Gotta Vent. *Bangs head against wall*

[KSH]

All right, I love my boyfriend. He's a wonderful man who treats me like a Princess. No complaints here. I am very lucky.

I just get so FRUSTRATED at him sometimes. Specifically when it comes to his tri training.

And you know, I wouldn't even CARE about his training... or lack of... if he didn't gripe and moan about being so slow and if he didn't care about me beating him.

He has been a good sport... and I only beat him by 30 seconds... but he was pretty annoyed at the fact that I beat him on the bike. My average was higher than his. Which is hasn't been in a good year. He was shocked... to the point that he figured my computer was still off (dang 650 CC wheels, the computer hasn't been calibrated exactly right)...but realized it wasn't off when he saw the results posted.

So, he's asking other tri people on our message board how to get faster on the bike. I guess he wants to beat me next time. Which isn't a big deal, he use to beat me all the time.

Now mind you, he has only ridden a TOTAL of 40 MILES in 2 MONTHS! And 16 of those miles were in a race!

That's what really freaking annoys me. Here he is wanting to get faster and he is NOT EVEN TRAINING! He has an Oly coming up July 8th, and he literally has trained a total of 2 hours a week, at the most. He doesn't sit down, look at his training log and realize, "I need to train".

I know exactly what is going to happen too. He is going to have a horrible race, due to lack of training... and is going to be in a foul mood. BUT... he won't say, "You know what, I didn't train for this, it's to be expected". No, instead, he wants to sleep in, not ride, and sit at home... and he wants to keep his fitness up. HELLO! IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Ok... thanks for listening! I really had to vent. Trust me, I could go on... and on... and on.

[Tuckervill]

I know that attitude, but it's about a different thing. My husband found out recently that there's something wrong with his hip bones, and is predicted to need hip replacement in less than 20 years. He could mitigate this by getting in shape, changing his core and his posture. Has he worked out ONCE since he got this news? Oh no. He's not one to complain, but I know by his actions he's resigned to the hip replacements and as they get closer, THEN he will start working out, and he'll regret not doing it while he was still in his 40s.

It is very frustrating. My husband will be disabled and he doesn't care.

Karen

[Dianyla]

I don't suppose you have any friends on that other message board who could be trusted to kindly start nudging him in the right direction. Along the lines of replying to his posts quering information such as "Oh, and how many miles have you been riding lately? What's your training regime like? Mmm, what's that? You've been sitting on the couch popping cheetos all day? Here's an idea, instead of complaining about it online why don't you just man up and get out on your bike already!" :rolleyes:

Just remember one thing: you deserve every bit of your success and please don't hold yourself back for his little ego problems.

[Krys]

KSH:
I kinda know how you feel but mine is with my two best friends. We are all doing the triathlon together this weekend. and its all of our first. But we've done other things like 5k's and other sports where I end up beating them in Not really because i'm better, more like I just train or practice more. We all started training at the same time. We all made our individual plans on what we needed to work on. (we all live in different places now) but as the training has gone on and we talk on the phone about training and constantly I hear well "I decided to go out to eat today with "bob"(or whoever) so I didn't go running today". Or "I was just tired so I didn't go riding today." Or " i'm not very good at the swim so I didn't feel like getting up this morning and going." or " well I'll just go tomorrow" They seriously are training maybe 2 to 3 hours a week if they are lucky. While i'm pumping out no less than 6 hours a week trying to get ready for this thing. And now the tri is this weekend and of course I would like to get a better time than them because i'm competitive and would like to do well but i dont want to maime them! and there is NO way i'm hanging around so we can "finish together" which is what they talked about. He** NO! I'm doing my best and if they can't keep up then too bad. But I know once they finish they will be all mad and sad that I beat them and they will say its because they're bike isn't as nice as mine or I'm better at swimming or they're legs cramped up.. but really it comes down to training, i've put in the hours and they haven't. Now i'm not saying i'm going to win my age group but I do plan to finish with a smile!!! I dont understand when people think they will do just as well without training as someone who has been training... serious lack in judgment I think
anyways hehe that is my venting for the day I'm sorry about your boyfriend though that is frustrating but good job in doing well!!

