Old boyfriends or girlfriends!

[Brandi]

I had my 20th high school reunion this year. I could not make it cause we were working. But a friend of mine who did go sent me pictures from it. It was hard to figure out who some people were. Some did not change at all! Some got very large and some have no hair!
I saw a picture of my very first boyfriend from Jr high. I think we went out for like 3 weeks. He did give me my first Valentines gift from a boy. A giant chocolate heart! I remember he's mom watched from their living room window when he gave it to me.
Then there was the picture of my first real love....we dated all through high school. He was my first everything if you know what I mean. And not that I was going to spend the reat of my life with him...and I am glad I didn't but the feelings I got when I saw him as he is now really tripped me out. He looks good and doesn't seem to have aged to bad. It's just weird to think about him again. You know you always have a special place in your heart for your first love. We broke up cause I cheated on him by the way. I have always felt bad for that. Maybe that is why I am thinking about him so much. I hope he has forgiven me.
At first when I saw the picture I asked my friend if there was a phone # or an email he could be reached at. She said there wasn't. After a while I was glad there wasn't. So I am closeing the that part of my life forever I guess.
I really wanted to say thank you and I am sorry to him...
oh well. I have wondered if he was ok all these years and he looked good so that brings me some peace. Strange the feelings it brought about though. Seeing him as an adult....trippy!

[Pedal Wench]

I dated my first love 22 years ago. We broke up in 1985. I ran into him 9 years ago. We've been together ever since. :)

[Brandi]

I dated my first love 22 years ago. We broke up in 1985. I ran into him 9 years ago. We've been together ever since. :)

wow! that's cool!

[violette]

That's what you call "Meant to be"!!

[lauraelmore1033]

I married my first love. We've been married 25 years--mixed blessings all the way--but things have turned out well in the end. One can always wonder about missed possiblities, but I know that if I hadn't married him, there would have always been some profound yearning about the missed possibilities with the "one that got away". I can imagine how you are feeling...

[Mr. Bloom]

I saw a picture of my very first boyfriend from Jr high. I think we went out for like 3 weeks.

Yeah, but did you actually ever "go out"...or did you just talk on the phone?:D


He looks good and doesn't seem to have aged to bad. It's just weird to think about him again. You know you always have a special place in your heart for your first love.

As to your "first love" and at the risk of being controversial, I'd encourage you to not give it another thought. Your DH may feel awkward about you reaching out to someone you admit holding a special place for in your heart...but more importantly, your former flame is either:

Over what happened, in which case, you will run the risk of stirring old animosity and emotions that he's previously reconciled, or
Not over what happened, in which case, you will run the risk of becoming the focal point of his festering anger...which will leave you feeling mad and upset


I could be totally wrong, but it seems there's a lot more downside than upside to making this contact...:confused: :)

[singletrackmind]

First loves? While on the odd occasion I give a thought or two as to where they are in life I merely hope they are contented. They weren't meant to be or they'd be here now. Instead they were training for what came after so I happily let sleeping memories lie, preferring no update.

I consider my past experiences to be that, past.

[kelownagirl]

I've never been to a reunion and don't think I want to. I sure don't have any urge to run into old boyfriends but I must say, there a few songs that stir up old feelings when I here them. It's kind of funny but there's one in particular, that makes me all gushy inside, and for the life of me, I can't remember which boyfriend it belonged to... :rolleyes: :D

And Brandi - are you married? If not, maybe you can check him out on facebook? If you are, best leave it alone...

[Trek420]

I consider my past experiences to be that, past.

what she said. :rolleyes: I wish them well and life moves on.

The 8 ball says "I do not recommend it" :o

But you can ask it yourself

www.msu.edu/user/vandrag2/8-ball.html

[KnottedYet]

what she said. :rolleyes: I wish them well and life moves on.

The 8 ball says "I do not recommend it" :o

ditto.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to a couple of 'em. But I'm content to let sleeping dogs lie.

