SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[Mr. Bloom]

Today, Silver and I rode the Great Pumpkin Metric Century in Evansville. Stick with me...there's some much needed background to the question...

As some of you know, last year, on this ride, Silver was in a group of four where one rider was hit and killed.:( :( I was not with her last year...but this year I was:)

The rider was mid-50's, left a wife and two sons in college. The driver (a late teen male) barely got a slap on the wrist.

Over the last year, Silver has has channelled her anger, grief, and fear into a "Share the Road" campaign that is receiving a ground swell of support and is in the process of getting nearly 100 "Share the Road" signs installed throughout a three county area:D In other words, she is channelling the experience in a positive way.

The first "Share the Road" sign was installed at with a small memorial sign like the one that you can see on this post. (http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=16528&highlight=share+road)

The family of the driver petitioned, within a week, to have the memorial signs removed because they didn't want the reminders...

Unfortunately, but due to statute of limitations and other concerns, Sam's widow filed a lawsuit this week against several involveded parties. It got some negative reactions in the press this week. Subsequently, a memorial wreath and hand-made memorial were stolen this week from the site.

I will admit after riding the site for the first time today, this driver is SO AT FAULT and deserved considerably more than a slap on the wrist! :mad: :mad:

But, that brings us to today and what happened:
As we passed the site, at essentially the same time that the accident occurred 365 days ago, some of Sam's close riding friends were there. As we stopped to join them in their grieving, I WAS SHOCKED to find the driver's mother rudely and offensively confront the handful of gathered mourners. She was making all sorts of untrue accusations and was way beyond boundaries of propriety to a group of folks who were mourning the loss of a friend!

This woman thinks it's all about "her". While I'm sure that the last year as been difficult for her family, no one in her family received a "death sentence" for someone else's carelessness. The "Share the Road" signs are a positive thing to benefit everyone...not an attack on them!

So, Silver is wondering how she should respond to this personal attack. Silver wants to confront her in person (which is uncharacteristic of her), but I frankly believe this will only result in the police being called:( .

My advice is:

Write her a letter
Let her know that what she did was the equivalent of confronting mourners at a funeral or memorial service and wholly offensive
Express an understanding for her situation, but remind her that rather than attacking mourners and their positive actions, she should be grateful that her son is not in jail for negligent homicide.


BUT, I'm not the most objective person to advise her right now. So, how do you think she should respond?

[makbike]

What an awful experience for you guys. IMO this lady, if you want to call her that, is way out of line. I think the letter is a great idea but I would suggest it be sent to the editor of your local newpaper.

[Eden]

That's kind of interesting - I wonder if the driver and his family really think that they will ever be able to forget? Causing someone's death, accidental or not does not strike me as something that a person would ever be able to sweep under the carpet.
That said, I highly doubt facing the mother personally would be productive. She's obviously pretty emotional about it and its pretty unlikely that she's going to have her mind changed. (I would bet she feels that any criticism of her son is very much an attack on herself) If she's confronted she's probably more likely to just dig in more, get more emotionally wound up and it would end up pretty badly. A well thought out letter might just end up in the trash, but still has a better chance to get through. When people decide they've been attacked, they can get so caught up in the emotioal part that they really start to believe some pretty outrageous things - so it doesn't matter how logical you are or how correct you are.

[Trek420]

How awful!! I'm so sorry you experienced that.


My advice is:
Write her a letter


Don't think so.


Let her know that what she did was the equivalent of confronting mourners at a funeral or memorial service and wholly offensive

I don't expect her to "get it" have any empathy for the victim and his family. Really! Maybe someday, long from now.


remind her she should be grateful that her son is not in jail for negligent homicide.


Best idea so far!! If it's come to a civil suit this kind of action will not go well for her. Hopefully at some point it will sink in "I killed someone". If I ever did that I could never drive again.

Best that Silver and all stay away from her though, it could end badly. A well thought out letter to the editor would be good and would show public support to the family and friends of the rider which is the most important.

[Zen]

Do you have any contacts that might be able to get a story into the paper?
the story I have in mind might be accompanied by a photo of a gathering at the site of the memorial Share The Road sign and focus on the effort that's been put into having these signs made and placed throughout the area. It would explain the tragedy that was the impetus without even mentioning the driver. Focus on the positive.
This woman has no conscience and no shame. she reminds me of the fanatic religious group that protests at the funerals of homosexual Iraq war soldiers.

[Mr. Bloom]

Do you have any contacts that might be able to get a story into the paper?



