question for the wounded...

[bouncybouncy]

I am watching my hubby play the sidelines this season and it is almost has hard for me as it is him...except I get to still ride! He has spent his time researching a building a new race bike for me...it is gonna be schaaaweeeet!!!

BUT...I don't think I am doing everything right! we are fighting over the stupidest (is that a word?) things and I always walk away feeling like the cruelest creature!!! We go to the gym together...watch movies...go out to dinner...but I need to do more!!!

Tell me what is it that made you feel good....something your partner has done. Help me make him feel better...at least for just a moment!!! (remember this is a guy)

Thanks for any suggestions...as small as they may be...I need to lift his spirits!

[VeloVT]

one obvious thing comes to mind :D. Seriously, I'm not trying to be a wiseguy or bring the level of conversation down here. I think that gestures of ahem, that nature can really mean a lot if he's feeling depressed or badly about himself and/or you're not connecting with each other and fighting alot.

other thoughts... is there anything he's wanted for a long time but won't get himself (that you can afford)? New speakers, new bike parts, etc? That would make him feel like "wow, she really care about me and did something really thoughtful just for me?"

Or maybe just talk about how you're feeling with him? Without blaming - and asking him if there's something he's needing right now? Saying you feel like you're not giving him quite what he needs and you really want to?

[LBTC]

bb - I'm sending butterflies to the two of you! What is the nature of his injury (if you don't mind saying)? Is he experiencing any depression? I agree with Liza! And I'll try to think back through my own injuries and illnesses and think of what would have been best for me (and then translate that to what men want :D )

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[bouncybouncy]

oh geez...I am so boudoir challenged!!! :rolleyes: Thanks for that slap across the face...I will make a stop on the way home and let's just say....er....um....make things a little more fun hehe!!! :p

As for the toys (NOT bedroom toys...eg: speakers, bike stuff...) funny you mention, he just finished getting all the goodies to wire the house with speakers and a computer as a main control center (yes, he is a huge techy geek) but he can't do anything with it cause of his injury...phooey!!! meanwhile he is playing with a new game controller and a couple new games on his computer...but that is getting old i think.

LBTC...he shattered his ankle mtbiking...has roughly 1-2 months left of limited weight bearing (it happened 2 days before Christmas) He admitted today that he is a little depressed. I have to admit I noticed it the other day he & I went out with our trail dog and he saw how well she was doing (she is still a pup and in training) with me in charge...I am sure he was sad that he had not been able to work with her as much on the trail! She is also becoming very attached to me cause I am the one who is taking her out on long fun runs...he wishes he could!!!

I am a very sensitive person and am not handling this as well as I would like to... I know it could be worse and we are lucky he will be fine but sometimes you forget...I am trying to keep it all in perspective and know that this is temporary! I am also telling myself this whole situation will make me stronger...cause it is definitely not the end of the world!!!

Thanks for the ideas...and the butterflies!!! I will pass them on soon...;) And thanks for letting me vent...I feel a wee bit better already!

[Blueberry]

Hi Bouncy-

That really sucks! Would planning a trip help? Either plan something far enough out that he'll be able to enjoy riding on it, or something else fun (but not biking focused)?

Just a thought....

CA

[ttaylor508]

I feel his pain!!! I tore my hamstring last August Mountain biking and was down for a while. The lack of being able to exercise is what got me the most. As someone who works out everyday, I am pretty reliant on those endorphins for my daily mood regulator and boy did it go sour after just one week. I did feel a bit resentful of DH who was fully functional and able to do all the things I wanted to but couldn't. I know it is terrible to feel that way, but when you are stuck on the couch, life just sucks!

I am sure he is experiencing some of the same. I think all you can do is be sympathetic and keep him looking toward the future where he will be back on the road again soon. Will he need PT after the injury has healed?

[LBTC]

BB, is your DH still doing gym work where he can? It's true that the endorphins help, and I've also read that any exercises done with the good side have a 30% (or something like that) to the broken side. Can anyone say one-legged squats? :p

When I had a broken shoulder that was my strategy. Frankly, it was kind of fun in an odd sort of way.

When I was sick with a mysterious illness that my naturopath has helped me through, which lasted about a year and a half, it was not nearly the fun adventure the injury had been.

In both cases, though, probably the thing that I craved the most was interaction with people. Friends, co-workers, the folks on the forum, but in person was best. If you can arrange for small get togethers, that may help his spirits. People are really healing!