[Wahine]

KSH - that's a very frustrating situation. I would be annoyed. I think Dianyla is right, you might just have to face that he's not going to listen to you and see if you can get some other people to push him in the right direction. You could offer to hook him up with your coach, even on a one time basis to have him review his (nonexistent) training program.

[Wahine]

I know that attitude, but it's about a different thing. My husband found out recently that there's something wrong with his hip bones, and is predicted to need hip replacement in less than 20 years. He could mitigate this by getting in shape, changing his core and his posture. Has he worked out ONCE since he got this news? Oh no. He's not one to complain, but I know by his actions he's resigned to the hip replacements and as they get closer, THEN he will start working out, and he'll regret not doing it while he was still in his 40s.

It is very frustrating. My husband will be disabled and he doesn't care.

Karen

Minor hijack ahead

Karen - Your husband needs to do what he can now to prevent surgery, but you already know that. Meanwhile, you may want to look into a procedure called hip resurfacing. He's not a candidate now, but may be one in the future. This is the same procedure that Floyd Landis had.

One of my clients, a kayaker by profession had this procedure in Belgium at age 56 and is doing very well. He highly recommends this website for information:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/surfacehippy/

OK - hijack over.

[singletrackmind]

Next time beat him by an even bigger margin. :D I'm a little annoyed at him too, you should be getting kudos for a great job, not moaning. Heck, he should know you get what you play for!

So anyways...KUDOS! :)

[Tuckervill]

Minor hijack ahead

Karen - Your husband needs to do what he can now to prevent surgery, but you already know that. Meanwhile, you may want to look into a procedure called hip resurfacing. He's not a candidate now, but may be one in the future. This is the same procedure that Floyd Landis had.

One of my clients, a kayaker by profession had this procedure in Belgium at age 56 and is doing very well. He highly recommends this website for information:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/surfacehippy/

OK - hijack over.

Very interesting, thanks! We're not sure what will be possible when the time comes. The issue is that the head of his femurs are tilted inward at an extreme angle, which has caused wear in the joint, poor alignment of tendons, etc. They don't know if it is congenital or the result of an old injury, but the bilateral nature suggests it is congenital. If there is a name for this, I don't know what it is. If I had known the doctor was going to drop this bombshell I would have made sure to be at the appointment and ask more questions.

He could realign his core, improve his posture, and have less pain and perhaps put off the surgery an extra 5 years. Does he feel empowered to do this? No. I don't know why. It's really sad, and I'm trying not to be too pissed off.

Thanks,
Karen

[KSH]

WOW! Tukervill/Karen... that is a rough situation to be in. To watch someone you love make a conscience decision to let themselves "go" like that.

It must be even harder since you are active... and he obviously doesn't want to be. Really tough. I'm sorry to hear it.


Dian- I do know his Mentor in his mentor group and figured I might give him a "heads up". I was honestly shocked that he didn't say anything when my boyfriend asked for tips on getting faster! I would say something to him, but I feel bad going behind my boyfriends back.

Krys- I hope you kick their butts! Although, it does seem like too easy of a kill... eh? It sounds like they will complain... and make excuses, instead of saying, "hey, you deserve it. You trained we didn't". Ah, if it were only that easy. Right? Well, you go out there and race your race! Let us know how it goes.

Wahine- Yea, he probably won't listen to me. He did ask for some tips on getting faster at swimming and I gave him some. Not sure if he will listen though. It kind of involves some stroke tweaking. I will say that he is trying to hire a running coach, so that is a step. Now he just needs to run more than 25 miles a month. See a theme here? HA!

Singletrack- It's pretty frustrating. I mean, when I told him my average on the bike as I crossed the finish line and I was glowing with pride... he quickly said that my computer must be off. RUDE! We have had issues like this before when he has been slower than me. I couple of times I had to set him straight and tell him to give me CREDIT for all my TRAINING.


