Marriage: How much time to yourself?

[Offthegrid]

If you're married, how much time do you spend by yourself, and are you happy with that? How do you juggle time to get to go bike riding or running (or other athletic items), especially if you have children? Do you and your spouse have an understanding about how much time you spend at bike events/races?

[mimitabby]

offthe grid,
Marriage has a lot of phases. When you first get married, if you aren't always in each other's face (and pants) there's probably something wrong.

Then you have kids. SUddenly, all that wonderful new intimate time has been preempted by a screaming baby.
At this point in your marriage, you really learn some important stuff. Will he help you when you need it? will you be reasonable with what you need? and all this happens while you are also learning about a baby.

I personally didn't have much time to myself when my kids were little. Guess what, you can't work full time (2 of you)AND raise kids AND have time to do all the fun stuff too. I remember when they were finally old enough that i started taking classes; pottery, language.. they were in school then.

There was a recent NYTIMES article about the fact that women are less happy now then they were 30 years ago. Why? you can't have a good career, be a good housekeeper, have fun with hobbies and raise a kid (or more) too.
You just can't. you have to choose!


Now fast forward, i've been married almost 30 years. We try to eat dinner together. we succeed 4-6 times a week. (we did this when we had kids too)
Raleighdon likes to go on really long rides. This is good. it gives me an entire day to myself... but he likes to go riding with me too. And that is fun too.

we watch movies together, we went to a square dance last weekend. if you want to make a relationship to work, you have to TAKE the time. even house chores together can be fun!
he usually has a tuesday night ride. I wanted a "date" that night; so instead he came home, we made dinner together and watched a movie. I hope these thoughts help answer your question.
it works for us. good luck

[Veronica]

We tend to spend most of our time together. Sometimes I'll go off for a ride on my own when Thom would rather do some project around the house.

If I'm doing a really long training ride, he'll often do SAG for me. He doesn't drive the whole route, just meets me in certain places. He really is my best friend. We've been together for a long time, so all of our "baggage" is joint baggage. Neither of us really likes "people" en mass, so we usually hang together.

We do have our own interests. When he is practicing the piano, I'm usually doing cross stitch, reading or doing a Spinervals tape. In general, we like the same things though.

V.

[SheFly]

I'm with V - was lucky to marry my best friend. DH and I train and race together and spend A LOT of our time together. In fact, I have described our relationship as insular - we have a small group of friends with whom we socialize, and that's about it.

That said, I do need time to myself sometimes, and sometimes it is hard to find. I do ride with the girls to have some "me" time, since this usually involves some socializing and, quite frankly, some B**ching ;) .

Like V, we do have other interests as well - I will read while he is doing bike maintenance, etc.

SheFly

p.s. We, too, have been together for a long time.

[Torrilin]

Not married, but my parents are heading for 34? 35? years of marriage. They're both fairly introverted, and like quiet time. They both need some alone time, but hanging out with family in the same room seems to count as alone for them if there's no conversation. My dad also really enjoys his alone time when exercising. On a bike these days, running when I was little.

Model airplane competitions are a pretty social thing for both of them. If mom *can* go, she wants to. They won't be in each other's pockets all day when she goes tho. They spell each other driving back and forth, then mom gets to spend quiet time working on crafts or keeping the event running. Dad is busy competing. She likes managing people, and when she's in charge of a competition, things go very smoothly.

Figure for most of their marriage, Dad was at a competition at least 2 Sundays out of every month from March to November. Also at least 1 week away for national competition. Most Saturdays and the Sundays where he wasn't competing, he'd be out practicing. If he was practicing, the kids were offered the chance to go out with Dad, and once we were over 12 or so, we were allowed to go to competitions within 3 hours drive from home. Most of the time at least one of us (often as not, all 3) went with Dad given the option. That meant Mom got alone time if she wanted it.

This just didn't magically happen and be perfect. Kids would be grounded and not allowed to go to competitions. Sometimes there would not be enough money for the whole family to go, so mom would volunteer to stay with the kids. When they had toddlers, mom would stay with the kids or be prepared to take us home if all day outdoors was too much. There was a lot of compromising involved, and I'm sure they weren't happy with their options all the time. I'm sure for a couple years in there, the only alone time either one of 'em got was in the bathroom, with the door shut.

[northstar]

DH and I have been married almost 4 years, no kids. We enjoy our time together but spend probably two evenings a week apart, mostly due to his high level of volunteering in our neighborhood organization. He's the kind of guy who needs to be in the mix. I, on the other hand, am way more socially low-key, so I enjoy the time we have together as well as the time I have to myself while he's at meetings. I get to cook, sew, bike, run, whatever...take my time away from "people." I get really worn out on human contact during the school day, so I appreciate the quiet in the evenings.