[Pedal Wench]

I kinda agree to some of the 'let sleeping dogs lie' theories, but sometimes, it's different. In my case, I let him go the first time, because we were at different points in our lives. I was 21, just out of college. He was a little bit older, settled in his profession (where he still was when we got back together.) Ours was more a case of bad timing. The second time around, I was settled in my career, had a life of my own, and was ready and willing to share it.

[teigyr]

Pedal Wench, that is a fantastic story. And Lauraelmore1033, I am always SO happy and impressed when people have been married forever :D

I have to admit I'm a bit of a curious person so while I have yet to go to a reunion (hated H.S. then, would probably equally hate forced contact with my former classmates), I always want to see how people turned out. I've done my share of Facebook and Myspace lurking just to see.

I also agree with letting sleeping dogs lie unless you're in a situation where it wouldn't hurt anyone else (ie a spouse or their spouse).

That all being said, sometimes apologies way after the fact are a good thing. A long time ago a guy came to my parents door (well after I moved out), introduced himself, and said to tell me he was sorry for once spooking a horse I was on. If you ever could do a simple apology like "It wasn't your fault and I am so happy to see that you turned out happy, etc" if it's sincere is ok. If it's for ulterior motives, esp if you have a DH, then not so good.

I know we've had threads that go round and round re opposite sex contact. I am so fortunate in that DH has met some of my past relationships and while we don't hang out with them in our normal social circles, it is the past and all are ok with it. I want the best for them but I'm happy where I am.

Now re this Facebook stuff. It appears that I can't see much of their profile unless they are my friend. That totally negates the stalking aspect and I protest. Is there a way around it :o :eek: :p

And yes, DH knows of my tendencies. I often show him my findings. He only balks at the scary ones.

[RoadRaven]

As to your "first love" and at the risk of being controversial, I'd encourage you to not give it another thought. Your DH may feel awkward about you reaching out to someone you admit holding a special place for in your heart...but more importantly, your former flame is either:

Over what happened, in which case, you will run the risk of stirring old animosity and emotions that he's previously reconciled, or
Not over what happened, in which case, you will run the risk of becoming the focal point of his festering anger...which will leave you feeling mad and upset


I could be totally wrong, but it seems there's a lot more downside than upside to making this contact...:confused: :)

Not controversial at all... Mr Silver has given excellent advice based on the few kiwi males I "interviewed" here about this issue...

I gave them your scenario, Brandi... and my partner, one of my sons and several men at work all had similar repsonses...

Why would my partner/wife/girlfriend WANT to contact an old flame? Is there something the matter with our relationship?

None of them had a problem with meeting up at a reunion - and they expected it... their problem was the deliberate contacting of an old flame...

I also asked about the other perspective - what if an old flame contacted them... they pretty much said the same thing as each other again - one way or another, they would have moved on - interestingly, they were more concerned about their relationships and how their partners/wives/girlfriends would react to an old flame getting in touch...

[indigoiis]

I'm always reminded of the movie High Fidelity where John Cusack's character looks up old girlfriends to find out why they left him.

I've had two old boyfriends look me up in the past couple years. Both are married. I think it's an age thing - they hit forty, forty one, and it's like, *BING* time to look up lost loves. It makes me very uncomfortable every time I get an email from one of them. I try to keep it short and sweet in reply, but, they often don't "get" it and keep emailing. I do not want an email relationship with someone I dated 20 years ago. There was a reason we broke up. And yes, I am happily married, now, thanks. :D

This seems kind of *****y, doesn't it.

But I mean, think about what their wives would think if they knew they were looking up their old girlfriend???

[lph]

That all being said, sometimes apologies way after the fact are a good thing. A long time ago a guy came to my parents door (well after I moved out), introduced himself, and said to tell me he was sorry for once spooking a horse I was on. If you ever could do a simple apology like "It wasn't your fault and I am so happy to see that you turned out happy, etc" if it's sincere is ok.

This brought back a few memories. I was a pretty weird kid, and several years later, one of my ex-classmates came to visit me (biked a hell of a long way to do so, actually!), just to say she was sorry about the way she had treated me at school. Funny thing is, I only remembered her as friendly to me at school, but she obviously felt otherwise. Anyway - at the time I was just a bit embarrassed and sort of brushed her off, but that was such a big gesture and I was deeply touched. Especially because she really had no reason or need to apologize, we were well onto our separate lives by then.