Thanks for weighing in ladies on the topic, I appreciate it. Looks like I'm not alone. Although, Tukervill/Karen... my issue is way smaller than yours. :( I hope he can "see the light" and come around at some point... SOON!

[Tuckervill]

Thank you. He was never really athletic, so I don't know if you can make that kind of change in mid life. The attitude about it is really frustrating. I think part of it, like your BF, is that they don't like that they can be bested by a girl. No matter how enlightened he may be as a man, it irks dh's competitive soul that I am naturally athletic and that he's not, and I can go longer distances than he can, that I'm healthier and my family history is more conducive to health and long life.

But for your bf not to believe in you, have confidence in you, cheer you when you do well, that's just wrong. Time for him to face the music. ;)

Karen

[Running Mommy]

It's 10:30 pm. I need to go to bed. I had 4 restless hrs of sleep lastnight. But I had to take a quick moment to say...

I FELL YOUR PAIN!!!!

I deal with this with running hubby ALL the time!! I will say he's getting better, but it drives me NUTS!!

Ahhhh I feel your pain, Indeed I do!! :rolleyes:

[Velobambina]

LOL. Ladies, after 19 years of marriage, all I can say is "expect nothing and you won't be disappointed!" All you can do is love them and be supportive. It's up to them to take responsibility for themselves. Positive reinforcement and cheer their successes. You won't change them, so you just have to accept them and make peace with it.

[mimitabby]

This is all very interesting, KSH I agree, it must be a real pain to have to deal with him acting this way. It brings to mind my stepfather, who is now 80 and failing fast.
He had an early retirement, he was about 60 when his oil company laid off about 60% of their employees, including him and his group of 90.
He was young, vibrant, handsome and active when he was 60. He decided when he retired that from then on he wasn't going to have to do ANYTHING anymore. (like yardwork, hiking, exercising) because you know, he was retired now.
So he sat down in his chair and watched TV. He moved from a house with a big yard to a house with a little yard so he would have less to do.
My mother, on the other hand, no athlete, made no such choice. She joined a gym, works in the yard (and of course does all the house work).
many times over the years doctors have suggested exercise, therapy to strengthen his limbs, improve his muscle tone, lower his blood pressure and
to consume some of the calories that instead go right into his blood and are slowly poisoning him with diabetes.


Now he's go no muscle left on his legs, he's diabetic,
has high blood pressure, his bones are a mess.

He has taught us the most awful life lesson. STAY active.

[HillSlugger]

He's his own person and he's in charge of his training, his race results, and his life. You can't make him train; he has to make himself train, and it has to be because it's important to him. Unfortunately, you're the one who has to live with his attitude. Actually, you don't have to put up with it. You could tell him that he can belly ache and complain only when he's put in the kind of training you've been doing.

[hurleygirl]

He's his own person and he's in charge of his training, his race results, and his life. You can't make him train; he has to make himself train, and it has to be because it's important to him. Unfortunately, you're the one who has to live with his attitude. Actually, you don't have to put up with it. You could tell him that he can belly ache and complain only when he's put in the kind of training you've been doing.


I was going to add my own thoughts, but you seem to be reading my mind.

KSH, do your race and if you keep beating him by larger and larger margins, he may realize the error in his ways. Ignore him when he whines - if you can.

Luckily my husband doesn't have the "I have to be faster than my wife" problem. If he does start, I just tease him by telling him he's got himself a trophy wife and the other guys are all jealous. He knows I"m joking, and he's not seriously upset that I'm faster, but making light of it helps tremendously.

[KSH]

He's his own person and he's in charge of his training, his race results, and his life. You can't make him train; he has to make himself train, and it has to be because it's important to him. Unfortunately, you're the one who has to live with his attitude. Actually, you don't have to put up with it. You could tell him that he can belly ache and complain only when he's put in the kind of training you've been doing.