There was a great story about the share the road campaign last Sunday's front page (before the negative press on the lawsuits hit).


Signs meant to help cyclists
By Gavin Lesnick (Contact)
Sunday, September 30, 2007

Jim Bush can list a world of reasons why his friend and fellow cyclist, Sam Wolf II, should still be alive.

Wolf was killed Oct. 1, 2006, during the Great Pumpkin Metric Ride when a Jeep collided with his bicycle on St. Philip Road in rural Posey County.

The weather that day was bright and sunny, Bush recalled, the accident occurred in mid-morning with plenty of light, Wolf was wearing a bright yellow jersey, the collision happened at a wide-open intersection with no visual barriers and it was during a large, organized ride.

"For any reason, that accident probably shouldn't have happened," Bush said. "But it did."

That's why Bush and a group of supporters are raising money and calling for local officials to install "Share the Road" signs on roadways frequented by cars and bicycles.

Builds awareness

It started as an effort to build awareness for bicycle safety while also honoring Wolf by installing the signs at the intersection where his accident occurred.

Those went up this spring, but since then, Bush and others have raised money to put the signs throughout the greater Evansville area.

As the anniversary of Wolf's death approaches and as more than 900 cyclists gear up for the first Pumpkin ride since the mishap, Bush has purchased more than 50 signs, including 26 set to go up around Vanderburgh County in the coming weeks.

"When we lost our friend, we wanted to try and make a positive out of a negative, out of our loss," Bush said. "Share the road signs are one way we thought we could do that."

The program has multiple goals, Bush said.

On one level, the mere presence of the signs will alert motorists and make them more aware that bicyclists need space, too. As communities grow, Bush said many quiet country roads are turning into busy thoroughfares or are used by motorists as shortcuts, so the need is increasingly there.

The signs also make a statement that the community supports healthy lifestyles and promotes safe exercise options, which Bush said is a quality of life issue. It could encourage people to move here or businesses to locate here, he said.

"It's kind of a ripple effect," Bush said. "Not necessarily that a sign can change all that, but if it's something to show progress in that direction, I think it's a worthwhile step."

Between the pole, the nuts and bolts and two metal signs (one reading "Share the Road" and one with a small icon of a bicycle), each sign costs about $50.

The fundraising efforts started with a display at the North Side Bob's Gym, where Bush works as a trainer. It grew through word-of-mouth and e-mail to various cycling enthusiasts and then again when Bush partnered with the Indiana Bicycle Coalition to promote the cause.

Permission sought

That provided funds to buy 53 of the signs, though before any could be placed, Bush had to seek permission from the governing bodies in each locality.

In Vanderburgh County, where signs will be placed soon along Oak Hill, Browning and Boonville-New Harmony roads, that meant going in front of the County Commissioners and pitching the plan.

It was an easy sell, Bush said, because there was lit-tle cost to the county.

The commissioners embraced the idea and voted to approve it unanimously.

"It's a great project," said Democratic Commissioner Troy Tornatta. "It's just unique that you have somebody with the passion that Jim and the people helping him have. We welcome that. And we want to be a leader to show we care about fitness and safety."

Posey commissioners also approved the signs, and Bush will soon seek approval from Newburgh and Warrick County officials to place them on roadways there.

In addition to the signs, Bush is spearheading a series of public service announcements that will appear soon on television and in print. Those will serve to remind motorists and bicyclists of the rules for respecting one another's space and keeping each other safe.

Both efforts will continue as long as possible, Bush said, as supporters strive to make a real difference in the community.

Whether it prevents a future tragedy may never be known, but Bush said he's confident his efforts can make a big difference.

And he can do it for a good friend.

"If I can do something to make a positive out of (Sam's) loss, then his loss is not in vain," he said. "That's what I'm working toward."



Here's the negatively received article:
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2007/oct/02/widow-suesbicycle-clubposey-driver/

[Trek420]

This woman has no conscience and no shame. she reminds me of the fanatic religious group that protests at the funerals of homosexual Iraq war soldiers.

I was thinking the same thing. :o And you're thinking the followers of Phred Felps. They show up at any funeral of any veteran, not just the soldiers who bat for the other team but fight for our team :o . So much so that there's a group of bikers as in motorcycle riders who organize escorts on request to line the funeral route so the demonstration is not seen and the soldiers family see respect and support not screaming fanatics and hate.

www.patriotguard.org

I remember the memorial bike ride to my cousins funeral, over a hundred riders and the sense I had especially as we neared the church that drivers slowed, drove with us, along side us and seemed protective of the riders.

