Long Pity Party, help!!!

[DDH]

I haven't been able to get on the treadmill or ride all week long, with appts for my MIL, and things going on with my ds and school, oh and theres that menial task of having to clean house, do laundry, cook, dishes ect....

My biggest problem I think with losing weight is this inconsistancy, whether it be biking and finding the time, or getting on the treadmill. Yesterday I was fixin to get on the treadmill, and the teacher called from the school and I had to have my son back up there asap for the science fair. DS never brought a thing home letting me know he was going to have to be there after school yesterday. I was so upset with him and I was in the middle of getting dinner started and my dad was coming over so by the time we got back, I didn't have the time.
I'm trying to work in learning to run along with my biking and it's not happening.

My DH tells me, "I can't believe you can't find 30 minutes during the day to exercise", well it's not just the 30 minutes though. I sweat profusely when I exercise so you have to add the time cooling down before I can get in the shower, then the shower time, and getting ready time, if I have anywhere to go or even if I don't because I stink.
I just can't seem to find a balance. I'm a SAHM so you'd think that I would have all the time in the world, but I take care of all my MIL's appts, grocery shopping, lawn mowing and anything else she can't do (she's 84) then I have my mom that I have to do for ocasionally, and then my DH and DS and the house and my own things to do.
Then when I get in the rut of going a week without exercise I have to force myself to get my butt back into it.
Excuses, excuses, excuses, I know, but it's a real problem for me trying to balance this out and I don't know how. Unless I get up at 4:30 everymorning so I have time to get showered before the day starts, but then that puts biking on the back burner.
If I worked I would never be able to commute unless I worked where they had showers. I mean I am literally drenced by the time I get done, so there is no going anywhere.
I'm going to go ride my bike today and hopefully tomorrow but next week my MIL has several appt's again, so it will throw me back into that loop.
Thing is girls, I feel so much better when I exercise whether it be the bike or the treadmill, so I don't understand how I can make this so hard, and I know I am the one making it harder than it needs to be.

I also get very resentful sometimes because of my MIL because I feel like I don't have a life because of her. I couldn't even go back to work if I wanted to because she would have no one to help her. MY DH works so much overtime to make ends meet for us and us to be able to have some extra so he doesn't have the time to take much of the responsibility over either.
She lives alone, but is about 300 yards up the road from us so we are right here, but she just can't do for herself much anymore. Or doesn't try.
Don't get me wrong, I don't take it out on her by any means, she can't help it either, but at times I just want to run away from everyone cause there is no ME anymore.

Okay, that was a pity party long story wasn't it. Sorry, I just really need help in trying to balance some of this so I have some time for me to exercise. Do any of you girls have tight time contraints like this? Of course you do!! See I am acting like I am the only one with problems!! What do you do?
I think my biggest help would come if my DH would just tell MIL to hire someone to help her. I have been doing it for 4 years now, I need a break. Maybe my attitude needs to change. Be brutally honest here girls, I am not senetive and I probably need to here it.

[redrhodie]

You can add a few minutes of excerise into your chores really easily. Park further away, walk to your appointments, take the stairs, do go up and down on your toes when brushing your teeth or doing dishes. Make vacuuming more work by lunging while doing it. Wash your floors with a sponge (not a mop) and squat while doing it. Every little bit counts.

[KnottedYet]

can you make DS responsible for a couple things?

Mine is in charge of dishes and laundry and taking the garbage out.

Sometimes he "forgets", and so it just doesn't get done. I've had to let it go, which can be mighty tough. He gets upset because he doesn't have any clean underwear. "Well, did you do the laundry?" Lightbulb goes on. We have no dishes to eat off of, and I serve him his dinner in a water glass. He thinks that's dumb. "Well, did you do the dishes? Can't eat off dishes if you haven't washed them." Another lightbulb goes off. Dog gets into the garbage and DS has a big mess to clean up when he gets home from school. Darn dog! "Well, did you take the garbage out before you left for school?"

Mind you, it's just him and me in the house, so no-one else is inconvenienced by these teachable moments.

Hopefully, by the time my DS is in college he'll at least know when and how to wash dishes, do laundry, and take the garbage out! Oh, man, then there's teaching him to drive... :eek:

Is your DS old enough to go to MIL's and entertain/help her for an hour so you can ride your bike a bit?

I think you're right in wanting some hired help for MIL, even if it's only an hour or two a day so you can have some time for your things.

[Velobambina]

Let me preface this by saying my life is relatively unencumbered compared with yours, as I don't have kids. I do, however, have a fairly demanding FT job ("career" -- scoff, LOL), a husband, a house, and three demanding canine "children," including a puppy. All the responsibilities of adulthood.

I manage to ride every day but it means giving up other things. You have to make it part of your daily routine, like brushing your teeth. It sounds trite, but it works. Even if you can promise you'll do it five days a week or even four and schedule things around there. Say, "sorry but I am busy at that time."

About your MIL, I can understand your situation. Not sure what help she requires but there might be resources out there to get some of the pressure off of you. Can you see if there are social services that can help out ? It sounds like you are taking on a lot at the cost of your health.

