Cycling couple-nutso communication

[shootingstar]

With my partner we do share a love of cycling and cycling is infused in our life in a way that we might almost take it for granted --if that makes any sense.

However there have been some major cycling/bike related things he caught me by surprise without any discussion:
*he sets up a cycling planning consulting firm with 2 other biz partners. (at least he told me a few wks. before they files biz incorporation papers with the govn’t)
*he books a self-planned bike trip to Europe for several wks. with a biz partner.
*he bought a folding bike….he just showed me his purchase 2 days ago. Before he takes the bike to use it in Europe.

He is dedicating his own moolah for all 3 above. So I don’t get why I’m not being told until the deed is done.

[Grog]

Funny - it's a little off-topic but I was reading about financial planning for couples for tonight.

There are so many things that we take for granted, we think that the other knows what we think/do on certain issues and the opposite is often true, too. We're often not-so-right, not to say downright wrong sometimes.

How do you feel about all that?

[Mr. Bloom]

What grog said makes sense, but I suspect there's a deeper issue that may related to the way "partner" defines your relationship and commitment.

I'd encourage you to not take what he did personally; it may be as grog said, it may be that he doesn't think you have communication of that sort...but this may be a time to clarify some things in the relationship:confused:

He may just be an insensitive male and not guess that you would even think that he might talk about these things with you.;)

[chicago]

:eek: :mad: I would not be happy if my SO left me out of crucial things like that...

especially the bike trip... I would be very hurt... :( (and probably dump his a$$, LOL).... especially if it kept happening.

obviously I'm not as forgiving as MrSilver;):mad:

[bmccasland]

ummmm, Shootingstar, how is the relationship?

These are major decisions, and apparently he has left you out of their creation, conception, and planning. Which I find a bit odd.

And a multi-week biking trip / vacation to Europe? What are you supposed to do while he's gone? Do you usually take long trips apart? If so, then maybe this isn't a big deal. But if my significant other took a long trip to Europe without me coming along for even part of it, I'd be really ticked.

I agree with Chicago, I'd be hurt.

[Tuckervill]

I'm trying to remember if you're actually married to him, or not. I do recall that you've been together a long time.

If you're not married, then I think there are some boundaries that he feels he's entitled to. Whether those boundaries are flexible in the context of your long term relationship is up to the two of you.

If you're married, then I think it's all completely out of bounds for him to make financial decisions and decisions to be away from you without your input. Some marriages are different. My marriage would not be injured if one of us did what your partner did.

Karen

[OakLeaf]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

[lph]

This all depends on what they've agreed on, explicitly or implicitly. Personally I'd be hurt and very surprised. But some people would be hurt by some of the things we (my dh and I) accept from each other.

[tulip]

My ex and I had very different interests. He is a musician, so he would do music things (buy guitars, form jazz ensembles, go to workshops, schedule gigs, etc.) without much of my input. I bought a custom bike without much of his input. Notice, he's my ex. We didn't take separate vacations, though.

My current partner and I have very similar interests, a huge one being cycling. One of the things that is so enjoyable is talking and planning and doing things around cycling. I can't imagine either of us taking a separate vacation, not to mention a cycling vacation. We are not married, and don't even live together, and our finances are separate...but we do things together more than my ex and I did after 17 years of coupledom, 13 of those married.

(I do like the idea of starting a bicycle consulting firm...and then writing off bike trips to Europe.)

Your situation just doesn't jive with me. Something isn't right.

[kat_h]

Your husband reminds me a bit of mine, shootingstar. My husband generally doesn't talk much, so he tends to not mention things a lot. One time I got annoyed because he bought a new cell phone and contract without discussing it. When I got annoyed he pointed out that he had mentioned it. About a week before buying it he had said "I'm thinking about getting a new phone." and I had said "Oh" and promptly forgot about it. Turned out that his idea of talking about it meant mentioning it and my idea of talking about it meant discussing it. I just talk more than he does though, so that makes sense.

If your husband was sure that you wouldn't mind him doing these things he probably didn't see any reason to ask you about them in advance. He just mentioned them when they came up in conversation.

[LBTC]

ShootingStar - have you talked to your partner about how these decisions made you feel? Whether they are acceptable to the rest of us is immaterial to your relationship, but how you feel about it is paramount. Talk about it. Try to find out how his mind works about these things. Let him know how they made you feel. I'm sending you butterflies in blue and orange and glittering purple, and hugs, too,
~T~

[mimitabby]

In the beginning of our marriage, DH bought me expensive gifts at very bad times (when we were broke!!) he also bought things for himself. I had to get him to sign an agreement to TELL me before he spent over X dollars. 30 years later, X is greater than it used to be, but we do both tell each other before we buy large ticket items.