We need something like that. Maybe on the Ride of Silence near you? Drivers, pedestrians and cyclists together.

[Tuckervill]

I'm just so mortified that this happened. Insult to injury. Salt in wounds. Where is this woman's compassion? How dare she? This is an outrage!

I want to write her a letter myself! How about that? How about if all of us wrote her a letter? Postcards! She would have a hard time avoiding the message on a postcard. She might just throw strange letters away.

You don't have to give her address out. Just tell us where we can find information about the accident (the driver's name) and we can find out the rest. I am SO incensed!

Karen

[bmccasland]

What an awful experience for you guys. IMO this lady, if you want to call her that, is way out of line. I think the letter is a great idea but I would suggest it be sent to the editor of your local newpaper.

Mr S - I agree with Matbike. You and Silver need to not personally contact the mother of the idiot. She won't grasp the concept that her little boy did anything wrong for YEARS. She reminds me of the type that's crying on the news about how their sons didn't do nothin wrong - while the police are arresting them for murder of 5 people (happened here in N.O.). But sending in a letter to the editor of the local paper, and any other paper that might circulate in the town is a good idea.

I'm happy to be off some rather narrow roads, but everyone (vehicle drivers) were curteous. I could hear a diesel pickup rumbling behind me for about a mile before it was safe to pass. Even when we signaled that the road was clear, he didn't pass until he got to a passing lane. He didn't cross the double yellow to pass us.

(I really do need to update the sig line... :o )

[SouthernBelle]

At this point, direct confrontation wouldn't accomplish anything, and probably wouldn't if it had been done at the time.

Do either of you know a reporter who can write a story about the incident?
Reporting both sides, the mourners and the mother.

& I'm not clear why the lawsuit would reflect badly on the survivors?? I know as a lawyer that is my first thought, but what other recourse do they have at this point.

[Tuckervill]

...Oooohhhmmmm....

Now that I've calmed down a bit...

Mr. Silver, I would really like it if you described the reaction of the mourners to this woman. What did she say and how did they react? Do they have any plans on what to do about it?

I'm finding that I still want to have my say with her, as well.

Karen

[Running Mommy]

I'm sorry, but I really don't see why the civil suit should cause an uproar??

The victim deserves to be compensated for their loss! When I was a teenager my best friends mom was murdered in a grocery store parking lot. It was AWFUL! So I know just how the victims feel. Its horrible.

BUT, like the others said, confronting this lady will do nothing. Send a letter to the editor. Give this lady some bad press. If she thinks the little memorial sign is bad, just wait until the community hears what she did. ANy rational thinking person would agree with the mourners!

She will have to face it all when the civil suit comes around. maybe, just maybe, she'll realize that her little darling- ISNT. But honestly, I doubt it... sigh...

Send Silver my best.

[Eden]

Wow - I read through the comments about the news article. The amount of venom and the lack of understanding there was truely astounding. We get a lot of the same around here whenever articles are printed about cycling, but usually both sides are represented. In the responses to that article I saw little input from the point of view of cyclists and a lot of attitute that if you ride a bicycle on OUR roads (meaning car's roads) that you deserve whatever happens to you. Appalling, truely appalling. Share does not appear to be in their vocabularies.

Sometimes I think people need to remember that those country roads weren't really made to handle 45/50 mph car traffic, but rather were designed for horse and buggy and *gasp* bicycle traffic. Cars came later and simply used the same roads and even at that, were for some time incapable of the speeds/acceleration that can be achieved today. Of course it doesn't matter if one points this out, since most people are unwilling to believe it....

[Zen]

I don't think those comments are an accurate gauge of how the article was received. The commenters are, for the most part, people who post from work who have nothing better to do. It's their schadenfreude. It's likely you'll see the same names posting daily voicing the same ignorance and vitriol.

Most people probably saw it as it was intended.

[sundial]

It's really sad that people are not only insensitive, but intolerant, of the right to assemble and have a peaceful gathering to commemorate the loss of a fallen cyclist.

I don't think there is anything you can say to the mother of the young man that would change her mind. What you can do is set an example by working to educate the public about cycling safety and being responsible drivers. You can accomplish this through an organized ride in the name of the victim, press releases, sponsorship, etc.

[Running Mommy]

WOW! After going back and reading those comments to that article I must say- THANK GOD I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT TREATS CYCLISTS WITH REPSECT!!

