't know why it's easier to ask invisible computer cycling people these questions, but alas, maybe it's the antisocial scientist in me...

It's easier for me too. Talking in person to people who care about me, can reduce me instantly to a pool of tears. Somehow writing it down makes the issue distant enough to look at it even if I'm still wallowing in it.


Nearly a year ago, my husband of seven years broke my heart and told me he wanted a divorce.

How cliche. Seven year itch.


I guess I have never had my heart broken before. I was a basket case (still kind of am...).

Alas.


After he delivered the news, he proceeded to live at our house until I made him sign the quit claim and got the mortgage in my name and started charging him rent... it took about 3 months after that for him to finally move out. It was probably the worst time of my life.

I can only imagine how awful this could be. When my soon to be ex proposed a similar situation, I went on tour to stay with friends and family for a couple months.


I asked the doctor for drugs (for depression - she told me to self medicate by running).

Exercise is good, but not when what you need is pharmaceutical support. You can nag your doctor; you can find a new doctor.


Anyway, as a symbolic gesture of my moving on, I put a profile on match.com. I wasn't interested in 'meeting' anyone, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm moving on and it's okay to see someone else". I went on a bunch of lousy first dates.... and then.... in Novemeber or December a *promising* sort of boy started emailing me. He knows the whole situation. We have been dating since late January (yes, for the conservatives out there, the divorce is final).

Good for you!!!




All seems fine... he wants me to move to the town he lives in (it's close, but would require a new job and a move).).

This bit has me scratching my head and wondering why he wants you to move.


He has a good job there; though he was willing to relocate here until he got that job.

He can't possibly know how good his job is until he's had it for at least a year!!



I have a horse, a donkey, an old dog, and I am a biochemist (not the easiest job to find in some random city). The barns up there are okay, but nowhere near the ideal situation now (they live at home with a barn, paddock, pasture, and my dog and I can go whenever we like). I live in a little log house in the woods with spectacular views. Mu dog seems to have a brain tumor and he has seizures from time to time. Right now we have carpet which is good for a dog that flops on the ground from time to time, and the new boy has hard wood floors. Moreover, the dog has lived where I am for six years. He has a dog door and comes and goes as he pleases and whiles the days away on the porch.

When I read this section, (after I get over my jealousy) it sounds like you like your living situation, home, work, and critters or maybe you even love it.


The new boy lives in a Beaver Cleaver 1950s tract house with all his stuff in it and no room for my stuff. I have had an interview for a job that pays better than the one I have now, but would be WAY boring (analytical work rather than research).

When I read this section, um, well, it doesn't sound so much like this situation is what you are hoping for.



Then, today I saw the ex to pick up some files that somehow ended up with him... and I have been a mess all day.

After a year? Although I'd never hold myself up as a picture of mental health, I can still be a mess anytime my ex does anything remotely civil and we've been divorced for about 17 years!


Am I still in love with him?

Yes, no, maybe so; it doesn't matter, and it is unlikely that you can figure it out anyway.


Am I mourning the loss of what I thought was super good?

Maybe.
Why can't I get over this?

You can; you will. Just not yet.


What should I do about the move? If I was to be perfectly honest, other than the new boy, I wouldn't want to move to that other city.

You started to answer your own question here, all that's left is to figure out if the boy is a fair trade for your current situation.


I have always made my personal life a priority over my career (that didn't work out so well for me last time), and now I'm scared out of my mind to make this sort of leap. .

Of course you're scared! It's scary!


I will keep my house (we plan to lease it out as a vacation home - anyone have any ideas about how to do this, I'm all ears), and I know enough people at the university here that I could probably come back....

Not irreversable. Good perspective.


insight, something to make me laugh, opinions, would all be welcome... thanks!:o

OK, something to make you laugh: Think of rehearsing scenes from Twelfth Night with 6th and 7th grade boys with autism.

[teigyr]

Ginny, your ex-husband sounds very selfish and kind of mentally abusive. It sounds like you went through a rough time.

I agree with everyone else. When it's time, you will know it.