[Tuckervill]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

I think socially, intellectually and emotionally, the legal state of marriage carries more weight than we like to admit. It's all well and good to be enlightened about what the "piece of paper" really means, but most people just aren't.

Karen

[shootingstar]

Geez, we could go deep and long on this topic.

Some facts for people to understand:
*He and I are at different stages in life, but still compatible. He took early retirement several years ago since he was able to retire on company pension for himself. Over the years, I've half-joked that he has enviable consulting and management experience he could parlay on a part-time basis. However I didn't expect he would start up a cycling planning consulting firm. But it is an excellent fit...he advocated for cyclists...on a volunteer basis for many years in Toronto and Vancouver. I do know his biz partners.

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.

Kath:
You expressed it best that if I never objected about certain things/said anything, then the guy will do some planning on his own. Certainly anything cycling-related, I've never objected.

As for his cycling trips, keep in mind he's taken early retirement several years ago (but recently switching to part-time self-employment) . Since then, he's taken several multi-wk (even multi-month) cycling trips on his own or with another guy. So this Europe trip is actually shorter than some of his other trips.

LBTC: Yes, what I feel is most important vs. what others think. I'm on lunch to be continued..

[Dianyla]

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.
I think this is really the heart of the issue. The only people I've known to feel comfortable maintaining long-term long-distance relationships are people who have a high level of independence and personal autonomy. Most folks that want a more inter-dependent relationship would go absolutely crazy at the prospect of an LDR that lasted longer than just a few years under duress (say, while one or both are working on their education or specific career goals).

It sounds like he would rather live his own life as if he were single. I'm not saying that this is right or wrong. However, it does seem clear that you and he have markedly different ideas preferences about the level of involvement and communication that should exist within a couple. If you can't reach some level of compromise that is comfortable and achievable by both of you, this incompatibility will be a continual source of hurt feelings.

[KnottedYet]

If you are upset with him and his "nutso communication", you need to talk to him.

If you don't let him know it upsets you, he just won't know. And he'll do it again.

Sweeties never seem to be able to read our minds as well as we think they should.

[farrellcollie]

I don't usually discuss my bike purchases with my partner - but she doesn't bike much and we keep separate accounts and share one so as long as it is not out of the joint account - I don't really think to tell her and I don't ask what she does with hers. I would probably buy a car without telling her too (although she would probably know about the car because I obsess over it).

The trip thing would be different for us for some reason. If I planned a trip and did not tell her - she would be really pissed. If she did it, I would just be surprised (more because of the lack of info - I actually like it when she travels without me because I don't particularly like to do it and she does so I don't like holding her back but I don't want to have to do it).

A lot of our friends find ours an oddly independent relationship, but it seems to work for us. A lot of it for me is that I just don't think to tell her things I don't think impact her. It is not so much that I don't want her to know.

It does sound though that in the original situation this was a new and different thing - so I would think talking about it or asking why it had started happening might help.

[chicago]

Geez, we could go deep and long on this topic.

Some facts for people to understand:
*He and I are at different stages in life, but still compatible. He took early retirement several years ago since he was able to retire on company pension for himself. Over the years, I've half-joked that he has enviable consulting and management experience he could parlay on a part-time basis. However I didn't expect he would start up a cycling planning consulting firm. But it is an excellent fit...he advocated for cyclists...on a volunteer basis for many years in Toronto and Vancouver. I do know his biz partners.

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.

Kath:
You expressed it best that if I never objected about certain things/said anything, then the guy will do some planning on his own. Certainly anything cycling-related, I've never objected.

As for his cycling trips, keep in mind he's taken early retirement several years ago (but recently switching to part-time self-employment) . Since then, he's taken several multi-wk (even multi-month) cycling trips on his own or with another guy. So this Europe trip is actually shorter than some of his other trips.

LBTC: Yes, what I feel is most important vs. what others think. I'm on lunch to be continued..

sounds like you are now defending him... yikes... if you're ever bored, this is a good site to visit.... www.verbalabuse.com. it's not so much about abuse, as it is about women putting their needs second, and third and fourth, etc. Here's hoping you might not need it, but if you do, it's a great place.

[mupedalpusher]

Several years ago, my spouse made a major commitment and I found out at a meeting several weeks later. I was the only person that didn't know and I felt like a total fool. It was obvious to the rest of the group because a couple of them apologized later for mentioning it. Try to talk it out now, otherwise you'll have trouble getting past it (or at least I did). It's not something I would ever do to my spouse and it cut deep when it was done to me. Good luck.