Yeah, I felt the need to SHOUT it! I'm THAT grateful! Now I'm not saying that Phoenix as a whole is cyclist friendly, far from it. But my little burb overall is very courteous. In fact sometimes they are TOO courteous! Most of our roads have a wide center turn lane here, and they go all the way into that lane to give us space, thus kicking up all the scree in the lane and chucking it back at us. Not that I'm complaining!!

[Mr. Bloom]

Mr. Silver, I would really like it if you described the reaction of the mourners to this woman. What did she say and how did they react? Do they have any plans on what to do about it?



My pleasure. It will help me sort it out. I'll use names to help me keep players safe:

Players:
Five riders: Tom, Cindy, someone else, Silver and me.

State trooper watching from 100 feet away.

Driver's Mom in the street, a man (dad?) in the SUV...not involved.

We came up after this had begun. After I clarified with her who she was, here are some comments I recall (not necessarily in order):

NOTE: I would characterize Mom's tone as tearful and compassionate. Tom was firm and very offended by her, Cindy was compassionate and tearful. Silver was firm and frustrated. I was offended and firm. NO ONE raised their voice...


Mom: Please, please leave us alone. We've been here 60 years and now I have to go 10 miles out of my way to go to church because of all the stuff you're putting here [a STR sign, two bouquets of flowers]. We can't move on because we everytime we come here we see these reminders [presumeably the sign]. 900 riders are driving by here today, but YOU have to stop? What are you doing this to us? [Note: It's convenient that once someone stopped, she was there like !@#$%^ hmmmm....:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: ]

Tom: We understand, but do you realize that our friend is DEAD and that we have a right to remember him?

Silver: Do you remember me from last year...I was the one sitting right here.

Mom: I'm tired of this, my son can't even drive this way. I even have someone from the Evansville Bike Club stalking me?:confused: :confused: Don't you know that we've invited Sam's wife to visit us and see how sorry we are, but she refuses to come visit us! [My cut: Sam's wife is suing them...she can't interact with them...and Mom is trying to make the suit go away...so I have reason to partially doubt her sincerity...but I believe it's at least partially genuine]

Me: We're not part of the bike club and have nothing to do with them. Do you understand what the last year has been for us because of what your son did? The counseling? The depression? Do you understand that this is their right to mourn this?

Mom: Oh yes, I know about counseling, but WE have to move on and we can't do that with all this here.

Cindy: [Crying] we all share pain here, can't we grieve together...[she then reaches out to hold Mom's hand]

Mom: No! No! Don't touch me! Get Away! I don't want anything to do with you! Just leave us alone! I'm not doing THAT! [then she walks away to the SUV]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm happy to be off some rather narrow roads, but everyone (vehicle drivers) were curteous. I could hear a diesel pickup rumbling behind me for about a mile before it was safe to pass. Even when we signaled that the road was clear, he didn't pass until he got to a passing lane. He didn't cross the double yellow to pass us.


You know, there was a lot of good that happened today...
- MANY cars cautiously waited far longer to pass than they had to
- MANY cars put on their flashers as they approached cyclists as a sign to others

:D I was really impressed by 95% of the drivers behavior:D ...particularly given that I consider this area as unfriendly to cyclists.

I believe that the small group that Silver has hooked up with to install the signs and raise awareness is having an effect:cool:

[Zen]

Isn't the offending driver of legal age? Why is Mom so involved? No one is suing her.
She must be getting therapeutic counseling confused with legal counseling.

[Sheesh]

I agree with previous posters that confronting this mother will not do any good, and will probably just make the situation worse - she'll probably go so far as to call you "stalkers", like she does the member of the Evansville Bike Club. I'm sure there's little you can do to get through to her, so I would recommend continuing with what you're doing to reach those who are likely to hear the message. Your work to educate motorists and remind them to "Share the Road" is very commendable!

[Trek420]

WOW! After going back and reading those comments to that article I must say- THANK GOD I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT TREATS CYCLISTS WITH REPSECT!!

Yeah, I felt the need to SHOUT it! I'm THAT grateful!

It's important for those of us in areas where cyclists are respected to remember that's not true of much of the country. And it's important for riders there to know that we stand behind you or should I say "ride" behind you :o Ultimately we're only as respected as you are.

And since when is "moving on" mean remove all traces of what happened? Sounds like her idea of "moving on" is pretend it never happened ASAP. That's denial, and ultimately it makes it worse.

There's an ad on radio here for boating safety, a young man tells how his best friend died in a boating accident ... he was driving the boat. Now he's speaking out about safety. Not easy for him I'm sure. Here too, two families lives are changed forever. Hopefully some good can come of it.