[DDH]

Oh I made that sound like I am with her 24/7, I'm not. She is home alone much of the time, it's just the constant interuptions of my day with appt's and grocery shopping for her and lawn mowing and such. She needs her house cleaned because she is not taking care of it anymore like it needs anyway, and it's a mess, but I told DH I refuse, because if I do it just one time, then it will be expected of me from then on. We have enabled her to not have to hire anyone because of us doing it all and it's just expected now, and once that starts it's hard, very hard to get out of.

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.

[Brandi]

I think at certain times in our life it is just like how you described. Just do your best to try and make time but don't beat yourself up to much. With all the running around your doing at least you are doing stuff. If you were just sitting there that would be another story!
Do you have a Dial A Ride service your MIL can use for some of her appointments. We have one here in our town. They pick you up and drop you off then you tell them when to come back and pick you up. Just a thought.

[Brandi]

Oh I made that sound like I am with her 24/7, I'm not. She is home alone much of the time, it's just the constant interuptions of my day with appt's and grocery shopping for her and lawn mowing and such. She needs her house cleaned because she is not taking care of it anymore like it needs anyway, and it's a mess, but I told DH I refuse, because if I do it just one time, then it will be expected of me from then on. We have enabled her to not have to hire anyone because of us doing it all and it's just expected now, and once that starts it's hard, very hard to get out of.

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.
Baby steps! Start with one thing and work your way up. I have a friend who has three kids. Ages 4,7 and 11 and she always cleans thier rooms. I don't understand why she doesn't make them do it? She says they won't do it right. Well I think then she should do it with them and show them what to do then let them try. What kind of adults will they be if they don't know how to clean their rooms?

[KnottedYet]

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.

With my DS, I started with one thing and made him completely responsible for it. (emptying the dishwasher) I worked with him on it, reminding him, showing him all the *hightly* complex ins-and-outs of putting dishes on shelves and sorting silverware :rolleyes:. Once he had a good grasp on it, I stopped reminding him. And I didn't go along behind him fixing things. ("Yo, dude, get over here and put the cups on the shelf, not stacked on top of the plates!")

Gradually I've added more things (learning to load the dishwasher, another highly complex task... sigh, running the dishwasher; folding the clean laundry, running the dryer, running the washing machine, sorting clothes into darks and lights; taking out the garbage. Now we're working on remembering to put a new bag into the garbage can after taking the old bag out. Sheesh, the cogitation it takes to remember that detail is HUGE when you are a teenager!;))

[Flybye]

I am going to be brutally honest with you here - you need a break.

You can't shoulder all of this on your own.

Losing weight and riding requires that YOU make YOU a priority, even to the point that some might see as selfish. I personally think that it ISN'T selfishness, but that we, as women, shoulder so much for everyone else because we have caring hearts and a desire to help. I think we are made that way. What I see as happening, though, is that resentment comes when we are overworked, overtired, over-ran, and lack time to do things that are for us. Only us.

I personally think that we do it to ourselves. We need to know that it is okay to ask for help, to delegate chores to others, to tell our wonderful husbands that we have too much on our plates and ask for their help, and to pay for help when we need to. I also think that sometimes we need to lower the bar on the standards we set for housecleaning. I don't know if that is an issue for you personally, but I have really learned that spotlessness isn't good for my sanity.

Here's what counselors say to do:

Write a list of all of your responsibilities. On the left hand column of a paper, write down all of the things that ONLY YOU can do. This includes time for exercise and making healthy meals. And sleeping!

On the right hand column put any other tasks. Cross out those that really aren't too crucial and see who can help with the rest. Include your son and husband.

I hope that you get some rest and find some time to have some joy and time for yourself. Please don't feel bad about sharing. So many of us have experiences that are so similar and I am sure you will get a treasure of advice.

HUGS!!

[DDH]

See that is why I do everything because of my being particular on how it is done. Rather that go back and have to re-do it, I just do it the first time myself to avoid the headache or to make anyone feel bad about the way they did something.
I do make him clean his room but he never does it to my specifications and I have shown him, but I have learned to just grit my teeth and not say anything. We are not doing our children any favors by doing everything for them, and I am one of the worst. He has no chores other than cleaning his room, or once in a while, gathering up the trash.
Same thing with my MIL, she decided to quit doing anything for herself and thinks she can do nothing anymore and complains about life and has a terrible attitude, she is a sweet lady, but very hard to be around. EX: Her older sister died Thursday and her remark was "well I'm going to be next I just can't make it anymore. I dont' understand why I have to stay here".
It just became easier and quicker to do her gorcery shopping rather than taking her along and making her do it. It takes her 2 hours to go through the store and then she questions everything she buys and once when we went together, she was suppose to be getting hers while I got mine, and she had me paged because she couldn't find something and then couldn't find me. ARRGGGG Needless to say, I ended up doing both.
It's a vicious circle I tell you. Are women just natural enablers because we are the caretakers? Or is it a learned behavior and a bad habit!! LOL

[Flybye]

PS - Here is what Flybye kids are responsible for: (ages 7,10,11)

Unloading dishwasher
Folding laundry
Keeping bedrooms clean - including vacuuming and dusting
feeding pets
cleaning their shared bathroom once a week
putting their laundry away
making sure their laundry gets to the laundry room if it's dirty
helping with dishes after dinner
scooping poop
mowing the front lawn in the summer
dusting

These things come after homework and before TV or computer time!