After my divorce, I went out with people (some more seriously than others) and there were situations where I thought it was "it". For some reason, I couldn't make the decision to go further and I'd blame it on so many things. I lived in a horrible house yet I didn't want to move...I couldn't uproot my old blind cat (seriously!), etc. After more time went by, I realized it was me and the other person wasn't right for me. Honestly, the idea of commitment didn't bother me but the idea of losing what was "mine" gave me hives. After several years of dating and finding people I liked but couldn't commit fully to, I met DH. After several months, I realized that giving up my house and combining our lives was a good thing.

As far as a broken heart goes, yeah. I had that but I also had some deep-seated anger, some fears and insecurities, and all sorts of other things that a failed marriage can bring on.

Give it time. Your ex-dh and the new boy are two different issues but you do need to be over your ex-dh. Then, you have to meet the RIGHT person :D New bf might be right but don't rush it. Unfortunately for new-bf, he might just be part of your healing process and you have yet to meet the right person.

As far as how long it takes to get over it goes, I've seen people who reconciled their hurt early on and can go back into relationships quickly. I think though if a divorce came suddenly and without warning (ie you weren't in control), it'll take a bit longer to go through the grieving process.

Good luck :)

I'm jealous of your donkey! I grew up with one when I was younger. He used to chase cars :)

[bluebug32]

I've been in a long distance relationship (4+ hrs. apart) for nearly 5 years. It can work and, while it can be trying at times, it can really hash out if the relationship is going somewhere or not and how committed the other person is.

Realize that it's hard to let go of things. You may be longing for the idea of living with someone like you did for 7 years, more than you're longing to be with that person again.

[DDH]

I may have missed something when I read your post, but how long have the new bf and you been together?
Okay, I just went down and re-read your post. The two of you have only known each other for approx. 6 months. You also didn't say that you were in love with this new boy. You called him a nice boy that came into your life but I didn't see any mention of love for him.

Logically speaking, I dont' think I would change my life for someone I hadn't known any longer than this or someone I didn't or couldn't say I was in love with.

I think like the other girls, that by your own post, you have talked yourself out of it by mentioning all the cons and no pros.

As far as your x is concerned, no one says there is a time limit on how long it takes to get over a divorce. Give yourself the time you need and take this time to get to know the new you without your x.

[Melalvai]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but wanted to contribute my support. I too feel better after sharing such things on here, and lots better after reading all the supportive comments validating that things really are kind of sucky. We're not antisocial, we're differently social!

To make you laugh, um, PhD Comics? It takes about 6 hours to read the archives from 1997 to current. I don't know what your career track is but if you're a university scientist you will relate. (And possibly you are one of many who have told me recently to go read them. Which I do religiously.)

[KnottedYet]

I've moved in once with someone after dating less than a year. It was a disaster. I will never Never NEVER do it again.
Please, be careful.

My ex was a real PITA, but now that we've been apart for a couple years, there are sweet little cards, presents, little notes with clippings from newspapers and magazines. (even presents for my son every birthday and Christmas)

Meanwhile, I can't get some of my precious belongings back. They've been "thrown away."

It's weird, it's kind of sick, it's very manipulative.

Exes are exes, make them stay that way in reality and in your mind. What you had always looks better when you're feeling lonely or insecure, recognize you're going to feel that way occaisionally, and just ride it out.

It does get easier as time goes by.

[shootingstar]

Time helps calm a person.

Find peace in your heart and brain first. Then you can sort out if you want to relocate with bf or figure out him/your heart, etc.

Might take awhile. If you love your log cabin and can support yourself, stay there for awhile.

[activediva]

God knows I'm the last one to follow good logical advice; I had a one night stand and then married him. 11 years later....bliss *cough* well very close to bliss. ;)

Sounds to me like you are settling for a spark. Why not wait and dive in when you have a fire? I wouldn't make drastic changes if it meant redefining myself to fit someone else's mold. But that's just me.

Time usually heals everything and you will probably find peace and love on a different level with your ex. I think that's natural, after all, you were married. Someone special will come into your life and it will feel right, you won't have to question. And you animals will love it too!