[SR500]

A very difficult situation. Maybe best to see if time can't provide some more healing. Maybe see if a minister or other person might get a few of you together with her and see if any common ground can be found. Bottom line, one man is dead and a family devastated

[blueskies]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

[Tuckervill]

I admire all of you and your reserve. I'm afraid I would have been more forceful--not necessarily without compassion, but adamant.

I believe she's feeling a great amount of guilt over the incident, and she's probably not the type to ever admit it. But she probably cannot feel compassion for the family of the victim, because that would mean she would have to realize her son got off too lightly. She can't see the other side because it would force her to change her beliefs about what happened.

She reminds me a lot of my own mother.

Sam's dead. That trumps all her feelings or desire to "move on". That's what I would have been adamant about. I'm feeling the ire rising again.

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...


You did a good job of expressing a very key point:
- I'm being critical of her because she's making it "all about her"
- In reality, I'm actually making it "all about us"

My suggestion that Silver write a letter was to give her an outlet to channel her anger...I'm still thinking this is a good idea...but with the stipulation that she wait a week to decide if she still feels strongly enough to actually send it.

We are not by our nature "angry people"...the problem comes when something unexpected happens and when you're done, you think of all the things you WISH you had said...we're human.

[Mr. Bloom]

Sam's dead. That trumps all her feelings or desire to "move on". That's what I would have been adamant about. I'm feeling the ire rising again.


You're right...but she won't move on. I'm convinced that she confronted the group today because she is finding identity in the being the victim.

Example: She thinks someone is stalking her from the bike club???? The Evansville Bike Club is a co-defendent - with her family in the lawsuits! Why would they stalk her...in reality, we've been frustrated by the Bike Club's ambivalence to the accident and their slowness to embrace the STR campaign.

So, all this to say: I think she's going wallow in her misery for a long time because it gives her an excuse for her family's dysfunctions (whatever they might be...). Why should be rudely fuel her fire? We'll make sure she doesn't confront Silver again...but I'm not going to fuel her need to be the victim.

[salsabike]

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

I think what Blueskies is saying is really important. It's much like what I would have wished to say, but she did it better than I could have.

[SR500]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

[Mr. Bloom]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

I can only suspect the motivation for suing, but there is a legal perspective for for who got sued:

The bike club: among other things, apparently neglected to put emergency services on notice (including the police) so that they could be adequately staffed for contingencies. I assure you that the police were quite visible today

The employer: Family owned business, son was driving a car owned by the business.

Personally, after seeing the site today, I DON'T believe it was an accident. To me, the track was clear...this kid was negligent and careless.

[silver]

I'm still deep into processing what happened.....

Your replies are so helpful.

I know some of the background into why she is suing. I can't discuss all the details. I'll say that I understand why she's doing it and she does have a case but I think there are legal reasons behind some of the named defendants and that some of the defendents will be dropped eventually.

the driver was ticketed for failure to yield and fined $129.

I would not call it an accident.

[sandra]

My experience with anyone that makes things "all about them" is that you cannot change that. No matter how much explaining or pointing out you try to do, YOU usually end up being frustrated because it will invariably get twisted from what your best intentions are trying to accomplish.

I think you both have to grieve in your own way and no one can dictate how or how long it might take. Silver is doing what is healing and helpful for her and I commend her for the work she has don. The other lady is coping the best that she knows how. :(

[SR500]

I didn't mean to imply it wasn't terrible. My DH ran a light as a teenager and hit a car, no one was injured, but there was a lot of damage including is employers truck. He was negligent (changing the radio station), but not cited and important for his future not fired. I just don’t know the best way to move forward, but it seems to rarely involve attorneys.

I know CIBA has been taking some heat lately. What people don’t seem to remember is that Bike Clubs are almost always volunteer organizations, that rarely have enough people to run for offices, let alone volunteer to assist with events. It will be sad if the suit distracts people from getting involved in the club, when Sam was alive I’m guessing he was an avid supporter of biking in the area.

[Aggie_Ama]

My suggestion is contact the local paper and hope some reporter will touch this story. Use the angle of the memorials being stolen, not the other issues. The memorial missing might be more newsworthy than a small scale conflict. And the reporter may take the conflict to make a bigger story out of it. It may only get a brief written but I think most people are respectful of a memorial whether they agree that cyclist should be there.

[silver]

SR500, I agree that the bike club is not at fault. I'm not a member, but have participated in some of their activities. I don't know all the details. I do know some of them. I do think that they will be dropped from the suit. I dont' know what the legal reasoning is, but I'm just assuming that there may be some legal reason that they were named that I do not know.