[shootingstar]

Sigh...now I'm a cycling push-over or whatever to this forum.

Groan. Am I putting my needs 2nd, 3rd, 4th rank to his? It doesn't feel like it.. not when I exercise independence over what I've earned after all these years. I'm not that naive. Maybe this explains some degree of independence in certain activities and how some money is spent for each of us vs. our shared areas of financial responsibility. (yea, Grog, this is not totally unrelated. :))

yea, we're pretty wierd. Each of us are first-born in birth order within our respective families --the independent types who still love to share life together and are faithful to one another after all these years. No marriage papers could ever guarantee the latter.

The world of Internet strangers at this very moment on this forum feels like the galaxy /constellation ...distant and each person wondering about the other person from far away, not having enough information.

[kat_h]

Does he realize that it bothers you that he did these things without discussing it with you?
Did he deliberately avoid discussing it with you or is he just used to doing his own thing?

Don't answer those here, but answer them for yourself. If your independance mostly works for you then that's the important thing, regardless of whether or not the rest of us think it would work for ourselves. From what I've seen of you on here you're pretty independant too. It wouldn't surprise me if there are things you've done without discussing them with him. I don't think either of you would want to end up feeling like you need the other's permission.

[shootingstar]

Does he realize that it bothers you that he did these things without discussing it with you?
Did he deliberately avoid discussing it with you or is he just used to doing his own thing?

Don't answer those here, but answer them for yourself. If your independance mostly works for you then that's the important thing, regardless of whether or not the rest of us think it would work for ourselves. From what I've seen of you on here you're pretty independant too. It wouldn't surprise me if there are things you've done without discussing them with him. I don't think either of you would want to end up feeling like you need the other's permission.

I will disclose 2 thing of several things I did without discussing it in advance of pros and cons with him...I got interviewed for a job in the Arctic. Yes, I was flown up to there to Baffin Island.

It shocked him...no I didn't get the job, but would have it accepted..for a few years. But I did investigate while up there, that there was only 1 rd. for cycling ...30 kms. long. The rest is tundra or snow, depending on time of year. :D

I did get interviewed for a job in California..but was unsuccessful...he was more amenable to the idea of visiting/living with me there vs. Arctic! :D:D I did post a photo here in another thread of the Arctic husky dogs...at the edge of town up there.

Geez, imagine what type of lives one could have experienced..if I didn't screw up the interviews. Oh well. Vancouver, BC is pretty good, except..for the relentless rain at times.

seriously..folks...MEET your TE forumites in person. They are not exactly who they are on the Internet...they are more than what they appear to be on the Internet.

[kat_h]

I will disclose 2 thing of several things I did without discussing it in advance...I got interviewed for a job in the Arctic. Yes, I was flown up to there to Baffin Island.

That is awesome. I'd love to spend a year or two up north someday.

It sounds like you guys are a good match for each other. All he did was plan a short trip to Europe. You interviewed for a job on Baffin Island. :)

[OakLeaf]

seriously..folks...MEET your TE forumites in person. They are not exactly who they are on the Internet...they are more than what they appear to be on the Internet.

Well of course that's true.

But it's not exactly fair to post here asking for our feedback, and then get offended when we give it.

[crazycanuck]

From my computer Shootingstar am i correct to say that it seems you're more embarassed then offended?

[Zen]

So I don’t get why I’m not being told until the deed is done.

Surely after all this time together you must be used to this sort of thing.
It sounds to me like you have the kind of relationship I'd like.
You do your thing and I'll do mine and maybe sometimes we'll do our thing together.
What's not to like?

[Irulan]

so you did or did not discuss the arctic and CA interviews before you went? /confused.

[jobob]

Hi gang -

Lest we forget, some past threads in which relationship advice was sought lead to misunderstanding, hurt feelings for the OP or others participating in the thread, and in a very few instances even erupted into a a flame war.

The classic example:
http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=5129

And a more recent instance:
http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=22068

Tread cautiously. :cool:

[mimitabby]

wow. that was quite a thread! And I never posted on it once! :eek::eek::eek::eek:

Shooting star, a lot of us have tried hard to get to meet and get to know other TE'ers. Some relationships have started here.

What you're saying is true, we can't really tell what you are like, but most of us advice givers are very much in earnest, so we pipe in here with advice, which we think you want because you asked for it.

I was sorry to hear you missed out on an opportunity to work in the Arctic.
good luck.

[jobob]

Hee hee, that epic thread was before you joined, Mimi, so you shall be held blameless. :D


It's a good example of how internet communication can go haywire. :eek:

[mimitabby]

omigoodness, you're right! two months before I ventured here.