I also have them help with mopping and deep cleaning about once a month. My husband is a great help, too.

We are pretty flexible during the school year - kind of help as needed, but in the summer, it's charted out and expected.

[mimitabby]

You know, instead of just feeling sorry for yourself you have to make an announcement to your whole family:

from 3-5 pm m-f I AM NOT AVAILABLE.
I will no longer do x, y and z
(my sons were in charge of their own laundry from age 8 upwards)
(since i got tired of hearing about how kids tossed their lunches at school, ours started making their own the night before from the age of 6 on up)
These things aren't really big time savers but it teaches them to take care of themselves.

You have to let go of that stuff. and you need to take care and assert yourself.

You are way wrong when you say it is women... who are letting themselves be walked all over by being caretakers and enablers. Men do it too. HOWEVER, it doesn't mean YOU have to keep doing it.

Don't wait until you are in the hospital awaiting a triple bypass. It's YOUR life, what do you want it to be like?

STAND UP for YOU. if you don't do this, your children will treat their future wives the same way... YOU have to teach by example.

[Trek420]

if you don't do this, your children will treat their future wives the same way...

Good point. :D Do it for you but also you're training a future husband :rolleyes: Your DIL will thank you. :rolleyes:


You can add a few minutes of excerise into your chores really easily. Park further away, walk to your appointments, take the stairs, do go up and down on your toes when brushing your teeth or doing dishes. Make vacuuming more work by lunging while doing it. Wash your floors with a sponge (not a mop) and squat while doing it. Every little bit counts.

+1 on this too. Nothing replaces quality time for YOU. You have a job after all, it's equally important, valuable and as essential to your family as what your DH does. But you can add a workout to everything you do in addition to quality time on the bike or other aerobic work.

I have a sedentary job but there is a workout routine I do at my desk, stretches and strengthening stuff. Take your MIL to an appt, while she is there WALK - either just walk around or walk to another errand nearby. +1 on stairs, elevators, escalators don't exist in my own little world, get a push mower not gas or electric (saves you $$ too, then maybe DH does not have to work so hard and can help) and obviously since we are TE after all - are there errands you can ride too?

[ehirsch83]

Another big help might be a dry erase board.

My little sister and brothers have one(ages 9,15,16). Their chores for each day are listed and when they do it, a check mark goes on the board. They only get an allowance if they complete their chores. The older one does extra chores(cleans the pool, totally uncluttered the garage, mows,etc.) to pay for his car insurance. There chores range from feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc.


I don't know if you give an allowance, maybe you don't- but it can make a great incentive to do the chores, and to do them to your specifications:D

[Trek420]

Yeah. isn't this the whole reason why people have kids :confused: You get someone to
feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc :rolleyes: ;) :p

[Zen]

Run away from home. On your bike.

[mupedalpusher]

Your comment of "I'll have to go back and do it over" caught my attention. You have to move past this way of thinking. I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak! Let me tell you from experience it's bad for a kids ego. I am a mother of 20 yr son and 11 yr old daughter and I have taught myself to accept their attempts no matter how well done they are and yes sometimes you may have to "help" afterwards but never, never tell them you had to redo it. I won't go in to details but our son was doing all his laundry by age 13, was made to help with cleaning (and sometimes it was a fight). He had to keep his bathroom clean but his room could be messy. Both our kids were taught right from the beginning to help clean the kitchen at night. Our philosophy is "everyone who eats helps clean". Our friends thought we were a little tough at times but our son is completely independent at age 20 and theirs isn't! At times he chose being grounded over keeping his bathroom clean. It was nothing more than a control fight so we just stood firm on what was expected and he got tired of not being able to go out with friends so he started keeping his bathroom clean! Don't allow your son to be lazy, you aren't doing anyone any favors. Everyone who lives in the house should help out, no free rides.

[OakLeaf]

MUP beat me to it, but I'll just add my +1. In my case it's a definite FWIW, because I'm nobody's mother and I make no claim to understand your struggles (I sure empathize though)!

But consider that your kids are learning that their best isn't good enough, and that if they don't know ahead of time that they can do something perfectly, they shouldn't even attempt it. You don't even want to know how I still struggle with this - or how dirty my house gets because it's not "worth" starting to clean unless I can commit two or three days to get it spotless from the windows to the carpets and blinds.

[sgtiger]

DDH,

First of all I just want to let you know that you don't sound selfish at all. You deserve you time. Whether it's the time you need to set aside to workout or just sit around with your feet up. It's okay.

Don't be afraid to delegate chores. They teach responsibility and a sense of accomplishment for our children which helps their self-esteem even as they grumble. Like others have said, let them own it. You've already recieved great advice on how to do that.