I've thought it through and the only thing that I fault them for is that they didn't notify/remind the law enforcement that they were having the event. That seems pretty careless to me. One of the deputies that came, told me, that they didn't know that the bike ride was going on that day. He said that he thought when he first heard the accident on his radio that it must have been a motorcycle. But in saying that, I still don't think that they should be included in the suit because of it.

Now I will go on to say, that the Bike club here is.........well, how do I say it......different. The day of the accident, I was sitting on the curb crying, trying to figure out how that we could get in touch with Sam's wife when i bike club guy came over to us to get our names and information. I asked him, "are you with the race? Can't you get his contact info off his registration form to call his wife?" He proceeded to lecture me that this wasn't a race it was a ride, a tour, etc.

I was looking at him, with a you must be crazy look. True enough, it wasn't a race. I should have know better. I come from a running background, organized runs are called races. I've only participated in few bike events and oops, in my emotional state of watching a man be given CPR, I slipped up and called it a race. Sorry.

The bike club here is known for being somewhat exclusive and stand offish. I'm feel sure that this attitude may have contributed towards the widow's decision to include them.

I went to a Share the Road meeting recently. Another aside to say that the bike club has been very slow to do anything to help with this initiative, even seemed against it, until Jim, got the ball rolling and then they seemed to want to jump on since the initiative was actually going well.

Anyway, at the meeting, Sam's widow acked if anyone was there from the Bike Club, she said that they had mailed Sam a registration form for the ride and that the timing hit her particularly hard and could they PLEASE, make sure that they didn't mail her deceased husband another registration form in the future. there was silence......the bike club president made a note on her papers and said "I'll tell Mike(not his real name) he just merges all those files." It was just so callous.

Anyway, they did put on a great ride yesterday, truly, I don't fault them. I've ridden with them, and a lot of them are great!

[quint41]

Local paper? This is the kind of thing that John Stossel (ABC - "Give me a Break") loves, isn't it?

I read the articles and a bunch of the comments posted on the newspaper website following the article.

I ride almost entirely in groups. Nothing fires me up like seeing people riding 2 and 3 abreast on busy roads, or riding through red lights. Our bikes are vehicles, and we are supposed to FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE ROAD. Those same cyclists would be screaming if cars were driving side-by-side or running red lights! (And I'm NOT saying BY ANY MEANS that is what happened in this accident! Don't get me wrong!) What I am saying is that until all cyclists behave properly and follow the rules, our ranting is going to fall on deaf ears. Yesterday, I had a car pass me as we approached a stop sign. He passed, and pulled right into the breakdown lane to prepare to turn right. Pulled right into my path. Another driver coming in the opposite direction almost broadsided me as he began to turn into a gas station on my side of the road. I am the visi-yellow queen! I am cautious. I use a mirror, keep my head up, eyes open, and always let the monster death machines have the right of way. But because drivers are so sick and tired of having to deal with pacelines blowing through intersections, and riders taking up the travel lane, I could be the one who takes the brunt of their fury, leaving two kids without a mother.

As for dedicated bike lanes and the like ... I don't know how the rest of the country works it out, but the Connecticut bike paths that I've been on leave MUCH to be desired! Cracks, frost heaves, sand, broken glass, much more hazardous for a road bike than riding the breakdown lane of a busy thoroughfare. Plus the obstacles of runners, walkers, bladers and kids with training wheels. I'm not saying they don't deserve a place to exercise as well, but most road bike riders around here find our "bike paths" more frustrating than useful.

There is strength in numbers. All cyclists need to follow the rules. Only then can we have any kind of strength.

This is kind of disjointed, but I just felt the need to say it.

[Meg McKilty]

Letter to the editor of the local paper explaining what happened and why Silver wishes to place the signs, including her own personal story. This may humble the woman and family.

[bmccasland]

I really think Mommy Dearest is a lost cause for at least several years. The important thing is to get the community focused on bike safety, share the road, and accept memorializing Sam. They may know the woman likes to be the center of attention, and just accept the fact that she's a pain, and they can't do anything about her.

I do like the idea of sending this story out to the various forms of the media. :rolleyes: (dreaming and scheming)

[Flybye]

Dear Mr. Silver and Silver -

I have spent quite a lot of time reading all of the comments and thinking about things from both sides of the coin. I personally don't have any experience with either having a close friend killed or knowing someone who hit and killed another in an auto accident. I can't imagine what either party has gone through.

I am sorry for the experience that you had with the mother.