Oh trust me. I don't make him train. I offer up for him to come along with me... but if he says no... I drop the subject. I don't harp on him to join me. He can not train if he wants to.

And... sometimes, I rather like training alone. Not to mention, I like doing distances on the bike and he doesn't. When he does go with me to bike rallies, he gets rather grumpy half way through it. Although, he does his best to hide it from me.

I tolerate his attitude as best I can. I try to ignore it pretty much. When I do point out that he doesn't really train... he says that he has been training, or he thinks that he should be fast even though he doesn't train. :rolleyes:

[KSH]

Now he's go no muscle left on his legs, he's diabetic,
has high blood pressure, his bones are a mess.

He has taught us the most awful life lesson. STAY active.

WOW! Sounds like my Mother. She is only 60 (or 59?), but I keep thinking she is around 65. For her, going on a trip or driving more than 30 minutes is just too much for her to handle. I wanted her come to a tri of mine, but getting up at 6:00 AM was just too much and then having to sit outside for 2-4 hours was going to be too much as well.

She retired about 2 years ago and ever since then she has turned into a couch/bed blob who never moves. Doesn't clean the house, doesn't cook (never really did!), just eats out (gaining 5 lbs a month, up to 170 lbs at 5'1"), and sleeps.

Her retirement came around because she broke her arm. Once that happened, she was useless for about 6 months. I was there right after it happened, and she decided to take a bath. Yea, bad idea. She should not get to standing position from being in the tub, because she needed both arms to push herself up. I tried to help her and her legs had no muscle to speak of. I basically had to lift her dead weight out of the tub. I seriously though I was going to have to call someone to get her out.

Like you said... I got taught a lesson... on how NOT to live. One needs to stay active and keep that muscle tone up!

Now days, every phone conversation eventually ends up with us talking about "when she dies". Seeing how she smokes, never works out, can barely walk anywhere, and can't do anything anymore... unfortunately it might be sooner than later.

[HappyAnika]

KSH, sorry to hear about your Mom. Both of my parents are couch potatoes, they eat a terrible diet, full of processed fatty foods. They drink, a lot, and they smoked for 30 + years until just a few months ago. My dad finally had to quit because he was diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He said to me "Well, I should have quit smoking years ago". And I'm thinking "Yeah, like when I asked you to when I was 7 years old and I learned how bad smoking is . . ." Not looking forward to watching my parents die of lung/liver cancer . . . It is really hard to watch those you love make poor life choices.

Anyway, your issue with BF sounds similar to my issue with DH and his eating. He complains that he needs to loose weight, but then he loads up on his favorites, sausage and cheese. I tried gently making suggestions (like maybe not eat so much sausage and cheese), and he got surprisingly and exceedingly defensive. I gave it a few months, then I tried again, even more gently, and he was still very defensive. I got the feeling that he didn't want advice from me, that he felt he should be able to solve the problem on his own. I was just trying to give him another perspective. Finally I've been able to get my points across by applying them to myself, such as "I read that eating more protein in the morning helps to control hunger during the day, so I'm going to try that next week . . ." I've been much more successful using the indirect approach, speaking in generalizations instead of "YOU should do such and such".

You could try saying something like "I'm happy with my bike average, I think those 65 mile rides really helped increase my speed". Maybe he'll take the hint if its not delivered in the form of a lecture. (Not to imply that you were lecturing him, so to speak).

(Meanwhile DH has been training like a nut and is the thinnest he's been since he was in high school. All the exercise makes him more concsious of how he eats and he's doing a great job of limiting his sausage and cheese intake).

[anakiwa]

It may be best to just leave the subject alone for a while. He's probably smarter than he's acting and has a sense that he needs to train more (it's not always easy to acknowledge advice, but sometimes it's still heard). It's also possible that he's burnt out on training and needs to take a break. Either way, he's going to need to figure it out on his own.

I sure sympathize though- it doesn't sound like a fun situation.