DH would like more together time, though, I think. We are beginning to participate in running events on the weekends (me moving his way on that) and he is shopping for a new road bike (him moving my way). After I finished a duathlon last month, he expressed interest in giving it a whirl. We're finding more recreational common ground.

What works for one couple will not necessarily work for another, though. No two couples are exactly the same...we don't need to be constantly DOING things together...a lot of the time it's just nice to be home at the same time and around each other.

But ask me again in ten or twenty years and I might have a very different response! Especially if we have kids.

[GLC1968]

I can ditto shefly's post almost exactly...except that my H and I have only known each other for 6 years (married for almost 5 of them).

We both have careers, but we don't have children...we both ride, but we like different types of rides sometimes. I love to ride alone, he hates it. It's all about compromise and our ability to 1) respect each others desires and 2) voice our opinions honestly and openly.

I almost consider myself lucky that most of my close girlfriends live far away from me...it gives me more free time to do the things I want to do (9 times out of 10, with H). :o

[michelem]

DH and I have been married 7.5 years, no human children, but we do have two beagle children - they are a handful! During the week, I leave for work around 7am and am home around 5 or 5:30pm. During the school year (he has summers off) DH leaves around 9:30am and isn't home until 7pm at the earliest, more likely 9pm or later. We take turns going to the gym in the evenings. We are very conscientious about making sure one or the other of us will be home with the dogs in the evenings since they are in their crate during the time we are both at work.

On weekends, I ride on Saturday and Sunday mornings. DH has various and sundry activities as well, depending on the season - flag football, basketball, softball. We go to church together on Saturday night (love that Saturday night service so I can ride on Sunday mornings - tee hee!). DH works with the jr. high youth group on Sunday evenings.

Wow, when I look at that, I realize we don't spend a whole lot of time together during the school year. We usually do something or other together on weekends though. Weekend after next we're going on a church retreat together for a full weekend. He's coming to cheer me on at the US Half Marathon on November 4 - we're staying in a hotel in SF the night before.

Summertime is when we really spend time together. It's great when he's not working 'cause then he can do stuff during the day that usually keeps him out after work (like going to the gym, meeting with guys he mentors, etc.) and he can spend lots of time with the dogs so they are not stuck in their crate all day - this means we can go out together after I get home from work rather than one of us having to stay with the dogs. Or, we can take the dogs for fun outings because it stays light later.

I know couples who are joined at the hip and I don't know how they do it. I'm sure they look at us and wonder how we survive when we do so much apart. But, I think for us it comes down to communication and quality of time we do spend together.

[indigoiis]

Been married 2 years, together for ten.
He is step to my fourteen year old daughter.
We have a farm. That's the priority. I often do find it hard to justify riding when there's chores to be done.
He was the cyclist, I only got into it this year.
He rode with me some times this summer but not all. He says he has no time. I say, we have the same full time jobs, same responsibilities, how is it he doesn't have time and I do?
He wants me to ride and is glad that I ride, but I feel bummed that he says he can't find the time to do it.
so then I ride with my girlfriends! :o

[Duck on Wheels]

Been married 2 years, together for ten.
He is step to my fourteen year old daughter.
We have a farm. That's the priority. I often do find it hard to justify riding when there's chores to be done.
He was the cyclist, I only got into it this year.
He rode with me some times this summer but not all. He says he has no time. I say, we have the same full time jobs, same responsibilities, how is it he doesn't have time and I do?
He wants me to ride and is glad that I ride, but I feel bummed that he says he can't find the time to do it.
so then I ride with my girlfriends! :o

Maybe he has other priorities now ("can't find the time" sometimes means other things take precedence by choice). Or maybe he had a different sense of what it was to do a ride, such as that he had to have nothing else on his mind, or how far away "good" riding routes are for him now, or how much time a good ride would take, or who he would ride with (coordinating gets progressively more difficult as you and all your buddies do full time work). But as long as he's not bitter about it, doesn't seem to miss it, doesn't mind that you do ride ... then so be it. I know both DH and I have changed our activities over the years. I used to swim twice a week. Now it's riding and spinning.

But back on topic ... I second, or umpteenth by now, what the others have said. Been married 32.5 years now. We do some things together. We try to have breakfast together most mornings, and supper 4-5 times a week. We sometimes take vacations together, sometimes not. He likes hiking mountaintops that I'm not up for, not in shape for, and too scared of heights. So when he wants to go hiking in the Himalayas, he'll have to do that without me. But we've gone hiking with UKElephant and her BF. I'll spend a day on my own in the lowlands while they go for a peak, then we'll do a "recovery hike" together the next day. We don't ride together much cuz he does twice my speed, but he did do one ride with me last summer and that was sweet :) And we do a lot of stuff together with family and friends.