What does pop into mind immediately is that this was an accident. A horrible one. As a fellow (I assume from reading Mr. Silver's weight loss blog) believer, I think the key is forgiveness. Forgiveness of the boy who did, on accident, hit and kill a friend. Forgiveness of the mother, who did not, in my opinion, handle herself well.

We give forgiveness whether we want to or not - it really isn't for the person who committed the action against us, it is for us.

We could speculate on a million different reasons why the mother handled herself the way that she did, why the boy didn't get more than a slap on the wrist, etc, etc. We could speculate on a million different ways to try to reach this mother.

In truth, none of it really matters. How she handles herself is up to her. How we move on and handle things is up to us.

I personally think that the very best thing that anyone could do for the kid who killed the cyclist and for his mother is offer them a letter giving them forgiveness. Regardless of whether or not they, in my opinion, your opinion, or any other opinion, deserve it. Perhaps this is just what this kid and his mother need to move on from the nightmare that they too, have found themselves in. Perhaps not.

Just a few thoughts about love/forgiveness.

Again, I am sorry that you had to encounter this woman on the anniversary of the death of a friend.

[Tuckervill]

Forgiveness, while it is always a good thing, is something that can't be rushed, or entered into under duress, and the concept is not the sole province of "believers".

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

Putting thoughts onto "paper" in black and white has a galvanizing effect.


As I started this thread, I had "a lot to say" that I didn't say because as I started to type the words, I knew that "it wasn't me"...
Then I got all this great feedback...that affirmed my thoughts and challenged them at the same time
And now I'm reminded of what I know is right.


Several years ago, I had to step back and decide what I believed...my "mission". I wrote it down as an anchor to remind me of what my course was...regardless of my feelings in a given circumstance. Five principles:

Honor God
Cherish My Family
To be a conscientious employee
Constantly Seek to Improve my body and mind (this one is the challenge)
To Love Others DESPITE CONFLICT


While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Now, some may say this is a cop out...and part of me agrees with this. But, if I attack this woman out of anger, then I'm really doing exactly what she did...and we see what effect that had.:(

[Tuckervill]

While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Saying this out loud, in public, could begin building that bridge.

Karen

[sundial]

Perhaps by offering a charity ride with proceeds going to a children's hospital, or any institution of the family's choice, would help bring closure. I cannot help but think that this would bring healing to the families and the riders who were affected by this tragic accident.

Silver, maybe you can design a beautiful pendant commemorating fallen cyclists and devote the sales to setting up cycling clinics for children. With parents and children involved, they will learn both vehicle and bicycle safety.

[stacie]

It sounds like everyone is experiencing a great degree of pain. I"m sure the mother of the boy who killed the cyclist is feeling helpless and angry too. I copied the following from a website.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. All your feelings are normal. It is helpful, however, to know
that human grief is a process that often follows a healing pattern.

Shock is the first stage. It is accompanied by disbelief and numbness.

Denial follows quickly, crying "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

Bargaining is your promise that "I'll be so very good that maybe I can wake up and find that it isn't so.
I'll do all the right things if only...."

Guilt is painful and hard to deal with. This is when one says over and over, "If only I had..." or "If only
I had not..." This is a normal feeling and ultimately it may be solved by stating, "I'm a human being and
I gave the best and worst of me to my friend (child, husband, etc...) and what he or she does with that is
his or her responsibility.

Anger is another big factor which seems to be necessary in order to face the reality of life and then to
get beyond it. We must all heal in our own ways. Anger is a natural stage through which we must pass.
Your anger at your deceased loved one may even make you feel guilty, or it may be because your own
life continues whereas your friend's life is over.

Depression is a stage of grief that comes and goes. Knowing this, be prepared to give yourself time to
heal. Resignation is a late stage. It comes when finally you accept the truth.

Acceptance and hope! Understand that you will never be the same but your life can go on to find
meaning and purpose.

[CCinSC]

Mr. Silver,

I think writing a letter is a great idea. However, I would not send it to the newspaper or mail it to the Mother, I would mail it back to myself. I know that sounds odd, but it will help. After Mrs. Silver pours out her heart, get the letter out of the house so she won't continue to read it over and over. When it arrives in the mail then she will reread it with refreshed thoughts. If she still wants to send it to the Mother or Editor then she should. Unless I miss my guess, she will probably be glad she didn't send it due to the intensity of the emotions but she will still feel better for the emotional release. Just MHO.

Hugs to you and yours during this difficult time.

[silver]

Hi all, thank you all so much for your input and support.