Are there any inside games he can play with your new dog? When the weather is bad and we're lazy (and both able-bodied), DH and I will just throw the ball back and forth like pig-in-the-middle and the dog chases and gets it once in awhile. A bit of exercise for your dog, a bit of upper body movement for your DH, some bonding time for all involved.

And, yes, definitely some romance time. Very important! And even just touching time - massage, hugs, gentle touches that don't have to lead to anything.

If all else fails, a naturopath can find him just the right flower essences to improve him spirits and help him heal - and you might benefit from some too.

I know it's hard in your position, too. You're running the house now and trying to tend to his needs and still trying to keep your own health up. Make sure you take care of your needs so you can help him even better. :o

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Wahine]

BB, is your DH still doing gym work where he can? It's true that the endorphins help, and I've also read that any exercises done with the good side have a 30% (or something like that) to the broken side. Can anyone say one-legged squats? :p


There is very good research to support the use of exercise on the uninjured side to help increase strength on the injured side. It's a neurological thing. It works.

Limited weight bearing is a really tough place to be. It's makes a person feel very disabled and gimpy. It would be abnormal for him not to be depressed. Can he ask his MD's office if he can ride a stationary bike with little to no resistance? That is often an allowed activity before full WB is cleared.

I also support the loving touches etc. Very important for a man because he will feel less manly since he can't do his usual manly things around the house etc.

Massage is great. You can even get some massage therapists to come to the house.

Hope that helps.

[VeloVT]

BF and I have a (usually) nightly ritual. After dinner, we make a drink, retreat to the living room, and read the paper together. He sits on the sofa, I sprawl on it, leaning heavily against his arm/shoulder. We read different sections, but talk about what we're reading with each other (and he makes fun of me for my complete inability to refold a newspaper at all neatly). It's a good way to destress from a long day, we learn something about what's going on in the world (I know not everyone is a fan of the NYT, but you have to admit that there's a whole lotta stuff in there), and we get some bonding time in a very low-key way. It's nice.

Would it take all the fun out of it for him if you wired up the house, at his direction?

How about making a date to take a walk outside together once a day? Sort of a ritual?

Good luck!!!!!!!

[tulip]

Take him to Jack of the Wood and sit him down with a big beer and tell him you love him. Then his buddies show up (because you planned it that way) and everyone has a fun time. Better if there's a bluegrass band playing that night. You drive so he can imbibe a bit (if he likes that, of course).

Also, what everyone else suggested are all good ideas, too.

My SO surprised me once by saying that he just wanted me to pay more attention to him. I thought I was getting in his way. I was happy to oblige.

[Blueberry]

Ohhh..Jack of the Wood....and the Laughing Seed....I *really* need a trip to Asheville soon:)

[tulip]

Ohhh..Jack of the Wood....and the Laughing Seed....I *really* need a trip to Asheville soon:)

I see a TE Asheville trip coming on... Bouncy??

[bouncybouncy]

Such great advice!!!! I knew I could count on you gals...and, YES, let me know when your are in Asheville!!!!


***btw: We do not drink (it is a personal issue) so I have no problems with others doing so...and have no issues hangin' with those who do!!! ;) but...Jack provides plenty of options and the music is superb!!! not to mention the lack of smoke in the air...gotta love it!!!!

[Blueberry]

And I'm (finally) getting my trip to Asheville! Yay!!! Biking, hiking and enjoying the leaves. And fall weather just in time. Anybody want to get together?? Anybody have *not too hard* riding suggestions (we're relative flat-landers, and we're both just over colds/flu).

CA

[Jiffer]

I would try to think of other "exhilarating" things he can do that don't involve pressure on his ankle. Depending on what your funds are like, riding a motorcycle, a hot air balloon ride, etc. For my husband's birthday, I got him a day of flying a helicopter from Xperience Days http://www.xperiencedays.com

There are tons of "experience" gifts you can get him. Driving a race car, flying a plane. Check out the site. I think I spent about $100 on the helicopter thing. He was completely blown away and couldn't believe I actually thought of something like that or that something like that even existed. They send you a cool black gift box to present the gift in.

But there must be a lot of less expensive things he can do more than just once. ATV, motorcycle, 4x4 with a jeep or whatever ... depending on if you have any of these things or know anyone who does. And assuming these are things he can do with his injury.

Also, go to events as a spectator. Mountain bike events, motorcross events. Find things to go to that he might get a thrill just watching. Maybe something he's never done before, but might like. A monster truck rally or whatever might float his boat.

I like the ideas of ways he can play with the dog.

A camping trip?