[teigyr]

DH and I have been married almost a year, we've been together about 2 1/2 years.

I've always been the type that goes crazy with too much togetherness and not enough alone time. I finally met a person who doesn't suffocate me. We're together a LOT but we're great friends and we share common interests. We brought a lot of our own interests into the relationship and some of those interests remain our own but the other person supports them. My husband got a bike because he got interested in cycling due to me. He also started watching the Tour, etc. For the most part, we are both interested in most things. It's strange (and should feel confining but it doesn't) that we WANT to do most things together.

My husband, for example, has no desire to do a tri. He'll do any cycling event and he'll kayak but he won't swim or run. I swim and run on my own (or with friends) but when I've done an actual event, DH is there to support me. We've talked about him kayaking while I'm doing OW practice so that'll probably happen in the late spring.

One good thing (for me) is I have three days off a week. Right now DH and I have one day off in common and he works my other two days off. That gives him one of his days off to do things on his own and I have two days to do the same.

It works for us. Heck, he even went wedding dress shopping with me before we got married. I guess you'd say he's my best friend :D

[singletrackmind]

There's a kid on my lap right now. :p

Not much in the way of 'me' time, sometimes a half hour after the kid's in bed or if DH's playing on the computer sometimes up to a couple hours if I can manage to stay awake that long. We have his kids every other weekend and he is often riding or computering or working on his car otherwise so not much time for us there. Sometimes a few hours when it's just our kid, usually for a hike or bike ride together though he often does that on his own too. I'm a stay at home mom so I have much more flexibility on when I do what I do, just with a cute little tag-along.

It suits me ok, though. I've given up solo riding, long rides and lots of rides to hang with my kid. He'll get older too fast so I'm soaking up all the little kid time I can. There'll be time for me later.

Thankfully, the little guy likes to ride (tandem) so I get one medium ride and one or two short rides in every week. Unless it's too hot or cold for him. If I could push myself to get up at 4am I could get in an hour and a half ride before the hubby goes to work, which I've been known to do. Feeling a bit tired and run down lately though.

Oh yeah, 10 years together, 5 married. I'm VERY introverted.

[elk]

I've been married for 17 years. I believe in having a room of one's own....My H and I each have our own lives, no children, but 4 dogs and 3 parrots and much of our life together revolves around the animals. Even though we each have a studio in the house and also happen to teach at the same college...on opposite days..it's hard to find time alone together.

What's interesting to me is that we got the bicycles for our last anniversary and riding has given us something to do together away from the house and work and the studios and everything else. We are having a blast together...

I think it's a great idea to do a physical activity together (besides nooky)--one where you are just together, no need to talk, just ride....

I think of what Rilke said about real love: "It consist of gazing out at the world together...not just into each other's eyes..."

e

[uk elephant]

BF and I are not married, though apparently by British common law we are according to some definitions. We have been living together more or less for four years (minus a few months here and there when he moved to England before me or I was doing fieldwork in Norway). We do lots of stuff together, but not all the time. We have overlapping interests and the same group of friends, but he's not much into cycling and I'm not much into watching football in the pub. I always know I'm invited if I want to join him in the pub whether he is watching a game or just going for a drink with friends, but sometimes I just need some alone time and that is of course fine too. And he has always been very supportive of my cycling which I generally do alone. And some of the best Sundays we have together is just the two of us puttering around the house doing our own thing, but knowing that the other person is there if we want company. We generally make sure to eat together most nights and all meals on the week-end and meal-times are our chattering times, but at least a couple of evenings a week he or I are out doing our own thing.

[maillotpois]

I'm an only child, so although I'm pretty social and outgoing time alone for me is pretty key to my sanity.

We've been married 14 years, and have an 11 year old and both work full time. We both ride. He also plays tennis (blech ball sport) and is active in our tennis club (I'm only active at the bar/pool there :) ). SO in addition to riding, we have different interests as well. DD and I ride horses occasionally and spend time at a friend's stable. He's not remotely interested in that!

I think he thinks I should ride more often, but shorter distances. :rolleyes: He's half right. :cool: He is a little tired of my super long rides (into the night) because he worries about me. But he'll deal. And riding with him is tough these days because he's much faster. When we started it was the other way around, but that's fine.

