Guilt!

[Brandi]

In about 3 weeks we are going to Hawaii on vacation. We have had these plans for a long time now. And have really been looking forward to going. After taking over our company last year and all the headaches and wieght loss from the stress of it all we have really been looking forward to it. But i am now feeling guilty about going. With the events in my sister's life how can I just pick up and go have fun? It is the only vacation I will get before another hectic season in our work begins but....
I can't imagine saying to my sister "Ok we are off for two weeks of fun in hawaii while your little girl is sick". Of coarse I wouldn't say it like that but I feel so bad about it. How am I to handle this? I can't cancel. Mainly cause we are sharing a house with another couple and they would be stuck with the full price of the house. And we are going to celebrate my husbands 50th birthday and our friend who is going with us. He had a stroke this time last year and we are celebrating he's recovery from it.
I am confussed on what to do. Do I just not tell her I am going and say I am working? Lie?
Please any advice.

[Mr. Bloom]

In about 3 weeks we are going to Hawaii on vacation. We have had these plans for a long time now. And have really been looking forward to going. After taking over our company last year and all the headaches and wieght loss from the stress of it all we have really been looking forward to it. But i am now feeling guilty about going. With the events in my sister's life how can I just pick up and go have fun? It is the only vacation I will get before another hectic season in our work begins but....
I can't imagine saying to my sister "Ok we are off for two weeks of fun in hawaii while your little girl is sick". Of coarse I wouldn't say it like that but I feel so bad about it. How am I to handle this? I can't cancel. Mainly cause we are sharing a house with another couple and they would be stuck with the full price of the house. And we are going to celebrate my husbands 50th birthday and our friend who is going with us. He had a stroke this time last year and we are celebrating he's recovery from it.
I am confussed on what to do. Do I just not tell her I am going and say I am working? Lie?
Please any advice.

No confusion here. Don't lie, but GO TO HAWAII! Refer to it as a trip, not a vacation. You're not taking a vacation from caring about your family.

You're available by phone. Your presence can't change things and you're still able to care and encourage from far away.

[Flybye]

Don't lie! You would just heap guilt upon the way that you feel already. You would have this underlying feeling of doing something wrong the entire time you were on the Island.

From reading your other posts, it seems like your sister is an understanding kind of person. I think that you should explain to her that you feel very conflicted about going because of the situation with your niece. Just talk about every aspect of it with her. Let her know that you love her and that you would change things if you could. Life goes on even in the midst of unfortunate situations.

I second what Mr. Silver said.

That is my $ .02 worth.

[VeloVT]

it's a toughie.

First of all, while I completely understand why you feel guilty, I do think you have a right to take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband, and sometimes that means taking time for yourselves.

Secondly, I know this is a huge financial decision and I don't know if your niece's health would preclude it, but if you are really feeling heartsick about this, you could consider the possibility of offering the vacation to your sister & her husband. Not sure if the pleasure of giving them healing time would offset the loss of that time for you and your husband... only you will know that.

I'm always hesitant to respond to these sorts of questions because I'm always afraid I will say something that comes across the wrong way, in a way I don't mean, and I will offend someone, so please realize that I am very sympathetic to your situation and am not passing judgement about any decision you might make, and if something I say sounds like I am, it's just clumsiness on my part.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself and realize that you are being a very good sister.

Edit: Mr Silver and Flybye are faster typists than I am! I really like what Flybye said.

[Brandi]

Liza- your advice is good. Don't be so hard on yourself I don't think you can say the wrong thing to me. If I knewmy sister would enjoy herself by going on a trip right now I would give it to her in an instant. But the fact is she is a very worried mom and I believe the guilt of having any fun right now would eat her up.
I really like the advice Mr Silver gave on using the term trip and not vacation.
I am sure up to the point of getting there I don't think I will get over feeling guilty. But one of the purposes of vacation is to leave things that are troubling you behind for a little bit. And maybe that is what I will need.
I meditate a lot, due to a bout with heart palapatations I had some years ago. I will look at this trip as a two week meditation to center me again. If my cup is not full how can I fill anyone else's?
And flybye you are right about "Don't lie! You would just heap guilt upon the way that you feel already".
It is hard to not feel guilt....she is dealing with one of the hardest things she has ever delt with in her life! And I am not. Is it I just wish it was me and not them?