You have tons of great suggestions. (Oh, and the first I thought of, of course ... was the first thing someone else said. ;) ... Seriously, that's the best gift EVER for a guy!!! And that's free!)

[Irulan]

BUT...I don't think I am doing everything right! we are fighting over the stupidest (is that a word?) things and I always walk away feeling like the cruelest creature!!! We go to the gym together...watch movies...go out to dinner...but I need to do more!!!

late on board here, but since DH broke his pelvis and collarbone mountain biking two months ago, I feel qualified to answer.
- if he's on pain killers, they make people act weird sometimes so don't take it personal.
-if he's in mild pain a lot he's probably not sleeping and that will make him grumpy too. Don't take it personally.;)

I've found I have to take care of myself, and that means leaving him home and going for bike rides or out without him: the 24/7 thing gets real old, once we got over the hump of the first two weeks.

RE: events - when you have broken bones and can't bear weight, we found tolerance for events to be pretty minimal. Even with a handicap placard, just the walking around can take it out of him pretty quick. So, based on being IN it, I think the "events, camping and fourwheeling etc" is really not a very good idea. The LAST thing you want to do is risk stressing the injury. Broken bones are not fun, and can be very uncomfortable and painful.

So, we watch a lot of Dvds. We do mellow socializing. I get out of dodge every now and then, and don't take it personal when he's having a bad day.

Our relationship must be different, I would never think of doing extra special gestures to try and make him feel better. I have taken very good care of him ( shoot, I held the pee bottle for three days) and don't mind doing whatever needs to be done, but really, he's the one that has to choose his attitude. Nothing I do or say will change it if he's in a crap mood.

[maillotpois]

I have had a couple off instances where I had to be off the bike - one pretty serious, for 6 months. both times it was very hard fr me to watch and hear about my husband's cycling prowess (and I pretty much had to not come on TE). so recognize the wistfulness with which he will watch you ride. don't talk about it more than you have to. it can be really hard.

[NbyNW]

I think Irulan said it very well. Injuries like these can really stress a relationship. You do need to take good care of yourself while you're taking care of him. (ETA: just realized this was an old thread! Hope your DH is doing better!)

I don't know if I have any advice, but maybe just some insight and introspection from my own recent experience (pardon the long-ishness):

When I fractured my sacrum, it took me a very long time to start to feel like my "old self" again -- nearly two years. I think I went through a process of my brain re-wiring itself to respond to the pain, how to move around without aggravating the injury, etc. I did not always have the ability to articulate to DH what I was feeling or going through, or what I did and did not need from him.

It is at once empowering to learn that you can adapt while your body heals, but also humbling (and even humiliating for some people -- everyone is different) to feel like you need help or that your body isn't up to the task of a simple thing like walking, and all of the independence that comes with that. I am someone who does not like to ask for help, but I had to learn to accept help during this time.

I really struggled with how the pain affected my mood, and my energy. I also had some PTSD-related symptoms that made me feel VERY anti-social. DH was travelling a lot for work so he didn't get to see every day how I was physically and emotionally struggling. And he would come home to a wife who was in pain, tired, grumpy, and generally had lowered expectations of what she considered to be a good day. So our communication was pretty bad while I was going through this, and I realize that he was going through it too, in his own way, but it was hard to get him to talk about it. It was a process of re-learning how to listen to each other, be patient, ask questions.

I think there were two things that helped me, especially during the first year. They may be unique to my situation. One: I had a project, which was to finish my master's thesis so that I could graduate. And the pain and fatigue and limited mobility were all factors in completing what was already a huge endeavor. Fortunately I was in a field where I could actually use the experience of injury to inform my research, at least in a book-ending contextual way. That helped me to come to terms emotionally with what had happened. Two: (and I don't recommend this one) a dear childhood friend had begun a battle with leukemia the week before I got hurt. So we had a good laugh over how we still needed our parents even though we're all grown up. And knowing what he and his wife were going through immunized me from feeling any self-pity, which ordinarily I might be prone to.

I don't know if there are any easy fixes or coping mechanisms for going through a long and painful recovery. You can't speed it up. And pain killers only help so much, and they do nothing for the frustration of (temporary) loss of function.

It may be that all you can do is let DH know how much you love him, that you want to be supportive and it hurts you to see him in pain, even though he's the one who is REALLY in pain and sidelined and has months of boring PT ahead of him that you probably won't be able to help with. And that you need him to be in the relationship too, even if he's taking a time out from other things. Remind him that even with a busted-up ankle, he's still your DH. And his arms work perfectly fine, so he should be able to give you hugs.