I agree that it is disruptive to have to stop everything to accommodate someone else's schedule. It's okay to say no. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's time you start to draw boundaries with your MIL. If you don't mind driving your MIL around to her appointments perhaps you can at least have her limit them to specific times and days of the week i.e. Tues + Thurs between 10-1 pm. And as someone else suggested there are ride services for seniors out there that she can take the other days: some are even provided by public transportation and county services at a low cost. That may even have a positive effect on her mental health as it will help her regain her independence.




This last part is purely speculative please ignore if it doesn't apply:

Does she have friends who live close by that she visits or that visit her during her day? If not, she could be using the rides as an excuse just to have someone to talk to. Perhaps there is a senoirs program in your community that she can join. They usually offer a variety of social activites and classes that she can participate in.

Also, the grocery store paging incident makes me wonder if she gets a bit confused at times and is afraid to admit it. Have there been any other times that simple tasks overwhelm her? If so, I'd imagine it's not easy to admit that she's not as capable as she once was. I'm not sure what I would do if my parents ever show signs that they may not be able to care for themselves, other than I'd like to believe I'd try to treat their situation with sensitivity and see things from their perspective. I know my dad would never ask for help, he'd probably complain(the curmudgeon-y codger) 'til someone just stepped in. That way he doesn't lose face admitting he can't do something in front of his children; of course, he'll probably complain the whole time we're doing it that we're doing it wrong and how he should just do it himself.:rolleyes: Anyhow, if it is the case suggesting she hire help may not be a bad idea if she can afford it, or you and your DH can afford it for her. If she can't, I'd check with community and church outreach programs that send someone to help with household chores. I've volunteered with one once a l-o-n-g time ago, and it makes a world of difference for seniors to not have to ask their loved ones for help all the time.

[ehirsch83]

I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak!

Another thing on this,
My ex's mom was a control freak- she had to do everything because it was her way or no way. This led to me being told, by him, that I didn't fold laundry correctly or make the bed right or hang the towels correctly- all because it wasn't how she did it.
We then moved to Albuquerque and lived with them for a little bit(this was also the last part of our relationship, and when I truly realized how much of a mamma's boy he was at the age of 33 I broke it off). Anyways, when we lived there, she would do his/our laundry, complain about me not doing the dishes correctly or not cooking correctly(and let me tell you, she cooks with crisco, margerine, tons of corn starch,etc. all things I don't use or eat).
Anyways, not only did it affect him growing up it affected me- so what I am saying is, if he learns to be dependant now he might have a better chance with relationships in the future with girls.

[Veronica]

Sounds like you may also want to have DS start calendaring his events. If it's not on the calendar, he doesn't go. And stand firm on this. It is not right for you to drop your plans because he neglected to tell you about an event. My 5th grade students can handle doing this. I post upcoming events, they write them in their planners. At the beginning you'll need to remind him, "Hey, have you put your events on the calendar this week?"

Start scheduling your time. Tell your MIL that beginning x day, you are no longer available between 8 - 10 am or whatever time it is that is best for you to work out. AND stick to your guns.

You cannot be there to take care of your loved ones, if you don't take care of yourself first.

V.

[Kano]

MIL -- assisted living!

This can be as simple as being in a complex where they make sure she's not dead each day. I'm sure that it costs more to have all meals, housekeeping, etc. taken care of, but consider that you will NOT have to deal with her lawn and her house if she's not in it. Nor will anyone else (well, the new owner). She'll have people to talk to when she goes for meals, or in the common areas, if she's so inclined.

Who knows, she could get too busy to have time for you!

DH has learned to do dishes. It's been a challenge: I can't find things, and he puts things that I use regularly on HIGH shelves where I need him to get them down, but I've learned to deal with that. What's harder to accept is his method of putting all the spoons in one bin of the silverware basket so that it's easier to put them away later -- they get nested, and don't all come clean, but he puts them away anyway!

No laundry for DH though -- he hasn't mastered NOT shrinking clothing!

Karen in Boise

[Grog]

{{{{ DDH }}}}

Do your son, and his future life companion, a BIG favour: please, please, please quit doing everything for him. He needs to learn to contribute to the household.

And if the socks are not folded (or rolled) exactly as you like, so what?

If there is once in a while a little speck of dried food on a plate, so what? Yeah, it's a bit gross, but scratch it off, forget about it, and eat.

If he dries the dishes with the rag you think is supposed to be the hand towel, so what?

I can tell you (from experience) that it won't kill you, nor will it ruin your house. Learn to make the difference between what matters and what doesn't.

I'm not always good at that. I am known to frown at my husband when he operates the espresso machine in a way that is only slightly different than me, and I'm really grossed out when he uses the wrong rag to dry the dishes. But, hey, he does it, and nobody's going to die or even to be sick from it.

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3460/1092/320/cleanhouse1.jpg

Now, forgive the crackerjack-box psychology here, but... Maybe you are feeling that you don't have a lot of control over things that matter to you, like your weight and your time to exercise and perhaps other things, too. Perhaps you then are trying to control other things - that maybe don't matter that much... - to compensate?

And good luck with the mother-in-law. I'm sure this is a difficult and touchy issue...

[shootingstar]

Another big help might be a dry erase board.