[makbike]

Ginny,

Take care of you and your buddies. It takes time for your heart and soul to heal. Lord knows I'm still walking the road to recovery. I can honestly say with each passing day it does get better. That said, it does not mean I still don't want to walk up to my exBF and sucker punch him, lol. But the urge to do so has diminished greatly. Chrisette Michelle has a song out "The Best of Me" which talks about healing after a breakup - listen to her message. The bottom line is you have to find the best in you. If the "boy in the next town" is really your next partner he will patiently wait for you to heal and feel comfortable with the situation. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything. Healing is a slow possess. A good counselor, a solid group of friends and your animals will help make this journey a bit easier. Take care!

[violette]

I don't want to sound negative, but what happens if the relationship doesn't work out. What are you going to do if you've moved. You'd be left with nothing. Take your time, work out things with your ex, have closure before you rush into another relationship. I've seen many women get in trouble because they rushed into moving with someone, only to end up being in a bad relationship because they didn't know the person as well as they did.

[Duck on Wheels]

Speaking from recall of various break-ups ... having a pang now and then, even if triggered by seeing the ex, wasn't about any residual feelings for the ex. It was more about a lingering sense of lowered self-esteem that any break-up, even the ones I initiated, always seemed to leave like some metaphorical ring of scum on the bathtub. My advice is that you scrub that tub. You should feel like you're shiningly proud of yourself. You should be convinced, and not just intellectually, that the breakup was about ex's inadequacies and not any that concerned you. He was the one who withdrew into himself, was immature, hadn't learned to value you enough that the relatinoship could reach that critical momentum where each partner's own pleasure grows from pleasing the other. His loss. Your gain to be free to find that magical momentum elsewhere. The first step is to find it in yourself. Love yourself. Be proud of your achievements, of your full range of emotions, and so on ... Then, from that perspective, does your new relationship beau measure up? Are you both helping each other grow and thrive? If so, then he'll be proud of you for wanting to make a comfortable final home for your furbaby. You'll work that out and he won't pressure you to move.

[indigoiis]

Take time for yourself. Have a little fun. Enjoy your wonderful house and animals and the life that you have made for yourself. Heartache sucks but time is the ultimate fix.

Be thankful that you found out what a **** the ex was sooner rather than later. Now is the time to figure out what YOU want.

The new guy, if he is the right thing, will stick around and somehow you will come together. But I would not jump from the frying pan into the fire right now, if it were me.

[KSH]

Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly! :)

[ginny]

thanks, everyone for your words of encouragement. My pony was such a love bug last night... apparently she *knew* I was having a rough day. I brought my trusty bike into town today and plan on skipping out today for a nice long ride. In general, I sort of feel like I'm making progress and healing from this lousy situation. It just amazes me how just seeing exdh reduces me to where I was six months ago. Thanks for the words of comfort girls, you are the greatest! ;)

[mimitabby]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.


Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly! :)

[KSH]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.

Well, thanks! You call it wise... others call it bitter.

Either way, my life is great and that's all that matters. :)

[mimitabby]

I'd call it bitter if you wouldn't have a boyfriend.


and too many women really believe they can't live without a partner. it takes
strength to find out that you really can.

[sundial]

Whoa.
Slow down there.
I don't know how old you are but my best advice is to take this time to get to know yourself and realize how strong you really are. You may find you enjoy being unencumbered.

As for this "boy", well...it's just not the right time.

+1

When I first met my now husband, I knew by the second date we were meant for each other. We've been married for 18 years.

[Crankin]

I knew I was going to marry my husband on our first date. We moved in together after a month, got engaged after 3 months, and got married after 6 months. That was almost 29 years ago.
Some said it wouldn't last, but we knew it would. I was married briefly to a real a****** before that and dated a couple of guys seriously in between. One broke my heart, but I was fine when I met my husband. I lived on my own for 3 years and it was fun, but I like being with someone. I know I can take care of myself, but honestly, after all of these years, it would be lonely. I have lots of interests and good friends, but I do spend most of my time with my husband (and our bikes).
At the age I am now, I would not rush to move in with someone like I did when I was 25. And I would think twice about giving up my house and my job.

[carpaltunnel]

ginny you have a lot of good advice from wise and experienced people in this thread. I don't have to add anything except those of us who have been through what you're going through are pulling for you. In time you'll feel better but it's not a straight upward curve, it's ups & downs. Don't get discouraged and trust your instincts. Best of luck!