We couldn't do a lot of the bike things we do if his parents didn't live in town and help out so much. For example, we're leaving this afternoon to go to a bike ride in the mountains and will spend 2 nights away. We'll try to get back Sunday early enough to have a day with DD. But his parents are tremendously helpful. Heck, it would be pretty hard for me to juggle work and the kid now that she's in a school that's farther away from home if we didn't have his parents to help. (She used to easily walk/bike to school and the teacher was there from 7 am to 6 pm so she could go early and stay late. This year things are a lot tougher.)

So we're lucky.

And I get about enough alone time. I work at home several days a week, so I'm out of the office, etc. and by myself. And some of my riding time is my alone time as well.

[redrhodie]

DBF and I aren't married, but have lived together for 16 years, bought property together, have 2 furry ones, so I think I qualify to answer this post :rolleyes: .

In summer, we're like two ships passing in the night. He's a chef in a resort town, where 14 hour days are common, and one day off per week is all he gets, and he's pretty tired on that day. Some of those days off, he really just wants the house to himself, so I go for long rides or to visit friends. You'd think we'd want to spend every minute of his day off together, but that's not the case. He needs alone time, too. I get plenty for myself. Time apart for us isn't an issue. Riding as much as I want is strongly encouraged.

It's feast or famine for us....his job ends for the season next week. Winter means a lot of time together! I'm pretty excited about it! He's really fun to be around. (Remind me I wrote that in 3 months when I'm ready to strangle him!)

Best part--in a couple of weeks, he'll start cooking for me again! After 14 hours in a kitchen during a summer shift, he doesn't want to look at the stove at home. Winter means yummy curries and hearty soups. He can make my least favorite thing taste heavenly. Fennel is one. He can roast it until it looses all its intensity and becomes caramel-sweet and smoky. If I roasted it, it would taste like bitter burnt licorice. Even his sandwiches are better than mine. I don't know what he does, but it's always better. Actually, I do know the secret-lots of butter, olive oil and heavy cream!

This year, I'm cycling as long as I can, and I joined a gym. That will help if/when we (inevitably) get on each other's nerves, and it should keep the extra yummies off my butt!

[Aggie_Ama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 4.5 of those. Right now we are together all the time but the first 9 years of our relationship one or both of us worked retail and time was premium. We ride together and I think he is itching to go alone so he can hammer it out but also loves riding together. I let him attack climbs at wait for me.

I get off work one hour earlier and am home alone for 1.5 hours. I love my alone time. It is just enough, although the occasional day alone is great. I am a close group of friends only type. DH is more of a social butterfly.

[kelownagirl]

Well I can relate to several women here - the long-marrieds and the newly-weds.

I thought Mimi's post was bang on - that was me for the first marriage and the hard part was staying on the same page as the years passed. We didn't - and as I got older I realized how thoroughly different we really were. Eventually the marriage ended.

Now I've been with my new husband for 3 years and married for 6 months. We have a completely different relationship than the first husband. DH and I spend all of our time together, and quite honestly, we like it that way. We are both the kind of people that enjoy spending time together and we have really similar interests. I'm sure other people would find it oppressive but we don't. We work at the same school although that really only means we drive to and from work together in the morning, and we have lunch together most days. It also means we can talk about work and actually care about and understand the other person's point of view. We have similar interests and both love riding so that's just another thing we do together. We also try to find time to go out for dinner once a week, and to go for a "honeymoon" once per school term.

I really don't think it matters whether you like to spend lots of time together, or whether you need your own space. What matters is that you and he have similar feelings about it. If those time "needs" aren't in sync, then one person is more likely to feel "left out" or lonely.

[Tuckervill]

I like being alone. We've been married almost 18 years, but we started out with my two kids (5 & 7). I get "touched out" too easily. We just came back from camping for a weekend with my eldest son. Ever since we unloaded, I've been holed up in my room alone, watching TV and getting my TE fix. ;)

We have a very happy marriage, but we sleep in separate rooms. We're in our 40s--sex is not as frequent as it used to be, and we have a young teen in the house which limits our privacy some, but we manage conjugal visits. ;) (I knew someone would ask.) The reason we have separate rooms is because I just can't sleep when he snores, and I become a raving lunatic (mostly directed at him!) when I don't sleep.

I think the amount of alone and together time is something that has to be negotiated and remain flexible over time. Our lives weren't always this way. Our lives were way different when we had small kids, as has been described by others. New circumstances require new parameters. We didn't always have a spare bedroom, so we slept together (along with our youngest son, by the way) and made do and I was a raving lunatic from lack of sleep! lol.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting or needing to be alone sometimes, as long as the relationships are not neglected, and jealously is not an issue.

Karen