[KnottedYet]

I will look at this trip as a two week meditation to center me again. If my cup is not full how can I fill anyone else's?


You are absolutely right.

[RoadRaven]

Mr Silver summed this up so succintly and accurately.

Talk about this as a trip, not a holiday. You can text supportive messages every day so they know you are thinking of them. Talk about/offer how they can have a trip as soon as things are less intense... or perhaps time out - organise evenings or days where your sister can have time for herself, or with family or friends while you look after her daughter. Eventually you will be able to give her the freedom of a weekend or some such offer.

I agree also with your own words, and will second Knot's statement. This is an ideal time for you to take a mental and physical break and come back refreshed and ready to help your family again.

[Zen]

When the oxygen mask drops during a flight you put it on yourself before you put it on a child.

You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Good mental health and stress relief is an important aspect of a healthy life.

[blueskies]

Dear Brandi,

You won't help your niece or sister by feeling guilty, skipping your trip to Hawaii, or feeling that it's wrong to enjoy yourself while you're there.

Our hearts are so large, Brandi, that they can hold joy and sorrow at the same time. Go to Hawaii. Celebrate your friend's recovery & your husband's birthday. Let the sun and wind and water feel as good as they feel on your skin. You can hold it all, the joy and the sorrow, your heart is that big. You can honor your niece and the spirit of cherishing life while we have it, by cherishing your life and living your days as well as you can.

Blueskies

[shootingstar]

You could always phone from hawaii to say hello to sis and her family. Do some quick meditiative digital videos of nature...put it to music as a gift to her.

I have several sisters....it is very doubtful any of them would want another person to be always miserable and sad if they were feeling the same. It doesn't help the situation.

AFter all, good sisters in worst of times, turn to each other for support..and the giver herself must be happy and strong to give well, for the sad sis.

[Duck on Wheels]

I agree with all of the above. Luckily your niece's prognosis is good, although the diagnosis sounds scary and the treatment sounds tough. Your niece and your sister will need you to be strong for a long time. That means that you need to take this trip, which you'd planned for a long time and timed to help you re-energize after a hectic work season.

Tell your sister you're worried and conflicted, but you can't change the plans and you realize you're going to need the strength you hope this trip will give you. Be sure to have travel insurance that covers an emergency return in case of sudden illness in the family (and that it includes sudden worsening of an illness diagnosed before starting the trip). Tell your sister you'll be back in a flash if you're needed, and that you'll otherwise be back on schedule, rested and ready to pitch in.

Oh, and bring back something that will really cheer everybody up, including lots of pictures.

Virtual hugs and whole flocks of butterflies to all of you.

[Brandi]

I agree with all of the above. Luckily your niece's prognosis is good, although the diagnosis sounds scary and the treatment sounds tough. Your niece and your sister will need you to be strong for a long time. That means that you need to take this trip, which you'd planned for a long time and timed to help you re-energize after a hectic work season.

Tell your sister you're worried and conflicted, but you can't change the plans and you realize you're going to need the strength you hope this trip will give you. Be sure to have travel insurance that covers an emergency return in case of sudden illness in the family (and that it includes sudden worsening of an illness diagnosed before starting the trip). Tell your sister you'll be back in a flash if you're needed, and that you'll otherwise be back on schedule, rested and ready to pitch in.

Oh, and bring back something that will really cheer everybody up, including lots of pictures.

Virtual hugs and whole flocks of butterflies to all of you.
You reminded me my sister asked me way back when to bring her a turtle necklace. Thank you for reminding me of that. maybe I should bring her and the girls matching one's.

