What to say?

[bike4ever]

Without getting into specifics, my husband and I will sit down with our three boys (15, 13, & 10) Monday night and tell them that we are divorcing. Definitely not an exciting conversation to look forward to through the weekend. We will both visit the schools Monday (HS, Middle & Elem) and give the appropriate individuals (teachers and/or counselors) the heads up to our conversation.

Anyone else go through this?

[crazycanuck]

I only have experience from when my parents split up. Let your kids vent & speak their minds as much as they can. Keep talking...

I'm sorry to hear about this :(and hope you don't forget about you.

Hopefully more wise TE women will provide you with tons of invaluable info required :)

[Grog]

No experience or advice, just a hug, and a *good luck*.

[shootingstar]

I wish you lots of luck... I heard it from my partner when he and his ex told their 2 kids at that time (9, 12).

They are now 27 and 29.

Grieving (by children) takes a long time. But if they know each parent has a calm, supportive family home to come to, it helps alot as a foundation for next phase.

[kelownagirl]

Without getting into specifics, my husband and I will sit down with our three boys (15, 13, & 10) Monday night and tell them that we are divorcing. Definitely not an exciting conversation to look forward to through the weekend. We will both visit the schools Monday (HS, Middle & Elem) and give the appropriate individuals (teachers and/or counselors) the heads up to our conversation.

Anyone else go through this?

Yeah. 3 1/2 years ago. My son was 7. He took it pretty well at the time. Had more trouble with it on and off as time went by. My older daughters were 18 and 20. The oldest had the hardest time.

I'm sure you know all the things you need to say - about how it's nothing to do with them and that you both love them etc etc. You need to keep repeating that for weeks after though. And try hard not to trash each other in front of the kids, even the older ones, ever.

(((((bike4ever)))))) It's a hard time everyone.

[kat_h]

I was on the kid side of it years ago, but I don't remember what anyone said. All that stands out in my memory now is that one day the house was quiet, peaceful, without anyone fighting, and then over the next few years I got to watch my parents learn how to be happy again.

Good luck and hugs.

[rocknrollgirl]

I am with Kat. I was 14 when my parents finally split up. It was a blessing. We did not have a lot of fighting, I just knew they did not love each other. They both found love the second time around, and I was very happy for both of them.

Just keep the lines of communication open and try to spend time with them.

Good Luck.

[singletrackmind]

I've only had to witness the after effects of one parent telling the kids the other doesn't want to see them anymore and doesn't love them and then keeping the kids away for a month. That should be an obvious no-no.

Other than that try not to talk badly of the other parent to the kids, supporting the other parent's position when the kids are over there and avoiding the temptation to "rescue" them when they call, keeping each other up on what's going on with the kids. They love both of you and shouldn't have to choose sides. They will also quickly figure out what they can get away with at which house, thus the communication need. The hardest part might be letting them talk about what's going on at the other house, especially after more people enter the mix, but it's part of the deal and part of keeping communication open with your kids.

All in all, how they handle it depends on their personalities and your interactions with each other.

Hope you are doing alright too, best wishes to you and yours.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

One minor suggestion-
When you sit them down and tell them, you will have had time to sort out your feelings and words on it all, but to them it will be new and perhaps a shock. I suggest you schedule at least one additional sit down family talk all together a couple days afterwards in order to give them time to formulate their thoughts and feelings first, so they can then give some relevant input of their own.

[bike4ever]

BleeckerSt_Girl - very good suggestion about the additional family talk.

My husband and I have already discussed how we are going to present the news. Positive words, bad news, then positive words.

Everyone has given great suggestions. This is not going to be fun. One thing that we will be explaining to them is that we realize if we stay together, our frustration will come out verbally too much. We don't want the kids exposed to that.

I'm at least working today to distract myself. I sure hope we are busy.

[IFjane]

bike4ever {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

Sounds like a trip to VA is in order once you sort through all this. My best to you, your husband, and your children. It is tough. Mine were grown when it happened and it was still very hard. It will eventually be ok, though.

Let me know when you are in the area.

[LBTC]

B4E, I have no experience to draw from on this one, just want you to know I'm sending butterflies of calm, compassion, love and light.

Hugs,
~T~

[bike4ever]

IFjane - I'll actually be in Rhoadesville this Friday. I have to tell my best friend from college our news. Interestingly, each time we have talked lately on the phone she asks what's going on. She knew something was up.