My little sister and brothers have one(ages 9,15,16). Their chores for each day are listed and when they do it, a check mark goes on the board. They only get an allowance if they complete their chores. The older one does extra chores(cleans the pool, totally uncluttered the garage, mows,etc.) to pay for his car insurance. There chores range from feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc.


I don't know if you give an allowance, maybe you don't- but it can make a great incentive to do the chores, and to do them to your specifications:D

It's better not to give allowance for doing chores. Sends the wrong message. None of my sisters raised their children in this way and they all have higher income than our parents. But of course, we grew up in a family of 6 children that was genuinely poor. Household chores is just part of living and done without pay...children have to learn that. Sorry, that's tough love...to build responsible adults.

Give restricted allowance when child needs certain things that they can buy and choose, learn to budget.

I don't have children but he does. Now they are fully grown.

He has a 93 yr. old mother in nursing home. She only went into nursing home 1.5 years ago. Before that ,he visited (by bike) her several times per wk. to do chores, accompany her on appointments... He did this for past 4 years. He has taken early retirement so he has a far more flexible schedule than I do...where I'm not home until 7:00 pm (leaving home at 5:30 am) due to long work-commute.

She lived independently about 4 kms. away from us.

He never asked me to look after her. He genuinely believes because it's his mother, it's his responsiblity. She is a sweet lady and has the type of personality one would want to visit. She now genuinely needs her son as the key family member in visits, because she has regressed to nearly 80% German in communication, due to her dementia and only he can understand her now. Grown granddaughter doesn't understand German.

DDH, I'm sure you will find solutions but of course, will take a few months. Especially with DS...might be a few years. Every baby step, takes time. I hope that DH has a good relationship with his mother that he'll want to help her directly more often.

As for housecleaning, this is one area at least, it's worthwhile for you and DH to pay for weekly maid service for mother-in-law. Just make sure you do the background checks on the folks entering her house...

[spindizzy]

oooo grog - Sounds like you live at my house. Love the cartoon!! I have a very close girlfriend whose floors you could eat off of. Our kids used to say on visits "Mom, why does her house smell so new?" (Hmmm what did ours smell like?)

My son, when he was in Gr. 8, wanted to know where his martial arts ghee was. I said I didn't know. He says (brace yourself)" I expect it to be clean, and folded and in my drawer." (the rage!!!!!) I have no idea where he heard that, but it was a BIG mistake. I proceeded to take all of his clothes out of the laundry hamper, threw them into his room and on the floor and told him that from now on, he was responsible for his laundry. He'll be heading off to university this year at least with laundry, ironing and some mediocre scrubbing skills.

Housework is probably the most frequent item my DH and I have fought about over the years. He always challenged me "why do you think your way is right?" "Because I have been doing it since I was 13...etc" I would say. (I still think I have the upper hand here, really hard to let that one go)

I, as Grog has suggested, have had to let go. Not to sweat the small stuff. It is really hard to do, but time for my training is way more important than an immaculate house that promises to get dirty again. I tell my kids, once a week, everything off the floor, dusted and vacuumed. If they insist on keeping their rooms a mess, the door stays shut so I don't have to look at it. And I've told my DH that my standards are as low as they are going to go; that he needs to raise his.

MIL -delicate situation that needs a family meeting on who does what, when. I'd work an overtime shift to get a cleaning lady....

I'll shut up now!

[DDH]

OMG, ladies, thanks so much. You weren't brutal at all, you didn't say anything that I don't alreayd know I should be doing, it's just so much easier said than done, at least with my MIL. She is a sweet lady but wants to die and complains about everything and has run all her friends off because people get sick of hearing all her woe is me stuff.
She thinks she cannot do anything and I believe it is simply because she doesn't want to try. Whoever mentioned assisted living, I have tried to get her to do that for months and months. She doesn't even want to make out her grocery list because she says it's to hard. I refuse!! There are just some things that she has to do herself or admit that she doesn't want to and go into the assisted living. We live in the country so the buses and such don't come out here and she has to much money to qualify for any assistant for ANYTHING. She grew up int he depresion and doesn't want to spend anything. She even complains about the grocery bill.
She has a car but decided since she doesn't use it to let the insurance and tags lapse so we can no longer use her car for anything. She was even going to give it to her daughter who lives in Shreveport LA. Does offer me any gas money but wants to give the car away. Anway, I am to the point of throwing my hands up with her, but for now, she still has to go to her appts. She has had breast cancer on the 3rd time now so she must go, and she has macular degeneration in one eye so those are a must and because of her age, her primary doctor want to see her every 6 months. The doctor has told her that if she was going to get cancer the one she got is the one to get. It is now treatable through a estrogen blocking pill. As long as she takes it, he says it won't come back, but she complains about taking the pill. She is 84 years old and takes 1 pill. I can only hope and pray that I am in that good of shape at 84.