[Brandi]

Thank you for all your advice (once again) I will try and work this out and not feel the way I do about it all. And kep telling myself it will be good for me to get away.

[Starfish]

I will try and work this out and not feel the way I do about it all.

I agree with all that has been written. I would just add...maybe don't work so hard at changing your feelings right now? Just keep moving along with your plans and your trip, know that you need to take care of yourself to keep taking care of your family (I know this from experience), and let the feelings be what they are. Don't beat yourself up for feeling happy when that happens, and don't beat yourself up for feeling guilty, if that happens.

Hope this doesn't come across as preachy...I know in my own life, the harder I fight whatever feelings I'm having, the longer they bother me. When I relax and accept how I'm feeling, the more difficult feelings depart more quickly.

You sound like a great sister and aunt. You are wise to take care of your health, your marriage, and your relaxation needs. Take care of yourself today, and let any feelings that come up on the trip take care of themselves on that day, when it arrives.

Again, hope not too preachy.

[KnottedYet]

You reminded me my sister asked me way back when to bring her a turtle necklace. Thank you for reminding me of that. maybe I should bring her and the girls matching one's.

Yes, do that! What a beautiful thing to do! Get one for you that matches, too; then all of you are connected and so is your trip to Hawaii. What a great idea!

[Brandi]

I agree with all that has been written. I would just add...maybe don't work so hard at changing your feelings right now? Just keep moving along with your plans and your trip, know that you need to take care of yourself to keep taking care of your family (I know this from experience), and let the feelings be what they are. Don't beat yourself up for feeling happy when that happens, and don't beat yourself up for feeling guilty, if that happens.

Hope this doesn't come across as preachy...I know in my own life, the harder I fight whatever feelings I'm having, the longer they bother me. When I relax and accept how I'm feeling, the more difficult feelings depart more quickly.

You sound like a great sister and aunt. You are wise to take care of your health, your marriage, and your relaxation needs. Take care of yourself today, and let any feelings that come up on the trip take care of themselves on that day, when it arrives.

Again, hope not too preachy.
Not preachy at all but very insightful and wise. And you are right if I just relax and let things happen as they happen it might not be that bad. Thank you.

[Brandi]

Yes, do that! What a beautiful thing to do! Get one for you that matches, too; then all of you are connected and so is your trip to Hawaii. What a great idea!
Thanks for 2nding the idea.

[nancielle]

Many years ago when my younger brother was dying, I was spending my weekends driving to New York State to spend time with him in the hospital. Friends of mine got me tickets to see a pro football game (Patriots/49ers.) I had never been to a pro game and really wanted to go. My immediate family was cool with it. My extended family thought I was the Spawn of Satan for even thinking of going. I talked it over with my brother and his response was that my not going wasn't going to change the course of his illness and that he was getting bored with the death vigil as it was and would welcome a conversation other than about his health. He was looking forward to talking about the game. I'm glad I went and got to talk to him about it.

I agree with what some of the other posters have stated: You need to take care of you before you can take care of others. Have a good time.

[Tuckervill]

Dear Brandi,

You won't help your niece or sister by feeling guilty, skipping your trip to Hawaii, or feeling that it's wrong to enjoy yourself while you're there.

Our hearts are so large, Brandi, that they can hold joy and sorrow at the same time. Go to Hawaii. Celebrate your friend's recovery & your husband's birthday. Let the sun and wind and water feel as good as they feel on your skin. You can hold it all, the joy and the sorrow, your heart is that big. You can honor your niece and the spirit of cherishing life while we have it, by cherishing your life and living your days as well as you can.

Blueskies

The truth of this brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful way to look at life. Thanks.

Karen

[Brandi]

The truth of this brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful way to look at life. Thanks.

Karen
I know it is wonderful. I need to write this down in a journal so I can go back to it again and again.