I'll also be heading to Roanoke Easter Sunday to visit my mom. That definitely won't be a fun conversation since she absolutely loves my husband. I'll probably be the one disowned!

[Tuckervill]

You're going to tell the teachers and people at school before you tell your kids?

I don't think that's wise, really. They should be the FIRST to know, no matter what. Forget that they might find out from the wrong person in the wrong way at the wrong time--they don't need to know that you told someone else before you told them, and it's quite possible someone could let it slip. What about the pitying looks they may receive? I think you owe it to your kids not to even subject them to the risk of hearing it from someone else--or knowing that the other person knew before them.

I'm very sorry your family is going through this, and I hope it all works out for the best.

Karen

[HillSlugger]

Mine were 8 and 3 when we separated. The 8yo cried, the 3yo didn't know what was happening. That was back in 1999 so I don't even remember what we told them. We all survived and they are smart, well adjusted, loving kids.

Make sure they know that they are loved and that nothing will ever change that. It will be hard but it should all be ok eventually. My thoughts are with you.

[CyclaSutra]

What a hard thing to do.

I don't remember the actual talk, I don't think there was one when my parents split up. All I remember is being in the lobby of the courthouse when my dad knelt down and asked me who I wanted to live with. Of course that's not an OK thing to say to an overly sensitive 11-year-old.

So I'm sure you guys have the optimal custody idea worked out between you.

I also like the idea of more scheduled time to talk about it. Much better than ignoring the large pachyderm in the room.

Best wishes.

[tulip]

My heart goes out to you, bike4ever. I'm going through a divorce, but there are no children involved. In my case, it's hard enough as it is. Warm wishes and hugs.

[bike4ever]

Well we had our conversation last night. My husband led the conversation off with positives - how much we love them and our continued emphasis on high expectations for school.

As we predicted, we received 3 completely different responses. Our oldest (15) was quiet and calm. Our middle (13) became extremely angry with an excessive amount of yelling and crying. Our youngest (10) just cried and kept asking why.

I spoke with the middle school and high school counselors yesterday after school. Both were appreciative of the information and would pass it to the appropriate teachers. My husband spoke with the elementary teacher and counselor also after school yesterday.

I have already emailed the two counselors that I spoke with yesterday. I informed them of the individual boys reaction. I have heard from the middle school counselor, and she has already had a calming session with him. She knows that he doesn't like to be pulled out (makes him embarrassed) so she has created a way to speak with him without it being a big middle school ordeal.

So, we started quietly today. We are answering questions as best as possible. We know things will work out - just will take time. I am surprised that I do not have a headache today!

[vmax]

First, I'm sorry that you'll be going through this experience . . it is especially difficult with children. My son was 5 when we separated and we sat down with him to explain it although, at that age, he really didn't understand the big picture. I want to say that it is essential and extremely important that the 2 of you "work together" after the divorce. After my divorce, I never wanted to talk w/ my ex, ever again. Tried communicating via e-mail and he is completely computer illiterate. I learned to talk with him about our son and to be open and not be emotional. That is, I learned to not bring our personal (negative) aspects of our relationship into our discussions about our son. And I also learned that one is never truly divorced when you have children. Geez, there's doctor/dental appointments, camps, vacations, holidays, school work, change in schedules, sports events, etc., so many things to be talking about and comparing notes.

What I'd like to say is that I hope the 2 of you can cooperate and communicate in terms of your children's needs -- it can be difficult but is so important for your children -- not trying to preach just trying to share. I'm not saying that you won't cooperate but, personally, I know that it can be difficult. Also, I do hope that you have a counselor who is helping you through this difficult process. Friends will tell us what we want to hear, but a therapist is invaluble for providing support and encouragement in the right direction so that we can move on with our lives.

FYI, while my ex and I had a difficult divorce, things greatly improved once he met someone else and remarried . . . my life got much much better :D meaning that he was not as angry with me. And she is the best stepmother that I could hope for in terms of my son's well-being.

I have 3 close girlfriends who made a huge difference for me in going through my divorce. I don't know that I could have come out of it as well as I did without my friends. Be sure to talk with your support network . . everyone needs a shoulder to cry on once in a while.

Take care and I'm sending a hug your way :)

- Vivian, MN