As the week has gone by, the anger and frustration have passed. I do not believe that I need to write any letters. I really feel that for me, I need to just focus on the Share the Road signs and move forward. I will continue to honor Sam's memory in that way. The debate continues to rage on in the papers comments. The "club rider" is hated in this area. I only ride with them on the rare occasion.

I'll continue to obey the laws and be courteous. Hopefully we can build bridges.

If the case goes to trial, I'll be called to testify and because of that, It's probably best that I not let myself get pulled into any discussions about the issues and really it's easier that way.

I did want to say something on the issue of forgiveness. I do forgive this young man. I don't wish things to go poorly for him. I truely wish him the best. I'm sure that this is devastating. However, even with forgiveness there are consequences to our actions.

with my apologies to Invisible Woman, I wanted to make an analogy (Mr. is that the right description). She was hit by an 80 year old man who ran a red light. She's contacted a lawyer. I don't have any problem with that and would have encouraged her to do so. This situation is very similar.

[blueskies]

Mr. & Mrs. Silver,

Just wanted to say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for the two of you, and the way that you've dealt with this tragic situation, and Silver's own crash, from last year to this. The two of you are a class act.

Blueskies

[Mr. Bloom]

Mr. & Mrs. Silver,

Just wanted to say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for the two of you, and the way that you've dealt with this tragic situation, and Silver's own crash, from last year to this. The two of you are a class act.

Blueskies

Wow! Thanks for the kind words...they're undeserved though. I still wish we didn't feel this anger and uncertainty about what to do. But, I guess we continue to be our own biggest critic:(

[RoadRaven]

Blueskies, can I echoe you please and say
"Class Act indeed they sure are - with capital letters and underlined!"

Silver, in my thoughts I have made the same analogy between Dawn and the incident last year that resulted in the death of your friend and your own injury... there should be accountability - relevant and meaningful accountability on the part of the negligent driver. How we measure that accountability is problematic.



Can I please ask everyone in this thread to consider not using the term "accident" in relation to an incident like this. Call it a crash, an incident, an event... but it is not an accident.

This boy did not cause an accident. An accident is preventable... this was preventable but it happened. This was not an accident, just as Dawn/Invsblwmn's injuries were not caused by an accident... just as my three fellow-club members were not involved in an accident.

Please note I am not the first to say this is not an accident... perhaps respect Silver's opinion (previous page). She was there and she knows it was not an accident....

[Mr. Bloom]

I don't know about us being a class act, but we appreciate the kind words.

Flybye and Tuckervill both reminded me of a spiritual perspective on this.

Scripture calls on me to be full of "truth and grace"...and, if you're full of both, they're in balance.


Truth = telling her that I feel what she did was inappropriate

Grace = forgiving her for what she's done

To maintain them in balance means that I can tell her the truth as long as it is not in a destructive, self-servicing, way. Scripture also says: "In your anger, don't sin".

I think I'll let time pass...and then write her a brief note that is direct, polite and forgiving.

Sorry to preach, but I think this perspective forms the basis for resolving my dilemna...plus Silver is also feeling better...;)

[Tuckervill]

I'm glad you're both getting some perspective that helps.

Karen

[Flybye]

I don't know about us being a class act, but we appreciate the kind words.

Flybye and Tuckervill both reminded me of a spiritual perspective on this.

Scripture calls on me to be full of "truth and grace"...and, if you're full of both, they're in balance.


Truth = telling her that I feel what she did was inappropriate

Grace = forgiving her for what she's done

To maintain them in balance means that I can tell her the truth as long as it is not in a destructive, self-servicing, way. Scripture also says: "In your anger, don't sin".

I think I'll let time pass...and then write her a brief note that is direct, polite and forgiving.

Sorry to preach, but I think this perspective forms the basis for resolving my dilemna...plus Silver is also feeling better...;)

Hmmmm....... class act is so right! You are both great examples of mankind. You know what scripture says...... "Well done good and faithful servant(s)...." You both stand out because that's also what scripture refers to as being lights in the dark!


Just so you know, your list:

* Honor God
* Cherish My Family
* To be a conscientious employee
* Constantly Seek to Improve my body and mind (this one is the challenge)
* To Love Others DESPITE CONFLICT

is a challenge to me as well. I so often have my own list until it get rearranged! The hardest for me is *To Love Others DESPITE CONFLICT especially my dear hubby! Man, how I hate conflict, and man, how I like to win if faced with conflict. :rolleyes: I don't want to win the battle to lose the war!

You both are a class act!