An ex-sortof-boyfriend did something similar, by letter. I wrote him back and thanked him. And never heard from him again :rolleyes:

I wish I were better at righting the wrongs I've done to people. I consider these two people good examples of everyday decency.

But - in general: I support having friends of both sexes, but if you don't have anything unsaid I believe in letting sleeping ex'es lie... ;)

[Grog]

I have had harmonious relationships with most of my ex's, but I'm glad I live 5000 km away from them now, so I don't bump into them or end up working in the same place etc.

Speaking of stalking...

There was a guy I dated for a month perhaps during my late teenage, he was just a few years older, but pushy and unpredictible. I ended the relationship in what was probably not the most tactful way, and he sent me back a photo of myself cut in a thousand pieces and the meanest letter I have ever read from anyone. I don't think I heard anymore of him for several years until I appearantly crossed his way at my university (I was going down an escalator and he was going up or something like that). I did not see him, but soon after I received an email from him (I'm not that hard to find) that I found a bit spooky. All I remember now is that he was upset because I ignored him when I saw him, and that he had not had another girlfriend since I left him, stuff like that. I think I was polite but it really made me nervous.

That was perhaps eight or nine years ago, but I started being a little more spooked when I heard about that tragic event in Pennsylvania, the milkman that killed schoolgirls in Pennsylvania and who said some obscure things about taking "revenge" from old girlfriend stories. There was also that man who, 18 years ago now, killed 14 women he called "damned feminist" at Montreal's Polytechnique school (women engineers-to-be). I'm always a little bit worried about men who have become frustrated in their relationship with women, for whatever reason, and about the stupid things they might do later in life. I don't think ALL men who are frustrated with women will go on and do something so violent and so terrible, but it's a thought at the back of my mind that I just can't waive... As a society, what can we do to avoid more of that?

Not a reason to raise your daughters in fear. I just thought I'd share this with a bunch of friendly women, because it's been on my mind for a while... Sorry for taking this thread so far off-topic.

[Tuckervill]

I had a stalker in high school. Then he graduated, and then I graduated, and I got married and had a kid. We ran into each other again, and he stalked me AGAIN for a while, even though he was married, too. I was never afraid of him, just annoyed.

During senior year of high school, I had a serious boyfriend--my "first"--(stalker had graduated already) for almost the whole year. We got our yearbooks and he wrote a full page of loveliness in mine. I read it once and then left it in his car or something. Before I got it back, we broke up. He ruined that page of my yearbook and wrote something nasty on it. I've never looked at the book since.

At our 10 year reunion, he wouldn't look at me. I guess he does have a conscience. He had nothing to fear--I was married (again) and had two kids and was living far away, and was so OVER him. But I am SO glad we broke up in high school!

Karen

[teigyr]

Scary stalking!!! Wow, I can't believe people do things like that.

I just look and think "wow, look at their dating profile. They claim they've never been married and I KNOW they have been..." silly stuff like that. The scary stalkers just shouldn't happen though with the internet the way it is, it is all too easy to find people.

I'm glad everyone who has had a stalker is ok though, that's so serious.

[onimity]

I saw my HS boyfriend several years after college; we'd kept in touch (barely) through college, then had coffee one night several years later. He had changed a lot & not for the better...I got a strange vibe from him.

He suggested we get together again sometime, I said sure, thinking it would be several more years. Turns out he'd moved back in with his parents in the small town we were from & that weekend he called & asked what I was doing. "Going out with some friends in a few hours" I told him, lying. He said he was thinking of driving up to hang out with some people and wanted to see me. "Uh, I probably won't be home, but give me a ring if you decide to." Well, that was a mistake. I can drive the distance in 1.5 hours, and in less than one my phone was ringing.

I let the machine get it, guess who. He was approaching, wanted to know where I lived. I was a little freaked out & called a friend to ask if he wanted to go to dinner. He came and got me & we met up with some other friends and stayed out pretty late.