Okay, as for DS, you girls are absolutely right. I take complete blame for that. Please know that I don't tell him he doesn't do things right. I had a dad that did that to us and I would never do that to him or make him feel bad as long as he made an effort. I think I just know it will be such a fight and I am so low on patience lately that I just get lazy and say forget it, I will do it myself. I know I am doing him NO favors and I know if I don't do something my DIL if I am lucky enough to have one some day, will hate me.
I just dont' know where to begin I guess.
DH, well he works so much overtime and stuff to enable us to have extras that I hate to ask him to do anything. He is a police officer and works 14 hour days most of the time, plus overtime on his days off. I think that is my own guilty conscience from not working outside the home anymore.
I use to work and brought pretty good money home, and after 7 years, I still feel bad about not helping with the finances. That's all me and I just haven't been able to get past that mentality.

I think Monday, I will make myself up a chore chart and give him one thing to do to start and then add later. I have said for a couple years now that I need to start teaching him to be self sufficient and not so spoiled. He does know how to clean his bathroom, and does it when I ask, but that is all I have taught him thus far.
I'm not sure I will add DH, somebody said baby steps. Sometimes I feel like he should see that I am overwhelmed and do something to help me, but he never does. Guess I shouldn't expect him to read my mind.

I did get a 23 mile ride in today. I left for a short ride and while I was already out, just decided that I was going to ride until I didn't feel like it anymore.
I'm tired now, and a little sore, I haven't ridden much this year yet, but I loved it and I want to go again tomorrow if the wind will stay down.
DH has to go to his aunts funeral but DS can stay home by himslef for a bit.
My MIL is not going to her own sister's funeral. She said it would be to long a day. ARRGGGG she frustrates me so. Things would be so much easier if she just didn't have such a terrible attitude. People would want to come visit her, and we wouldn't mind spending more time with her. She has so much to offer growing up before electricity in her house and the things she has seen. I have tried so many times to let her know she could have such a great life if she would just enjoy it a little and not hate it so much. I feel bad for her but after so many years of it, I'm tired and can't take the negativity anymore.

Thanks so much girls, you have made me feel so much better and made me realize I'm not doing my son any favors. I knew it, just needed a push and a reminder. I don't want my DIL to hate me. :D

[tc1]

DDH-I second what Oakleaf said. I have the same problem with perfectionism and cleaning avoidance, because my mom found it easier to do it herself.

I take my mom to a lot of appointments. I don't have kids, but I have a full time job. Things got a lot better for me when I started printing out my schedule, bringing to my mom's appointments, then setting the appointment time with the scheduler myself. If you don't have access to a calendar program, go to this website.
http://myboatclub.com/

You should spend some computer time surfing your county's website looking for what sort of help is out there for senior adults. There may be more than you think.

As for her *****ing, well, you just have to blow it off. Talk is cheap.

[Pyannyplayer]

I used to work for an Area Agency on Aging which can help you get some services for you MIL, such as a senior companion to take her places, in home care to help with housework, etc. Google Texas Area Agency on Aging or try this link:

http://www.dads.state.tx.us/contact/aaa.cfm

They have a county list and who to contact for that county. It is a service that should be free to her; there may be a slight fee for a senior companion or respite services, but otherwise, no cost.

Most states will have a caseworker come out and assess her needs. Most of the AAA's are there to help citizens over 60 that have no other resources. There are programs that help the primary caregiver (you) as well. You definitely need YOU time or you're going to burn out.....fast.

As far as all the other stuff: at my house Friday after school is housecleaning day. Each of my sons is assigned a bathroom, their room, and their laundry. No fun time until it's done. My husband vacuums, cleans our bathroom, and supervises. I take care of cooking, cleaning the kitchen, buying groceries, etc. Our boys take turns clearing the table and loading the dishwasher after meals; Sundays my husband does all of that. We all work hard, but as I tell my boys, I don't dirty their room, bathroom, etc., and they eat too so they need to help tidy up. I want them to be self sufficient once they're out of the house and, well, honestly, I can't do it all. I have lowered my standards "slightly", but all in all, they do a good job and it helps me out. It also makes me happier and I don't feel nearly as guilty about taking time for me (which makes me a better wife, mother, and person).

Just my thoughts. I know it's hard, but the time for you is important. It's important for all of us...young, old, male, or female....

Lorie

[DDH]

Thanks so much. I contacted them and left a msg regarding my MIL and we will see. I know that she will not be elgible for any assistance because of her income level and her assets, but at this point, she can start paying someone. She refuses to make a decsion about going into assisted living, but complainss about things being to hard for her and her not being able to handle it. You know how you get to the point that people disgust you when they won't do anything to help or change their situation and just wallow in it. I'm there!! I feel for her, but she refuses to do anything to change it and won't listen to sugestions or offers that she doesn't want to hear.
I just can't do it all and my DH cannot quit his job to take care of her either. So I get stuck and I'm just going to have to put my foot down. She has the money to hire help and that is what she needs to start doing.
Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

I'm going on a bike ride :D it always make me feel better.

[tulip]

Pyannyplayer gives very good advice on the Area Agency on Aging. Go talk to them!!

Did I read in one of these that your MIL lives 300 yards away? Can you possibly walk there to incorporate exercise (and relieve stress)?

Some grocery stores offer delivery service, like Pea Pod. You order groceries on line and they deliver them for a small fee. DO THIS--for you and for your MIL!

Speaking of the MIL, sounds like she's isolated and depressed. Area Agency on Aging will have resources to deal with this--activities, support, etc.

Schedules are very important in running a household. Everyone (DH included) should have their schedules posted somewhere central. That way, you know their schedule, and THEY KNOW YOURS! Make an appointment with yourself every day, and keep that appointment. It's very rude to break appointments, you know ;).

And if your house isn't perfect, so what? Ask yourself that alot: SO WHAT? If it's important, it will matter. If it's not, it won't.

Where to begin with DS? Start with a family meeting. You call the meeting, you set the agenda, you run the meeting. DS can help with laundry (certainly his own) and helping out with cooking and cleaning, mowing the lawn, trash. Be specific--expectations should be clear. He can help you cook, and in this way he learns how to cook. If he doesn't cut the carrots just so...SO WHAT!

It sounds like your DH does work very hard at his job, but he also is a part of your family. I actually enjoy the post-dinner cleanup with my partner because it gives us some time to talk.

Okay, I have one more question. Why are you still a SAHM when your DS is 13? Everyone has their own reasons, of course, but the main one that I always hear is, "to raise my kids." But your kid is in school most of the day, and is old enough to not need constant mother-presence. Going back to work may not be what you want to do, but if you could (and the MIL had some other support and the DS did chores), would you WANT to? Just a question.

[DDH]

Yes, I want to go back to work, but I would like to work at the school so my schedule is somewhat around my DS. My husband being an LEO has a somewhat iratic schedule, and the town we live in (we live in a military town) there is no industry so the job prospects are limited to jobs that want you to be flexible (fast food, grocery stores Wal-mart) stuff like that. That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble.
But yes, If I could get my MIL into assisted living or some hired help, and am able to get on at the school, I most definetely want to go back to work. I'm more than ready. I know I am limiting myself but the school would be the best even if I just worked in the cafeteria.
Yes, I can walk to my MIL's but most times when I am going up there it's to take her to appt's or get her groceries. They dont' have grocery delivery here. In fact a lot of the services other towns have, this one does not. They have a HOP service but it doesn't come out here.
I have called the Area Agency for the Aging and waiting on a call back from them, but again, her income level is to high for assistance from them, but I am sure they can give me some ideas and suggestions.

I plan to make a chore list for this house but it will be later in the week. I just got back a bit ago from an appt with MIL and now want to go ride, and tomorrow is another appt and it is out of town so most of the day tomorrow will be tied up, so Wednesday will be my first free day.

[tulip]

The Aging Agency is there to help you, your family, and your MIL, not just financially. So even if she's not eligible for certain subsidized programs, she still can participate in activities and you can still get caretaker support (even if it's just talking to others in your position and learning about your options!). The Agency is not just for people with low incomes. Ask them what options are available for you and for her. They are the professionals in this field and that's what they are there for!

Don't get me wrong--there's nothing wrong with being a SAHM. If you can't work in exercise now, then it would be harder if you are working, unless you had other supports discussed above, but still it's adding another layer. I just meant, you know, down the road, if you wanted to work in something that interests you, that you should look into it and not let things keep you from pursuing your dreams. And I meant working part time while the DS is in school, that way you would be home when he's home. I agree on that wholeheartedly.

You are to be commended for all your hard work and patience. I hope you can work in time for yourself soon! I couldn't stand to be with my (now ex) MIL, much less have to take care of her!

Have a good bike ride!

[Flybye]

Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

Okay, I'll see what I can do:rolleyes: - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

Now were talkin'!

PS - Dear me, get back to work. Leave the forum. NOW!

[Grog]

Get a tandem with panniers and get the MIL to cycle with you to the grocery store. :D

[Tuckervill]

That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble

I hear you. My youngest is 14 and has never been to school, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have worked part time on and off since his birth, but only when we absolutely needed the money. We don't, now. We like our life as it is. I stay home to facilitate his education, and I can't imagine how different and disruptive it would be for him if I weren't here as much. He'd adjust eventually, but why put him through it if I don't have to?

I am looking forward to when he's independent of me, however. I have time to prepare myself for what I want to do with my time when he's gone. Sometimes I want to get a career--except then I think about working full time and it really is a disincentive! Can't imagine staying home without a kid here, though.

I, too, worked with the seniors at one point. There should be a place for your MIL at the senior center, and they should be able to come pick her up on occasion for her appointments or grocery runs. In fact, that's what I did when I worked there--drove the van all over rural Grant County, AR, picking up people from their country homes. She can at least go into the center and make some friends!

Good luck!
Karen

[Pyannyplayer]

Donna:

Keep in mind that the Area Agency on Aging will have ALL SORTS of information for you in order to help her - free or not. The Senior Center would be a nice place for her to go have lunch and make some friends; they also would have some activities for her that might help her WANT to get out and be with other people.