When I got home had *36* messages on my machine; this guy had looked my address up in the phone book, found my apt. and waited outside. He apparently saw my friend come pick me up and proceeded to nurse a bottle of tequila in the parking lot outside my apt., and told me how much I meant to his drunk & deluded self in excruciating message after message. "I'm walking around the pool outside now. Are you ever coming home?" He apparently left around 1AM.

He called and left more messages the next day, "I didn't hear from you, I want to make sure that guy didn't chop you up & leave you in a ditch somewhere" etc. Needless to say I didn't return his calls.

After that he contacted old friends, my co-workers, my little sister (he saw she was in a HS play) and told them all how much he just wanted to talk to me, etc. He would call and hang up, or just drive through my neighborhood park and watch for a couple of years after. VERY scary.

Anyhow, -1 here for contacting the ex!

Seriously, I have remained friends with the vast majority of people I've dated, but if you haven't remained in contact sometimes the good memories are better as just that.

Anne

[Grog]

When I got home had *36* messages on my machine; this guy had looked my address up in the phone book, found my apt. and waited outside. He apparently saw my friend come pick me up and proceeded to nurse a bottle of tequila in the parking lot outside my apt., and told me how much I meant to his drunk & deluded self in excruciating message after message. "I'm walking around the pool outside now. Are you ever coming home?" He apparently left around 1AM.

Scary story, Anne!

This guy needs to sign up for the "Don't Drink & Dial" service!!

Glad HE did not chop you up!! Geez.

[shootingstar]

Did go to a hs reunion just 2 yrs. after graduated.

Then nearly 1/4 century later (doesn't that sound impressive?! :D ), actually only 2 years ago, my high school celebrated a huge, 2nd reunion. Like 3,000 people alumni showed up for its 150th birthday. The school is part of the city's history (which is quite interesting itself).

I didn't go to 2nd reunion. Being in Vancouver vs. flying out to Ontario for a HS reunion gave me a good excuse not to waste money.

On stalking, I've always wondered if cell phone usage can compound the whole stalking situation. I can see how an obsessed partner would be "checking" their "loved" one by cellphone.

By the way, my partner and I don't use/own cellphones. He has one which he only activates for emergencies and to stay in touch with me, when he goes cycling solo for several weeks in various parts of Canada.

[Trek420]

Much scary stuff.

I'm in touch with two ex GF's, my first on just a holiday card basis. Neither of us would ever want anything more than wishing each other well. But that I honestly do wish her and her partner of over 25 years well.

L. , "my ex-one removed", long term relationship before the last one...we are now friends. That took a ton of hard work. It was a bad breakup but we've made our peace. Now when I see her maybe once a year at the parade or a ball game (hey, she may be my ex but season tickets to the Giants!!) we're honestly glad to see each other. She and her partner married in San Francisco on valentines day. I'm very happy for them.

Now my ex, the last one? Who's familiar with the phrase "if i never saw her again it would be too soon" I can't imagine being friends or contacting her in any way.

But no stalkers ;-)

[KnottedYet]

I'm in touch with two ex GF's, my first on just a holiday card basis. Neither of us would ever want anything more than wishing each other well. But that I honestly do wish her and her partner of over 25 years well.


And wouldn't you know, *I* belong to the church *her* parents were very active in! And I've been on a few bike rides with one of her old friends.

Small world.

[kelownagirl]

I always liked cell phones because I can't be found in the book and I can turn it off...


Did go to a hs reunion just 2 yrs. after graduated.

Then nearly 1/4 century later (doesn't that sound impressive?! :D ), actually only 2 years ago, my high school celebrated a huge, 2nd reunion. Like 3,000 people alumni showed up for its 150th birthday. The school is part of the city's history (which is quite interesting itself).

I didn't go to 2nd reunion. Being in Vancouver vs. flying out to Ontario for a HS reunion gave me a good excuse not to waste money.

On stalking, I've always wondered if cell phone usage can compound the whole stalking situation. I can see how an obsessed partner would be "checking" their "loved" one by cellphone.

By the way, my partner and I don't use/own cellphones. He has one which he only activates for emergencies and to stay in touch with me, when he goes cycling solo for several weeks in various parts of Canada.