My MIL (who financially is doing really well at 88 years young!) has a senior companion come once a week who takes her to get her hair done, grocery shop, doctor, etc.; she has three ladies come every other week to clean for $50 a month (she has macular degeneration as well and can't hear very well either!). Since she's alone, she spends a little extra money on her food and has the Schwann's Man deliver once a month. She joined a water aerobics class and several other older ladies pick her up and they all have lunch after class. Her church has someone pick her up every Sunday for services as well as weekly Bible study, and, well, all WE do for her is have her over at least two nights a week for dinner. I feel like such a slacker, to be really honest! However, it's made us ALL so much happier. It may take some digging to find help for her, but it's there regardless of income and assets. We kid around about my MIL, BTW, that she has a busier social life than we EVER will! Our population is only about 15,000 - according to my husband, anyway - so we're not in a large city either.

I'd like to add to something that I believe FlyBye said about when WE are older and even maybe gone and people remember us:

I don't want to be remembered by my family for having a perfectly clean house (like THAT would ever happen) or for all the things I did out of obligation or whatever. I want my boys to remember things like, "My mom was so cool doing her first tri; I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I didn't know she could BIKE SO FAST! Did you see her pass that BUFF GUY?"; "My Mom goes to all my games and concerts and stuff and cheers for me. It's kind of embarassing, but she does it anyway", or "My Mom always spent time doing stuff with us. Remember the time we...?" THAT'S what I want them to remember (these are actual quotes, BTW, from my TEENAGE BOYS!!).

Okay, off my soapbox. If you need any help finding information or whatever, let us know. We're all here to help you. Big hugs for you, too. I know it's tough, but we'll help any way we can.

Lorie

[Tuckervill]

I don't want to be remembered by my family for having a perfectly clean house (like THAT would ever happen) or for all the things I did out of obligation or whatever. I want my boys to remember things like, "My mom was so cool doing her first tri; I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I didn't know she could BIKE SO FAST! Did you see her pass that BUFF GUY?"; "My Mom goes to all my games and concerts and stuff and cheers for me. It's kind of embarassing, but she does it anyway", or "My Mom always spent time doing stuff with us. Remember the time we...?" THAT'S what I want them to remember (these are actual quotes, BTW, from my TEENAGE BOYS!!)

YEAH, BABY! :) :)

My dad is 73 this year, and we still go camping and canoing together with my kids, who are now grown and grew up doing it. They have great memories of my dad from when they were children (as do I--see my avatar), and they have great memories of him as adults. I want to be like that for my grandchildren, too.

He has his moments that we all groan about, but they're outnumbered by the happy ones. My mom, on the other hand, causes more groans than joy, and then wonders why we don't want to go see her?

Who would I much rather be like? My dad, of course.

Karen

[litgirl]

I completely understand where you are coming from I have two children. I drop off my 8 year old at school and then I have my 2 year old at home. I'm also working on developing my publishing business. Whenever i think about going to the gym in the morning, either my younger son has a cold (in which case I can't take him to the gym) or I have so many deadlines I can't fit in working out. Personally we've taken drastic steps. We sold our second car and we are getting an xtracycle for me to take my older son to school on so I have to get some exercise during the day. I don't know how far away you are from your son's school but you might want to look into that. Even if you only do it a few times a week you will feel sooo much better.

Good luck I know how difficult it can be. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to deal with parents also.

[Bad JuJu]

Okay, I'll see what I can do:rolleyes: - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???
This reminds me of that question we're supposed to ask ourselves to determine whether we have our priorities straight: if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be sorry you hadn't done? Your answer to this question may help you make some decisions, and then some steps toward meeting your goals.

OTOH, as we all know, none of this is going to be easy. It's hard to not only break your own bad habits but also to guide others into new habits. Baby steps, as you know, are the answer there.

And one last thing: re: your guilt over DH having a job and your being a SAHM: You have a job, too! It happens to be homemaking, and you happen to do it at home and don't get paid for it, but that doesn't mean it's less of a job. The things you do at home and with MIL and DS make it possible for DH to do the job he does. Don't discount your labor just because it's unpaid labor. In the same way in which you want to avoid overloading DH at home because he works so hard at his job, YOU, too, should not be overloaded--because you're working so hard at YOUR job.

Just my two cents. I hope you're able to make some useful changes.

[tulip]

Re: your job as a SAHM. It is a job, a real job, that requires the same approach as if it were a paid job.

You are the Manager of your household (the corporation), and of your family (your team). What do good managers do? They DELEGATE! Figure out what you can delegate, and then manage your team.

[mimitabby]

I completely understand where you are coming from I have two children. I drop off my 8 year old at school and then I have my 2 year old at home. I'm also working on developing my publishing business. Whenever i think about going to the gym in the morning, either my younger son has a cold (in which case I can't take him to the gym) or I have so many deadlines I can't fit in working out. Personally we've taken drastic steps. We sold our second car and we are getting an xtracycle for me to take my older son to school on so I have to get some exercise during the day. I don't know how far away you are from your son's school but you might want to look into that. Even if you only do it a few times a week you will feel sooo much better.

Good luck I know how difficult it can be. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to deal with parents also.

Hey Litgirl, welcome to TE. I don't think she's going to put that 13 year old on the back of an xtracycle anytime soon. It sounds like you've worked out a pretty sweet deal getting down to just one car though!